3.12 - Road Trip
Transcript by Craig Best

This is a Beta copy
please contact me for any corrections or additions

[Opening scene - Adam comes down his stairs as they pack for the road trip.]

ADAM: Hey honey, did you find the diaper bag yet?

KRISTINA: No I didn't find it, I packed it this morning. I don't know what's happened to it.

ADAM: Listen, honey we're not going to get very far on this road trip without a diaper bag, so let's find it.

KRISTINA: I agree. Max honey can you please turn that down for mom? It's so loud. Did he pack his bag?

ADAM: Max, volume. Uh, I don't know. Max, did you pack your bag?

KRISTINA: I hate the week after the holidays. There's so much chaos. There's no structure. There's candy everywhere. There's toys around... Max, please! Please, I'm begging you.

ADAM: Honey, did you look in the kitchen?

KRISTINA: It's not in the kitchen, okay? Why would I put it in the kitchen? So what? There's no...

[Adam tried to make his way past Kristina.]

ADAM: Oh, God!


ADAM: Sorry, ooh!

KRISTINA: Adam, you know what?

ADAM: Honey, listen. You seem a little overwhelmed. Can you just take a breath? All right, I'm sorry. Sorry.

KRISTINA: I am a little bit overwhelmed. Why would your dad plan this trip to go see your grandmother? He doesn't even like his mother.

ADAM: It's her birthday. Hey, that's a little harsh, okay? Everybody loves their mother. I'm gonna look in the kitchen.

KRISTINA: He doesn't like his mother. [Loud grunting on tv] Max! [Noran starts crying.]

[NEW SCENE - Braverman house. Drew walking to the Guesthouse. Shirley Ellis' “The Nitty Gritty” is playing.]

[Drew opens the door without knocking.]

MARK: Oh, my gosh! That feels so good.

SARAH: Yes! Yes!

DREW: [Seeing/hearing them] Oh, oh!

[Drew backs out closing the door without them knowing he runs back to the main house.]

MARK: See?

SARAH: [Laughter] Yes, yes, yes.

MARK: All right, okay, okay.

[NEW SCENE - Graham house, Julia on the phone as she packs for the trip.]

JULIA: [Sorting through tangled power leads.] We're saying now that I have 24 hours to get this brief written? No, no, no, no, I-I will do it. I will do it. I'm just going out of town, so I'll have to do it on the road. Okay, thank you. That's fine, bye.

JOEL: You sure we're not underpacked?

JULIA: [Scoffs]

JOEL: Your dad called again.

JULIA: Yeah.

JOEL: He wants us on the road at 0900 this morning, on the dot.

JULIA: Sweetie, it's time to go. Are you ready? He freaks out about grandma. I don't know what it is.

[Giving up she stuffs the leads into her bag.]

[NEW SCENE - Back with Kristina and the family.]

HADDIE: But it's right there. You can't just grab it?

KRISTINA: Max, honey, it's time to wrap it up, let's go.

HADDIE: There.

MAX: I'm almost done.

KRISTINA: No, you're done now. Max?

[Computer game making fighting noises.]

KRISTINA: Max. Max, we're leaving.

MAX: I said, "I'm almost done."

[Kristina goes to the TV]

MAX: Five more. One more. Wait. [She turns off the TV] No!

KRISTINA: We're done.

MAX: Do you realize what you just did?

KRISTINA: Don't yell at me.

MAX: I've been working on that level for days. [Tosses the wireless controller across the room.]

KRISTINA: Stop yelling.

MAX: Days! I just lost everything!

KRISTINA: Stop it. It doesn't matter. I've been telling you for the past hour to turn it off, and you've not listened to me once.

MAX: You're such a bitch! [Throwing a billow at Kristina.]

KRISTINA: Do not th... [Pauses in shock.] What did you just say to me?

MAX: You're such a bitch!

KRISTINA: Okay, that is it! You are being punished! You're punished.

MAX: Oh, yeah, right.

KRISTINA: You're...

MAX: Like last Saturday, when you said I wouldn't be able to go to the movies, and then you totally forgot...

KRISTINA: That is...

MAX: And we ended up going anyway?

KRISTINA: I am... you... You're not going on this trip.

MAX: What?

KRISTINA: Get upstairs now! You're not going on this trip. That's it.

MAX: This is so unfair!

KRISTINA: Don't throw stuff at me.

MAX: I hate you!

KRISTINA: I'll say what's fair and what's not fair. I'm the mom. It's fair. [Sighs]

[NEW SCENE - Braverman kitchen, Camille is packing food and drinks for the trip.]

ZEEK: [Sighs] Come on, Camille. Can we hurry it up a little? We got a schedule here. [Sighs]

CAMILLE: You're pacing.

ZEEK: I'm not pacing.

CAMILLE: [Put down the coffeepot] Sweetie?


CAMILLE: Um, before we drag your entire family on this trip, are you sure that you want to go through with this?

ZEEK: Aw, come on. It's my mom's 86th birthday. Hell, yeah, I want to go through...

CAMILLE: Yeah, I know, but we didn't go to her 85th birthday... Or her 84th birthday, or her 77th birthday, or her...

ZEEK: Well, I mean, come on. I... she has a fall, she hurts herself, I don't know. You know, I just thought, you know...

CAMILLE: Yeah, I... Yeah, I know.

ZEEK: Look, I... I'm going to go check the tires on the truck, all right?

CAMILLE: It'll be fine.

[NEW SCENE - Back with Adam and Kristina.]

ADAM: I found the diaper bag... Okay, he has to go.

KRISTINA: He's not going.

ADAM: You have to go. Nora has to go. We all have to go.

