1.01 - Pilot
Transcript by Craig Best

Mean while just enjoy the show!

[Series opens with The Avett Brothers' singing “Kick Drum Heart” as Adam exits his house and starts jogging.]

ADAM: Morning.

NEIGHBOUR: Morning, Adam.

[Adam continues to job past his neighbours, soon after he has stopped, now sitting on a small wall he is panting.]

ADAM: Oh, God. [He says to himself.] Oh, God. [He repeats before his cell phone rings.] Hello? [He continues to pant as he answers the call.]

SARAH: I lost Amber.

[Sarah is walking through her house surrounded by boxes and moving men.]

ADAM: What?

SARAH: She fled, she escaped. She snuck right out the window.

ADAM: Okay, listen, Sarah, here's what you need to do.

SARAH: What, are you having a heart attack?

ADAM: No, I'm exercising.

SARAH: You're, like, wheezing like an old person. [She replied before spotting the removalist.] Careful!

ADAM: You need to find her.


ADAM: Your daughter.

SARAH: That's your advice? Thanks, big brother. Here I am, moving our entire situation just so I can make her life better. And what do I get? [She continues walking through the house.] Hey, Drew. Drew. [Trying the get his attention.] Please turn that thing down.

ADAM: Hey, how's Drew?

SARAH: Oh, good. He's good.

ADAM: Yeah?

SARAH: [Sighs] I'm doing the right thing. Right, Adam? Moving home.

ADAM: Look, Sarah, you're doing the right thing.

SARAH: You sure? It's gonna be good, right? I mean, you said it was gonna be good, and that's essentially why I'm doing it because you said it was gonna be good, so if it isn't good, I don't think I'll ever forgive you.

ADAM: Look, if it's not good, you can blame me. Okay?

SARAH: That's what I'm saying.

ADAM: Look, all right, Sarah, I gotta go, okay? I got another call.

SARAH: No, no, no, no, Adam, Adam, Adam, Wait, wait, wait, wait…

ADAM: All right. Dad.

ZEEK: Yeah. Uh, my pipes are clogged.

[Zeek is sitting, laid back at home.]

ADAM: Dad, I--I'm exercising.

ZEEK: Yeah, good.

ADAM: All right?

ZEEK: Okay, I need you here right now. I'm not even getting a belch.

ADAM: I… [He looks at his cell phone.] oh, God…. Oh.

[New scene, Sarah is knocking on a door.]

SARAH: Amber! [She calls hearing loud rock music playing from behind the door before it opens. A shirtless man is in the apartment then Sarah spots her daughter.] Amber. [She says entering the apartment] You need to get in the car with me right now.

AMBER: Look. [She says turning to stop her mother.] Berkeley is a living hell, mom. I am not moving there. I am moving in with Damien. We've decided. Right, Damien?

DAMIEN: Uh-huh.

SARAH: Damien, I need to speak with my daughter. Could you give us a moment? Perhaps you could use this time to put on a shirt.

AMBER: Nah, ah, ah. You stay right there, Damien. Do not let her scare you. Her bark is worse than her bite.

SARAH: [Growls as she charges Amber.]

[Outside the apartment building Sarah and Amber cross the road.]

AMBER: It's so embarrassing. Why are you doing this to me? You're ruining my life!

SARAH: I told you, we don't have a choice. I'm out of money. Plus, I want you guys to have a chance to be with family, and become decent, upstanding citizens of the world.

AMBER: Damien! Call me!

SARAH: [She bangs to roof of the car with her hand.] Get in the car!

[New Scene, Adam is lying under the house working on the blocked pipes. Zeek is also on the ground outside watching him.]

ZEEK: Hey. How's my grandson doing? Is he getting ready for his game? 'cause I'm gonna be there with bells on.

ADAM: That's… actually, dad, that… that's the thing, is I think you might be making Max a little nervous.

ZEEK: Huh?

ADAM: It's just, you're very…

ZEEK: Very--very what?

ADAM: Uh, nothing, I'm just… just… Max is a sensitive kid, that's all.

ZEEK: Well, you were sensitive too. I cured you.

ADAM: All right, look, if you're gonna come to the game, I'm gonna need you to be calm, all right? [His cell phone rings.] It's important that Max feels a calmness.

ZEEK: A calmness.

ADAM: [Answering the phone.] Yeah.

KRISTINA: Hey, honey? He will not put on his uniform.

ADAM: Look, the game's in an hour, Kristina. He has to go. I'm the coach.

KRISTINA: Okay. I don't know what to tell ya. It's a nonstarter. I mean…

ADAM: Just… [Exhaling slowly] I'll be right there. Okay?

KRISTINA: Thank you.

ADAM: All right. Bye.

ZEEK: What, he doesn't wanna go?

ADAM: Yeah, he doesn't wanna go.

ZEEK: Well, it's a baseball game. He's gotta go.

ADAM: [Raising his voice.] He doesn't wanna go to the game. He's gonna go. We'll get him to go. Can I finish this? [Getting upset as he forces the blockage in the pipe.]

ZEEK: Yeah, well, fix that and you get over there and get him to the game.

ADAM: [Finally the blockage come loose.] Ah!

ZEEK: Oh, no.

ADAM: Damn. Ah!

[New scene, Max is lying on his bed playing with Lego, Adam and Kristina are in the back ground.]

ADAM: Hey. What do we got?

KRISTINA: Major Lego binge.

ADAM: Go ahead.

ADAM: Max? [Adam enters the bedroom.] Max. Listen, Max, you don't have to play baseball, not after this season. But I want you to give this a chance because it meant a lot to me when I was a kid. So what do you say, we give it a shot? [Max continues to ignore his father.] All right, listen, after the game, why don't we go have some ice cream? Double scoop. And when I say double scoop, what I really mean is triple scoop.

HADDIE: I think you should let him stay. Like, do we even care about baseball?

KRISTINA: Well, your father sure does.


KRISTINA: Well, because men feel the need to express their love through hitting balls, slapping butts, and discussing meaningless statistics. And I think your father thinks that if Max doesn't do these things he's gonna grow up to be sad and alone.

