2.14 - A House Divided
Transcript by Craig Best

This is a Beta copy
please contact me for any corrections or additions

[Opening scene - Braverman house, Zeek's workshop/shed, Adam and Max are visiting. Max is bouncing a basket ball against the wall.]

ZEEK: Hey, Maximo, look at this. [To Adam.] You remember this?

ADAM: Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do.

ZEEK: Your dad caught a trout with this baby on his first camping experience. You ready to catch some fish, Max?

MAX: [Uninterested.] Not really.

ZEEK: Oh, come on, just wait till we get out there. It's gonna be fun. Tell him it's gonna be fun, Adam.

ADAM: Max, it's gonna be fun.

ZEEK: I mean tell him more enthusiastically.

ADAM: It's gonna be fun, Max.

ZEEK: Yeah, it's gonna be fun. It's part of the whole Braverman male-bonding camping experience. You know, we get to catch our... Catch our dinner and cook it on a fire and sleep under the stars. Huh? You ready to do some bonding, Max?

MAX: [Still bouncing the ball and Uninterested.] Uh-huh.

ZEEK: It's gonna be one of the five best moments of your life, grandson.

ADAM: Yep.

MAX: You know, grandma's making her waffles with the chocolate chips, so I'm gonna go inside.

ADAM: All right, go ahead. Listen, dad, about the fishing... I just want you to understand, you know, it's a long time for him to be sitting down and waiting, and Max likes things to happen right away.

ZEEK: Oh, he's gonna be fine, son. He's gonna be fine. You and Kristina... You worry too much.

ADAM: Listen, dad, we just... We just want you to have a successful trip, okay So that's... Why Kristina put this together for you. If you could just give it a read.

ZEEK: Now, what the hell is this?

ADAM: It's just a set of, you know, guidelines to help you and Max have a successful trip.

ZEEK: Oh, now, I don't need an instruction manual to take my grandson camping for one night, son.

ADAM: Actually, you do.

ZEEK: Huh.

ADAM: Okay?

ZEEK: Well, worry not, my son.

ADAM: [To himself.] Worry I will, my father.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby and Jasmine in their living room. Jasmine hand Crosby a fancy embossed invitation.]

CROSBY: Oh, boy. This is worse than I thought.


CROSBY: Oh, my God, it's scented.

JASMINE: Yeah. [Laughing.]

CROSBY: Oh, boy.

JASMINE: Oh! Julia.

CROSBY: Well, congratulations.

JASMINE: She's such a sweetheart for throwing me an engagement party.


JASMINE: But I have to admit, she kind of scares me a little bit.

CROSBY: Oh, Julia scares you.


CROSBY: I've never heard that before.

JASMINE: [Reading the invitation.] "Passed hors d'oeuvres, formal dinner, party games"? Embossed invitation? There's only gonna be, like, five people there. I mean, isn't this a bit much? I mean, I'm appreciative for her doing this for me, but I'm fine with pizza. I'm simple.


JASMINE: I don't need a big to-do.

CROSBY: You understand this party isn't about you, right?

JASMINE: Yeah, it is. It's the braver-women inviting me into their tribe.

CROSBY: No, no, this... This party's about Julia proving something.

JASMINE: Proving what?

CROSBY: Well, that's not clear just yet, but believe me, she's out to prove something.

[NEW SCENE - Night, Adam driving his car with Kristina.]

KRISTINA: Enough is enough, right? It's been two days, and I want her home. This is ridiculous.

ADAM: Yeah. But we can't just drag her home.

KRISTINA: Why not?

ADAM: 'Cause she'll just leave again.

KRISTINA: I'm sure your mom's having one big party over there.

ADAM: Kristina, come on, you know, my mom's not on Haddie's side here.

KRISTINA: Oh, yes, she is. She really is.

ADAM: Look, Kristina, I just... I don't want to show up there and make things worse by forcing the issue. That's all I'm saying.

KRISTINA: Okay, well, she's 16. She's our daughter, and I want her home.

ADAM: All right.

[NEW SCENE - Adam and Kristina at the Braverman front door, they ring the bell.]

CAMILLE: [Smiling.] What's with the doorbell? Come on in.

ADAM: Uh, thanks, but we're, uh... We're here to talk to Haddie, privately, if you wouldn't mind.

CAMILLE: Sure, I'll get her.

ADAM: Thanks, mom.

KRISTINA: Thank you. [After Camille leaves.] Awkward.

[Zeek walk by and they exchange looks but don't talk as he walks off Haddie appears.]

ADAM: Hey.


KRISTINA: Can we talk to you?

ADAM: Privately, outside?


[Moments later in the graden.]

KRISTINA: We want you to come home.

HADDIE: Well, you know my condition.

KRISTINA: Oh my god…

ADAM: Haddie, come on, we're your parents, okay? We're not here to negotiate.

KRISTINA: Absolutely not.

HADDIE: Well, I'm not gonna come home until I can see Alex.

ADAM: Haddie, I know that you think you're an adult and you can make up your own mind about things. But you're not. You're 16. And you live in our house.

KRISTINA: Absolutely.

ADAM: Well, not right now. That's why I'm not there.

KRISTINA: You're acting like a baby. You're not gonna date Alex acting like this. This is ridiculous.


ADAM: Yeah?

HADDIE: Is this the way that you feel after Alex went to talk to you?

ADAM: I like Alex, okay? I don't think it's an appropriate relationship for you, and I think that staying here is a stunt.

HADDIE: Why don't we have a conversation about what it is that makes you uncomfortable about Alex?

ADAM: We had a conversation about what makes us uncomfortable about Alex.

HADDIE: But we can get past it if you just talk about it and don't just...

KRISTINA: You're 16 years old. You're a junior in high school. He's 19. He lives in an apartment.

HADDIE: What about him being black?

ADAM: That has nothing to do with it, okay? Please don't ever bring that up again.

