[Opening scene - Adam and Kristina's house, they are going over the party plan list while Max is watching out the front window.]
KRISTINA: Okay, honey, so far we have 12 RSVPs. I need to buy the ingredients for the cake. I need to buy bug-themed stuff for goodie bags...
KRISTINA: I don't know about that... Organize a craft, and Joel and Julia said that they'd make bug-shaped cookies, which is awesome.
ADAM: Why can't we just buy bug-shaped cookies from somewhere?
KRISTINA: Think about that sentence.
MAX: It's here! It's here, and it's awesome.
MAX: Look. Is that... That's him. That's the bug guy, and he's got a giant cricket that moves on his truck. It's so cool!
MAX: Oh, my God.
KRISTINA: It's so cool. He's right.
ANDY: Please, just be... I'd really rather you didn't.
MAX: Look at this!
ADAM: Max, be careful.
KRISTINA: Can you not touch that?
ANDY: I'm Andy Fitzgerald from Amazing Andy's Wonderful World of Bugs.
ADAM: [Putting his hand out.] Adam...
[Andy walks on by.]
ANDY: I have a few things I need to go over with you.
MAX: Mom! Dad!
ADAM: Amazing Andy's got a little attitude.
MAX: I love this car.
ADAM: Honey, can you get him out of there?
KRISTINA: Let's go.
MAX: So cool.
KRISTINA: Don't touch the grasshopper.
MAX: It's a cricket, mom.
KRISTINA: Well, whatever.
MAX: I love this guy.
[Amazing Andy opens the front door to let himself into their house.]
[NEW SCENE - Night, Braverman house. Seth waits by his car, a powder blue Mustang that has seen better days.]
SETH: Hey, buddy.
SARAH: [To Amber.] Come on.
DREW: Hey, dad.
SETH: We're gonna get some burgers at Oscar's and then check out some vinyl at Amoeba. Why don't you... Why don't you come with?
AMBER: No, I'm really... I'm busy. But have fun, Drew.
SARAH: Not tonight, but have fun. Hey, I'm gonna be at work, okay, so grandpa's in charge.
ZEEK: Hey, have him back by 10:00, all right, Seth? It's a school night. [Holding a golf club.]
SETH: You got it, Z.
SARAH: You didn't say hi, dad.
SARAH: [He starts the engine and turns to Drew.] Does he mean 10:00 A.M.?
DREW: Uh, no.
SARAH: It's really good for him, you know, to see his dad. It really is.
ZEEK: Is it? I don't know. [Walks off.]
SARAH: [To herself.] I don't know.
[NEW SCENE - Jasmine packing the dishwasher as the phone rings.]
JASMINE: What, Crosby?
CROSBY: This is stupid, okay? We are fighting over how to load a dishwasher.
JASMINE: Oh, so now it's about the dishwasher? What about all that stuff you said?
CROSBY: People say mean stuff when they're in the middle of a fight, okay? It doesn't mean we have an actual issue we need to work out.
JASMINE: You said that you couldn't marry a woman like me.
CROSBY: Yeah, in the middle of an argument.
JASMINE: You also said that I was controlling, you were disappearing, and you don't like my vision for our family.
CROSBY: You're twisting my words right now. That is not how I feel about you.
JASMINE: Well, then you shouldn't have said it.
CROSBY: All right, well, you know what, if I would have known that everything I said was gonna be used against me, I would have had a lawyer there.
JASMINE: Well, how about you call your sister then?
[NEW SCENE - Kristina and Max sit at the dining table as Adam reads a list of conditions given to him by Andy.]
ADAM: There will be no deviating from scheduled show time.
ADAM: No one is to come within ten feet of insects. [Looks at Andy.] Outlets must be no more than 15 feet away from presentation area.
ANDY: Outlets. Grounded outlets.
ADAM: Minimum of two available outlets is mandatory.
KRISTINA: I don't think we have two outlets that are 15 feet away...
ANDY: That's a deal breaker.
MAX: No, yes, we do. Yes, we do. We have that one by the living room window and then the one by the hose. That's less than 15 feet.
ANDY: Really bad idea to have an outlet by a hose.
MAX: That's what I said.
KRISTINA: It came like that.
ANDY: It's workable.
ADAM: All right. Maximum number of party guests is 25.
ADAM: Andy, I have kind of a big family, and then his whole class is gonna be coming, so can you stretch that to 35 or so?
ANDY: [Shakes his head.]
MAX: Dad, stop making him mad.
ANDY: No, no.
KRISTINA: But it's not your house.
MAX: Stop making him mad, dad.
ADAM: Okay, 25 it is. Finally, no clapping will be tolerated. All right.
KRISTINA: There's gonna be kids here. There's gonna be clapping.
MAX: Very bad for the bugs.
MAX: Yeah, it really is terrible. It scrambles their brains.
ADAM: No clapping. We'll make sure there's no clapping. I think we got it all covered.
ANDY: I'm gonna use your bathroom.
MAX: Yeah, it's upstairs.
