2.08 - If This Boat is a Rockin
Transcript by Craig Best

This is a Beta copy
please contact me for any corrections or additions

[Opening scene - T&S Footware, Sarah, Adam and Gordon waiting in his office, the tension is high. Sarah is playing with the beeper shoes.]

ADAM: Okay, would you stop that, please?

SARAH: It's just so genius. Whoever came up with this is a genius. Huh? No? Nobody? Nothin'?

ADAM: [Checking a message on his phone.] Bob's walking in.

GORDON: Showtime.

ADAM: Here we go.

SARAH: You guys, seriously, how big a deal can this testing thing be at this point?

ADAM: Well, if we tank, the shoe is history.

SARAH: You're kidding me? We spent three months developing this and then eight people sitting in a room...

GORDON: The shoe business is hell, Sarah.

[Bob knocks as he enters the office.]



ADAM: Hey, Bob.

BOB: Well, um... I've done a preliminary tabulation, and, um, you know, you have to keep in mind...

GORDON: Bob, please. Just...

BOB: Well, it's not good.

SARAH: Because it's... so great?

BOB: I'm afraid not. The beeping gave the parents a massive headache.

SARAH: Oh. Well, that's an easy fix. It doesn't have to beep. It can chirp. It can whistle.

GORDON: Bottom line?


SARAH: Do over again?

BOB: I'm really sorry.

[The look at each other, Gordon gives Sarah a wink.]

[NEW SCENE - Apartment, Crosby and Jasmine enter.]

CROSBY: Clear!

JASMINE: [Laughs before talking.] This is... I-I like this! This is cool.

CROSBY: Yeah. It's got new carpet.

JULIA: Yeah. This is cute. It's actually kind of perfect for what we need. Jabbar can walk to school.

CROSBY: Mm-hmm.

JASMINE: It's close to everything.

CROSBY: Mm-hmm.

JASMINE: And, you know, how cool is it that the neighbors have twin five-year-old boys?

CROSBY: There was... they were... They were twins, right?

JASMINE: Yeah, they were.

CROSBY: Okay. I thought I was seeing...

JASMINE: Double?

CROSBY: Double.

JASMINE: It's fate. I mean...

CROSBY: Yeah. It's kind of...

JASMINE: It's kind of fate.

CROSBY: An expensive fate.

JASMINE: I know, I know. It's a stretch.

CROSBY: It's just, you know, um... I still have loan payments on my equipment, and then I have fees for my boat.

JASMINE: The boat?

CROSBY: Yeah, my boat. My vessel. You know, I have dock fees and maintenance costs. You know, you gotta...


CROSBY: Keep the barnacles off.

JASMINE: Yeah, well...Are... Are you planning on keeping the boat?

CROSBY: Well...

JASMINE: I mean, 'cause... We're moving in together. Why would you need the boat?

CROSBY: Yeah, I... I guess that's a good point. I mean, Jabbar loves it but, um... I guess it is silly... To keep the boat.


CROSBY: We're sellin' the boat.

[NEW SCENE - Supermarket, Adam and Max shopping with Zeek.]

ZEEK: Son, I don't wanna belabor the point, but the clicker shoe thing was very important to your sister.

ADAM: I don't wanna talk about it. Hey, Max, we can't have that many bags of chips, okay?

MAX: One for everyone.

ADAM: We can all share one. We don't need four.

ZEEK: Come on, let the boy have his chips.

MAX: Yeah, let the boy have his chips.

ADAM: Thanks a lot, dad. All right, two. You can have two bags of chips. That's the limit, okay? Come on. Thank you.

ZEEK: How 'bout another focus group?

ADAM: Dad, focus groups cost a lot of money, like $15,000, you know, to do it right. We're seriously cash strapped right now.

ZEEK: That's the time when you go balls out, son.

ADAM: It's throwing good money after bad. There's no point in spending money developing a shoe that nobody wants, you know? I may as well just flush the money down the toilet.

ZEEK: What's the alternative? Don't do anything?

MAX: 17 items.

GRANT: Hey, I'm buying those.

ADAM: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

GRANT: What are you doing?

MAX: 17 items.

GRANT: Gimme a break, will ya, kid?

MAX: That's seven items too many.

GRANT: I'm buying those!

ADAM: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Max. Max. It's okay. It's okay.

MAX: That's 17 items.

ADAM: Max, Max...

GRANT: I'm in a hurry. Will you leave it... Leave it alone?

MAX: It's more items than he's allowed to have, dad!

ADAM: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

MAX: He has more items. Dad! He has 17 items. Have you seen that?

ADAM: You know what, Max? There are some people that think the rules don't apply to them. Let's just let him go.

GRANT: Okay, all right… there's some people that should mind their own damn business, all right buddy. Just mind your business.

ADAM: Let's just chill out.

ZEEK: No, no, no, no. What'd you say?

ADAM: Dad, dad.

GRANT: Now he's involved?