HADDIE: Well, that's absurd.

[Kristina sighs as she watches her daughter walk away.]

[New scene outside the house, they are getting into the family car.]

ADAM: Only have 12 minutes, guys. Come on, let's go, let's go.

KRISTINA: Okay, okay. Honey, how did you make this happen?

ADAM: Oh, I just told him about the joys of baseball and how it's something he can do with his father forever.

KRISTINA: Oh, double scoop.

ADAM: Triple.

KRISTINA: Great parenting.

ADAM: Look, once he gets his first hit, everything is gonna turn around for him. This is gonna be fun.


ADAM: Whoo. All right, let's go.

[New Scene - A cell phone rings as Crosby climbs off the bed leaving his girlfriend sleeping.]

CROSBY: Ow, oh. Oh. [He answers the phone.] Why are you calling me?

ADAM: Crosby, you're the assistant coach. It's the third inning. Where the hell are you? Dad's out of control.

ZEEK: [To one of the players.] Bend the knees a little more.

CROSBY: It's not a good time right… I gotta, I gotta… [clears throat] I can't talk right now.

ADAM: What do you mean you can't talk right now? Are you with someone?

CROSBY: I'm gonna call you back, okay?

ADAM: Are you back with Katie? Did you have makeup sex?

CROSBY: Oh, come on, that's pathetic.

ADAM: All right, look, well, just get over here, all right? We're getting our asses handed to us, okay? What kind of brother are you?

CROSBY: I'm on my way. Okay?

ZEEK: [In the back ground] Atta boy!

ADAM: All right, come on, come on, let's go, let's go!

ZEEK: Cover second base, Max. You're the cut-off man.

[Back at Crosby's place he goes to the freezer for coffee. Spotting a silver canister he picks it up, it contains semen. Putting it back carefully looks over to the bed before getting the coffee.]

[New Scene - 'Fairyland' Julia is on the phone.]
JULIA: No, I have the deposition. Yeah, I will find the holes in it.

JOEL: [Coming up from behind] Hon, we're actually in a cell-free zone, so… [He kisses her on the neck.]

JULIA: [Into the phone.] Okay. Okay, okay. All right. Hudgins is freaking out. He thinks that Leon's gonna take him off the Tivoli case and so…

[They start walking back to the line where their daughter is waiting.]

JOEL: Uh-huh. Can you turn that off?

JULIA: I'll put it on vibrate.

JOEL: Hey, don't talk dirty at fairyland.

JULIA: Shut up.

JOEL: It's just that Sydney's been looking forward to this all week, so…

JULIA: Okay.

JOEL: Hey!

JULIA: Hey! [Taking hold of Sydney.] All right.

JOEL: All right, thanks for waiting.

JULIA: Thank you so much. Okay, let's take this photo, huh? [Her cell phone vibrates] um... One second.

JOEL: Be strong.

JULIA: It'll be so quick.

JOEL: Come on, you can do it.

JULIA: [She thinks twice before not answering the call.] Okay.


JULIA: All right.

JOEL: Cheese.

[New Scene - back at the baseball game.]

ZEEK: All right, come on, kids, you can do it.

UMPIER: Ball four. Take your base.

MAN: All right.

ADAM: All right, all right. Okay, everybody, we are only down by seven. We can do this. You ready, Max? Let's go.

CROSBY: This is our date with destiny. Come on.

TEAM MATES: Oh, Max is up? Oh, no.

BOY: Oh, God, Max is up.

ADAM: [Pointing at the boy.] Hey, not cool. All right, Max, listen to me, all right? I know I told you to swing at everything. But in this situation, you gotta know that a walk is just as good as a hit, okay?

MAX: [Not into the game] Can someone else hit? Please. I suck. I'm gonna strike out. Everyone's gonna hate me.

TEAM MATES: What is he talking… what's taking…

ADAM: [Taking his sons arms.] Max. Listen to me, Max. Max, listen to me. All right? Now it doesn't matter if you get a hit or not, okay? It's a game, it's all about having fun.

MAX: I'm not having any fun.

MAN: Who's up? Let's go.

ADAM: All right, well, look. Just try your best, pal, okay?

MAN: Atta boy.

MAN 2: Good game, all right?

ZEEK: Give it a wallop, Max. Knock it out of the park.

KRISTINA: Come on, Maxie.

ADAM: Bend those knees now. Get that bat back. Elbow up. Come on.

ZEEK: Shove it down their throats, Max now, come on. Shove it down their throats, Max…

KRISTINA: Zeek. Zeek.

ZEEK: What? What?

KRISTINA: Simmer. Simmer.

UMPIRE: Strike one.

CROSBY: Come on, there's no way that kid's eight. Did you see this pitch?

ADAM: Yeah, yeah, I saw.

CROSBY: Well, what, did they smuggle him in from the Dominican Republic or something?

ADAM: You know what, any time you wanna shut up would be great. All right, Max, come on. You gotta… you gotta get up to that plate, okay? Cover that plate, you just… swing at anything close.


ADAM: Run, run, Max, run! [He begins to run.] No, no, no, no, the other way. The other way, the other way!

[The crowd cheers him on as he runs to the first base.]

ADAM: Run, run, run! Yeah!



ZEEK: Ah, geez.

ADAM: [Approaching the Umpire and they start talking over the top of each other as their voice get louder.] Are you kidding me? He was safe. What the hell is wrong with you?

UMPIRE: What are you doing over here? You can't come out here.

MAN: You can't take that away from the kid!

[Bob Dylan's Forever Young starts playing drowning out the argument, which is still going on. Crosby, Kristina and the others look on. The Umpire walks away but Adam follows him to the pitches mound, finally Adam throughs his cap to the ground and looks to the crowd, realising what he just did.

[Opening 'Parenthood' banner.

[New Scene, acoustic guitar music plays as Sarah drives up in her old car to her parent's house, they come running out.]

CAMILLE: Sarah. [They hug.] I've been so excited. This is so cool.

ZEEK: Hey, hey, hey, Amber. [An awkward hug.] Hey, Drew. Give me a handshake. No, like a man. Shake it… geez, Drew. [Greeting Sarah.] Hey.

