4.02 - Left Field
Transcript by Craig Best

This is a Beta copy
please contact me for any corrections or additions

[Opening scene - Jasmine and Crosby are on the floor of their kitchen.]

[Giggling and low moaning]

CROSBY: Ohh. I love our son, but I love when he's at grandma's.

JASMINE: Yeah. [Laughter] Yeah.

CROSBY: You know, next time let's do it in the laundry room.

JASMINE: Mm.

CROSBY: We'll get every room in the house.

JASMINE: [Giggles]

[Crosby's cell phone chimes]

CROSBY: Uhoh. That could be her. Could be your mama.

JASMINE: Don't answer it.

CROSBY: Oh. No, it's Adam. "Remind Amber to pick up toner tomorrow"? Are you kidding me? These are the texts he's sending at 10:00 P.M.? We are officially the hottest Braverman couple.

[NEW SCENE - Adam and Kristina's bedroom.]

ADAM: You know, this really drives me nuts. It takes Crosby forever to respond to an email or a text. How hard could it be just to say, "okay, I got it"?

KRISTINA: Maybe he's busy, honey.

ADAM: Honey, it's Sunday night.

KRISTINA: [Looking at her computer.] Ohh.

ADAM: What? What are you looking at?

KRISTINA: Nothing.

ADAM: Honey, what are you...

KRISTINA: It's nothing. What?

ADAM: What are you looking at puppies for?

KRISTINA: We always talked about getting a dog.

ADAM: No. No, we didn't.

KRISTINA: Yes, we did.

ADAM: No, we haven't.

KRISTINA: Adam. Listen, we have. Look at how cute this guy...

ADAM: Oh, come on, honey, I know that you miss Haddie, but really?

KRISTINA: This dog does not look like Haddie.

ADAM: Haddie... that dog looks exactly like Haddie.

KRISTINA: This one?

ADAM: Yes.

KRISTINA: No, it doesn't. Okay, maybe a little bit. The curls are a little different.

ADAM: Mm-hmm.

KRISTINA: The eyes are not the same.

ADAM: What's going on here?

KRISTINA: Nothing. Nothing. I'm just looking.

ADAM: Okay.

KRISTINA: I'm not saying we're going to get a dog. We're talking about a dog.

ADAM: We're talking about getting a dog?

KRISTINA: Mm-hmm.

ADAM: Honey, I love dogs, but I also know what a royal pain in the ass having a puppy can be.

KRISTINA: They're cute. They're cuddly.

ADAM: That guy is going to destroy my house. He's gonna crap all over the place.

KRISTINA: So what? So do you. [Giggles] I'm just kidding.

ADAM: They're cute, honey, but it's a big... it's a big commitment.

KRISTINA: They are cute.

ADAM: Mmhmm.

KRISTINA: Research shows that this dog would be good for Max as a companion. They're compatible for kids on the autism spectrum, they are.

ADAM: Mmhmm. All right. Well, let's just make sure we take a beat before we just run off and get a dog. Let's make sure we're thinking rationally about this.

KRISTINA: And there's another one I want to show you too.

ADAM: It's a 14-year commitment.

KRISTINA: This one looks like your mom. [softly] Ruff.

ADAM: We'll think about it.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman yard, Sarah and Zeek are seeing Drew off for the new school year.]

SARAH: Smile and say, "senior." "Senior." Oh, wait. Hold on, I'm on video. Crud. One more time, one more time.

DREW: I really have to pick her up at 7:45, so...

SARAH: I know, I know, I know.

ZEEK: Wait, wait, wait.

SARAH: Wait…

ZEEK: We got to get this.

SARAH: It won't stop recording. Okay, smile.

ZEEK: Good. Yeah.

SARAH: Yay!

DREW: Great. I'm glad we got that.

SARAH: Aw, honey.

ZEEK: Hey, grandson, wait a minute, wait a minute. I want to tell you something.

DREW: Mmhmm.

ZEEK: Now, for the next 12 months, I want you to behold the breast of knowledge, thrust yourself upon it, and suck.

SARAH: Gross, dad. Why does knowledge have boobs? Uh, listen, honey, pick me up at 5:00, okay? Don't forget.

DREW: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SARAH: And, listen, if you use the blinker and the windshield wipers at the same time, the car will shake, so...

ZEEK: Oh, jeez.

DREW: It's actually not raining. But.

SARAH: Well, you never know. Honey, have a great first day.

DREW: All right.

ZEEK: Yup.

SARAH: Say hi to Amy.

DREW: Bye, guys. I will.

SARAH: Be polite to everybody.

DREW: Bye, guys.

SARAH: Don't forget to... Wash your hands.

DREW: Bye.

ZEEK: See you later, gran... "wash your hands"?

SARAH: I don't know. [Sighs]

[NEW SCENE - Joel and Julia getting their kids ready for school.]

JOEL: One anchovy-peanut butter sandwich. That's your favorite, right?

SYDNEY: No. Thank you.

JOEL: [Louder] Hey, Victor. Come get your lunch. [To Sydney] Oh, yeah, don't forget your sugar water.

SYDNEY: Orange.

JULIA: Victor? Buddy, we don't want you to be late on your first day of school. [Spotting him on the stairs.] Hi.

VICTOR: I don't feel good.

JULIA: What's the matter?

VICTOR: My head hurts, and so does my stomach. [He looks fine.]

JULIA: Oh, boy. Let's see. [Touching his forehead.] Okay, well, you don't feel too warm.

VICTOR: It's mostly my stomach.

JOEL: Hey. Guys, it's ten till. What's going on?

JULIA: Victor doesn't feel well. I think that we're gonna have to keep you home.

JOEL: But, hon, it's the first day.

JULIA: I know, but what if he's contagious? And, you know, we can't do that. Can you stay, and I'll take Syd?

JOEL: Yeah, yeah.

JULIA: [To Victor] And I will call you in an hour. Okay, buddy? I do not like you being sick. [Kisses his forehead.] All right.

JOEL: All right.

SYDNEY: Bye, daddy. Bye, Victor. Feel better.

JOEL: Bye.

JULIA: Bye. Have a good day.

JOEL: You too.

SYDNEY: Love you, daddy.