ZEEK: Yeah, I am involved.

ADAM: It's okay. Can you help Max? Go get some more chips, okay?

MAX: More chips!

ADAM: Some more chips and some more pretzels. Can you help Max?

ZEEK: Yeah.

GRANT: Can you hurry this up, please? Jackass. Jackass.

ADAM: Excuse me? What is your problem?

GRANT: I don't have a problem.

ADAM: No, you do have a problem. "A", you can't read. It's ten items...

GRANT: That kid of yours has a problem.

ADAM: No, my son...

GRANT: You should train him better or something.

ADAM: Train him better? What is that supposed to mean?

GRANT: Look, I feel sorry for you, okay?

ADAM: You feel sorry for me? Why?

GRANT: Yeah, 'cause you've got a burden, 'cause he's a retard.

[Adam has had enough and punched the man knocking him to the floor. Zeek see the whole thing and can't believe what he did.]

[Opening credits - featuring “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan]

[NEW SCENE - Kristina on the phone in the kitchen as the boys returns from the shops.]

KRISTINA: So I can use regular taco meat? Okay. I think they'll like it. Yeah. Thanks, Suze. I will. Oh. Okay, you know what? I gotta go. Bye.

MAX: We got American beer.

KRISTINA: Ooh. Good. Yum. How'd it go? Did you get everything on the list?

ADAM: Yeah, I think so.

KRISTINA: Is everything okay?

ADAM: Yeah.


ZEEK: Uh...Yeah, yeah. Just had a problem with Max and the chips. You know, how many he got. 'Scuse me.

ADAM: Want a beer?

KRISTINA: What happened?

ADAM: Nothin'.

KRISTINA: Something happened.

ADAM: Nothing happened.

KRISTINA: Did Max have a breakdown? Oh, my God, he had a tantrum.


KRISTINA: I told Gaby not... We've been working on this but...

ADAM: Kristina, nothing happened. I said nothing happened.

KRISTINA: Okay. Don't snap at me. I just asked.

ADAM: I'm gonna take a shower.

[NEW SCENE - Community centre kitchen.]

HADDIE: I just mean there's so much that's going on all the time. Like every minute I spend here is worth more than anything I've spent... I don't know. You know what I mean?

ALEX: Yeah, I mean it's pretty cool...I guess.

HADDIE: All right, well... You don't need to be so modest.

ALEX: It's amazing, actually. The big moving day is tomorrow, and it's something special. The look on those kids' faces when they walk through the door for the first time...


ALEX: Pretty much the best part of the job.

HADDIE: I bet.

ALEX: Hands down. Well, you know, tomorrow if you're not doing anything after school, if you're not busy, you should come by.

HADDIE: I would love to. I would really love to. I just, uh...I have to go to a pep rally.

ALEX: A pep rally?

HADDIE: Yeah. I'm the president of the junior class.

ALEX: Wow!

HADDIE: So I have to deal with that.

ADAM: Wow. Of course you are. The president.

HADDIE: Oh. All right. Let's not...Say that. It's just... I don't know. We're, um... We're renaming the school mascots from the rough riders 'cause it's archaic, and that's it.

ALEX: Okay. That's too bad. I would love for you to see it.

HADDIE: Me too.

ALEX: Can you just take that box up before you leave?

HADDIE: Okay. [To herself.] Is this one kitchen...Too?

[NEW SCENE - Night time on Crosby's house boat.]

CROSBY: Hey, buddy, we're gettin' close.

JABBAR: I'm gonna get the liquids, daddy.

CROSBY: You're gonna get the liquids?


CROSBY: Will you get me one of the orange liquids? Oh, yes. I can't remember. Do you like your dogs burnt, very burnt, or completely black?

JABBAR: Burnt.

CROSBY: Burnt. Okay. Well, then we are ready to eat now. Okay. Ohh... One plain hot dog. Cheers.

JABBAR: Cheers.

CROSBY: Well... this might be our last time eatin' hot dogs on the back of the frigate.


CROSBY: Well, because we're getting that great new apartment, and we're probably gonna have to sell the boat.


CROSBY: Yeah. I feel the same way.

JABBAR: Can we keep the boat too?

CROSBY: Well...It'd be kind of excessive, I think.


CROSBY: Well... You know, we have to pay for the new place. And...You know, you can't have everything.

JABBAR: But you're a boat guy.

CROSBY: You think I'm a boat guy?

JABBAR: Ever since I met you, you lived here. This is your boat. You're a boat guy, and this is a houseboat. See?

CROSBY: That's pretty good logic.

JABBAR: This boat is you.

[NEW SCENE - T&S, Design department, Sarah sits at her desk stabbing one of the clicker shoes with scissors.]

GORDON: [Entering the room.] Hey.

SARAH: Hey. Sorry.

GORDON: Great idea. Ahead of its time.

SARAH: Oh, no, that's okay. You don't have to cheer me up.

GORDON: Listen, you, Adam, and I have to quietly slip away for the afternoon.

