1.02 - Man Vs Possum
Transcript by Craig Best

[Episode opens with Adam and Kristina in bed late at night, Adam wakes to hear some soft thuds on the roof and animal chirps.

ADAM: He's back.

[Talking Heads' “Once in a Lifetime” playing as the sound track as Adam gets out of the bed waking Kristina. Adam goes outside with a flashlight and tennis racket looking for the animal. Hearing noise he follows it, checking the garage he see the Possum. It hisses at him almost knocking Adam off the ladder.]

ADAM: Aaah! Gah!

[Running into the bushes Adam follows using the tennis racket to try and scare it away, hearing possum hiss again Adam steps back.]

[New Scene - Daytime, Crosby is at a pancake place bonding with Jabbar.]

CROSBY: So your mom said you wanted to know about your old man. You know what, let's start with you.

JABBAR: Are you married?


JABBAR: Hmm. Okay.

CROSBY: You seeing anyone?

JABBAR: Mm. Mm-mmm.

CROSBY: Hmm. Keeping it loose. I got ya. You know, if you're having trouble meeting ladies, it could be your car. What kind of car do you drive?

JABBAR: I don't have a car.

CROSBY: You don't...hmm. You have your license, right?

JABBAR: License?

CROSBY: Um... Those were my three kid jokes. I'm all out of material. Well, um... Oh, there's mom. Hi, mom. [They wave through the window.] It's going great. This is fun though. You like pancakes?

JABBAR: No. I like waffles better.

[New Scene - School drop off.]

JULIA: Okay, let's move it, people. Come on. I have a meeting. Please.

SYDNEY: Dad said he could've taken me.

JULIA: Oh, sweetie, I want to drive you, all right? We're bonding. [Another car cuts them off.] What the…


JULIA: Fudge! Fudge, sweetie. Oh, my gosh.

WOMAN: [Driver of the other car.] Come on, sweetheart.

JULIA: Oh, yeah. Please. By all means take your time. Go for it. I only have a meeting with a Supreme Court Judge so... Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, make sure she has her lunchbox. Great. No, no, no, no, no, no. [The woman from the other car starts talking to another lady.] Are you kidding me? No.

SYDNEY: Mommy.


SYDNEY: Who are you talking to?

JULIA: Sweetie, you can learn from this. This is a bad person. [Sydney sighs.] We live in a nation of laws. And when someone doesn't follow those laws, society breaks down.

[Julia honks her car horn, which only results in the woman holding up one finger to indicate one minute. Julie laughs in response then holds up one finger but around the other way. Seeing this Sydney smiles.]

[New Scene - Outside Rosevelt High School]

SARAH: This is so great. So special. It's your first day... in the new place. And it's just... gonna be... all brand-new and different than the...

DREW: Mom...

AMBER: What are you doing?

SARAH: I don't know. It was something I was trying. No?

DREW: Mm-mmm.

SARAH: All right. Good-bye. I love you. Okay. [They start to walk away.] You can be the best! I believe in you. Just be you! [Amber and Drew are clearly embarrassed.]

[Opening credits - featuring “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan]
May God bless and keep you always, May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others, And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars, And climb on every rung
And may you stay, Forever young

May you grow up to be righteous, May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth, And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous, Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay, Forever young
May you stay, Forever young

[New Scene - Outside Adam and Kristina's house]

KRISTINA: Let's go. Let's hit it. Hey, did you brush your teeth?

ADAM: Hey, Max.

KRISTINA: Think he did.

ADAM: Max. Max, we had a deal, remember?

KRISTINA: Okay. Okay.

ADAM: Regular clothes to school, but the pirate costume at home, okay.

MAX: I changed my mind.

ADAM: Well, I didn't, okay?

MAX: Mom said.

KRISTINA: Honey, I'm sorry.

ADAM: 'Mom said.'

KRISTINA: We don't have time to change. Okay? I'm...he was sad.

ADAM: Well, he can't keep going to school like that, okay? Kids are going to think he's a freak. How's he gonna make any friends? Now, I knew kids that like when I was at school. Once you're a freak, you're always a freak.

KRISTINA: I get it. Believe me. I know. I deal with this every single day, okay? I've tried bribing him, pleading with him, the bugs, buying him bugs, and cookies and food.

ADAM: I'm sorry.


ADAM: Okay? I just want to get him out of that thing. That's all.

KRISTINA: I do too.

ADAM: All right. I love you.

KRISTINA: I love you too. Oh, wait, honey, you know, maybe the Lessings… they'll have some ideas.

ADAM: The Lessings? Is that tonight?

KRISTINA: Yeah, it's tonight. I told you yesterday. They're really good people. They have a son with Asperger's.

ADAM: Well, it's not dinner, is it?


ADAM: Remember that time we went over there and they made dinner?


ADAM: They didn't preheat the oven until we'd been there for three and a half hours… it was unconscionable. I felt like I was being held captive. I can't go through that again.

KRISTINA: Honey, say good-bye.

ADAM: Good-bye.

KRISTINA: To your son.

ADAM: I know. Good-bye, buddy. I love you. I love you so much, babe. See you, babe.

KRISTINA: I love you too.

ADAM: Hey, you know, we don't even know for sure that he has Asperger's.


ADAM: He's not the Lessing kid.


[New Scene - Outside the pancake place.]

CROSBY: That was terrific.

JASMINE: [Clears throat] So... It's been a while, Crosby.

CROSBY: Yeah. Like, uh, five years and nine months a while.

JASMINE: I guess.

CROSBY: Hey, I-I hate to ask you this, but, um, you're sure that he's mine, yeah?

JASMINE: Yeah. I'm...I'm pretty sure.

CROSBY: You didn't have, like, relations with anyone else during that same period?

JASMINE: He's yours.