KRISTINA: I'm not going, and Nora's definitely not going unless, of course, you can nurse, which I don't see...

ADAM: All right, listen to me. I think this is extreme.

KRISTINA: Your son called me a bitch. He called me a bitch tw... Twice.

ADAM: I understand that, and I'm sorry, okay?

KRISTINA: It's not cool.

ADAM: I'm sure he didn't mean it, and I wanna come up with a solution here.

KRISTINA: I don't care if he meant it or not...

ADAM: Well, why, of all punishments, did you choose this?

KRISTINA: Because it just came out of my mouth, okay? I need to follow through on this.

ADAM: Well, can we think creatively? Come up with a different punishment?

KRISTINA: Creatively what?

ADAM: Maybe just issue him a warning? This is so important to my dad.

KRISTINA: His happiness is more important than me following through on a punishment?

ADAM: That's not what I'm saying.

KRISTINA: What about our family? I need to stick to my guns on this, okay? I warn him all the time, and it's meaningless.

ADAM: [Sighs] I get it. Just my dad's gonna freak.

KRISTINA: I mean, look at it this way. You're gonna have fun with Haddie, right? Some bonding time?

ADAM: Yeah, be kinda nice.

KRISTINA: I'm really sorry, honey.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman front yard Joel helps Zeek secure a recliner chair in the back of Zeek pickup truck.]

JOEL: Now, hold on.

ZEEK: [Clears throat]

CAMILLE: Boy, make sure you strap that thing down good and tight now.

ZEEK: Well, I want it tight. I want it solid. I don't want anybody stealing it.

JOEL: I don't think we actually have to worry about this being stolen, you know?

CAMILLE: Yeah, lovely as it is.

[A car pulls up the drive and honks it's horn.]

ZEEK: Hey, Adam's here! All right, all right. Millie, yeah, get the talkies and the maps. Come on, everybody. Let's go.

AMBER: Geez Louise.

ZEEK: Joel, hey, hey, yeah.


ZEEK: Drew.

JULIA: Good morning.

ADAM: Hey.

ZEEK: Hey, you guys. Come on, g...

AMBER: Come on geez Louise.

JULIA: 0900.

ZEEK: Where's the baby? Where's Kristina? Where's Max?

ADAM: Uh, they couldn't make it, dad, sorry.

ZEEK: What, are they sick?

AMBER: [Off camera.] It's the blue one...

HADDIE: Let's go.

ADAM: No, uh, just... Max got into it with Kristina. And she felt like she needed to give him a punishment, and that's gonna be not going on the trip.

ZEEK: Well, maybe I should call...

ADAM: But she's gotta stay home with the baby too, all right?

ZEEK: Can I call?


ZEEK: But, Adam, it's my mom's 86th birthday, you know?

ADAM: Dad, I know it is, I know.

ZEEK: That's a little insane here.

ADAM: All right? It's not insane, dad. This is what we have to do for Max sometimes.

ZEEK: Maybe we should stop by on the way out of here...

ADAM: We can't reach Max about his behavior unless there are consequences, okay? So it has to go down this way. I've gotta be supportive of her, all right? Can you just respect that, please?

ZEEK: Right, okay.

CAMILLE: See, um, the walkies.

ZEEK: One of these per car. Thank you, Camille.


ZEEK: All right, please don't lose these.

CAMILLE: Next car.

JOEL: It'd be hard to.

JULIA: I'm passenger... navigator.

ZEEK: The route of travel is highlighted in yellow. [Overlapping chatter as they get the packages.] There are menus included in the packet, 'cause we're gonna be stopping at Cindy's diner for lunch. Exit 127. So everybody can fill out their little order form. [More overlapping chatter] We don't have to wait around for that 'cause it takes forever with the little ones, okay?

JOEL: Is this like a paper GPS?

ZEEK: S... now, the walkie-talkies. Let me explain something.

SARAH: Do they still work?

ZEEK: L... they do, and listen up, all right? These are mission-specific use only.


ZEEK: They're not toys. Don't fool around with them.

JOEL: Can we just use the cell phones...

SARAH: No. [Shaking her head.]

JOEL: That we all have?

ZEEK: You can't use cell phones while you're driving, Joel.

CROSBY: Come on, Joel.

ADAM: Joel.

JOEL: Sorry, it's a stupid question, guys.

ZEEK: If everything goes according to schedule, we should be at the motel in Bakersfield by 1900.

CROSBY: I don't have my flak jacket. We're going into a combat zone? What's going on?


ZEEK: [Yelling] Does anybody have to pee?

SARAH: No, sir. No, sir.


ZEEK: Do you have to pee, Jabbar?

JABBAR: No, sir.

ZEEK: Sydney, do you have to pee?

SYDNEY: No, do you?

ZEEK: All right, is everybody ready to go? Let's all have a safe trip. Hey, obey the speed limit. Obey all traffic laws. I don't want anybody busted.

CROSBY: [To Adam.] Obey the speed limit.

ZEEK: Let's get on the road now.

[Cheering as they go to their cars. They honk their horns as they pull away.]

[Opening credits - featuring “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan]

[NEW SCENE - The road trip has started on their way to Grandma's. Montage of scene with Graffiti6's “Goodbye Geoffrey Drake” playing in the background.]

[NEW SCENE - Adam and Haddie in his car. Haddie is on her cell phone all but ignoring her father as she texts.]

ADAM: Where do you think you want to study, Haddie?

HADDIE: Uh, what? I don't know, dad.

ADAM: College.

HADDIE: I don't know.

ADAM: You know what, you're gonna have the time of your life in college, guaranteed.

HADDIE: [Chuckles]

ADAM: Who are you texting?

HADDIE: Caroline.

