1.06 - The Big O
Transcript by Craig Best

[Opening scene - Morning, Adam and Kristina are in bed moaning as Adam roles off his wife.]


KRISTINA: Honey, wow.


KRISTINA: [Looks at the clock and sighs.] Whew. Honey… I have to wash Max's bandana.

ADAM: Huh?

KRISTINA: It's filthy. If he's gonna be a pirate, At least he's gonna be a clean pirate. It's like ring around the neck. [Quickly gets out of bed.] Oh, my god, and his behavioural aide is gonna be here. At 10:00, and we both need. To be on the same page with all this stuff. I have a thousand questions that I want to ask her, And you know what else? I forgot to tell you that Haddie has a biology test, You know, and she has not even studied for it.

ADAM: Uh...

KRISTINA: Not once. Really getting me mad. She doesn't even, like, Care about it.

ADAM: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. Hey, we just had morning sex. Like, free, bonus, Unadulterated, like, pre-kid morning sex.

KRISTINA: Uh-huh. It was nice.

ADAM: Nice?

KRISTINA: It was, um... it was amazingly nice.

ADAM: Amazingly nice?

KRISTINA: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Chop-chop. Let's go. Just meet me downstairs.

ADAM: Nice?

[New Scene - Sarah driving her kids to school.]

SARAH: Why does school start so early? 8:30, so dumb. And Monday. Why not start Tuesday?

DREW: Shouldn't we be the ones complaining, no?

SARAH: Well, I'm just saying, why start on Monday? Why not start on Tuesday?

AMBER: Can you pull over up here?

SARAH: Why? What do you mean?

AMBER: Just stop right here, please.

SARAH: School's over there. Are you kidding me? I'm so embarrassing. That I can't drop you off in front of school?

AMBER: Kind of.

MARK: Morning.

SARAH & AMBER: [Together] Hey.


MARK: Don't Monday's suck?

AMBER: I was just saying that. I literally just said that. That's so weird.

MARK: I'll see you in class.

AMBER: Okay.

SARAH & AMBER: [Together] Bye.

AMBER: Bye, Mr. Cyr.

[The girls smile at each other before Amber gets out for school.]

[New Scene - Julia's office.]



CROSBY: We just lost our key witness in our Downey-Smith trial.

JULIA: What are you doing here?

CROSBY: I don't know what... I got the results of the paternity test. I didn't really want to open it by myself.


CROSBY: So maybe you could help out.

JULIA: That's really sweet, and it's also kind of pathetic. Here.

CROSBY: There's no pictures of me at all in this whole office. You're embarrassed to have me in the family?

JULIA: Oh, by the way, I got you and Jabbar. Into Joel's Wednesday playgroup.

CROSBY: Wait, you got us in?

JULIA: There's a three-month wait list.

CROSBY: For a playgroup?

JULIA: How long is this gonna take? Come on, open it.

CROSBY: Well, I mean, Can't we work up to it?

JULIA: Can you... open it.

CROSBY: What are you... what are you in such a hurry for?

JULIA: Are you afraid of being a father or not being a father?

CROSBY: Yes, both.

JULIA: You're a wimp.

CROSBY: You're a tyrant.

JULIA: Mm-hmm. You're welcome. Open it.

CROSBY: [Mutters as he reads the letter. Then smiles with a small laugh.] Um... [Clears throat] He's mine. I'm a father. So... So... Whoo, what... what... what do I do now? I mean, what's the... I got to buy a microwave. And move to the suburbs? Oh, my god, we got to tell mom and dad.

JULIA: Yes, you do.

CROSBY: No, we'll go together, you and I.

JULIA: Grow up.

CROSBY: Growing up means asking for help, which I'm doing.

JULIA: Oh, that's very mature of you, but also grow up and do it yourself.

CROSBY: I don't think you've read one of those books. I think that's all for show.

JULIA: [Chuckles] Good luck.

CROSBY: You want to frame this for your office? 'cause this might be the document that made me grow up. It would look great here. I mean, I know you don't want any pictures of me, so maybe just this.

JULIA: You'll be fine!

[New Scene - Adam and Kristina open their front door.]

GABY: Hi, I'm Gaby.


GABY: I'm Max's behavioural aide.




KRISTINA: Come on in.

GABY: Thanks.

[New Scene - Short time later inside.]

ADAM: Uh... So how do you usually start with a kid like Max?

GABY: Well, you guys tell me. What would be most helpful to get started with?

KRISTINA: [Kristina hand's her a coffee.] There you go.

GABY: Thank you.

ADAM: Uh, honey?

KRISTINA: Have a seat.

ADAM: What, uh... what do you think?

KRISTINA: Oh, god, um... [Clears throat] I don't even know where to begin. There's so many things. I mean...

GABY: Well, if there were a behaviour of Max's. You could wave a wand and change, what would it be?

ADAM: How much would a wand like that cost?

KRISTINA: Oh, gosh, in the mornings it takes him a really long time to get ready, like, a really long time.

ADAM: His diet... he's got a very limited diet. He'll only eat certain things, cooked in certain ways.

KRISTINA: Right, like, he'll only eat eggs if they're cooked in the orange frying pan.

ADAM: That sort of behaviour normal for a kid with Asperger's?

GABY: The orange frying pan is new.

ADAM: Oh, it's weird, even for a kid with Asperger's. Great.

KRISTINA: And he has tan... tantrums, temper tantrums, sometimes severe.

ADAM: I don't know if I'd call them severe.

KRISTINA: Biting, the fish tank.

ADAM: All right.

KRISTINA: There was an incident.

ADAM: Okay.

GABY: Okay, tell me... how's he doing socially? Does he have a lot of friends? Does he have play dates?