CROSBY: Okay. Well, hey, if you guys are in town again, you know, we should do this again.

JASMINE: Well, um... [Clears throat again.] Actually, we moved back.

CROSBY: You...really?


CROSBY: Really?


CROSBY: 'cause in your email, you said that you were just coming to town, not that you had moved back... with my kid.

JASMINE: Maybe you don't remember that I called you... many times. Crosby, Jabbar is starting to get to that age where he's asking about his dad. I would love it if the two of you developed a relationship.

CROSBY: Okay. Yeah.


CROSBY: Yeah. Absolutely.

JASMINE: Maybe you guys can get together an afternoon this weekend.

CROSBY: This weekend.


CROSBY: The one coming up this weekend?

JASMINE: Yeah, that one.

CROSBY: Yeah. Um… man, that sounds really good. But, um, I'm actually going out of town this weekend.


[New Scene - Kitchen, Sarah is on the computer.]

SARAH: What?

ZEEK: Nothing… Hmm.


ZEEK: Well, honey, I mean, You didn't move all the way back to Berkeley to serve up a bunch of whiskey sours to alcoholics. You should be on the other side of that equation.

SARAH: Okay. I should… I should be an alcoholic?

ZEEK: No. You should be an executive.

CAMILLE: Come on, Zeek. Leave her alone. She loves bartending. Right, sweetie?

SARAH: Yes, mother, it completes me.

CAMILLE: Well, never mind. You raised two kids on it. It's a good living.

ZEEK: You should be in advertising and PR. I mean, come on. You did all of the marketing and design for your ex-husband's band. If he hadn't thrown his career in the toilet…

CAMILLE: Zeek, come on. Leave her alone. Sarah knows what she's capable of.

SARAH: What's that supposed to mean?

CAMILLE: Um, that you know yourself.

SARAH: And my limits?

CAMILLE: I meant it in a good way.

SARAH: Let me tell the two of you something. It's not too late to learn some parenting skills, okay? Both of you. [Camille laughs] You can take a class or read a book.

ZEEK: Well, here's some… no, this is a good one. Assistant to creative executive at Pantheon Design. Someone understands the ad industry. Self-starter. I mean, that has got Sarah Braverman written all over it. Get on that.

SARAH: Dad, I'm pretty sure they're not looking for a 38-year-old single mom who's been a bartender for 10 years.

ZEEK: They're looking for a brilliant designer cheap. That's you.

SARAH: I can't do anything with you standing there.

ZEEK: Why not?

SARAH: Because you're hovering.

ZEEK: I'm not hovering.

CAMILLE: Yeah. You...you hover.

ZEEK: I don't hover. This is not hovering. I'm way over… this is hovering, like this.

[New Scene - High School, Amber enters her classroom to find a seat, other students chatter.]

AMBER: 'scuse me. [Making her was to a vacant desk.]

BOY: Hey. Are you new?

AMBER: Um, yeah. I just moved to town.


AMBER: Yeah.

PRINCIPAL GOMEZ: I'm Principal Gomez.

AMBER: Um...

PRINCIPAL GOMEZ: Can we step outside for a second?

[They walk out of the classroom.]

PRINCIPAL GOMEZ: We've reviewed your transfer files from your previous school in Fresno, which indicate you don't have enough credits to qualify as a junior.

AMBER: What?

PRINCIPAL GOMEZ: We think you'll be more successful starting here at Roosevelt as a sophomore.

AMBER: You're… you're holding me back?

PRINCIPAL GOMEZ: Well, I wouldn't look at it like that.

AMBER: No. No. I'm sorry. There's...there's no way. Absolutely not. I'm not gonna spend another year of my life here. I can't be older than everybody else. Look, please. Please just… just give me a chance.

PRINCIPAL GOMEZ: I'm really sorry, Amber. There's really no other choice here.

[New Scene - Adam is in his office looking up Asperger's on his computer, trying to find some answers before giving up. Then he types in “Trapping and Killing Possums.]

ZEEK: Hey, son.

ADAM: Dad.

ZEEK: Bad time?

ADAM: Never.

ZEEK: Great. So how's the big re-org coming?

ADAM: Well, dad, they don't call it a re-org. The company's expanding. What do you need? Do you need some new sneakers?

ZEEK: No. I just came here to visit my son for no other reason than to visit my son. You got these in a 12?

ADAM: I will call the warehouse.

ZEEK: You remember, uh, the work that, uh, your sister Sarah did for her ex-husband Seth's rock band? Man, I hated that guy. Did you like him?

ADAM: Well, that… that was a while ago.

ZEEK: Well, she did all the CD covers, Adam. All the posters for the concerts. Remember the one she did with the doves and the stars? That was dynamite.

ADAM: Yeah. Yeah.

ZEEK: Better than good.

ADAM: Uh-huh.

ZEEK: Anyway, she and I were on this, uh, Chuck's list the other day.

ADAM: Craigslist.

ZEEK: Yeah. So we saw this thing on a Pantheon Design website thingy. And I remembered that they did some work for you once, right?

ADAM: Uh-huh.

ZEEK: Yeah. The fella's name is Edwin Chung. You know him?


ZEEK: I reckon he's a Chinese fella.

ADAM: I don't know him.

ZEEK: What would be great is if you'd call him on your sister's behalf… your new friend Edwin… and, you know...

ADAM: Dad, Pantheon is a huge house. People are dying to work there. Look, Sarah's been working in a bar the last 15 years.

ZEEK: Come on, Adam. She's your sister. I mean, call, huh? What's the problem?

ADAM: Okay. All right. I'll call him.

ZEEK: Good.

ADAM: Anything else?

ZEEK: How's my grandson doing? What's the plan?

ADAM: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

ZEEK: But, sonny, you got to have a plan, kid. You can do it.