ADAM: Caroline?

HADDIE: She's a smart girl.

ADAM: Does she know where she's going to college yet?

HADDIE: Uh...[Sighs] Um, I don't know. [Her phone chimes, Haddie giggles.]

[NEW SCENE - Crosby in the back singing with Jabbar and Sydney, Joel is driving and Julia is trying to work.]

CROSBY: [Singing with the kids.] Chicken bones, ice cream cones that's what makes the world go round. Lizard feet, trick or treat that's what makes the world go round. Tippy toes that's what makes the world go round. Happy leg da da da that's what makes the world go round.

JULIA: [Turning of the music.] Okay! Hey, hey. Guys, guys, guys. Guys, okay, we're gonna take a little break. Just a little break from the music.

JOEL: Yeah.

JULIA: I have to write this brief. Thank you.

CROSBY: It doesn't look very brief.

SYDNEY: [Giggles]

CROSBY: [Laughs] I love legal jokes. They're so good.

JABBAR: I love legal jokes. You're so funny. [Giggles]

[The 2 ways crackles to life, Julia grabs it quickly.]

SARAH: [On the 2 way, Laughing] Hi, Crosby. That's all I could think of to say.

JULIA: Hi, mission-specific communications only. Thank you so much.

[NEW SCENE - In Sarah's car with Drew and Amber. Sarah is driving.]

AMBER: Red leader. Uh, this is night wing. Over and out.

SARAH: [Laughs] Night wing. That's good.

AMBER: Right? That's good, right?

SARAH: That sounds like a mission title.

AMBER: Do you have one that you want? I ch... I call night wing.

SARAH: [To Drew in the back seat.] What is yours? Drew, what is your... What is your handle?

AMBER: Just think of one, anything random... celebrity or something. What is it?

DREW: [Quietly] I... I don't know, guys.

SARAH: All right, well...

AMBER: Hey, it's not that hard.

SARAH: Somebody is not part of the mission at all.

AMBER: Just choose a celeb, ugh.

SARAH: Fine then. You're gonna be captain kangaroo.

AMBER: Captain kangaroo.

SARAH: You have no say.

[NEW SCENE - Back at home with Kristina and Nora in the main bedroom. They are on the floor, Nora is in a basinet on the floor.]

KRISTINA: Nora, what should we do today, huh? We did all of our chores. We could have a little girl day.

NORA: [Coos]

KRISTINA: If you want, we can do our toes, we can do a pedicure.

MAX: [Entering the room mid rant.] This sucks! This is totally unfair!

KRISTINA: Well, you shouldn't have said what you said.

MAX: You could've given me a different punishment!

KRISTINA: You shouldn't have said what you said, okay?

MAX: You are so mean! You are the meanest woman in the world. I cannot believe how mean you are.

KRISTINA: Stop yelling at me.

MAX: I wish you weren't my mother. I'm never talking to you again.

KRISTINA: Good, let's start right now. [To Nora.] You're talking to me, right? Hi, goo goo ga ga.

[NEW SCENE - Zeek and Camille in his pickup truck.]

CAMILLE: Well, I just hope that you don't let this ruin the trip for you.

ZEEK: Well, it just seemed like such a mean thing to do. I don't know.

CAMILLE: Well, you know, I've heard you say any number of times that, uh, they need to set boundaries with Max.

ZEEK: Yeah, but not on my time. My gosh, all I wanted was for the whole Braverman clan to be there and for my mom to meet them and...

CAMILLE: Yeah, I know.

ZEEK: Everybody to be together. That's all.

CAMILLE: Yeah, I just don't want to see you disappointed...Again. I mean, every time that you have anything at all to do with your mother, you wind up disappointed.

ZEEK: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Just...

CAMILLE: And I have to talk you down.

ZEEK: Don't psychoanalyze me, please. All right?

[NEW SCENE - Adam and Haddie's car.]

ADAM: You know something about grandma Blanche?

HADDIE: [Still using her phone.] Uh...

ADAM: Terrible cook.


ADAM: Awful. I mean, she'd make this Lasagna that... I mean, this stuff was God-awful, and we would have to eat that for days. The leftovers. And we would go, and we'd sneak other food, you know? Giant bowls of cereal.

HADDIE: Oh, yeah? The Lasagna was bad?

ADAM: Just days and days.

HADDIE: Yeah, it was real bad.

[NEW SCENE - Sarah's car.]

SARAH: She did not like your dad and not for the obvious reasons... Not 'cause she thought he was high or anything. He had these jeans she didn't like. They had holes in them, and she thought that was disrespectful to show up to her house.

AMBER: Oh, no.

SARAH: Yeah.

AMBER: She's not gonna like me.

SARAH: Aw...You're right.

AMBER: [Laughs]

[NEW SCENE - Julia's car.]

CROSBY: I can't believe dad wrangled us into going to see grandma. You know she used to cut my hair every time I'd visit her, give me these terrible haircuts? She's pure evil.

JOEL: She sounds evil.

JULIA: She's not... Grandma blanche is not evil. You know what, every time I won a spelling bee, she gave me 5 bucks.


JULIA: It was really sweet.

CROSBY: So as long as you're capable of winning a spelling bee, she will love you. Yeah, that's not evil at all. Right, Joel?

JOEL: [Smiling.] Ugh, I don't know her, so.

[NEW SCENE - Montage of shots of the cars. Kitty, Daisy, & Lewis' “I'm coming home” is playing.]

[NEW SCENE - Lunch stop at Cindy's diner. The family is seated at a couple of tables.]

ADAM: All right, who wants to order a couple of Monte Cristos just to taste?

SARAH: You get it.

AMBER: If you want it a heart attack in a bottle.

