[Opening scene - The Golf Course gazebo, early morning. Steve and Amber are lying on the floor half dresses.]
AMBER: [Half asleep.] Hmm. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Steve, get up. Get up. Put your clothes on. Oh, my God.
STEVE: I don't understand. What's wrong?
AMBER: [Upset.] If you tell anybody about this, I will kill you. Do you understand? I will kill you.
STEVE: Amber, what is wrong?
AMBER: What do you think is wrong? You're, you're Haddie's boyfriend.
STEVE: I'm not Haddie's boyfriend. She dumped me.
AMBER: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I'm her cousin. I can't believe I did this.
STEVE: It's okay.
ADAM: No, it's not okay.
STEVE: Look, can't we just talk about this?
AMBER: No, we cannot talk about it. We can't talk about anything, because there's no "we", okay?
STEVE: Last night... I know you felt it too.
AMBER: It doesn't matter. I can't do this. This, this was a mistake. I can't, I can't do this with you.
[New Scene - Adam's kitchen, it's a busy morning.]
KRISTINA: Don't move your glass. Keep your glass still.
MAX: It's not my fault
ADAM: Haddie. Put that away for me. [Tossing here a bag of coffee.]
KRISTINA: See you moved it again. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
KRISTINA: [To Haddie.] Excuse me.
MAX: Morning, grandpa.
ZEEK: [To Haddie.] Excuse me.
ADAM: Morning, dad.
KRISTINA: [To Max.] Do you want some fruit?
ADAM: [To Zeek.] You sleep all right?
ZEEK: Oh, there was this chirping in my head all night.
MAX: Oh, that, those were my crickets.
ZEEK: That's an interesting pet.
HADDIE: Did you just put the milk away?
ZEEK: Oh, man, what the heck is this stuff?
KRISTINA: It's hazelnut.
KRISTINA: Yeah, it's good.
KRISTINA: I can get you something else.
ADAM: So where are you going?
ZEEK: Uh, I'm gonna go to the corner. I'm gonna get some coffee and some doughnuts.
MAX: Doughnuts? I want doughnuts.
KRISTINA: Max, you can't have doughnuts.
MAX: He gets to have doughnuts and I don't?
MAX: That's not fair.
KRISTINA: Here, have some fruit.
MAX: Because I get doughnuts
HADDIE: Max, shut up.
HADDIE: He heard you say that. He heard you.
KRISTINA: Why don't you eat some fruit.
MAX: Why does he get doughnuts? I don't get doughnuts!
[New Scene - Braverman kitchen, Sarah is making pancakes.]
SARAH: So grandma and grandpa had a fight, you know, like people do. It's not a big deal.
DREW: Well, like, what kind of fight?
SARAH: I don't know, honey. But, uh, grandpa's gonna stay with Uncle Adam for a couple of days.
DREW: What happened? I don't understand.
SARAH: I don't know. Let's just be extra, super nice to grandma, okay? Do you want a real done one or a not done one?
DREW: I, just choose, I don't care.
SARAH: Here. Take one of each. [To Amber.] Hi, honey. You're home early.
AMBER: Yeah, well, you know, Kayla was snoring, so I couldn't, I couldn't sleep.
SARAH: You okay?
SARAH: Listen, um, grandma and grandpa had a fight
AMBER: Okay, well, we'll, we'll talk later, okay?
CAMILLE: [To Amber.] Hi, sweetie.
SARAH: Hey, mom. Look, I made pancakes.
DREW: Yeah, they're, they're really good, actually.
CAMILLE: I can't. I have painting class.
CAMILLE: Uh, but you know what? Uh, you know how I've been talking about turning the attic into my art studio?
CAMILLE: Yeah. I'm finally gonna do it.
CAMILLE: Yeah. And there's a lot of junk up there.
SARAH: Junk. Mom, that's all of our childhood stuff is up there.
CAMILLE: Yeah, well, you're gonna have to go through it and see what you want. And ask your brothers and your sister if they'll go through it too. Anything that's important to them, they should take home, 'cause whatever's left, I'm gonna, you know, either give away or burn.
SARAH: Burn? [Camille leaves.] Mom.
[New Scene - Joel and Julia's house, dining table.]
JULIA: [Sighs] My dad is so far underwater on this thing.
JOEL: Yeah, I was looking at those.
JULIA: It's just, it's quite a hole.
JOEL: How are you doing with your parents?
JULIA: Um...They'll be fine. It's just, you know, the whole thing started because he went upside down on a bad investment, which a lot of people do, I might add. All I have to do is help him dig his way out and he'll patch things up with mom in no time.
JOEL: Babe, I looked at the value of the land and the buildings. I, I don't know how you, you dig him out of that.
JULIA: Well... That's actually what I, what I need to talk to you about. I was thinking of calling Timm.
JULIA: I know Timm's not your favorite person.
JOEL: Not even close.
JULIA: But he knows real estate.
JOEL: Well, I know real estate, Julie. I was a contractor.
JULIA: No, I know, but, you know, he's a fund manager. He has a ton of connections. This is his job.
JOEL: Timm. Timmmmm.
JULIA: Okay, so he has two "M"s in his name. Let's keep it in perspective here.
JOEL: I ammmm.
JOEL: The guy tried to steal you from me. I mean, what do you want?
JULIA: It's for my dad.
JOEL: Okay. I'll do it for himmmm.
JULIA: Shut up.
JOEL: But not for Timmmmm.
JULIA: Cut it out.