SARAH: What for?

GORDON: Because we have a tradition here every time we test a shoe. I rent a limo fully stocked, and if the shoe tests well, we go out and celebrate. And if the shoes fails, then we go out and drink ourselves into a businessy stupor. Let's go.

SARAH: My brother Adam does that?

GORDON: Every time. And since the clicker shoe was your brainchild, this year you will come with. Come on, let's go.



SARAH: It's like 3:30.

GORDON: I'm the boss. Let's go.

SARAH: All right.

[NEW SCENE - T&S, Adam's office.]

ADAM: Yeah, well, don't blow your brains out just yet. Uh, hang on a second, Terry.

GORDON: Terry from manufacturing?

ADAM: Yep.

GORDON: Tell him you gotta go. Put on your drinking shoes, babe.

ADAM: Uh, not this time, Gordon.

SARAH: Aw...

ADAM: Terry, I'm gonna have to call you back.

GORDON: Braverman, please. Come on.

SARAH: Yeah, come on, Braverman.

ADAM: Look, guys, seriously, I just wanna stay here and mourn in my own... Swamped-with-work kind of way.

SARAH: It's tradition!

ADAM: I know it's a tradition. I've been a part of the tradition. But this year I wanna stay here and get some things done.

GORDON: Really?

ADAM: Yeah, I've got work to do. I wanna get it done.

GORDON: You sure?

ADAM: Yep.

SARAH: He's gonna stay here.

ADAM: Yep.


ADAM: Okay.

GORDON: Suit yourself.

ADAM: All right.

SARAH: Okay. But I'm gonna... you know. You know, right? I mean…

ADAM: Yeah, have fun. Go for it.

SARAH: You have fun, you.

ADAM: Yeah, you too. Have fun. Have fun celebrating.

[NEW SCENE - Pep Rally, Haddie exits a build closely followed by Amber.]

AMBER: Excuse me, Mr. president, I have a few questions for you. Like where do you think you're going?

HADDIE: Um...I'm leaving.

AMBER: What do you mean? You're ditching?

HADDIE: All right, well... yeah. I am.

AMBER: You can't leave me in there. This is your big deal. I'm in there for you.

HADDIE: Then don't stay. It's not important. I just want to go…

AMBER: Wait a second.


AMBER: Well, then, I'm gonna come with you.

HADDIE: Uh, well, no. I mean... I'm gonna help a homeless family move, if you wanna do that, so...

AMBER: That doesn't sound fun.

HADDIE: Right. Okay, well, see you.

AMBER: But wait. You could just like leave me at a coffee shop, and then we could meet up.

HADDIE: Amber, uh...I might be getting like a different way home. I don't know.

AMBER: What? That doesn't even make sense.


AMBER: Why are you acting so strange?

HADDIE: No, I'm not acting strange, I just...

AMBER: You have a crush on one of the homeless guys?


AMBER: Oh...

HADDIE: [Smiling] No!

AMBER: You have a crush on a homeless guy!

HADDIE: I'm leaving.

AMBER: Okay. Can't wait tell the family about this. Be safe. You look good. And clean. He's gonna like that.

[NEW SCENE - Homeless family's new house.]

MAN: Thank you so much.

ALEX: You deserve it, bro.

MAN: Appreciate it.

ALEX: No problem, man.

WOMAN: You are such a blessing.

ALEX: Oh, thank you.

WOMAN: Thank you.

ALEX: Enjoy it. [Seeing Haddie.] What's up?


ALEX: What happened to the pep rally?

HADDIE: Wha... Uh...I don't know. It got postponed.

ALEX: Great.

HADDIE: Yeah, great. Sure. Am I like interrupting?


HADDIE: You guys gonna have dinner or something?

ALEX: No, not at all... We're just finishing moving 'em in.

BOY: Alex!

ALEX: Hey, what's up, Jose? How you doing, brother? Getting big on me.

GIRL: Alex, we made you this.

ALEX: Really? It's a lanyard. It's for my keys, right? [She shakes her head.] Aw. Purple's my favorite color. I'm gonna put it on.

GIRL: It's nice, isn't it?

ALEX: It is, it is. Thank you, guys. [Kissing her cheek.] Mwah! Go play. Go ahead, enjoy. Those guys are awesome.

HADDIE: Yeah, cool.

ALEX: Well, so since you're here and we're not finished working yet, you mind if...

HADDIE: What are we doing?

ALEX: Oh, I was just... I figured you'd wanna help.

HADDIE: Right. Obviously.

ALEX: Mm-hmm.

HADDIE: Right. Obviously, that's why I came. Okay.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman house, Camille and Zeek sitting outside.]

CAMILLE: Well, I can't even imagine Adam reacting that way.

ZEEK: I mean, I just kept going on and on about that clicker shoe thing, you know? I don't know... Maybe it upset him.

CAMILLE: Oh, no. It'd take a whole lot more than that to make Adam punch someone. Adam doesn't punch people. You punch people.

