ELDER GILMORE'S DINING ROOM
[Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating chocolate fondue.]
EMILY: This feels so decadent. Isn't this decadent?
RORY: Very decadent.
LORELAI: Are there more marshmallows?
EMILY: All you two have been dipping is the marshmallows! You haven't touched the kiwi, or the pineapple, or the tangelo slices.
RORY: But it's fruit.
EMILY: Fruit is good for you.
RORY: We're fondue purists, Grandma.
LORELAI: Yeah, we dip old school.
EMILY: The government says you should have nine servings of fruit and vegetables per day.
LORELAI: Imperialist propaganda.
RORY: I think Noam Chomsky would agree.
LORELAI: I bet Noam doesnt dip fruit.
RORY: Or laugh. Ever seen that punim on him?
LORELAI: Easter Island.
EMILY: Luminista, please bring more marshmallows.
LORELAI: Bless you.
EMILY: So, Id love to get your opinion on something.
EMILY: The City Ballet is in trouble. Weve given so much over the years, but its never enough to cover everything they need.
RORY: I hate that.
EMILY: So, were trying something new. Select patrons, such as myself, are sponsoring individual dancers. Help me pick one.
[Emily opens up a blue folder next to her and hands Rory and Lorelai cards out of it.]
LORELAI: Pick what?
EMILY: My dancer! I get to take one home. Bios are on the back.
LORELAI: And this is legal?
EMILY: Of course its legal.
RORY [shrugs]: Do you want a boy or a girl, Grandma?
EMILY: Im thinking a little girl. Cute and petite.
RORY: Theyre all petite.
LORELAI: But not all cute. This one should fouetter over to the dermatologist.
EMILY: Oh, yes, Id rather not look at that.
LORELAI: Really, Mom, this is a little bit creepy.
EMILY: Its not creepy! Were endowing dancers so that they dont have to worry about money. Its nice.
LORELAI: Well, Gregorio here looks pretty well-endowed already. [She passes his card to Rory.]
RORY: Heres a little cutie patootie. [She passes the card to Emily.]
EMILY: Oh, shes darling! Look at those little feet!
RORY [to Lorelai]: Whoa, you were right! This Gregorio guy, whats up with that?
LORELAI: Just a little girl talk, Mom. Who are we offending?
EMILY: Lets make two piles. One for the maybes, one for the nos.
LORELAI: Sandpaper face is a no?
RORY: What about Endowment Boy?
EMILY [pause]: The maybes.
RORY: You go, Grandma.
LORELAI: I bet Gregorio would be good dipped in chocolate.
[Rory laughs. Emily looks on, disapprovingly.]
ELDER GILMORES MANSION DRIVEWAY
[Rory and Lorelai are transferring boxes from Rorys trunk to the back of Lorelais Jeep.]
LORELAI: I dont know. Adopting a ballet dancer? The whole thing sounds very shady.
RORY: Its good to support the arts any way we can, even the shady-sounding ways. Hey, you took my book bag! I need that!
LORELAI: Oops, sorry. [She pulls the book bag out of her Jeep.] So you really think that transferring your stuff bit by bit like this is the way to go, huh? Easier than renting something, doing it all at once?
RORY: Oh, you really want to re-live the U-haul incident of May 2004?
LORELAI [indignant]: Ah! You make one iffy u-turn.
RORY: We were in a tunnel!
LORELAI: A wide tunnel.
RORY: Going the wrong way down a one-way street.
LORELAI: They dont let you forget.
RORY: Yeah, Ive got that elephants memory when it comes to nearly dying. Hey, you took my book bag again!
RORY: So, hey. Lets finalize our plans for Thursday.
LORELAI: Right. So Jackson says that Sookie has been napping between eleven and twelve-thirty every day. We can count on it.
RORY: Must be nice to nap without feeling guilty.
LORELAI: Get pregnant and youll have an excuse.
RORY: No thanks.
LORELAI: So, meet me at their house at noon. Bring decorations and shell wake up to a nice, fun, surprise baby shower.
RORY: You got it.
LORELAI: I think its cool we waited this long to throw it. Shes totally not going to expect it.
RORY: Plus we forgot.
