[Opening scene Max is at Crosby's with his father when Max finds a bong.]
MAX: What is this?
ADAM: Oh, Crosby...
CROSBY: Oh, um, that's my mixing beaker.
MAX: What do you mix in it?
CROSBY: Oh, you know, frozen orange juice and stuff. [He puts it on a high shelf out of reach.]
MAX: It stinks.
ADAM: Hey, uh, be careful out there stay close.
CROSBY: Okay, are--are we done here, do you think?
ADAM: Yeah, yeah, we are almost done. You even know who these belong to? [Finding some panties on the floor.]
CROSBY: Of course. Um, you know what? I think Kristina left them here.
ADAM: Yeah, very funny. Hey, I know we're doing all-this child proofing here, but are you sure you wouldn't rather have the sleepover at our house?
CROSBY: Oh, you don't think I can handle it.
ADAM: You know what's gonna be good for you? You're gonna get to have your son here with you and you get to watch him sleep and just see how innocent and vulnerable and...
CROSBY: And peaceful?
ADAM: Yeah, yeah.
CROSBY: Yeah, you know, I've dated some wild women, some real hellcats. But, you know, when they finally pass out, it's like they turn into these little kittens, all purry and warm, and... so you know, I know what you're talking about. I feel ya.
[New Scene - Braverman house, the family has gathered for a meal outside. Joel and Sydney are having a tea party.]
JOEL: Are you sure? Do you want something?
SYDNEY: Oh, no, no, no.
JOEL: Oh, oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna have some of mine.
ZEEK: Granddaughter, what are you doing?
JOEL: We're, uh, dining. Would you like some?
ZEEK: Aw, gee, thanks, no. Uh, I've got something I have to do. But appreciate it, really. Looks like fun.
JULIA: Oh, hey, Kristina.
JULIA: Could Haddie babysit for us tomorrow night? 'cause our regular sitter has the flu.
KRISTINA: Um, yeah, I don't see why not. Hey, Haddie... Haddie!
[She is off to the side on her phone.]
KRISTINA: Can you, uh, babysit tomorrow night for Aunt Julia?
HADDIE: Um, you know what, I would really like to but I...
KRISTINA: But you have plans? What?
JULIA: That's fine, sweetie.
KRISTINA: She doesn't have any plans.
JULIA: It's not like she has to though.
KRISTINA: She has nothing to do.
JULIA: You know, well...
SARAH: What about Amber?
JULIA: Oh, wow. [She looks at Amber lying back on a near by chair listening to her iPod.] Yeah.
SARAH: I mean, she's sitting right there.
JULIA: Yeah. [Looks over to Joel.] That's, that's a great idea.
KRISTINA: That's a perfect idea.
JULIA: Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. That's great. Yeah!
SARAH: Okay, let me just ask her. Hey, do you wanna babysit for Aunt Julia? [Amber doesn't hear her mother.] Hello? [Flicking some of her drink to get her attention.] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
AMBER: Hey, what's wrong with you?
SARAH: Aunt Julia wants you to babysit.
AMBER: Oh, so you're waterboarding me?
SARAH: [A little louder as she dips her fingers in the glass again.] Aunt Julia wants you to babysit.
AMBER: Okay, whoa, take it easy. [Sarah mouths yes to her.] Yeah, sure. Why not?
SARAH: Yeah, yeah, no, I thought so. Good, okay, she'd love to.
JULIA: Great. [Not very sincerely.]
SARAH: [To Amber.] Smile.
JULIA: Thank you. Awesome.
AMBER: No prob.
JULIA: Great, problem solved.
SARAH: Hey, go tell your brother that we're ready to eat.
AMBER: There's no way I'm going near that bathroom while he's in it, which is five times a day.
SARAH: No, that's an exaggeration. [Too Julia and Kristina.] She's exaggerating.
AMBER: You do know what he's doing in there, don't ya?
SARAH: Yes, he's getting clean.
AMBER: Yeah, spankin' clean.
SARAH: He's, he has, like, you know, he's working on his hair. He's got like, different products.
KRISTINA: I do that too.
SARAH: For long times.
SARAH: Hi, honey.
KRISTINA: Hey, Drew.
JULIA: Good morning.
AMBER: Hey, bud, how was the shower?
KRISTINA: Your hair looks cute.
[Sarah stairs down Amber who smiles and puts her sunglasses back on.]
[New Scene - Adam and Kristina, they are getting ready for bed.]
KRISTINA: Honey, does Crosby know that I know about Jabbar?
ADAM: Well, I think he assumes I tell you everything.
KRISTINA: Why would he assume that? He hasn't even told Katie he has a son yet.
ADAM: Well, I think Crosby assumes I'm not like him.
KRISTINA: Mm-hmm, I think Crosby assumes correctly, which is why he should not be making jokes about my underpants being in his houseboat. [sigh] Weirdo.
ADAM: You mean crotchless panties?