ZEEK: You know... He's a under a lot of pressure at work. He's... He's got Max to deal with, you know.

CAMILLE: Yeah, well, then you need to talk to him.

ZEEK: Tried talking to him. He didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want to hear what I had to say.

CAMILLE: Well...Try again.

[NEW SCENE - Street, Haddie waits for Alex on the back of a truck.]

ALEX: What's up, champ?

HADDIE: Oh. Hello.

ALEX: You tired?

HADDIE: Um... no.

ALEX: You sure?


ALEX: I saw you trying to move that couch by yourself.

HADDIE: All right, well... Please don't make fun of me. No, I was just thinking this day has been... Really, really great.

ALEX: Really?

HADDIE: Like...This is the day that this family's life changed, right? I just feel like it meant something. And I don't want to spend like...Any more time worrying about things that don't matter. Like school stuff. Like dances and grades. It's meaningless.

ALEX: What you're doing is not meaningless.

HADDIE: No, I know. I know that, obviously...

ALEX: Listen, you have a bright future. You're gonna be somebody's boss one day. Student government?

HADDIE: Right.

ALEX: Come on.

HADDIE: Oh. Yeah. Of course.

ALEX: I'm pretty sure that you got straight as in school.

HADDIE: Yeah. Wow, great. Super-predictable. Straight as. Got a "B" in my sixth grade math and science class.

ALEX: Ooh! You just dangerous, huh? Living life on the edge!

HADDIE: Why do you want me to tell you things so you can like make fun of me? It's not fair!

ALEX: No, because you remembered the first time that you got a "B"... Your one and only.

HADDIE: I know! That's what I mean. Why?

ALEX: All right, well... I want you to take this, all right? [Handing over the lanyard the kids had given him earlier.] And remember today... Because today matters. It does.

HADDIE: I know.

ALEX: You did a lotta good work.

HADDIE: I know.

ALEX: You helped out.

HADDIE: I know.

ALEX: You moved couches.

HADDIE: I know. I just mean you put a lanyard around my neck.

[There is a few moments of silence as the look at each other, Haddie smiles before leaning in and kissing Alex.]

ALEX: That's not a good idea.


ALEX: Don't... I don't want you...

HADDIE: No, no, no, it's okay. Um...I'm...

[Haddie leave.]

[NEW SCENE - Adam and Kristina at home.]

ADAM: I'm sure she's fine, all right?

KRISTINA: How do you know that?

ADAM: I don't know that.

KIRK: I can't get a hold of her…

ADAM: I assume it's just... Look, she's here right now.


ADAM: Hey, Haddie.


ADAM: Your mother's been worried sick about you.

KRISTINA: That's an understatement. [To Haddie.] Where have you been?

HADDIE: I'm sorry. I apologize.

KRISTINA: You're sorry. Haddie.


KRISTINA: I've called you three times. Where were you?

HADDIE: I was helping the Rodriguez family move.

KRISTINA: I don't know who they are.

HADDIE: They're the homeless family that grandma introduced me to.

ADAM: You helped them move into a new home?

HADDIE: Yeah, I did.

ADAM: That's great.

HADDIE: Thank you.

KRISTINA: I don't care where you were. You need to call me and tell me, okay? I was worried sick.

HADDIE: Okay. You're right. You're absolutely right.

ADAM: Yeah, look, Haddie. It's not a big deal, you know. Just... just give her a call.


ADAM: All right. [To Kristina.] I'll see you later, hon.

KRISTINA: You're gonna...

ADAM: I gotta go to Crosby's boat thing.

[NEW SCENE - Limo.]

SARAH: The last time I was in a limo was 11th grade when Danny Zelkind had saved up his grocery delivery money for a year to get a limo to take me to junior prom. And we never even went to the dance. We just drove and drove. We drove all the way to Napa. We opened up the roof, and we looked at the stars.

GORDON: That's it?

SARAH: That's it.

GORDON: How far did he get?

SARAH: What?

GORDON: Well, you know, it was prom night, after all.

SARAH: He got to second base, as I remember.

GORDON: The guy delivered groceries for a year and rented a limo for you, and all he got was second base? I mean, wh...

SARAH: Um, hello. He got to second base with...You know. You know...

GORDON: Sarah Braverman. I mean, come on.

SARAH: Oh, God.

GABY: Seriously. Listen, Sarah... There's something I wanna show you.

[Pulls a folder from his bag.]

SARAH: The retractable golf shoe?

GORDON: That's right. Spikes retract so you can finish a round of golf, and they convert right into a walking shoe. There's the Flipperoo. It's a walking shoe that converts to a flip-flop.

SARAH: Did any of these get made?

GORDON: Not exactly.

SARAH: I know why you're showing me this.

GORDON: Why is that?

SARAH: You're showing me all your failures so that I don't feel bad about mine. You're very sweet.

GORDON: Sarah... What are we doing?