LORELAI: But only we know that.
RORY: And Im not telling.
LORELAI: Good. Bye, hon.
[They kiss on the cheek. Rory closes her trunk.]
RORY: Mom, my purse!
LORELAI: Oh, sorry.
[She gestures hopelessly at the packed-full Jeep.]
[Kirk is sitting at one of the tables.]
KIRK: Luke, can I have a word with you?
KIRK: You overcharged me for the toast. Its only supposed to be a dollar.
LUKE: I didnt overcharge you, Kirk. I raised the price of wheat toast. Its a dollar ten.
KIRK: Youre kidding.
LUKE: I dont do toast humor.
KIRK: A dollar ten from a dollar? Thats a ten percent bump.
LUKE: Its a dime, Kirk.
KIRK: I could refuse to pay.
LUKE: Then Ill steal your bike.
KIRK: Thats never worked before.
LUKE: I havent raised the price of my toast in seven years, Kirk. Its still a bargain.
KIRK: Ill give you a dollar four.
KIRK: A dollar five. Thats my last offer.
LUKE: Do I look like E-bay?
KIRK: I take my toast dry. Isnt there a butter and jam discount?
KIRK: What about your chairs? Im light, and I tend to plop my butt directly on the chair without sliding, so theres practically no wear and tear.
LUKE: Theres no discount for direct butt-plopping.
KIRK: What about
LUKE: Fine. A dollar five. Its a dollar five. You got it.
KIRK: Thanks. Thats very nice of you.
LUKE: You raise something from a dollar to a dollar ten, is that such a big deal?
LORELAI: Well, thats ten percent, so percentage-wise its not so tiny
[Luke and Kirk gesture at each other.]
LORELAI: Did I step into something here?
LUKE: You know, I shouldnt have gotten into a business that involves dealing with people. [He points at Kirk above his head.]
LORELAI: Hey. [She holds up a magazine.]
LUKE: Hey! Your cover!
LORELAI: I got an advance copy!
LUKE: Oh, look at the inn! It looks beautiful.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: Ive got to get a new pair of pants.
LORELAI: Okay. That didnt exactly follow.
LUKE: You know, for the party theyre going to throw you.
LORELAI: You dont need new pants. You just need pants. And the partys in New York, so you may not even need pants.
LUKE: Ive got to get a copy.
LORELAI [hands him a copy]: Youve got a connection.
LUKE: I want to get a bunch, though. Frame one or two of them. Hows the article? Whats it say?
LORELAI: It was then, sadly, that I discovered Luke could not read.
LUKE: You know what I mean.
LORELAI: People are going to think I wrote it. I mean, its big. I nearly cried when I read it.
LORELAI: And the fact that when Emily Gilmore reads it, shes going to hire men to attack me with tire irons, well, thats something else altogether.
LUKE: Whatd they put in?
LORELAI: Not every heinous thing I said about her, but enough. I mean, its good stuff, its funny. Maybe if I just told them not the face.
LORELAI: The guys, with the tire irons.
LUKE: I think you should just show it to her and get it over with.
LORELAI: Mm, maybe. Yeah. Youre probably right.
[The phone rings. Caesar picks it up.]
CAESAR: Hello. [Pause] Hold on. [He presses the phone to his chest.] Hey, Luke, its for you. Its Taylor.
LORELAI: Caesar! You just broke Lukes standing when Taylor calls Im out even if he can see me through the stupid connecting window rule.
[Taylor gestures excitedly through the window.]
CAESAR: I can tell him youre out, and that Duke, your evil identical twin is in town.
LUKE: No, no. Ill take it. I actually have to discuss something with him. [He takes the phone.] Hello.
TAYLOR: Luke! Hey, buddy!
LUKE: Hey. Buddy.
TAYLOR: So the powers that be have signed off on you purchasing the Twickham house! All thats left is dotting the is and crossing the ts.
LUKE [calmly]: Okay. Fine.
TAYLOR: Ooh, sorry. Lorelais there, cant talk now, right?
LUKE: Pretty much.
TAYLOR: You know Im a bit of a romantic, Luke. The thought of you buying this house for your burgeoning family is quite touching. I almost tear up. Heh. Adds to the tax base, too.