KRISTINA: Ick, so... Wait a, honey.
KRISTINA: Where did this, $220? Look at that.
ADAM: It's Haddie's cell.
KRISTINA: Yeah, she's racked up, like, a gazillion minutes on this thing.
ADAM: Yeah, to one number over and over again.
KRISTINA: She's sleeping over at Leslie's. Please call her.
ADAM: This is not acceptable.
KRISTINA: I, I don't even recognize this number. She's never called this number before. Who is this?
ADAM: [sigh] All right, she's not picking up.
KRISTINA: Who are you calling now?
ADAM: I'm gonna call the mystery number and find out who this belongs to.
KRISTINA: Okay, well, put it on speaker I wanna hear it.
ADAM: All right.
[The phone rings before it's picked up]
ON THE PHONE: [Music] Yo, yo, yo, whassup?
KRISTINA: Okay, you dialed wrong. You had to have dialed wrong.
ADAM: I did not dial wrong.
KRISTINA: Let me try. You had to have dialed wrong.
ADAM: All right, here. There you go. Try if you're... go ahead.
[Adam sigs as Kristina dial the number.]
ON THE PHONE: [Same Music] Yo, yo, yo, whassup?
[They look worryingly at each other.]
[Opening Credits - featuring Forever Young by Bob Dylan]
[New Scene - Adam and Kristina in the hallway of their house.]
KRISTINA: Honey, wait a second. I just think that we should let her explain herself before breaking into her room.
ADAM: Well, wait, wait a minute, her room is on our house, so technically we're not breaking into anything. She's 15 years old. Besides, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
KRISTINA: Right, just us.
ADAM: [Adam opens the door.] Go ahead.
KRISTINA: No, you go ahead.
ADAM: All right.
KRISTINA: You wanted to do this.
ADAM: All right, okay, we'll just get in and get out, all right?
KRISTINA: Get in and get out. Let's do it. What exactly are we looking for?
ADAM: I don't know, anything that smells like yo-yo.
KRISTINA: Smells like yo-yo. Okay, um, hey, what about what about her computer? Her Facebook page, what about that?
ADAM: Good idea.
ADAM: [Opening the laptop.] All right. [sigh] I don't know her password.
KRISTINA: Oh, I used to know it.
ADAM: All right.
ADAM: Really? That's sweet.
KRISTINA: Mm-hmm. She was 12... [The computer beeps.] and she's changed it. I don't know.
[New Scene - Sarah in the guest house.]
AMBER: [Opening the door.] Yo.
AMBER: Can I shower in here? The masturbatorium is occupied.
SARAH: Please, will you give him a break, Please, not shame your brother? He's 14, okay? He has needs.
AMBER: I think I know pretty much everything there is to know about 14-year-old boys and their needs.
SARAH: Thank you for that.
AMBER: Oh, um, Aunt Julia called. I don't have to babysit.
SARAH: Why not?
AMBER: I don't know.
SARAH: Well, uh, what did she say? What was the reason?
AMBER: Who cares?
SARAH: I care.
AMBER: I'm gonna shower. [Shutting the door.]
SARAH: She didn't give any reason at all? She didn't postpone? Did she... [The shower starts running.] Hello?
[New Scene - Crosby is helping Adam and Kristina on the laptop.]
KRISTINA: So I heard the kid proofing went well.
KRISTINA: You even found something of mine?
ADAM: Least I didn't mention your special mixing beaker.
KRISTINA: What mixing beaker?
CROSBY: Okay, look, I got it.
ADAM: That--that's not good.
CROSBY: Says she's in a relationship. Has been for a month.
ADAM: A month.
KRISTINA: Is that him? Is that him?
ADAM: Must be. Yo-yo.
CROSBY: A.K.A. Steve Williams. He's a junior at Haddie's high school.
KRISTINA: What else? What else? What else?
CROSBY: Well, he's got a rap sheet.
ADAM: That's not funny.
KRISTINA: It's not even close.
CROSBY: Okay, look, they're Facebook official. They're not eloping to Vegas.
ADAM: Facebook official?
CROSBY: It's not a suicide pact, they're just dating.
[New Scene - Sarah on the phone to Adam, she's outside the bathroom, he's at home.]
SARAH: How much masturbating is too much?
ADAM: Uh, I'm sorry, what?
SARAH: For, for Drew? He's in the bathroom, like, a lot. Like, six or seven times a day.
ADAM: That, look, Sarah, that's totally normal, okay? So...
SARAH: Is it too much? I don't know what to do.
ADAM: Look, I've got problems of my own, okay? Haddie has a boyfriend.
SARAH: Of course Haddie's got a boyfriend. She's 15, she's cute, Adam. Don't be a dork.
ADAM: Yeah, okay, and you know what? They're Facebook official, and, and, you know, she hasn't said anything to Kristina and I about it.
