2.06 - Orange Alert
Transcript by Craig Best

This is a Beta copy
please contact me for any corrections or additions

[Opening scene - Adam in his kitchen at the fridge calendar, Kristina enters.]

KRISTINA: Hey, honey. What are you doing?

ADAM: Being festive.

KRISTINA: Honey, orange is for doctor appointments, not for Halloween.

ADAM: You know what? I was thinking, speaking of that, that…

KRISTINA: Purple. [Handing him a different marker.]

ADAM: Look, I know that usually we stay home on Halloween, but I was thinking maybe this year we'd try taking Max over to my parents' house.

KRISTINA: You're not serious. There's no…

ADAM: It's Halloween.

KRISTINA: Go ahead. Ask him.

ADAM: Hey, Max, uh, you know how we usually at stay home on, on Halloween? I was thinking that maybe this year, we'd go over to grandpa and grandma's.

MAX: I do not want to.


ADAM: It's so much fun.

MAX: Could you open this?

ADAM: You get to dress up in a costume.

KRISTINA: Honey, it's okay. You don't have to go…

MAX: I want to go trick-or-treating.

KRISTINA: It was just an idea.

MAX: I want to go trick-or-treating.

ADAM: Really?

KRISTINA: Max, honey...

ADAM: Really?

KRISTINA: You've never been trick-or-treating.

ADAM: He was trick-or-treating once.

KRISTINA: When he was 18 months old. Max, are you sure you want to go trick-or-treating?

MAX: Well, you get candy...

ADAM: Really.

MAX: …for just going up to a door and asking.

ADAM: Yes, you do.

KRISTINA: Hold on a second…

ADAM: That is correct.

KRISTINA: …hold on, just hold on.

MAX: And it's so...

ADAM: You walk up to a door, you knock.

MAX: …you just get…

ADAM: You can dress up however you want to dress up.

MAX: …I want, there is so much.

ADAM: You can pick your own costume. You could be a pirate.

MAX: Cockroach. Mmm. I want to be a cockroach.

ADAM: Or a cockroach.

[NEW SCENE - Julia and Sydney leaving for School.]

JULIA: Come on, Syd!

SYDNEY: Mommy, I know what I want to be for Halloween.

JULIA: You do? Here, work with me. [Handing Sydney her school bag.] What do you want to be?

SYDNEY: I want to be a beauty queen.

JULIA: Come again?

SYDNEY: I want to be miss California.

JULIA: Sweetie... Why don't you want to be a ladybug... Like you were last year? That was so cute.

SYDNEY: Well...

JULIA: Here, can you put that on? [Car seat belt.]

SYDNEY: I was a ladybug when I was little.

JULIA: I think you're still pretty little.

SYDNEY: Mommy, stop. I'm not little. And I want to be miss California.

JULIA: Okay. Why don't we discuss it later?

SYDNEY: No, mom, I know what I want. I want to be miss California.

JULIA: Okay, we're gonna think about it, and then... We'll discuss it later.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman kitchen, Drew and Amber sit at the counter.]

CAMILLE: Is your grandpa excited enough about Halloween, you think?

DREW: Yeah, I know.

SARAH: Good morning. It's so tight, I can't even breathe. Can you help me…

CAMILLE: You look really hot. Bet it's for that forklift-operator guy, huh?

SARAH: Oh, well, actually, that's sort of over.

DREW: Who's forklift guy?

SARAH: No, it's done.

CAMILLE: Well, you're dressing for someone.

ZEEK: [Enters the house carrying a heavy box.] Guess what. I found my zombie arm.

AMBER: Gosh, cool.


DREW: Look at all of this.

ADAM: Hey, can I see the leg? Can I see the leg?

ZEEK: Yeah. We got three days till Halloween. That means we are behind.

SARAH: Behind the neighbours or…

ZEEK: Nobody make any plans. All right? I want all hands on deck here. We are gonna scare the piss out of the neighborhood kids this year.

CAMILLE: Oh, Zeek, we're not scaring the piss out of anybody.

ZEEK: Amber would like to scare the piss out of the neighborhood kids.

AMBER: I do. That's right up my alley, but I can't. I have to go to Kelsey's mom's benefit thing.

ZEEK: Uh, Sarah, you tell Amber that she's got to spend Halloween with her family.

SARAH: [Starts to leave.] I'm really sorry, dad. It's probably a bad time to tell you. But I can't be there either, um, 'cause I got to work at the bar.

ZEEK: Wow, wait a minute. Honey... Sweetheart, this is important to me.

SARAH: Dad, I don't make money at this day job. And, you know, it's a big night for tips. So, um… but I'll be wearing a costume.

AMBER: [Also leaving.] So will I. I will too.

SARAH: Hey, we'll send pictures.

AMBER: Yeah, we will.

SARAH: Okay. Bye.

ZEEK: [Feeling something behind him.] Hey. Blah. Well... [To Drew.] I guess it's just you and me, kid.

[NEW SCENE - Jabbar's new school.]

JASMINE: Don't you want to at least go inside and see what it's like?

JABBAR: What time will you pick me up?

CROSBY: Buddy, you're gonna be having so much fun, you're not even gonna want us to come back.

JASMINE: 2:30, right on the dot.

JABBAR: What if I don't feel good? Could I come home sooner?

CROSBY: Um... Dude, this is incredible. How did you do this?

JABBAR: Do what?

CROSBY: Do what? You have the best cubby in the whole class. It's blue, your favorite color. It's at waist level, so you don't hurt your back when you're putting your pack in there. Did you pay someone off to get it?

JABBAR: I didn't.

