4.01 - Family Portrait
Transcript by Craig Best

This is a Beta copy
please contact me for any corrections or additions

[Opening scene - Braverman kitchen, Sarah and Camille are sitting at the table. Zeek and Drew are in the next room, Drew is lifting weights.]

CAMILLE: Lyla Hershfeld.

SARAH: [Exhales] Mom, you are not seriously comparing my relationship with Mark to Lyla Hershfeld.

CAMILLE: Crosby swore she was the one. And they broke up two weeks later. Yet there she is for all eternity in our family picture.

SARAH: Mom... [Scoffs] They were 24. She wore a crop top. Anyone could have seen that coming. Mark and I are engaged.

ZEEK: Uhhuh, yeah. Where's the ring?

SARAH: We're working on it.

ZEEK: Yeah.

SARAH: You guys, be careful. Drew... Amy likes you just the way you are.

DREW: Mom, please.

ZEEK: Sarah, would you not distract him? He's starting to bulk up for Amy's homecoming, all right? So how's the job hunt coming?

SARAH: Great, dad, great.

ZEEK: Really?

SARAH: No, dad. I'm trying to transition out of bartending. It's rough out there.

ZEEK: [Too Drew] Five more.

SARAH: Mom, please.

CAMILLE: Family only, that's the policy. You can thank your brother Crosby for that.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby walking down the hall at home.]

CROSBY: [To Jasmine] Brought a creamer, sweetie. [Stops at Jabbar's door, he is kneeling at the end of his bed praying. Crosby moves to the next room where Jasmine is.] Hey, hey.

[NEW SCENE - The Graham house. Victory watches eating cheese from a spray can, Joel and Julia are in the kitchen.]

JULIA: [To Victor] Hey, honey, I made brunch. I made French toast and bacon. It's well-done, the way you like it. You remember that I said I was gonna make brunch?

VICTOR: Yeah, I'm good with this, Julia.

JOEL: Hey, your mom has spent a lot of time putting this stuff together.

JULIA: Um, sweetie. [Indistinct chatter on television] Victor, I would really appreciate it if you didn't... when you're done watching the show, if you didn't watch it when Sydney's around, okay?

VICTOR: Yeah, cool.

SYDNEY: How come he gets to watch TV?


SYDNEY: Well, it's not fair.

JULIA: Come here.

SYDNEY: And how come he gets to eat in front of the TV, too?

JULIA: Sydney, it's brunch. Come here. Syd, Syd.

[Sydney is fixated on the television as Julia takes her hand to drag her into brunch.]

[NEW SCENE - Adam and Kristina's kitchen, it's a busy morning. Haddie is holding baby Nora.]

HADDIE: I don't wanna go all the way to burger and pie.

ADAM: What are you talking about? Burger and pie is our place. We love burger and pie.

HADDIE: When I was eight years old.

ADAM: Yeah, honey. Do you remember that time she leaned over the backseat and was like, [With Kristina] "I know, let's go to burger and pie."

HADDIE: I was eight and I don't care. I have to spend time with my friends. This is the last week.

BOTH: [Adam & Kristina singing.] Let's all go.


BOTH: [Adam & Kristina singing.] to burger and pie.

HADDIE: Stop! It's the last week before I leave.

ADAM: Exactly, it's time to spend with family.

KRISTINA: Honey, look, I know that there's a lot to do, which I was thinking we should meet before burger and pie, get your winter coat... just listen.


ADAM: That's a great idea, honey.

KRISTINA: Get it out of the way.

HADDIE: I can't. I don't need a coat.

KRISTINA: Do you know how cold it is there?

HADDIE: Every other day, I'm with the grandparents or with the aunts or some... or it's a dumb photo shoot. I need time on my own...

KRISTINA: It's not a dumb photo shoot.

HADDIE: With my friends.

KRISTINA: Okay? It's really not. [Kristina takes Nora] All of your grandparents, everybody wants to see you. Your aunts and uncles, okay?

HADDIE: It's fine.

KRISTINA: Everyone's getting together for you. And I also think that you should schedule some time for Max.

HADDIE: I thought that's what burger and pie was.

ADAM: No, burger and pie is family time. I want you and Max to have a little time together.

HADDIE: Okay, I'll do it.

KRISTINA: You have no idea, those east coast winters are brutal.


MAX: Maybe that's the reason that everyone at Cornell kills themselves.

KRISTINA: The wind whips in your face.

HADDIE: Oh, my God.

ADAM: That's not true, Max.

MAX: Yeah, it is dad.

ADAM: No, it's not.

MAX: Yes, it is. I saw it online.

ADAM: It's a rumor.

MAX: People there jump off...

ADAM: Hey, can we stop? Your sister's not gonna jump off a bridge.

HADDIE: I'll jump off a bridge if I stay here.

ADAM: You need a coat.

MAX: That doesn't make any sense.

KRISTINA: Exactly. Exactly.

[NEW SCENE - The Luncheonette a band is playing in the studio.]

NICK: [Singing] All I want is someone, someone I can hold on, someone I can count on, someone to dance with me. All I want is someone, someone I can hold on, someone I can count on, someone to dance with me…

[The band stops playing.]

AMBER: Sorry to interrupt the jam. [Laughs] But I have lunch options.

NICK: Oh, look who it is, my favorite item on the luncheonette menu.

AMBER: Yes-is me?

NICK: You.

AMBER: I am? [Laughs]

NICK: Yes.

AMBER: Gosh. It's not Crosby? I mean, he's pretty tasty.

NICK: Yeah, Crosby's pretty tasty, but yeah. I think you got him beat.

AMBER: [Laughs] Thank you.

NICK: All right. Let's see.

AMBER: Just make sure you write your name next to it because otherwise, I won't know whose is which.