[New Scene - Crosby and Jasmine at the Laundromat.]
JASMINE: Relax. It's not the large super collider.
CROSBY: I don't think you realize this, but I have the perfect system.
CROSBY: Every other weekend, I would drop my dirty clothes off at mom and dad's, then have tea with her, watch the game with him, and then magically at the end of all that, my clothes would be folded and clean.
JASMINE: And how long did this go on for?
CROSBY: 14 years. But now that they're in this fight, I can't even stop by there 'cause it's too stressful.
CROSBY: So perfect system, pfft.
JASMINE: It's a real tragedy.
CROSBY: Right? It's a bummer.
JASMINE: Yeah. Okay, so, um, you know about separating colors, right?
CROSBY: Well, clearly I don't know how to separate colors.
JASMINE: Oh, no.
CROSBY: Why are you trying to segregate my laundry? [Jasmine laughs before they start to kiss.] Hmm?
[New Scene - Adam's office.]
ADAM: Don't freak out. This, look, this is good news, okay? We just have to figure out how we can amp up production on the summer line as fast as we can. [He sees Sarah and waves her in.] All right, uh... Look, the, look, the samples for the summer line have practically sold out at every store we sent them to, so we can make up a lot of lost money here. All right, well, just, look, get those guys on it. Okay? [He notices Sarah looks upset.] Uh, you know what, I'm gonna have to call you back. All right? Bye. [To Sarah.] You okay?
SARAH: Sorry, I just came to ask you a question and, uh, I didn't mean to
ADAM: Sarah, what's happening? What's going on?
SARAH: You wanna know why mom was so upset last night?
ADAM: Yeah. I mean, it's because dad didn't tell her about the investments, the bad investments he made.
SARAH: Adam, dad cheated on mom. And she made me promise not to tell, but I, I just can't handle it.
ADAM: When did this happen?
SARAH: I don't know. Sometime before we came back from Fresno, I don't know. It's over now, but, you know, that's what happened and that's why they're so upset.
SARAH: But she made me promise not to tell and now you have to promise not to tell, okay?
ADAM: All right, I promise. [Pausing for a moment as he takes in the news.] God, that son of a bitch.
[Opening credits - featuring Forever Young by Bob Dylan]
[New Scene - Late in Adam's office.]
KRISTINA: That son of a bitch.
ADAM: I mean, how could he do this to her, how?
KRISTINA: I don't know, the same reason any other guy does it to their wife, you know? Low self-esteem.
KRISTINA: They take those little blue pills that make their things go
ADAM: It's not genetic, okay? 'Cause I would never ever... Do that to you.
KRISTINA: I didn't even think of that. I know.
ADAM: Okay, well, of course, I would never.
KRISTINA: I hope not. No, I know that you wouldn't. I just
ADAM: It makes me sick.
KRISTINA: It makes me sick, honey. This is awkward too, because he's in our house right now.
ADAM: Yeah, I know.
KRISTINA: But I won't say anything. I won't act weird around him.
ADAM: Yeah, we can't, okay?
KRISTINA: I won't. I'll pretend that everything's normal.
ADAM: I can't have this confrontation with him right now.
KRISTINA: Are you gonna say something to Julia or Crosby or anybody?
ADAM: Oh God. I don't know. I don't think so.
KRISTINA: Oh, my God.
ADAM: No, I don't know.
KRISTINA: This is crazy.
[New Scene - Amber at school, at a vending machine. The item becomes stuck.]
AMBER: Oh, come on. [She taps on the glass.]
STEVE: Hey, Amber. Hi. Can we talk about what happened?
STEVE: Okay. It sometimes gets stuck. I mean, you
ADAM: Look, stop. You have to stop, okay? Please, seriously. Leave me alone. Stop.
[Haddie see the confrontation from a distance and smiles.]
[New Scene - The four siblings at the diner, lunch time.]
JULIA: So I called Timm.
CROSBY: Master of the universe Timm? Timmberwolf? X-Timm? Timm-dog?
JULIA: Yeah, Timm. And he and I are meeting for second lunch.
CROSBY: What's a second lunch?
JULIA: You know, it's something you do when you don't wear shorts to work.
CROSBY: That's sociopathic.
JULIA: Thank you.
CROSBY: Are you guys hearing this crap? Second lunch? You believing this? Second lunch?
JULIA: Okay, when Timm puts his real estate acumen to work on this, we will not have a problem. We will have a fix. Mom and dad will get back together. End. You're welcome.
CROSBY: And I won't have to do my laundry anymore. All will be right in the world.
JULIA: How's mom?
SARAH: She's, uh, uh, fine. She's a little fragile. She's all right.
CROSBY: Mm. Mm. How about dad?
ADAM: Well, he's himself.
CROSBY: You're saying it like you're not sure, but you guys are still living together, yeah?
SARAH: Anyway, listen, mom wants everybody to come get their stuff out of the attic, okay? So if there's anything in there you want, take it, otherwise she's gonna throw it out. Well that's what she said.
KRISTINA: What, is that her way of getting back at dad?
SARAH: What would that have to do with dad?
ADAM: 'Cause what he did is unbelievable.
JULIA: Whoa. Did you guys both wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?
ADAM: He shouldn't have lied.
ADAM: [To Sarah.] What?
JULIA: He was embarrassed, okay? Half the country's underwater financially. It's not like he did it on purpose.
CROSBY: When you say "everything", you don't mean the piano.
SARAH: What do you think, Crosby? Everything. Everything.
