[Opening scene - Adam enters his kitchen carrying an open box. Kristina is working on the fridge calendar.]
ADAM: Okay, honey, why do we wind up with so much crap? It's endless.
KRISTINA: That's not crap.
ADAM: We just have to start throwing more stuff out.
KRISTINA: My candy cane. [She picks it up.]
ADAM: For every one thing that comes into the house, something else has to go out. No.
KRISTINA: Sounds good. I'm looking at this calendar, and nothing is making sense. I can't, like, figure this out. I've overbooked things. Is there any way that you can take Max on Tuesday to Dr. Pelikan at 4:00?
ADAM: Honey, you know how hard it is for me to take off early.
KRISTINA: I know, but I have to meet with the O.T., okay? They put Max with somebody completely incompetent, and I don't want him going with that person. It's just
ADAM: All right, fine.
KRISTINA: Yeah? Okay, perfect.
ADAM: I can take him. But if I have to leave work early on Tuesday, then you're gonna have to cover Haddie's school night on Wednesday, so I can work late.
KRISTINA: Okay, but what about your son?
ADAM: Have your daughter watch him.
KRISTINA: She's got the election. She has to focus.
ADAM: All right, let me crack this thing.
KRISTINA: It makes no sense.
ADAM: Let me look. Let me look.
KRISTINA: See? How can we be in tow places
CROSBY: [Entering the house] Hey, mom and dad's washer broke. Do you guys mind if I do a load?
ADAM: No, no, no, make yourself at home.
CROSBY: Is that your schedule?
CROSBY: Put basketball on there. You haven't played in, like, three months.
ADAM: Yeah, I'll pencil it in. It's just that simple.
KRISTINA: I am going for a walk right now with Suze Lessing.
KRISTINA: Why? To exercise.
ADAM: All right.
KRISTINA: I love you.
ADAM: I just thought we were gonna throw more of this stuff away.
KRISTINA: I need new insoles too. My shoes are not working correctly. I love you. Bye, Crosby.
[NEW SCENE - Laundry room, Crosby is listening to his iPod.]
ADAM: Hey! [He doesn't hear.] Hey!
CROSBY: Huh? Yeah? You want to check this out? [Offers Adam one ear bud.]
CROSBY: It's the Henry Clay People. I just mixed this. Coming out next week. We're having a listening party at the studio tomorrow. You should come. [Puts the ear bud back in.]
ADAM: Yeah, I work on Monday...
ADAM: I work on Monday.
CROSBY: Yeah, yeah.
ADAM: What are you doing?
CROSBY: It's at 4:00 P.M
ADAM: What are you doing?
CROSBY: There's an open bar, why don't you come?
ADAM: I can't make it. What are you doing?
CROSBY: I'm doing laundry.
ADAM: What are you doing here? Where's Jabbar?
CROSBY: Oh, uh, he's with Renee at the movies.
ADAM: And you're okay with that?
CROSBY: Yeah, he gets to watch a cartoon movie, and I get to watch the Niners. It's kind of a win-win, don't you think?
ADAM: Yeah, yeah, that's great. Uh, you know what? Whatever. He's your kid.
CROSBY: You know, there was a lot less judgment when I did my laundry at mom and dad's.
ADAM: Hey, don't, don't overload that, I'm serious.
CROSBY: What do you mean don't, you got the diesel truck of washing machines. You got to test this thing.
ADAM: How do you think mom and dad's washer broke in the first place?
CROSBY: 'Cause they didn't push it. You got to lean into these things.
ADAM: Don't overload the washer.
CROSBY: They want to make you proud.
ADAM: Don't overload the washer. If that thing breaks, you're paying for it.
CROSBY: I'm gonna overload it. I'm gonna put shoes in it, too, and boots, work boots.
[NEW SCENE - Julia and Sydney enter their house.]
JULIA: All right, you.
JOEL: Jules... Check this out.
JOEL: I just need some assistance.
JOEL: If you could, uh, lock me in here. All right?
JULIA: Let's go with that one.
JOEL: You sure? You can't go any tighter?
JULIA: No, I don't, ow, sorry.
JOEL: It's no big deal to me. Awesome. Right, there's no way I'm getting out of this, right?
JULIA: Uh, no.
JOEL: I'm sealed in.
JOEL: Okay. [He tries to escape the handcuff chains.] Blast. Okay, you know what? This is... All right, it, okay, just
JULIA: What is all this about?
JOEL: You know what? It's hobby day at Sydney's school. Just got a
JULIA: Oh, and magic is your hobby?
JOEL: It is now, yeah. Mm-hmm.
JOEL: 'Cause I don't have a hobby, Jules.
JULIA: So you're pretending to have a hobby?
JOEL: Do you want to do hobby day? 'Cause I just spent three hours looking online how to make this crap work.
[NEW SCENE - School, Haddie and Amber sit at a table under some trees.]
HADDIE: [Reading her speech.] "To conclude, I think I am the best candidate for Junior-Class President, because I will listen to you, and I have lots of good ideas for community service, like a magazine drive and collecting canned foods. I'm responsible and committed, and I will be approachable. My door is always open, and I will fight for you. So remember, vote Haddie"
Stop texting and listen to me.
AMBER: Alright, I'm listening.
HADDIE: "So remember, vote Haddie Braverman for Junior-Class President. Thank you very much."
AMBER: Are you gonna do that?
HADDIE: But what do you think?
AMBER: It's, uh...
HADDIE: You don't. You're not into it.
AMBER: Well, I mean... I'm taking a nap, but I don't think that necessarily means that it's bad. I'm sorry.