NICK: All right. [He writes.] Yeah, all right. That looks like a pretty good order.

AMBER: Yeah?

NICK: Yeah, see if you approve.

AMBER: [She chuckles when she sees 'Call me tonight' written on the menu.] Very good choice.

NICK: Thank you.

AMBER: [Moves on to the next band member.] For you?

[NEW SCENE - Street, Sarah enters Rizzoli Photography a man is reading the news paper at his desk.]

SARAH: Hello. I'm here to leave a deposit for the Braverman family portrait.

HANK: You can put it on the table. Thank you.

SARAH: Right here on this?

HANK: Yeah.

SARAH: You won't forget, though, right?

HANK: Yeah.

SARAH: My mother doesn't trust me with this. It's such a big group to get together. It's, like, 17 or 18 of us, we're not sure. In fact, can I ask your opinion actually, as the family portrait guy? Do fiancee normally get included in the family portrait?

HANK: I don't really care. 17 or 18... I don't charge by the head, so it's totally up to you.

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: Okay.

SARAH: All right. Thanks. [She turns to leave, noticing a sign in the window.] Help wanted, huh?

HANK: Yeah.

SARAH: Is that for real? I mean, it's just so retro, you know, now with the Internet.

HANK: Yeah. Yeah.

SARAH: I mean, did you put it up and forget it was there...?

HANK: It's real. I have it on the Internet also. You never know when a genius is gonna walk by.

SARAH: Uh, speaking of which, I, um... I'm actually looking for a job. What's the job?

HANK: Do you have experience?

SARAH: I do.

HANK: 'Cause I need someone with photography experience only, so...

SARAH: Yeah, of course. My experience is from a while ago. I worked in graphics and, uh, you know, mostly on actual film photography. The whole digital thing, not so much.

HANK: Well, can you set up a shoot? Change a lens, load a memory card, adjust the lights?

SARAH: [Scoffs] Yeah, I can.

HANK: You worked in film?

SARAH: Yeah, uh, film mainly.

HANK: [Leans back in his chair.] That's a plus. That's, uh... I like film. Hm. [Grunts] All right.

SARAH: All right? I can interview for the job?

HANK: I'll see you tomorrow at 2:30.

SARAH: You have a job tomorrow?

HANK: Mm-hmm.

SARAH: That's amazing. Oh, my God. What's the pay? I mean, should we discuss the...

HANK: Let's see how you do tomorrow.

SARAH: Oh, okay. We'll figure it out. It's a trial period. I respect that. I understand that. Thank you so much. I'm Sarah, by the way.

HANK: Hank.

SARAH: Hank, this is amazing. This is, like, meant to be. Don't you think?

HANK: Oh, we shall see.

SARAH: Should I take the sign down?

HANK: No, leave it.

SARAH: All right. I have a good feeling about this. Thanks, Hank.

HANK: See you tomorrow. 2:30, yeah.

[Opening credits - featuring “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan]

[NEW SCENE - Max's room.]

MAX: Alright, now this is Guacamole. He was my first lizard. And as you can see, he's still alive.

VICTOR: Can I hold him?

MAX: No, it's too risky. You don't know anything about him. And I really don't know much about you. Sydney and Jabbar are different. I let them hold him sometimes. Like, I can trust them. They've been around longer. I mean, technically you're my cousin, but you're adopted, so it's different. I mean, you're not really even part of the family yet. Let's put him back. Now let us see my Guinea pig Rupert.

VICTOR: Okay, Max.

[NEW SCENE - Mark's apartment.]

MARK: I just can't believe that he hired you and expects you to go on a photo shoot tomorrow with no experience.

SARAH: Well...

MARK: That's crazy.

SARAH: He doesn't exactly know I have no experience.

MARK: You lied?

SARAH: You've never lied in a job interview? Of course you haven't. God, I don't know. Anyway, he's a very weird, grumpy guy. Who knows if it'll even work out?

MARK: Well, I, um... I look forward to meeting him at the big family portrait.

SARAH: [Choking]

MARK: [Laughs] What, are you choking on that awkward segue?

SARAH: Yeah.

[They both Laugh.]

MARK: I pride myself on my awkward segues. Um, did you, um... did you talk to your mom about it?

SARAH: Of course.

MARK: Okay.

SARAH: Look, it was an old girlfriend of Crosby's who wrecked it for all of us. My mother will not change her mind. I tried.

MARK: Okay. It's just a weird policy. I mean... Just makes me feel like. I-I'm not a part of your guys' family...

SARAH: Oh, my God.

MARK: Even though we're engaged and...

SARAH: You're part of the family. It's a dumb rule. You'll be in the picture next year.

MARK: Okay. Did you fight for me?

SARAH: Oh, honey, I didn't realize it was so important. I-I mean, I kind of didn't want to get into a whole thing with her, so...

MARK: Oh, okay.

SARAH: I'm sorry.

MARK: So Kristina wasn't even in the picture until they were...


MARK: Okay, okay, okay.

[NEW SCENE - Night time at Crosby and Jasmine's house.]

JABBAR: Good night, grandma.

RENEE: Oh, I love you, sweetie.

JABBAR: I love you, too.

RENEE: Give me a kiss.

JASMINE: Brush your teeth.



JASMINE: Oh, thanks, mom.

RENEE: I could eat him with a spoon.

JASMINE: Mm-hmm, he's yummy.

RENEE: [Chuckles]

CROSBY: Yeah, and spiritual.

RENEE: He is.

CROSBY: And... and... and prayerful.

JASMINE: Mom, we noticed that Jabbar has been praying.

RENEE: Oh, that's wonderful.

JASMINE: It is. It is.

CROSBY: Yeah, um, we were just a little bit curious. He told us that you explained... God and heaven and praying to him.