KRISTINA: Max doesn't really have any friends.

GABY: Okay. Why don't we start there?

KRISTINA: That's good.

[Opening Credits - featuring “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan]

[New Scene - Short time later with max.]

MAX: A Horned lizard can squirt blood from its eyes. The Armadillo lizard can curl itself up into a tight ball. To protect itself from attack. [An alarm beeps.] the Sungazer lizard has spikes. That cover its whole body. And lots of lizards can change colors.

GABY: That's very cool, Max. So we've been doing what you want for 20 minutes. It's time to try one of my games.

MAX: No way.

KRISTINA: Hey, Max, be polite.

GABY: Max, you get to choose whichever one you want.

KRISTINA: You know what? He doesn't like board games at all.

GABY: Okay.

KRISTINA: We've tried.

GABY: When you make a deal, He has to hold up his end of the bargain.


GABY: All right, Max, Check this out. [She holds up a book.]

MAX: Cool.

GABY: This is the deal, okay? Every minute you play one of these games, you get a sticker. I have a whole bunch of them in my bag here, all right? So you get up to 20 stickers, cash them in, You get the book. What do you say?

MAX: How about I get the book first, then we play the game?

GABY: I know how you feel, 'cause you know what? I used to always want my dessert before my dinner, and it always turned out I had to have my veggies first, so...


MAX: Forget it, then.

KRISTINA: Max! Honey, you know what? Why don't we go get a cookie?

MAX: Yeah, sure.

GABY: [To Max.] No, no, no cookies. [To Kristina.] You got to stick with the plan. Okay.

GABY: You gotta be firm.


GABY: I'm sorry.


GABY: Max, no cookie today. The reward is the book.

MAX: I want the book.

GABY: So we're gonna have to play a game.

MAX: No. I want the book.

KRISTINA: When he has that tone... when he has that tone, All bets are off.

GABY: It's okay.

KRISTINA: He's gonna lose it.

GABY: That's okay. That's okay.

KRISTINA: He's gonna lose it.

GABY: Listen, Max, nothing here is gonna change. Unless you put Guacamole back in the cage. You make the choice.

MAX: Sorry, Guacamole.

GABY: [chuckles]


GABY: Okay, let's pick a game.

[New Scene - Mr Cyr in his empty classroom.]


MARK: Hey, Amber, what's up?

AMBER: Um, I was just wondering, um... I know I didn't seem very excited about it in class, but I was just wondering if... if you were still trying to get people to join. That weird literary magazine thingy, 'The Spectrum'?

MARK: Yeah, yeah. Are you interested?

AMBER: I mean, sure, I guess, 'cause I have to have, like, extra curricular activities anyway, so I might as well, like, right?

MARK: Well, with a passionate plea like that, how can I say no? Uh, yeah, that's... that's great. That's fantastic. So I guess the next step is we are formatting. Tomorrow after school in the computer lab, so just…

AMBER: Cool.

MARK: …go there.

AMBER: Formatting in computer labs and here I thought it would be nerdy and lame.

MARK: [Laughs] not at all. And then we're gonna be footnoting and endnoting, and it's gonna be so cool. [Laughs]

AMBER: Great.

MARK: Bunch of cool people.

AMBER: You have chalk on your...


AMBER: Yeah.

MARK: It's an occupational hazard. I put it there on purpose.

AMBER: [Chuckles] Okay. Bye.

MARK: All right, see you around.

AMBER: Bye-bye.

MARK: Thanks, Amber.

AMBER: Okay.

[New Scene - Braverman house.]

CAMILLE: Oh. This is new. Has it been washed before?

CROSBY: Um, I don't think so.

CAMILLE: Well, I should wash it separately.

CROSBY: No, you can wash it with all the other tees.

CAMILLE: Well, it's red, you know. It'll bleed if it hasn't been washed before.

CROSBY: All right, well, if you don't mind, then I guess that's...

CAMILLE: I don't mind.

CROSBY: Better. Okay.

ZEEK: Jeez, didn't you do, like, eight loads here last week?

CROSBY: Jeez, get in a fight with a leaf blower?

CAMILLE: He just wants to visit us, and this is a good excuse.

CROSBY: Hey, I'm glad you're both here. There's, um... There's something I've been meaning to tell you. S-somebody's come into my life recently.

CAMILLE: Oh, boy, here we go again.

ZEEK: What happened to Katie? She was a nice girl, Katie.

CROSBY: Yeah, nothing happened to Katie. You know, this is kind of serious.

CAMILLE: Well, isn't it always serious?

ZEEK: For the first week and a half. [Laughs]

CROSBY: [Laughs mockingly] I'm so glad I can entertain you.

CAMILLE: Oh, come on, we're only joking. Uh, tell us all about her.

CROSBY: [Talking his time.] You know what? I got to run to the studio. I'll tell you when I get through with that.

[New Scene - Whiskey Mike's, Mark Cyr enters the busy bar.]

SARAH: Oh, hi.


SARAH: [To a co-worker.] Ooh, sorry, hon. Sorry. Can you grab them in the corner? [To Mark] Hi. What... what'll you have?

MARK: Um, I'm... I'm okay. Um, c-can we talk for just one second, Maybe, over here?

SARAH: Yeah.

MARK: Sorry.

SARAH: No, no.

MARK: One second.

SARAH: Is, uh...?

MARK: Very short.

SARAH: Is everything okay with Amber?

MARK: Uh, no, yeah, she's fine. No, I'm actually... I'm here on my own behalf. I just, uh, wanted to... Say... And, uh, this is really lame. And probably embarrassing for me, But, um, I'm gonna say it. I, um... I really like you, and...