KRISTINA: We're not racist, okay?

HADDIE: Well, then...

KRISTINA: You're 16. He's 19, okay?

HADDIE: I mean, I've heard this before.

KRISTINA: He lives alone in an apartment. He's an alcoholic, and you're not an alcoholic.

HADDIE: Stop saying things that are just wrong with him. This is somebody that I care about that I want to be with.

KRISTINA: You want to be with him?


KRISTINA: More than you want to be with us?


KRISTINA: There's nothing else to say.

HADDIE: I agree. Excuse me.

[Opening credits - featuring “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan]

[NEW SCENE - T&S, Adam's office.]

ADAM: Performance... excellent. Friendliness... great. Productivity... excellent. Timeliness... sporadic.

SARAH: Sporadic?

ADAM: What?

SARAH: But I'm almost always on time, and…

ADAM: Almost always is not always on time. Listen, Sarah, you're the one who requested a performance review, which we don't normally do for interns.

SARAH: No, I know, but I need a good performance review. I'm trying to get a raise here, you know. Do you have any idea how much Berkeley costs a year?

ADAM: Yeah, it's like 25 grand a year with room and board.

SARAH: Okay, you know how much of that I have saved for Amber's college education?

ADAM: Listen, Sarah, I had to fire a quarter of the workforce here.

SARAH: I know, but... Shouldn't those of us who made the cut be celebrated? Too soon?

ADAM: Yeah. Listen, Sarah, even if we could give you a raise, which we can't, I'm in bizarro-land with this guy here, okay? I mean, my plate is full enough trying to keep boy blunder from sinking the ship.

SARAH: What is he doing? [Seeing Cory writing on the class window in his office.]

ADAM: I don't know.

SARAH: What is he... [Cory makes a hand signal.] Oh, hey. What is that? Is that "rock on"?

ADAM: This is "hang loose." That's "rock on."


[NEW SCENE - Joel watching Julia prepare for the party.]

JULIA: Okay, you know what? You and Adam and Crosby can stay out drinking till after midnight. You know, have fun, 'cause the girls are gonna be having fun...

JOEL: If we must.

JULIA: Here.

JOEL: Uh-huh.

JULIA: Oh, gosh, this is so important to me.

JOEL: Clearly. We still got two days, hon.

JULIA: I just... I want it to be awesome.

JOEL: It will be, honey.

JULIA: I know. I just... I want them to leave and say, "I can't believe I ever thought that it was not gonna be fun at Julia's."

JOEL: I'm sure they don't think that.

JULIA: I know. I'm sure they don't. And yet, they go to mom and dad's, and they go to Adam and Kristina's, and they don't come here.

JOEL: Well, it's probably 'cause we're kind of out of the way.

JULIA: No, let's be honest. They need to know that it's fun here.

JOEL: It is fun here.

JULIA: It's fun here.

JOEL: It's tons of fun here.

JULIA: It is.

JOEL: You, me, a six-year-old.

JULIA: I have hors d'oeuvres for the living room and then a sit-down dinner.

JOEL: You do.

JULIA: And then I have party games.

JOEL: Oh re... Party games?

JULIA: Mm-hmm.

JOEL: You don't think that sounds a little, uh...?

JULIA: What?

JOEL: Uh, just planned.

JULIA: It won't feel planned. It's gonna... It's gonna flow nicely and feel very natural and fun.

JOEL: Yeah.

JULIA: And a good party needs structure.


JULIA: Yeah.

JOEL: Okay. Yeah.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman house, Camille is reading when she notices Kristina at the front door.]

CAMILLE: Kristina. Hi.

KRISTINA: Oh, hey. Um, can I come in?

CAMILLE: Of course.

KRISTINA: Thank you. I just, um... I wanted to drop off some clothes for Haddie.


KRISTINA: Yeah. I'm sure she's borrowing all of Amber's.

CAMILLE: Good idea. She'll be happy to see those.

KRISTINA: Yeah. I also want to give you, um, some money.

CAMILLE: Oh, no, no.

KRISTINA: I'm sure she's been eating you out of house and home.


KRISTINA: So just a couple bucks.

CAMILLE: No, I'm not taking it. But could we talk just for a minute?

KRISTINA: Yeah, sure.

CAMILLE: We're both on the same side here, you know. Right? We both just want what's best for Haddie.

KRISTINA: I know. I, I do. We both do. I'm just... I'm upset at her, and I'm taking it out on you, and I don't mean to. I don't.

CAMILLE: It's okay, really.


CAMILLE: Don't worry about it.


CAMILLE: I just think that you might be choosing the wrong battle here.

KRISTINA: Okay, Camille, I don't want to get into this again.

CAMILLE: Well, I just don't think it's gonna do any good to tell Haddie that she can't see Alex, you know.

KRISTINA: Oh, okay.

CAMILLE: She's falling in love with him. That's what's happening. I mean, you can like it or not, but you can't tell her to not feel what she's feeling.

KRISTINA: Mm-hmm. Camille, thank you so much, okay? But I've got it covered.


KRISTINA: Okay? So please make sure she gets those clothes and... [She leaves the house.]

[NEW SCENE - Night, Adam and Kristina's bedroom. Adam is working on his laptop and Kristina is in the adjoining bathroom.]

KRISTINA: Your mother can be so condescending.

ADAM: I know how my mother can be, Kristina. Thank you.

KRISTINA: I mean, whose side is she on, you know? It's like, help us out here, Camille.

ADAM: I don't think there are any sides here, Kristina. I think that my mother is just trying to be supportive of her granddaughter.


ADAM: And she knows Alex well…

KATIE: Realy.

ADAM: …from working at the soup kitchen, so maybe she has a valid point of view.

KRISTINA: I know that she knows Alex, okay? But I know that he's an alcoholic, okay? And he's 19, and he lives by himself.