JOEL: Bye, ladies. All right, man. Well, let's head upstairs and get you into bed.

VICTOR: Can I lay on the couch? There's a TV there.

JOEL: Okay.

[NEW SCENE - Luncheonette, Adam's office. Amber and Crosby are in a meeting with Adam.]

ADAM: And that brings us to Friday. DRT. What is DRT?

AMBER: Oh, it's...

CROSBY: Dave ray trio.

AMBER: Yes.

CROSBY: Jazz and stuff.

ADAM: And they are scheduled for half a day only. Why?

AMBER: Because they couldn't afford a whole day.

[Adam's cell phone chiming]

ADAM: Well, we have a half day that's unbooked. What are we gonna...

AMBER: I don't know. Do you want me to see if I can move Landon's session to then?

ADAM: I'm sorry. Hold on. [Checks his phone.] That is a great idea. Yes, thank you.

AMBER: I'm gonna get some coffee.

CROSBY: What is that incessant beeping that it's doing?

ADAM: It's just a calendar app that I have. Kristina lets me know if she adds something to our schedule.

CROSBY: Well, it's real annoying. It's going off all the time.

ADAM: Yeah, just like a guy who plays a guitar during a meeting. I happen to like this app, okay? We have busy lives. It keeps us in sync.

CROSBY: Let's see what she just added. [Picks up the iPhone.]

ADAM: Give me that back.

CROSBY: Can we? Oh, she has a hair appointment at 1:00. Thank God that came through.

ADAM: It's good for me to know that.

CROSBY: "We have dinner at 6:00."

ADAM: Yup.

CROSBY: Maybe forgot to eat if that wasn't there.

ADAM: Can we get back to the schedule, please?

CROSBY: Trip to the gynecologist?

ADAM: Do you mind? That's private information.

CROSBY: 10:00 P.M. to question mark... Funkytown.

ADAM: What?

CROSBY: What is Funkytown?

ADAM: It's nothing. Give me the phone.

CROSBY: It's open-ended. It goes from 10:00 to God knows when. What is Funky…

ADAM: I don't know what it is.

CROSBY: You're calling sex "Funkytown."

ADAM: No, we are not. No, we do not.

CROSBY: Yes, you are. Then what is Funkytown?

ADAM: All right. So what.

CROSBY: So what?

ADAM: Give me back the phone.

CROSBY: This is rough. You're scheduling sex with your wife?

ADAM: Yeah. Look, we have plenty of unscheduled sex, okay? Once in a while, we have dry spells, and we rely on going to Funkytown, and you will to, my friend.

CROSBY: Nah, I don't think so. We had impromptu sex on the kitchen floor last night. And let me tell you, we did not have to schedule it.

ADAM: Niece. Niece is in the room.

CROSBY: Libidos took over.

ADAM: Niece.

CROSBY: Libidos.

ADAM: Niece, 11:00.

CROSBY: Whew. [Starts playing Funkytown on his guitar.]

ADAM: Very funny.

AMBER: Is that Funkytown? I love that song. [Singing] Won't you take me to Funkytown? It's a good song.

ADAM: Thank you so much.

CROSBY: You're welcome.

ADAM: Thank you.

AMBER: That was good. Ha.

[Opening credits - featuring “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan]

[NEW SCENE - Drew and Amber arriving at school.]

DREW: Yeah, so my mom said I could use her car twice a week, so...

AMY: That's awesome.

DREW: Yeah, if you want, we can make it like a regular thing. You know, that way you don't have to take the bus.

[Drew Turns off the engine and gets his bag from the back seat.]

DREW: All right, well, is everything okay? You're all quiet.

AMY: Drew, we need to talk. I, um... I met a guy this summer. At camp. And it's... I mean, it's not like... it's not serious or...

DREW: What, are you, like, breaking up with me or something?

AMY: Please don't be mad. I really care about you. And, I mean, I still want to be friends.

DREW: [Scoffs]

AMY: I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I just... I couldn't, and then...

DREW: Yeah, you don't want to walk in the first day of senior year with me attached to you, I get it.

AMY: Drew.

DREW: Just… ohh. You should just go. The... the bell's gonna ring. Like, you're gonna be late, so...

[Amy gets out of the car, she looks back as the school bell rings.]

[NEW SCENE - Joel at home with Victor on the couch looking better playing computer games. Joel's cell phone jingles.]

JOEL: Hey. How is he? I'll let you ask him yourself. Hey... Your mom wants to talk to you, if you're up to it.

VICTOR: Hello? Yeah, my stomach still hurts, but I think the soup is making it a little bit better. Yeah, I think it will be good tomorrow.

[NEW SCENE - Rizzoli Photography, Hank is at his desk on the computer, Sarah is nearby showing him frame samples.]

SARAH: The gray? It's nice, right?

HANK: It's not horrible, but...

SARAH: No. It's not good. It's not good. No, I-I... you're right. How about this, though? I thought that was... Oh, yeah. It's too tan. No, I don't like it either. [Her phone chimes.] Ooh, drew's here. Listen, he's a nice kid, but he's very shy. Don't scare him.

HANK: We having a playdate now?

SARAH: No, it was his first day of senior year, so you might like to ask him a question.

HANK: No. No, I don't.

[Drew enters.]

SARAH: Hi. How was it?

DREW: It was fine.

SARAH: It was okay? You didn't crash the car?

DREW: No.

SARAH: Drew, you remember Hank from the family portrait.

HANK: Hey.

SARAH: Hank, this is my son drew, who you've been wanting to talk to. Huh? [They look at each other but don't talk.] Hey, so I gave drew the car so that he could drive his girlfriend Amy to their first day of school. How was it? Is she in the car?

DREW: Just I don't want to talk about it.

SARAH: Did something happen?

DREW: Yes, mom, something happened.

SARAH: Drew.

DREW: Can we not talk about it in here for seriously?

SARAH: Come on.

DREW: She broke up with me.

SARAH: Oh, my God. The first day?

DREW: Yes. Okay.

SARAH: All right. I'll see you in the car. [Drew goes outside.] She broke up with him, first day of school.

HANK: Uhhuh. Love, man. It sucks.

SARAH: How comforting.

HANK: [Clears throat]

SARAH: Thank you.