KRISTINA: There's one right in the hall.
MAX: No, it's upstairs.
MAX: Okay, this guy is so cool. Did you see his bug portfolio? Oh, my... I'm gonna go get my beetle scrapbook and show it to him.
KRISTINA: He's the weirdest person I've ever met in my entire life.
ADAM: That's an understatement.
KRISTINA: What are we gonna do?
ADAM: There's gonna be a lot more than 25 people, I can tell you that.
KRISTINA: Oh, hell, yeah. I can't imagine 25 people. It's our house. He can't tell us how many...
MAX: This guy performed at Max's school? Are you sure we got the right guy?
[They both pause and look up hearing water running.]
KRISTINA: [Moving to the stairs.] Honey, I don't know that he is in the shower. Who would just go in someone's shower?
ADAM: You okay? Andy, are you all right in there?
ANDY: Yes. It's okay. I'm fine.
ADAM: [To Kristina.] What kind of a person goes into somebody's shower in their house?
MAX: Oh, my God, amazing Andy is in my shower!
[Opening credits - featuring Forever Young by Bob Dylan]
[NEW SCENE - Joel and Julia in bed.]
JULIA: Okay, okay, okay, okay, we need to stop.
JOEL: Do we?
JULIA: Yeah. 'Cause we got to make a baby, and you're gonna blow the ingredients.
JOEL: That statement should turn me off, but, you know, it didn't.
JULIA: It doesn't? [Laughs] No.
Oh, God. Joel. Joel, stop. Joel, Joel. [He moves lower down Julia's body.] Joel, Joel. Come here. Okay.
JULIA: I will be ovulating within 48 hours.
JULIA: Okay? You know the statistics.
JOEL: I love when you say statistics. Say it again.
JULIA: Oh, no. Okay. No, no. No, no. Don't, don't, don't. Don't blow the sperm count. Okay?
JOEL: Oh, okay.
JULIA: You need to keep that gun loaded. You can't discharge. You can't discharge 48 hours before I'm ovulating.
JOEL: I am listening to you.
JULIA: Okay. Oh, God. Think of our baby waiting to be conceived.
JOEL: That's a little mean.
JULIA: It's not mean.
JOEL: That's kind of cruel.
JULIA: No, it's nature. I didn't make the rules.
JULIA: Two more days.
JOEL: Two more days.
JULIA: Okay. Bye. No funny business in the shower.
JOEL: No funny business.
JOEL: It's gonna be a long two days.
JULIA: I know. I love you.
[NEW SCENE - Footpath Elementary school, Kristina is talking to Miss Hillary at the front desk.]
KRISTINA: I've got to ask you about your experience with Amazing Andy and his Wonderful World of Bugs.
MISS HILLARY: Oh, he does shows for us every year. He's great.
KRISTINA: Really? Huh. Yeah.
MISS HILLARY: You know he has Asperger's, right?
KRISTINA: No. What? I... I didn't know that.
MISS HILLARY: It's why we support his business.
MISS HILLARY: And he's quite good.
MISS HILLARY: But I understand. It's a little different at a party at your house.
KRISTINA: I just don't know if it's gonna work. I mean, we're gonna have all these kids there that...
MISS HILLARY: Just do what you feel comfortable doing.
[NEW SCENE - Max and Gaby at the dining table.]
MAX: Wrote my name on the last one.
GABY: Thank you.
MAX: My six stickers?
GABY: No, I have your two stickers, Max.
MAX: No, I'm supposed to get six stickers for finishing my homework.
GABY: No, we changed the rule. Remember? Now that you're getting older and so grown up, we're weaning you off the stickers.
MAX: That's not fair. I finished my homework.
GABY: Max. Take a deep breath.
MAX: I don't want to.
GABY: Max. Getting upset's not gonna change it. You get two stickers.
MAX: I don't like this new rule, and I don't like you. It's just...
MAX: I just don't...
MAX: [Yelling] It's not fair. Why did you have to come here today? Why did you have to change the rule? [Crosby enters the house.] You just ruin everything. You're actually... You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You just think that you're helping me, but it's just... It's a joke. It's... I haven't learned one single thing from you.
MAX: Since you started coming here.
GABY: Max. Stop it.
CROSBY: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
CROSBY: Hey, hey.
MAX: You're useless!
GABY: That is enough. Max.
MAX: I don't want you to be here.
CROSBY: Max. Hey, hey. [Max screams as he leaves the room.] Holy crap. Are you okay?
GABY: [Almost crying.] I'm used to it.
CROSBY: You can't be used to that.
GABY: Um... What do you... Laundry?
CROSBY: Yeah, I'm doing laundry. You're not okay.
GABY: I'm fine. Honestly. I don't know why I'm doing this.
CROSBY: You want me to call Adam?
GABY: No, no, no, please, please. I just need... I need to go back upstairs.
CROSBY: Well, I'll be here doing laundry for two hours if you need anything.
GABY: [Smiling.] Thank you.