SARAH: Well, of course she doesn't talk to you about it. That's not a problem. I've got a kid who I'm afraid might injure himself. It's the one time I could actually use some help from his lame father who won't call me back. You know, with Amber, she got her period, I said, "You okay?" She said, "Screw you." She was fine, but him I just...
SARAH: I can't be the man for him, you know?
ADAM: Oh, you're asking me to talk to him about it.
SARAH: Oh, God, Adam, would you?
ADAM: Yeah, absolutely. No problem.
SARAH: Just don't make him feel weird, okay? He's just so sensitive. Just tell him that it's normal or almost normal and he's becoming a man.
ADAM: I'm gonna welcome him to the club.
ADAM: All that stuff.
SARAH: Just be positive and encourage him to express himself in other ways too, you know?
ADAM: What, like, downloading porn?
SARAH: Oh, God.
ADAM: That's outside the shower.
[New Scene - Sarah on her way out.]
ZEEK: Hey, Sarah.
ZEEK: Oh, yeah, good. Glad I got... we need to talk here.
SARAH: Okay, I gotta get to work, dad. What's up?
ZEEK: Well, well, honey, are you aware that we're in the middle of a drought?
SARAH: What? No.
ZEEK: Well, somebody in the house is using an awful lot of water.
SARAH: Oh, yeah, that.
ZEEK: So from an environmental standpoint, I was thinking, uh, we need to do something.
SARAH: Yeah, I'm as green as the next person, dad. But he's a 14-year-old boy, I don't know what to tell you.
ZEEK: That's why I would like to talk to him mano-a-mano.
SARAH: Oh, no. I still bear the emotional scars of the little talk we had when I was a kid. And that was a long, long time ago. Don't say anything to him, please.
ZEEK: Well, sweetheart, this is not women's work.
SARAH: Yeah, way to be progressive, dad.
ZEEK: Come on, honey, I'm a grandfather, That's what grandfathers are for. Send me in there.
SARAH: Dad, thank you so much for this... offer, but under no circumstances are you to talk to Drew about the...
SARAH: [Exhaling in disgust she take a moment.] Don't talk to him about it, okay? [She opens the car door.] Thanks.
ZEEK: Well, honey, it's perfectly natural. I mean, even I on occasion still
SARAH: Ahh! [She drops down into the car and starts the engine.]
ZEEK: I'm not obsessively.
[New Scene - Crosby's houseboat.]
JASMINE: Permission to come aboard.
CROSBY: Oh, no. Pirates. Arrg! What's up, sleepover buddy?
CROSBY: Nothing? You ready for this? [Jabbar nods] Me too.
JASMINE: I can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Crosby.
CROSBY: Are you kidding? I'm fired up. I should be thanking you.
JASMINE: Oh, can I get a hug? Can I get a hug? Oh... You be good, okay?
JASMINE: So, uh, I'm available 24/7 except for the two hours that I'll be dancing. So if anything, if you need me
just call me, I'll be here, anything.
CROSBY: You don't need to worry, like, I, I baby proofed the... crap out of this place.
CROSBY: Nothing's gonna go wrong, right, Jabbar? [He smiles and nods.] He knows, safety first here.
JASMINE: You're a doll. Thank you.
CROSBY: Thank you. Thank you.
JASMINE: Have fun.
CROSBY: Okay, no girls allowed.
CROSBY: [Putting on a different voice.] Ew, gross. [Turning to Jabbar.] Cheese or pepperoni?
[New Scene - Adam and Kristina talking to Haddie.]
KRISTINA: Your cell phone bill was over $200 this month.
HADDIE: You're kidding.
HADDIE: I had no idea.
ADAM: That's over 1,000 minutes.
HADDIE: Okay, well, I'll pay you guys back. I'll babysit, I'll do chores, You know, whatever it takes.
ADAM: That's, like, 18 hours in one month.
KRISTINA: To one number. One number.
ADAM: Steve Williams?
HADDIE: How do you guys know that?
ADAM: Well, when we couldn't reach you, we called his number.
HADDIE: You guys talked to Steve?
KRISTINA: No, we did not talk to him. We just heard his voice. We heard his voice.
ADAM: [Changing his tone.] Yo, yo, yo.
HADDIE: So how do you know his name?
KRISTINA: We have our ways.
HADDIE: What ways? What did you guys do?
ADAM: We went on your computer.
KRISTINA: Your Facebook page.
HADDIE: No, you didn't.
HADDIE: You guys broke into my room and you hacked into my computer?
KRISTINA: Wait a second, missy. You have no right to get angry with us. You have been going out with this boy for over a month without telling us.
HADDIE: Okay, who cares, Homeland Security? What you guys did is illegal. You can't do that. It's a violation of... everything.
KRISTINA: Oh, no, no, no, no.
ADAM: Hey, what, you're Facebook official.
ADAM: That's right, you go up to your room because you're grounded.
HADDIE: Ya vol! Mein Fuhrer! [She slams her door]
[Haddie puts on a jacket and climbs out her window, this does not go unnoticed by Max in his room.]