CROSBY: Maybe you're just lucky. You want to give it a shot? Let's see it.


BOY: Are you new? [Jabbar nods.] Do you want to see the class pet? His name is Marvin, and he eats crickets. Sometimes he leaves the heads.


CROSBY: Bye, buddy. Have a good day.


CROSBY: [whispering to Jasmine.] They were holding hands...

JASMINE: That is so cute.

CROSBY: The little guy with glasses.

[NEW SCENE - T&S warehouse, Sarah walks to Gordon's office, seeing it empty she leaves.]

SARAH: Hi. I was... How are you?

GORDON: Good. You?

SARAH: Good, good.

GORDON: Yeah? Okay. [They start to go their separate ways.] Oh, oh, oh.

SARAH: Yeah?

GORDON: Sarah, I've been meaning to tell you. Uh... The specs on the MX-20 are late, and, you know, that's your responsibility. And I need you to have the design team have that on my desk no later than tomorrow, okay?

SARAH: Right.


[Opening credits - featuring “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan]

[NEW SCENE - Doctor Pelikan's office.]

DR. PELIKAN: Halloween can be a very challenging holiday for these kids, honestly.

KRISTINA: Exactly.

DR. PELIKAN: It's no question.

ADAM: Okay, so... We just never go out in the world? We just sequester ourselves in our house?

DR. PELIKAN: What would you say would be the biggest challenges for Max with Halloween?

KRISTINA: Candles.

DR. PELIKAN: Candles?

KRISTINA: The people.

ADAM: Fire.

KRISTINA: The scary costumes.

DR. PELIKAN: He's uncomfortable with fire.

ADAM: But he has…

KRISTINA: That is a massive understatement.

ADAM: This is important to me.


ADAM: This is our family's holiday.

KRISTINA: That's because your family's insane.

ADAM: It's one holiday that we have where there isn't any family drama.

KRISTINA: Honey...

ADAM: And I would like my son to be a part of it.

KRISTINA: Actually, guess what. Okay, a few years ago, I celebrated Halloween. I didn't want Max to feel left out. So we sort of made a game out of it, okay? We turned off all the lights. And we hid from all the trick-or-treaters. We went upstairs, and we played a game of Monopoly with the flashlight.

ADAM: All right, doc, listen, bottom line, do we, or don't we?

DR. PELIKAN: You know, if Max wants to try this, why don't you follow his lead, Hmm?

ADAM: All right.

KRISTINA: Are you kidding? He's never done this before.

DR. PELIKAN: And I understand, and your concerns are completely valid. But if Max is truly motivated to try this, that's an opportunity that you don't want to pass by. I think the key to this is preparation. Preview for Max as much as you possibly can. Let him know exactly what he's going to be getting into ahead of time.

ADAM: All right.

DR. PELIKAN: Keep it small. I think, probably best just the three of you... This year.

ADAM: All right.


ADAM: Let's go for it, come on, as a family.


ADAM: Okay, it's gonna be great.

KRISTINA: All right. We're gonna go trick-or-treating.

ADAM: Thank you.

[NEW SCENE - Unknown empty apartment, Crosby and Jasmine are checking it out.]

JASMINE: This place is amazing. Ooh, I can put a vegetable garden out there.

CROSBY: No, you don't want to put a vegetable garden.

JASMINE: Yeah, I do.

CROSBY: No, 'cause then it'll just, the dog will run through it and mess it all up, and then we'll have to clean it all up.

JASMINE: What dog?

CROSBY: A dog. You know you you, a new place, a big, big lab maybe named Marley or something.

JASMINE: Yeah, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about, because I'm a cat person.

CROSBY: Grody. You're a cat person?


CROSBY: Cats suck. They're always licking themselves. They're narcissistic. They're kind of O.C.D. Dogs are way better. We got to get a dog.



JASMINE: You just said "we." You said we should…

CROSBY: No, I said…

JASMINE: "We got to get a dog."

CROSBY: I said you got to get a dog.

JASMINE: No, I'm pretty sure I heard you say "we."

CROSBY: Hmm, I don't think so. I think I said "you," meaning you and Jabbar, should get a... [To the realtor.] What's happening behind this door?

JASMINE: [To herself.] You said, "we," weirdo.

[NEW SCENE - Kristina and Max on the street outside their house.]

KRISTINA: Okay, Max, I want you to look at this. This is a ball, but it's really, on Halloween night, going to be a Jack-o'-lantern filled with fire and candles, okay? And there's gonna be people around, loud noises…

MAX: Well, the thing, the thing…

KRISTINA: People are gonna be…

MAX: I don't get it! I don't get it. I don't want a trick. So shouldn't I just say "treat," or just, like, "Give me candy"?

KRISTINA: Well, yeah, but, honey, I didn't make up the rules. I just know what it takes to get a mini-snickers or…

MAX: But what if someone gives me an almond joy? Do I have to take it?

KRISTINA: Well, yeah, you take it, and you're polite about it, but you can bring it home, and maybe dad'll eat it. He likes coconut.

MAX: Coconut looks like the saliva an ambush bug secretes in order to immobilize its prey. It's disgusting, who would want to eat saliva in order to immobilize someone?

KRISTINA: Your dad. He loves it. Okay, now we're here. Knock on the door… okay, go. Knock. There's no doorbell, so when that, just knock, hard. There might be an "old person" inside. That's good. [The door starts to open.] Okay, and we step back. That's good. That's good.

HADDIE: [Dressed in alien antennas.] Oh, happy Hallow's Eve.

KRISTINA: Oh, hi, old lady.

HADDIE: What a cute costume. What are you?