RENEE: Yes, and?

JASMINE: And we want him to know about religion.

RENEE: Absolutely, he must.

CROSBY: Hmm. Well, must he? I mean, other than its historical context.

JASMINE: Crosby...

CROSBY: Well, I guess what I'm getting at is, you know, when you had your children, I can't imagine you would have been thrilled with your mother just bestowing all of her religious ideals onto your children. And we feel like maybe that's more our job as the parents.

JASMINE: Mom, we know it came from a good place. It's just that, you know, I don't even go to church any more really, so...

RENEE: Oh, I definitely know that.

JASMINE: And we may not feel exactly the same as you. We think that maybe it's better for you to just let us handle talking to Jabbar about the big questions.

RENEE: I see. Great.

CROSBY: [Clears throat]

RENEE: Um, just out of curiosity, what are you planning to say to him? And what is your belief system? What's your doctrine?

CROSBY: [Mutters] Our doctrine...

RENEE: Don't you think the boy deserves just a little bit of clarity on the subject?

[NEW SCENE - Amber's apartment, she's in bed with Nick.]

NICK: You're awesome.

AMBER: Shut up.

NICK: I'm serious.

AMBER: Shut up.

NICK: Here, you said you could play guitar. Play me something.

AMBER: No, no, no.

NICK: No, come on, come on.

AMBER: No, don't. This is so embarrassing.

NICK: No, it's not.

AMBER: You're a professional musician. It's gonna sound very bad.

NICK: Come on, come on, come on, come on. Please, I wanna hear you.

AMBER: [Sighs] Okay, here, you know what? Actually, I do have a little something...

NICK: All right, let's hear this ditty.

AMBER: I've been working on, if you want to hear it. All right, ready?

NICK: Yeah.

AMBER: Okay. Um, let me see how it goes. It goes... [Strums chord] Yeah, I think it's this. It goes... [Singing] all I want is someone, is someone [laughter]

NICK: Nice.

AMBER: Didn't see that coming, huh?

NICK: That's good.

AMBER: [Singing] all I want is someone, is someone [Talking] wait, here's the best part. I don't know it.

NICK: [Singing with Amber] someone I can hold on. Someone I can, someone... [Singing incoherently]

AMBER: [Laughter] It needs a little work, right?

NICK: Sounds good. Sounds good.

AMBER: See? I picked it up.

NICK: Yeah, you're good.

AMBER: [Singing] all I want is someone.

NICK: Do you want me to take the low?

AMBER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BOTH: [Singing] All I want [laughs] is someone I can [singing gibberish]

AMBER: [Shrieks]

NICK: [Giggles]

AMBER: Thank you.

NICK: Good night, Chicago.

AMBER: Good night, Cincinnati.

NICK: Oh, nice.

AMBER: [Laughing] Dang.

NICK: That was really good.

AMBER: Thank you. [Laughter]

[NEW SCENE - Hank and Sarah at the photo shoot, a suburban yard. Hank is looking around as Sarah struggles with the equipment.]

HANK: Okay, I'm gonna shoot right here.

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: Let's start with the 2470 and the canon 5d.

SARAH: The... which one?

HANK: And get the Hasselblad ready in case I feel inspired to, you know, shoot some medium format.

SARAH: So, the...

HANK: 2470.

SARAH: First is... okay.

TRISH: Mr. Rizzoli, hi. We spoke on the phone. I'm Trish. Nice to meet you.

HANK: Oh, hey.

TRISH: Thank you so much for doing this on such short notice. I've heard such amazing things about your work.

HANK: Well, let's just hope I don't screw it up too much.

TRISH: Oh, no, it will be perfect. But it's just a hard time for my family, so thank you.

SARAH: [Tries to hand Hank the camera as he walks away.] Okay. It's not a good time for the family?

TRISH: Oh, we just lost my father.

SARAH: Oh, my gosh, you're kidding me. That's... I'm so sorry.

TRISH: Thank you. The family is just spread out and we're finally all together, so we just wanted a picture, you know.

[Hank watches the exchange]

SARAH: It's a beautiful way to honor him.

TRISH: Thanks.

SARAH: And if there's anything we can do, if you want us...

TRISH: Thank you.

SARAH: To stop and take a break or...

TRISH: Oh, no, no, no more crying. Of course.

[She hugs Sarah.]

SARAH: Okay.

TRISH: But thank you for understanding.

[NEW SCENE - Burger and Pie, Adam, Kristina and the kids are seated in a booth.]

KRISTINA: I think it's actually a nice jacket.

HADDIE: And it fits me. It is the right...

ADAM: It's look good.

MAX: I'm hungry. Let's just order. Let's just order.

KRISTINA: Haddie, you know, if you don't like it, we can exchange it.

HANK: Thank you. Thanks for going...

KRISTINA: I'm just telling you.

HANK: It's fine, you did a good job.

MAX: You know, I just wanna go back to look for Guacamole.

ADAM: Why, what happened to Guacamole?

KRISTINA: This is why you need to go shopping.

MAX: He was stolen.

KRISTINA: Nothing happened to Guacamole. He was not stolen. We don't know that.

ADAM: Well, who would steal Guacamole?

MAX: Victor.

ADAM: Victor?

KRISTINA: Oh, my goodness. Victor would not...

ADAM: Why do think that Victor stole Guacamole?

KRISTINA: ...steal Guacamole, sweetheart, okay? Okay, it's because...

MAX: Mom called us out for a snack.

HADDIE: I said that I liked it, like, five times, mom.

MAX: And he was up there alone with Guacamole. When I got back up, my lizard was gone. [He hits the table.] Mom.


ADAM: Whoa, hey!

MAX: Where is that waitress? I'm starving.

KRISTINA: Max keep your voice down, okay?