CROSBY: Yeah, well, I learned how to play on that piano. All right? It says W.M. Schaum & Sons on the keys. I mean, I spent a lot of time. I need that piano.
ADAM: When did you become so sentimental? I bet you haven't thought about that piano in 15 years.
CROSBY: I can tell you I'm thinking about it right now and I don't want you guys in there getting your hands on it before I
JULIA: Can I ask you how you're gonna put a piano in a houseboat?
CROSBY: What are you, the zoning commission? What do you care?
ADAM: That's the least of our worries.
SARAH: All right, anyway.
JULIA: What does that mean?
SARAH: Nothing. Just come get your stuff.
JULIA: I will solve dad's financial problems, Adam. I've got this. I will.
ADAM: I know you will.
[New Scene - Adam and Kristina's kitchen.]
ZEEK: Hey, Haddie.
ZEEK: How was school?
HADDIE: It was fine.
ZEEK: Hey, you want a virgin screwdriver?
HADDIE: No, thanks.
ZEEK: Hey, sweetheart, I know things are tough, so you hang in there, all right?
HADDIE: Okay. Yeah.
ZEEK: And good for you for resisting when that boy, you know, was trying to get you to have intercourse with him. I'm so proud of you.
HADDIE: Yeah. Thanks, grandpa.
ZEEK: You're welcome.
[Haddie leaves to go to her room.]
KRISTINA: Hey. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the matter? What's wrong? What's wrong?
KRISTINA: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. What happened?
HADDIE: Nothing, okay? I'm just gonna be alone, all right?
KRISTINA: Uh-uh. You know what? You've been spending way too much time alone. I'm starting to get worried a little bit.
HADDIE: Mom. It's fine.
KRISTINA: No, it's not fine. Haddie, why don't you have a, okay, don't gross out at the word, but a good old-fashioned slumber party. You know, invite some girls over. It'd be really fun. We could make muddy buddies. No, not fun?
HADDIE: I don't know. Are you being serious?
KRISTINA: Maybe I'll make hanky pankies.
KRISTINA: We'll have fun, we'll do the Ouija board
HADDIE: Mom, stop.
KRISTINA: What? No?
HADDIE: I don't know, would you really do that?
KRISTINA: Yes. I am. I want you to do this. I wanna do this for you. You just... You're so down.
KRISTINA: I'll get you some "Michis".
KRISTINA: You're welcome.
[New Scene - Braverman attic.]
SARAH: [Gasps] Oh, my God. It's my bunny. My cotton ball bunny. Do you think mom would torch that? She would, right? She'd torch it in a second. What are you doing?
CROSBY: I mean, how the hell did they get this thing in here?
SARAH: Uh, I don't know.
CROSBY: I mean, did they assemble it in here?
SARAH: I don't know. How would you get it out?
CROSBY: I don't know.
SARAH: Put it through the window with a real strong rope?
CROSBY: The whole point of having parents is to keep your crap in their attic.
SARAH: Mom wants this space, Crosby. I think we should be respectful of that.
CROSBY: You don't think that this is about something else and not really about the space?
SARAH: Why are you being so sentimental about this anyway? You've not even been up here in ten years.
CROSBY: I'm not feeling sentimental. I'm feeling pragmatic. I'm pragmatically preserving this important piece of our family's history. And you know, mom!
SARAH: No, no, no, no.
SARAH: Hey, Cros, no.
SARAH: Leave, ooh.
CROSBY: Mom. Mom.
[New Scene - Braverman Kitchen.]
CROSBY: Mom, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to rethink this art studio idea. Why don't you paint in the backyard, the great outdoors? That's what Matisse did and every, you know, all the greats.
CROSBY: I'm not positive about Matisse, but I think, I do know that some artists did. But listen. I can't make a decision about the stuff in the attic. It's, it's too hard.
CAMILLE: Well, I know it's painful, goose, but you kids are at the point where you have your own homes.
CAMILLE: Or working toward having your own homes, and I can't make these decisions for you. You're gonna have to decide for yourself what's important to you.
CROSBY: Well, it's all important.
CAMILLE: Change is healthy.
CROSBY: No, it's not. That's an urban legend.
CAMILLE: Sometimes you just have to make a choice.
SARAH: There are no good snacks in this house.
CROSBY: What is that supposed to mean? "Sometimes you just have to make a choice." Do you think she's talking about dad and her?
SARAH: I don't know.
CROSBY: Well, how serious is this?
SARAH: What am I, a mind reader? I don't know.
CROSBY: Well, you're supposed to, you're, you're on site, okay? You're our eyes and ears to the situation. Well, I reject this. Entirely.
SARAH: That'll help.
CROSBY: I do, for real. They're gonna work it out like they always do. End of story.
SARAH: Totally, I hope so.
[New Scene - Julia and Joel's living room.]
JOEL: I don't understand how you had lunch with the guy to talk about your father's investment and never talked about it.
JULIA: It's just like I said. It got cut short for that conference call he had with Tokyo.
JOEL: Okay, so there's not going to be another lunch?
JULIA: I'm sorry, I know. I'm, I'm really, I'm sorry.
JOEL: [Under his breath.] Tokyo. What a jerk.
JULIA: But what are you gonna do? He's a jerk because he has a conference call with someone in Tokyo?
JOEL: Hey, I'm allowed to not like people. Just like you never liked Stacy.
JULIA: Well, she's not likable.
JOEL: She is likable.
JULIA: She had that weird, that thing, that tall girl way of walking around.