[New Scene - Julia at work in her office.]
JULIA: Hey. How did you know that I was here on a Sunday?
SARAH: Oh, I... I was talking to Joel and I'm on my way to work, so...
JULIA: I'm so busy, it's insane,
SARAH: Is that why you cancelled Amber?
JULIA: Yeah. Yeah, uh, if they had their way, I would never get to see Sydney, let alone have a date night.
SARAH: Yeah, 'cause Joel said you cancelled because, um, she doesn't know the area.
JULIA: Yeah, well, I mean, it was a combination of that and the work, you know.
SARAH: She was really disappointed.
JULIA: She was?
SARAH: She thinks that you don't think she's responsible or capable.
JULIA: She didn't sound disappointed when I talked to her.
SARAH: She was, she was really disappointed, 'cause, you know, back in Fresno she was a really popular babysitter. Everybody called her. She was the go-to girl.
JULIA: I did not know that.
SARAH: Well, now you do.
JULIA: Sarah. Sorry.
SARAH: Don't apologize to me.
[New Scene - Drew is washing Zeek's truck, Adam drives up.]
ADAM: How's it going, Drew?
ADAM: Aw, grandpa made me do the same thing when I was your age. Wash his old truck. Sucks.
ADAM: How's everything else?
ADAM: Yeah, I hated washing the old truck. But there was something I really enjoyed doing when I was your age.
DREW: Oh, yeah? What?
ADAM: And it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's totally natural. [Drew looks at Adam knowing why he is here.] You know, Woody Allen said, uh, "Masturbation is having sex with somebody you love."
DREW: What? Did my mom ask you to talk to me about this?
SARAH: No, no, I mean, she may have mentioned it. But I wanted to talk to you about it because, Drew, it's totally normal, okay? And I wanna make sure you don't feel weird about it And we can just, you know
air it out.
DREW: Air it out?
ADAM: Well, you know, I just wanted to make sure there's no stigma attached to it, like, hair growing on your palms.
DREW: Yeah, yeah, can we just not talk and just say we did?
ADAM: Yeah, but I... I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me about anything, all right? Like, pimples, girls, birth control. You know about rubbers, right? Prophylactics?
DREW: Look, we can just not talk too, right?
ADAM: Yeah! Yeah, absolutely. No big deal. Okay, well, you just, uh, you keep up the good work. With the washing the truck, I mean, not the--or--or the other thing too if you want, 'cause, uh. All right, I'm glad we had this talk.
[New Scene - Julia returns home.]
JOEL: All right, all right, I had no choice. Sarah started asking about other nights Amber could babysit and I couldn't think of anything else to say. So Mea Culpa. I totally blew it.
JULIA: Oh, oh, no, it's fine. I blew it too.
JOEL: You did?
JULIA: We should never have cancelled in the first place.
JOEL: Wait, so now we trust Amber.
JULIA: She is a very experienced babysitter.
JOEL: Yeah, says your sister.
JULIA: I trust my sister.
JOEL: Oh, geez, I'm sorry. I forgot the cardinal rule. Only a Braverman can criticize another Braverman.
JULIA: All right, you're right. I'm sorry. That's a... that's a total double standard.
JOEL: Thank you.
JULIA: One about which we can nothing. [They share a quick kiss.] Hey.
JOEL: So what are we gonna do?
JULIA: I was thinking that we should call Amber and see if she can still come over tonight.
JOEL: You sure about this?
JULIA: No, but I'm optimistic.
JOEL: Yeah, so am I.
JOEL: Good, date night.
JULIA: Yay. [Another kiss]
[New Scene - Adam and Kristina in their kitchen]
KRISTINA: So how did it go? What happened? What did you say?
ADAM: I did okay, considering.
KRISTINA: Really? You didn't use the word though, did you?
KRISTINA: Because it's just so clinical. You know? Masturbate.
ADAM: Uh, you think it's time to let Haddie out of her room?
MAX: [Entering the room.] It's against the rules to eat peanut butter out of the jar, dad.
ADAM: You are absolutely right, buddy.
KRISTINA: You're right.
MAX: Does that mean I can?
KRISTINA: No, that means that dad cannot. He cannot. You broke the rule.
ADAM: I, I broke the rule.
KRISTINA: He broke the rule.
ADAM: I broke the rule. Hey, you know what, can you do me a favor? Can you tell your sister to come downstairs?
ADAM: Why not?
MAISY 'cause she's not upstairs.
KRISTINA: Yeah, she is, honey. She's in her room.
MAX: No, she's not.
[New Scene - Adam, Kristina and Max walking down the street.]
ADAM: Yo-yo lives here?
KRISTINA: Honey, don't judge a book by its cover. You can cook meth anywhere. I told you that.
[They notice someone coming out of the house.]
KRISTINA: I'm out. [She starts to walk off.]
ADAM: Uh, Kristina. Kristina!