[Overlapping chatter as they decide on what to order, Zeek is not pleased.]

CROSBY: Nah, the Philly cheeseburger.

SARAH: What about the fiesta salad?

JULIA: Sydney, how about fruit salad?

ZEEK: Hold it. Hold it just one second. I mean, come on. I gave you menus. Everybody should know what they want. Let's order.

SARAH: Well, dad, we don't know what everybody else is getting...

ADAM: Relax. We're not on maneuvers. We're trying to figure out what we're gonna eat.

[More overlapping chatter]

WAITRESS: Who got the strawberry limeades?

ADAM: Okay, well, I tell you what, somebody order me a Turkey burger, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

CAMILLE: You got it. You want salad...

ADAM: Yeah, please.

ZEEK: I'm gonna have a Reuben.


ZEEK: I'm gonna have extra slaw and extra dressing. Is that possible?

WAITRESS: Got you, you bet.

CAMILLE: And the gentleman who just left us...

ZEEK: [To Crosby] Will you do me a favor and just keep your eye on the chair in the truck, please?

CROSBY: You want me to stare at the chair while...

ZEEK: I don't want you to stare. I want you to just make sure nobody steals the damn chair. All right? God, I'm just asking you to do a favor. Can you do that?

CROSBY: I won't take my eyes off it.

ZEEK: Yeah, thanks.

CROSBY: Well, he is in a lovely mood.

SARAH: Maybe I want a eggs Benedict.

[NEW SCENE - Rest room, Zeek standing while Adam is in a stall.]

ZEEK: You know, son, I gotta tell you something. I'm having a hard time with your whole family not being here.

ADAM: Oh, God, dad, you you mind? I'm a little busy back here.

ZEEK: No, I understand, you know, you got your hands full with Max and everything. My gosh, I respect that, but did you have to throw the gauntlet down just before our big family trip, for Pete's sake?

ADAM: Hey, dad, you know what? It's done, so let's just drop it, okay?

ZEEK: Well, tell me something, Adam. Did the baby do anything? 'Cause how come the baby can't be here? Why didn't the baby...

ADAM: God, dad, please, just let it go.

ZEEK: Why don't you call up Kristina on the phone? Just tell her, j... Put your foot down.

ADAM: Oh, that's just perfect.

ZEEK: Huh? Just put your foot down, Adam.

ADAM: Uh, because it's not 1950, dad. I don't "Put my foot down" with Kristina.

ZEEK: Well, you should be putting your foot down.

ADAM: Would you just stop and give me a break, okay? This is my family. I'm happy to be here for you, and I am sorry if you're disappointed, but Kristina had to make a tough decision with Max, and we're gonna stick with it, all right? Settle down.

ZEEK: I'm settled.

[NEW SCENE - Back at the tables, Adam sits down. Zeek is not there.]

CAMILLE: He'll be fine. He'll be fine once we get to his mom's. You know, it's just now he's got the...

CROSBY: I don't know, did he get a testosterone shot or…

CAMILLE: …you know, the anxiety.

SARAH: Is he worried about her 'cause she fell?

CAMILLE: No, it's the... it's his whole thing with his mom. Well, he didn't have the kind of parents that you kids have.

CROSBY: Smoking hot?

SARAH: What kind is that?

CROSBY: Smoking hot parents?

SARAH: [Laughs]

CAMILLE: No, supportive. When he was a young man, he had a lot of dreams. There were things he wanted to do and be and...

SARAH: Like what?

CAMILLE: Like being an actor.


CAMILLE: And you know what she said to him when he told her he wanted to be an actor?

ADAM: What?

CAMILLE: She said, "And what makes you think you're so special?" And he was special. And he is special, but he still hears her voice in his head, even now. You know, and the... I think, in some ways, he still is, um, seeking her approval.

ZEEK: [Returning] Uh, whose approval?

CAMILLE: The w-waitress'. The extra slaw.

ZEEK: Talking about my mom, huh?

ADAM: Dad, it's no big deal. We were just talking about how maybe you shouldn't worry so much about what grandma thinks, that's all.

CROSBY: Yeah, we don't worry about what you two think, and look at us. We're all, uh, smashing successes.

JULIA: Yeah, clearly.


CROSBY: Besides, grandma's, uh... She's a little bit bonkers. You shouldn't let her opinion inform you about anything.

ZEEK: "Bonkers"? I mean, she's your grandma. How about a little respect here, Crosby?

CROSBY: I thought I was being nice about it.

ZEEK: Just a little bit. Just tone it down a little.

AMBER: It's cute. It's like a sitcom.

ZEEK: It isn't even Chris... [Noticing his truck]

SARAH: [To Amber] It's Bonkers Grandma.

CAMILLE: Guys...

CROSBY: Then what are you...

ZEEK: Where the hell is the chair?

CROSBY: Oh, my God.


CAMILLE: I can't believe anyone would steal that.

ZEEK: Aw, come on, is this a joke? Are you kidding me? Well, where the hell is the chair? I told you to keep your eyes on it, and it's gone!

CROSBY: I looked at my menu and it was gone!

[Zeek walks off.]

CROSBY: They couldn't have gotten far. It's a 600-pound recliner.

ZEEK: This is not funny!

[Overlapping chatter and laughter]

[NEW SCENE - Outside the diner, the police have been called. Amber and Drew are in the car, Drew in the back seat.]

AMBER: I can't believe she's making me drive the rest of the way. It just doesn't seem fair somehow.

DREW: [Sighs] At least you didn't have to see her having sex with Mr. Cyr. [Amber looks at Drew surprised.] Yeah.

AMBER: You're not serious.

DREW: Absolutely, yes. I'm dead serious.