ADAM: Yeah.

ZEEK: It's just a plan. Hey, let's get some shoes.

ADAM: Let's get some shoes.

[New Scene - Julia arrives home early]

JULIA: Hey, Joel, did you, um, preheat the oven? 'cause we have to make cookies for the fundraiser. Sydney? [She finds a strange woman in her kitchen with Joel.] Hello.

WOMAN: Why, you must be Julia.

JOEL: You're here!

JULIA: I live here.

JOEL: This is Racquel.



JOEL: Racquel is co-chairing the fundraiser with me. We're, uh, we're, uh, wrapping and we're baking.

RACQUEL: Yeah, well, the school needs money. And you know what gets hit first is the arts. I mean, you know that the fourth and fifth grade orchestra program is just the tip of the iceberg.


RACQUEL: [Noticing the cookie dough package.] Oh, the preservatives in those things are terrible.

JULIA: Oh. Yeah. No, uh, normally, I bake them from scratch.

JOEL: Oh, yeah. We do a ton of baking around here.

RACQUEL: We had a most amazing time making cookies, didn't we, girls?

BOTH GIRLS: Oh, yeah!

RACQUEL: Mm-hmm.



RACQUEL: Oh, hey, Joelskies tells me you're a lawyer.

JULIA: "Joelskies" is correct. Yeah, I am.

RACQUEL: That's great.

JULIA: Thanks.

RACQUEL: There's a dad in Mrs. Abramar's class who's a lawyer. He sold 20 books of raffle tickets in one afternoon. Here. I'm gonna give you ten, you know, just to start out.

JULIA: You know, I'm gonna say hi to my daughter.

RACQUEL: Oh, no. You know what, we're going. No, come on. Harmony, honey, we're going. We're gonna let Sydney see her mommy. She hardly ever gets to see her. Don't forget your worry beads, sweetheart. We're Buddhists. Here you go. [Hands Julia the tickets.] Okay, we're going. Joel. Hey. Oh. You are so amazing. [Hugging him and giving him a kiss on the cheek.]

JOEL: Oh. All righty.

RACQUEL: And Sydney, sweetheart, I'll see you tomorrow. Wo ai ni.

SYDNEY: Wo ye ai ni.

RACQUEL: Oh. I just said "I love you" to her in Mandarin And she said "I love you too."

JULIA: Oh. Okay.

JOEL: That's okay. All righty, girls.

RACQUEL: Okay, bye.


HARMONY: Bye-bye.

JOEL: See you, girls.


JOEL: Hey.


[New Scene - Lessing's house.]

SUZE: Your life is about to change forever.

PHIL: It's all about accepting, not resisting.

SUZE: If you put in the work, they'll do great.

PHIL: Noel is doing fantastic.

ADAM: Well, Max hasn't… [Noel is playing and making noise in the background.] Hasn't even been diagnosed yet so we're...we're not even sure if he has Asperger's.

NOEL: Rah!

SUZE: Well, denial's very common. So what have you guys done so far? Have you changed Max's diet yet?

ADAM: Um...

KRISTINA: We need to change his diet?

SUZE: Oh, God, yes. Gluten-free. No wheat. No sugar. No chemicals.

PHIL: Casein-free too.

KRISTINA: What's casein?

ADAM: I don't know.

SUZE: We have a nutritionist that you are gonna love. Philly, get the cards.

PHIL: Okay.

SUZE: Good. You're also going to need an O.T. and a P.T.

KRISTINA: A P.T.? I don't know what a P.T. is.

SUZE: A P.T.'s a physical therapist.

PHIL: There you go.

SUZE: Thank you, lover. Colored index cards. They're a lifesaver.

PHIL: There is so much to keep track of.

SUZE: Ah! Our entire lives are on these cards. Red is diet. Yellow is therapies. Green is meds. Blue is aides and respite.

PHIL: Don't forget about pink.

SUZE: Oh, my God. Pink. Pink is our sex life. If we didn't have a card for it, it would go straight into the crapper With everything that's going on.

PHIL: Hey, isn't it Tuesday?

SUZE: [Laughs] Oh, my God. He's an animal. Um, eventually… eventually, you're going to need an in-house aide.

PHIL: Oh, and a behaviorist.

KRISTINA: I don't… what's a behaviorist? I've never…

SUZE: A behavioral therapist. A great behavioral therapist will change Max's life.

[Noel starts strumming an electric guitar in the back ground.]

PHIL: Oh, they say Dr. Pelikan is the best. A miracle worker.

ADAM: A behaviorist?

PHIL: Mm-hmm.

ADAM: So, uh, he works at changing behavior. That could be good. That could help Max maybe get out of his pirate costume.

SUZE: Forget about Pelikan.

PHIL: Why?

SUZE: Because no one gets in to see Pelikan. He's an elusive ass. He's like the Bob Dylan of autism.

ADAM: You know what, I want to give this a shot. I-I may have some connections. So how do you spell that? P-e-l?

SUZE: Pelikan.

SUZE & PHIL: [Together] Like the bird. But with a "K".

PHIL: We made dinner. Stay for dinner.

SUZE: Stay for dinner. We already made… Well, we didn't make it.

ADAM: Oh, no, no. Really, we have to...

SUZE: I got to preheat the oven.

PHIL: It's gluten-free pasta. It's really good.

SUZE: It's actually good. You should get used to it.

ADAM & KRISTINA: [Together] No, no, no.

SUZE: Nonsense. You're part of the family now. We're so...

PHIL: Welcome.

SUZE: Welcome

PHIL: Welcome to the family.

SUZE: We're happy to have you. Sit down.

[The loud guitar strumming continues, Adam and Kristina feel trapped.]

[New Scene - Sarah is on a clothes shop, snaps a photo of a top with her phone.]