KRISTINA: [To Max] What do you say?

MAX: Thank you.

KRISTINA: No, you don't say "Thank you" yet. You say... Trick-or-treat! Argh!

HADDIE: Ohh. Ooh, scary! Take a piece of candy.

KRISTINA: Thank you. I love Necco wafers. We put this in the bag, and we don't eat it till we get home, 'cause I have to check it.

HADDIE: Just the one piece. Young man, would you like a candy piece?

KRISTINA: What do you say?

MAX: Thank you.

KRISTINA: No, you say…

HADDIE: Max, if you don't say, "trick-or-treat," I can't give you candy.

MAX: But even if I say, "trick-or-treat," it's not really Halloween, so I won't get candy. And even if it was Halloween, there's nothing in that bowl.

KRISTINA: It's true. We're pretending…

MAX: It's just air.

KRISTINA: …except you're practicing, okay?

HADDIE: There's nothing in this bowl.

MAX: Does anyone else have to practice?


MAX: Did you?


MAX: Why are you making me practice when no one else has to practice? [He goes inside.]

KRISTINA: It's just because we're practicing, Max.

MAX: Ten stickers!

KRISTINA: You get one sticker, and that's enough.

HADDIE: Sorry, mom. I just… I never know what to say. I tried.

KRISTINA: [To herself.] It's gonna be great.

[NEW SCENE - Julia's office.]

JULIA: Okay, this--this is what we need to get verified before…

SARAH: [At the doorway.] Hey! Turns out the Berkeley coffee near me is the Berkeley Coffee near you. I kissed my boss.

JULIA: [To co-worker.] Excuse us. Thank you.

SARAH: [To same co-worker.] Hi. Latte? [he doesn't take it] Hmm.

JULIA: And come in.

SARAH: Julia, I'm sure you have a million more important things to do, but I'm in the process of ruining my future. Can you help? Oh, here, uh, Eric in accounting usually gets something good.

JULIA: Okay, you kissed Gordon?

SARAH: Yes, I did.

JULIA: How, how…

SARAH: My boss, Adam's boss, the boss, you know? He was sexy and appealing. And he's got the hair that's, like, slicked back, except for when it flops forward.

JULIA: Oh, Sarah...

SARAH: I was powerless to stop myself. He made me feel smart. He made me feel like I was doing a good job. He, he made me feel like, for a minute, maybe I could be with the successful, good-looking guy.

JULIA: You can.

SARAH: No, I can't, Julia.

JULIA: Yes, you can.

SARAH: No, those guys like you, okay? They, they will kiss me in the parking lot and then never call me.

JULIA: Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

SARAH: I saw him at work today. He ignored me.

JULIA: Okay, I, I hate to quote mom here, but, you know, what she told us in high school.

SARAH: Um... You can get pregnant in a hot tub even if you don't have sex?

JULIA: What?

SARAH: Hmm? Oh.

JULIA: She said that?

SARAH: Maybe we got different talks. What did she say to you?

JULIA: She said, "Boys are dumb."

SARAH: Oh, that one. Yes, boys are dumb... Well, especially the ones I pick.

JULIA: [There is a nock at the door.] One minute, please. Thank you. Boys are dumb. Okay? It's not you. It's not, okay?

SARAH: I can't ever show my face there again. I acted like an idiot.

JULIA: What you're going to do is go back in there with your head held high. And you're gonna give Eric in accounting his latte.


JULIA: Yes. You're gonna hold your head high.


JULIA: Let's, let's do this. And you're not gonna let that jerk ruin your career, okay?

SARAH: [Laughing] My career. Julia, uh, I'm an intern and, uh, don't really have a career.

JULIA: This is your shot. Take it. Okay?

SARAH: You're right.

JULIA: Okay.

SARAH: Okay.

JULIA: Okay. Head up.

SARAH: Thanks, dude.

JULIA: Yeah, dude.

SARAH: Sorry. Hi. Sorry.

JULIA: Hello. Come in.

[NEW SCENE - Graham kitchen, Sydney is sitting on a stool at the counter in front of a laptop computer.]

JULIA: All right, let me, let me take you back here. Focus, okay. Let me take you back to the beginning on this. In 1963, I don't know if you know this...

JOEL: Oh, I love this story.

JULIA: But the United States passed an amendment to the Fair Labor Standards Act that gave women equality in the workplace. That's, that's so exciting. That was progress. That was... Important and, and this... Is, is just kind of...

SYDNEY: I like it because it's pink, and that's my favorite color.

JOEL: That's true.

JULIA: Yeah. But it kind of, it goes against everything that, that we as women have been struggling against for the last 50 years. You know, it's... It's, uh,it's...

JOEL: It's way too cold to be wearing that in October. I mean, look it, there's, like, no sleeves on that, hon.

SYDNEY: Miss California wears a fur coat. I'll wear that.

JOEL: I can't, I can't... Argue with...

SYDNEY: I really, really, really, really, really, really want it.

JULIA: Um, I'm gonna discuss it with your father.

JOEL: Fur coat.

JULIA: Did she, she said fur coat.

JOEL: Yeah.

JULIA: That's what she said?

JULIA: That's... I failed her, Joel.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby's houseboat, Jabbar is helping make the jack-o-lantern's for Halloween.]

JABBAR: And when it's my turn to be student of the week, I get to bring Marvin home for the whole weekend.

CROSBY: What exactly is Marvin?

JABBAR: Okay, he's this big. He has scales.

CROSBY: Oh, he has scales?

JASMINE: Well, one of the places we saw... Has a great playroom that I'm sure Marvin would love.

CROSBY: You still thinking about that one... With the smell?