MAN: Hey, Sarah, can I get another drink down here, please?

SARAH: Just one second. [To Mark] I'm sorry. Go on.

MARK: No, that's fine. You know, I've been thinking about you, um, since we met, and you just... you make me laugh. And you make me feel good. And I just feel like there's...

MAN: Sarah.

SARAH: I'm so sorry, don't, please don't…

MARK: Something that I'll tell you in a second...

SARAH: Okay. Okay.

MARK: After you take care. Of your customer.

SARAH: Thank you. [To the man.] Yes, yes. Another one? Okay. All right.

MAN: Yeah.

SARAH: That's on the house. Okay.

MAN: Oh, sweet.

SARAH: Enjoy that. Yeah.

MAN: Ooh.

[Sarah rushes back to Mark.]

MARK: So...


MARK: Okay, so I, um... I just sense that there's this connection, even though, you know, I... Whatever.

SARAH: Fall asleep when you try to count to my age?

MARK: [laughs] No, no, despite that, Um, I... Teach your daughter.

SARAH: I have a daughter?

MARK: [Laughs] Um... So I-I-I wanted to give you this, and I know that texting is the thing. That most of the kids are doing nowadays, but I think there's something more romantic. About, um, pen and paper. Uh, but don't open it right now. Uh, I'm gonna go.

SARAH: Okay.

MARK: And, uh, yeah. It was nice to see you. And just follow the directions.

SARAH: All right, teach.

MARK: All... [Laughs] all right. I am gonna go. I like your seahorse.

SARAH: Thanks. Nice to "see horse" you.

MARK: [Laughs off camera as he leaves.]

MAN: Hey, Sarah?

SARAH: Okay.

MAN: You forgot the ice.

SARAH: Oh, yeah? [She is distracted looking at the note before going back to work.] Ice, ice.

[New Scene - Crosby's houseboat.]

CROSBY: You're asking for my advice?

SARAH: It's true.

CROSBY: Oh this is so great.

SARAH: [Muffled as she eats 'Crisp and Crunch'] I know.

CROSBY: You never come to me.

SARAH: Well, you know...


SARAH: There's a first for everything. What's next? You asking me for advice?

CROSBY: Yeah, maybe. [Sarah giggles.] Oh, sorry, go. What is it?

SARAH: I met someone.

CROSBY: Uh-huh.

SARAH: And, um... He's, uh... he's great. He's Amber's teacher, And, um, he's kind of young.

CROSBY: Is he legal?



SARAH: Yeah. He's 26. Gross.

CROSBY: Oh, okay. Oh, he's married.

SARAH: What? No.

CROSBY: Then what are you asking me about? You're... you're all systems go. Is that it?

SARAH: Do you not understand the subtlety of the situation? What about Amber? The guy's younger than Julia. He's younger than me by a lot.

CROSBY: Look... You want to say yes.

SARAH: I do?

CROSBY: That's why you're asking me. If you wanted to say no, You'd ask Dudley do-right or judge Julia.

SARAH: You don't think it's weird?

CROSBY: No way.

SARAH: No rules.



CROSBY: I didn't read a rulebook.

SARAH: Thank you so much.


SARAH: I feel much better.

CROSBY: Hey, this went pretty good, huh?

SARAH: I know.

CROSBY: Right? For a trial run?

SARAH: Pretty good. Maybe I'll start asking you for all kinds of advice.

CROSBY: So, you know, anytime you want advice... [He hugs his sister to her surprise.]

SARAH: Oh, really? All right. Okay. Yeah.

CROSBY: And just, you know, maybe to make it even, I'm just throwing this out there. But what if you came with me, to tell mom and dad about Jabbar?

SARAH: What? No.

CROSBY: Wait, then you owe me one, something else. Think about it.

SARAH: [Snorts.] Okay.


SARAH: Thanks for your advice. Tell them yourself, you freak.

CROSBY: Great. Yeah.

[New Scene - Outside in a park with Max and Gaby.]

MAX: The standard-issue gun in the military. Is the M4A1. Now, that's one of the most famous assault rifles there is…

ADAM: [Watching them play from a distance.] This is... this is great. I cancelled a meeting to find out. That we're paying $30 an hour for a babysitter. This is costing us a lot of money, Kristina.

KRISTINA: [To Adam.] I know. I understand.

ADAM: That's all. I just want to see some results, that's all.


MAX: Well, do you have a gun?

GABY: I do not have a gun, Max.

MAX: Well, if you were gonna get a gun, the... the AK-47 is...

ADAM: This is great. She's playing ball with him and looking up the hill.

GABY: Hey, Max, it looks like that girl over there. Wants to play some four square... Over there by the tree.

MAX: Why?

GABY: Why don't you go ask her if she wants to play?

MAX: I'll just play with you.

GABY: Actually...

MAX: I'll just play with you.


KRISTINA: [scoffs]

ADAM: She's gonna try to get him to play with that kid...


ADAM: That girl by the tree.

KRISTINA: Good luck.

ADAM: Yeah and a blizzard's coming in later today too.

KRISTINA: Mm-hmm. Right.

GABY: And you get a lizard, on the way home.

MAX: What kind of lizard?

GABY: Any lizard you want.

MAX: Okay.

KRISTINA: You know how many times I've tried this?

GABY: Now, remember, look her in the eye, okay? And don't forget to give her a smile.

MAX: Hi, I'm Max.

JESSICA: I'm Jessica.

ADAM: Huh.

MAX: Oh, uh, do you want to play four square?


MAX: [Softly to Gaby.] I did it.

GABY: You'll get it. [whispers] You'll get your lizard.