CROSBY: It's insanity.

Every time Kristina adds something to their calendar, his phone starts dinging.

So all day long at work it's just ding, ding, ding, ding, as she adds "hair appointment,” "Max," "this and that,". "I'm gonna burp," wa-wa-wa-wa. I mean, whoo.

JASMINE: Well, why do you care? Maybe it works for them.

CROSBY: Wouldn't that drive you crazy if every time I added something to our schedule your phone started vibrating and making noise?

JASMINE: Oh, well, I wouldn't know, because we've never had one.

CROSBY: Mmhmm. That's right. And we should never have one. I'm telling you, the second you start planning every little detail of your life weeks in advance... they schedule sex. They call it "Funkytown."

JASMINE: Oh, that's cute.

CROSBY: Yeah, the second we start doing that, we are officially old and married.

JASMINE: Well, we are old and married.

CROSBY: Well, maybe you're old and married... I'm not. I'm in a hot, steamy relationship…

JASMINE: Really.

CROSBY: …that sometimes ends on the floor of this kitchen.

JASMINE: Ooh, now that is Funkytown.

JABBAR: [Entering the room.] What's for dinner?

JASMINE: Well, we've got some really yummy salmon and rice and salad.

JABBAR: Aww.

JASMINE: What? It's good. It's gonna be delicious.

JABBAR: [Turning to Crosby.] Can we go somewhere else?

CROSBY: Hey, I have an idea. Maybe we just flip this whole thing on its head, put this in the fridge for tomorrow, and then go out for pizza.

JABBAR: Yeah.

CROSBY: What do you think?

JASMINE: No, no, I made dinner. It's ready to go. We're gonna sit down and eat. You don't want to eat salmon the next day.

CROSBY: I mean, we could be those people that can't break any rules, or we could be the people that eat the salmon tomorrow, tonight we do pizza.

JABBAR: Yeah.

CROSBY: What do you say?

JABBAR: Please, mom, please, please, please.

JASMINE: Fine, fine.

JABBAR: Yes.

CROSBY: All right.

[NEW SCENE - Night, Kristina is feeding Nore when Adam comes home singing.]

KRISTINA: Please.

ADAM: [Singing] We talk about it talk about it, talk about it. Won't you take me to Funkytown? Won't you take me to Funkytown?

KRISTINA: Hi.

ADAM: Honey.

KRISTINA: Welcome home.

ADAM: I got one of your favorite bottles.

KRISTINA: Wow, thank you.

ADAM: [High pitch singing.] Funky lady.

KRISTINA: I made you a cornish game hen.

ADAM: Mm, that's a funky-looking hen.

KRISTINA: I, um, I need to talk to you about something.

ADAM: What? Oh.

KRISTINA: Well, I had a...

ADAM: [Nora drops something.] whoops.

KRISTINA: A whoopsie today.

ADAM: Yeah, you had a whoopsie?

KRISTINA: I had a whoopsie.

ADAM: What kind of a whoopsie did you have?

KRISTINA: I may have told Max that...

MAX: Hey, dad, mom said we're getting a dog.

ADAM: What?

KRISTINA: I never said that.

MAX: And this is the one I want.

ADAM: When did this... honey.

MAX: Come here, look.

KRISTINA: He's doing research.

MAX: She's a golden retriever.

ADAM: Great-looking dog.

MAX: See, golden retrievers were first bred in Scotland. They're a mix between water spaniels and labradors.

ADAM: [To Kristina.] Honey.

MAX: And, now, the reason they're called retrievers is because men would go out hunting. You see, they would shoot the birds, and sometimes the birds would fall into the pond. They would need a cool dog to be able to go swim and retrieve them, you see.

ADAM: Okay, let's just slow down for a second, buddy.

MAX: Dad…

ADAM: I want to talk to your mom about this.

MAX: Dad, dad…

ADAM: Now, mom, we are looking at dogs. We're thinking about getting a dog. We're not necessarily getting a dog.

MAX: Why wouldn't we? They're loyal, and they're gentle, and they have a whimsical personality.

KRISTINA: They're whimsical.

MAX: And they're the perfect family companions.

ADAM: Oh, I know they're whimsical. I understand. Look I understand…

MAX: Dad, this lady and her partner, they've got one left, and they live in Sausalito, and they're open from 12:00 to 3:00 tomorrow.

ADAM: …you want a dog. Please stop.

NORA: I know.

KRISTINA: I know.

ADAM: It's a dog. Yeah.

MAX: It's only 23.6 Miles away on the I-580 west.

KRISTINA: Max, listen to mom. Look at me. Look at me. Hold on, both of you, for a second. I never once said, ever... [To Nora] thank you, babe.

ADAM: What did you say?

KRISTINA: I never once said that we were for sure getting a dog.

MAX: Yeah, you said that you and dad talked about getting a dog.

KRISTINA: We spoke...

MAX: This is it. This is the one I want. Dad, this dog, it's amazing. We're getting this dog tomorrow. [He leaves the room happy.]

KRISTINA: Max.

MAX: Yes!

KRISTINA: Oh, my God, Max. Honey.

ADAM: You know how impossible this is gonna be.

KRISTINA: I never said...

ADAM: Now he thinks we're getting this dog.

KRISTINA: I said that we would talk about it.

ADAM: Now I'm gonna have to go explain to him that we may not even get a dog. Honey, we just had a baby.

KRISTINA: No, I just had a baby, okay?

NORA: Apple, apple, apple.

KRISTINA: I squirted the baby out.

ADAM: I understand, okay?

KRISTINA: I'm the one.

ADAM: Can you give her an apple?

KRISTINA: It's not an apple. It's a tomato.

ADAM: I'll talk to him.

KRISTINA: I will talk to him. This is my fault. I'm sorry. We can still go to Funkytown.

ADAM: Okay.

[NEW SCENE - Next day, At home Julia checking Victor's temperature.]

JULIA: Okay. [Sighs as she goes in to the kitchen.] 99.1. He's not going.

JOEL: That's nothing.

JULIA: Honey, well, he says he's sick. What do you want me to do? Call him a liar?

JOEL: So what are we gonna do, let him stay home another day and play video games? I have meetings for the remodel.