ADAM: Yeah, I know he's an alcoholic too, and I know he has his own apartment. We've been through all this, okay? We've been through our list of pros and cons on the list that we made, you know.

KRISTINA: I understand that. What are you saying?

ADAM: Maybe we made a mistake.

KRISTINA: Okay, go on. Go ahead.

ADAM: I like him.

KRISTINA: You like him?

ADAM: Yeah.

KRISTINA: That's great. You spend ten minutes with him at your office. He comes by, and now you like him. This doesn't make any sense to me.

ADAM: Kristina, I don't want to have an argument, okay?

KRISTINA: I'm not having an argument, okay?

ADAM: I'm just saying, he has integrity. He's polite. He's smart. He's honest. I like him.

KRISTINA: That's amazing. Maybe you guys can be pals. Maybe you can be friends and hang out...

ADAM: Kristina. I feel like we made this decision, and now we've just got our heels dug in. We're trying to save face, and I think we're making a mistake, okay?

KRISTINA: You're wrong. I know where this is headed, honey. They're at two different stages in their lives right now, okay? She's gonna start spending the night, okay? She's gonna start sleeping over there. She's gonna start having sex with him, and we're gonna lose her to this guy that we don't even really know.

ADAM: Gonna start having sex? Kristina, you got to wake up here, okay? Exactly what you're afraid of is what's gonna happen. We're gonna lose her. We just lost her for three or four days over at my parents' house.


ADAM: There's no telling what's gonna happen when she turns 18.

KRISTINA: You're right. We can lose her. [She slams the bathroom door shut.]

[NEW SCENE - T&S, Adams office. Sarah knocks on the door.]

ADAM: Hey.

SARAH: Hi. Want one of these?

ADAM: Yeah.

SARAH: I have one that says "Adam." Do you want that one?

ADAM: Yeah, I do. It's got my name on it.

SARAH: She got off to school okay this morning, just so you know.

ADAM: I wasn't worried.

SARAH: All right.

ADAM: How'd she seem?

SARAH: Like a teenager.

ADAM: Really?

SARAH: Yeah.

ADAM: That's disturbing.

SARAH: I know. Adam, don't worry, you know. Think of how many times I disappeared, I mean... Well, don't think about that.

ADAM: Yeah. I don't want to think about that.

SARAH: Is there anything I can do?

ADAM: I don't know. Just don't make it too comfortable for her.

SARAH: Oh, God, no. Got her sleeping in a room with Amber. No one can survive that.

ADAM: Yeah.

SARAH: It's what we get for raising strong, independent girls.

ADAM: So it's our fault?

SARAH: Oh, yeah. Should have crushed their spirits while we had the chance.

ADAM: Ah, blew it. We're bad parents.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman house, Amber's bedroom.]

AMBER: Here.

HADDIE: Huh? Oh, you don't have to do that.

AMBER: I have a drawer all cleared out for you.

HADDIE: No you don't have to…

AMBER: It's cool. Look, I got all this room. Besides, now I can steal your sweaters, like this one.

[Haddie starts unpacking her suitcase.]

HADDIE: I love that sweater.

AMBER: Me too. So... Obviously, having you here is the happiest thing that's ever happened to me in my whole life, but I'm just curious. How long do you think it's actually gonna be till you go back?

HADDIE: I mean, until my parents change their minds about Alex.

AMBER: Okay. And are you gonna be, like, seeing Alex during this time or...?

HADDIE: Well, he won't see me until they do change their minds, so...

AMBER: So you're not talking to your parents for a guy that won't talk to you.

HADDIE: I know.

AMBER: Okay, it's not great. Well... [Looking in the suit case.] Oh, no.



HADDIE: It's so manipulative.

AMBER: It's so manipulative.

HADDIE: But it's also kind of sweet. They're pretty cool.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby at home looking through a hamper of junk.]

CROSBY: I don't know, dad. I don't think it's... Ooh! Ah! Ha ha ha. This it?

ZEEK: No. That's the last time I lend my Coleman stove to anybody.


ZEEK: Hey. Oh... [They hug.] The future Mrs. Braverman.

JASMINE: So I hear you're taking Max camping.

ZEEK: Yes, I am. And Jabbar's gonna be next.

JASMINE: What about Sydney?

ZEEK: No, Sydney is a girl.

JASMINE: What? Girls don't camp?

ZEEK: No, honey, see this is a male-bonding thing. It's traditional. This, like, goes back to the original Braverman hunter-gatherers.

JASMINE: That is sexist and absurd.

ZEEK: Yes, it is... Indeed.

CROSBY: Well... Luckily, we had a boy, so...

JASMINE: Okay, on that note, I'm gonna leave now and go teach my class.


JASMINE: And I'm gonna leave you cavemen to it. Bye.


JASMINE: Well, I love a woman that speaks her mind.

CROSBY: Mm-hmm.

ZEEK: Sonny, she is a keeper.

CROSBY: Well, thank you. So, dad... You're 100% on this Max camping trip?

ZEEK: Oh, wait a minute. You're not gonna lecture me about this Asperger's thing too, are you?

CROSBY: Well, have you seen Max have a full-fledged meltdown?

ZEEK: How much worse could it be than yours?

CROSBY: I didn't have tantrums.

ZEEK: Well, you were a terror, Crosby.

CROSBY: No, you have me confused with one of your other kids.

ZEEK: Maybe it was Sarah.

CROSBY: Uh-huh.

ZEEK: Yeah.

CROSBY: Listen, dad, what I'm trying to tell you is this is a totally different ball game.

[NEW SCENE - T&S, Cory's office, Sarah knocks before entering.]

SARAH: Excuse me, Cory? Do you have a minute?

CORY: Uh...

SARAH: Just really quick. Um, I just wanted to give you this. It's an evaluation of me. And... do you mind? [She sits.]

CORY: Please.

SARAH: Um, I just wanted to educate you about, you know… who I am.