ADAM: Well, how about that? [Looks at Kristina.] Hey, you know, she just got lucky.

KRISTINA: No, she didn't.

[Gaby signals a 'thumbs up' sign to Adam and Kristina, she returns it with a smile.]

ADAM: Sweetie... Hey.

[New Scene - Play date at Joel's house.]

JOEL: [Roars as he entertains the kids] The dragon is hungry! [The kids growl and shriek as they play.]

WOMAN: Isn't he amazing? All kids should have a male role model like Joel.

CROSBY: Yeah, he's really great with them, huh?

WOMAN: It's a gift.

CROSBY: He's like a rock star.

WOMAN: Big-time.

JOEL: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. It looks like the princess. Has some ants on a log for all of you.

RACQUEL: Look what Joel made, everybody.

JOEL: Who wants some of those?

[The kids cheer.]


JOEL: There they are.

RACQUEL: Okay. You wanna do that?

JOEL: Oh, absolutely.

RACQUEL: Do you need anything? [She touches Joel's arm.]

JOEL: I'm good, I'm good.

CROSBY: Oh, look at this. She's the president of his fan club here.

RACQUEL: You okay? You okay?

JOEL: I think so.

[New Scene - Back at the Park with Max. Kristina and Gaby sit at a picnic table watching Max play with the girl.]

KRISTINA: [laughs] He's having a ball.

GABY: Mm-hmm.

KRISTINA: I just... I don't know how you did it. I mean, I've been trying to do this for so long, And I'm... I'm just amazed. Do you want a snack... an apple or something? I have tons.

GABY: How are you?


GABY: How are you... Yeah, how are you doing?

KRISTINA: I'm good.

GABY: But I mean, like...

KRISTINA: I'm good, I promise. It's just so nice to see Max play with other kids, you know. [Clears throat] mm-hmm. And you helped him do it.

GABY: Mm-hmm.

KRISTINA: You did.

GABY: None of this is easy, you know.

KRISTINA: I'm sorry. I just feel like a loser. I feel like a total loser. [Now almost crying.] I've been trying to do this for so long, and you make it seem so easy. I mean, just watching...

GABY: It's not. It's hard, and I only work with him a few hours a day. This is your life, you know?

KRISTINA: [Sighing] oh.

GABY: I don't know how you do it.

KRISTINA: I know. I... well, that's what nobody gets. I try to explain... Just the worry... the worry never goes away. Like, I-I find myself up late at night. Just worrying about Max, and... Is there something we should have tried? Something we should try? When I'm not worried about him, I'm worried about the fact. That I'm not worried about Haddie. And when I'm not worried about Haddie... It's just like it never stops, you know? Adam and I... maybe we get a-a chance. To spend some time alone, just together...

GABY: Yeah.

KRISTINA: Some miracle chance. It's like I cannot stop worrying long enough. To enjoy anything... Anything, like a movie. Or a nice dinner or sex, if... Oh, my god, I'm sorry. I shouldn't...

GABY: No, no, no, no.

KRISTINA: I'm so sorry.

GABY: It's okay.

KRISTINA: Don't tell him I said that.

GABY: I won't.

KRISTINA: 'cause he does satisfy me...

GABY: I'm sure he does.

KRISTINA: A lot. He's got a good one.

[They both laugh.]

KRISTINA: Okay. Never mind.

GABY: Listen, you need to relax.

KRISTINA: Oh, my god.

GABY: Honestly, you're too hard on yourself. You need to just cut yourself some slack and relax.

KRISTINA: Okay. Okay, then I'm gonna go to Hawaii, and you can raise my son.

GABY: I'll babysit. How about that?


GABY: Okay.


[New Scene - Julia's office.]

JULIA: [Speaking to someone on the phone.] Yeah, I don't think. That they're gonna spring anything on you. The deposition is now set for Thursday morning. [Crosby comes in and starts hugging his sister.] And, um, we're gonna go over all of it, at the briefing beforehand.

CROSBY: [Whispering] Thank you.

JULIA: You know what? Can... can I call you back about this? Just give me a couple minutes. Something has come up in the family. I-I will call you right back.

[Crosby helps her hang up the phone.]

CROSBY: Thank you.

JULIA: For what?

CROSBY: The playgroup...

JULIA: Yeah?

CROSBY: Was inspirational. I mean, wow. Your husband is a rock star.

JULIA: He is, isn't he?

CROSBY: [Lying on the couch.] Oh! I mean, no disrespect to dad, but it's like I finally have a role model now. You know, someone I want to be like as a dad.

JULIA: [Getting some files from under his feet.] [Softly] Oh, my god. [Normal voice.] Adam's a good dad.

CROSBY: Well, yeah, he's a great dad, but he's not a rock star. Joel... On the other hand, wow.

JULIA: Wait, okay, what do you mean by rock star?

CROSBY: Well, he's worshipped.

JULIA: Oh, yeah.

CROSBY: Like a deity.

JULIA: Yeah, the kids love him.

CROSBY: Well, not just the kids, believe me.

JULIA: What do you mean?

CROSBY: Nothing.

JULIA: No, no, you said "worshipped." who worships him?

CROSBY: [He starts to get up.] You know, the, um... [Julia stops him.] The... the kids. And... and the two gay dads, Timmy and tony, Or whatever, and me.

JULIA: Yeah.

CROSBY: And the other moms.

JULIA: Which other moms?

CROSBY: All the other moms.

JULIA: All the other moms?

CROSBY: Well, no, not all of them.

JULIA: Racquel? Is it Racquel?

CROSBY: I really couldn't say.

JULIA: Oh, you're such a bad liar.