DALE: You're Adam Braverman.
MARJORIE: And you must be Kristina and Max.
ADAM: Yeah, hi.
KRISTINA: [Turning back.] Hi.
[They slowly close the gap.]
DALE: Yeah, Haddie's shown us pictures.
DALE: Yeah, we know, we've heard all about you.
ADAM: Uh, Max, stay close, buddy.
DALE: He's okay. It's fine.
DALE: Hi, good to meet you. We've heard all about you.
ADAM: You have?
MARJORIE: Yeah, we just love her to death.
ADAM: Oh, so, uh, she's not
DALE: Here? No.
MARJORIE: Oh, no.
DALE: Neither is Stevie.
MARJORIE: Would you like to come in? Seeing as how we are Facebook officially related.
ADAM: Yeah, there's that.
KRISTINA: No, thank you.
ADAM: Thank you.
KRISTINA: That's nice.
ADAM: Max, please don't pull the petals off the flowers.
DALE: Oh, no, no, it's okay. It's fine. We understand, Haddie's, uh, told us about the situation.
ADAM: The situation with Max.
MARJORIE: What are you doing here?
ADAM: Uh, well, you know, it's funny, we were just in the
DALE: Checking us out? I get it. I get it.
ADAM: Yes. Yeah. You caught me.
DALE: I understand.
ADAM: You got me.
DALE: If I had a daughter, I'd wanna know where she's spending her time too. You're doing the right thing.
KRISTINA: That's all.
DALE: It's fine, don't worry.
ADAM: Yeah, okay.
[New Scene - Haddie over at Amber's who is smoking.]
AMBER: Okay, you are the one that should be pissed. They were way out of line.
HADDIE: So then, what do I do when they start interrogating me again?
AMBER: Well, first you have to acknowledge where they're coming from. It's their job to make your life miserable.
HADDIE: Okay, so what's my job?
AMBER: To keep them out of your personal life for as long as humanly possible, which isn't gonna be easy. They're--they're like termites. They're relentless.
HADDIE: So then what can I do to make them stop?
AMBER: Deception. Misinformation. You flat out lie to their face if you have to. Although that does tend to backfire. Really gets them riled up. Just remember, they brought this on themselves.
[New Scene - Outside, Adam drives up to the house.]
ADAM: Thanks for responding to my A.P.B.
SARAH: No problem. How are you?
SARAH: Yeah? You know what you're gonna say?
ADAM: Uh, how about, "Get the hell in the car"?
SARAH: Great opener. But after that, what's your plan? What are you gonna do?
ADAM: I don't have a plan, Sarah.
SARAH: No? Have you met this guy?
ADAM: No, I just heard his voice on the phone. He's one of these "Yo, yo, yo" guys.
SARAH: That's bad.
ADAM: Yeah, got that.
SARAH: Do you think they're having sex?
ADAM: Haddie is 15.
SARAH: Amber was 15 when she hooked up with Damien.
ADAM: And they were...
SARAH: Yes, they were. She wanted to move in with him and start their lives together.
ADAM: Well, I don't think Haddie's there yet. I mean, I'm sure she's not. So...
positive, in fact.
SARAH: Okay. I believe you. But it's right around the corner And you have to do everything you can to postpone it. Do you know how to do that?
ADAM: No, what do you suggest?
SARAH: My God, you have to shut them down. [Adam nodding in agreement.] No phone, no email, no computer, no texting, no leaving the house, no nothing, and then when that fails, you just go to plan B.
ADAM: Which is what?
ADAM: Thanks for that.
SARAH: Welcome to my world, brother.
[New Scene - Adam and Haddie in the car.]
ADAM: I cannot believe you would just sneak out like that.
HADDIE: I cannot believe that you would hack into my computer.
ADAM: I hacked into your computer to find out what's going on with you.
HADDIE: What if I don't want you to know what's going on with me?
ADAM: I don't care, Haddie, I'm your father. I have a right to know.
HADDIE: I have a right to my privacy.
ADAM: Not in my house, you don't.
ADAM: Maybe it's different over at Steve's house with Marjorie and Dale.
HADDIE: You didn't.
ADAM: Oh, where did you think we'd go when we couldn't find out where you were?
ADAM: We were worried about you, Haddie.
HADDIE: Oh, oh, my God.
ADAM: They knew everything about us, and we didn't even know they existed. How do you think that felt?
HADDIE: Probably as bad as it feels finding out that your parents have no respect for your privacy.
ADAM: Fine, you know what, that's it. No more cell phone, no more texting. You go to school. You come home from school. That's the way it's gonna be.
HADDIE: You have to be kidding me.
ADAM: I am not kidding. Do I look like I'm kidding?
[New Scene - Night time, Julie and Joel about to go out on their date.]
JULIA: And last but not least is poison control center so...
AMBER: Think I got it.
JULIA: Oh, um, and we're good, with the whole scheduling snafu?
AMBER: Yeah, it was, like, not a big deal at all.