AMBER: It's not, it's not bad.
HADDIE: It's not good.
AMBER: It just sounds like my grandmother wrote it.
HADDIE: Okay. So what parts, what's specifically wrong with it?
AMBER: I mean
HADDIE: I need to have a doughnut. I can't deal with this.
AMBER: First of all, pizza parties?
HADDIE: What? We have pizza parties.
AMBER: How old are we? No. You got to grab them and hook them, you know what I mean? You got to do something to make them remember you, like, you know, wear a funny hat.
HADDIE: Wear a funny hat?
AMBER: You know, have that be your thing. Remember that guy, Scott Sussman?
AMBER: He puts "The 'stud' in student council?"
HADDIE: Right, I don't think that's funny.
AMBER: It's amazing.
HADDIE: It's not student
AMBER: Because the word "stud" is in the word "student."
HADDIE: It's not 'stud-ent' council. It doesn't make sense.
HADDIE: You pronounce it wrong, and then the whole thing goes out the window.
HADDIE: It's lazy, is really what it is.
AMBER: The point is, the guy got elected.
HADDIE: I see what you're saying. Okay.
[NEW SCENE - Drew and Holly study at the Braverman house. Sarah looks on from the doorway.]
DREW: Well, is this the anaphase?
HOLLY: Uh, it looks like the ana
DREW: What is the order?
HOLLY: Well, okay, I think that goes there. All right, so just keep it. Yeah, let's put it back. You got it? All right, I'll do it. Okay, and...
DREW: These need to be switched?
HOLLY: You have something here.
HOLLY: Okay, so what
CAMILLE: you're spying again.
SARAH: I'm not spying.
CAMILLE: Yeah, you are.
SARAH: No, I'm just looking. Mom, the girl likes him, you know?
HADDIE: Yeah, like...
DREW: Like that.
CAMILLE: They're doing a science project together.
SARAH: Because she asked to be his lab partner. She likes him, and he does not know what to do. I'm going in.
SARAH: Hey, how's it going?
HOLLY: Uh, good. We think we've figured out mitosis, so...
SARAH: Well, I hope there's a cure for that. Do you need anything? Did, did you want some lemonade or, um, cookies or...?
DREW: Yeah, if this were, like, 1950. Thanks.
SARAH: Well, perhaps I'll bring you a Martini and some pot. I was just kidding. That's, you should not do drugs or drink. Uh, you know, stay in school.
DREW: we're already in school.
SARAH: Don't cut your own bangs. These are just a few of my mottos. Okay, fine. I'll, uh, see you later.
DREW: She's, like, a pain in the ass. I don't know...
HOLLY: It's okay. She's actually kind of funny.
[Opening credits - featuring Forever Young by Bob Dylan]
[NEW SCENE - Suze and Kristina power walking down a suburban street.]
SUZE: I woke up one morning, and I realized Phil and I were boring. Phil and I were never boring. We did it all, you know, kayaking, dance classes, tantric sex.
KRISTINA: Tantric sex? [Giggles] Did you?
SUZE: Oh, yeah!
SUZE: Oh, Kristina, we were wild.
KRISTINA: That's crazy.
SUZE: Wild. And then with Noel, you know, there was just so much worrying and so much work and...
SUZE: Well, you guys know how it is, with the school stuff and the doctor visits and constantly juggling a million different things and always arguing about it, you think to yourself, you know, you realize you stop making time for each other, stop making time for yourselves, and you think you're not gonna be one of those 80%. It's not gonna be you, you know?
KRISTINA: 80% what?
SUZE: Oh, you never heard that statistic?
SUZE: Oh, yeah. 80% of marriages with a child with autism end in divorce.
KRISTINA: Are you kidding?
SUZE: No, no. Our marriage counsellor told us. It's, like a stone-cold fact. Oh, God, I'm scaring you.
KRISTINA: No, I just never heard that before.
SUZE: Oh, I'm sorry, Kristina. I'm an idiot.
KRISTINA: You're not.
SUZE: You and Adam are totally different. You're, like, this great couple.
[NEW SCENE - Kristina in her bathroom brushing her teeth.]
KRISTINA: We should go out.
ADAM: What do you mean "we should go out"?
KRISTINA: Well, I mean, our date night has completely evaporated.
ADAM: Yeah, I don't like that term "date night."
KRISTINA: That's okay. You can call it whatever you want.
ADAM: It's just
KRISTINA: I want it back.
ADAM: When you say
KRISTINA: I think about this Thursday night.
ADAM: "Date night," I feel like there's pressure. It's like we're screwed before we even get out of the gate.
KRISTINA: Okay, that's fine. But let's do it, Thursday night. Haddie can babysit.
ADAM: Honey, this is a crazy week. I can't.
KRISTINA: Why is it crazy?
ADAM: Because of everything I got going on at work. I can't do it this week.
KRISTINA: Adam, every week is crazy
ADAM: Yeah but.
but if we don't set aside time for each other, nobody else is gonna do it. Let's do it. I can get Haddie to babysit. Thursday.
KRISTINA: Great, awesome.
ADAM: We'll go to Pedro's.
ADAM: Pedro's is fun. I thought we liked Pedro's.
KRISTINA: Pedro's is sort of, like, a taco and margarita place. I want a real date, like a date date, Adam, you know, where we get dressed up and connect.
ADAM: Connect? See, now I like that word.
KRISTINA: I wasn't talking about just sex, I meant, like, a real date, Adam, I'm serious.
ADAM: We're on.
KRISTINA: Thursday night?
ADAM: Thursday night.
[They high-5 each other]
KRISTINA: Reclaim it.