[NEW SCENE - Night, Adam and Kristina's bathroom.]
ADAM: Kristina, how did we not see that this guy has Asperger's?
KRISTINA: Honey, I don't know. I felt like a total moron when she said that.
ADAM: I don't know. I guess we're just so used to thinking about it in terms of kids.
ADAM: We forget they grow up.
KRISTINA: I know.
ADAM: Oh, my God.
KRISTINA: But they do. They do grow up.
ADAM: All right, so what do you think? Do you think that we should use this guy for the birthday party or not? I mean, I feel like ethically...
KRISTINA: I don't know. I mean, it makes me really nervous.
KRISTINA: Okay, we're gonna have a house full of autistic kids.
KRISTINA: What if something goes wrong? Not according to plan? He's gonna lose it.
ADAM: Look, honey, I'm thinking the same thing.
KRISTINA: We have no control
ADAM: I'm thinking the same thing. It sucks.
KRISTINA: Right. So I don't know what to do. I mean, I feel like a hypocrite because, like, you know, what if one day Max wants to get a job and the people don't hire him because they're nervous?
ADAM: All right, look, we don't have to be ethical superheroes about this.
KRISTINA: No, we don't. You're right. I don't... I don't feel like we do.
ADAM: You know, I think we actually owe it to Max to trust our guts on this one. And as much as I want to feel comfortable hiring a man with Asperger's to entertain at my son's birthday party, I really don't.
KRISTINA: Okay. Then the answer's no. No.
[NEW SCENE - Unknown Bar, Crosby and Gaby having drinks, at the counter.]
CROSBY: I could not do your job. That sounds very stressful.
GABY: I don't know. Just, I guess, between the kids and their needs and their parents sometimes can be a lot, and the criticism... It just... it can sometimes feel a little thankless. That's all. But...I don't know.
CROSBY: It seems like it would be very isolating too. Like, kind of lonely.
GABY: Are we talking about my personal life now?
CROSBY: You're not lonely. That's impossible.
GABY: [Laughs] Let's not go there.
CROSBY: Wait a minute. You're lonely? 'Cause I don't believe it.
GABY: [She laughs again.]
CROSBY: You only interact with blind people?
GABY: Come on. Let's talk about you. Why are you in the doghouse?
CROSBY: Um... Apparently I'm
I shouldn't be making any decisions, is what I'm gathering.
GABY: How do you feel about that?
CROSBY: Well, um, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be making decisions.
GABY: Why not?
CROSBY: I don't know. Do I strike you as someone that should be making a lot of decisions?
GABY: I mean, you're a smart guy.
CROSBY: You think so?
CROSBY: You have a very kind opinion of me. And I appreciate it.
GABY: I'm just being honest. [Snorts] Sorry. Ow. [Hitting her teeth on the edge of her glass.]
CROSBY: Careful. Don't knock your teeth out.
GABY: I should probably...
CROSBY: You got to go somewhere?
GABY: Yeah. [Gathers her bag and stand.] Um... Thank you.
CROSBY: Thank you.
GABY: Um... Do I... [They hug before Crosby sits back down and Gaby leaves.]
[NEW SCENE - Julia and Joel in their kitchen. Joel only has eyes for her backside.]
JULIA: Okay when the doe is chill for 20 minutes, then we need to put it on a board and... Okay, work it into shape.
JOEL: It's in shape. It's in... Great shape.
JULIA: Good, so then we need to work the dough until it comes together. What does that mean?
JOEL: It means the dough forms into a cohesive unit. And all the ingredients come together to do what nature intended flour and butter and baking soda to do.
JULIA: [Turns around.] Hey. Are you okay over there?
JOEL: Am I okay? No. No, Julia, I'm making love to dough.
JULIA: [Steps closer to lean over resting on the counter.] I love you.
JOEL: Mm. You pick the strangest times to say that.
JULIA: It's within the next 24 hours.
JOEL: Yeah. Do you have to lean over?
JULIA: Okay. Wow. All right. The clock is ticking, okay?
JULIA: [Seductively.] Hey. I will make it so worth your wait.
JOEL: That's not nice. What you just did.
[NEW SCENE - Kristina exits the front of her house.]
KRISTINA: Hi. Did we have an appointment? I'm
ANDY: This is something I give to all the people that hire me. It's a smiling plush cricket. Crickets can't actually smile, though. That would be anthropomorphizing. But a thoughtful gift helps create repeat business.
KRISTINA: That's true, and it's really cute and nice and smiling in its Anthro... Hey, honey.
ADAM: Hey. Andy, what are you doing here?
ANDY: I'm here to measure for the show Saturday. I always measure two days ahead. [Enters the house.]
ADAM: Uh... [Looks at Kristina.]
KRISTINA: I didn't call him.
ADAM: Honey, we talked about this.
KRISTINA: I don't know what to do. He brought us a plush cricket.
ADAM: Honey, he's going in the house.
KRISTINA: Okay, well, then do something.
ADAM: [Following Andy.] Hey.