LUKE: Well, good. Talk to you later.
[They hang up.]
LORELAI: Wow. You and Taylor seem to be getting on very well these days.
LUKE: Yeah, well. Hes been cooperating with me on certain matters.
KIRK [at a table]: Luke! I think the sales tax is off by a penny! In fact, Im sure of it. Im ready to go to the mat on this one.
LUKE [to Lorelai]: Those guys with the tire irons. Where did your mother get them?
LORELAI: The D.A.R. And they dont work for outsiders.
LUKE [sighs]: Show me the penny, Kirk.
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE
[Rory gets off the elevator with her arms full of files. She smiles at some men that walk by, and begins hurrying around, busily.]
RORY: Hey, Al. Hey, Pete. Hey, Lance. [Hands a file to a woman.] This goes to metro, a.s.a.p.
CHARLIE: Rory, if you see Patel, tell him Im looking for him.
RORY: Got it.
[She delivers some files to an office full of reporters.]
RORY: Need em back by five, gentlemen.
MAN: Thanks, beautiful.
RORY: Manners, boys.
HARRY: Rory, you got those obituaries?
RORY: Yeah, just give me five minutes.
HARRY: Lot of dying today.
RORY: I hear that.
[She hands off her last file to a man rushing down the hall.]
MAN: Thank you!
RORY: Oh, Patel. Charlie wants to see you.
PATEL: You remember Audrey?
RORY: I can.
PATEL: Give her this.
RORY: Okay, will do.
[Logan steps off the elevator.]
LOGAN: Hey, Ace!
RORY: Hey! Youre early.
LOGAN: Well, theres a first for everything. Wheres the fire?
RORY: Oh, just south of the ninety-five. Its a four-alarm. Weve got Kessler on it. [She delivers the file to Audrey.] This is from Patel.
AUDREY: Im not talking to him.
RORY: Ill tell him. [To Logan] How did you know about the fire?
LOGAN [laughing]: I didnt. I meant where are you going in such a hurry?
RORY: Oh. Im at half-speed compared to this morning. [They arrive back at her workstation.] Oh, no.
RORY: Im gone for five minutes and this place becomes a dumping ground.
LOGAN: Im loving the totally non-generic feel of your space, here.
RORY: I have customized it somewhat. [She points to a picture on the wall.]
LOGAN: Eccentric uncle?
RORY: Brian Eno.
LOGAN: I was close. So lets go.
RORY: Its four-thirty.
LOGAN: So cut out early. Theres nothing going on here.
RORY: Were doing our rough front page. Were picking our leads, our photos. Its our busiest part of the day.
LOGAN: So the people of Stamford dont get their paper tomorrow, theyll turn on the radio.
RORY: I cant go.
LOGAN: I know the boss.
RORY: So do I.
LOGAN: But I know how to work the boss. At least a little. I know hes somewhere in the vicinity.
RORY: Who, your dad?
LOGAN: Cant you sense it? The flurry, the shuffle of sycophants
MITCHUM: Hey! Someone new. Have we been introduced?
[They shake hands over the partition.]
LOGAN: Jose Canseco, post-steroids. Should be a warning to people.
MITCHUM: Are you keeping Rory from her work?
RORY: I was just about to call security.
MITCHUM: Does everyone know about the
RORY: Noon on Friday, main conference room, come with your game.
MITCHUM: Good. [To Logan] You call your mother about the Vineyard?
LOGAN: Shes on my list.
MITCHUM: Push him on that, wont you? [Rory nods.] Im going to four if you want to catch up.
MITCHUM: See you.
[Mitchum walks down the hall.]
LOGAN: Enjoy four. [To Rory] Whats four?
RORY: Fourth floor.
LOGAN: You news people and your jargon.
RORY: We have our own language.
LOGAN: So he treating you all right?
RORY: Who, your dad? Theyve been great.
LOGAN: You sure?
LOGAN: Just checking. So what do you think about Friday.
RORY: An excellent alternative to Thursday.
LOGAN: My sisters engagement party?
RORY: Oh, right. Im going to try. Im dying to see the yacht.