JULIA: Your mom said you were pretty upset.
AMBER: She did? [Awkward pause] I probably overreacted or something.
JULIA: Great. [Clearing throat]
JOEL: Hi. [Coming down the stairs with Sydney on his back]
JULIA: Hey, there.
JOEL: Look who's here.
AMBER: Hi, come here. [Picking her up.] Huh, all right, where should we go?
SYDNEY: Over there.
AMBER: Okay, let's go. [Sounding like a horse.] Badum, badum, badum, badum.
SYDNEY: Horsey! Horsey!
JOEL: Okay, so, um, I guess we're off.
AMBER: Okay, have fun.
JULIA: [To Joel] Okay.
JOEL: [To Julie] Okay?
[They start to leave as Amber talks to Sydney.]
AMBER: That's pretty cool. What does this button do?
JULIA: Whoops. [Poking her head back inside.] Oh, um, I have my cell phone and it's on.
JOEL: So I do too if you, you know, got any reason to call.
AMBER: Okay, see you later. Have fun.
JOEL: All right, you guys have fun.
JOEL: Not too much fun.
AMBER: Got it.
JOEL: All right.
JOEL: Bye, girls. Have fun.
JULIA: Bye. [Finally closing the door.]
AMBER: Are they always like that?
[New Scene - Crosby's house boat, they have a BBQ and Crosby is putting lighter fluid on it.]
JABBAR: Whoa! Do it some more.
JABBAR: More! [Crosby continues to squirt the fire.] Whoo-hoo! Wow.
[New Scene - Adam and Kristina outside their house, night time.]
ADAM: I could always talk to Haddie. Always.
KRISTINA: Honey, rebelling, it's, It's just part of growing up, you know?
ADAM: She hates me.
KRISTINA: She doesn't hate you. She loves you more than anybody else in this entire world and you know it.
ADAM: Do I? Do I really?
KRISTINA: Yes. But honey, that's not gonna last forever, you know? She's gonna grow up, she's gonna fall in love. [Adam scoffs] For real.
ADAM: No, not with that kid yo-yo, she's not.
KRISTINA: Okay. [Exhaling again.] Well, you know, if it's any consolation, you'll always be the most important man in my life.
[New Scene - Back at the houseboat with Jabbar and Crosby.]
CROSBY: How do you like your dogs, medium, well done, or burnt to a crisp? [Crosby looks over to see Jabbar in trouble.] Uh-oh, we got a problem there?
JABBAR: It's stuck.
CROSBY: Well, why'd you put your thumb in the can?
JABBAR: I don't know.
CROSBY: Mm-hmm. All right, well, let me take a gander here.
CROSBY: Oh, sorry. Wow, that's really in there, isn't it? Okay. Hey, I know just the thing. Not to worry. Follow me. [Inside Crosby uses soapy water.] One, two, three!
JABBAR: Ow, it stings!
CROSBY: Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. Um, okay, we got a little blood here. Um, nothing to be concerned about.
JABBAR: I can't feel my thumb.
CROSBY: Are you serious? [He nods.] Okay, um. Okay, um...
[New Scene - Julie and Joel at the restaurant.]
JULIA: [laughing] Oh, I am so ready for this.
JOEL: Me too.
JULIA: [Spotting Racquel] Keep walking, keep, keep...
RACQUEL: Joelski! Hi.
RACQUEL: Of all the Jin joints in all the world.
RACQUEL: Hi. [They hug to Julie's annoyance.] Hi, girl.
JOEL: Hey, Douglas, good to see you.
JULIA: Harmony, hi.
RACQUEL: And this is Douglas, my husband.
DOUGLAS: Come, sit, join us.
JULIA: Oh, thank you, um...
JOEL: That's really sweet, but we're actually on, uh, date night.
RACQUEL: So are we.
DOUGLAS: I, I work so much. I can't stand to leave Harmony alone with a babysitter.
JOEL: Oh, sure, sure
JOEL: That's commendable. We're actually, you guys enjoy. All three of you and we'll, uh, we'll see you later.
JULIA: Nice meeting you.
RACQUEL: Enjoy. Bye.
JOEL: What are the odds?
[New Scene - Crosby driving Jabbar to the hospital while on the phone.]
CROSBY: All right. Hang in there, buddy. You're doing great. Pick up. Pick up.
[New Scene - Adam and Kristina are enjoying some alone time, in bed.]
[The phone rings as the kiss and Kristina giggles, Adam knocks the cordless phone to the floor.]
[New Scene - Back in the car.]
CROSBY: Come on. That's all right. Plan B.
JABBAR: I'm sorry.
CROSBY: Oh buddy, it's, it's not your fault. [Into the phone] Come on! Okay.
[New Scene - Sarah is outside Julie and Joel's house.]
[She hears someone sneezing.]
SARAH: Oh, hi. Sorry, you scared me. Don't worry, it's my sister's house. And I'm, we're playing a game. Okay, have a good night.