AMBER: Oh, my God. No.

DREW: I, like, went to get a CD from the guesthouse and walked in on... yeah.

AMBER: [Gasps] No. Ew. [Gasps]

DREW: And I can't even hardly make eye contact.

AMBER: Oh, my God.

DREW: Yeah.

AMBER: That's why you're mad and angry this whole trip.

DREW: And she is coming, so...

AMBER: Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, please, no.

SARAH: Oh, my God, grandpa is losing it. [Chuckles] Hey, can I move this? [She slides the seat back.]

DREW: You bet, yeah. Oh, wow, okay.

SARAH: [Sighs] Thank you. My back is killing me.

[Amber looks at Drew in the rear view mirror.]

SARAH: [Sighs] Let's go.

AMBER: Okay.

[NEW SCENE - Zeek and Camille. Earl Hooker's “Ride Hooker Ride” starts playing.]

ZEEK: 900 bucks right out the window, huh? What am I gonna get my mom? Happy 86th birthday, ma. Here's, uh, some fuzzy dice, huh? How about a baseball cap or a... A switchblade? How about that? [Scoffs]

CAMILLE: Or one of those great little cigarette lighters that have the eagle on them? [She smiles]

[NEW SCENE - Sarah's car. Amber driving. Sarah's cell phone ringtone plays. “I Want You, I Want You.”]

SARAH: [Gasps as she answers it.] Hi. [Laughs] Ah, uh, no. I'm in the car with the kids. [Clears throat] Hi. Mark says hi. They say hi back. What? No. [Chuckles] I am familiar with that, uh, position in, uh, the c... In the congress. [Amber can't believe what she is hearing.] I... Uh... [Chuckles] Stop. I will... I'm gonna talk to you later. Okay, bye. [Chuckles]

[Drew is uncomfortable in the back seat.]

[NEW SCENE - Back at home with Kristina and Max. She goes to his door.]


MAX: I cleaned my room.

KRISTINA: It looks amazing. You did a really good job.

MAX: Can we go on the trip now?

KRISTINA: No, buddy. I'm... I'm sorry. We can't.

[NEW SCENE - Road side stop. The family are getting gifts for Grandma.]

HADDIE: Dad, let me get $10.

ADAM: For what?

HADDIE: Uh, for this '70s CD over there. It looks funny and weird. We can listen to it in the car.

ADAM: Oh, yeah, sure. Let me give you some money, so you can do something else besides talk to me on this trip.

HADDIE: Uh, is something wrong?

ADAM: You know what, if I have to explain it to you, it's not worth talking about. How much do you want?

HADDIE: [Scoffs] Okay, I don't know, but it sounds kind of childish. I don't know...

ADAM: Well, it quite possibly is childish, Haddie. I'm sure it's not nearly as adult or as engrossing as texting your friend Caroline for hours or listening to Taylor swift for the 1,400th time.

HADDIE: Okay, whoa. I... are you... Is this a serious fight?

ADAM: Yeah, I'm serious. I thought it'd be nice to talk to you. You haven't said two words to me this entire trip.

HADDIE: Uh, yeah, I have. What are...

ADAM: No, you haven't.

HADDIE: Oh, my God.

ADAM: Not about anything important or real, you know?

HADDIE: You want to be having serious, heavy conversations? I'm just trying to have fun.

ADAM: I'm just trying to have fun too. I thought it would be fun to talk to my daughter six months before she goes away to college, but I guess I was wrong.

HADDIE: [Scoffs]

ADAM: Here's $20.


ADAM: Knock yourself out.

HADDIE: Thanks for the guilt trip.

[Near by Julia with Sydney.]

SYDNEY: I like this one, but I like the other one better.

JULIA: All right, the other one it is.

SYDNEY: All right.

JULIA: I think she'll like it.

[Move on to Zeek with Camille.]

ZEEK: Hey. Do you think my mom would like this?

CAMILLE: I think it would look really pretty on her.

ZEEK: Yeah, okay.

[NEW SCENE - Outside with Sarah and her kids.]

AMBER: Look at this. What is this for, my hair?

SARAH: No, don't touch that.

AMBER: Okay.

SARAH: Ew, I don't know, it's a...

AMBER: Do you like our hats? Look, I got us matching hats.

SARAH: Oh, cute. Aw. Doesn't seem to have cheered him up very much. What's wrong with him?

AMBER: Well, you know. I don't know. [Chuckles]

SARAH: What?

AMBER: He, uh, walked in on, um, you and Mr. Cyr, uh, having a private meeting in the guesthouse.

SARAH: What?

AMBER: An intimate union of bodies.

SARAH: [Chuckles] Shut up. [Gasps] Oh, no! [Covers her eyes.]

AMBER: Mm-hmm.

SARAH: No, no.

AMBER: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

SARAH: Not this morning, no, no.

AMBER: Yes, this morning. It's horrible. It's the worst thing ever.

SARAH: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You don't understand, okay?

AMBER: It's so terrible for... Even for me to think about...

SARAH: Even for me, please.

AMBER: And I'm, like, enlightened, and it's horrible. It's... he's really upset.

SARAH: What do I do?

AMBER: I don't know. I don't know how to... How to fix this. This is a serious issue. I don't know what you're gonna do.

SARAH: [Sighs]

[NEW SCENE - Evening, back with Max in the kitchen. Kristina enters the room.]

MAX: I made dinner.

KRISTINA: Wow. [She sits at the table.] It looks really good, Max. Really delicious.

[NEW SCENE - Night. The family are at the motel. The adults sit around a table outside.

ZEEK: I gotta tell you something. I don't think I'm feeling very good, I mean...

CAMILLE: Why don't you go lie down?