LOGAN: Well, its going to be full of Honors ditzy friends, but the harbors cool. Try and leave your grandparents dinner early. They get you every Friday night, why not let me have one?
RORY: Youre very one-note today.
LOGAN: Well, I miss you, Ace.
RORY: Well, Ill have more free time once finals are over and summers here, unless I get that summer job here.
LOGAN: Well, youre probably a shoo-in. My father seems to like you.
RORY: Oh, I hope so! I love it here.
LOGAN: Okay. So, Ill just go hang somewhere till youre done?
RORY: Ill be done six-thirty, seven at the latest.
LOGAN [whining]: Ace!
RORY: Six forty-five.
LOGAN: So, maybe Ill be hanging on two, or five. Is that the right
RORY: Youre getting it!
NEW YORK STREET
[Luke and Lorelai are riding around in a limo.]
LORELAI: Come on! Please.
LUKE: Im done.
LORELAI: No, you cant be done.
LUKE: Im done!
LORELAI: Theres more, I know it! Its germinating.
LUKE: Im done, Im at peace. There is no more. [Pause.] Just the smell of Manhattan!
LORELAI: I knew it. There was more.
LUKE: I mean, forget about the smells you cant identify. The ones you can identify are putrid! I mean, if its not that rank smell of hot dog gushing out of those dirty sidewalk carts, its the stench of the subway pouring out of the dirty grates! I mean, the manhole-cover steam? God knows what that steam is. You cant get a breath of fresh air!
LORELAI: Go, Luke! Rant, Luke!
LUKE: The whole city is a decaying heap. Its too many people crammed into too many buildings on too small a piece of land. Its an experiment thats failed. They should just give the whole island a push and float it over to Europe.
LORELAI: But after we see Spamalot! Right? I paid a lot for those tickets.
LUKE: Im fine with an urban environment. But you need land around your space. Air to breathe. [He takes a deep breath.] Im done again.
LORELAI: I love ranting Luke.
LUKE: Why does this song keep playing?
LORELAI: Because I put the CD player on repeat with my fancy remote in my fancy limo. Hey, do a limo rant. I bet thats a good one.
LUKE: No, thats right they sent you a limo. You deserve it.
LORELAI: And it enabled us to drink and not drive.
LUKE: Thats good too.
LORELAI: Hey, I heard there was good food at this party.
LUKE: I heard that too.
LORELAI: Huh. Never made it to the food, did we?
LUKE: I had three peppermints I took from the bowl in the mens room, gave the attendant a five, cause its all I had.
LORELAI: Made it to the bar, though.
LUKE: Yeah. We shouldve eaten something before we went.
LORELAI: Who knew wed keep missing the trays?
LUKE: But Im not hungry. But Im something, what am I?
LORELAI: Youre drunk.
LUKE [laughs]: Right. I havent been drunk in years.
LORELAI: Hey, have I thanked you enough for escorting me, and being such a good sport and shaking hands with all the big city folk you dont like, and putting extra cherries in my Manhattan?
LUKE: Yeah. You did.
LORELAI: Therell be more thanking. Later on tonight.
[They make out.]
LORELAI: Tastes like peppermint.
LUKES APARTMENT NEXT MORNING
[Lorelai wakes up with Lukes arm over her. She gets up, wrapped in a sheet, and looks around. She finds her dress on the floor near the open door. She looks alarmed.]
SOOKIES HOUSE OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks around the front of Rorys car.]
LORELAI: Hi, youre late.
RORY [getting out of the car]: Sorry. Oh, its only a little after noon. Im not that late.
LORELAI: Well, we have very limited time during Sookies nap, here. I just dont want to blow it. Hold on. [She notices the bags Rory is carrying.] You went to Dooses for baby shower decorations?
RORY: Well, I didnt know where else to go.
LORELAI: A decoration store.
RORY: Is there such a thing?
LORELAI: Yes. What did you get?
RORY: Um, poppers. Taylor had nine left.
LORELAI: Okay, well, theres ten of us, so someone doesnt get to pop.
RORY: Well, Ill pass on the pop. And theres plates, and cups, and
LORELAI [grabbing the cups]: Chicks being hatched? Thats Easter.
RORY: No, I know, but I figured hatching is birth, so were right on topic there. Seventy percent off, too.