ADAM: Date night.
KRISTINA: Date night. [She goes back to using the electric tooth brush.]
ADAM: I am so excited.
[NEW SCENE - Julia at Sydney's school, in a hall taking to a teacher.]
JULIA: Thanks. I'm running to the office. I'll see you next time.
TEACHER: Talk to you.
JULIA: All right.
[She walks past a class room and stops for a moment.]
MAGICIAN: Check this out. If you like that, you'll love this. Whatever you do, don't try this at home. Always go to your grandmother's house.
[She see Sydney watching the magic show. Walking away Julia dials her cell phone.]
JULIA: Hi. Um, fine. But you're gonna need a new hobby.
[NEW SCENE - Kristina cooking in her kitchen, Haddie enters.]
KRISTINA: How was your day?
HADDIE: It was fine. How was your day?
KRISTINA: It was good, really good. Oh, hey, um, can you babysit on Thursday? Dad and I are gonna go out.
HADDIE: Why are you going out?
KRISTINA: Just 'cause. He's taking me out on a date.
KRISTINA: So can you?
HADDIE: Uh, yeah. I guess so.
KRISTINA: Great. Thank you.
HADDIE: [Starts to walk away but stops.] I'm sorry. I'm sorry about telling you I didn't want you to be on my campaign. Okay?
KRISTINA: I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I was pushy and obnoxious, and I
HADDIE: It's okay.
HADDIE: So...Now my speech is not good, and Amber hates it.
KRISTINA: Well, that's rude.
HADDIE: And I don't know what to do. And I need your help.
KRISTINA: Yeah. I will help you.
HADDIE: Okay. Great.
[NEW SCENE - Crosby and The Henry Clay People celebrating the new album Working Part Time plays loudly as they drink.]
CROSBY: Bottoms up. One, two... Looks like you're out. I'm the new guitar player. Vote. He's out of the band, right? [His cell phone rings.] Oh, crap, it my mother-in-law.
PARTY CHICK: What, you're married?
CROSBY: Okay, coach... Keep the party going. I'll be right back.
RENEE: I have a favour. I'm on my way to the doctor's, and he's running late, so can you pick up Jabbar?
CROSBY: Um, right, right now, Jabbar?
RENEE: He's at story hour at the Lincoln Child Development Center, right there on Alameda. Can you help me out?
CROSBY: Um, yeah, yeah. I can help you out.
RENEE: Are you okay? What's all that music?
CROSBY: I'm, I'm at work. It's, um, work music. But I totally got you covered. So, um, he's my kid, and I got it.
RENEE: Are you sure?
CROSBY: No, no, no. I'll be there. And then you go, go to the doctor's appointment, 'cause it's very important, and I got him. Okay? Bye-bye.
RENEE: Okay. [Hangs up the phone.] Okay.
GABY: Braverman residence?
CROSBY: Hey, Kristina, is Adam there?
GABY: Uh, it's Gaby.
CROSBY: Oh, um, hi, Gaby. It's Crosby.
GABY: Yeah, I know. Adam's still at work, and Kristina's upstairs, and Haddie actually just went out to CVS to pick up a poster board, and I was actually on my way out to pilates.
CROSBY: That was a lot of information.
GABY: Do you want to talk to Kristina?
CROSBY: No, no, no, don't put her on, please. Could, um...
GABY: Are you drunk?
[NEW SCENE - Outside the Lincoln Child Development Center.]
CROSBY: You ever go to the drive-in in this car?
GABY: This is stupid.
CROSBY: I'm fine. Where are my altoids, by the way?
GABY: Why, why don't I just go in there and get him myself?
CROSBY: Mm-mm. You barely know Jabbar. Don't you know about stranger danger? He won't even come to you. What is he doing here?
GABY: Who is he?
CROSBY: Jasmine's brother. Will you hold that?
GABY: Oh, no, no, no. Crosby, wait. Crosby, I don't think
CROSBY: Yo, hey, Sudoku. What are you--whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, man?
SUDOKU: I'm going to get Jabbar.
CROSBY: No, no, I'm here. Your mom called me.
SUDOKU: Yeah, then she called me, and she said you sounded drunk.
CROSBY: That's ridiculous, dude. I'm not drunk.
SUDOKU: Dude, I can smell the booze from here, all right?
CROSBY: You can smell the booze from there?
SUDOKU: Yeah. Who's that girl right there?
CROSBY: That's Gaby. She's a friend of mine. We're gonna pick him up
CROSBY: So, hey, hey, you can just go about your business.
SUDOKU: Don't touch me, man. Do not touch me.
CROSBY: We're here to pick up Jabbar, so you can just, hey, hey, I'm talk, I'm talking to you, man.
[There is a scuffle and Crosby is pushed to the ground.]
SUDOKU: Don't you ever put your hands on me again, all right?
GABY: [Running from the car.] Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Hey, hey.
CROSBY: You want to do this, huh?
GABY: Okay, okay. I'm gonna get him out of here. Crosby, let's go.
SUDOKU: Sober up, dude.
CROSBY: Okay, go inside. You're just the Uncle, dude.
GABY: Crosby, let it go.
CROSBY: I'm the dad.
GABY: Crosby, let it go.
GABY: You don't want Jabbar to see you like this, let's go.
CROSBY: Did you see that?
GABY: Come on, let's go.
CROSBY: He just pushed me.
GABY: I saw.
[NEW SCENE - Sarah walking through the T&S stock room.]
MIKE: Hey, you. What you looking for?
SARAH: Now I'm looking for the women's Turbo Shock 1,000 Flyer. It has a gel insole and promotes world peace. [Laughs]
MIKE: [Smiling] Three rows down over that way.