SARAH: I don't know.

GORDON: What would Danny Zelkind do?


[They start kissing as to limo drive along the coastal road.]

[NEW SCENE - The Family help Jasmine and Crosby move into their new apartment.]

JABBAR: Sydney, come help me with my drum set.

CROSBY: [Moving a mattress with Julia.] Oh, boy.

JOEL: [Building a shelving unit.] You just pop it right on top.

JASMINE: Damn, Joel, you're good!

JOEL: It's pretty advanced. [Jasmine laughs] Hey, Jasmine, I'd be remiss in my duty as the last to marry a Braverman if I didn't tell you something.


JOEL: It's not too late.


JOEL: You can still save yourself.

JASMINE: Ha ha ha!

JOEL: You think you're marrying one, but you're actually marrying the whole gang.

JASMINE: Yeah. I kinda sense that.

JOEL: Yeah. And they're all crazy.

JASMINE: So what do you do?

JOEL: No, there's nothing you can do. It's infectious. Bravermantitus. [She laughs again.] It slowly eats away at your brain until you become exactly like them.

JASMINE: What? White?

JOEL: White.

JASMINE: It's that strong?

JOEL: It's that strong.

[In the bedroom.]

CROSBY: So Jasmine thinks I should sell the boat.

JULIA: Why wouldn't you sell the boat?

CROSBY: Well, for one, I have a history of selling things and then regretting it, like my '68 telecaster? I sold it, and a year later, it tripled in value.

JULIA: Well, the boat's not gonna triple in value. The boat's gonna sink.

CROSBY: Yep. Well, it's not just about the money, you know. I had some of my seminal moments on that boat.

JULIA: You talking about your sex life now?

CROSBY: No, not just that, you know. I came of age on there. I've been in a relationship with that boat for a long time. And Jabbar likes it.

JULIA: Jabbar's six.

CROSBY: Well, the boat's part of me. I'm a boat guy. And he agrees.

JULIA: Okay. Cros. Sell the boat. You're a grownup.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby's houseboat, Zeek and Adam are packing some of his things.]

ZEEK: Okay, let's take a break.

ADAM: Dad, come on. We got so much crap to pack, I don't have time for a break.

ZEEK: I said...Let's take a break. I wanna talk to you about what happened the other night.

ADAM: I don't want to talk about what happened.

ZEEK: I know you don't wanna talk about what happened. I know...It's hard to talk about your feelings.

ADAM: [Concerned] Who are you?

ZEEK: I'm not sure.

ADAM: Dad, come on. That guy was a jackass, right? And he said things he shouldn't have and, you know, paid the price. I think anybody would have punched that guy.

ZEEK: Yeah. [Takes a drink of his beer.] Adam.

ADAM: What?

ZEEK: Ever since you were a little boy, you've always managed to be in control. It astounded me. And I... I so...Admired you for that. And I still do.

ADAM: I guess somebody had to be in control, right? I mean, I was just trying t balance you out, you know, 'cause you were just explosive all the time. You'd even yell at a stranger. Remember that waitress who spilled the soup in your lap? You know, or when Crosby broke those black chess pieces made out of onyx, you know, you were so enraged about... Or when Sarah and Seth came home stoned 3 A.M. from that concert. You went berserk on that guy. I was just trying not to be like you, so... The fact that you admire that is pretty funny.
But now I'm the angry guy, you know? Now I'm angry at everything. I-I'm angry that I had to fire people at work because of the economy, because I work for a jackass who's been promising me for 15 years that he's gonna you know give me part ownership of the company, and he never will.
I'm pissed off that I have to hold Sarah's hand, that she can't go and find a job on her own. You know, I'm pissed off I can't do more for my son. I'm pissed off that he has Asperger's. I'm pissed off that you admire me for being in control, because I can't do anything about it. I can't do anything about any of it. I can't save those people's jobs, I can't make my kid not have Asperger's, I can't keep some asshole from calling him a retard in a supermarket, so what good does it do me to control my feelings?
And honestly, it felt good when I hit that guy. It felt good not to be in control. I'm just angry all the time. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. You know, I can't go around punching people in supermarkets.

[There's a few moments of silence as Zeek takes it all in.]

ZEEK: I got your back, Adam.

ADAM: Thanks, pop. I'm gonna go pack some stuff up.

[NEW SCENE - limo, Sarah wakes up, next to Gordon.]

SARAH: Oh, my God! Oh, my God. We have to go. Gordon, get up, get up. I'm sorry, we have to go. We have to go right now. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. [Looking at his watch.] What time is it? Oh, my God, I have to get home. I didn't even call. They're gonna know that I didn't come home. It's 4:30! It's 4:30!

GORDON: Okay. Okay.

SARAH: Oh, my God!

[NEW SCENE - Drew enters Amber's room.]

DREW: Amber. Amber, wake up.

AMBER: What?

DREW: Seriously, get up. Mom's not home.

AMBER: What?