JULIA: Okay, you go. I'll stay.

JOEL: So you're gonna miss work?

JULIA: Yeah. If that's what it takes. Babe, I honestly think this is one of those moments they talked to us about. We need to earn his trust. He needs to feel loved and supported. If that means missing a few days of school, you know, who cares? In the big picture?

JOEL: Okay. Big picture.

JULIA: All right?

SYDNEY: Mommy.

JULIA: Hey.

SYDNEY: I don't feel good. I think I got Victor's bug. My head's really hurting.

JOEL: Syd, you're fine. What is today?

SYDNEY: I don't know.

JOEL: You don't know? It's Tuesday. It's art class. You're gonna put your smock on, get your hands in the Clay. You're gonna feel so much better, aren't you? Let's go.

SYDNEY: [Sounding better.] Well, I am making a vase.

JOEL: You are? [he looks back at Julia.] Oh, my gosh. How big is this vase?

[NEW SCENE - Braverman kitchen, Sarah is making pancakes for Drew.]

SARAH: Do you want another one, honey?

DREW: No.

SARAH: Are they not good? Raw on the inside again?

DREW: They're just not...

SARAH: Dad?

ZEEK: Yeah, easy, easy.

SARAH: Honey, I'm just worried about you.

DREW: Well, I'm fine, so...

SARAH: Yeah.

ZEEK: Well, it's tough, you know. Women. They just... they rip your heart out...

SARAH: Dad, this is not helpful.

DREW: [To Sarah.] Everybody knows about this?

SARAH: Dad knows.

ZEEK: Stuff it back in, then watch it bleed.

SARAH: Dad, don't... that's not... we're trying to keep his spirits up.

ZEEK: Right.

SARAH: Women are great. You know, people just sometimes...

DREW: I don't need to hear advice about...

SARAH: Whoo, they miss each other, and it's gonna be... You know, better someday soon.

DREW: Someday.

[Drew's phone chimes.]

SARAH: That's probably Amy right now. "Take me back."

DREW: Wow, mom, please stop watching everything I'm doing. It's not Amy. It's some spammer trying to sell me a male enhancement pill for a bigger penis.

SARAH: Oh, my.

DREW: That was what it was.

ZEEK: Well, you know, when life gives you lemons.

SARAH: [Playfully slapping him.] Dad.

[NEW SCENE - Dog breeders house, living room. Adam, Kristina and Max look at some dogs.]

MAX: He could be named cream puff. I like that.

KRISTINA: Or marshmallow.

MAX: Dad, we need this dog. We're getting this dog right now.

ADAM: He's very cute, but remember, Max, we're just looking.

KRISTINA: They're so cute.

ADAM: We're just looking at this point.

KRISTINA: I know, but they're all so...

LESLIE: Have you ever owned a dog before, sir?

KRISTINA: I actually have owned a dog. I did. I owned a Shih Tzu. And it got out, but... it got hit by a moving van, but it was not my fault.

ADAM: Honey.

LESLIE: Hey, you can't housebreak those dogs.

KRISTINA: Right.

ADAM: I had a dog when I was a kid, but now we have a turtle, have a lizard.

LESLIE: Well, what's your living situation?

ADAM: Excuse me?

KRISTINA: Our living situation?

LESLIE: Well, is it a condo? It it an apartment?

ADAM: What does that have to do with anything?

KRISTINA: It's a house with a big yard, lots of room to run.

ADAM: Have a yard.

DONNA: You are going to show her.

KRISTINA: Show her what?

LESLIE: You mean, your intent on acquiring one of these championship stock is to turn it into a household pet?

ADAM: Yeah, well, it's a dog, isn't it?

KRISTINA: No? Honey. Come on.

ADAM: What?

KRISTINA: [Whispers] Just stop talking.

ADAM: All right, you know what, let's just cut to the chase. How much do you want for the dog?

DONNA: Well, you're gonna need some training sessions, of course dietary supplements, and a travel crate for the show dog.

ADAM: No, no, no, we just... just the dog. How much you want for him?

KRISTINA: [To a Dog] Hi.

DONNA: Well, it's a her.

ADAM: Okay.

DONNA: Yeah, should we decide that your family are capable of being good dog owners...

KRISTINA: We are.

DONNA: Our Goldens go for $1,200.

LESLIE: That's right.

KRISTINA: Oh, man.

ADAM: Okay. Well.

MAX: All right, dad, let's do it.

ADAM: That's good to know. I think we have to sleep on it.

MAX: Let's do it.

ADAM: Max.

MAX: We can afford it. We're rich.

ADAM: It's a lot of money.

MAX: We're rich.

ADAM: We're not rich.

MAX: We're rich.

KRISTINA: We're not rich.

MAX: We're very well off.

DONNA: Well, I can do a 24-hour hold for a $200 deposit. And that's cash or check.

MAX: Mom, write the check right now.

DONNA: Mr. Braverman, look I got to be honest here, this puppy's not gonna last long.

ADAM: Why, is it sick?

DONNA: No, popular.

MAX: Write the check.

ADAM: I'm not writing a check.

MAX: Write the check.

ADAM: I'm not... Max.

MAX: Write the check.

KRISTINA: Adam.

ADAM: We're gonna sleep on it, and we'll give you a call tomorrow. It's a beautiful dog.

MAX: No.

ADAM: [To one of the dogs.] Hi.

[NEW SCENE - Jasmine at home on the phone.]

JASMINE: I love Ethiopian food. I've been wanting to go there. Yeah, okay, let me just talk to Crosby, and I'll call you right back. Okay, bye. [She enters the bathroom, Crosby is in the shower.] Hey.

CROSBY: Heeey.

JASMINE: That was Kim checking on dinner for Friday night. We need to give her an answer.

CROSBY: Kim?

JASMINE: Yeah. Arlo's mom.

CROSBY: Friday night's rough. I don't want to be in the session just staring at my watch the whole time. You know, the musicians can kind of sense that.

JASMINE: Come on. It'll be fun.

CROSBY: Well...

JASMINE: We need couple friends.

CROSBY: Are you sure that's a need and not a want?

JASMINE: Yes.

CROSBY: Okay, look, I can't commit to Friday. Maybe... I won't know until I see how the session's going. Can you maybe check in with them on Friday and tell them? Give 'em like 80%?