CORY: Okay.

SARAH: And I guess what I'm here to do is to ask you for a raise… Let me just tell you, um... I mean, I've been an intern for a while, and, um, also my daughter's applying to college, and it's really expensive.

CORY: I totally get that you need to pay for your daughter's education.

SARAH: Thank you. Oh, my God, because...

CORY: But I don't think so.

SARAH: You... no, so just you don't think...

CORY: It's just not the right time.

SARAH: When is the right time?

CORY: I honestly don't know.

SARAH: Uh, okay. Um, well... It's just that, uh, you know, I'm just an intern here, and if I'm not gonna advance or make any money, you know, what am I doing here?

CORY: What are you doing here?

SARAH: Oh, well, I designed this shoe, see, that clicked... It didn't work. But, um, I thought, you know, I would try this kind of design out and, you know, see if it... if I... If it was a good fit.

CORY: Was it?

SARAH: Yeah, I mean, you know, it's not everything I want, but, um...

CORY: Well, what do you want?

SARAH: In life?

CORY: Yeah.

SARAH: Well, I don't know. I mean, I want to make money doing something I love.

CORY: You totally should.

SARAH: Yeah, I totally should. But you can't just go doing, you know, what you want to do.

CORY: Why not?

SARAH: Well, I mean, I've tried that, and I haven't... you know, I haven't found the... You know, I haven't found it yet, so...

CROSBY: Okay. Okay.

SARAH: But... so, okay. But so it's not here is what you're saying.

CORY: Maybe not.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman yard, Adam pulls his car into the drive.]

KRISTINA: Okay, Max, you ready?

MAX: No. I don't want to do this. I'm not excited about it.

KRISTINA: It's gonna be really exciting.

MAX: No, it's not gonna be really exciting.

KRISTINA: Yes, it is.

MAX: Stop telling it's going to be exciting.

KRISTINA: It's gonna be so much fun.

MAX: No, it's not. It's not gonna be any fun.

KRISTINA: I promise you.

ZEEK: Hey, hey!

MAX: Can I look for bugs now?

ZEEK: Okay, Max, you ready for the camping trip?

KRISTINA: Yes, he is.

MAX: Yeah.

KRISTINA: It's gonna be great.

ZEEK: That-a-boy. Hey, Kristina, I want you to know something.


ZEEK: I read the instruction manual cover to cover.

KRISTINA: Okay, good.

ZEEK: I am now in the know.

KRISTINA: Okay, that's excellent. What about his meals? How are you planning on dealing with meals?

ZEEK: The meals are gonna be fish for dinner and probably steak and eggs for breakfast.

KRISTINA: Yeah, no, the fish he won't do. He won't do the fish, and steak he will only do really well done. If it's pink, he's not gonna eat it, and the eggs... They can only be cooked in the orange frying pan at home.

ZEEK: Yeah.

KRISTINA: This was all on the... Instruction manual.

ZEEK: Okay, well, see, Kristina, let me tell you something.

KRISTINA: I'm just…

ZEEK: When men go into the woods, things happen. You know. We go into a survival mode. We're gonna be just fine.


ZEEK: Don't you worry.

KRISTINA: That's the... [Zeek's cell phone rings.]

ZEEK: Aw, man.


ZEEK: [Answering the call.] Hello?

ADAM: Hey, dad, did you remember to bring those bug books that I gave you for Max so he can have some time to himself to read?

ZEEK: [Looking at Adam in disbelief he closes his phone.] Hey, son, let me tell you something.

ADAM: What?

ZEEK: You and your wife are insane.

ADAM: Well, do you have them or not?

ZEEK: Yeah, I got the bug books.

ADAM: You do?

CAMILLE: Hey, Max. All set for your big adventure?

HADDIE: Max, get up. Listen to me.

CAMILLE: Hi, Kristina.

KRISTINA: Hey, Camille.

HADDIE: [To Max.] Hey, listen to me. I want you to have a good time, okay? Because grandpa never took me camping, so appreciate it, okay? Okay. [They do some kind of secret brother/sister handshake.] There we go.

MAX: Pshew! I don't want to go. You go.

ZEEK: Come on, Max. Come on.

[Max goes and gets in Zeek's Truck.]

ADAM: Hey.



ADAM: Everything all right?


ADAM: Need anything?


ADAM: Your brother misses you.

HADDIE: Thanks for all the clothes.

ADAM: [To Camille.] She okay?

CAMILLE: [Giving Adam the thumb's up.]

ADAM: Okay.

KRISTINA: Bye, buddy. Aww.

ZEEK: [Starting the truck.] Adios, amigos!

ADAM: Okay, have fun. Just drive safely, all right, pop?

KRISTINA: [Sounding worried.] Bye.

[Zeek gun's it, making the tyres screech, he runs over the gutter as he leaves the gate.]

HADDIE: Oh, my God.

CAMILLE: [Grits her teeth.]

KRISTINA: Oh, dear God.

HADDIE: [To her parents.] Bye.

[NEW SCENE - Evening, Adam and Kristina's bedroom. Adam is putting on his shoes, Kristina is still in her robe.]


ADAM: Are you alright?

KRISTINA: I don't know, honey. Something just came over me. I'm like... Can you feel my forehead...

ADAM: Yeah.

KRISTINA: Just for a second? Like, I'm... It's all pain.

ADAM: Let's see.

KRISTINA: Like, right here.

ADAM: Oh, yeah. Ooh, I don't want to get too close, 'cause you've definitely got a bad case of "I don't want to go to this party-itis." A severe case.

KRISTINA: Okay, you know what?

ADAM: What?

KRISTINA: I don't want to go. I can't go there and act like everything's okay. Okay? Julia will understand. It's fine.

ADAM: Oh, yeah. Come on, I mean, it's Julia. I mean, she's the most easygoing person in the world.

KRISTINA: Honey, Haddie looked so happy.