CROSBY: I know. [Laughs]

JULIA: So... so come on.

CROSBY: Listen.

JULIA: So... so what is she like when I'm not around?

CROSBY: I... look, I don't know.

JULIA: Does she flirt?

CROSBY: Well, you know, how does one define flirting these days?

JULIA: Gazing, smiling, touching, smiling again, providing multiple beverages.

CROSBY: Check.

JULIA: Yeah?

CROSBY: Yeah, and ants on a log. But it's totally harmless. I mean, Joel would never...

JULIA: No, I know. It's fine. It's... it's completely fine.

CROSBY: Okay, good.

JULIA: So give me details.

CROSBY: Look, I-I don't really want to go down this road with you. I'm new to the playgroup. And it's just, like, the first rule of playgroup. Is there is no playgroup. [gets up and starts to leave.] You're gonna have to find another source.

JULIA: That's cool. I got what I need, Crosby.

CROSBY: Good luck.

[New Scene - Night time, Kristina and her family are finishing up dinner with Gaby.]

KRISTINA: I've never played that.

HADDIE: Yeah, it's not that hard to play, though.

KRISTINA: It's not?

GABY: Yeah, I mean, he's actually pretty good at it.

KRISTINA: Can you teach me?

GABY: Hey I think, I think…

ADAM: Hey, sorry I'm late.

HADDIE: Come on. There's no way.

KRISTINA: He did. I swear to god.

HADDIE: Hey, dad.

ADAM: Hey.

KRISTINA: Hi, honey.




[They kiss]

KRISTINA: Hi, honey.

ADAM: You...

HADDIE: Hey, dad?

ADAM: [Breaking off the kiss.] Yeah?

HADDIE: Um, is it okay if I go over to Jenna's?

ADAM: Yeah, sure.

HADDIE: Okay, thanks.

ADAM: Hey, buddy.

MAX: I played with a girl at the park today, and so I got a lizard, and tomorrow I'm gonna get bugs.

ADAM: That's great.

KRISTINA: [Softly to Adam.] He did so good.

ADAM: Wow. [To Gaby.] Hi.


ADAM: Good day?

GABY: Very good day.

KRISTINA: Thank you so much.

ADAM: And, uh, everything's working out?

KRISTINA: Yeah, everything's good.

ADAM: Got a plan for tomorrow?

KRISTINA: Should I get some more of those index cards?

GABY: Sure.

KRISTINA: Okay, perfect.

ADAM: Everything is progressing all right?

GABY: Yes. Everything's going great. You guys just need to relax.

KRISTINA: Thank you so much.

GABY: You're welcome.

KRISTINA: You're a gem.

GABY: You relax tonight. You got to relax.

KRISTINA: [Mumbles coyly] All right? Okay.

ADAM: Thank you.

KRISTINA: Mum's the word. Bye.

ADAM: She's working out great. I mean, it looks like everything's getting. A lot better.

KRISTINA: Oh, yes, they went so much better, you don't even understand. Oh, my gosh. [She starts kissing his keck.]

ADAM: Oh. Mm.


ADAM: Oh, wow, that early-morning shoulder massage is paying off.

KRISTINA: Honey, Max played with this little girl. For hours and hours.

ADAM: Yeah. Uh-huh. Is that what's making you all frisky... Max's play date? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

KRISTINA: No, no, I just... I was so wrong about her. I mean, she is, like, the best thing ever.

ADAM: Uh-huh.

KRISTINA: I can't even... oh, she's great.

ADAM: Yeah?

KRISTINA: She's great. Mm-hmm.

ADAM: [chuckles] What was that little wink-wink, nudge-nudge all about?


ADAM: You know, the little "just relax tonight" And the little...


ADAM: Wink she gave you there.

KRISTINA: Just had a little... had a little meltdown earlier, nothing big.

ADAM: Are you doing okay?

KRISTINA: I just, you know, sort of ended up unloading on Gaby. About how stressed I am... we are... And how worried I am all the time. And how sometimes, you know, it's hard for us to connect. In certain ways, And she was really helpful.

ADAM: What do you mean?

KRISTINA: How when we have certain times together, and I can't relax.

ADAM: Kristina, we're keeping our private life private, right? You're not talking to her about sex.

KRISTINA: Honey, of course.

ADAM: Kristina are you talking to her about our sex life?

KRISTINA: A little bit, it's a natural thing. It was... it came up once, and it was just it. She brought it up.

ADAM: Uh, well, what... what exactly are you telling her? I mean, you're not saying that you're not enjoying it.

KRISTINA: No. No. Why would I tell her that? That's so dumb.

ADAM: But I mean, you are, aren't you? I mean, you've been enjoying it.

KRISTINA: Will you rela...

ADAM: I'm relaxed.

KRISTINA: Yes, I'm enjoying it...

ADAM: Uh-huh. You're satisfied?

KRISTINA: A lot. Yes.

ADAM: You sure?


ADAM: Wait a minute.

KRISTINA: Feeling sexy.

ADAM: What'd you tell her?

KRISTINA: What'd I tell her when? What? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm starting to get sweaty. What?

ADAM: Have you... have you been... Faking it?

KRISTINA: [Scoffs]

ADAM: Well, that doesn't look good.

KRISTINA: I did not say that.

ADAM: No, clearly.

KRISTINA: I did not say that.

ADAM: Clearly you have been. Why would you do that?

KRISTINA: Honey, once in a while, I do. You know, I don't... I don't want you to think...

ADAM: I don't want you to fake it. I want you to have, you know, healthy...

KRISTINA: I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate the effort.

ADAM: The effort? What, like it's a science project?

KRISTINA: 'cause you do a good job.