JASMINE: All right.

CROSBY: Okay, thanks. [Closed the shower curtain. Then opens it again.] Oh, hey, do you want to hop in?

JASMINE: No, your sister's coming in, like, 15 minutes to bring Jabbar.

CROSBY: 15 minutes?

JASMINE: Yeah.

CROSBY: We can make twins in 15 minutes, honey. Come on.

JASMINE: That doesn't turn me on.

CROSBY: Oh, all right. Well, nice chatting with you.

JASMINE: You're getting water everywhere.

CROSBY: I'm gonna be in here.

JASMINE: Yeah.

[NEW SCENE - Adam and Kristina in their kitchen.]

ADAM: I was serious, okay? And the idea of an interview about a dog is ridiculous.

KRISTINA: It's not.

ADAM: You know why?

KRISTINA: Why?

ADAM: Because it's a dog. It's not like we're adopting a baby. Right? And we made an agreement. We agreed that we'd take our time with this.

KRISTINA: You told me what to do.

ADAM: It's the first dog we've seen.

KRISTINA: Honey, you told me...

ADAM: Yes, and then you told Max, which completely undermines us making the decision on our own. That's what happened.

KRISTINA: Okay. Fine. You know what, point taken. You're right about that.

ADAM: Thank you.

KRISTINA: You're absolutely right. I did. But you sabotaged the interview on purpose.

ADAM: I didn't sabotage anything.

KRISTINA: You went in there, and you acted like you were on board, and you weren't. Okay? You said that you wanted a dog...

ADAM: I was on board when we first got there.

KRISTINA: You wasted everybody's time.

ADAM: And then the doggy Gestapo started asking me questions about what kind of a dog owner I'd be.

KRISTINA: You broke your son's heart.

ADAM: [Sighs]
KRISTINA: You broke your son's heart.

ADAM: I did?

KRISTINA: You know, you did. He loved that dog. Did you see the way it was, like, snuggling and nuggling?

ADAM: Come on, honey, it's $1,200 for that dog. $1,200.

KRISTINA: So what?

ADAM: I know you liked that dog. There are other dogs out there.

KRISTINA: It's a lot of money, but it's worth it. Okay? I'll do anything...

ADAM: All right.

KRISTINA: Within reason that you ask to get that dog.

ADAM: You want that dog, fine, we'll get that dog.

KRISTINA: Yay!

ADAM: But you said I'd get anything I want?

KRISTINA: Anything. I mean, do you want meatballs? I'll make you pasta. Fagioli.

ADAM: Hey, Kristina. Anything?

KRISTINA: Anything.

ADAM: Anything?

KRISTINA: Like Funkytown?

ADAM: Yeah. Anything I want.

KRISTINA: Okay. Except... yeah, I will do Funkytown, but I'm not gonna do that one thing that you like to do, 'cause it hurts.

[The house phone rings]

ADAM: What are you talking about? You said anything.

KRISTINA: Hold on, hold on.

ADAM: Is that Haddie?

KRISTINA: [Answering the phone.] Hello.

ADAM: Who is it?

KRISTINA: [Whispering.] It's the lady.

ADAM: Oh.

KRISTINA: Yes, this is Kristina.

ADAM: Tell her $900.

KRISTINA: No. Hi. Yes, of course. Thank you. [Sighs.] Okay. I understand. Thank you for calling. [Hangs up the phone.] They sold the dog.

[Kristina puts the phone down and walks away.]

ADAM: So... Funkytown?

KRISTINA: So...

ADAM: No?

[NEW SCENE - Next morning, Max in his parents bedroom.]

MAX: Hey guys, wake up! Wake up!

KRISTINA: Max, stop.

MAX: [Hoping on the bed.] Wake up. Come on. Wake up.

ADAM: Max, we're asleep!

MAX: I made a list of all the reasons why we need that dog. All right?

ADAM: Honey.

MAX: Number one: Dogs, they're fun. They just are. Number two: Dogs teach responsibility. Reason number three: The dog has been screened and certified. Now I don't know why that's so amazing.

ADAM: They sold the dog.

MAX: The web site made it out to be good. [He pauses for a second.] What?

KRISTINA: Babe, they sold the dog. I talked to the lady last night. I talked to the... listen... listen to me. Don't get upset.

MAX: No, you guys said you would sleep on it, and you slept on it.

ADAM: I knew this was gonna happen, honey.

MAX: And now I want that dog!

KRISTINA: Max.

ADAM: Max, take it easy. I understand you want the dog.

KRISTINA: There are will be other dogs, okay.
ADAM: This is one of those things in life you're just gonna have to deal with, Max. Honey, I got to take a shower.

KRISTINA: Somebody else had a hold on it, okay? And they called first.

ADAM: Where are you going?

MAX: No. No.

KRISTINA: Are you kidding me?

ADAM: I have to take a shower. I have a meeting.

MAX: This is unfair!

KRISTINA: I can't believe you're leaving me right now.

ADAM: Everybody, chill... it's on the calendar. You can check it out. I knew this was gonna happen. [Closes the door.]

KRISTINA: Adam.

MAX: It isn't fair!

KRISTINA: Oh, my God.

MAX: Dad, you said.

KRISTINA: Adam, are you kidding me right now? Please come back here. We're still discussing this.

ADAM: [Opening the door.] I have to take a shower. I should have just said no in the first place.

KRISTINA: [To Max.] There will be other dogs. I promise you that, and I will make sure that you get...

MAX: No, we need to get that dog.

KRISTINA: Sweetie.

MAX: We need to get that dog.

KRISTINA: The dog is taken.

MAX: No, we're going right now...

KRISTINA: Calm down. Adam!

MAX: To tell them they made a mistake.

KRISTINA: Really? Really?

[NEW SCENE - Julia arriving at school with Sydney and Victor.

JULIA: When I was your age, my parents made me go to swim team. Ooh, I hated it. I had to get up at 6:00 A.M. every morning. But they made me go, and I'm glad that I did, because now I'm a really good swimmer. Right, Syd?

SYDNEY: Yup. Remember that one time you came to my swim class and you almost drownded me?