CROSBY: That one?

JASMINE: What smell?

CROSBY: You know, that funky smell. It's kind of hard to describe. It was like canned soup or something. Buddy, you want to live in a place that smells like broccoli soup?

JABBAR: Nuh-uh.

CROSBY: Yeah, who would?

JASMINE: Hey, Jabbar, I hear the, uh, sailboat on the corner is decorated like a pirate ship for Halloween. Ohh... I bet you if you go on deck, you can see it.


JASMINE: Arr! Arr! Arr! But stay on the deck, okay?


JASMINE: [To Crosby once Jabbar leaves.] All right. What's going on?


JASMINE: What's going on?

CROSBY: Well, what's going on is I don't like that place. I think it's standard and boring.

JASMINE: I like it. It's close to the Bart. It's convenient.

CROSBY: Well, I thought you liked the place with the garden.

JASMINE: I do, I do. But it's, like, $500 more than I can afford.

CROSBY: Well, I don't want you to make a decision you're gonna regret, you know. The place with the garden is so much... Nicer.

JASMINE: Well... It's, it's my decision to make. It's my place... Right?

CROSBY: Yeah, right.

JASMINE: I'm gonna go check on him.

[NEW SCENE - Gordon's office.]



SARAH: Got a minute?

GORDON: I got a conference call. Uh, you know what? Never mind. Come on in. I, I've got a minute. What's doing?

SARAH: These are the specs you asked for. We went over them, and I think you'll be pleased.

GORDON: Terrific. Great. What else?

SARAH: Uh, just quickly, I was wondering, uh, if Bob Ingomar's order came in yet, you know, from the convention. He just seemed pleased…

GORDON: Sarah, that's not how it works. It's a process, negotiations, you know. It's not like it happens all of a sudden, poof, the very next day.

SARAH: Of course, yeah. Duh.

GORDON: But as soon as there's something to report, you'll be the first to know, when I send out the company-wide memo.

SARAH: Okay. Thanks. [Goes to leave.] I'm sorry, um, but... After everything you said to me... Really? The company-wide memo?

GORDON: I'm confused. Is, is there a problem?

SARAH: No, I just feel like you're, you're being weird.

GORDON: I'm, I'm running my company.

SARAH: Yes, but we kissed.

GORDON: We kissed, yeah.

SARAH: In a parking lot.

GORDON: Yeah, and it was fantastic.

SARAH: And now...

GORDON: Now... You want to know what's gonna happen next?

SARAH: No, please. Yeah, sort of.

GORDON: And you'd like to talk about it right now?

SARAH: No, no, no. I, I don't know.

GORDON: Sarah, look, I, I think you're a wonderful, lovely woman.

SARAH: Okay. Never mind. Forget it. No, that's okay.

GORDON: No, no, no. Wait, wait. Hear me out. You don't understand. You know, I've got a conference call that I'm three minutes late for, and, you know, to be honest...

SARAH: Please be honest.

GORDON: Be honest. Um... We have very different lifestyles.

SARAH: What does that mean?

GORDON: That means that, uh, you have kids, and I have a boat.

SARAH: Having a boat is a lifestyle?

GORDON: We're acting like teenagers.

SARAH: No, no, no, maybe I'm not teenager enough for you.

GORDON: Well, you know, that's not fair. Hey, please. Sarah, please.

SARAH: Okay, you know what? You're right. I'm sorry. Let's forget it. Let's forget the whole thing ever happened. I really like my job. That's what matters. Let's just forget it.


SARAH: I'm fine. I'll wait for the memo.

[NEW SCENE - Max's bedroom, he is playing with Lego and not really listening to Zeek as he talks.]

ZEEK: Well, I trust that your father has explained to you the importance of the Braverman Halloween… I mean, sure, it's about decorating the yard and scaring the hell out of the obnoxious neighbor twits. [Kristina stops just outside the room to listen.] But it's a lot more than that, really... To me. Halloween was the last holiday that your grandmother and I got to spend together before I shipped off to basic. You know what that is? Army training. Fort Benning, Georgia, ah, there's a total hellhole. That's a story for another time, yeah. The point is that Camille and I spent that Halloween like it was Christmas, New Year's, and Easter... All wrapped up together. Oh, Max, we had a time. So I missed a few holidays after that, but, see, I always had... The memory of that Halloween. And that's why it's special. Here you go.

MAX: What is it?

ZEEK: For you. Your grandma made it for you. Your dad has one just like it, Haddie too. Now you got one.

MAX: Do you think I'll be able to get enough candy to fill it?

ZEEK: Oh, Max, we are sure as hell gonna try.

MAX: I'm gonna go test out how much it can fit.

KRISTINA: Hey, bud.

[NEW SCENE - Kristina and Adam walk down a suburban street decorated for Halloween.]

KRISTINA: Okay, we've got the Ehrins, the Hendersons, and the Carpenters. They're all on board to use the safety sticks for their Jack-o'-Lanterns.

ADAM: Great, and I spoke with the Guggenheims, so that's taken care of.

KRISTINA: Perfect, uh-huh.

ADAM: All right?


ADAM: Awesome.

KRISTINA: Awesome. Good job.

ADAM: Hey, look at that dog.

KRISTINA: Huh. Aw, hi. Look how cute you are.

MAN: Hello.


MAN: This is Morgan.

KRISTINA: Hi, Morgan.

MAN: Hey.

KRISTINA: Um, do you live around here?

MAN: I do. I'm, uh, just around the corner here, on sycamore...

ADAM: Okay.


MAN: The one with the doghouse in the front...

KRISTINA: Perfect.