JOEL: I don't even know what you're talking about.
JULIA: So arrogant.
JOEL: All right, well, we'll have him over for dinner.
JULIA: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
JULIA: No, no, no.
JOEL: I'll behave. As long as he does.
JULIA: You would do that?
JOEL: Your dad needs help, and he's been so kind to me over the years, what with the eunuch jokes. I figure it's the 'least' I could do.
JULIA: So you'd do this for me?
JULIA: Oh. If only he knew how much of a eunuch you're not. [Kissing] Mm. Mm, mm.
JOEL: Let's tell him.
JULIA: Let's keep it our little secret.
JOEL: Okay, that's a good idea.
[New Scene - Crosby's Houseboat. Jasmine is cooking while Crosby is measuring.]
CROSBY: Hey, just because people don't normally put pianos on houseboats doesn't mean it's not a good idea, all right? I'm an innovator. [To Jabbar.] Hold that. I'm like the first guy to bring a microwave on a houseboat. They probably said that guy was crazy.
JASMINE: Right, but a microwave weighs ten pounds.
JABBAR: And a piano weighs six million.
CROSBY: Six million? I find that hard to believe. I think it's 600, which is well within the carrying capacity of this vessel. Besides, if there's too much weight, I'll just start hanging out with tinier people like you. Like little miniature, tiny little curly-haired miniature people!
JASMINE: Why don't you store it at Adam's?
CROSBY: Yeah. I can't really do that to him. He's already storing my dad.
JASMINE: Well, if, uh, you're not willing to give it up, then there's only one other option.
CROSBY: Which is?
JASMINE: You're gonna need a bigger boat, mate! Arr! Arr!
CROSBY: Is that from Jaws? You did Quint. And it's Ray Scheider's line, I think.
JASMINE: Actually, it's Roy Scheider's line, but
CROSBY: Right, Roy Scheider's line.
JASMINE: Right. What I do know is that dinner is ready, so why don't you come sit down, sit down. Huh?
CROSBY: Let's do it.
JASMINE: All right. Hot pot, hot pot.
CROSBY: Wow. This is really nice. Thank you.
JASMINE: You're welcome. It is nice, huh?
CROSBY: Really nice. Not too much cheese.
JASMINE: Yeah, it is.
CROSBY: Really nice.
[New Scene - Adam's house, Zeek is on the couch watching basketball on the TV.]
ZEEK: You've got four guys out there, pass the ball. There you go. He's open. [The channel changes] What the hell is
ZEEK: Oh, come on. Wait a minute. What the hell? [Max comes in and sit on the couch.] Hey, Adam.
MAX: Sit down, grandpa.
ZEEK: Adam! Huh? Adam! Come here a minute. Your TV's all screwed up. The cartoon thing came on.
ADAM: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Calm down.
ZEEK: I had the game on and the cartoons show up.
ADAM: It's Spongebob.
ADAM: Okay, relax.
KRISTINA: Let's talk about it in the other room, okay?
KRISTINA: We'll explain it to you in here.
ADAM: I'll explain it to you.
MAX: Yay, it's Spongebob.
KRISTINA: No, come on. Have a seat.
ADAM: Dad, come on. Look. Dad, I know you wanna watch your game. But we have to limit Max's TV time.
KRISTINA: Yes, and it has to be predictable for him.
ADAM: Okay, so the thing is set to switch to Spongebob exactly at 7:00.
KRISTINA: It stays on for the length of the show, then it turns itself off; It's locked in.
ADAM: All right, and ever since we set up the DVR like this, we haven't had a single fight about the TV.
KRISTINA: Not one problem.
ADAM: All right?
KRISTINA: It's good. It's good for Max.
ZEEK: Well, so, [Clears his throat.] There are no exceptions, I mean, even for overtimes or something?
ADAM: [Forceful.] Hey, if you don't like it here...
ZEEK: Is it, you wanna play it that way?
ZEEK: Is that how, okay. Fine, then I'll just listen to my game on the radio that I have upstairs... Me and the crickets. Those other insects that are up there. [He leaves up the stairs.]
ADAM: [To Kristina.] I'm gonna kill him.
KRISTINA: I'm gonna kill him first.
ADAM: I'm gonna kill him.
KRISTINA: I'm gonna kill him.
[New Scene - School, Amber's locker.]
HADDIE: So my mom had this idea and it's stupid but could also be really fun. Um, we're having a slumber party.
HADDIE: It could be fun. It's me, uh, Tisha, Kayla, Grace, and I really want you to come.
AMBER: It's tonight?
AMBER: I have, uh, an algebra test.
HADDIE: No way. You have to be there. Seriously, when you make fun of Steve, it makes me feel so much better. Please?
AMBER: Okay. Yeah, of course. I'll totally be there.
HADDIE: Great. I'll see you.
[New Scene - Real Estate Agent showing Crosby through a modest bungalow.]
CROSBY: You know, I'm not sure that I'm in the market to move in, you know, any time soon. I just saw the open house sign and...
AGENT: All right, well, great. So it's two bedrooms, one bath.
CROSBY: Okay. Do you think a piano would fit through that door?
AGENT: Upright or grand?
CROSBY: Well, it's not Elton John's piano. [The laugh at the joke.] It's my upright.
AGENT: Uh, my guess is it would, yeah.
CROSBY: It would.
AGENT: I think so.
CROSBY: Okay. And um... How about the schools? Are they any good?
AGENT: Very, yeah. Best test scores in the East Bay, actually. Um, do you have a family?