[Inside the house.]
SYDNEY: Can you do it like that?
AMBER: Of course.
[Amber hears a cell phone ringing and goes to the window to see her mother trying to retrieve her phone. Amber knocks on the window to get her attention.]
SARAH: [Seeing her daughter.] Hi.
[New Scene - Crosby and Jabbar are now arriving at the hospital.]
CROSBY: Come on. Pick up. Don't let me down.
[New Scene - The restaurant with Julie and Joel.]
JULIA: No, but not Doug, not Dougie, Douglas?
JOEL: He's a semiotics professor.
JULIA: Okay, well... [She looks over to Racquel's table.] She's eating bouillabaisse, Joel. What kind of kid eats bouillabaisse?
JOEL: Oh, man, you are so bad.
JULIA: No but, I mean, Sydney won't even eat my mac and cheese. [Her phone rings.] Crosby? What hospital?
[New Scene - Hospital check-in.]
NURSE: Date of birth?
CROSBY: Um, uh, five. He's five.
CROSBY: Mine or
CROSBY: Um, yeah. It's, it's complicated, so...
CROSBY: Oh, thank God.
JULIA: Who's this?
CROSBY: This is Jabbar. My son.
[New Scene - Back at Amber's babysitting.]
SARAH: You forgot your, uh, biology textbook, so.
SARAH: Well, I figured you might need it.
AMBER: Wow, that's so considerate of you. Thanks. Hey, you know what's funny? For a second, I thought maybe you were checking up on me. [Sarah scoffs.] Maybe afraid that I was gonna raid the liquor cabinet.
SARAH: You have no proof of that.
AMBER: You lied to Aunt Julia. You said that I was upset because I couldn't babysit.
SARAH: Yeah, cause I know you wanted the money.
AMBER: Really? Really? It had nothing to do with you trying to prove yourself to Aunt Julia?
AMBER: Okay, that's enough. Just don't use me next time, okay?
SARAH: I'm sorry. Yeah, she just makes me feel a little insecure.
AMBER: A little?
SARAH: Yeah. A little, like, you know, I'm the world's worst mother and a complete failure at life. Like that kind of little.
[Amber looks at her mother for a moment, feeling her pain.]
AMBER: Hey, Sydney, Do you wanna show Aunt Sarah what we've been working on?
AMBER: Check it out. Do you remember when we were living in that crappy motel after you split up with dad, and we had no money and no toys, no nothing?
AMBER: Okay, well, I did.
SARAH: You made paper turtles.
SYDNEY: Amber taught me.
SARAH: You know who taught Amber how to do this?
SYDNEY: She told me you did.
SARAH: That's right.
[Sarah sits next to Amber and puts her arm around her daughter.]
AMBER: How about I make us some drinks? They got a really nice selection over there.
[New Scene - Back at the Hospital. Crosby looks around at the other parents.]
JULIA: See this? This is slither cream. Anything that's stuck gets unstuck. All right, there we go. All you have to do is close your eyes. All right, take a deep breath and say the magic words. Slippery, slither, slime.
CROSBY & JABBAR: [Together] Slippery, slither, slime.
JULIA: Oh, presto!
CROSBY: Oh, you got it!
JABBAR: It worked!
CROSBY: Come on!
JABBAR: It really worked!
[New Scene - Adam and Kristina in bed enjoying the after glow.]
ADAM: Do you think nailing Haddie's window shut was going too far?
KRISTINA: Please tell me you were not thinking about that earlier.
ADAM: No, of course not. Don't be ridiculous.
ADAM: It just occurred to me. Really.
[New Scene - Crosby's houseboat, Julie puts Jabbar to bed then walks out to Crosby.]
JULIA: He's sleeping. So... Are you sure he's yours?
CROSBY: Why, 'cause he stuck his finger in a can?
JULIA: Because if he is, you have obligations. Legal obligations. Financial obligations. Have you thought about that?
CROSBY: You were really great back there in the E.R.
JULIA: Cros, this can be a big deal, okay?
CROSBY: I'm not kidding. You're an amazing mom.
JULIA: I am?
CROSBY: Yeah. Like, 100%.
JULIA: Thanks. Thanks for calling me. I would have thought you would've called Adam or Sarah first.
CROSBY: Aw, those deadbeats? I mean, come on.
["When You Learn To Sing" by Rocco DeLuca plays as the scene ends, song continues into the next scene.]
[New Scene - Adam go into Max's room to check on him.]
[New Scene - Julie talking to Haddie in her room. The song continues in the back ground.]
KRISTINA: When my father found out that I was dating, he nearly had a heart attack. I mean
HADDIE: Well, how old were you?
KRISTINA: Oh, 16. Trevor Dunn. He wore a Puka shell necklace. He was real tan.
HADDIE: Okay, um, did your dad nail your window shut?