JULIA: Yes, I remember that, but you didn't drown, 'cause you were such a strong swimmer. That was great. You learned. Okay, let's go, guys. Let's go.

SYDNEY: [To Victor.] Come on. Aren't you coming?

JULIA: It's okay. You can walk in with Sydney.

SYDNEY: Come on. Let's go.

JULIA: Okay.

[Car horns honking as she holds up the drop off lane.]

JULIA: Victor, you have to go to school. You can't miss three days in a row.

VICTOR: My stomach still hurts.

[The car horns continue to honk, Julia looks at the drive makes a sign “one minute” with her finger.]

JULIA: Sydney, go in. Okay, sweetie?

SYDNEY: Okay.

JULIA: Okay. [She gets in the back of the car.] Victor, I know a new school can be scary. And I know that it might still be scary living with us. But I need you to be brave for me, okay? I need you to do this. Honey. Okay, I will stay right here. You go to school, but, if you need me, if you need anything, I'll be right here.

VICTOR: All day?

JULIA: All day.

VICTOR: You swear?

JULIA: Do you know pinky swear?

[NEW SCENE - Rizzoli Photography, Hanks is setting up for a shoot, Sarah is on her phone as she helps.]

SARAH: Ugh, well, that just makes me hate her. I mean, you know, I don't hate her. She's a very nice girl, but, I mean, I just hate her. That's horrible. He just sat all by himself? Oh, my God, well, I guess, what is she supposed to do? You know, I mean, what does he have now, calculus? Okay. All right. Keep an eye out. Call me in an hour. Okay. Love you too. Bye. [Ends the call.] Oh, my God. Horrible. Drew's having a miserable day.

HANK: Mm-hmm.

SARAH: Thank God my fiancé is there, you know, to keep an eye out for him.

HANK: Yeah, that's not weird at all.

SARAH: It's not weird. Why is it weird?

HANK: It's odd.

SARAH: Why?

HANK: Whatever. That's all right. Let's go.

SARAH: No, no, please, what's weird about it? I'd like your opinion. Can you just tell me?

HANK: Boy, oh, boy.

SARAH: Look, I would love a man's opinion.

HANK: There's a guy who worked for me for two years. He never said anything. I didn't know anything about his personal life. I didn't even know he was married. I miss that guy.

SARAH: [Scoffs] Well, I'm not that guy.

HANK: Bernie.

SARAH: I'm sorry I'm not Bernie, but can't you just tell me your opinion?

HANK: You want to know my opinion? I think you're being an idiot.

SARAH: Wow. Okay. That's constructive.

HANK: No, you are.

SARAH: Okay. Why?

HANK: Your son got dumped, and you're all over him. You're fawning over him.

SARAH: I care. I'm interested.

HANK: "Oh, it'll be okay. Doodlepuss, don't worry."

SARAH: I'm not gonna call him Doodlepuss. I'm worried, and he's in pain. I'm his mother.

HANK: Of course he's in pain. Of course. Women... women are conniving soul-crushers, and, if he realizes that, he'll be okay. He has a chance.

SARAH: Oh, my God. Somebody did not get invited to prom.

HANK: I did get invited to prom.

SARAH: Really.

HANK: That's right. I was prom king.

SARAH: No, you weren't.

HANK: I was prom king, I got laid, the whole deal.

SARAH: Wow.

HANK: All right. You know why? 'Cause I was cool. I drove a Honda CX 500. I listened to The Dead instead of disco. I sold pot out of the back of Joey Nichols' car, and we made a lot of money, and my mother never even met my girlfriends, much less gave me dating advice. I would have laughed at her.

SARAH: So I should tell drew to, wait, get a motorcycle and sell pot, and that'll make him feel better?

HANK: No, it's simpler than that.

SARAH: Well, what should he do?

HANK: You know what he should do? He should sleep with her best friend. 'Cause that she'll take notice of.

SARAH: [Gasps]

HANK: 'Cause she's gonna do it to him. That's just the thing. She's gonna do it to him. So get there first... and you see? See, you asked my opinion, and then this happens. And that didn't happen with Bernie. Why did you ask me, though? What are you doing? Where are you going?

SARAH: I... [Calmly.] Am gonna go get some coffee.

[NEW SCENE - Julia in the parking lot of her kids school, sending a message on her phone she starts to doze off before the school bell rings. It's lunch time, kids come out to play. Julia sees Victor, she waves, he waves back.]

[NEW SCENE - Crosby returns home.]

CROSBY: Hey, beauty.

JASMINE: Hey. Where's Jabbar?

CROSBY: I don't know. I just got here. Jabbar?

JASMINE: Wait, you didn't get him?

CROSBY: What, no, you were gonna get him?

JASMINE: You were supposed to get him. I told you I had a class.

CROSBY: No, no, no, you didn't tell me that.

JASMINE: Yes, I did. You said you had it covered.

CROSBY: Oh, my gosh, you're right. I did. I'm so sorry. Um, I should have...

JASMINE: What? Put it in a freakin' calendar? What a notion.

[NEW SCENE - Jasmine driving fast to Jabbar's school. The engine is revving as she speeds around a corner.]

CROSBY: Whoa, hey, hey. Stop sign, stop sign.

JASMINE: [Yelling] You know what? I know you think it's so uncool and everything to have a schedule, but, guess what? That's what people do. They organize their lives so crap likes this doesn't happen!

CROSBY: The school's right here.

JASMINE: [Coming to a screeching halt.] I know where his school is!

[They get out of the car, arguing as the walk into the school.]

CROSBY: Okay, well, listen, you're freaking out, and he's just sitting in school. It's not a big deal.

JASMINE: You left our child in school. That's a big deal.

CROSBY: I think you're overreacting just a little bit.

JASMINE: Don't tell me I'm overreacting.

CROSBY: You're blowing through stop signs.

JASMINE: You know what?

CROSBY: You're locking up the brakes as we pull into our son's...

JASMINE: I tried. I tried to be all "go with the flow" and play it by ear and not be controlling, because I know you had a problem with that before. But, you know what, I can deal with you blowing off our friends for dinner…

CROSBY: I don't know what you're upset about.

JASMINE: …but I can't deal with you leaving my child at school.

CROSBY: Is that what this is about?