CROSBY: Uh, yeah, you know, it's, uh, complicated. But, um, I did recently acquire a son. He's, uh, he's really cute. You wanna see some pictures?
AGENT: Sure. Yeah.
CROSBY: Okay. That's him, and then that's his mom.
AGENT: Oh, nice family.
CROSBY: Yeah, they are, huh?
AGENT: Yeah. So is it just the three of you or
CROSBY: Um, yeah
Probably. Uh, but the piano's a definite, though. So, you know, the rest is kind of a work in progress.
AGENT: Okay, well, uh, through here, we've got a full dining room. It's really cozy, a lot of natural sunlight. And, uh, in here, full kitchen, dishwasher, garbage disposal
CROSBY: Oh, wow.
and, uh, over here, a washer/dryer.
CROSBY: Ooh, you know what? I know how to operate these.
[New Scene - Pet shop. Zeek is playing with a puppy but Max is not interested.]
ZEEK: Geez, Max, lookie here. You could have one of these, you know? You could call him skipper. He looks like a skipper, doesn't he?
MAX: I think I like this tortoise.
ZEEK: What? Ah, geez, I don't know. He doesn't, not very good-looking. All they do is move their head in and out and, you might as well get a green rock.
MAX: I like him. He's thinking. Do you like the name Miles?
MAX: Yeah, Miles.
ADAM: Can you help me remember exactly when and why this pet promise was made.
KRISTINA: Last Tuesday, his progress report. No tantrums. So we promised him that we'd get him
ADAM: Right, right, right, right. Great.
ZEEK: Max wants a turtle.
MAX: Tortoise. All right. His name is miles.
ADAM: Excellent choice.
KRISTINA: He's cute.
ADAM: Excellent choice.
KRISTINA: Low maintenance choice.
ADAM: [To Kristina.] Don't say anything, don't say anything. [To Max.] Nothing. We like the tortoise.
KRISTINA: He's cute.
[New Scene - Braverman house, Sarah is coming up the stairs.]
SARAH: Hey, mom?
SARAH: Do you wanna order something like pizza? I just saw somebody eating it on TV. It looks so good. [Seeing her mom.] Okay, that's gonna be a little formal for pizza.
CAMILLE: Yes, I'm going out tonight. Didn't I tell you?
SARAH: Oh, no. Really? You look great. Where are you going?
CAMILLE: Really? You think for, for an art show opening? My whole painting class is going.
SARAH: Oh. Okay.
CAMILLE: I can't remember the last time I got all dressed up to go out.
SARAH: Ah, me neither. Hey, can I come?
SARAH: Yeah, I'd love to come. I love art. Girls' night out?
CAMILLE: Sure. Of course. Go get dressed.
SARAH: Oh, no, I am dressed.
CAMILLE: No, really dressed.
[New Scene - Joel and Julia's house, looking out the window, Timm has just arrived.]
JOEL: A Porsche.
JULIA: I love you.
JOEL: 45 minutes late.
JULIA: I love you so much.
JOEL: Yes, you do. Okay.
JULIA: All right. Okay.
JOEL: Yeah, you get it
JULIA: Okay. [Opens the door.] Hey! Oh...
JOEL: There he is.
TIMM: Worst dinner guest ever, right?
JULIA: No, of course not. Come in.
TIMM: I'm 40 minutes late. [The exchange a friendly hug and kiss.] I'm so sorry.
JULIA: Good to see you.
JULIA: Don't worry about it.
TIMM: Good to see you, man. [They shake hands.] You look great. Look at the arms, the hair. Guy's like a rock star.
JOEL: Boy. Okay. Thanks, I guess.
TIMM: [To Julia.] Ah, thing is, they, they say it's gonna be a ten-minute phone call. You're not just dotting the "I"s, crossing the "T"s. Then suddenly they want to reopen all the deal points we spent the last six months grinding them on.
JULIA: That's the worst.
JOEL: [Sarcastically.] Yeah, that sucks.
TIMM: [Condescendingly.] Bet you're glad you don't have to deal with crap like that, huh, Joel?
TIMM: Stay-at-home dad.
TIMM: Oh Man. What do I have to do to get that job? [They share an awkward laugh.] Seriously, though, it's honorable, what you do.
TIMM: Oh, uh, this is a little something I picked up in Tuscany
JULIA: OH gosh.
little vineyard last month.
JULIA: Oh, you shouldn't have.
TIMM: This is the whole place, or
JOEL: This is it.
JULIA: Well, you know, there's the second floor. But should we have some wine?
JOEL: Wine would be awesome.
TIMM: Your, your call, absolutely.
JOEL: Let's start with our poor wine, and then we'll move on to this Tuscany.
JULIA: We'll save this for a special occasion.
[New Scene - Braverman house, Sarah dressed comes down the stairs.]
ZEEK: Hey, sweetheart.
ZEEK: Boy, you look nice.
SARAH: Thanks. You scared me. What are you doing?
ZEEK: Oh, well, you know, just getting some clothes
So how's your mom?
SARAH: You know, fine. She's keeping busy.
ZEEK: You would not believe what I am going through at your brother's house. You know that eight-year-old kid runs the joint? And the girl's virginity's hanging by a thread. Adam, Adam can't even watch a basketball game with me
[Pausing as Camille joins them.] Boy, you look beautiful. So, uh, where are you girls off to, the cotillion?
SARAH: No, well, we're going to an art gallery opening.
CAMILLE: My whole class is going.