[New Scene - Night, the family are around a large table having dinner outside.]

ADAM: Hey. He went to the hospital with chest pains.


ADAM: Yeah.

SARAH: Wait a minute, you attacked an umpire?

ADAM: I did not attack the umpire.

SARAH: What did you do?

ZEEK: Well, no, it was a terrible call. And I am proud of you, son, for standing up for justice.

ADAM: Dad, you're actually not helping.

CAMILLE: Yeah, but did his neck veins pop?

CROSBY: Oh, man, they looked like garden hoses, they were so engulfed.

SYDNEY: Daddy, can you cut my meat?

JULIA: I got it, sweetie.

SYDNEY: Well, daddy does it better.

JULIA: I'm right here, sweetie.

SYDNEY: I want daddy.

JULIA: Fine. [Hands the plat over the table.] Joel, thank you. So Sarah.

SARAH: Um-hum

JULIA: What's the plan?

SARAH: The plan.

JULIA: Are you gonna look for a job, or…

CROSBY: [Laughs quietly, sitting next to Sarah.]

SARAH: Well… no, no, I've been home an hour.

JULIA: I was asking a question…

SARAH: And I don't have a job yet.

JULIA: No, I was just asking a question. I was just asking a question, right?

CROSBY: I'm Switzerland, don't look at me. I don't want anything to do with this conversation.

CAMILLE: Zeek, could we have a little toast?

ZEEK: [Tapping a glass.] Excuse me.

CROSBY: Old war here.

ZEEK: Excuse me. The master toastmaker has the floor.

[They all start picking up their glasses.]

ZEEK: To Drew and Amber... and my shining angel, Sarah. Welcome home.

SARAH: Thanks, dad.

ADAM: Hear, hear.

JOEL: Welcome home.

SYDNEY: Welcome home. [She adds raising her voice.]

[New Scene - after dinner the guy are outside.]

MAX: [Grunts as he plays hoops with his grandfather.]

ZEEK: Oh, Max, come on.

[Over at the ping-pong table.]

JOEL: So you're saying you found sperm in her freezer.


JOEL: Human sperm.

CROSBY: I guess. I didn't send it to a lab.

ADAM: This is crazy.

JOEL: What she gonna do with it?

CROSBY: Gee, joel, I don't know. I didn't ask her.

ADAM: This is uncool.

CROSBY: Can we just play ping-pong so I can lose myself in sport?

ADAM: Hey. She slept with you with another man's sperm in her freezer. It's unconscionable. She has to be confronted.

ZEEK: [In the back ground.] Back in. Come on, Max.

ADAM: So when is she ovulating?

ZEEK: Let me see you just dribble. If somebody gets up in your grill, you're gonna shove them back. You gotta get tough, Max. Kick some ass, baby.

ADAM: Hey, hey, dad.

ZEEK: What?

ADAM: Could you just take it down by about half?

ZEEK: Yeah. Okay, are you ready?

MAX: Yeah. [Zeek shoves the Basketball into Max.] Ugh!

ZEEK: Good, come on.

[New Scene - Amber and Haddie enter her new bed room carrying some luggage.]

AMBER: So is Max still wearing that pirate costume to school?

HADDIE: Um... We think he's working through. [Amber sits on her bed and pulls out a packet of cigarettes, silently offering one to Haddie who is surprised.] Uh... no, thanks. I'm cool.

[Amber starts to unpack as Haddie starts to leave, then turns back.]

HADDIE: You know, if you wanted to come hang out with me and my friends after school, I mean, we honestly don't do anything, But if you wanted to come hang out with us... you could.

AMBER: Whew. Wow. Okay, wow, a really warm invitation. Thank you so much. Okay.

[New Scene - Sarah and the other ladies are sitting at the dining room table. Kristina opens a bottle of wine in the kitchen before joining them.]

SARAH: Why did you buy them?

KRISTINA: I didn't. I didn't buy them.

JULIA: Sarah.

SARAH: What?

JULIA: You will never guess who I keep running into at Berkeley Coffee downtown.



SARAH: Jim...

JULIA: Jim Kazinsky.

SARAH: Oh, Jim Kazinsky.

KRISTINA: The unabomber? I thought he…

SARAH and JULIA: No, Jim Kazinsky.

KRISTINA: Oh, Jim Kazinsky. He was real cute.

CAMILLE: I really liked Jim.

SARAH: Yeah, well, 20 years ago. Moving on. [She laughs awkwardly before turning to Julia.] How's he look?

JULIA: Smokin' hot.

SARAH: Really?

JULIA: Yeah.


JULIA: You should call him.

SARAH: Oh, no, no.

JULIA: I'm setting it up.

SARAH: No, please don't.

JULIA: You need a date.

KRISTINA: Hmm-hmm. You do.


[The conversation is interrupted as the men enter the house.]

ADAM: You're gonna be fine, Max. Incoming.

ZEEK: Bloody nose.

CROSBY: Major flow.


ADAM: We'll get you all fixed up, all right?

KRISTINA: Oh, my God. What happened?

ADAM: Ah, an elbow to the face.

KRISTINA: You elbowed him in the face?

ZEEK: He was in my zone.

KRISTINA: Okay, he's eight.

ZEEK: Well, I apologized to him. Didn't I, Max? Did I apolo… I apologized.

ADAM: Well, I could use some ice.

KRISTINA: Where were you?

ADAM: I was just playing some ping-pong with Crosby. I was trying to get him to mellow. I don't know what happened. You got him?


ADAM: Dad.

ZEEK: Yeah.

CAMILLE: Your grandpa's an idiot.

ADAM: Dad, what are you doing?

ZEEK: Yeah.

ADAM: What are you doing?

ZEEK: Oh, Adam. You know, the boy has some height deficiencies. We need to make him a ball handler.

ADAM: Do you really have to be playing with him that hard?

ZEEK: Yeah, you weren't any different. You had to get over your fears too.

ADAM: We're not raising him the way that you raised us, All right?

ZEEK: Oh. Okay, what's that supposed to mean?