SARAH: I know. But the shoes are over there, and you are over here. So... I just wanted to say thanks for the other night.
MIKE: Yeah, I had a great time.
SARAH: You did?
SARAH: It was really cool. So thanks.
MIKE: Cool. You want to go out sometime... with me?
SARAH: Yes. [Leaning forward she kisses Mike, placing one hand on his shoulder.] Sorry, that was totally inappropriate and, uh... weird.
MIKE: Completely awesome.
SARAH: Oh, okay. Good. Okay. I'm gonna leave now before I get run over.
[NEW SCENE - Joel sitting on the side of his bed, Julia resting in the bed.]
JOEL: What if I bring in some home videos? You know? That'd be a pretty good presentation.
JULIA: [Walking up.] Are you talking about hobby day still?
JOEL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't help it. I'm, like, the opposite of the world's most interesting man. I have no life.
JULIA: No, you have me, and you have Sydney, that's plenty.
JOEL: Mm. For hobby day?
JULIA: Okay, all right. Okay, let's think about this. Um...
JOEL: Okay. Adam used to collect stamps. Sarah used to collect those little ceramic horses...
JOEL: I'm not doing ceramic horses.
JULIA: I know. Though, how about this? The toy rockets that Dad and Crosby used to set off, those are cool.
JOEL: Toy rockets, that's not bad.
JULIA: It's a good idea.
JULIA: Yeah. What about baby-making? Does that count as a hobby? We could do some of that.
JOEL: Yeah, you know... I don't know if technically it counts as a hobby.
JOEL: But it would be one hell of a presentation.
JULIA: Can you imagine Mrs. Brewster's face? Scandal in the kindergarten, news at 6:00.
SYDNEY: Daddy, I can't find my Phineas and Ferb.
JOEL: She's like a silent ninja.
[NEW SCENE - Crosby enters Renee's house.]
CROSBY: Hello? Renee?
SUDOKU: What do you want, Crosby?
CROSBY: I'm looking for Jabbar.
SUDOKU: Mom took him to the park already. You normally walk into people's houses uninvited?
CROSBY: Uh, yeah, when my son lives in them. Do you normally do your laundry at mommy's?
SUDOKU: My machine is broken. What about it?
CROSBY: That's pretty lame.
SUDOKU: Where do you do your laundry?
CROSBY: That's none of your bus
you know what, dude? Not that I have to explain myself to you, but the girl last night... That's my autistic nephew's behavioral aide. There's nothing going on between us. When your mom called, I was in the middle of celebrating finishing a big album, and I was in no position to drive, so I called my brother's house. She picked up, offered to drive me. I said, "fine." That's all that happened.
SUDOKU: Okay, whatever.
CROSBY: No, no, not "whatever." I was off the clock. It was your mom's day with Jabbar yesterday. And if I knew she was gonna need me, I wouldn't have been drinking. I wouldn't have even been at the party.
SUDOKU: You're worried that I'm gonna go tell Jasmine.
CROSBY: You can do whatever you want to do. I mean, that would be totally uncool, so I wouldn't put it past you, but go crazy.
SUDOKU: Okay, you know what I think, Crosby? If you really want to be a father, you'd know you're never off the clock.
[NEW SCENE - Braverman kitchen, Sarah is on the phone as Haddie enters.]
SARAH: Yes, Thursday night we're on. That sounds really good. Okay. All right, I'll talk to you then. Bye. [Hangs up.] Hi, how are you?
HADDIE: Hey. I'm just looking for Amber. Is she here?
DREW: Hey, guys.
DREW: Oh, Haddie, have you met Holly?
HADDIE: No. Hi.
DREW: We're working on a project thing
HOLLY: I'm telling all my junior friends to vote for you.
HADDIE: Thanks. Cool.
HOLLY: See you.
HADDIE: She seems nice.
SARAH: That's Holly.
HADDIE: That's weird.
SARAH: Day two. Ah? Can you feel the heat?
HADDIE: Uh, yeah. It's palpable. I'm just looking for Amber for... Um, I redid my speech, and I wanted her to read it.
SARAH: Oh. Well, I'm here. I could look at it.
HADDIE: Yeah. Yeah, please. Yes.
HADDIE: Yeah, thanks.
HADDIE: Yeah, maybe you'll be able to give me a fresh
SARAH: Oh I don't know, it will just be fun.
SARAH: Let's see.
HADDIE: Another draft.
[NEW SCENE - Adam enters his bedroom, Kristina is in bed reading.]
ADAM: I'm sorry I'm so late. It's just...
KRISTINA: It's okay.
ADAM: It was a crazy day.
KRISTINA: Did you get anything to eat?
ADAM: Yeah, I had some crap at work. Gordon was calling me all day long from Menlo Park. He's at this investor conference...
ADAM: Asking me how I can cut costs. I'm going over the cost reports, and I'm trying to figure out what to do, and it's not pretty.
KRISTINA: What can I do to help?
ADAM: Hey, listen, about Thursday...
ADAM: I was just wondering if you'd be willing to move it by one week to next Thursday. It would make things a lot easier for me.
ADAM: I know you want to go out.
KRISTINA: That's fine.
ADAM: And I do too.
KRISTINA: No, absolutely, 100%. Whatever you need. This is exactly what she said would happen. This is how
KRISTINA: This is how we become one of the 80%.
ADAM: What's going on with you? What are you talking about? What's 80%?
KRISTINA: Suze Lessing.
ADAM: Suze Lessing?
KRISTINA: Suze Lessing told me today that 80% of couples that have children with autism end up getting divorced because they don't spend enough time together.