LORELAI: What else?
RORY: Uh, New Years Eve balloons with Father Time and the New Years baby on them. Well blow them up and cheat the old man side to the wall so we cant see it, and then change the word year so it says happy new baby.
LORELAI: Oh, thats just sad.
RORY: Hey, whats with the attitude?
LORELAI: No attitude.
RORY: Youve been Anne Sexton since I pulled up.
LORELAI: Sorry. Think I just slept a little funny. All right. Come on, lets get up in there while we still have the chance.
[They begin to go into the house, but Sookie and Jackson burst through the door. Rory and Lorelai scream as they get pushed out of the way.]
JACKSON: Look out! Coming through!
SOOKIE: Its happening! Its happening!
LORELAI: Oh my God, its happening?
RORY: You mean its happening, happening?
SOOKIE: Its coming round the mountain.
RORY: Oh, I cant watch this!
JACKSON: Go get her suitcase! Its by the front door.
RORY: Ill grab her suitcase! [She runs into the house.]
SOOKIE: Oh, Im freaking out Rory!
LORELAI: Its okay. Shes a traditionalist. When she has a baby, shes going to be out in the waiting room, pacing and smoking.
RORY [returning with the suitcase]: We should have thrown her the baby shower earlier! Then I wouldnt have had to watch this.
SOOKIE [getting into the van]: Oh, you guys were going to throw me a baby shower?
LORELAI: We were going to set it up during your nap.
JACKSON: Want a boost?
SOOKIE: I can make it.
RORY [eyes closed tight]: Oh, God.
LORELAI: Watch it.
RORY: Sorry, I just really dont want to see whats coming round the mountain.
JACKSON [getting into the drivers seat]: See you guys at the hospital?
LORELAI: Yeah, youll see me.
RORY: Yeah, I have to go back to Yale.
LORELAI: Plus shes thoroughly sickened by whats happening to you right now.
RORY: Im not sickened, its finals time. Im stressed.
SOOKIE: Ooh! Contraction!
RORY: Oh, thats pretty sickening.
JACKSON: Hang on.
LORELAI: Sorry you didnt get your party.
SOOKIE: One little no-name to come.
JACKSON: Well see you there.
LORELAI: See you there.
[Jackson and Sookie drive away. Lorelai looks at Rory, who still has her eyes squeezed shut.]
LORELAI: You are going to open your eyes when you drive back to Yale, right?
RORY: Yes. Im just giving them a five minute head start. Were taking the same road.
LORELAI: Good thinking, honey. [She kisses her head.] Bye.
[Lorelai leaves. Rory opens one eye and peeks down the street.]
[Luke serves coffee. Kirk is reading the paper and laughing.]
KIRK: I know he wants the bone. I know theres going to be a complication getting the bone, but Marmaduke still cracks me up every time.
[Luke fills Kirks coffee cup.]
KIRK: Refills are still free, right?
LUKE: Yep. Theyre still free.
[The phone rings. Luke picks it up.]
TAYLOR: Luke, its Taylor.
LUKE: Oh, hey, Taylor, hows it going?
TAYLOR: Not so well. I mean, for you. Its going very well for me. I just had a group of German tourists come in and theyve been shoveling it in since they sat down.
LUKE: What do you mean, its not going well for me?
TAYLOR: Its the Twickham house. Someone has put in a competing offer.
LUKE: A competing Taylor! You promised that house to me!
TAYLOR: And I did all that I could! But this other offer includes a substantial down payment in cash! The powers that be are seriously considering selling the house to this fellow townsman of yours!
LUKE: Ill up my offer.
TAYLOR: This guyll just up his, then! Hes got vast resources!
LUKE: How many resources can he have? Hes living in Stars Hollow!
TAYLOR: Luke, hes willing to put down a quarter of a million dollars!
LUKE: What? That cant be right!
TAYLOR: Thats what it is.
LUKE: I know everyone in this stinking town. What fellow townsman has a quarter of a million dollars in cash?
TAYLOR: Im not sure Im at liberty to say.
LUKE: Tell me, Taylor.
[Camera shows Lukes shocked expression.]