ADAM: It means I don't want him to feel like everything in life is a war.

ZEEK: Oh, sonny. It is a war. [He smiles and walks away.]

[New Scene - Sarah leaves her bedroom and goes into Amber and Drew's, cleaning her teeth with a floss tooth pick.]

SARAH: Good night, you guys, sleep tight. Have you been smoking in here?

AMBER: Ew, can you please not use that thing in front of me? It's gross.

DREW: How much longer do we have to share a room?

SARAH: I don't know, honey.

AMBER: That reminds me, Drew. If you feel the urge to, uh, release the tension, so to speak, do you think you could do it in the bathroom?

SARAH: Oh, Amber.

DREW: Look, if there's not enough room here, I mean, Maybe I can move back to Fresno.

SARAH: What?

DREW: Yeah, I can move in with dad.

AMBER: Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Maybe you guys could share a drug dealer.

SARAH: Oh, my God. [Snapping at Amber.]

DREW: He's got an extra bedroom, and we've talked about it.

SARAH: You have?

DREW: Kind of, yeah.

SARAH: I don't know, honey. Dad gets so busy, And what if he has to go out on tour…

DREW: Can we just talk to him about it?

SARAH: Yeah. Sure. Of course. [She smiles before getting up to leave.] You should not be smoking, especially not in your grandmother and grandfather's house. [Pointing at Amber.] We are guests in this house.

AMBER: Oh, I thought we lived here.

[Sarah shuts door and goes back to her room, tired from the busy day.]

[New Scene - Gospel choir singing in a studio, Crosby is at the control console.]

KATIE: Hey, how's it going?


KATIE: Um... Uh, is something off in the Sopranos?


KATIE: Yeah, I think there's a little…

CROSBY: Okay, hey. Yeah, it's called a major seventh chord and it's fine.

KATIE: Well, I'm the producer. I'm the one who has to answer to the client. Why are you so testy?

CROSBY: I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the sperm in your freezer?

KATIE: Oh, I was wondering if you saw that.

CROSBY: Yeah, were you wondering? 'cause it's this gigantic shiny thermos full of semen, So yeah, I found it right next to the coffee.

KATIE: Okay, you know, I do not want to have this conversation again. I am ready to have a baby and you're not. You're not mature enough.

CROSBY: Okay, I'm not mature enough. I'm not the one out scrounging up some guy's sperm…

KATIE: And I am not scrounging it up. I bought it, for a lot. And I have to tell you, actually, it is amazing sperm.

CROSBY: Is it?

KATIE: Yeah, the donor is an Olympic athlete and a Rhodes scholar.

CROSBY: Great, then it sounds like this sperm's gonna be an excellent father. So maybe he can coach soccer for you or whatever.

KATIE: You're an idiot.

CROSBY: I'm an idiot.

KATIE: Yeah.

CROSBY: Okay, I don't have a space-age contraption in my… [Katie leaves the room] When are you ovulating?

KATIE: Friday.

[The Gospel choir ends the song]

[New Scene - Max is doing crafts at school, Light talking as Max tries to cut a piece of paper. He grows frustrated as it's not working out how he wanted. The other students notice.]

AMOS: Hey, Maximo, Save some paper for the rest of us.

[The frustration builds.]

AMOS: Freak.

[Max charges the boy knocking him aver before wrestling him on the ground.]

TEACHER: Boys. Boys. Max. Max. [She tries to hold Max.] Max, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Calm down. Stop it. Stop it! Max, calm down.

AMOS: He bit me.

TEACHER: Back to work, everybody.

AMOS: He bit me.

TEACHER: Max. What are you doing?

[New Scene - Adam and Kristina at the school talking to the teacher and principle.]

KRISTINA: I just, I can't believe that Max would do that.

ADAM: He must have been taunted.

PRINCIPLE: And we will deal with Amos as well. But for right now, we want to focus on Max.

ADAM: I think we're overanalysing this a little bit. Maybe if we didn't allow him to wear a pirate costume to school, He'd fit in a little bit better.

KRISTINA: Wait a minute, wait a minute, We all decided that we would monitor the pirate situation.

ADAM: Everyone else decided, and now he's getting picked on, which is exactly what I thought would happen.

PRINCIPLE: I think what we're trying to say here is that we're not sure that Sullivan Elementary is the right fit for Max.

KRISTINA: I am, I'm sorry, I don't understand…

PRINCIPLE: I think we should take Max to an educational therapist to have him tested to see whether or not she thinks Max can be successful…

ADAM: Let's just cut to the chase. Are we getting expelled? You giving us the boot?

KRISTINA: Adam. [She says before turning to the Principle.] Are we?

[New Scene - Night, Camille and Sarah out side the house in the garden.]

CAMILLE: That's great. Amber's out with Haddie and her friends.

SARAH: [Reading from the paper.] Ooh, here's a two-in-one in Emeryville. That looks good.

CAMILLE: Emeryville? Over my dead body. Why don't you put that thing down? You're staying right here until you get back on your feet.

SARAH: Mom, I'm on my feet, I'm not destitute, I just got a little financial trouble and two degenerate kids, but I'll be fine.

CAMILLE: I'm just letting you know we're here for you.

SARAH: Thank you. But trust me. I think I should cut this out, you know, In the slim chance that we wear out our welcome.

[Sarah goes into her fathers office which is filled with thinks from her past, she smiles in remembrance. Looking for scissors she finds an open box of condoms. Sarah looks at her mother through the window working in the garden as her cell phone rings, quickly she puts back the box and answers the call.]

SARAH: Hello. Who is this? [Gasps] Oh, my God.

[New Scene - Police station. Natural Disaster by Andrew Bird is playing in the background.]

ADAM: Can you believe this?

SARAH: [She approaches with Zeek.] Adam. Hey.

ADAM: Hey. It's okay. All right? They weren't officially booked, so... it's not gonna go on their records.

SARAH: Oh... [Looking concerned.] Thank God for that, huh? Oh, God. Kristina, I'm so sorry.

KRISTINA: Oh, it's okay. It's fine, it's over.

ADAM: It's over.

[New Scene - Back at home Zeek pulls up in the car and they get out.]