[Baby Nora is upset and crying.]


ADAM: Hey.

WAITRESS: Can I get you guys started with a drink?

MAX: Uh, no, we're ready to order. And we're starving because you're very slow and your service is terrible.

ADAM: Max, that's not polite.

MAX: I want a torpedo burger with no onions and extra, extra, extra bacon... just tons of bacon.

WAITRESS: I'm so sorry, we don't have the torpedo burger any more.

MAX: No, that's ridiculous.

KRISTINA: Um, uh...

MAX: What?

WAITRESS: Well, a lot of people who liked the torpedo burger like the slim Mickey.

MAX: [Getting louder.] I don't want...


MAX: A slim Mickey!

KRISTINA: Can you...

MAX: [Yelling] I want a torpedo burger!

ADAM: Listen to me, we're gonna make a torpedo burger. [To the waitress.] You have a hot dog bun, right?

WAITRESS: It's not... it doesn't make...

MAX: You know, I'm leaving. I'm making a...

KRISTINA: We're not leaving.

ADAM: Uhuhuh-uh. Max, sit down.

KRISTINA: Your sister leaves in three days...

[Max trys to push past Haddie.]

HADDIE: Get off of me!

ADAM: Hey, hey, hey!

HADDIE: Let's just go then.

KRISTINA: You sit down. You're not helping matters at all. [To Max.] Your sister is leaving in three days.

ADAM: Chill out, okay?

KRISTINA: We're here to celebrate her before she leaves forever.

MAX: I don't care.

KRISTINA: You understand me? [To someone front he next booth.] Please turn around. This is not your family, okay?

MAX: Guacamole is missing.

KRISTINA: You stop texting.

HADDIE: I'm not.

KRISTINA: You aren't even paying... we're here to celebrate you.

[NEW SCENE - Back at the photo shoot, Sarah is running around trying to follow Hank's instructions.]

HANK: Fill the gap... between purple and red and white, there's...

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: Space it up, space it up.

SARAH: Okay, between Heather and Trish and Jackie, you mean?

HANK: Yeah. Crew cut kid, you gotta smile.

SARAH: [Dancing] Jack, I'm a funny clown.

HANK: Okay, good. Okay, good, good, good. Right here. Right here. Get out of the way. Beautiful. Okay. Right here, guys.

SARAH: Cute.

HANK: You know what? Give me the 7200.

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: This is good. This is golden hour. Hurry up.

SARAH: Golden hour. We only have one hour left.

HANK: No, we don't. That's an expression. We got a couple of minutes. Hurry up.

SARAH: Right. No, duh. Duh.

HANK: The camera, I need the camera, too!

SARAH: Right. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

HANK: All right, hold on. Stay right there, guys. This is good. All right. We need to bounce now. We need bounce, come on.

SARAH: The round thing?

HANK: Yeah, the round thing.

SARAH: Okay, it's coming. Here you go.

HANK: Give me the camera.

SARAH: Okay, you want me to take that?

HANK: Give me that.

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: All right. We need fill, fill, fill. We need fill.

SARAH: George, his name is George.

HANK: No, we... fill, put it there.

SARAH: Okay. Here it comes, you guys.

HANK: What are you...

SARAH: I don't know how it... [Shouts as the bounce quickly unfolds. She drops the other camera.] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

HANK: The sun's gone.

SARAH: Sorry. I'm so sorry. [Sighs]

HANK: Thank you, everybody. [He walks away.]

SARAH: Good job, everybody.

[NEW SCENE - Jasmine and Crosby's house. They are in the bedroom.]

JASMINE: He prayed a few times is that so terrible?

CROSBY: Hey, you're the one that said they dragged you to church your whole childhood and now you don't even believe in it.

JASMINE: Yeah, I don't believe in church. That's different than believing in God.

CROSBY: Oh, so you believe in God?

JASMINE: Yeah. It was a big comfort to me when I was a kid. And it wasn't about God or church. It was about community.

CROSBY: Yeah, I mean... yeah, it's a community of people with the same belief. If you don't have that belief, you're not gonna be a part of that community. And I don't want my son to be a part of some club that I'm not a member of. I mean, maybe that's selfish, but...

JASMINE: Maybe a little.

CROSBY: Well, maybe a little.

JASMINE: Mm-hmm.

JABBAR: [Enters room with a toy gun.] Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!


JABBAR: Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

CROSBY: Here's the lord's soldier right now.

JABBAR: [Laughs, shouts]

[NEW SCENE - Kristina at home on the phone to Julia, in her office.]

JULIA: His lizard is missing?

KRISTINA: Yeah, his lizard is missing. I... it happens all the time. It probably just got out of its cage and it's hiding in a laundry basket or something. I hate to be bothering you with this.

JULIA: You don't think that Victor...

KRISTINA: No, no, no. It's just when they had playdate together, Max said that, you know, after he and Victor were playing, it was missing.

JULIA: Ah-ha

KRISTINA: I know that he didn't take it.

JULIA: Well, I know how much those lizards mean to Max.

KRISTINA: Like I said, it happens all the time. It's just the playdate together, it's missing. It's silly. But... Look, I'm embarrassed to even have called you, so...

JULIA: No, no. Kristina, it's fine. I will ask Victor if he knows anything or if he saw it and I'll let you know.

KRISTINA: Okay. Thanks, Jules.

[NEW SCENE - Luncheonette reception.]

AMBER: Hi. Can I help you?

CHELSEA: Hi, yeah, I'm looking for Nick.

AMBER: For Nick?

CHELSEA: Yeah, I'm surprising him with these muffins. It's our half-year anniversary.

AMBER: Wow! That's great. I'm gonna take you right to him. Come with me.


AMBER: So muffins, huh?