ADAM: This is all about Suze Lessing?
KRISTINA: It's not about Suze Lessing, okay? Her therapist told her this statistic. It's a true thing.
ADAM: No. Hello? Maybe there's a reason those two kooks are in therapy.
KRISTINA: They're not kooks, honey. They're not connecting, okay?
ADAM: Honey, we are not Phil and Suze Lessing.
KRISTINA: I'm just asking for one night. That's all I was asking for was just for one night.
ADAM: Okay. I see that this is important to you, and we're gonna go out this Thursday. Okay?
[NEW SCENE - Drew's bedroom, Sarah enters.]
SARAH: Hey. We got to go.
DREW: I can't find my phone.
SARAH: Oh, no.
SARAH: Okay. What do you have today? Do you have your science project?
SARAH: Will be working on it with your 'lab partner'?
DREW: Wow. Yes.
SARAH: Again. Wow.
DREW: She is my lab partner, so it makes sense.
SARAH: You know, I think she likes you.
DREW: No, doubt that.
SARAH: Oh, okay. I think you like her too. Is it embarrassing?
DREW: I'm not embarrassed. It's just, I don't, I mean, I got an "A" in science last year, and she got a "D." So she's obviously just trying to get a good grade.
SARAH: I don't think so. You know, girls like it when a guy makes the first move.
DREW: This is a really weird conversation.
SARAH: I'm serious, honey, the way she talks to you, and, you know, touches you unnecessarily, laughs at all your jokes, not that they're not funny. "Whoo! Science! You know so much about science!" She likes you. Don't be afraid to act on it... In a, you know, reasonable way.
DREW: This is too weird. This is the weirdest conversation we've ever had.
SARAH: Honey, look at you. You're amazing. Who could not love you? Huh? I ask you, who?
[NEW SCENE - Adam's office, he is on the phone with Kristina. We cut between the office and Kristina at home.]
ADAM: Okay, honey, hit me.
KRISTINA: Okay, so it's either Harbor Cafe at 7:30 or Bastide's at 8:00.
ADAM: Uh, Harbor Café sounds good.
KRISTINA: Harbor Cafe? Really? Well, Bastide got 4 1/2 stars.
ADAM: Honey, just you pick. If you're happy, I'm happy, okay? [Crosby enters the office.] Look, I got to go over these cost reports, okay? I love you. Bye.
[They both hang up.]
KRISTINA: [To Herself.] Bastide.
[Back at Adam's office.]
ADAM: What's up, butterbean?
CROSBY: You already know about that?
ADAM: Gaby talked to Kristina.
ADAM: Yeah, Gaby, Kristina, Adam.
CROSBY: I didn't realize she was like that. You can't trust anyone. Look at this.
CROSBY: Two missed calls from Jasmine.
ADAM: Yeah, so?
CROSBY: I think Sudoku ratted me out already. And for the record, I don't know what Gaby reported back to Kristina, but I would have mopped the floor with him.
ADAM: Oh, you would, huh? Yeah, well, uh, did you call her back yet?
CROSBY: No, I didn't call her back. What am I gonna say to her?
ADAM: You're gonna tell her the truth. You're gonna tell her that you got drunk in the middle of the afternoon, that you copped a ride from our ultra-hot behavioural aide so you could pick up your son, and then you got beat up by her little brother.
CROSBY: I didn't get beat up.
ADAM: She'll understand.
CROSBY: I did not get beat up, okay?
ADAM: I'll tell you what, you want my advice?
CROSBY: Yeah, I want your advice.
ADAM: Step one, apologize to Renee.
CROSBY: For what? I didn't do anything.
ADAM: That's just, you know what? You're a man, that's what men do. We apologize. I mean, I say three "I'm sorry's" when I get out of bed in the morning, okay? And quit half-assing your dad gig.
CROSBY: Wait a minute. I am not half-assing my dad gig. Why do you say that?
ADAM: Listen, Crosby, you're pissed off about the whole custody situation with Jabbar. I get that, okay? But quit trying to sell it to yourself like it's a good thing and go do something about it.
[NEW SCENE - Joel and Zeek in his garage at the Braverman house.]
ZEEK: These engines are still good. I think all you're gonna need are some igniters.
JOEL: What is this?
ZEEK: That is the Estes Big Daddy.
ZEEK: I can't believe we never shot that off.
JOEL: It's humungous.
ZEEK: Oh, beautiful, isn't it? It's got the E9-4 engine, single stage, 895 feet of altitude.
ZEEK: It's got a dual-parachute recovery module.
JOEL: Yeah. I can't shoot that off.
ZEEK: How come?
JOEL: Oh, I don't know. Um, maybe a school hazard. I don't want to burn the school down, so...
ZEEK: Oh, I'm sorry. You want to make a good impression, don't you?
ZEEK: So what is the problem?
JOEL: That would do it, blowing up the school. The problem is I don't know anything about this stuff.
ZEEK: I do.
ZEEK: I'll show you.
JOEL: No, no. That's not the point, Zeek. I don't, I don't have a hobby because I don't I don't have a, I don't have a life.
ZEEK: Now, what the hell are you talking about?
JOEL: My whole life is, is Sydney, Zeek. I mean, I-I wake her up, I get her ready for school, I take her, and then I do laundry, and then I pick her up from school. It's dinner, bath, bedtime, and then wake up the next morning, I do it all over again. It's just, that's, that's my job, you know? And now apparently my job is to be the cool dad with a cool hobby to impress all her friends. So I mean, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna show 'em how to use fabric softener properly?