SARAH: Okay. I sent it. Can you believe I got an interview?

JULIA: That's fantastic. [She is in her office.] I got your email.

SARAH: Oh. And?

JULIA: It's a little...

SARAH: I thought...I thought I was being hot corporate. What...what... what do they want?

JULIA: You need to go in there and say "here I am. I'm the only one that could do this job."

SARAH: Well, that's a lie. Everyone else could do this job but me. I'm not even qualified.

JULIA: Well, that's probably not the best attitude. You need to spin a little.

SARAH: I can't spin. I lost my spin. I don't know how to spin.

JULIA: Great, thanks. [To someone in the office.] May I spin?

SARAH: Please.

JULIA: You're a great artist. You've been unavailable for a while so you're a find. You've been doing other things.

SARAH: Checking my ex-husband into rehab.

JULIA: Now you're back in the east bay and you're ready to pick up where you left off.

SARAH: To move in with my parents at an inappropriate age.

JULIA: You're not helping.

SARAH: I just can't see really getting this job.

JULIA: They called you, didn't they?

SARAH: I know. That's the amazing thing. All I did was send my work, and they called.

JULIA: Well, that's because they see your talent. That's step one. Step two is you look this guy in the eye and you say, "I am going to blow your freakin' mind."

SARAH: [laughs] It sounds good when you say it. Did you get that one?

JULIA: I think we're in the wrong store.

SARAH: Oh. Crap.

[New Scene - Crosby and Katie at his houseboat.]

KATIE: What do you think? [Crosby nods at the lingerie she is modelling.] Okay, you don't like it. I have others. Let me try them on.

CROSBY: No, no, no. Katie. Katie. Listen, um... I don't know if it's going to work out this weekend.

KATIE: What?

CROSBY: I know.

KATIE: No, what? What...what... what could've come up?

CROSBY: Well, it's kind of a big deal. I-I don't know if I want to go into it right now.

KATIE: Crosby, if you're back with that bimbo waitress, Brandi, or that pseudo-activist, waify actress person...

CROSBY: Okay, honey, honey, I'm not back with anyone.

KATIE: Just tell me the truth.

CROSBY: Okay. [Clears throat] Okay. We think Max has Asperger's.

KATIE: What?

CROSBY: Adam and Kristina are just finding out about it. And I feel like I should stick around this weekend to be there for Adam and Kristina. And the little guy.

KATIE: It's amazing to hear you talk like that. You're gonna be an amazing father one day. Aw, come here. [She sits on the couch with him and they hug.] I totally understand if you need to postpone the weekend.

CROSBY: [Nuzzling her chest.] You know, it... it's not in stone though. And we should probably keep that option open. [Katie laughs.]

[New Scene - Dinner with Adam and his family.]

MAX: Did you know a cockroach can hold its breath for 40 minutes?

HADDIE: Fascinating.

ADAM: All right, Max, I want you to put Charlie away. It's dinner time.

MAX: Cockroach can live a month without its head.

HADDIE: Okay, seriously, I'm... I don't have an appetite.

KRISTINA: Haddie, it's fine. It's not that big of a deal.

ADAM: All right, you know what, Max, please eat your food. Leave the cockroach alone.

MAX: I don't like it.

ADAM: Well, how do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

HADDIE: It's not one of his foods.

KRISTINA: Hey, Max, sweetheart, you know, maybe you could earn some TV time tonight by trying your food.

MAX: I get TV after dinner anyway.

ADAM: If you don't eat your dinner then you won't get TV time.

[The start talking over each other.]

KRISTINA: Sweet heart…

MAX: It's not fair. The rules are I get an hour of TV time after dinner.

KRISTINA: The book says that we should frame things for a reward, not punishment.

ADAM: Well, he's saying he already gets TV anyway.

MAX: That is my time for the TV.

HADDIE: Maybe...[Everyone else stops talking.] maybe you guys could give him extra TV time.

ADAM: Yeah, how about that? How about that, Max? How about if you try your food, you'll get extra TV time?

MAX: How much?

ADAM: An hour.

KRISTINA: Five minutes.

ADAM: What your mother said. Five minutes.

MAX: Forget it.

ADAM: Per bite.

MAX: [He starts eating, counting his bites.] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. That's an hour, right? You said.

ADAM: Yep. [Max gets up.] Wait, Max, you have to sit down until we're finished with our meal.

MAX: Why? I already earned my TV time.

[Kristina smiles, Adam is frustrated but grins.]

HADDIE: That worked out well.

ADAM: Shut up, sweetie.

[New Scene - Later that night Adam and Kritina in bed]

ADAM: I have emailed everyone I know looking for a connection with Dr. Pelikan. It's like trying to meet the Pope.

KRISTINA: There's got to be somebody else.

ADAM: I don't know. [Adam hears the possum in the roof again.] That arrogant son of a bitch.

[He quickly jumps out of bed, once again chasing the possum he searches the bushes and finds a small bag of weed.]

[New Scene - Next day, Haddie is eating breakfast.]


ADAM: I found this in the back.

HADDIE: And...?

KRISTINA: And is it yours?


ADAM: You sure?



KRISTINA: I swear to God, if you're lying to us right now...

ADAM: Don't lie.

KRISTINA: Do not lie to me. You are digging yourself a very, very, very deep hole.

ADAM: Be the worst thing you could do.

HADDIE: You guys... this is not mine.



KRISTINA: No? 100%?


ADAM: Positive.


ADAM: All right.


HADDIE: But it feels good that you trust your daughter.

ADAM: Sorry.


[New Scene - Sarah at her job interview.]

EDWIN: Wow, you did this in 1990.

SARAH: Yeah. You were probably in grade school.

EDWIN: Preschool, actually.