ADAM: I don't need you to comfort me by faking it.

KRISTINA: Honey, I feel good. Why don't you sit down and eat? Or drink? Drink. Why don't you drink something?

ADAM: Why would you tell her about that?

KRISTINA: I... she listened to me, and she opened up.

ADAM: So just now, I mean, just this... You were faking it just before.

KRISTINA: Honey, understand something. I feel better today than I have felt in so long.

ADAM: What about that time after the Jon Stewart Daily Show? That was pretty intense. That was the real deal, right?


ADAM: I mean, you weren't faking it then, were you?

KRISTINA: No. I swear.

ADAM: You sure?

KRISTINA: Yeah. Yeah.

ADAM: I just... you know, I want to be able to know. That you're really satisfied.

[New Scene - Julia arrives home.]

JOEL: Whoa. You're home early.

JULIA: I am… Crosby said he had a good time at the play date.

JOEL: Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was fun.

JULIA: He called you a rock star.

JOEL: Really? Crosby said something nice about me, huh? [He kisses Julia] That's a first.

JULIA: In fact, he used the word "worshipped."

JOEL: Why does that not sound like a good thing?

JULIA: Did Racquel hit on you?

JOEL: Is that what Crosby said?

JULIA: He didn't have to. I inferred.

JOEL: No, she did not hit on me. [Julia looks at Joel and nods.] She didn't, I swear. Julia...

JULIA: So you're saying I have nothing to worry about? There's nothing to worry about?

JOEL: Yeah.

JULIA: She didn't hit on you.


JULIA: She's never hit on you? [He can't answer her.] Joel.

JOEL: Okay. All right. Nothing happened. A couple months ago, she got a little, um... And I-I shut it down... Totally. And that was it.

JULIA: How could she... how could... you're a father. Our daughters are best friends. How could she... what did she do?

JOEL: Her husband was out of town on work. You were working late. The girls fell asleep. And, uh, I guess she started talking to me about troubles in her marriage, and I listened, and she... She misinterpreted. And...

JULIA: And what? She kissed you. Joel, did she kiss you?

JOEL: She tried. I stopped it. End of story.

JULIA: Wow. Wow. How come you didn't tell me?

JOEL: I didn't want things to get weird.

JULIA: I thought I was insane for being jealous of her. You let me think that I was insane.

JOEL: Harmony is Sydney's best friend, Julia.

JULIA: And you're using our daughter as your excuse for not telling me?

JOEL: Yeah, because it's the truth.

JULIA: Okay. Okay. I don't want that woman in our lives.

JOEL: Oh, come on, Julia.

JULIA: Is that too much to ask?

JOEL: [sighs] You take away Racquel, you take away Harmony and our daughter is left without her best friend.

JULIA: Our daughter is five years old and she will make new friends, right?

JOEL: Come on.

JULIA: What if I was at work every day with a guy who hit on me? Okay?

JOEL: So, um... Do you want to tell Sydney, or should I?

JULIA: I'll tell her.

[They watch Sydney playing by herself in the other room.]

JULIA: I'll tell her tomorrow.

JOEL: [Hugging Julia.] Sorry.

JULIA: Thank you. Okay.

[New Scene -


ADAM: Hey.


ADAM: What are you doing?

SARAH: Nothing. What are you doing?

ADAM: Dropping this stuff off for dad.

SARAH: Oh, yeah?

ADAM: Where is everybody?

SARAH: Oh, god, I don't know. Crosby went somewhere with mom and dad, and Drew's avoiding me like always, and Sarah's really, really late coming home from school. And she's probably smoking or drinking or... [sighs] stealing something. I don't know, so...

ADAM: Have you ever faked an orgasm?

SARAH: What?

ADAM: Just address the question, please.

SARAH: I don't know that it's a question I want to answer.

ADAM: You're my sister. Just answer the question, would you?

SARAH: No, I haven't had to. [She smiles and tosses a bottle top into the air to catch it.]

ADAM: Cool.

SARAH: Wait, wait, why... why are you asking?

ADAM: No reason.

SARAH: Oh, no, no.

ADAM: All right,

SARAH: Unless...

ADAM: I'm out of here.

SARAH: No, no, wait. I'm just kidding. Of course I have. And... and if someone in your life has, that's okay too.

ADAM: Well, you have?

SARAH: Yes, of course. Everybody has.

ADAM: Well, when?

SARAH: I don't know. A couple different times.

ADAM: Why?

SARAH: A couple different reasons.

ADAM: Well, can you name them? I mean, I don't... I just don't get it.

SARAH: [She sighs] It's like... We don't want you to feel bad.

ADAM: God, this is just horrible.

SARAH: It's not horrible.

ADAM: What, are you all in on this?

SARAH: It's not horrible. We're not all in on it. She shouldn't have told you, first of all. That breaks the code right there.

ADAM: Well, how am I supposed to tell?

SARAH: You can't tell, honey. It's fake. Sorry.

ADAM: Well, I don't get it. I really don't get it. I mean, why fake it at all?

SARAH: 'cause it's too long to explain in the moment. It's like you just kind of, you know, put on a happy face and just, you know, better luck next time.

ADAM: But it's a lie. It's an act.

SARAH: Yeah, but it's not a lie. It is an act, but it's an act of... of something positive. It's... it's an act of generosity. It's a gift.

ADAM: A gift?


ADAM: How... how is faking it a gift?

SARAH: Because it says to you, 'Thank you so much for trying. Please come again soon. Come again as soon as you possibly'...

ADAM: [Noticing Amber] Hi.



ADAM: Uh, okay, thanks. Just tell dad shoes, light bulbs...