ZEEK: I don't want to lie down. I mean, I still gotta call my mother and tell her that half the family isn't coming.

SARAH: Why are you harping on this?

ADAM: Oh, my God. I can't believe you can't let it go.

[Overlapping chatter]

ADAM: You can't let it go.

ZEEK: No, no, I gotta say something. Adam, this is from the heart. I mean, I ask so little of you, son.


ZEEK: I ask so little of all of you.

ADAM: Really? Are you joking?

CAMILLE: Okay. Let's talk about something else.

CROSBY: Dad, you got us piled in these cars like sharecroppers, traipsing all around the state, [Adam laughs] and we're doing that for you, and you're mad. This is insane.

ZEEK: Oh, yeah, well, the only thing I asked you to do was just go up and visit my mother on her 86th birthday.

CROSBY: What the hell you think we're doing here?

ZEEK: Then all of a sudden you think it's a war crime or something like that.

JULIA: Dad, it's not a war crime. It's just that w...


JULIA: It was kind of out of the blue, not a whole lot of notice. And so we all worked really hard to get our schedules arranged to be here.

ZEEK: So all of a sudden, it's like you guys are doing me this giant favor.

CAMILLE: No, sweetie, that's not what she said.

JULIA: That's...

ZEEK: No, that is what she said. I gotta tell you something. You know, really. You guys... You really just... You suck. I'm gonna go to bed.

[Camille follows.]

ADAM: Mom.

[NEW SCENE - Next morning Sydney and Jabbar are riding their razor scooters in the parking lot, Crosby is watching them.]

CROSBY: Just hold it straight and then wait when you...

[Motel office.]

CLERK: He checked out a while ago. Maybe, like, before 8:00.

JOEL: Truck's not there.

SARAH: He checked out.

ADAM: Thanks, Joel. Uh, did... did he say where he was going?

CLERK: I don't usually ask people where they're going when they check out.

ADAM: Okay.

JULIA: Neither of them are answering their cell phones.

[Back in the parking lot.]

JABBAR: How do I do this?

CROSBY: You got it.

[NEW SCENE - Zeek and Camille in the truck. Her cell phone rings.]

ZEEK: No, don't answer that.

CAMILLE: Really?

ZEEK: Yeah, really. Really.

CAMILLE: Oh, come on.

ZEEK: No, I don't want them coming along on this trip anymore. Heck with it. I don't want them thinking that I made them do it. And then that's not what this is supposed to be about, Camille. My God, let them learn a lesson, for crying out loud.

[NEW SCENE - Back at the motel the adults are discussing the situation by standing the pool.]

JULIA: It really... It's so typical of dad. Selfish.

CROSBY: It's so manipulative.

SARAH: I don't like being told I suck. I know that for sure.

JULIA: And now we're supposed to feel guilty. Yeah.


ADAM: But I don't feel guilty.

SARAH: No, I don't feel guilty.

ADAM: I don't. I just feel annoyed.

JULIA: Yeah.

CROSBY: I feel guilty about the chair. I really blew it on that one.

JULIA: Well, that... You should feel bad.

JOEL: Yeah, you should.

CROSBY: He did ask me to watch it.

JULIA: Alright, what are we doing? Well, let's just do what we're supposed to do, and let's... Let's put our tails between our legs and get up there and apologize.

CROSBY: That's exactly what he wants us to do.

ADAM: We didn't do anything. What do we have to apologize for? We shouldn't have to feel bad.

JULIA: I know, but...

ADAM: Okay, you know, I left half my family behind, so I could do this for him.

JULIA: I gave up…

ADAM: Where's the appreciation?

JOEL: You're not gonna get appreciation.

SARAH: You're never gonna get appreciation. I'm not gonna…

ADAM: And that's why we shouldn't go along and give into this stunt. I-it's like saying, "you win."

JULIA: Well, what about grandma?

SARAH: Personally, she doesn't approve of me. I know that because she said to dad, "I don't approve of Sarah," and then he told me, so...

ADAM: I say we don't follow them.

[They pause for a moment.]

CROSBY: Let's go home.

SARAH: That feels good. I like it.

JOEL: Let's stop at that split pea...

CROSBY: Wow, really? Come on, buddy. We're going home.

[NEW SCENE - Max's room, he's lying on his bed when Kristina enters.]

KRISTINA: Hi, bud. You hungry?

MAX: No.

KRISTINA: Do you want me to help you unpack your bag?

MAX: [Sighs as he gets up.]

KRISTINA: Careful.

MAX: [Grunts]

KRISTINA: Careful, careful. So buddy, what kind of a lesson did we learn from all of this?

MAX: I can't call you names.

KRISTINA: Right. Ever.

MAX: Ever.

KRISTINA: Especially that name. It's not a nice name. [Pulling out a hand made card.] What is this, buddy?

MAX: It was for mama blanche. Last time I saw her, she said she liked bugs and things like that, so...

[Max plays with a toy before picking up a shirt.]

MAX: How do you fold a shirt?

[NEW SCENE - Adam and Haddie. Listening to the 70s CD, rock music plays. “Startin' The Day With A Song” by Blue Shoes.]

HADDIE: [Haddie turns the volume down to talk.] I'm sorry that I wasn't paying attention to you.

ADAM: That's all right. I was tired. I overreacted. It's okay.

HADDIE: I just also was thinking that... I'm just so used to being able to hang out with you... Whenever. I don't think about not seeing you, like when I'm going to school... How that's gonna change. 'Cause it's scary to think that I'm gonna be, like, an adult, and you have to take things seriously. And it's scary, right? You're just my dad. I'm so used to having you around. So I just want you to know that I am having fun with you.