ZEEK: Okay. I'll make us some coffee.

AMBER: Mom. It wasn't my weed.

SARAH: That's great. What a relief. I'm so proud of you, honey. [Walking of disappointed.]

[The song continues to play.]

[New Scene - Amber is watching TV on the couch as Sarah comes down the stairs]

AMBER: Hello. Date night.

SARAH: Please. No comment.

AMBER: Where's he taking you?

SARAH: Chinese.

AMBER: Sexy.

SARAH: That's enough out of you. Okay? That's enough. I want you to know you made me mad, and you embarrassed me. And it's gonna be a long time before you earn my trust back.

AMBER: Okay. [Sarah picks up her keys and goes to leave.] Are you sure about the shoes?

SARAH: [She stops and turns.] Go on.

AMBER: Well, I mean, it's a date. Not a bar mitzvah. I just think you should really go with your strong suit, you know?

SARAH: What is my strong suit?

AMBER: Uh, your boots, obviously.

SARAH: All right.

AMBER: Also, that bag is… it's very 1960s. [Sarah smiles.] Not in a good way.

SARAH: Oh, God.

[New Scene - Reflective music plays as Sarah plus up outside the restaurant, she has changed her outfit and now has boots on. Loosing her footing as she steps onto the sidewalk it's clear she is not used to the boots with heels. Asian music plays as she enters, looking around she takes a breath and puts on her game face as looks for her date.]

JIM: Hi.

SARAH: Hi. [She replies still looking around not giving Jim a second look.]

JIM: [He stands as Sarah is about to leave.] Sarah. Hi, it's me. It's, uh… it's Jim.

SARAH: Oh, my God. [Trying to cover her disappointment.]

JIM: Hi.



SARAH: Oh. Hey.

[They knock heads.]

SARAH: Ow. Oh.

JIM: Oh, God, I'm sorry. I… I didn't realize you… you were going to the right. Are you okay?

SARAH: Yes, I'm good.

JIM: You look great.

SARAH: Oh, and you? Wow.

JIM: You wanna sit down, or…

SARAH: Okay. Yeah. [Laughs nervously.] Gosh.

JIM: Hey.


JIM: Uh…

SARAH: Oh, Julia said that she ran into you at, um, at Berkeley Coffee.

JIM: Yeah.

SARAH: Do you live near there? You work near there?

JIM: Oh, maybe she didn't, uh… I… I work at Berkeley Coffee. I'm a, uh, barista.

SARAH: Oh. Yeah.

JIM: Yeah.

SARAH: She didn't say that. Um, and so how long have you been in the caffeine game?

JIM: Uh, look, it's a long story, actually, I…

SARAH: I'm sorry. I just… I'm just gonna cut you off. I have to, um, I'm just gonna make a quick… [Clicks her tongue] and then, um, I'm gonna be right back.

JIM: I'll get the appetizers started.

SARAH: Okay, yeah.

JIM: Do you like shrimp toast?

SARAH: Any kind of toast. [She can't leave quick enough to make the phone call outside.]

[New Scene - Julia is about to leave her office as the cell phone rings.]

JULIA: [Groans trying to ] Hello.

SARAH: Well, is this who I am to you?

JULIA: What are you talking about?

SARAH: I mean, I know I'm not a big lawyer who walks around on the weekends in a juicy pantsuit. Does that mean I have to go out with a fat, balding barista? I'm just wondering. Is that who I am to you?

JULIA: Oh, my God. Sarah.

SARAH: No, no, no. Don't "oh, God" me, Julia. I know you're sexier than me. Everybody knows it.

JULIA: Whoa, whoa, hold on.

SARAH: I don't understand why you have to always prove that you're better than me. I am never letting you set me up again. Ever.

JULIA: Good, because I'm done trying to help you.

SARAH: Well, I don't need your help Because I'm not some charity case.

JULIA: Screw you.

SARAH: Oh, no, screw you. I can't talk to you right now anyway, I have to go. Because I am on a freakin' date.

[New Scene - Back in the restaurant.]

JIM: Is everything okay?

SARAH: It's great.

JIM: Listen, I, uh… I have something I wanna show you. [Handing Sarah a ring.] It's yours. That's the, uh, that's the ring I gave you.

SARAH: Oh, yeah. [A little confused she chuckles.] Yeah. How do you have it?

JIM: Oh, well, I don't know if you remember. You sort of threw it at me the night you broke up with me.

SARAH: Oh. I hit you right in the eye.

JIM: Yeah, remember? I said you should really, you should…

SARAH & JIM: [Together] Try out for the A's.

JIM: Right.

[They both laugh nervously.]

JIM: So I want you to know I'm not just a barista. I rebuild trucks from the '30s. I have several ping-pong trophies on display in my otherwise unimpressive apartment. And if that's not enough, which I'm sure it is, I just found The New Yorker's publishing one of my poems.

SARAH: The real New Yorker?

JIM: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. I'm really glad you called. You know, I've always thought about you, Sarah.

SARAH: [Sniffling]

JIM: Are you… Are you all right, or…

SARAH: [Putting it on her finger, now almost crying.] You just kept this all this time. That's so nice. You're so nice and funny. I married this guy who's, you know, like a tortured musician, and he has this drug problem. [Sighs] I was such a jerk to… I… I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm not very good at the, um, the dating thing anymore, you know? And, I mean, let's face it, in my prime, I wasn't… I wasn't that good at it either.

JIM: You're more beautiful than I remember you.

SARAH: Shut up.

JIM: You are.

SARAH: Seriously, please shut up. [She looks up to Jim and smiles.] Really?

JIM: Yeah.

[New Scene - Back at home in her fathers office Jim and Sarah are on the couch.]

JIM: Is your dad home?


JIM: What?

SARAH: It's okay. We're 38.

JIM: Oh, okay. [They go down to make out some more.] Ah, damn. No condoms. I'm sorry. I have just become so accustomed to the idea of not getting laid.

SARAH: [She giggles.] Oh, oh! It's okay. [Climbing over the back of the couch and knocking done some photos.] Oopsie.