ZEEK: Joel, I mean, really, these kids are kindergarteners, all right? You could light your own fart, and they'd think you were Einstein. I mean, come on.
JOEL: I know. It's not about the kids. It's just
ZEEK: Well, I mean, you know... You are making way too big a deal out of this whole thing. All you got to do is find something you like to do and then just have fun doing it. It's not life or death, for Pete's sake. You're not involved in, like, marriage counselling like I am with Camille. All my kids are raised. They got their own problems. But I got real problems going on out there. Okay?
ZEEK: Now, I am going to go to the hobby shop. Take it easy. God.
[NEW SCENE - Renee's kitchen.]
CROSBY: I'm sorry. And I promise I'm gonna figure out a way to explain all this to Jabbar and make sure he knows it's not okay to fight.
RENEE: Don't worry about it. He doesn't know.
CROSBY: Didn't Sudoku tell him?
RENEE: I'm sure he wanted to, but he knows that I would have been all over his behind.
CROSBY: Wow. I, um, I thought he would have... Thank you, Renee.
RENEE: You're welcome. Come here. Help me. [Cutting Asparagus] No stems, quarter-inch pieces. Okay?
RENEE: No stems, quarter-inch pieces.
CROSBY: Okay. The situation's tough, you know, with Jasmine out of town. I think we're all just trying to do the right thing...
RENEE: You see, that's not how I see it.
CROSBY: What do you mean?
RENEE: Well, I love my daughter, would do anything for her, but what I see happening with my grandson is not good.
CROSBY: Well, Jasmine's a great mom.
RENEE: Now, don't get me wrong. I know she's doing the best she can. But the truth is, she's been dragging that poor boy all over creation. Summers in New York, then she moves him back here, and she goes to Europe. It's not good.
CROSBY: Yeah, well, it's her dream.
RENEE: I know that. And it's not good for the child. So you need to figure it out.
CROSBY: I can't just, I can't make her do anything.
RENEE: No, when I say you, I don't mean you. I mean the both of you together. Children need stability. Now, I know it's modern and fashionable to live your separate lives and split time with your kids, but I think that is a bunch of bull. That boy needs his mama and his daddy. So either you know what or get off the pot.
Poop? Poop or get off the pot? [Renee laughs] Is that what you're...?
RENEE: You know what I mean.
CROSBY: I know what you mean.
[NEW SCENE - Braverman house, Drew and Holly working on their project.]
HOLLY: Which one is the metaphase, and which one is the anaphase?
DREW: This is meta, they're actually on the back.
HOLLY: Oh, I should have read it. Where'd the glue stick go? Could you just, like, here, could you hold that?
HOLLY: Oh, here it is. Okay, got it. [Drew looks uncomfortable as Holly touches his shoulder and back.] Are you okay?
DREW: Me? Yeah. Yeah, totally, uh, fine. Uh, metaphase.
HOLLY: All right, just...
DREW: [Looks at Holly for a moment before kissing her on the lips.]
HOLLY: Uh, what are you doing?
DREW: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Holly, I'm so, so, so, I'm so sorry. I can't even look at
HOLLY: Oh, my God.
DREW: I thought you were, like, giving me this sign.
DREW: I got to go.
HOLLY: Wait, Drew, Um, I
DREW: Holly, I can't go. This is my house. Can you just go?
HOLLY: Drew, I'm so sorry. I like you. No, I do.
DREW: You don't have to say this.
HOLLY: You're smart.
DREW: Seriously, just please go.
HOLLY: I thought we were just doing
DREW: Will you please go?
[NEW SCENE - Sydney's school, Parents Hobby Day.]
MR. FITTS: Okay, everybody, now, you ready? This last one is really special. It's an eagle silver dollar minted in 1796. That's over 200 years ago.
OWEN: Can we touch it?
MR. FITTS: Sorry. Sorry. Your fingers might mess it up. It's worth over $30,000.
MRS: BREWSTER: Why, thank you very much, Mr. Fitts. Wasn't that great, everybody? Thank you, Mr. Fitts. Thank you. [The kids cheer.] The next presentation is by Sydney's father. Can we say, "Good afternoon, Mr. Graham"?
KIDS: [Together and clapping] Good afternoon, Mr. Graham.
JOEL: Hi. Good afternoon, guys.
OWEN: What's in the box?
JOEL: Let me ask you this. Do you guys like wood?
[There is a awkward silence.]
[NEW SCENE - Kristina in her living room with Max and Gaby.]
KRISTINA: How about these pants?
MAX: No, I like these clothes that I have.
KRISTINA: If you try these on, I'll give you a sticker.
MAX: One pair. One pair. Just one.
GABY: [To Kristina] It's working.
[Crosby enters the front door.]
MAX: Hey, Uncle Crosby.
KRISTINA: [To Gaby.] It's frustrating.
CROSBY: I'm just, uh, here to get my laundry.
MAX: Oh, and, mom, by "one pair,"
KRISTINA: Yes, yes.
MAX: I mean you only get one pair per sticker.
KRISTINA: I have, I understand that.
MAX: So if you want me to try on another pair, you have to give me another sticker.
[They go upstairs.]
CROSBY: [To Gaby still in the living room.] Hey, um... I wanted to say sorry about what happened the other day. That was not my finest parenting hour.
GABY: It's okay. I feel like I should apologize. I shouldn't have told Kristina. I'm sorry. She sort of got it out of me, you know?
CROSBY: She's like a cold war interrogator, yeah. Um, hey, can I ask you a question?
CROSBY: Do you think I'm half-assing my gig as a dad if I let Jabbar live at his grandma's?
GABY: I don't know. What do you think?