ADAM: Yeah. [His cell phone rings.] Hold on.

KRISTINA: Who is that?

ADAM: Hey. Hello?


ADAM: What's up?

KRISTINA: Is Max okay?

ADAM: Yeah.

KRISTINA: Is it Julia? The party's canceled, isn't it?

ADAM: No, I get it, I think.

KRISTINA: I bet the party's canceled. I don't have to go.

ADAM: Okay, all right. No, it's not a problem. I will be there as soon as I can, okay? All right, bye.

KRISTINA: Who was that?

ADAM: That was Cory from work. He wants me to come to the office immediately.

KRISTINA: It's Saturday. Why are you...

ADAM: Yeah, I know. Because he says he's figured it all out.

KRISTINA: Figured what out?

ADAM: Shoes.

[NEW SCENE - Campsite next to a lake.]

ZEEK: Hey, Max, come here and help me set up the tent, will you? And then we can go fishing.

MAX: You said we could look for bugs.

ZEEK: Yeah, but I think we should get the camp ready while we still have light here, grandson.

MAX: I want to look for bugs now, though.

ZEEK: Well, Maximo, I could really use your help over here. Come on, now. We're a team.

MAX: If we're a team, then how about we look for bugs first, then set up the tent?

[NEW SCENE - Engagement party at Julia's house, the ladies are in the kitchen.]

SARAH: Why can't we eat anything?

JULIA: Because I'm sure she'll be here any minute, and then she gets to see...

SARAH: We can't eat that?

JULIA: How beautifully it's all presented.

SARAH: What about that?

CAMILLE: Not getting anything yet.

KRISTINA: Jules, can I get a little more?

JULIA: Yeah. Is it minty enough?

KRISTINA: It's delicious.

SARAH: Did Crosby tell you about all her food allergies and stuff?

JULIA: What?

SARAH: Dairy, nuts, shellfish.

JULIA: Are you kidding? I made... Okay, I made crab cakes.

SARAH: Lemons, limes.

JULIA: That's everything. That's dairy. She's got something, I think.

SARAH: It's just so easy. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

JULIA: You're a bad, bad person.

SARAH: It looks really good. I can't wait to eat.

JULIA: Yeah, it's delicious. I don't deserve that. Is it always like this? Am I always that gullible? It's just like...

SARAH: [To Kristina.] Haddie's doing well, you know, so don't worry. I know it's crazy, but she's doing great.

KRISTINA: Thanks. Thanks for, um, you know, looking out for her. Appreciate it.

SARAH: I've been there.


CAMILLE: You know, if I told you how many times this one here ran away from home...


CAMILLE: You wouldn't believe it.

JULIA: Not this one.

SARAH: Not that one, this one.

CAMILLE: You managed somehow to make me feel like a really rotten mother, you know?

SARAH: Sorry.

KRISTINA: Well, I don't really feel like a rotten mother, but sorry you felt like that.

CAMILLE: I didn't mean you. I was talking about me.

KRISTINA: Mm. Can we just talk about something different, you know? I'd kind of like to take the night off from thinking about my teenage daughter and her problems.

SARAH: Let's not talk about any kids at all.

JULIA: Absolutely. This is carefree night. [The doorbell rings, she starts making her way to answer it.] This is ladies' night. We're gonna have girls' night. Let's make...

JASMINE: Hello, hello!


JASMINE: Hey, ladies.

JULIA: There she is, the bride-to-be!

JASMINE: Of course, the lady of the hour.

SARAH: Hello!

JASMINE: Hello. Everyone looks gorgeous.

JULIA: Okay, so the bride-to-be has to wear this!

JASMINE: Oh, wow.

JULIA: It's your party!

JASMINE: I'll just put it... Uh, I need a mirror to put it on.

SARAH: After you have a drink.

JASMINE: And a drink.

JULIA: A drink.

JASMINE: Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

JULIA: I made Mojitos.

KRISTINA: And they're good.

JULIA: They are good, right?


JULIA: [Off Screen.] We also have red wine, white wine.

[There is a awkward pause as Camille and Kristina are left along as the others go back to the kitchen.]

KRISTINA: Oh, I'm coming.

SARAH: Okay, do you want a Mojito?

[NEW SCENE - T&S Adam knocks on Cory's office door.

CORY: Hey.

ADAM: Hey. You wanted to talk to me?

CORY: I figured it out.

ADAM: You figured what out... Cold fusion?

CROSBY: No. I figured out what to do with the company.

ADAM: Oh, okay. What, uh... What's, uh... what's all this?

CORY: All right, check it out. This is where we started. One store on university Avenue with one shoe... One brilliant, brilliant design.

ADAM: Yeah, I know, I was there.

CORY: I know you were, man. I know you were. And then we expanded. Two stores, three stores.

ADAM: Yep.

CORY: Then we started selling to chain stores.


CORY: Then there's the online store, right?

ADAM: Okay.

CORY: The T&S Cross-Trainer.

ADAM: Yeah.

CORY: The T&S Air Walker.

ADAM: Yeah, well, you know, we were diversifying the product line at the time.

CROSBY: And we wiped out, dude.

ADAM: It was a big seller.

CROSBY: Who cares? We lost the magic. Gimmicks, man... Gimmicks, they're just... Oh, I can't stand them. When I bought my first pair of T&S shoes, I was like, "Yes, this is me. This is who I am." And look at us now. Look at what we've become... Just gimmicks...

ADAM: Uh-huh.

CORY: And clutter.

ADAM: Okay.

CORY: We totally lost our way, man. Mmm. Edible? [Handing one to Adam.]

ADAM: Okay, thank you. [He opens it and starts sucking on the candy.]

CORY: In 1999, I bought my first pair of T&S Surf-Riders, the best damn sandal ever made, man.

ADAM: Agreed. That was a great shoe.