SARAH: So come back again next time, and I'll just give him those. Okay. [To Amber.] Where have you been?

AMBER: School.

SARAH: [scoffs] where were you? Just tell me.

AMBER: I was seriously at school this time.

SARAH: Doing what?

AMBER: Extra-credit stuff. I was, uh, formatting in the computer lab, if you must know.

SARAH: I don't even understand that. What does that mean?

AMBER: It's extra credit for school, okay? Mr. Cyr, my English teacher.

SARAH: Oh. For Mr. Cyr?

AMBER: Yeah.

SARAH: Oh, that's great.

AMBER: Yeah.

SARAH: Extra credit, that's good.

AMBER: Yeah, no big deal.

SARAH: No, I know. I'm just... I'm... I-I-I'm proud of you. You know, extra credit, that's extra.

AMBER: Okay.

SARAH: You don't have to do that.

AMBER: Don't be weird.

SARAH: I'm not weird.

[Amber leaves and Sarah gets the note out from Mark Cyr, Adding 'Its Complicated' to the list.]

[New Scene - Crosby is at the diner with his parents.]

CAMILLE: Little scoop of ice cream.

CROSBY: Right.

CAMILLE: You know, like...

CROSBY: You want it 50/50.

CAMILLE: At least 50/50.

CROSBY: Yeah, yeah. Maybe even more ice cream.

ZEEK: Pretty good.

CROSBY: Hey, this is on me.

ZEEK: Huh?

CROSBY: I got... I got this. I got this one.

ZEEK: That's unprecedented.

CROSBY: It's my way of saying thank you. For all the nice things you guys do for me.

CAMILLE: That's very sweet of you.

CROSBY: Oh, man, this is embarrassing. Can you float me 40... Dad, dad. I'm kidding. I'm... I'm kidding.

ZEEK: Really?

CROSBY: Yeah, I have it.

CAMILLE: [Laughs]

CROSBY: Listen, you know, the... the care packages and the laundry. And the boat repairs, I know you think I take it for granted, but I don't. I appreciate it. I really do.

ZEEK: You feeling okay?

CROSBY: Yeah. I feel great. I also want to say that I'm not gonna be. Such a burden anymore to your guys.

CAMILLE: Well, I wouldn't say you've been a burden.

ZEEK: [To Camille.] Define burden.

CROSBY: I've been working more hours, and I've been... I've been putting away some cash. I'm preparing for, uh... The next stage in my life.

ZEEK: Crosby, you're starting to scare the hell out of me.

CAMILLE: Us, actually.

CROSBY: It's not bad. It's a... it's a good thing. It's... it's a really good thing. You know, people would say it's a great thing. Uh, I have a son.

CAMILLE: You what?

CROSBY: I'm a father.

ZEEK: So you and crazy Katie hit the jackpot, then, right?

CROSBY: No, no, it's not... it's not crazy Katie, and you shouldn't call her that. That's a little rough. Um…

ZEEK: Well, you call her that.

CROSBY: It's another woman from a few years ago. Who's a dancer.

ZEEK: Uh-ha.

CROSBY: And she was touring the bay area, and we had some fun. And you know how I feel about dancers.

ZEEK: She's an exotic...

CROSBY: No, she doesn't dance, with a pole. She's like... you know, ballet. Anyways, look, I didn't know she got pregnant. And then she showed up a few months ago with a boy. Uh, he... he's five years old.

ZEEK: [Taking a moment to reply.] And you... you're serious?

CROSBY: Yeah. Yes.

ZEEK: You're sure he's yours? I mean, you've had the test and everything?

CROSBY: Yeah, I'm sure he's mine. He's, um... he's amazing. I mean, you're... you're gonna love him. He's really great.

ZEEK: Crosby... You're a dad.

CROSBY: Yeah. I know it's... it's crazy, but, uh, I'm really taking this thing seriously. That's what I meant about a new stage in my life. Like, I... this is me now... Crosby, the dad. And I'm gonna be more responsible and independent. Mom, please say something. You look like you're gonna...

CAMILLE: Does he look like you? 'cause you were just the cutest kid ever.

CROSBY: He... he looks... yeah, he looks like me.

CAMILLE: I'm just so happy for you, for all of us. When do we get to meet him?

CROSBY: I'll ask his mom when he has some free time.

CAMILLE: What's his name?

CROSBY: Jabbar.

ZEEK: Jabb... Jabbar?

CROSBY: Yeah, Jabbar.

ZEEK: Jabbar.

CROSBY: Jabbar.

ZEEK: What kind of name is Jabbar?

CROSBY: What the hell kind of name is Zeek?

CAMILLE: It doesn't matter... the name doesn't matter.

ZEEK: What's his last name? Is it Braverman? It better be Braverman. Jabbar Braverman?

CROSBY: I'm working on that.

[Camille laughs as she gets up.]

ZEEK: Where are you going?

CAMILLE: You're a daddy. I can't believe it.

CROSBY: I know. Me neither.

[New Scene - Whiskey Mike's, Mark Cyr enters the empty bar. Sarah is doing the books.]

MARK: Hey.


MARK: Um...


MARK: Hi. I-I-I was just... I've been thinking about the note.

SARAH: I know. I'm sorry.

MARK: No need to apologize. I think you're right. Maybe it was a little... Too complicated. I mean, three options is a lot of options. That's... That's overwhelming. I understand.

SARAH: Yeah. I'm just not good with multiple choice.

MARK: No, no, no, this is... this is my fault. I mean, these choices are ridiculous. Maybe... what the hell's that? That's not a real choice.

SARAH: Confusing.

MARK: I don't know what I was thinking. I was just trying to write something. So I was thinking that I should just be more direct, um... Next time.