CROSBY: Hmm. Is that like a weird therapy trick, where you answer a question with a question?
GABY: Kind of, sort of. And if you're good, you might get a sticker.
CROSBY: [Laying down on the couch.] I don't know. Look, I want what's best for Jabbar, and he loves Renee, and, you know, she's really good at taking care of him. And it's what Jasmine wants, but... I don't know.
GABY: It doesn't feel right.
CROSBY: Yeah, exactly. I mean, I love him to death, so, you know, maybe I should just step up and take on the whole enchilada.
GABY: Okay, so what's the problem?
CROSBY: Well, the problem is, and I hope this doesn't shock you... [Whispering] But I'm a bit of a screw-up. And to be totally honest, I kind of like my freedom. Then I think, "Man, how selfish. What kind of dad doesn't want to be with his kid all the time?" Then I go, "Oh, maybe the kind that will fall asleep while he's swimming or forget to pick him up "at soccer practice or, you know, feeds him the wrong type of lactaid
CROSBY: Yeah. I know. I'm all over the place.
GABY: No, I just, I think you'd be a great full-time dad.
CROSBY: For real?
CROSBY: Thank you.
GABY: You're welcome.
[NEW SCENE - Back at the classroom with Joel and the kids. They are all making things with the wood.]
JOEL: No way. Who did this? Was that you? That is super cool.
MRS: BREWSTER: What is it?
JOEL: More paper? Okay, I'll be right back. Oh, that's cool, guys. Hey, is this going on the front of that?
JOEL: You know what you can do? You guys needs more? Okay.
MRS: BREWSTER: Okay, brilliant. Are you free next week?
JOEL: Oh, yeah. They're kind of into it, right?
MRS: BREWSTER: Oh, God, yeah. Yeah.
OWEN: [To Sydney.] I'm making the hamster. His name is Ernie.
SYDNEY: That's a good name.
OWEN: Your dad is awesome.
[NEW SCENE - Kristina in the kitchen with Max.]
KRISTINA: Honey, I need you to put down the game and eat.
MAX: I can't. Peas got on the macaroni.
KRISTINA: Ugh, babe, it's fine. You need to eat your supper.
MAX: [Louder.] No, it's not! Peas got on the macaroni. I just told you it's not fine.
KRISTINA: Where's your father? He should be back
MAX: He's probably working. He said he has to do cost reports.
HADDIE: Hey, mom, can I, what? Wait. What are you
KRISTINA: Do you like my dress? Oh, you know what? I wanted to talk to you about your speech. I think you should add in that you were room rep in eighth grade. I think it's a phenomenal idea.
HADDIE: Uh-huh. Right. That just wouldn't really fit into my speech.
KRISTINA: Yes, it would.
HADDIE: Right, well, Aunt Sarah and I replaced that part with a joke.
KRISTINA: What'd you say?
HADDIE: Um, nothing. It's not a big deal.
KRISTINA: Aunt Sarah?
HADDIE: It was just funnier that way.
KRISTINA: Honey, the speech was perfect.
HADDIE: I have to go.
KRISTINA: Where are you going?
HADDIE: Uh, a basketball game, and they're announcing the candidates, and it's required. Otherwise
I didn't know.
KRISTINA: You're not going because you're babysitting
HADDIE: No, I have to go.
that's why I'm all dressed up.
MAX: No, I can stay by myself.
ADAM: There's someone honking in the driveway. Hey, why is our babysitter heading out the front door? [The door closes.] Haddie!
KRISTINA: Because they're announcing her at halftime with the candidates. I don't know. I told her she had to do it, and she's a snot.
ADAM: What are you doing?
KRISTINA: What do you mean? We're not going out, honey. This is too hard.
ADAM: No. No, no, no, no. We are going out.
KRISTINA: Okay, who's gonna baby-sit?
ADAM: Okay first of all, you look beautiful. I am going to call my mom and dad.
KRISTINA: Well, thank you. Your dad and your mom? Your dad takes, like, four hours to leave the house.
ADAM: I will tell them to hurry. We are going out.
[NEW SCENE - Restaurant.]
KRISTINA: It's not Bastide, but it's something.
ADAM: I know, but we're here. Everybody looks like they're having a good time. It's kitschy, it's fun.
KRISTINA: It's good. I just wanted everything to be perfect.
ADAM: It is perfect, okay? We're alone. We're together. You look beautiful. Okay.
MAITRE D: Braverman? Party of two?
ADAM: Right here.
KRISTINA: That's us. [Seeing something.] That's cute.
MAITRE D: Welcome to the Swanky Crab.
KRISTINA: [To Adam.] Stanky Crab.
KRISTINA: [Seeing Sarah and Mike on their date.] Oh, my God.
SARAH: Wait, wait, whoa. I
[Sees Adam and Kristina.]
ADAM: What's up, Mike?
SARAH: Adam. Look it, Kristina. It's Mike from work.
ADAM: How's it going, Mike?
MIKE: What's up, boss man?
SARAH: So we were, that's so crazy. We were just about to order right here at this table.
MAITRE D: Should I set your places over here?
SARAH: Yeah, sure. Of course. Yeah, great.
[NEW SCENE - Braverman kitchen, Sarah enters. Drew is having breakfast at the table, Zeek at the counter.]
ZEEK: My sweet angel, how are ya?
SARAH: Good, dad. Morning, mom. Morning, Drew.
CAMILLE: Morning, sweetie.
SARAH: [To Drew] Whoo! Look at that shirt. You never wear that. Is it something special for someone special?
DREW: Um, uh, no, mom, it's not. [He leaves the room.]