ADAM: Well, I want you to know that I think you are an amazing young woman. I do. It's true.

HADDIE: This is how you feel about your parents, right?

[NEW SCENE - Adam pulls over to the side of the road.]

SARAH: Oh, God. What is happening?

ADAM: I'm feeling guilty.

SARAH: Oh, God.


ADAM: Okay, you?

CROSBY: Yeah, I feel pretty lousy. I mean, big, big, guilt, so...

SARAH: Is it wrong that I don't feel anything at all?

CROSBY: [Joking] Yes, that is wrong.

ADAM: Let's go.

CROSBY: You might not be human.

SARAH: Let's get a speeding ticket again.

[They turn around speeding off to Grandma's house.]

[NEW SCENE - Grandma Blanche's house, Zeek and Camille have arrived.]

ZEEK: [Knocking on the door.] Why isn't she answering the door?

CAMILLE: Maybe she can't hear it.

ZEEK: Well, she can hear. I mean, her ears are just fine. It's her hips, you know, could be sold for parts, but she can hear good. [Continues to knock.] Mom! You think something happened?

CAMILLE: Maybe there's a window open.

ZEEK: [Knocking again.] Mom! Are you okay? Mom!


ZEEK: All right, this is it. Mom! I'm coming in. [Grunts as he breaks the lock and gets in.]


[Inside the house.]

ZEEK: Mom! Hey!


ZEEK: Mom! Hey! Hello? She's not here.

CAMILLE: [Looking at a diary.] No, today's Tuesday.

ZEEK: Right? "Bridge club, 1:30."

ZEEK: What?

CAMILLE: She has bridge club.

ZEEK: She scheduled a bridge game the day we arrive?

CAMILLE: Well, I m...

ZEEK: And we... We drive hundreds of Miles, we go through hell to get here, and she scheduled a bridge game? I mean, that damn woman.

CAMILLE: I'm sure it's... It's every Tuesday at 1:30. She's old.

ZEEK: Well, so am I, damn it. I mean, come on. It's just... You know what? I'm through with this. I'm done. Finished. I'm out of here. I am so finished! Knows we're coming. Why the hell...

KRISTINA: Surprise!

TOGETHER: We're here!

MAX: Where's mama blanche? I have a present for her.

KRISTINA: Whoa, Max. We flew down to surprise everybody, so I thought it would be...

CAMILLE: You deserve a medal, flying with a three-month-old.

KRISTINA: Thank you. I had a beer on the plane, so that helped a little bit. Where did everybody go? What happened?

ZEEK: Oh, you wanna know what happened?


ZEEK: Oh, I'll tell you what happened.


ZEEK: Come here.

[Camille takes the baby inside as Zeek and Kristina side on a bench seat outside.]

ZEEK: [Grunts] Well, um... Kristina, the deal is... [Sighs] I look at my life, and I'm thinking, you know, what really matters, and, I mean, you got the memories and all that.


ZEEK: Yeah, that's great. But the whole purpose is family. I mean, that's really what I want it to be about, and I wanted the kids to come with me to visit my mom. And, uh, they were kind of reluctant, so I got angry. I got mad at them and just completely drove them away. And, uh, pretty much just screwed... I... I just pretty much screwed the whole thing up. That's the bottom line.

KRISTINA: [Sighs] Zeek, come on. Are you kidding? You're kidding.


KRISTINA: You didn't screw anything up. I mean, I can say this, because, well, you know, coming from a family that's really lacking, and... You should be very proud of yourself and this family. You and Camille have created this wonderful and weird and crazy...

ZEEK: [Chuckles]

KRISTINA: Great family. And I'm so lucky to be a part of it. I can't tell you. You know, you've always treated me like a daughter. And you've always been there for me, and I want to thank you for that. So thanks. You're a good dad...

ZEEK: Really?

KRISTINA: And a good man. Mm-hmm.

ZEEK: Thanks.

[A small buggy pulls up honking it's horn.]



KRISTINA: I'm gonna get Camille.


ZEEK: Hi. Here, let me help you.

KRISTINA: [Calling] Camille.

BLANCHE: I'm okay.

ZEEK: Are you sure?


ZEEK: Hi ma, how are you?

CAMILLE: Look who's here. Hey, ma.

ZEEK: Look, Millie.

CAMILLE: Mom. You look wonderful.

BLANCHE: Camille... You look lovely.

CAMILLE: Thank you. Happy, Happy Birthday.

KRISTINA: Happy Birthday.

BLANCHE: Thank you.

ZEEK: What happened? I mean, what did you do? Forget we were coming?

BLANCHE: No, I knew you wouldn't be here till now. The traffic's a bitch in the afternoon.

[The rest of the family turns up honking their horns in the quite street.]


BLANCHE: Oh, my gosh, look.

ADAM: [To Haddie.] Can you get the gift out of the car? Grandma, hey!


ADAM: How you doing? Sorry I'm late.

KRISTINA: Honey? Surprise!

ADAM: Happy Birthday.

KRISTINA: So glad to see you.

ADAM: We had to stop with the kids and it was just crazy.

[Adam greets Kristina with a hug and kiss.]

KRISTINA: Hi, honey. I'm sorry.

[Overlapping chatter]

JULIA: Happy Birthday.

KRISTINA: [to Adam.] Aw, you're happy to see me? I spent $500 on plane fare, so...

ADAM: Thank you, honey, I'm so glad you're here.

KRISTINA: You're welcome.

BLANCHE: I don't even know everybody.

JULIA: Okay, we got a whole crew down here.

BLANCHE: Oh! [To Sydney] You just lost a tooth?

CAMILLE: See, they all showed up. They all wanted to be with you.