AMBER: Wow, lucky guy. [Opens the studio door.] Hey, Nick, look who I found.

NICK: Chelsea, hi.

CHELSEA: Happy six-month anniversary.


NICK:Oh, that's right.

AMBER: What a nice surprise.


NICK: Wow.

CROSBY: [Coming from behind.] Hey, Amber.

AMBER: [To Nick.] Enjoy your muffins.

CROSBY: Would you run up to the hardware store and grab a plunger?

AMBER: Look, I'll go in a minute. Just...

CROSBY: What's the matter?

AMBER: [Sighs]

CROSBY: Uh-oh.

[NEW SCENE - Rizzoli Photography, Sarah enters.]


HANK: What are you doing here?

SARAH: What do you mean what am I doing here? We said 10:00, right?

HANK: You're fired.

SARAH: [Scoffs] What?

HANK: You're fired. You're fired. It wasn't obvious you were fired yesterday with...

SARAH: How can I be fired? It was one day. I mean, look, okay. It wasn't perfect. It was my first day. I was nervous. I might have, you know, exaggerated slightly how much experience I have, but...

HANK: No, you have no experience…

SARAH: No, I don't have none.

HANK: So, don't even... don't even say that.

SARAH: Hold on. No, no, no.

HANK: No, you have nothing. Don't even...

SARAH: No, no, no.

HANK: No. Stop it. Nada, okay? You lied.

SARAH: I didn't lie completely...

HANK: Yeah, you blatantly lied...

SARAH: Uh, no.

HADDIE: And you ruined my best shot.

SARAH: Oh, no, what, your golden hour? You got a million shots of that family that were beautiful.

HANK: Here's what I'm talking about.

SARAH: If you do not let that go...

HANK: See.

SARAH: What?

HANK: You have no respect for light.

SARAH: I do have respect for light. It was one shot out of, like, 300 gorgeous shots. And I mean, what did you expect, you know, with your elaborate screening process? Like, you didn't even know my first name. Why didn't... why didn't you fire me yesterday?

HANK: I needed somebody to help me load the van.


HANK: Just it's... this is not the job for you, so you're fired, all right?

SARAH: Fine. Can I at least get my day's pay?

HANK: Well, what do you think you earned?

[NEW SCENE - Braverman kitchen, Crosby is visiting with his parents.]

CAMILLE: We explored our spiritual side back in the '60s.

CROSBY: Oh, oh, okay.


CROSBY: Great. What did you... what did you do?

CAMILLE: Um, well, I lived and worked on a commune.

CROSBY: Wow! I did not know that.

CAMILLE: And, um, we were Buddhists for a while. We joined the Buddhist temple.

CROSBY: [Chuckles] You were a Buddhist?

ZEEK: What? I can be Zen.

CAMILLE: And there was that tantric thing that we did.

ZEEK: Oh, yeah.

CROSBY: Ai yi yi. Mom, listen. Here's what I'm trying to get at. You know, what did you... what did you take away from of all of this experimentation?

CAMILLE: Um, well, I think we both realized that we were more invested in this world and that if God exists at all, he's right here in our family. You know, in this house.

CROSBY: Okay. But, you know, where do you think we go when we die, or, you know, what started life? How do you answer those questions?

CAMILLE: I don't... I don't know. I don't know. And even if I did, how would that help you? Isn't this something that you have to discover for yourself?

ZEEK: Hey, come on. I mean, jeez, we gave you baseball.

CROSBY: Hm. Thank you for that.

[NEW SCENE - Julia and Joel talking to Victor in his room, while he's playing with his toys.]

JULIA: But you know, things happen. So it's fine if, you know, you happened to take it and then forget to put it back in the cage. And it's not a big deal.

JOEL: Yeah, not a problem. We just need to know.

JULIA: Yeah. It's fine.

VICTOR: I didn't take his stupid lizard.

JULIA: Okay, good.

JOEL: Well, that's all we needed to know.

JULIA: Great. Okay. Victor, I also just wanted to know how it's going for you here, overall.

VICTOR: It's fine.

JULIA: Good. Well, you know, if you need anything, you know that we're here for you.

JULIA: Right?


JULIA: All right. Okay.

[NEW SCENE - Max on his bed talking to Haddie. He's reading off a laptop.]

MAX: Did you know that thousands of family pets are reported missing annually, and metropolitan zoos have seen a rise in theft attempts of exotic animals.

HADDIE: Max, I don't want to talk about your stolen lizard. I'm gonna miss you, Max... A lot, all the time. I'm gonna miss how you're really honest and how you always say exactly what you think about things and how you always know exactly how you feel about things. It's a really rare quality. I'm gonna miss it.

MAX: Okay.

HADDIE: I got you a present.

MAX: Did you?

HADDIE: Ooh, now he's interested.

MAX: Yup!

HADDIE: [Grunts] It's a weighted blanket.

MAX: Oh, goodness.

HADDIE: I read about it online. Um, it's 25 pounds, and apparently, a lot of people with Asperger's find them comforting. So... You wanna try it?

MAX: Sure. [Grunts]

HADDIE: [Chuckles]

MAX: [Sighs]

HADDIE: How's it feel?

MAX: Good.

HADDIE: Great. All right, I will, um, leave you alone. I love you, Max. Max, I said I love you.

MAX: Yeah. Thanks.


[NEW SCENE - Night time, Kristing is reading in the living room. Adam enters.]

ADAM: Hey.


ADAM: You waiting up for Haddie again?


ADAM: No? What are you doing?

KRISTINA: I'm reading.

ADAM: Mm-hmm.

KRISTINA: [Sighs] I'm pathetic. I'm pathetic. I don't know why I'm waiting up for her. She's gonna come home, she's gonna say two words to me, and she's gonna go upstairs.

ADAM: Why don't you just come to bed, huh?