CORY: It was a great shoe. One shoe... One shoe, dude... That is our mission.

ADAM: Mm-hmm.

ADAM: Well, you know, Cory, that's just not the way this business really works anymore.

CORY: Exactly. It's what made T&S great. It'll be what makes it great again.

[NEW SCENE - Engagement Party.]

CAMILLE: Something to think about.

SARAH: I know.

JASMINE: By the time Jabbar goes to college, who knows how expensive it'll be?

SARAH: Oh, that's what I'm dealing with right now. I quit my job with Adam because I make more in tips at the bar. It's not my dream, but what are you gonna do?

CAMILLE: Well, now you have time to pursue your dream.

SARAH: Oh, okay, mom…

JULIA: [Coming down the stairs.] Okay.

SARAH: I'll do that between shifts.

JULIA: I was thinking before dessert and before we open your presents, we would play this game. "Table topics... Questions to start great conversations." So let's go to the table.

SARAH: Wait, we're at the table, and we have topics.

JULIA: Yes, but we're done with dinner, and we're gonna go to that table.


KRISTINA: We're having a conversation.

JULIA: And this is gonna be another different, fun conversation.

SARAH: Oh! A different, fun one, okay. Come on, let's go.

JASMINE: It will be fun.

JULIA: Oh, my goodness.

SARAH: "Table topics." Can't wait.

KRISTINA: Uh, hey, Jules, you know what? I'm actually gonna head out. I've... I'm...

JULIA: Oh, Kristina.

KRISTINA: I'm so tired. I've had just a really long week, and I'm...

JULIA: I'm sorry. You're missing dessert.

KRISTINA: I know. Save me some.

CAMILLE: [To Julia.] Let her go. She has a lot on her mind.

KRISTINA: I'm sorry. What, Camille? I... Did you say something? 'Cause I'm...

CAMILLE: I just said you have a lot on your mind, and if you want to go, you should be able to go.

KRISTINA: Thank you. Dinner was delicious. I'll see ya.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby and Joel playing a computer game, with music and fried chicken.]

CROSBY: No, you got to go in that half-pipe.

JOEL: Yeah I know.

CROSBY: You got to go in from the top.

JOEL: Yeah, I saw the barrel.

CROSBY: If you go over... [The doorbell rings.] Hit pause. If you Ollie it, you get extra points.

ADAM: [Talking fast and sounding different than normal, he is still sucking on the Edible.] Hey, sorry I'm late. I just got called into the office. It was a total ambush. It was unbelievable. But it was pretty mind-blowing too, because you remember that boss that I have who I think is an idiot, but he... You don't remember that guy? Well, he's not an idiot. I mean, he is, but he's not. He's got all these wacked-out charts and mumbo jumbo drawn all over his office walls. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever until, bam, it hits me like a rainbow. You know? You know how you always think the grass is greener, but you get there, and it's not? Well, he's right. He's right.

CROSBY: [Knowing something is wrong.] Hit you like a rainbow?

ADAM: Yeah, he's right. The grass is greener when we get back to basics at T&S, okay? Although one shoe, which is what he wants to do, that's insane. That in-sane... One shoe. But we do have to get back to the core, you know, of what T&S is, you know what I'm saying?

CROSBY: Let me take a look at your eyes.

ADAM: Ow, God!

CROSBY: Double rainbow, let me look at your eyes.

ADAM: What are you doing to my face?

CROSBY: What have you consumed? You're... You're wasted, right?

ADAM: No, I'm not.

CROSBY: Listen, you're... Are you stoned?

ADAM: Come on, please, Crosby. Is it... What is that? Can I have that?

CROSBY: Hey! Where did you get this?

ADAM: My boss gave it to me.

CROSBY: Your boss gave you this?

ADAM: Yeah.

CROSBY: Your boss gave you a lollipop.

ADAM: Yeah, it's tangerine.

CROSBY: [To Joel.] You see this?

ADAM: It's tangerine. Joel, taste it. It's tangerine.

JOEL: I'm not gonna taste it.

CROSBY: Adam, do you know what an edible is?

ADAM: I know what an edible complex is. [The laugh.] Joel got it.

CROSBY: You don't even... You're... Buddy, you're... You're high.

JOEL: Edible marijuana... That's what this is.

CROSBY: This is medicinal marijuana, and I don't think you...

ADAM: He drugged me?


ADAM: Seriously, he slipped me a Mickey? I'm high.

CROSBY: You're high.

[Adam starts laughing again.]

[NEW SCENE - Night, outside Julia's house, Kristina is sitting on the steps when Camille comes out the front door and sits next to her.]

KRISTINA: Why am I the only one that thinks that this is an accident waiting to happen? You don't. Adam doesn't. Haddie definitely doesn't. I just know in my gut, Camille, that I'm right about this. I just do. I just...

[Camille pulls Kristina close for her to cry on her shoulder.]

[NEW SCENE - Campsite, they are resting on their sleeping bags.]

ZEEK: Well I bought Adam up here then Crosby, Drew and now you, grandson. And every time I'm up here, it's just so beautiful. I wish that my life had that kind of clarity. When I got back from Vietnam, my life was a mess. I was a mess. Your grandmother... She hung in there, though. She just loved me, and... She wouldn't let me go. I think she saved my life.

MAX: Have we done everything we're supposed to do?

ZEEK: We haven't had our hot chocolate yet.

MAX: You said if I wasn't having a good time, I could go home.

ZEEK: You're not having a good time?

MAX: No.

ZEEK: That's probably my fault. I talk too much.

MAX: I just really want to go home.

ZEEK: Well, we got to finish the marshmallows, and we're gonna count the stars.

MAX: I'm done with the marshmallows.

ZEEK: What about counting the stars?

MAX: [Shouting.] I just want to go home! Now! I want to go home. I want to go home.

ZEEK: Hey, Max.

MAX: [Having an Aspersers tantrum.] I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home!