SARAH: Oh, wow. That's depressing. For me. I mean, for me. Not for you. For you, look at you. That's...you're doing great.

EDWIN: Uh, so what have you been doing all these years?

SARAH: Well, I thought you might ask that. Um, I've just... been focusing on my family, I guess. I have two kids.

EDWIN: Um, yeah, that's wonderful.

SARAH: Not if you know them. I'm kidding. They're great. I love them. [laughs]

EDWIN: No, what I meant to say is that it's an honorable choice to choose your family over career.

SARAH: Yeah. I just moved to Berkeley. And this might sound lame, but I'm ready to make a fresh start. And if you give me this chance, I know I can blow your freakin' mind. Ugh. My sister told me to say that. That sounded so stupid. I'm really sorry.

EDWIN: That's okay. That's okay. Now, uh, tell me about this. What am I looking at here?

SARAH: Okay, so, um, my ex-husband was in a band. And, uh, it was pretty successful. And I started doing all their, um, their posters and stuff. And then I worked for another band. And word got out to some restaurants so...

EDWIN: Right. Uh, well, I got to be honest with you, Sarah, your work is phenomenal.

SARAH: Really?

EDWIN: I love these. It...it...it's hip without trying to be hip. It's fresh, fun. Now, you saw the range that we're talking for starting salary.

SARAH: The money? Yeah. That would be fine.

EDWIN: Good. Good. Um, you'll be reporting to me. Is that gonna be a problem? Just in terms of the um...

SARAH: 'cause I'm so old?

EDWIN: That I'm so young.

SARAH: No, that I'm so old.

EDWIN: Oh. [Laughs] No, that's...

SARAH: No, no, that's fine. I can take a note from a whippersnapper like you. Ugh. I, uh, no, it wouldn't be any problem.

EDWIN: Okay. Good. All right. That's good.

SARAH: I really want this job.

[New Scene - Outside in a play ground, Joel is reading a newspaper.]


JOEL: Hey, you're a hot mom.

JULIA: [laughs] Hi.

JOEL: [laughs] Hi.

JULIA: Oh. Where's Sydney?

JOEL: Uh, she's not here.

JULIA: What?

JOEL: She's on her way. She's in a car with Racquel and Harmony.

JULIA: Racquel? Why?

JOEL: Mandarin class ran over, and they needed somebody to claim a table. It's gonna be a pretty big group.


JOEL: Yes?

JULIA: I moved my meeting and jockeyed through traffic to have 21 minutes with my daughter, and she's in the car with Racquel.

JOEL: I'll text her.

JULIA: No. She's an insane driver. Don't text her.

JOEL: Oh, Julia.

JULIA: She is.

JOEL: Oh, God, Jules. I know you think Racquel is intense. And she is. But she's...she's a great mom.

JULIA: Good. That's great to hear.

JOEL: Considering.

SYDNEY: Mommy!

JULIA: Hi, Syd! Okay, I have 18 minutes. [Kisses Joel on the cheek.] I'm spending them with my daughter.

JOEL: Okay.

JULIA: Hi, baby. Come here! [she goes off to play with Sydney, dress in her business suit.]


JOEL: Hey. Hey, guys.

RACQUEL: You missed the most amazing class.

JOEL: Yeah?

[New Scene - Zeek chopping wood.]

ZEEK: So you drove all the way from downtown to ask me this?

ADAM: Could you just answer me?

ZEEK: No, it's not my pot.

ADAM: Are you sure?

ZEEK: Yeah, well, hey, you know, I haven't smoked that stuff in years. And, uh, what the hell were you doing out in the middle of the night weed whacking?

ADAM: I got something in my house. It's a possum, rat, raccoon. I don't know. Something.

ZEEK: Call an exterminator.

ADAM: It's personal.

ZEEK: Personal?

ADAM: Yeah. Every night, he's up on the roof making noise right above us. And just feels like it's deliberate. Like he's... Mocking me. So anyway, I got to get rid of it. I got to get it out of the house. That's all.

ZEEK: Well, sonny, you know, it could be something else.

ADAM: Like what, a weasel?

ZEEK: Weasel? No, psychological. Could be...

ADAM: It's not psychological.

ZEEK: Something you're manifesting.

ADAM: I'm not manifesting anything, okay?

ZEEK: Well, you're certainly kind of resistant to the idea...

ADAM: [Standing at the door with his clean washing.] Hey.

CROSBY: Hey, Adam, perfect. Mom just made carrot cake.

ADAM: Oh, good.

ZEEK: [Under his breath.] Psychological.

CROSBY: Pop, carrot cake?

ZEEK: Uh, yeah, maybe in a little bit. Got a little more work to do. Wouldn't want to help, would you?

CROSBY: Okay. Yeah. Earn it.

ZEEK: Yeah.

CROSBY: Yeah, make sure you earn it.

ZEEK: Yeah.

[New Scene - Inside the house.]

ADAM: Did you ditch a bag of weed in my yard?

ZEEK: Are you crazy?

ADAM: Just asking a question.

CROSBY: Hmm. By the way, I need you to cover for me with Katie. I told her Max has Asperger's and that's why I can't go away with her this weekend.

ADAM: You used Max's Asperger's as an excuse.

CROSBY: Yeah, I'm double-booked. I'm supposed to go with Katie to this incredible spa in Napa and then Jasmine asks me if I can bond with Jabbar.

ADAM: So you're deciding whether or not to go to some spa with Katie or spend time with your son that you've met twice in your life.

CROSBY: If you saw the lingerie she bought for this trip, you'd understand the dilemma.

ADAM: Hey, jackass, you have a son, okay? You need to man up, take care of your responsibilities.