KRISTINA: I just had the best week planned for us, you know. We were gonna do so many fun things. We were gonna go shopping together, and we'd hang out, and we'd gossip, and... Just didn't turn out like that at all. It was like, she couldn't fit me into her schedule, so it's like...

ADAM: She went to see her friends. You got her a good coat.

KRISTINA: I like the coat.

ADAM: A nice, warm coat.

KRISTINA: It is a nice warm coat.

ADAM: It's gonna be cold.

KRISTINA: And the whole thing at the burger and pie instant... that whole thing was a fiasco.

ADAM: Yup.

KRISTINA: Who takes that off the menu?

ADAM: I don't know. It's a good burger.

KRISTINA: It's a great burger.

ADAM: I know. I don't understand it.

KRISTINA: She's never gonna live here again.

ADAM: Yeah. Well, she'll come over for holidays.

KRISTINA: You know what I mean.

ADAM: Yeah.

KRISTINA: You wanna get drunk?

ADAM: Kill it. Down the hatch. Dump it down.

[NEW SCENE - Julia and Joel in bed having sex.]

JULIA: [Laughs] Stop it. [Screams] Get off... G-guacamole!

[NEW SCENE - Morning, Braverman kitchen. Zeek is cutting up bananas.]

ZEEK: Hey, hey, hey. Today is the big day, huh? Amy comes back from camp.

DREW: Yeah, she actually pushed back the return three days, so...

ZEEK: She did?

DREW: Yeah.

ZEEK: Again?

DREW: Yeah.

ZEEK: Huh. Did she say why?

DREW: No, it's kind of hard to reach her out there. I mean, I don't know. She seems kind of, like, distant or something.

ZEEK: Well, grandson, I'll tell you something. Here's what I think. [He turns on the blender and talks louder.] I've seen the way that girl looks at you. She loves to be around you. You've got no worries there, as far as I can see. As you soon you start, you know, bulking up, putting on some weight, it'll be... hoo-hoo. Zeek's famous protein drink is sure to bulk you up. [Puts the glass on the counter.] Drink up. I tell you what, I need 30 more reps from you on the old bicep curls, huh. Atta boy.

[NEW SCENE - Luncheonette, Nick is singing and his band is playing as Adam & Crosby watch from the booth.

NICK: [Singing] I'm tired of waking up and feeling so lonely. I guess I should've listened when you sat down and told me so give me one more day give me one more night today's our day let's forget about everyone else and everything else…

ADAM: [Angry] Can you believe what a prick this guy is?

CROSBY: [Calm] Yeah, he's the worst.

ADAM: Comes in here and seduces Amber, it turns out he's got a serious girlfriend. Acts like nothing happened. Real Casanova, right?

CROSBY: Right.

ADAM: Who pulls crap like that?

CROSBY: Musicians.

ADAM: Yeah, musicians.

CROSBY: Even ones you wouldn't think, like Kenny G and stuff.

ADAM: You know what? I don't want him recording here any more.


ADAM: I want him out.

CROSBY: You're serious?

ADAM: Yeah, I'm serious.

CROSBY: You want them out? I knew I shouldn't have told you about Amber. She's 20 years old. She's an adult. You can't get involved like this.

ADAM: So what? So, what, are we gonna just sit back and let somebody take advantage of her without doing anything about it? I don't think so.


ADAM: You know what? That's it. [On the intercom] Hey, guys, excuse me. I want you...

CROSBY: [Fighting with Adam over the microphone.] He's a paying customer.

ADAM: To pack it up and get out.

NICK: What?

ADAM: We're done here. We are done.

CROSBY: You're overreacting.

ADAM: You know what... You're done.

CROSBY: You're not touching that thing any more. [Adam leaves the booth.] Listen, what are you...

ADAM: Hey.


ADAM: Guys, I'm serious. Unplug it and get out.

NICK: Why, man?

ADAM: We don't want you here.

CROSBY: Oh, my God.

ADAM: Okay? Everybody, out. You, get out.


ADAM: You know what you did.

CROSBY: [Over the intercom] You don't have to listen to him.

ADAM: Hey!

CROSBY: [Yelling.] How is she gonna learn a lesson if you throw him out?

ADAM: You don't have a daughter, all right?

[NEW SCENE - Braverman house, Mark drives up.]

CAMILLE: Hey, Mark.


CAMILLE: You know, Sarah's not here.

MARK: I know. I actually... I was wondering if I could talk to you.

CAMILLE: Oh. What's up?

MARK: Well, Camille... Sarah and I are engaged, as you know, and I think I... Should be in the family portrait with you guys.

CAMILLE: Oh, Mark, you're so sweet. And we all think you're wonderful, we really do. It's just that, you know, sometimes life doesn't work out the way we expect it to.

MARK: 'Cause I-I know that I don't have a ring yet, or...

CAMILLE: It's not about the ring.

MARK: Well, and I know that we haven't set a... Um, hey, Zeek.

ZEEK: [Enters the scene.] Hey, Mark.

MARK: I know we haven't set a wedding date yet, but Drew is graduating this year and we didn't want to rush into it until... before that.

CAMILLE: Well, right.

MARK: But it is going to happen. [To Zeek.] Hello.


MARK: You know, I'm not going anywhere. I'm in love with her. And I respect family policy, but I-I am a part of your family. And I'm proud to be a part of your family. I guess I want you to be proud of it, too.

[NEW SCENE - Haddie's room.]

HADDIE: Max, what are you doing? Max, are you serious? Max! Max! Do not touch my stuff.

MAX: I'm looking for Guacamole.

HADDIE: Stop! I have to pack this up again. This is my stuff.

ADAM: Hey, hey. What's going on in here?

MAX: I'm trying to find all the possible...