ZEEK: Max!

MAX: [Kicking the ground.] I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home!

[Zeek looks on worried.]

[NEW SCENE - Engagement party.]

JULIA: What historical time period would you love to live in? That one's so boring.

SARAH: Anything the doesn't have, anything that doesn't have dirty old cloth seats.

JULIA: A step up. Let's...

CAMILLE: We're back.



CAMILLE: Got room for two more in the game?

KRISTINA: Hi. I'm so sorry that I ruined your party. I hope I didn't ruin it.

JASMINE: You didn't ruin anything, girl. Sit down.

KRISTINA: Can I play?

JULIA: Have a seat! We've been having fun. Okay, here's the next question. Ready? If you could bring one fashion accessory to a desert island, what would it be?

SARAH: A phone to call somebody to get me off the desert island.

CAMILLE: Why would you need a fashion accessory on a desert island?

JULIA: I don't know.

KRISTINA: I'd bring a six-pack.

JASMINE: I'm gonna do an eyelash curler.

JULIA: See, eyelash curler. Jasmine's playing the game. An eyelash curler.

JOEL: [Entering the room.] Uh, hey, ladies.

CAMILLE: Hey, the boys are here.

JOEL: Hey, uh...

JULIA: What are you doing here? You can't be here.

JOEL: I know we can't, but...

JULIA: Well, babe. What is happening?

KRISTINA: [To Adam.] You okay?



JULIA: Oh, God, can you get them out of here, please?

KRISTINA: Is everything okay?

JOEL: You look beautiful.

JULIA: Thank you.

KRISTINA: Honey, what's wrong? Why are you...

ADAM: [Feeding his face.] Nothin'.

JULIA: This is not supposed to happen right now.

ADAM: Everything is not all right.

KRISTINA: It's not all right?

ADAM: It's not. I mean, everybody's fine...


ADAM: As in safe. Just hold me.

KRISTINA: Honey, what's wrong?

ADAM: Just for a second.

KRISTINA: Are you okay? Is he okay?

ADAM: [Seeing more food.] Ohh!

CROSBY: He's fine. He's beyond fine.

JULIA: Adam!

KRISTINA: I'm so confused and scared at the same time.

JULIA: Okay, that's for the guests of the party.

ADAM: I'm just hungry, Julia. Sorry. [Looking at Kristina.] Honey, I'm scared.

KRISTINA: Of what? Of us just splitting apart at the seams. We've never disagreed about anything like this before.

CROSBY: He... he's a little more paranoid than normal.

JOEL: Yeah.


CROSBY: Because he's... he's baked.

ADAM: 'Cause I'm baked.

KRISTINA: You're stoned?

SARAH: [Laughs and points.]

KRISTINA: I feel like I'm on grass.

ADAM: My boss drugged me.


ADAM: My boss drugged me.

SARAH: I'm not surprised.

ADAM: And I wanted to see you. So then my friends brought me here. I mean, they're my brother and my brother-in-law.

CROSBY: That's so flattering.

CAMILLE: That's so sweet.

ADAM: Julia, these are really good.

JULIA: Oh, thank you.

ADAM: Do you have any more?

JULIA: No, I don't.

ADAM: These are delish!

ADAM: Come on, Julia! Did you make them?


ADAM: You're a good cook.

SARAH: In the kitchen.

ADAM: Ah, the kitchen!

JULIA: Whoo!

SARAH: Awesome!


CROSBY: Hi. How's your party?

JASMINE: Fabulous.

ADAM: Ohh!

JULIA: Okay, no. Oh, Adam, no, that's not for you!

ADAM: Oh! You guys, these crab cakes are orgasmic.

JULIA: Thank you. I worked really hard on those, but...

ADAM: Hey, Tory...

SARAH: Cory.

ADAM: Cory told me you quit.

SARAH: Ugh. I... yeah.

ADAM: I just want you to know that I support whatever you choose to do next, 'cause you are like the great wandering Braverman, and I love you, okay?

SARAH: Thanks.

ADAM: Who wants pizza?

JULIA: Okay, why don't you guys take Adam home and order some pizza? Because if you happened to read the embossed invitation, this is... this is a female-only evening. This event is girls only.

SARAH: Julia, look at him.

ADAM: Julia, I am never leaving this kitchen.

CROSBY: Me either.

ADAM: I am hungry, and this is the best food ever.

CROSBY: Uh-oh! Braverman favorite pastime!

JULIA: It's time to open presents.

SARAH: Oh, no! Oh, Chippendales. Oh, no, be my boyfriend, mom, let's go.

KRISTINA: This is so weird.

SARAH: Get it.

JULIA: Are you...

KRISTINA: I'm not dancing. Here you go. You are so weird. Who are you?

SARAH: Princess Leia.

ADAM: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! My crotch is vibrating.

KRISTINA: Honey, it's your phone.

ADAM: Honey.

KRISTINA: There's nothing vibrating here.

ADAM: I got... I got it.

KRISTINA: Ay, yi, yi.

ADAM: Holy crap, it's dad.

KRISTINA: Honey, I should…

ADAM: I'm gonna answer this.

KRISTINA: Honey, I should talk to him.

ADAM: No, honey. I've got it, I've got it. I've got it, I'm okay. I've got it. Hey, can we turn down the music? It's dad.

KRISTINA: It's probably about Max.

ADAM: Hold on, hold on, okay.

CROSBY: You shouldn't let him answer it.

KRISTINA: I know I shouldn't.

ADAM: Hello.

ZEEK: Hey, Sonny. Oh, boy, do we have a problem.

ADAM: What?

ZEEK: Max wants to come home.

ADAM: Well, what's the problem?

ZEEK: Well, look, kid, I did everything he wanted to do, all right? I mean, we got here, he wanted to look for bugs before we pitched the tent... I did that. He wanted to have the marshmallows before we counted the stars... I did that. Come on, I've done everything he wanted to do.