[NEW SCENE - Short time later in the back yard.]
KRISTINA: [Whispering] What is he doing?
ADAM: He doesn't look very happy.
MAX: What is that?
KRISTINA: I don't know. He doesn't look happy.
ADAM: I have no idea, Max.
MAX: Does this mean he's not gonna do my party?
ADAM: Oh, no.
KRISTINA: We don't know. I don't know what he's doing.
MAX: [Running to Andy] Are you gonna do my party?
ANDY: Your yard has no sun protection. My bugs will fry out here.
MAX: We can do it inside.
KRISTINA: He said no Max.
MAX: Can we do it inside? We have to.
KRISTINA: It's okay, it's okay.
MAX: We can do it inside.
ADAM: Okay Max.
KRISTINA: Max, calm down.
ADAM: Andy, Andy, is it possible to do the show inside?
ANDY: Let me take some measurements.
MAX: Yes! He's taking measurements.
ANDY: Adam, way too loud. I'm trying to work here.
ADAM: Can't fire him now.
KRISTINA: I'm not. You wanted to.
ADAM: You want me to grab this kit?
ANDY: No, only I touch it.
KRISTINA: [Following Andy.] It's gonna be great.
[NEW SCENE - Crosby enters his house, Jasmine is there.]
JASMINE: What are you doing here?
CROSBY: This fight is so pointless. I don't know how it blew up to this point, but I don't know what's happening. I mean... Did you just wake up and decide that you don't like me anymore? Or that I'm not worth working this out? I don't like it.
JASMINE: Yeah, well, I don't like having to explain to Jabbar why his father's not home. Crosby, we have issues, and we're trying to overcome these issues because we want to be together. But just because we want it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I think we need some time... To figure out what we really want. I just want to make sure that I'm making the right decision for the right reasons. You should do the same.
CROSBY: Well, that scares me.
JASMINE: Me too.
[NEW SCENE - Night, Braverman house. Seth is waiting on the hood of his car, an old Mustang convertible.]
ZEEK: How you doing?
ZEEK: You sober?
SETH: Yeah. Yeah, I am. Nine months.
ZEEK: Well, that's a good thing.
ZEEK: So, I mean, hey, you don't have to wait out here for Drew. Come on inside.
SETH: No, thanks. I'm good. I'll wait out here.
ZEEK: Okay. [Goes to walk away.] You know, Seth, I think what you're doing, it's a good thing.
SETH: What's that? Waiting out here?
ZEEK: No. [Laughs] No, you know, wanting to see your son. Wanting to see Drew. I mean, he missed you.
SETH: Look, Zeek, you don't have to do this. I mean, you don't like me. And I don't like you. So let's just be civil to each other when Drew's around, and, the rest of the time, let's not talk, okay?
ZEEK: All right, Seth.
SETH: All right.
ZEEK: I was just trying to be hospitable, Seth. You know? And there was a little bit of forgiveness in all that.
SETH: God, you're unbelievable. I mean, you just... Zeek, you don't change.
ZEEK: Yeah? So? What do you mean?
SETH: It's all about you, always. "I'm just trying to be hospitable. Hey, come on in. You're a good guy. Hey do hey
" You know, forget it.
ZEEK: Yeah, just trying to be friendly.
SETH: I know.
ZEEK: Hey, why is it you always take something good, Seth, somebody trying to be compassionate, and you just turn it into crap? Why do you do that?
SETH: Wow, you sound like your daughter.
ZEEK: Hey. Let me tell you something. You never talk about my daughter ever in front of me, do you understand that? And I think it's great that you want to see Drew. But you harm that boy, and I will shove that guitar so far down your throat, you'll be playing it with your tongue. [Pushes Seth onto the hood of his car.]
DREW: What are you doing? Dad, are you okay?
SETH: It's okay, Drew.
DREW: What was that? No, it's not okay.
SETH: It's all right.
DREW: Come on, dad.
[NEW SCENE - Night, Battling Palace Batting Cages.]
SETH: You know, I reserved the cage for 5:30, but they're still in there.
DREW: Hey, dad, did grandpa say something to you earlier that upset you? 'Cause, if he did, like, don't be offended by it or anything. I mean, it's just him. It's just the way he acts.
SETH: Hey, I know all about Zeek. All right? Where are you from?
DREW: What do you mean?
SETH: Well, you're not like your mother, and you're better than me.
DREW: That's not true.
SETH: I'm sorry that I'm not everything I'm supposed to be. We are who we are. It's hard having people tell you that you don't add up even if you don't add up. [To the guys in the cage.] Hey, guys, come on, clear the cage. You're ten minutes over.
BOY1: Whatever, dude.
BOY2: Sorry buddy.
BOY3: I'm not worried about you, man.
DREW: Dad it's fine. They're just being jerks.
SETH: Not to me and you, they're not.
[Seth barges in pushing the guys back]
BOY1: Yeah, okay.
BOY2: Hey, what are you doing, man?