JIM: Is he home? What is it, what is it?

SARAH: I got it. I got it.

JIM: What? Why does your dad have condoms in his desk drawer?

SARAH: I don't know. I was looking for scissors the other day. And I found them. [Falling back over the couch.]

JIM: Oh, my God, what did you do?

SARAH: I stared at them for two hours and then I went to sleep.

JIM: Do you think he's having an affair?

SARAH: Oh, my God, stop talking.

[Sarah pulls Jim back down.]

[New Scene - Crosby and Katie's place.]

CROSBY: Hey. Just so you know, uh, He never actually participated in a single Olympic event, so.

KATIE: What?

CROSBY: Your phenomenal sperm, Stanford Hecht, travelled with the bowling team as a third backup. He never got in a single game. He never rolled a ball. Just thought you might like to know that before you pull out the turkey baster.

KATIE: Oh, my God. You Googled my sperm.

CROSBY: Yeah. I Googled your sperm. I can't believe that you're doing this without even discussing it with me.

KATIE: Well, what are we supposed to discuss? Every time the word commitment comes up, you wince.

CROSBY: That's not true.

KATIE: You just winced.

CROSBY: Yeah, well, prove it.

KATIE: You just winced.

CROSBY: Prove it.

KATIE: You're an infant.

CROSBY: You're panicky.

KATIE: I am 34, I want a baby.

CROSBY: Oh, okay, so you're just gonna inseminate yourself with the seed of some third-rate hack bowler?

KATIE: Yeah.

CROSBY: I mean, how about having a conversation or a compromise?

KATIE: Oh, you want half a baby? A bunny? What's a compromise?

CROSBY: No, like, you know, you give me a little time to figure out my career stuff.

KATIE: I just saw a decade flash before my eyes. I need numbers, babe.

CROSBY: Okay, five years, tops.

KATIE: I'll give you three.


KATIE: Okay.

CROSBY: Great.

KATIE: So you're saying you'll have a baby with me in three years?


KATIE: Oh, my God, I love you. [She runs to him and jumps into his arms.]

CROSBY: Okay. Oh.

KATIE: Oh, God, I love you.

CROSBY: I love you too.

KATIE: I love you.

CROSBY: [Laughs nervously.]

[New Scene - Sydney is in bed and Julia is singing to her.]

JULIA: Twinkle, twinkle little star‚ how I wonder…

SYDNEY: Mommy.

JULIA: Yeah, baby?

SYDNEY: Could daddy sing?

JULIA: Of course. Joel. [She calls and a few moments later Joel appears.] There he is. Hey, babe.

JOEL: Yeah.

JULIA: She wants you to sing to her.

JOEL: Uh, sweetie, mommy rushed here to get home to sing you to sleep.

JULIA: No, it's fine. We got to read the book.

SYDNEY: And the book is the best, best, best part.

JULIA: [Laughs then kisses Sydney goodnight.] All right, mwah.

JOEL: [Sits on the bed.] All right, you. Let's see here. What's one we haven't sung in a while?

SYDNEY: The monkey chased the weasel.

JOEL: Okay. Let's see. [Singing] Round and round the cobbler's bench, the monkey chased the weasel‚ the monkey thought it was all in fun‚ pop goes the weasel.

[New Scene - Sarah and Jim make a midnight snack run to the kitchen]

SARAH: [Laughing]

JIM: No pants.

SARAH: Pantsless snacks.

JIM: I just, I don't want you to get grounded, okay?

SARAH: [Laughs]

JIM: Ow! Oh.

SARAH: Oh, God. Oh, no. I'm okay.

JIM: Oh, no, are you okay?

SARAH: Okay, then run. You gotta run.

JIM: Six or seven splinters.

SARAH: [laughs] Okay, quiet. Be very quiet.

JIM: Quiet. Seriously.

SARAH: Be very quiet. This is not a laughing matter.

JIM: Don't make any noise.

SARAH: Don't, move. [The door slams] Shh.

JIM: You're the one screaming.

SARAH: Shh, shh, shut up. It's not even funny. Oh, oh, oh. This is awful. This is so awful. It's blackberry brandy. And it's delicious.

JIM: I'm not gonna have a problem with that.

SARAH: [Laughs taking a drink out of the bottle.]

[The lights come on, its Drew.]

SARAH: Hi, honey. [Smiling but embarrassed.] How was dinner with Uncle Adam? [She watches as he leaves.] Oh... [Then hears a door slamming.] I'm so dead.

[New Scene - Oscar's burger place.]

ADAM: Man, I just don't know who you are anymore.

CROSBY: I don't know what to say. I'm devastated.

ADAM: It's not a big deal.

CROSBY: Mm. Yeah, it's a big deal. We're at Oscar's and you ordered a veggie burger. You know how twisted that is?

ADAM: Didn't you say there was something you wanted to talk about?

CROSBY: Check that out. [Handing Adam his cell phone.] It's from Jasmine. The dancer. From five years ago. Remember her? The flexible one.

ADAM: She was really flexible

CROSBY: She contacted me. After all this time. I've had, like, five emails since we went out. And I think she's, you know, pursuing me, 'cause look it. It's, oh, um, "What are you doing this weekend? Can I stop by?"

ADAM: Yeah, whoa. Stop by, whoa. That's… yeah.

CROSBY: Bold, right?

ADAM: Yeah.

CROSBY: So do you think it's cool if I see her, even though I'm quasi-engaged?

ADAM: You're what?

CROSBY: You know, I'm potentially in negotiations to get engaged to Katie.

ADAM: Wait, I thought that we agreed that you were gonna confront her about the sperm situation.

CROSBY: Yeah, I did.

ADAM: And, and you ended up getting engaged?

CROSBY: I didn't get engaged… okay, listen, all right. I agreed to have a child with her in three years. So I think the marriage thing is probably implied, right?

ADAM: Yeah. Yeah.

CROSBY: Mm-hmm.

ADAM: Is this really how you wanna live your life?

CROSBY: Okay, look, I'm sorry we can't all be the perfect couple like you and Kristina and eat veggie burgers and stuff.

ADAM: You're an idiot.