ZEEK: Uh, Millie, can I
CAMILLE: We'd better get going. [Off camera.] Sarah?
SARAH: Dad. [To her mom.] Yeah, okay, I'm coming. [To her dad.] Okay, bye. See you later.
ZEEK: [Softly as Sarah leaves.] Have a good time.
[New Scene - Art Gallery.]
CAMILLE: That's Ingrid. In the kimono. She's all about daffodils. She sneaks them into all her paintings.
CAMILLE: And that's Harvey there, with the bushy hair and the orthopedic shoes. Yeah, he's obsessed with African masks. That's all he paints.
CAMILLE: That's Matthew.
SARAH: Uh-huh. [Surprised.] Oh, that's your teacher?
CAMILLE: He's amazing.
MATTHEW: True art has just entered the room.
CAMILLE: Oh, he always does that.
MATTHEW: You look absolutely stunning. [He greats her with a kiss to Sarah's dismay.]
CAMILLE: Really? I do? Thank you.
MATTHEW: Is this Sarah?
SARAH: Hi. How are you?
MATTHEW: Glad to meet you. Do you know how talented your mother is?
CAMILLE: He's saying that because you're here.
MATTHEW: No. Really. Can I steal your mother away for a bit?
CAMILLE: He's, he's gonna steal me away.
SARAH: Okay. Well, steal, steal, steal.
[Sarah is left alone.]
[New Scene - Back to the dinner at Joel and Julia's house.]
TIMM: So the plan is to bundle your dad's holdings with a bunch of higher-end properties.
TIMM: [To Joel] bundling is when we package a less attractive investment with some blue chips, so as to
JOEL: I understand what bundling...
TIMM: Well, uh, then we call the, uh, the Keppler group. They'll, uh, they're wired up to a big pile of China money.
TIMM: Keppler buys the bundle, which buys out your dad. And he comes away with maybe 40¢ on the dollar, but hey, it's a hell of a lot better than 0¢, right?
JULIA: And the Keppler guys, why are they into it?
TIMM: They owe me a favor for keeping their name out of the papers during the whole T.A.R.P. Mess. [To Joel again.] T.A.R.P. Stands for, uh, troubled asset relief program.
JOEL: Mm. Hmm.
TIMM: [His phone rings.] Excuse me, this one, I gotta take this one. [Answering the phone.] Dana, what's going on, brother? What happened? Uh-huh.
JULIA: [Softly to Joel.] You're my hero.
[New Scene - Back at the Art Gallery, Sarah is watching her mother and Matthew across the room.]
SARAH: [To herself.] Unbelievable.
MAN: Excuse me?
SARAH: Oh, I'm sorry, not you. It's, I mean, I get it, you know? You're hurt, you want revenge, but that, this
MAN: Who, who are we talking about?
SARAH: It's my mother. It's my, that little lady with the necklaces is my mother, and the guy she's talking to is her art teacher.
MAN: Oh, they make a cute couple.
SARAH: They're not a couple. That woman is a grandmother. Look at her flirting and giggling. It's like she's in the Sex and the City movie.
MAN: Oh, I'm so looking forward to seeing that sequel.
SARAH: Well, so am I, I'm not dead inside. But the fact is, that guy's a home wrecker.
MAN: I am gonna go and look at some art.
[New Scene - Haddie's slumber party. Most of the girls are gathered around Haddie, amber is off to the side reading.]
TISHA: Take it.
HADDIE: Oh, yeah, I did. We'll put a cat on it, but, like, it'll look better
KAYLA: since when do you like death cab? Who burned this?
HADDIE: Oh, um...Nobody. I just have to return that to somebody.
GRACE: To who?
HADDIE: [Trying to change the topic.] I'm gonna put it
GRACE: To Steve?
TISHA: Let me see that.
HADDIE: Um...Hmm. Ooh. Tisha. [Breaking the CD.]
TISHA: It was an accident.
KAYLA: Um, I say yay. Steve is a douche.
GRACE: He is.
KAYLA: The Decemberists, is this one his too?
HADDIE: No, it's not. I love them.
KAYLA: [Handing her the CD.] Do it.
GRACE: Do it.
HADDIE: Oh, I don't know.
KAYLA: He was a total jerk to you, come on.
TISHA: Break it.
GRACE: He totally deserves it.
HADDIE: Do you think I should, Amber?
AMBER: Whatever you want.
TISHA: Do it.
KAYLA: Do it. [Haddie breaks the CD.] Everybody take one.
HADDIE: That feels so good.
GRACE: Come on, Amber.
[All the girls, except Amber giggle as they break the CDs.]
GRACE: Yeah, break it.
[Amber just holds onto her CD.]
[New Scene - Adam watched the game on TV, Zeek has fallen asleep when Max comes running in waking him up.]
MAX: Miles is missing.
MAX: Uh, I went to say good night to him and he wasn't, he ran away!
ZEEK: Did you check eight inches away from where you left him?
MAX: What are we going to do?
KRISTINA: Okay, he's not in his room. I don't know where the heck this thing is. It just disappeared.
ADAM: All right, listen to me. Everything's gonna be okay. You go look around the house with mom. Grandpa and I'll look outside, okay? We'll get Haddie and her friends to help.
ZEEK: [Getting up.] Okay, well, see, I, son, this is where a dog would come in handy, right? You go, "Here, skipper. Here boy." And your dog comes. You do that to a turtle, nothing.
ADAM: I'm gonna get us some flashlights.
[New Scene - Art Gallery, Sarah is staring at a painting.]