JASMINE: You didn't pick him up.

CROSBY: Because I didn't go to dinner with Kim and whatever the guy's name is?

JASMINE: You wouldn't commit, so they made other plans.

CROSBY: I can't control work, okay? I gave you an 80% commitment.

JASMINE: And you're 100% ass. You think everybody's supposed to wait for you...

CROSBY: What?

[They are stopped in their tracks as they see Jabbar sitting with a teacher.]

JASMINE: Hi.

CROSBY: We are so sorry.

JABBAR: Where were you?

CROSBY: There was a mix-up with her calendar.

JASMINE: Sorry, sweetie.

CROSBY: And then... [To the teacher.] Won't happen again, though.

JASMINE: Sorry. Thanks.

CROSBY: Sorry, buddy. We'll make it up to you.

[NEW SCENE - Rizzoli Photography. Drew is with Hank as he works.]

HANK: Anyway, so this disco well, let me back up, 'cause I think it's important you understand how amazing this girl was.

DREW: What do you mean? Like how?

HANK: Well, girl's not even the word. Woman. You know what I mean? Uhhuh. Just a gorgeous rack, beautiful legs. And just funny. Funny and smart. Smarter than me. Hell of a lot smarter than me, which is saying something.

DREW: Oh, wow.

HANK: Yeah.

DREW: So what happened, you know, after she dumped you?

HANK: I was a mess. I thought my life was over. I started going to the gallery that she worked at, and I pretended like I was interested in art, which just made it even worse. And then I wrote her a song.

DREW: Whew. I can only imagine. How'd that go over?

HANK: That wasn't good. That was a disaster. I knew two chords, and both of them were minor.

DREW: Yeah, the sad e-minor. It always works.

HANK: It was sad. See, you know music, right?

DREW: Kind of. My dad was a musician, but...

HANK: Well, I made a tape, and then I left it on her car. And, uh, never heard from her again. To this day.

DREW: What, so is that the whole story?

HANK: Yeah, that's the whole story. She dumped me, she left, it sucked. 30 years later, I'm still mad as hell. Here's the thing. Two things. One: Happy endings, it's, uh, it's a myth. It's... you know, maybe.

DREW: Great. Yeah.

HANK: And two: You're never gonna understand women. Never.

DREW: Yeah.

HANK: No, never, never, never.

DREW: Yeah, I know.

HANK: And three... It's okay to be sad. It's okay.

SARAH: [Entering.] Hi.

HANK: Mama.

SARAH: Hi.

DREW: "Mama"? [Laughs]

SARAH: What are you guys talking about?

DREW: Nothing. Just... I don't know.

SARAH: What?

DREW: I don't know. Talking.

SARAH: Talking?

DREW: Yeah. Talking.

SARAH: To him?

DREW: Yes, to him. Yeah.

SARAH: Hmm.

[NEW SCENE - Adam knocks at door as he enters Haddie's room. Kristina is there with Nora.]

ADAM: Hey. What are you guys doing?

KRISTINA: Just playing with our rings. Green.

ADAM: Is everything all right? I didn't hear back from you today. I left you a bunch of voice mails.

KRISTINA: Yeah, everything's fine. [Nora feeds her mom something.] Mmm, thank you. I'm good.

ADAM: Listen, honey, can we talk?

KRISTINA: Honey, my phone was out of batteries. I just had to charge it.

ADAM: Yeah, right.

[Adam sits on the floor next to them]

KRISTINA: So what are you doing?

ADAM: Can we just talk for a second, honey?

KRISTINA: We're fine. We're totally fine.

ADAM: Listen, when you pretend that your phone isn't charged, we're clearly not fine.

KRISTINA: Adam, you left this morning. Max screamed at me for 45 minutes, okay? You just left.

ADAM: I'm not trying to blame you. I know I did, and I'm sorry for that.

KRISTINA: Okay, I know that I'm a little freaked out. I'm sad, you know? I miss Haddie, and I'm just a little emotional. I'm acting like a brat. I'm sorry. Just it's...

ADAM: Hey, I'm freaked out too. And it's funny, 'cause there were these days when I felt like, "just go already, Haddie. Get on a plane." Now the day's come and gone, and there is this hole. It's like there's a piece missing.

KRISTINA: Yeah. We did everything together. It was, like, she was my buddy, you know?

ADAM: Mmhmm. Well, listen, I don't know if we can replace Haddie with a puppy.

KRISTINA: You don't think?

NORA: [Babbles] Mama, mama, mama.

KRISTINA: [To Nora.] I know.

NORA: Dada, dada.

KRISTINA: I know.

NORA: Dada, dada.

KRISTINA: Can you say puppy?

ADAM: But I'm willing to try.

NORA: Mama, mama, mama.

KRISTINA: How?

ADAM: I'll get a puppy.

KRISTINA: You'll get a puppy?

ADAM: Nora, you want to get a puppy?

[NEW SCENE - Drew in his room looking at pictures of Amy on his laptop.]

SARAH: Hi. [Knocks softly]

DREW: Hey.

SARAH: What you doing?

DREW: Nothing, just... [Shows his mom.]

SARAH: [Gasps]

DREW: Yes.

SARAH: No.

DREW: It's so sad.

SARAH: Don't do it to yourself.

DREW: I'm sorry.

SARAH: Get off that thing. Listen, I, um... I just wanted to ask you what your conversation with Hank was.

DREW: What do you mean?

SARAH: I know you don't want to talk to me about Amy, and I totally understand, but, um, Hank, not your guy, I don't think. He seems like a nice enough guy and everything, but he's a deeply weird, troubled person with very frightening views on women.

DREW: Oh, my gosh.

SARAH: And, I, uh... I noticed you guys talking.

DREW: He literally just told me, like, it's okay to be sad. Stuff like that.

SARAH: That's what he said?

DREW: Mmhmm.

SARAH: Hmm.

DREW: Yeah.

SARAH: All right.

DREW: [Chuckles softly] All right, well, I'm gonna get back. I just bought some razor blades.

SARAH: Don't even joke about that.

DREW: Mom, please, come on.

SARAH: It's so upsetting.

DREW: You have sleeping pills, right?

SARAH: Stop it! Don't even talk like that.