SETH: Let's go, boys. Oh, let's play a little baseball. Oh tough guys, look who's tough guys now. [To Drew] Come on, kid. Okay, that was a little over the top.
DREW: Really, it wasn't at all.
SETH: [Laughs and puts money in the ball machine before leaving the cage.] Okay. Come on, son. Let's see what you got.
DREW: Hey, dad, you do add up. Seriously.
SETH: Thanks, buddy.
SETH: All right, put one over that big green wall. [Drew hits the ball.] Oh, yeah!
[NEW SCENE - The family are busy preparing for Max's birthday party.]
MAX: Dad, just remember, there has to be the same amount of each thing in each one.
KRISTINA: [On the phone.] Yes, Amy, yes.
ADAM: I'm giving everybody one...
KRISTINA: [On the phone.] We're very excited.
HADDIE: I'm making...
KRISTINA: [On the phone.] The cupcakes are gluten-free. I'm making them myself. All gluten-free. Different varieties. Everything. Okay? Yeah, we're excited. Okay, we'll see you tomorrow. Bye. [Hangs up the phone.] These parents are crazy. She's crazy. That's the third time she's asked me if the cake is gluten-free
ADAM: Well, honey, they're just trying to get their...
KRISTINA: What are you doing?
ADAM: She's giving me a tattoo.
KRISTINA: No, no. You guys, we only have a few of those tattoos. Take it off. Haddie, please take it... Do something, please. [Moving to the other room where Crosby and Gaby are busy working.] You guys good in here? Everything good? You need more... You need more balls.
CROSBY: No, no, we have plenty of balls. Don't be a perv.
KRISTINA: Okay. Just holler if you need me.
CROSBY: It's pretty good, huh? What do you think?
GABY: I think it's pretty good.
CROSBY: Hey, I'm really sorry about the end of our Margarita drink. I kind of crossed the line, I think.
GABY: No, I'm sorry too. It's mine.
CROSBY: It's not your fault. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, I love my girlfriend...
GABY: Absolutely. Of course. And she's your fiancée, by the way. And she's amazing. And also I work here, and I don't want to mess that up. And you don't have to say anything. It's fine. It's so fine. It's fine.
[NEW SCENE - Hallway at School, Drew is at his locker when some boys come up.]
ARNIE: Wow. Nice vest, Holt. What, did you mug a Jonas brother?
DREW: Um, I don't know who that is, so no.
ARNIE: Hey, you know, Holt, I heard that forever 21 is having a sale, so, you know, go and pick up a nice purse for this.
DREW: Okay, it's my dad's, and he was on tour, and he gave it to me afterward.
ARNIE: Oh, he was on tour. His dad was on tour.
DREW: You know what, Arnie?
[Drew takes a swing at Arnie knocking him to the floor. The students start shouting and cheering.]
TEACHER: Hey, hey, hey. [Pulling them apart.]
ARNIE: Hey, get off me, man.
TEACHER: Get up. All right, my office. Go now. Go.
[NEW SCENE - Back at the birthday party preparations. Kristina, Julia and Sarah are in the kitchen.]
KRISTINA: They're good, huh?
JULIA: As long as you share.
KRISTINA: Yeah, they are good.
JULIA: Give it here.
SARAH: I'm sorry, no offense.
KRISTINA: Are you choking?
SARAH: I'm sorry.
SARAH: But, it just kind of... They taste weird. What...
KRISTINA: They're gluten-free.
SARAH: You know what, now it's actually tasting better.
[A cell phone beeps.]
JULIA: That's Joel. [To Kristina.] Can you check and see what he wants? [To Sarah.] I don't want to taste it. You should have seen the face that you made when you tasted it. I'm not gonna taste it.
SARAH: It tastes like sand with sugar in it.
JULIA: What is it? Does he want something?
KRISTINA: He does want something.
JULIA: What does he want?
KRISTINA: I can't say it.
JULIA: [Gasps] Ohh!
KRISTINA: I'm nervous. I'm sweating.
JULIA: What is happening?
SARAH: Ready? "Julia, I can't stop thinking about your ass. What are you wearing?" I know how to handle this, okay?
JULIA: No, no.
SARAH: [Typing a reply message.] You don't understand what the men... I'm gonna wipe this... I'm wearing a giant muumuu...
KRISTINA: And a thong.
JULIA: Oh, my...
SARAH: And a thong. They love that. With a bathrobe.
SARAH: Here. [Hands Julia her phone.]
JULIA: Thank you.
KRISTINA: Write him back.
[Cell phone rings]
SARAH: Oh, my God. And now my phone.
SARAH: Oh, that was the best thing ever. [Answering the phone.] Hello?
KRISTINA: [To Juli.] I'm not making fun of you at all.
JULIA: Thank you.
KRISTINA: It's kind of amazing.
SARAH: It's school. I'm sorry.
KRISTINA: I'm sorry.
SARAH: I can't hear you. Are you kidding? I will be right there. I'm on my way. It'll take me about 25 minutes. Thank you. [Hangs up.] I have to go. It's school.