DREW: I don't know. Mom's not home.

AMBER: What time is it?

DREW: Exactly. It's light outside.

AMBER: Did you call her?

DREW: Yes, I called her. And she won't call me back.

AMBER: You checked the guest house?

DREW: Yeah, I checked the guest house. She's not there. Like, she's not here.

AMBER: Okay. All right. I guess we should wake up Nana and pop.

[NEW SCENE - The limo pulls up to the guest house.]

SARAH: Yeah, okay. Thanks a lot.


SARAH: Okay.

GORDON: That was fun.

SARAH: Okay. Yeah, me too.

GORDON: Yeah. Bye.


GORDON: [To the driver.] All right, let's go.

[Sarah enters the guest house, quickly changes in to some sweets and fixes her hair.]

SARAH: Okay.

[She takes a few deep breaths as she prepares to enter the main house. Inside Drew, Amber, Zeek and Camille wait in the kitchen.]

SARAH: Oh, you're up. Hi. Well, lucky me. I thought I was gonna have to make my own coffee. Good morning. How is everybody?

CAMILLE: Here she is.

AMBER: What are you doing? Are you trying to fool us? Are you 12 years old?

ZEEK: It's 6:30 in the morning. Where the hell have you been?

SARAH: You're not gonna believe this, but it was for work.

AMBER: What?

SARAH: And then it got... it got stuck.

DREW: No, it wasn't, mom.

SARAH: Sorry, honey. I'm really sorry, I...

AMBER: Mom, so next time you're gonna be at work 6:30 in the morning, do you think you could at least send us a text message?

SARAH: Of course, I know. I just... I didn't want to call and worry everybody and wake you up in the middle of the night.

DREW: I'm getting ready for school.

AMBER: You know, he came in and he woke me up, and he was hysterical.

SARAH: I'm really sorry. I-I absolutely did the wrong thing. [Amber walks off.] Sorry.

CAMILLE: Well, you're home now, so...

[NEW SCENE - Crosby and Jasmine's new apartment.]

CROSBY: I can't believe Joel didn't build this one.

JASMINE: He did build all the others.

CROSBY: Well, don't defend him.

JASMINE: Are you jealous?

CROSBY: Of Julia's wife? No. I'm not too jealous.



JASMINE: That's not very nice.

CROSBY: Well, I'm sorry, I'm just a little bit... Frustrated with my brother and sisters and you for not taking this selling the boat thing seriously.

JASMINE: Well, what are we supposed to be doing? How are we not taking it seriously?

CROSBY: Well, you're supposed to acknowledge it, you know? Everyone's just taking it for granted that I'm gonna sell the boat, and maybe I won't. Or maybe I will. I don't know. But it's a big deal. I wish everyone would treat it like that. Look, someday, somehow, somebody is gonna honor the boat. And that's all I'm saying. Honor the boat. I need a hammer.

[NEW SCENE - T&S, Adam's office.]

SARAH: Listen, um, this tradition, you know, of, um... That Gordon has, it kind of turned into something kind of personal and...

ADAM: Yeah? Sounds like you were out kinda late.

SARAH: How do you know?

ADAM: 'Cause I got a call from mom and dad.

SARAH: They called you?

ADAM: Yeah.

SARAH: Oh, God, they did?

ADAM: Yeah.

SARAH: When?

ADAM: This morning. They were looking for you.

SARAH: Okay, that's a whole other story. Listen, it really did start out as work.

ADAM: Sarah, I don't want to talk about it. It's over. What's done is done, okay?

SARAH: What do you mean, what's done is done?

ADAM: Sarah, I had to fire seven people here.

SARAH: I know!

ADAM: So the fact that you and Gordon chose to go out and get hammered in the middle of the day...

SARAH: Well that's why I wish that my idea had worked, which I still think it could...

CROSBY: [Entering the office.] Whoa...

SARAH: And I still don't understand...

CROSBY: What's goin' on here?

SARAH: You think I don't care about those people's jobs?

CROSBY: What's this?

SARAH: I do. Hi.

CROSBY: What's happening?

ADAM: Nothing.

SARAH: Nothing.

ADAM: What's up?

CROSBY: Nothing, my ass. You guys are fighting.


CROSBY: No, no, carry on, I like this.

ADAM: What's up, Crosby? What do you want?

CROSBY: Um... I'm selling the houseboat.


ADAM: Yeah?

CROSBY: Well, I thought maybe we could all get together and have kind of like a farewell to the... to the boat.

SARAH: Fare-farewell to the boat party?

CROSBY: Yeah, a farewell to the boat.

ADAM: Okay, all right...

CROSBY: It happens to be where I became an adult. It's the only place I've ever called home, other than mom and dad's.

ADAM: Okay, when's the farewell party for the boat?

CROSBY: Immediately. Tonight.

SARAH: Oh, God.

ADAM: Crosby, obviously, I need more notice than the day of.

SARAH: I got in trouble last night. I can't. I can't.