KRISTINA: Honey, my dad was nothing like yours. Trust me. The point is, is when it comes dads and their daughters dating, it's, it's, like, it's primordial. It's like that lizard part of their brain kicks in and they just
HADDIE: Okay, so basically, dad can't help himself?
KRISTINA: Right. Yeah. Just like you can't.
HADDIE: So dad's just gonna hate Steve no matter how awesome he is?
KRISTINA: No, no, I didn't say that. I think that he'll come around eventually if he's as awesome as you say he is.
HADDIE: [Smiling] He is.
KRISTINA: He is. All right. You have to promise me though, no more sneaking around.
HADDIE: Okay. I'm sorry. How mad is dad?
KRISTINA: You know, honey, I think he's
I think he's more scared than anything.
HADDIE: Of what?
KRISTINA: Of losing you.
[Adam has been listening outside the room.]
[New Scene - Drew is having a shower.]
ZEEK: [Opens the door and calls out.] Hey, Drew.
ZEEK: Coming in.
DREW: Hey, no, no, no! I'm still in here.
ZEEK: So, kiddo, we need to talk about some water conservation.
DREW: What? Now? I don't
ZEEK: Well, you know, your uncles have the same problem. Adam was the worst. I think he was gonna set some kind of record. I almost called Guinness.
DREW: Can we just
not right now?
ZEEK: When it comes to testosterone, the Braverman men are blessed with an abundance of riches, son.
ZEEK: Pride! Pride and glory is what you should be feeling, son, at the bounty of the Braverman libido. You know what libido is?
DREW: Oh, my God, please, not right now.
ZEEK: But even a Braverman
nay, especially a Braverman needs to learn to control these gifts. What I'm talking about here is moderation. I mean, golly sakes, you know, I remember what it was like. I was on R&R in Bangkok, you know? And, of course, I went a little nuts
[New Scene - Jasmine arrives at Crosby's]
CROSBY: How'd it go?
JASMINE: I rocked it.
CROSBY: Oh, good.
JASMINE: I couldn't have done it with out you.
CROSBY: Oh, well, I'm glad you kicked ass.
JASMINE: How did everything go here?
CROSBY: He's still sleeping.
JASMINE: Okay. [They watch him sleep.] What happen to his thumb?
CROSBY: It was a fishing accident.
[New Scene - Kristina in the Kitchen cutting vegetables, Adam comes up behind.]
ADAM: Am I still your favorite man in the world?
ADAM: Hmm? [He starts to be affectionate.]
KRISTINA: I gotta get the salad done though, babe. I promised your mom.
ADAM: Really? 'cause I'm still feeling kinda sad.
KRISTINA: Okay, stop it.
ADAM: All right. Any news on the yo-yo front?
KRISTINA: I wanna show you something. Come here.
[Haddie and Max are sitting in the living room, looking at his bugs.]
ADAM: How long have they been like that?
KRISTINA: About an hour.
["Change Of Time" by Josh Ritter begins to play as they watch, continues to play through the closing scenes.]
[New Scene - Drew is playing hoops by himself when Adam comes up.]
ADAM: Hey. Don't worry. I'm not gonna say anything about anything.
DREW: You promise?
ADAM: Yeah. [He takes the ball from Drew] Hey. [Crosby and Joel join them.] Oh! Aww...
CROSBY: All right, I'll take it up. I'll take it up. I'll take it up.
JOEL: All right.
[Drew gets the ball.]
ADAM: Put it up!
[Mean while nearby Zeek is tending the barbeque with Amber and Sarah.]
SARAH: I don't think we made enough sauce.
[Still at the hoop the boys play.]
CROSBY: Are you kidding me?
ZEEK: [Watching on.] Hey, you said I shouldn't talk to him, right?
SARAH: What can I say? You're the man, dad.
ZEEK: Uh-huh. I'm sorry, what? Hey, Syd! Sydney, look at this! [He makes fire balls like Crosby did earlier with Jabbar.]
SYDNEY: Wow, do it again, grandpa. [She runs up to get a better look.]
JULIA: Oh hey Sydney
[Seeing what is happening.]
JULIA: Hey, hey, hey! [Panicking Now.]
[Closer Sarah swoops in and blocks Sydney from the fire picking her up. Juile thanks Sarah with a look. Sarah in turn pokes out her tongue and they make faces at each other.
Kristina see Haddie arrive with Steve, she looks over to Adam and now everyone is seeing them arrive. Adam walks up to meet them, they are holding hands.]
HADDIE: Daddy, this is Steve. [He looks down at their hands.]
STEVE: Mr. Braverman, it's, uh, it's really good to meet you, sir. [Extends his hand.]
ADAM: [Adam takes his hand a they shake.] Whassup.
[Everyone looking on smiles, Haddie can't believe her dad said Whassup.]
1.04 - Whassup
Original Airdate (NBC) March 23, 2010
Written by Tyler Bensinger
Directed by Michael Engler
Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com
Please Don't Use Without Permission!
This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
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