SARAH: Honey. Drew, honey. [Following Drew outside.] Drew.
DREW: Oh, my God, mom, what?
SARAH: Well, talk to me, okay? Don't just leave.
DREW: No, Look...
SARAH: What's wrong?
DREW: Everything, okay, mom? Your advice, Holly, she. I tried to kiss her, okay? And she totally rejected me. Now she hates me.
SARAH: Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
DREW: Look, I don't care, mom, if you're sorry, honestly, because
Look I've told you I don't want your advice. I don't know how many times I've told you that, and you just keep telling me things, and I don't know what to do with it.
SARAH: Well, I'm your mother. I was trying to help.
DREW: Look, I don't care if you're trying to help, okay? You know, you messed this up, what I need's my dad. And you screwed that up for me. I don't need your help, okay? [Rides off on his bike.]
[NEW SCENE - Later in Drew's room, Sarah knocks on the door.]
SARAH: Hey. Dad's gonna launch the rocket. We might need you to call the fire department. [Drew doesn't look up.] Jimmy Koop asked me to the eighth-grade dance. He was really smart... Skinny, like you. I was so excited. He said he'd meet me there. And I stood out in front of the gym... And waited. And I waited. And I waited. And he never showed up. When dad came to pick me up, I was crying and crying. And he said... "Sweetheart, boys are like buses. If you miss one, there's another one coming."
DREW: Hey, mom... I know it wasn't your fault dad left. I shouldn't have said that.
SARAH: It's okay, sweetheart. I miss him sometimes too.
[NEW SCENE - Crosby's houseboat.]
CROSBY: Is your foot getting bigger?
JABBAR: No, no, I already know how to tie my shoes.
CROSBY: Oh, you want to tie it?
CROSBY: All right, let's see it.
CROSBY: Oh, my God.
JABBAR: Mommy's home.
CROSBY: What are you doing here?
JASMINE: [Hugs Jabbar.] Hey!
JASMINE: I missed you.
CROSBY: Oh, my God. Hey, I
JASMINE: Hey. [Quick kiss.]
CROSBY: You're supposed-- aren't you supposed to be in Hol?
JASMINE: In Brussels.
CROSBY: In Brussels.
CROSBY: Is everything all right?
JASMINE: Um, well, I...
CROSBY: Did you get in a fight with somebody?
JASMINE: No. I left the company.
CROSBY: How come?
JASMINE: Well, you know, I just always thought that it was everything that I wanted, and for two hours every night during performances, it was amazing, and it was wonderful.
But the rest of the time was living out of suitcases and feeling sad and lonely and missing my family.
CROSBY: You missed your family?
JASMINE: A lot.
CROSBY: Missing me?
JASMINE: Yeah, you.
CROSBY: We missed you. [Kissing] Mmm.
CROSBY: [Kissing] Mmm.
JASMINE: I made my decision. Here I am.
CROSBY: Wait a minute. You're here here. You're not going back to New, you're here for good?
JASMINE: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
CROSBY: What? [More kisses.] Mmm. Mmm. Oh, yes.
JASMINE: So what's up? You guys going somewhere? What's going on?
JABBAR: Grandpa's having a big party.
JASMINE: Oh, he is, is he?
CROSBY: It's, uh, like, a family thing for Haddie. She won Student-Council President or something.
JASMINE: Good for her. What are we waiting for? Let's get your shoes on.
JABBAR: Mom, I learned how to tie my shoes.
JASMINE: You taught him how to tie his shoes?
CROSBY: Yeah, whatever. We know how to tie our shoes now, no big deal.
JABBAR: [To Jabbar] Come here. Get up here. [She picks him up.]
CROSBY: We like you. We're happy you're home.
JASMINE: Mmm. [Kissing Crosby.]
JABBAR: [Kissing his mother on the cheek.]
[NEW SCENE - Braverman house, outside dining area.]
HADDIE: [Reading her speech.] "And I will make your ideas happen, starting with removing the ban on freak dancing and getting better food in the Snack Shack. Anyways, vote for me. I'm Haddie Braverman. I want to be your President. Si, se puede." And then I threw candy into the audience.
JABBAR: Go, Haddie!
ZEEK: That's very good. Did you write that?
HADDIE: Uh, yeah, yeah, like, five minutes before. I was just stressed out.
KRISTINA: It's okay.
ADAM: Haddie, I am very proud of you, not just because you won, but because of how you conducted yourself. All right, mostly because you won. Congratulations.
SEVERAL PEOPLE: Cheers.
JULIA: There you go. Hear, hear.
KRISTINA: I forgot the cake at Primos.
ADAM: You did?
KRISTINA: I didn't pick it up.
HADDIE: Daddy, help her.
ADAM: We can't have a celebration without a cake.
KRISTINA: Haddie, Haddie, I forgot the cake.
ADAM: We're gonna go get your cake. We got to go to Primos. Mom forgot the cake.
[NEW SCENE - Adam and Kristina in the car.]
KRISTINA: Honey, you missed the turn.
ADAM: I know.
[They kiss, another drive honks as they pass them.]
[NEW SCENE - Braverman yard, evening has come and Zeek is setting up the rocket as the family watches.]
FAMILY: 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[Zeek presses the button and the rocket first up into the night sky. The family cheer.]
[NEW SCENE - Adam and Kristina eating the cake sitting on the front of the car. An overhead shot shows the rocked parachutes bringing it back to the ground above them.]
2.04 - Dave Night
Original Airdate (NBC) October 6, 2010
Written by David Hudgins
Directed by Adam Bernstein
Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com
Please Don't Use Without Permission!
This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
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