CROSBY: Mm. You comfortable up there on your high horse looking down on me? My life's complicated, Adam. Mm. Listen, by the way, That guy that you emailed me about... Dr. Pelikan... I got an in.

ADAM: You?

CROSBY: Yeah, me. I have an in. Can you imagine? Katie's mom did him at some new age retreat back in the '70s.

ADAM: Slow down. What?

CROSBY: Katie's mom did him at Esalin in 1973, okay?

ADAM: And this helps me how?

CROSBY: He has a cancellation this afternoon.

ADAM: He has a cancellation today? Why did you wait so long to tell me about this?

CROSBY: Well, sorry that I wanted to talk to you for five seconds about my life.

ADAM: I got to go, okay? This guy's impossible to see. Thank you.

CROSBY: Oh, great. Thanks for your time. That's really generous of you.

[New Scene - Getting ready for the Doctor.]

MAX: I don't want to go.

ADAM: Look, Max, we're jumping over an 18-month waiting list here. Okay, we have to go.

KRISTINA: Honey, he doesn't know what a waiting list is.

ADAM: This guy is the Bob Dylan of Asperger's.

MAX: Bob Dylan never had a number one record.

ADAM: He's a genius.

MAX: Then how come he never had a number one hit record on billboard? The Beatles had 20 number one hit records.

ADAM: Uh-huh.

MAX: Michael Jackson had 13. The Bee Gees had nine.

ADAM: Well, maybe try not to compare Bob Dylan to the Bee Gees. And we have to go.

MAX: Hey, turn the TV back on.

ADAM: We have to go, Max. Come on.

MAX: No way.

ADAM: Okay, right now, we have to do this.

MAX: No!

KRISTINA: Max, put your shoes on.

ADAM: Max. Hey. Max! This guy can't help you unless we go.

KRISTINA: Not that you need help.

ADAM: We need to go. Yes, he does.

KRISTINA: Adam, I don't want him to think that he needs...

ADAM: Kristina, we need to make this appointment, okay?

[They talk over each other arguing as Haddie comes in.]


ADAM: What? What?

HADDIE: Um... It was mine. The pot. It was mine. Um... I just couldn't sleep last night. And I felt like I had to tell you. So a couple of friends and I chipped in. Do not ask me who 'cause I'm not gonna tell you. But I thought it was stupid and I'm not gonna do it again. Okay? [They exchange looks.] Sorry for not being the girl that you thought I was. Okay.

[They don't know what to say as Haddie leaves the room.]

[New Scene - Sarah is waiting to pick up her kids outside the high school, when her cell phone rings.]

SARAH: Hello.

EDWIN: Sarah, hi. It's Edwin Chung. How are you?

SARAH: Oh, hi. I'm good. How are you?

EDWIN: Good. Do you have a second?

SARAH: Yeah. Sure. That was really fun today.

EDWIN: Listen, I am so sorry, unfortunately, it's not gonna work out.


EDWIN: Yeah. I think you're great. I do. And I was fighting for you. But my bosses just won't hire anyone without a college degree. In any case, I wanted to call you personally to let you know how sorry I am.

SARAH: Right. Sure.

EDWIN: Oh. And my bosses wanted me to make sure to thank your brother, Adam Braverman at T&S footwear.

SARAH: Yeah, but...but why do... do...do you know him?

EDWIN: Yeah. That's why you were brought in. I thought you knew.

SARAH: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. Of course. No, no. I...that's... that's right. I forgot. I will. I'll definitely say hi to him. Thanks. Okay. Thanks so much. Bye-bye. [Drew and Amber arrive and they get in the car.] How was school?

AMBER: Can we just go, please?

SARAH: Oh, God, can you just not give me this attitude? Not today.

AMBER: Can you just drive the car, please?

SARAH: Yes. I can drive the car. I just want to tell you and remind you...

[Talking over each other.]

DREW: Can we please not do this here?

SARAH: That this is not a punishment. All you do is be negative.

AMBER: Please respect my opinion.

SARAH: And complain.

AMBER: I don't want to do this.

SARAH: And get your cousin arrested.

AMBER: Oh. Okay. Yeah. And that was my fault.

SARAH: Okay.

AMBER: It wasn't. I'm serious. Listen to me, please! I didn't smoke pot. And I didn't give any to her. And I didn't encourage her to smoke it. But you don't believe me. Ever. You didn't even listen. And as for this school, I'm really glad that you sent me here because they're holding me back.

SARAH: What?

AMBER: Yeah, I got held back. I'm gonna have to do tenth grade all over again. So thanks a lot for making me go here.

SARAH: What? What are you talking about?

AMBER: They're making me do tenth grade over again because they didn't like my transcripts from Fresno.

SARAH: Who is?

AMBER: I don't know. I don't know, I just...

SARAH: Who said that?

AMBER: I'm taking the bus.

SARAH: Amber, come on.

[New Scene - The doctors office.]

DR. PELIKAN: We're out of here. Ha ha ha.

MAX: Whoop.

DR. PELIKAN: Well, Max did just great. Max, how about you hang out here, play a little with the toys. And your mom and dad and I will go talk for a few minutes.

MAX: Okay.

KRISTINA: Kisses. Okay?

ADAM: Well?

DR. PELIKAN: Well, Max... is a wonderful boy. He's smart. He's sweet. He is very intelligent.

KRISTINA: Okay, doctor, I'm sorry to interrupt. I don't want to be rude, but we just want to know. I mean, does...do you think Max has Asperger's?

DR. PELIKAN: Max is very high functioning. But I do find that Max's behaviors are consistent with an Asperger's diagnosis.

KRISTINA: Oh, my God.

ADAM: All right. Uh, this is fine. We're gonna... look, we can work through this. It's not an insurmountable problem.


ADAM: I think we should just tackle this one-by-one. So pirate costume. I think getting him out of that thing is key.