CROSBY: That's...Pretty harsh. [The exchange looks for a moment.] Are you gonna eat your fries?

[Adams cell phone rings, he checks who it is.]

[New Scene - Percussion music band is playing in the shopping centre.]

ADAM: Hey. [He comes running up to Kristina.] Hey.


ADAM: What's going on?

KRISTINA: Um, I heard from the educational therapist. And she said that she has some concerns about Max.

ADAM: Uh-huh.

KRISTINA: She feels that Max has some learning differences.

ADAM: Okay, listen, I've given this some thought, I wanna contact the school, get Max a tutor to help him through this rough period.

[Talking over each other.]

KRISTINA: Honey she wasn't just talking about...

ADAM: Now listen I gotta get back to this meeting.

KRISTINA: I understand that, but she wasn't just talking about academics.

ADAM: I get that, and we'll deal with it.

[Adam stops talking for a moment.]

KRISTINA: Honey, she thinks that he may have... she thinks that he may have Asperger's.

ADAM: Asperger's? [She nods] Like autism? Look, Max is not…

[They talk over each other again.]

KRISTINA: It's high-functioning autism.

ADAM: Look Max is not autistic…

KRISTINA: A lot of people with Asperger's...

ADAM: Max is not autistic.

KRISTINA: Live very productive lives, Adam.

ADAM: Kristina, I've seen autistic kids. The Lessings' kid with the hand flapping…

KRISTINA: She was saying that when she was with him, she saw certain patterns.

ADAM: He was having a very bad day. And those tests that she gave to him were ridiculous.

KRISTINA: Adam, that's not true.

ADAM: She didn't connect with him at all. You know how important it is for him to…

KRISTINA: She said that if we get him the right tools to learn…

ADAM: That's what I said, a tutor.

KRISTINA: She wasn't talking about a tutor.

ADAM: Well, I'm not sending him to special ed. [He stops talking again.]

KRISTINA: Honey there is something wrong with our baby. [Clearly upset and about to cry.] It's not just, it's not just the academics, okay? It's not… It's not just the biting, or the pirate costume, or the fear of fire, or the… the tantrums. It's everything. Please don't make me be alone with… with this. I don't want to…

ADAM: Come here. [They hug.] All right? It's okay.

[New Scene - Max at school, he is sitting alone.]
ADAM: Max. Hey, Max. [He comes over to the door.] You forgot your book bag. Do you want me to hang it up in the hallway for you?

BOY: Hey, Max.

ADAM: Max, that, that kid just said hello to you. Max, if you don't say hello back, he might think that you're being rude.

MAX: Okay.

ADAM: Did you hear him say hello?

MAX: Uh-huh.

[The school bell rings, Max goes back to his seat.]

ADAM: [Quietly] Max. Max. Max. [He turns back.] I love you.

[New Scene - Outside the school.]

PAUL: We just need to bring in… it's, like, the home stretch. We need to just bring in a couple more cans here, a couple more… [He spots Adam walking by.] oh, oh, excuse me. Adam, hey.

ADAM: Hey, Paul.

PAUL: Great running into you. Listen, this is a little uncomfortable. Uh, the board of the little league had a meeting last night. Uh, the consensus was is that maybe it might be better if you stepped aside. Let someone else coach the rest of the season. Jordan Shefranick's dad's able to step in.

ADAM: Oh, okay. [Sounding like he doesn't care he walks away.]

PAUL: And Adam, they also asked me to tell you that you can't be present at future games. [He stops again] Uh, they've had some complaints from some parents. Uh, apparently the Umpire's filing a lawsuit. [Adam snorts and walks off.] I'm really sorry, Adam. It was a bad call.

ADAM: Yeah. Yeah, thanks for that.

[New Scene - Adam at home working.]

ADAM: Sorry, I couldn't get back to the office, so you make the call and I'll talk to you tomorrow morning. [There is a knock on the front door.] Okay, bye.

[Adam goes to answer it.]

ADAM: Hey.

SARAH: Hi. You're home early.

ADAM: No, I had this meeting over at Shattuck and then Crosby called freaking out about some emergency that couldn't wait.

SARAH: Uh, Drew didn't happen to come by, did he?

ADAM: Here?

SARAH: Yeah.


SARAH: Oh, I got a weird call from the school.

ADAM: Yeah?

SARAH: I don't know. I'm just trying not to panic. I'm sure it's nothing, it's just…

CROSBY: Adam, I am in a real pickle, man. Katie already tried to move up the date. You gotta get me out of this engagement.

SARAH: [Taken a back.] Engagement?

CROSBY: Oh, you're judgmental?

SARAH: You and Katie got engaged?

JULIA: [Entering the house.] Whoa, what?

SARAH: Crosby and Katie got engaged.

JULIA: Okay, this is about the frozen sperm thing.

SARAH: [Doing a double take.] I'm sorry, the what?

CROSBY: How do you know that? [Looking at Adam.] Is there not any confidential male guy stuff anymore?

ADAM: No, I don't think so.

JULIA: Hi, crazy lady who yells at her sister from a date.

SARAH: Fine. I may have overreacted a little bit.

JULIA: Maybe?

ADAM: What was that about?

CROSBY: Why are you here? Why is everyone here? Because this is Adam and Crosby time.

ADAM: I didn't invite them.

JULIA: Kristina's picking up Sydney from school for us. Joel has a dental thing, and Sydney doesn't like me very much anyway, so…

SARAH: That's not true.

ADAM: She loves you.

JULIA: Oh, she openly prefers Joel, and that is fine, because I am a good lawyer and he is a good father. So she will be like a relative of mine. See, I can, I can manage this. I can lower my expectations…

ADAM: Hold that thought. Hold that thought. [Turning to Sarah.] Wait, so are we saying we lost Drew?

SARAH: I don't know what happened, okay? It might have something to do with the fact that he walked in on me and Jim half naked last night.

CROSBY: [Laughing]

JULIA: You slept with Jim?

CROSBY: Good for you.

JULIA: What happened to him being a fat, balding barta?

SARAH: I warmed to him.