LUKE: Say that name again? [Pause. Blank stare.] Ill talk to you later.
[He walks over to Kirks table.]
KIRK: Sally Forth is on fire today. On fire!
LUKE: Where did you get a quarter of a million dollars!
KIRK: What? I dont have a quarter of a million dollars.
LUKE: You dont?
KIRK: No. Just shy. Its $247, 868. Sixty-seven, if I get a couple of donuts to go. Those chocolate raised are calling my name.
LUKE: Where the hell did you get that much money?
KIRK: Ive been working for eleven years, Luke. Ive had fifteen thousand jobs. Ive saved every dollar Ive ever made. That and the miracle of compound interest has created a bounty of a quarter of a million dollars. Again, just under. I dont want to brag.
LUKE: You put a competing offer on the Twickham house.
KIRK: Thats right. Its the perfect place for me and Lulu.
LUKE: You know I have an offer on that house.
KIRK [shrugs]: Ive heard talk to that effect.
LUKE: Take it back. Take back the offer.
KIRK: No. You take yours back.
LUKE: I had a deal with Taylor before you even knew that house was available!
KIRK: You get it in writing?
LUKE: No! But
KIRK: Mm. An oral agreements only as good as the paper its written on. Hey, that would be a good line for Dennis the Menace after he fails to mow Mr. Wilsons lawn. I should send that in.
LUKE: This is not going to go down this way. You are not getting that house.
KIRK: Au contraire, my friend. I happen to know that your credits not exactly stellar.
LUKE: My credit?
KIRK: Granted, youve got some real estate holdings, but your cash flows been flat for three years, and unless youre willing to sell off assets, you may be able to swing no more than a five percent down payment, which makes you a real estate risk.
LUKE: How do you know the state of my assets?
KIRK: Thats the power of deep pockets, Luke. Put a solid buck in the right hands and they babble like parrots.
LUKE: Well, I am one of Stars Hollow Banks oldest customers. Im not anticipating any problems.
KIRK: Well, Im Stars Hollow Banks biggest customer. I think that means more.
LUKE: I dont believe this! Youre swimming in cash and you fought me over a ten cent raise on toast!
KIRK: And you folded like a road map. That might explain the discrepancy in our net worths. So, I think I will have those donuts to go. Youve got change for a hundred, right?
[Luke stares at him, then marches out, slamming the door.]
TAYLORS ICE CREAM SHOP
[Taylor is still serving the Germans.]
TAYLOR: Das ist gut, ya?
[Luke storms in.]
LUKE: I want to talk to the town elders!
TAYLOR: The town elders?
LUKE: You keep talking about the powers that be. Thats the town elders, right?
LUKE: Well, they oversee the town assets, the real estate, I want to see them.
TAYLOR: They wont go for that, Luke.
TAYLOR: It isnt how its done! They dont deal with the public. Theyre the final arbiters. What they say goes.
LUKE: Im seeing them.
LUKE: Arrange it.
[Luke glares, and then leaves.]
HOSPITAL MATERNITY WARD
[Jackson is walking alongside Sookie, who is being pushed in a wheelchair by a nurse. Lorelai follows behind. They arrive at Sookies room.]
JACKSON: Are you breathing, honey?
SOOKIE: Im breathing. Hey, was that Andy Dick out in the hallway?
JACKSON: No, honey. This happened last time. You go into labor, you start thinking you see famous people.
SOOKIE: Right. Suddenly my midwife was Wolf Blitzer.
LORELAI: Hey, you need me to unpack you?
NURSE: You probably dont have to. We have everything she needs all set up. [She leaves the room.]
JACKSON: You know, we guys always pack a suitcase. Useless. So, have you been thinking about names? Im leaning toward Ethan for a boy. Or Glenda if its a girl. Although I like Martha, too. And Rupert for a boy.
SOOKIE: Theyre all good, sweetie.
JACKSON: Hey, whatever we dont use, we just save for the next one, right?
SOOKIE: Right, right. The next one.
JACKSON [to Lorelai]: Hey, will you stay with her? Ive got to go call my most delivery guys and let them know whats happening.
LORELAI: Yep. Ill be here. [Jackson leaves.] Comfortable?