ADAM: Yeah. Dad, you gave him his paycheck before he did his work. You have to do it the other way around.

ZEEK: Okay, don't tell me. That's in Kristina's instruction manual, isn't it?

ADAM: Yeah. You have to read that manual right now.

ZEEK: I want to talk to Max.

KRISTINA: Cover to cover. I told him that.

ZEEK: Yeah, sure. Max, your dad wants to talk to you. There you go.

ADAM: Hey, Max.

MAX: Uh-huh?

ADAM: Hey, buddy, what's the problem?

MAX: I, I just really want to go home.

ADAM: [whispering to Kristina.] Wants to go home.

KRISTINA: Oh, honey, then let him. Let him. I'll go pick him up.

ADAM: Max, I tell you what. If you want to come home, you absolutely can.

KRISTINA: [Whispering.] Yeah.

ADAM: But if you do, you're gonna miss something really special.

MAX: What?

ADAM: In the morning when the sun comes up on the creek, all the Lacewings come out... Hundreds of them, thousands. And do you still have that specimen jar with you, the one that mom packed for you?

MAX: Yeah, I've got it.

ADAM: Okay. Do you want to collect some, put them in a jar, and then bring them home?

MAX: Yeah.

ADAM: Okay. Well, the decision is yours, but I know I would really like to see a couple of those bad boys.

MAX: Okay, we can stay. [Handing the phone back to Zeek, who is surprised at the outcome.]

[NEW SCENE - Campsite, later that night. Max is asleep.]

ZEEK: [Singing.] As the blackbird in the spring, 'neath the willow tree… [Humming the Aura Lee tune Zeek turns out the lamp.] Sunshine came along with thee, and swallows in the air.

[NEW SCENE - Morning, Braverman yard.]

KRISTINA: I'm so excited to see him.

ZEEK: [Blowing the horn as he pulls into the yard.] Hey!

KRISTINA: Hi, guys.

ADAM: Whoo-hoo. All right. Max.

KRISTINA: Hey. Hi, buddy.

MAX: Look. I caught 40 of 'em.

ADAM: Really? You did it.

KRISTINA: 40? Wow.

ADAM: All right.

KRISTINA: Those are… What are these called?

ADAM: Lacewings.

MAX: Lacewings.

KRISTINA: Lacewings?

MAX: Yes.

KRISTINA: They're like little grasshoppers.

MAX: No, no, they're not like grasshoppers at all.

KRISTINA: Okay, let's get you inside and get you cleaned up.

MAX: No, I don't want to get cleaned up.

ADAM: Max, they look great.

KRISTINA: Say thanks to grandpa.

MAX: Thanks, grandpa.

ADAM: Mm-hmm. Well, grandpa? You did it. You took Max camping.

ZEEK: Yeah, yeah, I sure did. Had a few hiccups there.

ADAM: Mm-hmm.

ZEEK: Thanks for the assist.

ADAM: That's what I'm here for.

ZEEK: Man... I got a better idea of what you and Kristina go through.

ADAM: Yeah, well, he can be a handful, that's for sure. That's why we sent that instruction manual along.

ZEEK: Yeah.

ADAM: Hope you guys had a good time.

ZEEK: He's a wonderful boy.

[NEW SCENE - Night, Haddie knocks on the front door of her former home.]



KRISTINA: Hey, Adam?

ADAM: Yeah?

KRISTINA: Haddie's...

ADAM: Hey.



HADDIE: Uh, thanks for bringing my clothes over.

KRISTINA: Oh, you're welcome.

HADDIE: Uh, okay, well, I... I feel really stupid about telling you that I choose Alex over you. It's ridiculous. I mean...

KRISTINA: It's okay. It's fine.

HADDIE: I love you guys. I miss you. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that I said some mean and stupid things to you, but also, you know, you guys have to know that you're wrong about Alex. And I am not sorry that I moved out, and I want you to know that I'm gonna stay at grandma and grandpa's officially.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby closes Jabbar's bedroom door. And goes to the bed room where Jasmine is waiting.]

CROSBY: Well, the young sportsman is asleep.


CROSBY: Mrs. Trussel, look at this. Well, well, where did this come from?

JASMINE: Just one of my gifts that I didn't get a chance to open last night.

CROSBY: Oh, boy.

JASMINE: Mm-hmm.

CROSBY: Do you have any more that you want to show me?

JASMINE: Oh, yeah.

CROSBY: Ooh, can I see?

JASMINE: Shall I do a little lingerie fashion show for you?

CROSBY: Yes, please. [Gets an Edible and lays on the bed.]

JASMINE: All right. You ready?

CROSBY: Life is good. Mmm! Mm-hmm. I'm feeling it.


CROSBY: Delicious.

JASMINE: And how about this one?

CROSBY: Yeah, that color makes your whatever pop.

[Jasmine laughs.]

[NEW SCENE - Night, Adam exits his bathroom.]

ADAM: All right. [Seeing no Kristina he goes looking for her in Haddie's room, she is lying on the bed.] Hey.

KRISTINA: Hey, honey.

ADAM: You okay?

KRISTINA: You know, my mom... Ran away with my dad when she was 16.

ADAM: Yeah, I forget she was that young.

KRISTINA: He made her so miserable every single day of her life.

[Adam joins Kristina on the bed.]

ADAM: Haddie is not gonna run off and get married to Alex.

KRISTINA: You don't know that, honey. You should see how she looks at him. You have no idea.

ADAM: Kristina, we're not gonna lose our daughter. Okay?

KRISTINA: I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to do right now.

ADAM: Neither do I. All I know is I miss our little girl, and I want her to come home.


Episode End
2.14 - A House Divided
Original Airdate (NBC) February 1, 2011
Written by Tyler Bensinger
Directed by Ken Whittingham

Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com

Please Don't Use Without Permission!

This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.