MATTHEW: De Kooning gets a royalty every time someone looks at that.
SARAH: That's an art joke I actually get.
CAMILLE: It's funny. We're gonna go.
SARAH: You're gonna
MATTHEW: Friend of mine has a gallery in Oakland and they're also having an opening tonight.
MATTHEW: But it's a few notches down on the pretentious meter.
SARAH: Okay. Well, where is it? I'll, I'll join you.
CAMILLE: Oh, no, no. Not necessary.
SARAH: But, mom, how are you gonna get home? Do you want me to come get you later?
CROSBY: Well, Matthew will give me a ride home. You'll give me a ride home.
MATTHEW: Yeah, no problem. Sure. Oh, sure.
SARAH: [Looks surprised.]
SARAH: Well, have fun.
CAMILLE: Yes. [Blows her a kiss.] Bye, darling.
MATTHEW: [Smugly.] Bye, Sarah.
SARAH: Bye-bye. [Still in shock as she watches her mother go off with another man.]
[New Scene - Searching outside for Miles.]
ZEEK: Well, we could be out here all night looking for the turtle.
ADAM: Wait a second. I think I got him.
ZEEK: Boy, if that's him, I'm gonna enter him into a marathon. [It was a leave.] Hey, look, Adam, why don't you and me go to the pet store, we'll get a golden retriever and he can find a turtle?
ADAM: Stop with the damn dog.
ZEEK: Well, I mean, you really ought to get Max a real pet, Adam.
ADAM: Oh, my God, would you shut up? What, do you think I don't know why you're here?
ZEEK: What do you mean?
ADAM: I know that you cheated on mom.
ADAM: You heard me.
ZEEK: Who told you that?
ADAM: Well, does it matter?
ZEEK: That's none of your damn business, son.
ADAM: Well, how could you do that to her?
ZEEK: We did it to each other, Adam. It takes two to tango.
ADAM: Well, that's a load of crap, you son of a bitch.
ZEEK: Oh, no, it's not that simple, son.
ADAM: Really? Really? You're gonna blame mom for screwing around with some other woman?
ZEEK: [Getting angry.] Hey, let me tell you something. When you've been married 46 years, you come and talk to me. Until then, you just back the hell off.
[New Scene - Joel starting the dishes after dinner.]
JULIA: [Hugging Joel from behind.] Oh, my gosh. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you
JOEL: Worse than I remembered. Way worse.
JULIA: I know, he's a means to an end.
JOEL: I don't think so. We're done with that guy.
JULIA: What are you talking about?
JOEL: I don't trust him.
JULIA: Joel, don't let baggage from a million years ago become a factor in what's happening right now.
JOEL: Julia, this isn't about baggage. This is about him bundling money. Like all the crooks who got this country into the whole mess it's in, it's just
JULIA: Look. Timm is not a criminal.
JOEL: We could find somebody better. To help your dad.
JOEL: Somebody who's not such a scumbag. For starters, me. I can, I can drive out, I can take a look at the property, evaluate it, maybe there's some way I can do some work on it, uh, bring the value up.
JULIA: Joel. We're not putting anything more into this. That's throwing good money after bad. You don't have a say in this.
JOEL: You gotta be kidding me.
JULIA: [Sighs.] You know I've been over the numbers. And I've been over them and the hole is huge. And there's no one who will do us this kind of massive favor that Timm's talking about doing. The crisis is huge. My parents' marriage is in the balance. I don't know what else to say.
JOEL: Okay. [He closes the dishwasher and leaves the room.]
[New Scene - Amber and Haddie looking for the tortoise.]
HADDIE: Max kind of looks like a turtle.
AMBER: Oh man, I can see that.
HADDIE: Or like, I mean, a tortoise. I don't know. I don't know which one it is.
AMBER: Yeah, I don't really know the difference.
AMBER: Same snappy little face.
HADDIE: I know. Which is like Max's face, you know? [They giggle.] Like every day
AMBER: [Sounding serious.] Haddie. Can I talk to you for one second?
AMBER: About Steve.
HADDIE: Oh, my God. I know. I saw you guys talking in the cafeteria. He prob, did he say something weird, because he makes jokes, and, like
AMBER: [Getting emotional.] Haddie, it's not that. Uh
HADDIE: What? What?
AMBER: No, I just, this is hard.
AMBER: I, I slept, I slept with him.
HADDIE: [Think it's a joke.] Ha ha.
AMBER: [Almost crying now.] I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened, Haddie. Uh, it was an accident. I, I messed up. I, I was drinking and he was being nice, and I just, something is wrong with me. I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back. It was an accident. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please try to
HADDIE: Can you just, can you, can you stop... Talking?
AMBER: I don't know what happened. [Haddie walks inside.] Please, please don't be mad at me. Please don't be mad at me. I'm so sorry. Please. Oh, God.
[New Scene - In Max's bedroom, he is still upset.]
ADAM: Max, Max. We are going to find miles.
MAX: No, we're not!
ADAM: I promise.
MAX: You can't promise because you don't know where he is!
ADAM: You're right, you're right, I can't. But look, Max, a tortoise is never really lost because a tortoise carries its house on its back, right? Hey. Max. [Adam holds Max to settle him down.] Hey. Max. Hey. Max. Max. Max. [Zeek is watching from outside the room, as Adam brings things under control.] You're gonna be all right. Okay? All right? Okay.
[New Scene - Sarah on the couch as her mother comes home.]
CAMILLE: You waited up.