DREW: I'm having trouble sleeping.

SARAH: No.

DREW: Just get me a few.

SARAH: Stop it.

DREW: Mom.

SARAH: It's not a funny joke!

[NEW SCENE - Late at night, Julia is catching up on work in her living room.]

JOEL: Hey.

JULIA: Hi. I'm, uh, just catching up on some stuff.

JOEL: At 3:00 in the morning?

JULIA: Well, I didn't go to work today.

JOEL: Huh?

JULIA: I was dropping the kids off at school, and Victor, you know, he didn't want to go. He just... it was like he couldn't get out of the car.

JOEL: [Sighs] Okay, so he didn't go again.

JULIA: No, he did go to school. But I told him that, if he went in, that I would stay outside.

JOEL: All day?

JULIA: I know. It sounds ridiculous. But you should have seen him. The whole time that he's been here, he's been so tough. But I looked in his eyes, and he was so scared. And it just made me remember that he's a little boy. I couldn't leave him like that, and I'm sorry. I know we have to put some discipline there and establish some boundaries, but I couldn't, you know.

JOEL: Okay [He softly kissed Julia.] You're amazing.

JULIA: I didn't screw it up?

JOEL: No.

JULIA: Thanks.

JOEL: You're working so hard on this, honey.

JULIA: I know.

[NEW SCENE - Morning, Adam enters the kitchen.]

ADAM: Max, it's a big day. You excited?

KRISTINA: Whoo-hoo!

ADAM: Puppy time.

KRISTINA: Puppy time.

MAX: Why do we have to wait till 4:00? I wanna go earlier.

KRISTINA: Honey, that was my coffee. We can go.

ADAM: Sorry, thank you.

KRISTINA: But dad's gonna have to pick you up because I have a doctor appointment. So I'll just meet you guys there.

MAX: Well, I have names.

ADAM: Okay, let's hear 'em.

MAX: All right, for a boy, I like Bear or Charlie or Scout.

KRISTINA: Ooh, I like scout.

MAX: And for a girl, for a girl I like Lady or Ginger.

ADAM: Ginger. [Realizing something.] Right. No ginger.

KRISTINA: Bachelor party. Not at all. Not even close.

ADAM: How about...

MAX: Ginger's good.

KRISTINA: It's Scout.

ADAM: How about Buster?

MAX: What time are you picking us up?

ADAM: 3:00 on the nose.

MAX: What does a nose have anything to do with it?

ADAM: 3:00. On the hour.

MAX: All right.

ADAM: Max, a dog is in the house.

MAX: No, it's not.

ADAM: Figuratively. A dog is in the house. Give me five.

MAX: No, unless you guys went out last night...

ADAM: A dog is going to be in the house.

MAX: All right.

KRISTINA: Okay, just... whoo!

BOTH: {Adam & Kristina] Yes!

[NEW SCENE - Victor enters Julia's bed room with his back pack on.]

JULIA: Hey.

VICTOR: Hey.

JULIA: How you doing? You feeling all right?

VICTOR: Yeah. Why did you do that yesterday?

JULIA: Why did I stay at school, you mean?

VICTOR: Yeah.

JULIA: Um, well, you know, in this family, when we say we're gonna do something, we do it.

VICTOR: Thanks.

JULIA: Hey, Victor, come here. Hey, come here. Buddy. Okay? No, you're... come here. Come here.

[They giggle as she hugs Victor.]

JULIA: I just...

VICTOR: Okay, you can stop now.

JULIA: Ohh, buddy! Ohh!

[NEW SCENE - Rizzoli Photography, Sarah drops a plate of brownies on his desk.]

SARAH: Two things. One, don't talk to my son about personal stuff. Two... [Rolls her eyes.] Thank you.

HANK: You made me brownies. Hmm.

SARAH: Yeah, I... you know.

HANK: Anything in there that's, you know, wacky?

SARAH: Ugh. Will you just eat one?

HANK: Now It's early. Okay. [Sarah waits for feedback.] Honestly? Mediocre.

SARAH: [Sighs]

HANK: Almost.

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: But the thought... you had the thought in.

SARAH: No, no. No, just leave it there.

[NEW SCENE - Jasmine making a sandwich when her iPhone chimes.]


JULIA: Hmm. [She reads the message “Make Dinner for Jabbar” then Chuckles. Puts the phone down before it chimes again “Remember to apologize to Jasmine for being a douche” then “100 percent available for dinner with couple of Jasmine's choosing.” then “Funkytown?” She laughs as Crosby enters whistling.]

JASMINE: You synced our calendars.

CROSBY: Yes, ma'am.

JASMINE: [Giggling]

CROSBY: Are we cool?

JASMINE: We cool.

[NEW SCENE - Gynecologist's Office, Imaging Room.]

FEMALE TECHNICIAN: Okay, we'll start with your left breast. So remove your robe. Okay, perfect. Okay, step right onto the plate.

KRISTINA: This one?

FEMALE TECHNICIAN: Yes, perfect. Okay. Let's get a little... Okay, step in a little closer. Perfect. Okay, you're gonna feel a slight pressure.

[The machine starts clicking and whirring]

FEMALE TECHNICIAN: Okay, I'm gonna ask you to take a deep breath.

KRISTINA: Okay.

FEMALE TECHNICIAN: Don't move. [She goes to the controls in the other room.] Take a deep breath.

["Naked As We Came" Iron & Wine plays with no dialogue for the remaining scenes.]

[NEW SCENE - Gynecologist's waiting room. Kristina is flicking through a magazine as the doctor comes out.]

[NEW SCENE - Gynecologist's doctors office. The radiologist delivers news to Kristina, something is wrong we focus on Kristina as the doctor talks.]

[NEW SCENE - Mobile Pet Adoption. Adam with Nora and Max looking at dogs as Kristina pulls up across the parking lot. Adam sees her and smiles Kristina smiles back and waves. Adam knows something is wrong and goes to her, she tells him and they hug.]

Episode End
--------------------------------------
Parenthood
4.02 - Left Field
Original Airdate (NBC) September 18, 2012
Written by David Hudgins
Directed by Lawrence Trilling

Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com

Please Don't Use Without Permission!

DISCLAIMER:
This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.