MAN: Morgan's headquarters.

KRISTINA: I love, love, love Sycamore. Wow, are you cute. Well, listen, my husband and I are out walking and just, we're passing these out to neighbors to maybe put in their Jack-o'-Lanterns this year instead of candles.

ADAM: My son's afraid of fire.

MAN: Oh.

KRISTINA: Yeah, we have orange, and we have yellow.

MAN: Yeah.

KRISTINA: He has Asperger's. And I don't even know why he wants to go trick-or-treating.

ADAM: It's no big deal.

MAN: Okay.

KRISTINA: But he just wants to go. So if you wouldn't mind putting these in your Jack-o'-Lantern instead of...

MAN: Yeah, I, I could put 'em in the Pumpkin. They're okay for the dog?

KRISTINA: Even better for the dog.

MAN: Yeah?


ADAM: It's not fire.

MAN: All right.

KRISTINA: Thank you.

ADAM: Thank you.

MAN: Come on, Mac daddy.

ADAM: See ya, Mac daddy.

KRISTINA: Okay, daddy-o.

ADAM: All right listen…

KRISTINA: Honey, I don't know how we're gonna do all this. This is impossible. There's a house over there that I don't…

ADAM: Can we just pause for a second and note the absurdity of trying to completely remove fire from Halloween?

KRISTINA: Okay, well, you know what? Let's stay home, then. Well play Monopoly again.

ADAM: Hey...

KRISTINA: That was fun.

ADAM: You know, I forgot to tell you that Julia called, and she and Joel are gonna bring Sydney over. And then Crosby got wind of it, so they're gonna come over too.

KRISTINA: Honey, they can't. Dr. Pelikan specifically said to keep the group small.

ADAM: Yeah, they're all trying to be supportive of Max, okay? What am I supposed to say?

[NEW SCENE - Amber's bedroom, Kelsey is texting on her phone.]

AMBER: Anyway, the point is is that my whole family's gonna go, and I just... I feel really guilty about not being there, you know? Excuse me. Hello? Are you listening to me, guy?

KELSEY: Um, yes, yes. Okay, your family has some psychotic love of Halloween.

AMBER: That's what I said.

KELSEY: [Showing here a message on the phone.] In other news...

AMBER: Oh. Joy. Howard has invited us to a frat party. That's...

KELSEY: Awesome?

AMBER: So exciting.

KELSEY: Awesome, yes.

AMBER: Where is it?

KELSEY: It's across the bay. And it's gonna be incredible.

AMBER: No, we're not going.

KATIE: And we are totally going.

AMBER: No, we're not going.

KELSEY: So, um...

AMBER: I'm not going across the bay to a frat party with Howard. No.

KELSEY: Yeah. Why do you say it like that? Because it's gonna be amazing.

AMBER: [Sighs]

[NEW SCENE - Julia dressing Sydney like a Miss California.]

JULIA: You know how... We've talked about... It's wrong to judge people by the way that they look, right? [Sydney nods] And do you know how beauty contestants are judged?

SYDNEY: Mm... Talent, swimsuit, and interview.

JULIA: Right. [Joel enters with a camera.] Well, mostly they're judged by how they look. And that's wrong, so... All I'm saying is we do still have your ladybug costume... You know, in, in the case that you decide you have moral issues with what you're wearing. Okay, um, why don't we, why don't we just put this on, sweetie? Let's see how it looks with the, with the tiara thing. Okay.

JOEL: Okay. Wow. There's my, okay, let's take a... Even with the hand. Now, look at that. Cheese.

[NEW SCENE - Sarah working at the bar.]

SARAH: Thank you. Guys. Ah, Martini for the Panda. You thought I forgot. I'll take those, thank you.

GORDON: Trick-or-treat.

SARAH: Hi. Hi. Wow. What are you doing here?

GORDON: Can you talk?

SARAH: Um, not really.

GORDON: I'll have a beer.

SARAH: Okay.

GORDON: You're completely right about me everything you said.


GORDON: I only date younger women. The kid thing was always a deal breaker. And then there's the fact that I am your boss. We are a terrible idea.

SARAH: Well, thank you so much for coming here to tell me that.

GORDON: I, I'll have another one. Please, another beer. Hey, uh, Count... That one's for you. One more, please. Thanks.

SARAH: There's nothing I can do about my age, you know? And, um, the kids I'd happily give up, but I really like my job, so... We're at an impasse.

GORDON: Then I'll have another beer, okay? Sweetheart, this is for you. And another and another and another, however many it takes to get you to understand that even though you are absolutely wrong for me, I can't stop thinking about you.

SARAH: Gordon... My boss... Maybe it's the cat suit. You'll, you'll get over it.

GORDON: I love it when people say no to me. I'm just gonna stick around for a while, if it's okay with you.

[NEW SCENE - Kristina goes over the plans for Halloween with the rest of the parents. Adam is behind Kristina rubbing her shoulders.]

KRISTINA: Okay, guys, Halloween 101. I've got the map out right here. From Sycamore, right here, are you guys listening?

JOEL: Yeah.

KRISTINA: Anybody listening?


KRISTINA: We're gonna make a right onto Oak Street. Honey, I'm fine, really.

ADAM: All right. [Adam pulls back from the shoulder massage.]

KRISTINA: We're gonna cut through the park to avoid Elm Street. Under no circumstances are we to go down Elm. You got it?

JULIA: Okay.

KRISTINA: There's a really scary house on Elm Street.

CROSBY: It is quite literally a nightmare on Elm Street.

ADAM: Come on, I know that this seems insane, but we're just trying to help out Max.