[Mark moves in and they kiss for a few moments.]

MARK: Will you go out with me?

[Sarah takes the note back from Mark and writes on it.]

MARK: That is the correct answer. Okay, I-I won't interrupt you anymore.

[Sarah smiles as he leaves.]

[New Scene - Braverman house, Crosby pulls up in his car.]

CROSBY: You ready, buddy?

JABBAR: Yeah. Let's go. Let's go.

CROSBY: Hey, guys.

CAMILLE: Oh, they're here.

CROSBY: Hey. We're here.

ZEEK: Oh, wow. [Surprised by Jabbar.]

CROSBY: This is Jabbar.

CAMILLE: Jabbar.

JABBAR: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Braverman.


CROSBY: [laughs]

CAMILLE: He has your smile.

CROSBY: This is grandma Camille.


CAMILLE: Hello, Jabbar.

CROSBY: And that tall sucker is grandpa Zeek.

ZEEK: Jabbar, how are you? Hey, you got a good handshake.

JABBAR: Hi. [chuckles]

CAMILLE: You can call me grandma.


CAMILLE: Come here. You hungry? We're barbecuing. We're gonna grill some chicken.

CROSBY: What do you think?

ZEEK: Oh, boy. It's really hard to put it into words.

CROSBY: Yeah, I bet. I bet.

[New Scene - Later in the day, Crosby is putting on a sock puppet show for the playgroup.]

CROSBY: [deep voice] Would you mind if I borrowed your toothbrush? [high-pitched voice] why? Why do you need my toothbrush? [deep voice] oh, I ran out of eggs this morning, so I ate my gym sock.

[The children laugh.]

CROSBY: [high-pitched voice] Your gym sock?

ZEEK: That's amazing.

CAMILLE: He looks so grown-up.

ZEEK: Yeah. Who'd have thought?

CROSBY: [deep voice] I got it from my grandpa. [high-pitched voice] Well, who's that? [deep voice] Orville Redensocker's. [high-pitched voice] whoopsies. Now, if you don't eat popcorn, what do you eat? [deep voice] I like the softer foods... pears, plums, toothpaste. [high-pitched voice] toothpaste? Who eats toothpaste? [deep voice] all the people with great breath are eating toothpaste.

RACQUEL: [Off to the side as the show continues.] This is amazing. Oh, would you look at that? [Pointing to Sydney and Harmony.] Does that just melt your heart or what? You know, I was thinking of signing harmony up. For a pottery class. You know, working with the clay, it just grounds you to the earth.

CROSBY: [deep voice] they're not hard to get. [high-pitched voice] there's no credit check?

JULIA: [She looks, Sydney looks back.] Maybe the girls can do it together.

RACQUEL: Oh, harmony would love that.

JULIA: Yeah, I'm sure Sydney would too.

CROSBY: [deep voice] ask me to leave before the tickling got going. [high-pitched voice] yeah, we didn't like your look. I guess I shouldn't have judged you. Just based on your incredibly red mouth and gigantic eyebrow.

[New Scene - Later, Jabbar has a sock puppet.]

JABBAR: My name is...

CAMILLE: Okay, close your eyes.


CAMILLE: Close your eyes.

CROSBY: Okay that was my mouth, but okay.

CAMILLE: All right, open them now. Ta-da!

[Zeek rides out on an old bike, honking the horn.]

ZEEK: Huh?

CROSBY: Oh, you still have that?

ZEEK: Whoa.

CROSBY: Oh, man.

CAMILLE: That was your dad's when he was your age.

ZEEK: Yeah, come on.

JABBAR: It's for me?

ZEEK: You betcha. Hop on.

CAMILLE: Maybe your dad'll teach you some tricks on it.

ZEEK: Yeah, but I don't want you doing any wheelies, 'cause your dad broke three teeth and a lot of brain cells.

CAMILLE: Don't remind me.

CROSBY: I gained glory, though. [To Jabbar.] Can you do this?


CROSBY: You already know how?


CROSBY: Okay. I'm gonna help you out. To the street, all right?

ZEEK: Easy does it.

[Crosby groans as he helps turn the bike around.]

ZEEK: hey, you look good on that.

JABBAR: Grandpa, grandma, you watching?

ZEEK: We're watching.


CROSBY: All right, you ready?


CROSBY: All right, let's do it.

JABBAR: Whoo-hoo!

CROSBY: Pedaling.

JABBAR: Whoo-hoo!

ZEEK: Come on, Jabbar.

JABBAR: Whoo-hoo!

[He rides down the dirt path, 'Braverman' is writing on the back of the seat.]

[New Scene - Adam and Kristina enjoying some alone time.]

KRISTINA: [moans] Holy crap.

ADAM: Mwah.



[They both breathe heavily]

KRISTINA: Oh, my god.

ADAM: That definitely beat the time after 'The daily show'.

KRISTINA: Oh, yeah, and the time after 'Leno'. [chuckles] Oh, my god. Oh, man.

ADAM: So I'm just gonna say that felt like... The real deal. Am I right?

KRISTINA: Yeah. You're right. Yep. You are right.

ADAM: But even if it wasn't, you'd probably say that it was.

KRISTINA: But it was the real deal, honey. It was.

ADAM: Definitely?

KRISTINA: Yes. Uh-huh.

ADAM: Definitely, definitely?

KRISTINA: Uh-huh. Adam. I haven't felt this relaxed in two months. Please don't ruin it.

Episode End
1.06 - The Big O
Original Airdate (NBC) April 6, 2010
Written by Adam Davidson
Directed Lauren Schmidt

Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com

Please Don't Use Without Permission!

This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
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