JULIA: Well you're welcome…

[Sarah's phone rings as they talk over each other.]

ADAM: How many days has she been home?

CROSBY: Get them out of here.

SARAH: Hello. Hi, Seth.

ADAM: Seth, there's a winner.


JULIA: She was screaming at me on the phone.

SARAH: What? He's with you? What are you talking about? Since when? Yes, I'm upset. Seth, whatever you do, do not let him out of your sight, do you hear me? I am on my way. I'm getting in the car right now, good-bye. [Closes the phone.] He's in mother-freakin' Fresno.

ADAM: Uh, Sarah. Sarah. [Following her to the front door.] Why don't I ride with you?

SARAH: Thanks. I'll do this.

[New Scene - Nighttime, Sarah has driven the 3 hours back to Fresno in her old car. Seth and Drew are waiting outside.]

SETH: Hey, your mom's here.

SARAH: [Gets out of the car and sighs.] Drew, honey. Hey. Hey. [He walks past and gets in the car.

SETH: Uh, it's just not a real good time right now. I mean, I got these road dates that might come up and it's…

SARAH: It's okay.

SETH: You all right? Is your family good?

SARAH: Thanks for calling, Seth.

SETH: Yeah. See you soon, champ. You know, maybe we can take in a game or something.

DREW: Yeah.

[Sarah starts the car.]

[New Scene - Thunder crashes as Sarah runs back from the shops trying not to get too wet, her car is parked under cover. Drew is waiting outside.]

SARAH: Drew. Drew, come on, let's go. Hey. [She walks over to him.] Hey. Hey. Hey. [She can see his is upset.] Oh, honey. You... Deserve a father. You deserve a great father. And I shouldn't have married him. And I'm really sorry. Oh, look at you. Look at you. You're almost a man. When did that happen? For what it's worth, you have me. I'm not going anywhere. And I'm really sorry, but that's gonna have to be enough, okay? Okay.

[New Scene - Children's choir is singing at the school.]

CHOIR: [Singing] Who can row without oars, Who can leave a friend behind, Without shedding a tear‚ I can sail without the wind‚ I can row without oars‚ I can never leave a friend‚ Without shedding a tear.

[The parents and family cheers and applaud.]

ZEEK: She was great.

JULIA: Oh, thanks, dad.

ZEEK: Where's Max and Adam? [He get up to find them.] Excuse me.

[The choir starts a new song.]

[New Scene - Outside Max is playing in the park. Adam is watching.

ZEEK: Adam. Adam, what… What the hell are you doing out here?

ADAM: We're fine. Just go back in. You're gonna miss the end.

ZEEK: Max, come on, let's go inside.

ADAM: [Sighs] He can't go in.

ZEEK: What?

ADAM: There are candles in the hallway, he can't walk past them.

ZEEK: Oh, hell, that's ridiculous. I mean, all he's gotta do is go by them. He's gonna be fine. Max. Come on, let's go inside.

ADAM: Dad, it's not that simple.

ZEEK: It is that simple, Adam, I raised four kids.

ADAM: Dad, there's something wrong with my son. There's something wrong.

[They both look at Max for a few moments.]

ZEEK: What do you mean?

ADAM: There's something wrong. And I'm gonna need you to help me. [he sighs.]

ZEEK: [Finally realizing something it wrong.] Yeah, okay. [He moves closer to Adam.] Look, sonny.

[New Scene - Next day, A foghorn blows, seagulls cry as Crosby walks to his house boat.]

MAN: Hey.

CROSBY: Hey. [A short laugh as he spots Jasmine waiting near his place.] Hey.


CROSBY: Jasmine.

JASMINE: Uh-huh.

CROSBY: Uh, well, uh, you look... Great.


CROSBY: Do you, uh, do you wanna go in…

JASMINE: Honey, come here.

CROSBY: Oh, uh, who's this?

JASMINE: That's Jabbar.

CROSBY: Oh hey, buddy. I'm Crosby.

JASMINE: He wanted to meet his dad.

[Crosby realizes Jasmine is talking about him.]

[New Scene - Lunchtime the family is gathered and all talking at once. Crosby enters in a panic and goes up Adam.]

CROSBY: We have a major situation.

[They move away from the table.]

ADAM: What's going on?

CROSBY: So, uh, I have a kid. A son, a boy. His name is Jabbar.

ADAM: Jabbar?

CROSBY: I don't know, she's apparently a basketball fan or something. Well what am I gonna say after that, like…

[Max comes outside.]

MAX: Isn't the game today? [Stopping the conversations at the table.]

ADAM: What? What, buddy, I thought you were done with baseball.

MAX: It's my team.

ADAM: Uh... Game's in ten minutes, everybody.

ZEEK: That's my boy.

ADAM: Come on, we got a baseball game.

KRISTINA: Okay, baby let's go, let's go, let's go. Hey, Haddie, can you go grab his uniform, please?

HADDIE: Laundry room. Got it.

ADAM: Come on, Maxie, let's go get dressed.

KRISTINA: Oh, my God, I think I'm snack mom today. [Looking at Julie] Can you help me with the snacks?

JULIA: Yeah, we'll make snacks.

[All Talking once again as they rush to get ready. Forever Young by Bob Dylan plays.]

[New Scene - The baseball field as the cars pull up, the song continues as they rush to the field. Adam is the last out of the cars and slowly makes his way to watch Max. The rest of the family is on the bleaches watching as Max takes the field.
Max looks for his father and sees him, turns to the pitcher. Max hits the ball on the first try and a cheer can be heard as Adam smiles. Forever Young continues to play as the screen fades to black.]

The pilot was in Memory of Nora O'Brien who died during production of the original pilot in early 2009.

Episode End

1.01 - Pilot
Original Airdate (NBC) March 2, 2010
Written by Jason Katims
Directed by Thomas Schlamme

Transcribed by Craig Best
Original subtitles from www.addic7ed.com

Please Don't Use Without Permission!

This is a transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, some settings have been added where needed along with actions and/or camera movements where I felt they were necessary. "PARENTHOOD" and other related entities are owned, their respective companies and no copyright infringement is intended..

All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.