BLANCHE: Haddie!


ADAM: Sorry for everything, pop.

ZEEK: You're a good kid, Adam.

JULIA: Remember Sydney? She's grown a lot.

BLANCHE: Do you remember your grandma Blanche?

[Overlapping chatter]

[NEW SCENE - Late the family has gathered to give grandma her gifts.]

BLANCHE: Goodness this is something.

JULIA: Looks like you like it.

BLANCHE: Oh, this is beautiful. Julia, thank you. That's so useful.

CAMILLE: It's wonderful.

CROSBY: Grams.


CROSBY: That's from me.

BLANCHE: Okay. What is this?

CROSBY: Uh, what you're looking at there is an egg cooker for poached eggs. It's got a timer on there so that your eggs won't be runny.

BLANCHE: Oh. I haven't eaten eggs in years. That will be interesting.


JULIA: She doesn't eat eggs, Crosby.

JABBAR: Do mine next.


JABBAR: Open it.

BLANCHE: Okay. Open it?

SYDNEY: And then you can open this.


BLANCHE: Okay. Okay. Here we go. This is so exciting. It's a snow globe.

JABBAR: Yay, I love snow globes. I love that one. That was the best one in the store.

[Meanwhile Zeek looks at a photo of him as an infant with his mother.]

JULIA: Look at that.


JABBAR: I picked that out.


BLANCHE: Oh, thank you.

SARAH: [To Drew.] Hey, will you come out in the car with me? I need some help carrying something.

JABBAR: I remember when we got that.


[NEW SCENE - In the garage.]

SARAH: It's just... you know, it's a really heavy thing. I don't really have anything for you to carry. I just want to talk this out with you. I'm sorry you saw whatever... You know, whatever it was.

DREW: No, no.

SARAH: I know. I don't wanna bother you about it, and I...

DREW: Yeah.

SARAH: I feel like we can't even talk normally. I mean, I... I remember, in junior high, I saw my teacher buying 1/5 of vodka, and you know, I thought that was bad. And this is much, much worse.

DREW: Yeah, of course. You didn't see teacher having sex with mom, okay? It's different and bad.

SARAH: Look, Drew, people are just people, okay? I'm a person, and you're a person.

DREW: Yeah.

SARAH: And you know, some of the people things that I do you'll think about someday or something, and you know, you're...

DREW: Yes.

SARAH: You know, I know I'm your mom, but I'm also a... I'm a person.

DREW: It's just like moms don't have sex, and so...

SARAH: I know, but at... On the other hand, here you are, so...

DREW: Yes, I'm aware. I'm aware, so, yeah.

SARAH: I guess maybe you need more time.

DREW: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

SARAH: [Sighs] Well, can you... Can we at least try to enjoy the rest of the trip and...

DREW: Yeah. Should we just go back in?

SARAH: Can I give you a h... Hug?

DREW: Listen, tomorrow it'll be better.

SARAH: Too soon?

DREW: Yeah.

SARAH: Thanks for having this conversation. [They shake hands.] That's not a good handshake. It's very limp.

DREW: Yeah.

SARAH: [Sighs]

KRISTINA: No more sugar. You're gonna get pinworms.

MAX: Hey, you're gonna drop it.

KRISTINA: Max, stop it, okay? Go play with your cousins, please. [To Zeek.] It's, like, gritty.

JULIA: So how have you been, grandma blanche?

BLANCHE: Oh, just fine.

JULIA: Yeah?

BLANCHE: Yeah, I'm very independent. Don't need much fussing over. Course, it would be nice to see certain people a little more often.

ZEEK: We're here now, mom.

NOEL: Yeah.

SARAH: But, um, did you enjoy your party and your awesome gifts?

BLANCHE: Oh, yes. They were great. Of course, Zeek forgot and had to pick me up a hat at the tourist stop on the way here. He was always forgetful. Bit of a wanderer. Maybe that's why he never stayed in one business very long, always moving from place to place.

CROSBY: You know, he's here, grandma. He can hear you.

ZEEK: It's okay, son. [Quietly as he stands.] Give it a rest. It's not worth it.

[Zeek leaves the room and goes outside.]

CROSBY: You know, he bought you a really nice recliner for your birthday, and he went to a lot of trouble to put it in the back of his truck and rope it down. And then I was supposed to watch over it, and it was stolen. And it's my fault, not his.

[NEW SCENE - Night time, outside.]

ZEEK: [Sighs]

BLANCHE: What's wrong?

ZEEK: It's nothing, ma.

BLANCHE: Crosby told me about the chair. Don't worry about it. What am I gonna do with a big recliner anyway?

ZEEK: It's not the chair.

BLANCHE: Well, what is it then?

ZEEK: [Sighs] You know what I told my kids every day of their lives? I mean, all four of them, whether I was angry or frustrated or sad or whatever, you know what I told them every day? "I love you." I wanted it to be clear to them. That's why I told them. Then you hurt your hip, and, um, suddenly I thought, jeez, I gotta get those kids up there. Ma, they are the best thing that I have done... With my life... And I wanted you to see that.

BLANCHE: They are beautiful.

ZEEK: Thank you. [Sighs]

BLANCHE: I love you, Zeek. Of course I do. You're my baby.

[Camille watches from the window.

[NEW SCENE - Montage as the family drives home, “Honey I'll Try” by Emile Millar plays over the last few scenes.]

[NEW SCENE - They stop at a roadside lookout. Everyone looking at the view, as Jabbar and Sydney ride their Razor Scooters.

Episode End
3.12 - Road Trip
Original Airdate (NBC) January 3, 2011
Written by David Hudgins
Directed by Jessica Yu

Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com

Please Don't Use Without Permission!

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