KRISTINA: It's Amber?
SARAH: No. It's Drew.
JULIA: Is he okay?
SARAH: I don't know. I don't know. I'll call you.
[NEW SCENE - School office.]
SARAH: [Surprised to see him.] What are you doing here?
SETH: I'm waiting for you so we can go talk to the warden.
SARAH: Who called you? They don't have your number.
SETH: Drew called me. He's in the pokey right now.
[NEW SCENE - Principal Gomez's office.]
PRINCIPAL: As I was telling your husband outside briefly...
SARAH: Excuse me. I'm sorry. He's not my husband. I mean, he was my husband, but he's not. But I'm a fulltime parent, you know, who's here all the time. He's... I mean, it doesn't matter.
PRINCIPAL: Look, Drew's a great student, and never been any problems before. But, Drew, if this ever happens again, I will not hesitate to suspend you.
SARAH: We understand. We totally... We all understand. Thank you.
[NEW SCENE - Outside, leaving the school.]
SETH: Let me see. Elbows in, hands up high.
DREW: I know. I know.
SARAH: Is it swollen?
SETH: I told you, kid, you get in the first lick, you'll shut him up.
SARAH: The first? No, no, honey, the message is that we don't fight.
SETH: Oh, God, here it comes.
DREW: That we don't fight.
SARAH: He almost just got kicked out of school.
SETH: He kicked a bully's ass.
SARAH: That's not the point
DREW: I did not almost get kicked out of school. Just stop. You're always trying to blame it on him. It's not his fault, okay? I'm the one who punched the guy. Really, mom, I'm going home with dad. I'll just see you at the house.
SETH: Get in there, kid.
DREW: Too much.
SARAH: Wear a seatbelt!
[NEW SCENE - Crosby alone in his house boat when his cell phone starts to buzz.]
CROSBY: I'm so glad you called.
JASMINE: Listen, I'm really sorry, but I got to take Jabbar to the desert for a few days to visit my aunt.
CROSBY: Well, um, it's Max's birthday tomorrow.
JASMINE: I know. I'm really sorry, but my aunt hasn't been feeling well, and my mom is going out to help her, and I'd like to go with her and bring Jabbar. He hasn't seen his aunt in a long time.
CROSBY: I don't think that's fair.
JASMINE: I know. I know it's always about the Braverman's, but Jabbar's aunt would really like to see him, and I'm taking him, so...
CROSBY: Jasmine, what is going on?
JASMINE: I don't know.
CROSBY: We need to get together and talk this out. I don't think you should go.
JASMINE: I'm not ready for that right now, Crosby. Good-bye.
[NEW SCENE - Kristina tries to control the birthday part that is in full swing.]
KRISTINA: Kids, settle down over there. Okay, no running. Oh, no. Come on now. Don't run through here. You guys. No, no, no. No, no. You guys, the Piñata's for later. Later. Kyle. We're gonna wait on this, okay? Hey. Hey, Adam! Adam!
GABY: You worried about Jabbar?
CROSBY: He's not actually sick. Jasmine didn't want to come, so she just took him to her aunt's for the weekend.
GABY: I'm sorry.
LIZA: Yeah, it's just he's always had sensitivity to noise, so if there's any way we could ask the kids to not clap after the birthday candles.
LIZA: That would be great, because it's any sudden loud noise, and he just goes berserk.
LIZA: Are these gluten-free then?
KRISTINA: The cupcakes?
LIZA: Can I take one of the bugs off? He doesn't like bugs.
KRISTINA: I made
HENRY: Are you Max's mom?
KRISTINA: I am.
HENRY: I need my pizza with just cheese.
JUDAH: I'm his brother. He likes his pizza with just cheese and no sauce.
KRISTINA: Just cheese?
HENRY: Just cheese. No sauce, no toppings, no spices, no pepperoni, just cheese.
JUDAH: Pineapples are okay.
KRISTINA: Okay. Just cheese pizza.
ADAM: You all right?
KRISTINA: Mm-hmm. Just cheese.
ADAM: Hey, Henry, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna make a very special pizza order just for you right now, okay? All right, with just cheese. [The doorbell rings] Uh... There's Andy.
LIZA: My kid doesn't eat cheese.
[NEW SCENE - Front door, Zeek opens it.]
ZEEK: Howdy. Oh, hey, you must be the bug guy.
ANDY: I'm here to set up for the show.
ZEEK: Yeah, sure, come on in. You need some help there?
ANDY: I set up by myself.
ZEEK: Okay. Wow, that's a nice rig. I bet you get the ladybugs with that one, huh?
ANDY: Ladybugs are hermaphroditic.
ZEEK: [To Adam.] What'd you say?
ADAM: Hello, Andy.
ANDY: Yes, setting up.
ANDY: Well, that guy's kind of rude.
ADAM: Well, actually, dad, he has Asperger's.
ZEEK: Oh, come on. No, he doesn't.
ADAM: Dad, he has Asperger's like Max.