SOOKIE: I am, Penelope Cruz.
[They laugh. Lorelai pulls an apple out of her purse.]
SOOKIE: Youre eating an apple?
LORELAI: Oh, Im sorry. Ill put it away.
SOOKIE: No, eat! Im just surprised, its not your thing.
LORELAI: I know! But we were by a vending machine checking you in. It was there, and it looked good. [She takes a bite.]
SOOKIE: It does look good. Oh, it looks like Ben Stiller.
LORELAI: Hm. [She examines the apple.] Um, hey, Sookie, um, when did you know for sure?
SOOKIE: About what?
LORELAI: That you were pregnant. How could you tell?
SOOKIE: Dont you remember? Norman Mailer!
LORELAI: Mm. Right, right. Norman Mailer.
SOOKIE: I wonder how Norman is. I had a dream about him the other night, and he was yelling at someone to shut up and read Joyce.
LORELAI: How long was the Norman Mailer moment after you and Jackson, uh, conceived?
SOOKIE: Wow. Uh, well, I dont know, a few weeks?
LORELAI: It was weeks?
SOOKIE: I think.
LORELAI: And you didnt know before? Not a feeling, or anything?
SOOKIE: I dont know. Youve had one before, dont you remember?
LORELAI: Yeah. Its been a while.
SOOKIE: Why are you asking?
LORELAI: Oh, I dont know. Just being in a maternity ward makes me wonder about these things.
NURSE [arriving]: Im going to see how far along she is. Well be a couple of minutes.
LORELAI: Oh, sure. [She whispers to Sookie] She looks like Marlo Thomas.
SOOKIE: See? Its not just me.
LORELAI: Ill be outside.
[Lorelai walks out into the waiting area. She interrupts a doctor who is walking by.]
LORELAI: Oh, excuse me, uh, Doctor?
LORELAI: Hi. Youre not off to save a life, are you?
DOCTOR: Not at the moment.
LORELAI: Okay. Just, quick question. Um, pregnancy tests. Whats the deal with them now? I havent taken one in a couple of decades, and I was just wondering if they work any differently.
DOCTOR: No, theyre more accurate now, but the process is similar.
LORELAI: Okay, so lets say you do it. Have sex. You know. How soon after can a test tell you anything?
DOCTOR: At least two weeks.
LORELAI: Not two days?
DOCTOR: It wont be definitive after just two days.
LORELAI: Boy. Sword of Damocles is really hovering over you for a couple weeks, there, huh?
DOCTOR: Pretty much.
LORELAI: Home tests can be pretty tricky, too. Cant buy one where I live, because people would see, and talk its a small town. And even afterwards, the garbage man could see the box in the trash, and blab, and you know, I like my garbage man, but again, its a small town. Its not your problem. So, theres no machine?
LORELAI: Yeah, a machine you could stick me in. You know, putting pig vessels in people. Isnt there a machine that could tell me right away, away from the prying eyes of the garbage man?
DOCTOR: You really need to wait and take the test at the proper time.
LORELAI: Okay, see, Im eating an apple. Now, normally, this would not be a sign of anything except hunger. Except I dont eat much fruit. I know I should, but I dont have a hankering for it. Had it when I was pregnant with my first kid, though. Kept craving those apples. And this morning, boy, was I craving an apple.
DOCTOR: Well, that could be a sign.
LORELAI: It could?
DOCTOR: Or not.
LORELAI: Okay. Youre nice. Youre sweet. Ive taken up too much of your time. Thank you.
DOCTOR: No problem.
[The doctor leaves her. Her cell phone rings.]
[Scene cuts from Lorelai in the waiting room to Emily in her living room.]
EMILY: Lorelai, its your mother. I just have a quick question.
EMILY: Well, I got my ballerina.
LORELAI: Oh, which one? Sachenka?
EMILY: No, I waited too long, and Mitzi Hertford sure scooped her up. Its okay, because Sachenka tore a ligament last year and is probably washed up. I got Paola.
LORELAI: Oh, Paola.
EMILY: Blond hair, bullet body. So petite, but thighs that could break concrete.
LORELAI: Sounds good.