JULIA: No, yeah, we're 1,000% behind you. Whatever route we need to take is absolutely fine.

KRISTINA: Thank you. I just want the kids to have fun too, though. I want Jabbar to have fun.

ADAM: Honey, glow sticks. Max is afraid of fire.

KRISTINA: Okay, I got all of these light sticks here, because I wanted people to pass them out. Max is really afraid of candles and...

ADAM: Fire, generally.

JASMINE: They'll have plenty of candy.

ZEEK: [Entering the kitchen.] Come on, let's get going. What's the holdup? Jeez, let's go. Come on.

KRISTINA: I'm ready.

ZEEK: The kids are waiting. Come on.

ADAM: Okay.

JULIA: Um, all right.

JOEL: Hey!

ZEEK: Oh, no Braverman left behind.

[NEW SCENE - On the suburban street trick-or-treating.]

KRISTINA: Miss you. [To Max]

CROSBY: There he is! There's my favorite Jedi Knight. [To Jabbar.]

JOEL: Wait, now, hold up.

JULIA: Wait for your...

ADAM: How's it going? You having a good time?

MAX: Yeah.

ADAM: Yeah?

MAX: Why do you keep asking me that?

ADAM: Don't have to ask you again.

KRISTINA: Okay, be careful. Let's see. 664 Sycamore, Whoo, here we go.

ADAM: Is that on, is that on the official list?

KRISTINA: It is on the official list. Here we are, lady with green hair.

ADAM: All right.

KRISTINA: Okay, Max, when you get up there, ring the doorbell, say, "Thank you, trick-or-treat." And tell 'em what you are. You're a cockroach.

ADAM: Honey, honey...


ADAM: He's fine. Relax.

KRISTINA: I'm relaxed. You know what helps me relax, you telling me to relax.

MAX: Trick-or-treat!

[NEW SCENE - Frat party with Amber and Kesley.]

KELSEY: Banana butt, let's go.

AMBER: I'm going as fast as I can. I'm in a banana suit. Did I drop my…

KELSEY: Why did you wear that thing? Oh, my God.

AMBER: It's funny!

KELSEY: Hi. It's not cute.

AMBER: Sorry.

KELSEY: Hey, come on. Seriously.

AMBER: Sorry.

KELSEY: Hey, hey. We're looking for Howard. Do you know him?

FRAT BOY: Yeah, I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Come on in. Come on. Welcome. Let me go get you something real quick.

KELSEY: Thank you. He was cute. You should, um, ask him about his major or something. When he comes back.

AMBER: I can't flirt in a banana suit.

KELSEY: I told you to wear something different.

AMBER: That guy is disgusting.

KELSEY: Banana suit, seriously. Come on.

[Amber spots Howard kissing another girl.]

AMBER: Um, hey, let's go on a fun tour of the house. We could get some smokes and a, and a drink.

KELSEY: Okay, weirdo.

AMBER: Come on. [Kelsey sees them.] Oh, boy. [Howards sees them and Amber tries to get Kelsey out of there.] Okay. Okay, buddy. Come on. Here we go. Excuse me.

[NEW SCENE - Back with the kids trick-or-treating.]

CROSBY: So we've seen, like, four places for her and Jabbar to move into.

ADAM: Well, how does that make you feel? Do you feel like you want to move in with them?

CROSBY: Well, yeah, course. A part of me does, you know. I'm going to all these houses with her, and I want to be a part of all that.

ADAM: Uh-huh.

CROSBY: But at the same time, I'll be sitting at another house looking at the yard and the pantry and all the other crap you and Kristina have.

ADAM: And that scares you?

CROSBY: Well, all of a sudden, it's like ten years in the future, and I'm you.


CROSBY: And it's daunting. I mean, no offense.

ADAM: Yeah.

MAN: Say, "trick-or-treat."

BOY: Trick-or-treat.

ADAM: So what, uh... Did you talk to Jasmine about it, how you feel?


ADAM: Why not? What do you expect her to do, read your mind?

CROSBY: Well, yeah. It would help. I'm emotionally stunted. I blame dad.

ADAM: Really? I always blamed mom.

CROSBY: I think she played a role too in this whole package.

ADAM: Crosby, honestly, I don't get you sometimes. You got this incredible kid, you got this beautiful girl, who, you know, none of us can, for the life of us, figure out why she's so in love with you. What's the problem?

CROSBY: I don't know, man, it's just, you know, she moved back and forth to New York, and... I don't know how I feel. How did, how did you know, you know, with Kristina when it was… the time?

ADAM: I just felt it. We were at this game, eating... Cheese fries, and... She looked at me, smiled... And bam, I... Didn't want to eat cheese fries with anybody but her, you know?

CROSBY: All right. You don't even eat cheese fries, though, anymore.

ADAM: Don't miss the boat.

CROSBY: You're like the cholesterol cops now.

ADAM: Don't miss the boat, all right? I eat metaphorical cheese fries now.


[NEW SCENE - Back at the bar with Sarah.]

SARAH: Hi. Here you go. Awesome techno. Really, not driving me crazy at all. [Her phone rings.] Hi. What? Talk louder… No… Oh, Amber. Where are you?... God, I have no idea where that is, text me the address. All right, I'll be there soon.

GORDON: Hey, when do you get off?

SARAH: Bobby, can I get my purse? I'll call you guys later and fill you in. Thanks. Just cover for me.

GORDON: What's going on?

SARAH: Uh, kids. You don't like 'em, remember?

GORDON: Wait, wait. You seem like you're upset.

SARAH: I am upset. My daughter's with her supposedly perfect friend, who got so drunk, she can't drive her home. So now I have to go find them at some party across the bay.