DR. PELIKAN: Well, I'm...I'm happy to help with strategies for specific behaviors. I think that we should start with more of a big picture conversation.

ADAM: Okay I-I I'm just...I'm better with practical stuff. So you know, I just want to... we got to get moving on this.

KRISTINA: Adam, can you just...

ADAM: What?

KRISTINA: Can you please just let him talk? He's sorry.

ADAM: No. Go for it.


ADAM: Okay.

DR. PELIKAN: This isn't a prison sentence.


ADAM: So how long is this going to take then?

DR. PELIKAN: How long will what take?

ADAM: Just to get him through this. Get him back on track.

DR. PELIKAN: Okay, unfortunately, there is no cure for Asperger's. It is a syndrome that he will always have. Okay?

ADAM: I-I don't... I don't understand.

KRISTINA: Sorry. What...what are we supposed to do for him? I mean, I don't know...

DR. PELIKAN: You will help to uncover Max's gifts. You figure out how he learns. You get as much support for Max as possible. Quite honestly, the research clearly shows the greatest barometer of success for children with Asperger's is their parents' involvement.

ADAM: Oh, okay. All right. So just...just in case we can never see you again, how...what do you suggest we do to get him out of the pirate costume?

DR. PELIKAN: So the first step is not to...to wrench Max out of his comfort zone. Okay, the first step is to join Max where he is. And then when he's ready, you walk him into the world.

Adam and Kristina are in shock, letting the news sink in.]

[New Scene - The school fund raiser.

RACQUEL: And now for the main event of our evening, I give you over to my incredible co-chair. Does he clean up well or what?

[cheers and applause]

CROSBY: Aw, so handsome.

JULIA: Not only did Joel organize most of this event himself, but he literally built the platform that we are standing on right now with his own two, big, man-hands.

[cheers and applause]

KRISTINA: Who is this tramp?

JULIA: Racquel.


SARAH: Are they, like, screwing?

JULIA: No. What?

JOEL: I'd like to correct Racquel. She is actually, uh, responsible for doing virtually almost everything in getting tonight's event together. So let's hear it for Racquel.


[cheers and applause]

ZEEK: Yeah, yeah, you know, before the platform collapses, could we get on with the...?

JOEL: That's, uh, that's my father-in-law, ladies and gentlemen.


CAMILLE: Down boy.

CROSBY: What are you doing?

JOEL: I'm, uh, I'm actually not kidding. Okay, um, we are going to start with the biggest auction item of the night. The highest bidder will go home with a premium parking spot at Sycamore for an entire year.

JULIA: Ah, sweet. That's mine. Yes, it is.

KRISTINA: You want it?

JULIA: I want it.

JOEL: Every morning starting tomorrow for an entire school year at Sycamore Charter.

ADAM: Oh, my God.

KRISTINA: Oh. Oh, wow.

CROSBY: Gorgeous.

JULIA: Yeah.

JOEL: So who here is ready to pay $300 for V.I.P. parking at Sycamore Charter? [Julia raises her hand.] $300 from the beautiful woman in the back with the boisterous family. Do I hear, uh, three...

[cheers and applause]

JOEL: Do I hear $325?

MAN: $325.

JOEL: $325? I have $325? Do I hear $350?

LADY: $350.

JOEL: $350? I have $350. Do I hear $400? Do I have $400? $400 in the back. Do I hear $450?

MAN: $450.

JOEL: $450. Who's gonna give me $500?

LADY: Right here.

JOEL: I have $500. Let's go $600. Who's gonna give me $600?

JULIA: [She is handed a microphone.] $600.

JOEL: $600. $600 over there. $600. Do I have $650? I have $600. Going once.

JULIA: [Excited] Ah!

JOEL: Going twice.

RACQUEL: $700! [Now also with a microphone.]

JOEL: $700! $700. That's a...wow, that's a Sycamore Charter record. Right...right here. $700. Going once. Going twice.

JULIA: [Sounding serious now.] Eight.

CROSBY: Here we go. We got a cat fight. We got a cat fight.

JOEL: 800 smackeroos. Wow.

RACQUEL: $900.

JOEL: $900.

JULIA: [To the table.] Okay. It's on. [In to the mic.] Make it a grand.

ZEEK: Ah! That a baby!

JOEL: $1,000. U.S.

RACQUEL: Eleven.

JULIA: Twelve.

RACQUEL: Fifteen.

JOEL: $1,500. $1,500. Wow.

ZEEK: What the hell is wrong with her?

JULIA: [Unintentionally over the microphone] I know, she doesn't even work.

ZEEK: She doesn't work?

[The crowd murmurs there is feedback from the mic as the room goes quite.]

JULIA: Which is a valid... Such a valid, wonderful choice That, you know, I did an extra month of maternity leave. I-I took that...

JOEL: Excellent.

JOEL: $1,500. [Pointing at Racquel.] Going once. Going twice.

JULIA: Let's make it $1,920 in honor of the year women won the right to vote. Solidarity.

JOEL: Sold. Great, ladies. Thank you so much. That's a great way to start off the, uh, the evening here.

ADAM: I'm sorry. Uh-oh.

CROSBY: You can see that from space.

JULIA: I know. I know. It's gonna take me months to work overtime paying that off.

SARAH: Least you have a job.

ADAM: Well, I heard your interview went well.

SARAH: I guess. I didn't get it.


JULIA: Really? Why?

SARAH: And, Adam, next time you help me, maybe you could let me know. I actually thought I got that interview by myself and [chuckles] then I found out I didn't.

ADAM: Listen, Sarah, dad thought it would be a good idea.

SARAH: Really? That's what you're using? What, are you 40 and dad thought it was a good idea?

CROSBY: Oh, the gloves are off now.