ZEEK: And he's got his own business there?
ADAM: Yeah. It's his own bug...
ANDY: No touching the glossy display elements. Fingerprints. Fingerprints.
ZEEK: That's great.
ADAM: Yeah, I hope so, 'cause there's only about a million ways this could go wrong and send this entire party into a giant group meltdown. So...
KRISTINA: Oh, God!
ADAM: Yeah, honey.
ANDY: Fingerprints. Fingerprints. No touching. No touching.
MAX: Gaby, it's amazing Andy, and he's... He's amazing.
ANDY: Please, no audience yet.
MAX: I've never seen some of these before.
ANDY: Too soon for audience. Too soon for audience.
[Short time later]
ANDY: All right, everyone must leave. I'm setting up the performance space.
JOEL: You need a little help there?
ANDY: I'm good. I'm good.
JOEL: Are you sure? I can just grab some of this stuff over here...
ANDY: All audience members, leave the auditorium, please.
ZEEK: Don't worry about it, Andy. I got it. Joel, you can't fool around here. No touch... Don't touch anything. Come on. I got it.
JULIA: Joel, baby, hi, hi. Come here. I got to tell you something.
JULIA: Hey. Pay attention.
JULIA: I just took the test. I'm ovulating.
JOEL: Wait, are you serious?
JULIA: Yes. Oh, yes.
JOEL: Wait. Um...
JULIA: So tonight's the night.
JOEL: Mm. Can right now be the night?
JULIA: Really? Right now?
JOEL: It's a long time before the bug show.
JULIA: We can't do this.
[Short time later as Andy is setting up.]
KRISTINA: Thanks, honey.
ADAM: Are you good?
KRISTINA: I'm good.
ADAM: Do you need anything?
KRISTINA: Just got a little headache. I'm trying to get him moving, so... Hey, Andy.
KRISTINA: Looks great. Everything looks amazing. Listen, a couple of the kids have to leave a little bit early, so I was wondering, I know we said we'd start at 2:00, but is there any way we could start 15 minutes early?
ANDY: We said we'd start at 2:00. It's not 2:00.
KRISTINA: I know. But I
I'm sorry that I've changed things up on you. I just... I really want to show these kids your show 'cause they're so excited to see it.
ANDY: No, I don't want to do that.
KRISTINA: You know what, we don't have to.
GABY: Something I can help you out with?
KRISTINA: I'm just... He... I asked him to start early, and he doesn't want to start early, so... I think I've upset him.
GABY: Let me try. You okay?
KRISTINA: I've just got a headache.
[Crosby is watching.]
GABY: I'm gonna give it a shot. Hey, Andy. I was just wondering if maybe you've ever had to start a party early or late before in the past.
ANDY: Yes, on November 16th, I started a quarter of an hour late because I had to go home and get the centipede I had forgot.
GABY: Oh, really? How'd that turn out? Everything okay?
ANDY: It was okay. It was late.
GABY: Right. But everything was okay. Okay, so what do you say maybe we try that again. Let's start a little bit early, and I bet you it turns out okay just like the last one.
ANDY: But I don't like to do that, because the contract says 2:00.
GABY: Right. Absolutely. But sometimes things change...
ANDY: And I need time to get ready.
GABY: And you have to help people out. Absolutely. I'll let you get ready. What do you say?
GABY: Thank you, Andy. Okay. [To Crosby.] Do I have something on my face?
CROSBY: You rule.
GABY: I rule? Thank you.
GABY: You're pretty cool yourself.
[NEW SCENE - Kristina enters her bedroom and then goes to open the bathroom door.]
KRISTINA: Oh, God.
JULIA: Oh, my God.
JULIA: Kristina, hi. Hi.
KRISTINA: I'm so sorry.
JULIA: I'm sorry. No, I'm ovulating. We're trying to make a baby.
KRISTINA: I understand. It's okay. It's no problem. I just came to get some aspirin. Just keep doing what you're doing. Do you want to use the bed?
JULIA: No. That's okay.
JOEL: That's very generous.
KRISTINA: I'm gonna just go.
JULIA: Okay. Bye.
[NEW SCENE - 1:45, the bug show.]
ANDY: All right, this is the part where you present me to the audience.
ANDY: You have to read this speech.
ANDY: No, read it to me.
ADAM: Okay, all right, "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. It is my deepest pleasure..."
ANDY: That's gonna be good, but you need to be way louder. And you can hold it in one hand, and then your other hand can be like a pointer.
CROSBY: [To Sarah in the audience.] Okay what's the life expectancy of a bug
ANDY: No, I go back there. You go in front.
ADAM: All right. Okay. All right.
SARAH: Oh, here we go.
ADAM: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. It is my deepest pleasure to present a man who knows so much about bugs... Bugs of all kinds. Then it says here this next part is sung to the tune of 'three blind mice'.
ANDY: Keep going.
ADAM: Okay, okay.