HADDIE: Max is looking for his stupid lizard. Look at my room.

KRISTINA: [To Max as he leaves.] I'll help you find him, okay.

ADAM: He lost his lizard, okay. This can be repacked. Just l'll talk to him.

HADDIE: Oh, great. I'm sure that that's really gonna help. Don't, it's fine.

ADAM: Hey, Haddie, just take a breath.

KRISTINA: I'm packing up.

HADDIE: No, it's fine.

ADAM: Lose the attitude, okay?

KRISTINA: You're overreacting.

HADDIE: Don't... stop. Stop. Stop! I'll clean it when I get back.

ADAM: Well, where exactly do you think you're going? Look, your grandparents are throwing a going away party for you, okay? Get back here.

KRISTINA: This entire party is for you, okay? You've known about it all week. You don't just waltz in whenever you want.

HADDIE: This party is not for me. None of this week has been for me. I need to get out and have a second of space.

ADAM: Take a breath. We'll repack all this together, okay?

KRISTINA: Fine, don't come at all. Don't show up at all.

ADAM: Come on, honey. Honey.

HADDIE: Great, I won't! And by the way, I had my bonding time with Max and it went really great, and we're closer than ever, and he's totally normal.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman house, Hank is setting up for the family photo.]


HANK: Snacks.

SARAH: I'm saying hi, you know, so it's not too awkward.

HANK: Um, might be a little late for that.

JULIA: [passes through brushing Victors hair.] We'll just get a little bit more, just right on top here.

VICTOR: My hair is fine.

JULIA: [Sees Camille in the kitchen.] Well... [Clears throat]


JULIA: Yeah. Here, I'll take this out for you.


KRISTINA: She better show up.

ADAM: She better show after we made all these cupcakes.

KRISTINA: This party is for her, and everybody came...


CROSBY: Hey, how did you handle the God topic with Amber and Drew?

SARAH: Which God topic?

CROSBY: Well, we were raised in a spiritual vacuum, so what did you pass on to your kids?

ZEEK: Oh, Crosby, come on, let it go. Hey.

MARK: Hey.

ZEEK: How did you get in? I knocked and I rang, but I didn't think...

JOEL: What is this? Are you kidding me?

MARK: What?

KRISTINA: I had to wait eight years to get in the family picture.

JASMINE: Yeah, I had to marry his ass to get in.

JOEL: She made us wait until our three-year anniversary.

SARAH: [Hugging Mark.] He found a loophole!

JOEL: This is unacceptable.

MARK: You guys exaggerate so bad.

HANK: [To Max.] Who's that guy?

MAX: Aunt Sarah's fiance.

HANK: Huh. What is he, 6?

MAX: He is 29.

KRISTINA: Yeah, that's a little dark, Mark.

HANK: You're a little weird.

MAX: Yep.

HANK: I like you.

MAX: I don't know if I like you yet.

[Indistinct chatter]

KRISTINA: Maybe some black over here.


AMBER: Hey, can I talk to you for a second, outside?

ADAM: Uh, yeah.

AMBER: Okay.

CROSBY: A rich, full blue. But his is...

MARK: A Navy blue.

AMBER: I'm sorry. I just...

ADAM: What's up? Go ahead.

AMBER: Uh... Um, did you tell the band that they couldn't record at the studio any more?

ADAM: Yeah. Look, I didn't think that Nick behaved in an honorable fashion, okay?

AMBER: Okay, sergeant. I appreciate it. But we are at a recording studio.

ADAM: Yup!

AMBER: It's rock and roll. It's...

ADAM: I understand it... listen, Amber, it was my decision, and I'm not gonna stand by and let somebody take advantage of you. Okay?

AMBER: Okay. Uh, that's noble, but I wasn't being taken advantage of. I was a willing participant, very willing, okay. And I'm sorry, but you can't jump into something like that.

ADAM: That guy was a jerk!

AMBER: Regardless if whether he was a jerk, I'm fine. And you threw away good business for no reason...

ADAM: It's not about business.

AMBER: Because I'm totally fine. Well, it should be. It's gotta be, because I'm your employee now. And you have to start treating me as an adult, because I am.

ADAM: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I really am. I can see how that would... I just... I feel protective. I don't want to see you get hurt. You understand that?

AMBER: Uncle Adam... I understand. I really do. But can you please do your best to treat me like a normal employee?

ADAM: I will try. I am sorry if I embarrassed you.

AMBER: It's okay.

ADAM: Well, I'm glad you called this meeting.

AMBER: Me too. Thank you, sir.

ADAM: I will see you at work.

AMBER: I will see you there.

ADAM: All right, show up on time.

AMBER: [Laughs]

[Haddie enters, approaches Victor who is looking at a banner “Haddie's Timeline”

HADDIE: Hey, Um… What are you doing?

VICTOR: It's too loud in there.

HADDIE: [Chuckles] Yeah, they're crazy.

VICTOR: A little bit.

HADDIE: They're kind of irreplaceable, though.

CAMILLE: Ooh, baby.

[Cheers and applause as the family enters.]

AMBER: It's my girl.

ZEEK: Hey, Haddie.

CAMILLE: I got her, guys. I got her.

[Indistinct chatter]

SYDNEY: Get in here.

MAX: She's really late.

AMBER: That's my girl.

[Indistinct chatter]

ZEEK: Okay, everybody, let's get together and get this photo now.

ADAM: Honey.


ADAM: That's our baby.

[NEW SCENE - Outside the Braverman house, a short time later the family are lined up for the photo.]

HANK: It's a good time right now, guys, okay?

SARAH: Okay.

HANK: Perfect.

SARAH: [To Drew] Bigger smile, though.

HANK: Let's go right now.

ADAM: We are ready. Okay, Maxy is good in here? He's good in here behind the grandparents?