SARAH: That's a terrible reason.

JULIA: Okay.

ADAM: I'm sorry I didn't tell you. All right? I should've told you. I'm sorry.

SARAH: Okay. Thank you.

JULIA: Hey, how did your meeting go with Max?

KRISTINA: You...it's okay. You can tell them.

ADAM: It's official. Max has Asperger's.


CROSBY: Sorry about that.

ADAM: Yeah.

SARAH: What am I doing? I'm, like, straightening your tie.

ADAM: Get off. You know, to make life even suckier, Our perfect daughter was hiding a bag of weed in the backyard.

JULIA: Oh, wow.

CROSBY: I am appalled. [Takes the bag.]

JULIA: As your lawyer, I would've advised you not to bring that to the elementary school where...

ADAM: It happened to be in my pocket.

KRISTINA: He was hunting a opossum while wearing a blazer in his underwear.

CROSBY: That's quite an image there.

SARAH: So it was Haddie's? Amber didn't lie? Amber told the truth.

ADAM: Well, I'm glad this is such good news for you.

SARAH: Amber told the truth.

ADAM: Haddie's smoking pot.

SARAH: Well, Amber told me the truth. That's happened, like, one other time.

JULIA: How's it going, Crosby?

ADAM: Hey, would you put that away? What are you doing?

CROSBY: Hey, look, man, I'm just trying to figure out what kind of mischief my niece is up to, okay? It smells like Mexican mischief. But it could be Humboldt mischief.

ADAM: Do not light that. Do not... [He lights the joint.]

JULIA: Crosby, if you get me kicked out of this school, I swear to God I will take your skinny ass down.

CROSBY: Well, if you get booted, then maybe that ho won't try to raw dog your husband.

JULIA: I'm so...what?

ADAM: "Raw Dog." is that a...?

JULIA: I know. What is that?

KRISTINA: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

CROSBY: She was all "Joel built this whole platform with his bare hands," like, you know, he's from the 1400s or something.

JULIA: Okay, Joel would never.

KRISTINA: No, he wouldn't.

JULIA: Joel?

KRISTINA: Never ever in a million years.

JULIA: And she's...she's...

KRISTINA: he's a tart.

SARAH: [laughs]

ADAM: Come on. Put that out.

CROSBY: [Hands it to Kristina.] Now it's in safe hands. Here we go. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, mama bear's...

ADAM: Kristina? What...

CROSBY: You got to put her on a shorter leash, my man. Look at this.

ADAM: You guys, this is still illegal. You know that? Still illegal. Kristina, would you put that out, please? Come on, this is illegal.

KRISTINA: I Didn't do anything.

CAMILLE: Where'd everybody go?

SARAH: Oh, my God. Mom. It's mom.

ADAM: Oh, great.

JULIA: Here comes mom.

SARAH: Shh. You guys.

CAMILLE: I needed some air.

ADAM: Oh, yeah.

CAMILLE: What's so funny?

ADAM: Nothing.

SARAH: Hi, mom. Hi. Mommy.

CROSBY: Mom, you look so soft tonight.

SARAH: [Snickering as she hugs her mother.]

CAMILLE: Oh, God, you guys, you're smoking dope in the school yard.

ADAM: I was not smoking dope.

CAMILLE: You idiots.

CROSBY: Mom, Adam's a chimney. We need to get him into a facility. [Blows smoke in his face.]

[They all laugh.]

SARAH: Get him!


SARAH: Get him!


[New Scene - Adam and Kristina watch Max in the back yard.]

ADAM: I should've seen it. I should've caught it. You were always concerned. I was always telling you it was okay.

KRISTINA: You know what, I think this is good because if we can blame everything on you, it's gonna make everything better.

ADAM: You think so?


ADAM: Kristina, I just... I don't... I can deal with anything. I-I can deal with disease, with illness, with a broken bone. Give me something I can fix. But I just...I don't know how to deal with this. This is for life.

KRISTINA: No, Adam. Just stop it. I mean, come on. You only heard the bad part. You didn't hear everything else that the doctor said. Max is...he's smart, and he's beautiful, and there's so much potential. And hope.

ADAM: So what now?

KRISTINA: We start to work.

[New Scene - Sarah dropping Drew and Amber off at school.]

[They get out of the car without speaking.]

SARAH: Have a nice day.

[New Scene - Principles office.]

PRINCIPAL GOMEZ: Unfortunately, there's not much we can do. I'm afraid Amber's transcript just doesn't justify being in the eleventh grade.

SARAH: I know. Her grades at Fresno totally sucked. Can't argue with that. The thing about Amber is... the hidden secret about Amber is she's really smart. She just hasn't gotten a break, you know? She hasn't gotten the break that she deserves. And that's my fault. And I take responsibility for that. But the reason I came here... The reason I moved my family here is... to give her a chance to become more.
I know the last thing you want is another parent in here asking for special treatment for their kid. But... I'm just afraid that if the first thing that happens to her here is that she gets left back... that she's just going to shut down. And the thing I want more than anything in the world is for her not to shut down. 'cause I believe in her. You don't know me. You don't know her. So... But I guess I'm asking for you to believe in her too.

[Paul Simon's 'St. Judy's Comet' plays over the next scenes with no dialogue.]

[New Scene - Crosby picks up Jabbar for their day together.]

[New Scene - Julia drops Sydney off at school using her new parking spot. The other mothers shun her.]

[New Scene - Amber is told she can stay in the eleventh grade.]

[New Scene - Max and Adam dressed as Pirates play in the back yard, Kristina watches.]

Episode End

1.02 - Man.Vs.Possum
Original Airdate (NBC) March 9, 2010
Written by Jason Katims
Directed by Lawrence Trilling

Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com

Please Don't Use Without Permission!

This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..
All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.