ADAM: [Half-singing] Kids, take a seat and be entertained by the Amazing Andy, Amazing Andy now remember your manners and sit very still and please don't clap please don't clap we're going to start right now, right now we're going to start right now start right now start right now.
ADAM: Guys, guys, no clapping.
ANDY: Welcome. I am the amazing Andy. And I want to welcome you to amazing Andy's wonderful world of bugs. When I say the word "bug," you think of something creepy and scary. [Waves a plastic bug around.] Right?
MAX: Ha. [Taking the bug.]
ANDY: I'll have to have that back. It's part of the show.
[The following cuts to many scenes during the show.]
ANDY: I'd like everybody to be very still and quiet.
[Kids talking softly]
ANDY: This is the largest spider in my collection.
[Sarah jokes with Crosby in the audience.]
ANDY: What you may not know is that on your own continent of North America...
MAX: There are over 30 species.
ANDY: There are as many as 30 species.
MAX: And some of them have toxic bites.
ANDY: Exactly. No comments from the audience, please. I hope he doesn't get away and join you in the audience.
CROSBY: [Laughs] Andy.
MAX: I hope he does.
KRISTINA: [To Adam.] How's it going?
ADAM: It's going very well.
ADAM: Amazing Andy is actually...
ANDY: You see, it's much bigger than the cockroaches at your house, which I hope you don't have any.
ADAM: Quite amazing.
MAX: That's the Madagascar hissing cockroach.
ANDY: This is a Madagascar hissing cockroach. When he's threatened, he can squeeze air out through their exoskeleton. It makes a loud...
MAX: Hissing sound.
[The kids gasp.]
MAX: That's not what it sounds like at all. It's more like a...
KRISTINA: This is the best bug show I've ever seen.
[Joel and Julia return from upstairs.]
ANDY: This is a preserved specimen of the Hercules beetle. Have you heard of that? You can tell this is a male, 'cause it has this long horn on the front of it. The Hercules beetle is the strongest creature on earth
ADAM: What's up?
KRISTINA: Nothing. They were just banging in the bathroom.
KRISTINA: Joel and Julia were having sex in our bathroom. Honey, don't. Don't embarrass them.
ANDY: That's the equivalent of a human being lifting up two Sherman tanks up in the air.
KRISTINA: It's kind of exciting, though. I mean, you know, what if a child is conceived on Max's birthday. I think I'll just have a sip of coffee right now. Oh, no! It's not coffee.
ADAM: Mixing up all those ingredients in there...
ADAM: Seeing what comes out.
KRISTINA: One perfect kid.
ANDY: Who wants to shake?
ANDY: How do you do? How do you do? How do you do?
[NEW SCENE - Later Andy it packing up.]
ADAM: Andy. Thank you very much. You really made the party. It was amazing.
ANDY: Bugs are great.
ADAM: Yeah, well, it wasn't just the bugs. You're really good at what you do. It's also great that you are doing something that you love to do.
ADAM: Yeah. Sorry, I'm in your way. Uh... So you really like this? Your job? Your life? What you do? Are you happy?
ANDY: Yeah, sometimes. Are you happy?
ADAM: Yeah. Sometimes. Uh, do you want me to give you a hand?
ANDY: No, I break down by myself.
[NEW SCENE - Night, Outside, Crosby walks Gaby to her car.]
CROSBY: So, as far as bug parties go, where would you rank that one?
GABY: Oh, top ten, easy.
CROSBY: Top ten?
CROSBY: How many bug parties have you been to?
GABY: I've been to quite a few.
CROSBY: Really? That was my first.
GABY: You got to get out more.
CROSBY: I know. I do.
CROSBY: I'm missing all these bug parties.
GABY: You are. [Laughter] Well... I guess I'll see you later.
CROSBY: Good night.
GABY: Good night.
[They look at each other, neither wants to leave.]
[NEW SCENE - Braverman house, Sarah is sitting outside the guest house with a glass of wine. Seeing Seth she puts it down out of sight.]
SETH: Hey. [Sighs] Wow. We have great kids.
SETH: I just... I want to... I just want to thank you for not poisoning the well. That would have been very easy to do, so... Thanks. Okay.
SARAH: You know, um... I actually think it was good... Everything that happened with Drew, the fight, the punch. You know, you with him, he really responds to you. It's really... You mean a lot to him.
SARAH: Amber might take a little longer.
SETH: Yeah. You still write songs now and then?
SARAH: [Laughs] Not really. No. No.
SETH: You should. You're really good at it.
SETH: Okay, thanks. I'll see you.
[Seeing Seth leave Amber joins her mother.]
AMBER: Hey. [Amber sits and they exchange looks for a few moments.] I love you.
SARAH: I love you.
[NEW SCENE - Gaby's bedroom, Crosby with Gaby as they kiss and start to take off each other's clothes.]
2.16 - Amazing Andy & His Wonderful World of Bugs
Original Airdate (NBC) February 15, 2011
Written by Kerry Ehrin
Directed by Lawrence Trilling
Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com
Please Don't Use Without Permission!
This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
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