GORDON: I'll take you. Let me drive you.

SARAH: Take, I don't even know where I'm going. I barely even know the city that well.

GORDON: Look, come on. I've got a super-fast car. I'm a super-fast driver. I'll get you there in a flash, as long as I don't get us killed.

SARAH: You really are persistent.

GORDON: Come on, we'll go for some after-hours Sushi. It's gonna be hot.

[NEW SCENE - Back at the trick-or-treating.]

SYDNEY: No, I want to go to the haunted house!

ADAM: Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Kristina, I thought that we were gonna take the kids through the park. That was the plan.

KRISTINA: Exactly, that was the plan.

ADAM: What happened?

SYDNEY: Mom I want to go to the haunted house!

JOEL: Some of the kids wanted to head up to the big house.

KRISTINA: You know what we're gonna do, Max? You know what? We're not gonna go up there.

MAX: No, no, if the little kids can go, then so can I. I can too!

ADAM: Max, it's just there are a lot of candles up there, okay? And we know how you feel about candles, so...

SYDNEY: Well, what's wrong with candles?

JULIA: Well...

ZEEK: Hold it, hold it, hold it Hey, kids, kids, come here a sec. Huddle up here.

MAX: No, if the little kids want to go to the haunted house, if they can, then I can too.

KRISTINA: Okay, I think we should just go home. Let's call it a night. Let's go.

MAX: No, no! If the little kids can do this, then so can I! If the little kids can, then so can I.

ADAM: Okay, you know what, Max? You're right. You know what? Max is right, everybody. Let's all go to the haunted house together.

ZEEK: Is that the plan?

ADAM: Let's go.


ADAM: Just head on up the. You all right?

CROSBY: The dead man has spoken.

[NEW SCENE - Back at the frat party. Kelsey is in the pool, fully dressed.]

FRAT BOY: Hey, that is a party girl! That is a party girl.

CROWD: Party girl! Party girl!

SARAH: Amber...

CROWD: Party girl! Party girl! Party girl!

SARAH: Amber!

AMBER: Mom. Here, here. The banana.

SARAH: Ph my God. Wow. What happened?

AMBER: She's wasted. She's just, like, in the pool.

SARAH: Where is she?

AMBER: She won't get out.

SARAH: In the pool?


SARAH: Oh, God. Is she, okay, just...

AMBER: Please, I want to go home.

GORDON: I'm Gordon.

AMBER: Amber.

GORDON: Pleasure.

SARAH: Kelsey, it's Sarah. Hey.

KELSEY: Hi, Sarah.

SARAH: Hi, it's Amber's mom. Come get out of the pool. Let us take you home.

HOWARD: Kelsey, please get out of the pool. You're making a fool of yourself.

AMBER: Shut up!

SARAH: Uh, Kelsey, honey... You got to be cold in there.

GORDON: Excuse me.

SARAH: Yeah.

GORDON: Hold that for me. [Handing over his wallet and keys.]

SARAH: Okay. Kelsey, sweetie, just come up here, and let's talk about it. It's just a boy. It's no big deal.

AMBER: He's an idiot.

SARAH: He's probably an idiot. Let's go home, okay?

AMBER: Yeah, we'll have fun.

SARAH: It'll be really fun. [Seeing Gordon in the pool.] Oh my God.

CROWD: Don't get out! Don't get out!

GORDON: Whoo! Ohh, here we go, honey. [The crowd boo's as he drags Kelsey out.] You okay?

AMBER: Wow, he's kind of amazing.

SARAH: Yeah.

[NEW SCENE - Back at the trick-or-treating.]

ADAM: Just give us a couple more seconds, guys.

MAX: None of the other parents are going up. I'm, I'm going alone.

ADAM: Right, okay. Just let him do his thing.

KRISTINA: Honey... Honey, this is not a good idea.

ADAM: Okay. All right.

KRISTINA: There are candles everywhere.

JULIA: It's all good?

ADAM: It's all good. It's all clear.

CROSBY: Hey, buddy...

ADAM: All right, guys, have fun.

KRISTINA: Max, I will be right here for you. I will not move.

ADAM: We'll be right here, Max.

JABBAR: Come on, Max. Let's go!

CROSBY: Don't run.

KRISTINA: This is a terrible idea, horrible idea.

ADAM: Listen, either way, there was a chance of a meltdown, okay?

KRISTINA: No, but he's gonna completely lose it.

ADAM: All right, look... He's still heading up there.

KRISTINA: Okay. Squeeze my hand. Hold it. Hold it tighter.

ADAM: I'm holding your hand.

KRISTINA: Come on, buddy.

[Max slowly makes his way up to the haunted house as the family watches.]

SYDNEY: Thank you!

JABBAR: Thank you.

[There is a tense wait for Max.]

MAX: Mom, dad!

ADAM: Yeah, yep? Right here.

MAX: Mom! Dad!

ADAM: Right here.


MAX: Mom!

ADAM: Yeah.


MAX: Look what I got. I got...

ADAM: What do you got?

MAX: Look, I got a spider ring. Look, the head's kind of like a black widow but the body's more like a parson spider.

KRISTINA: He got a spider ring.

ADAM: All right.

KRISTINA: Whoo-hoo!

ADAM: Yeah. Come on. Show grandpa and grandma your spider ring.

KRISTINA: You got a spider ring!

CAMILLE: That's pretty cool, Max.

MAX: Next house.

ZEEK: Did you get another one?

MAX: Let's go. Next house.

JOEL: Off he goes.

KRISTINA: I just had a heart attack.