JULIA: Okay.

HANK: Let's go right here, guys. Guys, right here. Why don't we do this? All right, pretend you like each other.

[NEW SCENE - Rizzoli Photography, Sarah is looking over the photos with Hank.]

SARAH: That's good. Oh, that's beautiful.

HANK: Yeah, you're quite a crew.

SARAH: Yeah. I can't believe you got everybody.

HANK: See, that kid will never look at the damn lens. Yeah.

SARAH: Hm. You did pretty good. That's Max. He has Asperger's.

HANK: Oh, yeah?

SARAH: Mm-hmm.

HANK: I knew something was up. Good kid.

SARAH: Yeah. Well, thank you. God, these are great. I could look at them all day, but I should get these to the family. If anyone can possibly agree on one, we'll...

HANK: Yeah, let me know.

SARAH: We'll let you know. Yeah. Thank you. They're really, really, great. And I appreciate it.

HANK: All right.

SARAH: So, thank you.

HANK: And you can tell your mom, you know, if it doesn't work out between you and junior, I could just Photoshop him out for a small minimal cost.

SARAH: Thank you, thank you so much.

HANK: Yeah, yeah.

SARAH: I'm sure she'll be very happy to hear that.

HANK: That's all right.

SARAH: Mm-hmm.

HANK: He's a good guy, right? Where did you meet him? Is he a "Make-a-Wish" kid?

SARAH: That's good. That's funny.

HANK: Was he trick or treating or something?

SARAH: Hey, enjoy yourself. There's a lot of material there. [Chuckles] Good-bye.

HANK: Anyway, look, I was gonna call you.

SARAH: Oh, yeah.

HANK: Yeah. Um... Turns out the people at the shoot, they liked you. They, um, made a big stink about it. So it turns out you're good at the schmooze. And I hate talking to clients. Truly, I hate it. I get a little sick in my stomach sometimes. Yeah, so that's why I was gonna call you. You're not as awful as I originally thought.

SARAH: I'm sorry, is this... Some sort of twisted job offer?

HANK: You've gotta learn about photography, too. Yukking it up with clients, you smile... "hey, give me a hug"... that's not gonna cut it, I can assure you that.

SARAH: I will learn.

HANK: Well, I'll call you, then. Let's see how it goes. All right, go. Get the hell out of here.

SARAH: Thank you S... thank you.

HANK: All right.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman yard, Drew is waiting.]

DREW: Hey. [Laughs] You're back.

AMY: Yeah.

DREW: I can't believe it.

AMY: I'm back.

DREW: Oh, my God. I missed you so much.

AMY: I missed you, too.

DR. JOE: I can't believe you're back. Do you wanna go inside or something?

AMY: Sure.

[NEW SCENE - Night time, Crosby and Jabbar are sitting outside watching the stars.]

CROSBY: Mm! Shooting star. Did you see it?

JABBAR: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

CROSBY: Oh, man. Did you make a wish?


CROSBY: All right, well, don't tell me what it was. Hey, when I saw you praying the other day, what were you praying about?

JABBAR: Different things.

CROSBY: Different things. What kind of things?

JABBAR: Like, I tell him that... To watch over my family, for us all to be happy and stay together as a family.

CROSBY: Ooh, that's nice. That's nice.

JABBAR: And a motorcycle and an Xbox.

CROSBY: A motor... you can't drive a motorcycle.

JABBAR: When I get older.

CROSBY: Oh, when you get older. All right, those are good things. Well, I know grandma told you what she believes in, about God and religion. And I thought maybe I should tell you what I believe. Do you wanna hear it?

JABBAR: Okay, daddy.

CROSBY: Well, I believe in you. You're my number one guy. Okay? And I believe in your mom and all of our family, my mom and dad and my brothers and sisters. And um, sometimes... Like on a night like tonight, when I'm sitting under the stars with my son, eating delicious cookies, I think... I'm pretty blessed. I'm blessed by something, you know.

JABBAR: Me too, daddy. Mm, what's that thing that's moving? Is that another shooting star?

CROSBY: That's an airplane.


CROSBY: Mm-hmm.

[NEW SCENE - Julia and Joel's house.]

JULIA: [Exhales] I just need him to feel like we believe in him.

JOEL: [Grunts] It's been five months, Julia. You can't keep walking on eggshells around this boy.

JULIA: Everything I've read says that, right now, our job is to make him feel loved, trusted, and like he's part of this family.

JOEL: Yeah, and the way you do that is treat him like family. Not asking him about this is like... is treating him like a guest.

JULIA: God. Joel...

JOEL: What?

JULIA: I feel like I'm waiting to fall in love with our son.

[NEW SCENE - Airport, Indistinct chatter as Adam and Kristina watch Haddie check in.]

KRISTINA: Okay. Um, you have everything? Your boarding pass, your ID.

HADDIE: Yeah. Yep!

ADAM: You got enough cash?


ADAM: You know what? Just in case.

KRISTINA: Yeah, give her an extra $20.

ADAM: In case you need cab fare or something...

KRISTINA: And I packed your snacks in your bag.

ADAM: Just take it all.

HADDIE: Thanks.

ADAM: Just take all of it.

HADDIE: Okay. All right.

KRISTINA: Okay. [They hug.] I love you. Just call us when you land.

HADDIE: Okay. Bye.

ADAM: [They hug.] I'm gonna miss you.

ADAM: Okay. All right.

HADDIE: Okay. See you all. [She walks up to the security point.] Hi.

[She waits in line a few moments before turning back and with tears she hugs her parents.]

4.01 - Family Portrait
Original Airdate (NBC) September 11, 2012
Written by Jason Katims
Directed by Lawrence Trilling

Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com

Please Don't Use Without Permission!

This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
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