SARAH: Revenge, huh, for all those nights I made you wait up?
CAMILLE: Yeah, right. There aren't enough nights in the year.
SARAH: How was it?
CAMILLE: Oh, it was fun. We had a really good time.
SARAH: What did you do?
CAMILLE: Well, um, we went to the, the other art show. You would not believe how bad the art was. It was like someone threw up all over the canvas. We got out of there in about five minutes. And we went to, um, uh, a bar. It was a pub. Irish pub. We had Irish coffee. And, uh, it was nice. There was a, there was a band there that wasn't so great. So we left there and we went back to Matthew's place. And, um, he made us a fire and, uh, served us some port. And we talked, and, um... And, um...
CAMILLE: [Covering her mouth she realizes what she has just done.]
SARAH: Oh, mom.
[New Scene - Next day, Braverman house staircase.]
CROSBY: Go slow.
ADAM: I'm losing it.
CROSBY: No, no, no, no. Braverman, come on. Dig deep.
ADAM: No, I can't. All right, easy. Easy. Oh, God, oh, God, I'm losing it.
CROSBY: Come on, dig deep.
ADAM: Oh, oh, God.
CROSBY: Well, you know what, that's not funny. This is a priceless instrument. [Drew laughs a little.] Hey, hey, nephew of mine, don't encourage him.
DREW: All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
ADAM: He's not the one who's making his nephew carry a piano down the stairs.
DREW: Exactly, exactly.
ADAM: All right, hold on.
ALL OF THEM: [Together] Hold on, hold on, hold on.
CROSBY: Do you need me to get it?
JOEL: Yeah, would you just grab this?
CROSBY: Okay, all right, I got it. Okay. You got it? I'm holding it, yeah.
JOEL: Just gotta get this.
CROSBY: Oh. Oh, Don Rickles is here. The first time you've ever made a joke, and you decide to do it when I'm holding a piano.
JOEL: It felt pretty good.
CROSBY: You know what?
CROSBY: I'm never asking you guys to help me move anything ever again.
DREW: You promise? Excellent.
CROSBY: I'll show you promise. Come on, let's go, go, go, go, go! Keep the momentum. Go, go, go, go, go!
ADAM: Come on. Come on.
[New Scene - Same time in the Attic.]
SYDNEY: I like this picture, mommy. You look like a princess.
JULIA: Oh, yeah, that's prom.
STEVE: Is that daddy?
JULIA: No, sweetie, look at it. It's my friend, Timm.
SYDNEY: Timmmmm. [Sounding just like her dad.]
[New Scene - Outside, they are loading the piano on to a pickup truck. This time Sarah, Kristina and Jasmine help the guys.]
JABBAR: Come on back.
MAX: Come on back.
[Lots of groaning as they lift.]
CAMILLE: [To Amber, off to the side.] So where's Haddie? [She shrugs her shoulders.]
CROSBY: That's it? You got that right angle?
JABBAR: Come on back.
CROSBY: Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, push.
KRISTINA: I actually did something.
CROSBY: And you said it couldn't be done. Okay. To thank you for your not-so-heroic efforts, I present to you solace, a Mexican serenade.
THE REST: [Together.] No!
SARAH: Play something else.
JASMINE: Well, what's wrong with that one?
ADAM: Oh, it's a song he played for his sixth grade recital.
SARAH: We've heard it like 10,000 times.
ADAM: Ten million.
JASMINE: I wanna hear it.
SARAH: It's gonna bring me back in time to a very unattractive hairdo.
CROSBY: Keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?
JASMINE: Aw. It sounds good.
JOEL: It's not as awful as I remember it.
CROSBY: Oh, some songs never get old, right?
SARAH: Except that one.
CROSBY: Except for this one, that's right.
KRISTINA: I like it.
ADAM: Oh, please.
CROSBY: Go ahead, Joel.
JOEL: May I?
CROSBY: Yeah, give Jasmine a whirl.
JOEL: Oh, here we go, yes.
CROSBY: Joel! Joel, let's keep a little distance.
JOEL: I'll do a, I'll just do a
KRISTINA: Do I get a dip?
CROSBY: You know who's a good dancer. Aunt Sarah. She hates to do it, but once she gets started, boy, there's nothing stopping her.
[Scene Close with a look at Amber, Camille is hugging her from behind.]
[New Scene - Haddie is alone in her room. The piano music continues to play. Focus on a photo of Haddie and Steve.]
[New Scene - Camille is setting up her new art studio, Sarah comes to see. Same music still playing.]
[New Scene - Adam's living room. Zeek has found Miles the tortes. The music continues.]
ADAM: Well. Look who's the hero. Where did you find him?
ZEEK: He was in my shoe. They don't have a very good sense of smell.
ADAM: Well, Max is gonna be thrilled. Why don't you go give it to him?
ZEEK: Oh, no, here, you give it to him.
ADAM: All right. [Taking Miles.] Here, buddy.
ZEEK: You know something, Sonny. You're ten times the father I ever was.
ADAM: That's not true.
ZEEK: Yes, it is.
ADAM: Five times maybe.
MAX: [Entering the room.] Miles!
ADAM: Grandpa found him.
ZEEK: I think your mom's gonna forgive me.
ADAM: I wouldn't. But then again, I haven't been married for 46 years.
1.11 - Solace
Original Airdate (NBC) May 11, 2010
Written by Jeff Greenstein
Directed by Ken Whittingham
Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com
Please Don't Use Without Permission!
This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
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