ADAM: Yeah, right?

ZEEK: He's a Braverman.

KRISTINA: Oh, my God.

[NEW SCENE - Braverman living room.]

KELSEY: You were right about Howard. He's such a douche.

AMBER: I know. It's that name. You can't trust a guy named Howard.

SARAH: Here you go. [Handing them some tea.] Feelin' okay?

KELSEY: I'm so embarrassed.

SARAH: Oh, no, don't, don't worry about it. I've totally been there.

KELSEY: I'm sorry I threw up in your boyfriend's Beemer. [Gordon enters.] I'm sorry.

GORDON: Good as new.

AMBER: I feel terrible.

[Gordon and Sarah go to the kitchen.]

SARAH: Is the car okay?

GORDON: It, it's a lease. I got another month.

SARAH: How about your suede jacket?

GORDON: I'm just glad she's okay.

SARAH: Thank you. I mean, really. You were just great tonight.

GORDON: Oh, it was nothing.

SARAH: No, I mean, for a guy who says he's not into kids, you're really good with them.

GORDON: Not really, just... Good with, uh, drunk women. My ex.

SARAH: Oh… Huh… Well... This is my life. I live with my parents.

GORDON: I like it.

SARAH: Thanks. My son is very quiet and withdrawn and, and really needs me, but he acts like he doesn't. And, uh... My daughter, you've, you've met. It's, it's kind of freaky.

GORDON: You know, it, um, oddly... Doesn't freak me out.

SARAH: It doesn't? It terrifies me.

GORDON: Maybe a little bit. But, you know, what that, what's that girl's name again?

SARAH: Kelsey.

GORDON: Kelsey said that thing about me being your boyfriend... I didn't completely hate the sound of that.

SARAH: Really? I didn't hate it either.

GORDON: Um... If I were to kiss you again, you wouldn't get... Weird on me or ignore me at work or pretend like it never happened, would you?

SARAH: Would you?

[NEW SCENE - Graham house, Julia and Joel outside Sydney's bedroom.]

JULIA: That was a terrifying glimpse into our future.

JOEL: Yeah, I don't think… we, we got a couple years until we have to worry about her actually wearing makeup.

JULIA: [Whispering] It's coming, right? It's coming.

JOEL: Yeah, and there's not a damn thing we can do to stop it.

JULIA: Can you promise me something? Promise me that with the next one, time will slow down. It will, it will actually... Slow down.

JOEL: I promise.

JULIA: You just lied to me, didn't you?

JOEL: Yes. Yes, you did.

JULIA: [They hug] Mmm. I just don't want the little-kid phase to be over. It's too fast.

JOEL: I know.

JULIA: Okay.

JOEL: Okay. Oh...

[They open the door to see Sydney jumping on her bed.]

SYDNEY: I love candy! I love chocolate! This is my favorite holiday!

JOEL: Yeah.

[NEW SCENE - Kristina and Adam in their living room. They are both eating the spoils from their night trick-or-treating.]

KRISTINA: Mmm, Mmm, Mmm.


KRISTINA: You look sexy.

ADAM: Thank you.

KRISTINA: Okay. What is that?

ADAM: Pretty much like I hit a home run.

KRISTINA: Oh, go really? [Laughing at him posing.]

ADAM: I'll tell you what. Next year, if you want, we can play flashlight Monopoly.


ADAM: Why not?

KRISTINA: 'Cause we're officially a trick-or-treating family now, honey.

ADAM: Oh, yeah.

KRISTINA: Max had so much fun. I'm not going back to that.

ADAM: I am so tired, I can't even remember if I gave the speech or if I just did it in my head.

All right, it goes something like this. Honey... I love you. And I want to thank you for everything you did to make tonight work.

KRISTINA: You're welcome.

ADAM: All right?


ADAM: And I want to thank you for the safety lights, for the maps, for harassing all the neighbors, for putting up with my family and putting up with me, and... I just want to thank you for all the planning, you know, and the fact that you were willing to go see Dr. Pelikan and go along with it. And, honestly, I don't know how you make everything work all the time, but you do, you're amazing. So I got you a little something. [Shows her some candy.] It's the last one.

KRISTINA: Honey, that's very sweet. Thank you.

ADAM: I love you, honey. Hey, thank you.

KRISTINA: This was really sweet of you. And I hate Halloween. But I love you.

ADAM: It's every cotton swab's favorite candy.

[NEW SCENE - Crosby's houseboat.]

CROSBY: What are you doing? You stealing from our kid? Are you kidding me?

JASMINE: Ah, this is my favorite part of Halloween.

CROSBY: Oh, yes.

JASMINE: Mmm. What?


JASMINE: I got chocolate on my face?

CROSBY: Uh-huh, you do. You look super cute, though. I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing than sitting on the floor with you, pillaging our son's candy.

JASMINE: Yeah, me too.



CROSBY: I'm sorry I got weird during the house hunting. I just, what I should have said to you is that... I don't want you guys to me into a house without me. I want in. I don't want to live without you. Come here. Hop up on your knees.

JASMINE: Why? [He picks up a spider ring.] What are you doing?

CROSBY: I think I'm, I'm going, well, no, I'm definitely gonna... Jasmine...


CROSBY: aka Pocahontas... I've done some pretty awesome things in my life, jumped helicopters, the Snake River Canyon, but nothing would be as awesome as marrying you. Will you marry me?

[Screen fades to black without an answer.]

Episode End
2.06 - Orange Alert
Original Airdate (NBC) October 19, 2010
Written by Sarah Watson
Directed by Adam Davidson

Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com

Please Don't Use Without Permission!

This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
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