CROSBY: What are you talk... You need not... you're not the president. You think Neil Armstrong gave notice when he made a small step for man and a giant leap for mankind?

ADAM: Well, you know, I'm pretty sure that they planned on that for well over a decade, so...

SARAH: I think some people had notice, like his wife.

CROSBY: You get what I'm saying. Listen, Crosby's gonna make a gigantic leap, and I thought maybe you guys would wanna be there.

SARAH & ADAM: [Together] Oh, if Crosby's... About to make a giant leap.

SARAH: Then I wanna be there, for sure.

ADAM: Yeah, if Crosby is, then I'm gonna do my best to be there.

SARAH: Crosby should know that Sarah's gonna try to be there.

CROSBY: Yeah, okay. You guys were in a fight, and now you're trying to bring me into it. But I'm not really interested in that.

SARAH: I want to try and be there…

CROSBY: I've kinda got my own stuff. Glad I could amuse you.

ADAM: I'll see what I can do, cros. [Crosby leaves.] Get back to work.

SARAH: Okay.

[NEW SCENE - Community centre, Alex's office.]

ADAM: Hey, all right. Thank you.

[Haddie enters]

HADDIE: Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second? Are you busy, or...

ADAM: Yeah, sure, come in.

HADDIE: Okay. Um... I just wanted to... Apologize for yesterday and say that I hope it doesn't interfere with, you know, what we've been doing here. 'Cause I wanna keep doing it.

[Alex gets up and closes the door.]

ALEX: I'm an alcoholic. I've been in recovery for five months... And I'm telling you this because relationships, romantic relationships, just aren't good for me right now.

HADDIE: Yeah. Okay.

ALEX: I don't want you to take this the wrong way either, because... Because I like you. And it's not that you're not attractive, because you are. You're really amazing, actually. It's just I'm not in a place to do anything about those feelings right now.


ALEX: You understand? Like...

HADDIE: Uh... Is that why you... you dropped out of school? 'Cause of drinking?

ALEX: That's one of the reasons. Yeah.

HADDIE: All right. And you... then you go to meetings.

ALEX: Meetings. I have a sponsor. Work with the program. The whole nine.

HADDIE: That's a lot.

ALEX: Yeah.

HADDIE: Uh...Well, can't wait to write about this in my diary.

ALEX: I get a journal log.

HADDIE: Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

ALEX: I feel special.

HADDIE: "Dear diary, I talked to a dropout alcoholic." Sorry. "He was great. He was so nice."

ALEX: Really?

HADDIE: I had no idea.

ALEX: Just...A normal guy.

HADDIE: Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. Um, well, I'm just... Finishing up work, so...

ALEX: Yeah? All right.


ALEX: Well, see you later.


[NEW SCENE - Night time, Crosby's houseboat, farewell party with the 4 siblings.]

CROSBY: Look I'm just saying.

JULIA: Are you gonna…

CROSBY: This has been a very successful lair.

JULIA: Well, there was that one time you were on tour in Australia...

CROSBY: Uh-huh.

JULIA: And it hit me, mom and dad had Sydney and Joel and I had dinner reservations, and we never made it to the dinner reservations. We just...

SARAH: Came here?

JULIA: We just came here.

CROSBY: You used my boudoir?

JULIA: We...Used it all up.

CROSBY: Really? You and Joel?

SARAH: You did?

JULIA: Yes. Is it that surprising?

CROSBY: Um, the Joel part. Yeah.

SARAH: I can't believe that you're selling it before I got a chance to do something for gross here.

CROSBY: How 'bout you, Adam? Did you ever use my home as a cheap hourly motel?

ADAM: Oh, don't be ridiculous. Of course I have.


SARAH: What!

CROSBY: No, you haven't!

JULIA: When?

CROSBY: With who?

ADAM: Couple of times, Kristina and I went into the city, and Haddie had a babysitter and we...


ADAM: Checked to see if the love boat was unoccupied.

CROSBY: Oh, my God!


CROSBY: Little did I know I was living on a floating brothel.

JULIA: Everything's better in the salt air.

CROSBY: I gotta say, I'm, uh... I'm kinda scared.

JULIA: About selling the boat?

SARAH: About moving in with Jasmine and Jabbar?

ADAM: About marriage?

CROSBY: About screwing the whole thing up.

ADAM: You know what? It's a big change. It's normal that you feel scared. I'd be worried if you didn't feel that way.

CROSBY: Yeah. Well, I have screwed up every relationship I've ever had, so...

ADAM: Well, this one's different.

CROSBY: Because of Jabbar?

ADAM: Yep.

JULIA: Ah-ha And because you're different.

CROSBY: And you guys are gonna help me stay on the straight and narrow?

ADAM: Mm...Okay.

JULIA: Got my eye on you, buddy.

SARAH: I'll help you.

CROSBY: Okay, then! Please join me on the back of the boat...

JULIA: Oh, my goodness!

ADAM: Come on, you think that Neil Armstrong wasn't scared when he took that first step on the moon?

SARAH: Don't encourage him.

CROSBY: I knew you loved that metaphor. Okay...

ADAM: Do it!

CROSBY: 3, 2, 1.

ADAM: One small step for this bachelor...

JULIA: One giant leap for...

SARAH: Family.

CROSBY: You're gonna be all right.

JULIA: Good work.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman house, living room. Amber is teaching Drew how to knit.]

SARAH: I'm home. I'm on time. I only had one beer. Ha. Too soon? You guys, I really definitely made a mistake, and, um, I'm sorry again. Can we just move on?

DREW: I don't know, mom.

AMBER: We... we just... Don't wanna talk right now.

SARAH: All right. Carry on. [She goes to the litchen where Camille is sitting at the table.] Tough room. Could I get just one small break? Seriously. Did I ever torture you like that?

CAMILLE: Well...No. 'Cause, uh... I never screwed up.

SARAH: Oh. The world's only perfect mother. I remember you.

CAMILLE: So what's the story with this guy Gordon?

SARAH: I don't know. He's...Really great. He's...You know, he runs this company. He travels. He's funny. He's smart. He... He likes me, mom. He's sweet.

CAMILLE: Of course he's sweet. 'Cause that's what you deserve.

SARAH: Yeah. They just don't get it, though, huh? Why don't they understand?

CAMILLE: 'Cause they're brats. That's all.

SARAH: They are really rotten little brats. I just love my rotten little brats.

CAMILLE: Of course you do.

[NEW SCENE - Kristina brushes her teeth as Adam enters the bedroom and sits on the bed near the bathroom door.]

ADAM: Hey.

KRISTINA: Hey. How'd it go?

ADAM: Oh, it was fun.


ADAM: It was...Typical Crosby. A lotta drinks and no food.


ADAM: I punched a guy the other day.

KRISTINA: [Taking a few moments to reply.] What?

ADAM: It was at the supermarket. I hit a guy. We were, uh, standing in the express line, and Max got upset because... You know, he counted that the guy had 17 items instead of 10, and, uh... some words were exchanged. He called Max a retard, and I hit him.

KRISTINA: Wait a minute. He called Max a retard.

ADAM: Yeah.

KRISTINA: Hmm. I'm glad you hit him. Is the guy okay?

ADAM: He'll live.

KRISTINA: Why didn't you tell me this?

ADAM: I was embarrassed.

KRISTINA: Honey, you don't have to be embarrassed with me. I'm your wife, you know?

ADAM: I don't know what's going on, Kristine. I'm just... I'm angry all the time, and I'm angry for being angry but... I am under all this stress, and I know that's no excuse, but... You know what the scary thing is?


ADAM: It felt great. It felt really great. It's like a little bit of justice. You know, maybe I'm a little more like my dad than I want to admit.

KRISTINA: Oh, no. No, no, no. You're not like your dad. Honey, you are nothing like your dad. Okay? I just, I... I want you to be able to tell me everything, okay? Always, even if it's not pretty and... Okay, Sluggo? You hit him.

ADAM: Yeah.

KRISTINA: I'm not laughing, but it's just... Babe...We have to find some ways for you to get rid of this stress. It's not good.

ADAM: Maybe I should take up racquetball. Hmm?


ADAM: Oh, you have something in mind?

KRISTINA: Mm-hmm. [She kisses Adam on the neck.]

ADAM: Mmm.

KRISTINA: I just want you to promise me that you won't say that you're... You're turning into or you're like...

ADAM: What, my dad?

KRISTINA: Yeah. Just... I don't know.

ADAM: [Imitating Zeek's voice.] Zeek Braverman.


ADAM: How you doin'?

KRISTINA: Oh, no, see. That's what I'm saying.

ADAM: Now, Kristina, have I ever told you about R&R in Bangkok?

KRISTINA: No. That is freaky, and it's not sexy. I'm not listening to you.

ADAM: I'll tell you about stress and tension...


ADAM: I been out on the front lines.

KRISTINA: Stop it! What are you doing?

ADAM: Okay?


ADAM: I love you.

KRISTINA: I love you.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby's houseboat, he's playing at the piano with one finger of the now empty houseboat.]

CROSBY: Hey, what are you doin' here?

JASMINE: I just wanna tell you that I know how much this boat means to you, and...I wanna honor that. [She pulls a bottle of Champagne from her bag.] Pop! And... I wanna send it off the right way. [She takes of her coat to reveal some sexy black lingerie.]

CROSBY: Oh, my God! [Then she lets down her hair.] Oh, my God...

[Jasmine goes to the bedroom, taking off her boots before getting on to the bed, Crosby follows her.]

Episode End
2.08 - If This Boat is a Rockin'
Original Airdate (NBC) November 9, 2010
Written by Tyler Bensinger
Directed by Allison Liddi-Brown

Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com

Please Don't Use Without Permission!

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