EMILY: They delivered her this morning and I have to tell you, its been so much fun! She speaks this charming broken English, and everything is so new and fresh to her.
LORELAI: Im glad. So whats up?
EMILY: Well, Paola wandered into your room looking for the bathroom, she really doesnt know left from right, and she found that old toy of yours, the magic eight ball.
LORELAI: I cant believe thats still there.
EMILY: And she is mesmerized by it. Shes been playing with it ever since, asking it questions. She wont put it down. And I was just wondering if I can let her keep it?
LORELAI: Oh, sure.
EMILY: Its practically glued to her hand.
LORELAI: Hmm. Whatever Paola wants, Paola gets.
EMILY: Good. Thank you!
PAOLA [from behind Emily]: It is yes! Yes! Im going to be rich!
EMILY: I just want to hug the stuffing out of her! Youll meet her tomorrow night at dinner.
LORELAI: Im looking forward to it.
EMILY: Bye, and thanks again!
LORELAI: Bye, Mom.
[She hangs up, and dials another number. Scene cuts to Rory in the dining hall at Yale.]
RORY: Hey, hows it going?
LORELAI: Oh, fine. Shes all checked in, breathing normally, contracting painfully. The cursing should start any time now, everythings as it should be.
RORY: Good. I mean, that was weird, wasnt it? She was like, what, a week and a half early?
LORELAI: Yeah, those little buggers tend to come when they want to come.
RORY: I still cant get coming round the mountain out of my mind. Its like one of those phrases, like drop it like its hot that I really wish Id never heard.
LORELAI: Hey, um. [She glances at the guy sitting to her right, and gets up.] Youre doing everything you need to do in that area, right?
RORY: What area?
LORELAI: Um, protection, to prevent something from coming round the mountain.
RORY: I hope so!
LORELAI: Hope? This is not an area where hope is good enough.
RORY: I think I have it covered, and that wasnt meant to be a euphemism.
LORELAI: Okay, think is not good enough either. What kind of birth control do you use?
RORY: Um. [She glances around her.] Im in the dining hall!
LORELAI: That was not my question.
RORY: People are, like, three feet away from me.
LORELAI: Listen, all Im saying is you cannot leave it up to the guy, okay? They are not reliable.
RORY: I dont leave it up to the guy!
LORELAI: They get into this state, you know? Primordial. Its all very exciting, but so is eating a gallon of pudding, and believe me, you are going to regret that later. I use that as an example because I know you like pudding.
LORELAI: You have got to figure, if he shoots, he scores. I mean, look around you. [She looks around.] There are babies popping out all over the place.
RORY: You are in a maternity ward! Youve got a skewed sample there.
LORELAI: So youre caught up on the subject?
RORY: Youve caught me up. Society has caught me up. The health channel on cable has caught me up. Miss Driscoll, the sad spinster gym teacher at Stars Hollow High has caught me up
LORELAI: Miss Driscoll. Right, like she would ever need birth control.
RORY: Im caught up. Honest.
LORELAI: Okay. Good.
RORY: Mom. Whats going on with you?
LORELAI [sighs]: I might be pregnant.
RORY: Oh. [Pause] So, thats where this is coming from.
LORELAI: I blame Mom. She never sat me down for the talk. And Miss Driscoll. She had her chance too, all those PTA meetings, and all she ever talked about was golf.
RORY: How did this happen? I mean, if its true?
LORELAI: Luke and I came home from the magazine party the other night. We were a little loopy and it got - primordial. All roadblocks down. I mean, I was always beyond careful. The last time I had my roadblocks down was, I dont know, count how old you are to the day and add nine months.
RORY: But, that doesnt mean
LORELAI: I just ate an apple.
RORY: Uh oh.
LORELAI: Yeah, and I liked it.
LORELAI: My body is telling me something.
RORY: Maybe its not telling you what you think it is. Maybe its just telling you to better comply with the governments recommendations for fruit and vegetable intake. Thats not just propaganda, you know.
RORY: Well, would it be so horrible? I mean, its Luke. [Pause.] It is Luke?
LORELAI: Yes, its Luke!
RORY: Well, you guys are so close, it could be headed somewhere.
LORELAI: I know, but not right now, hon. Its early for us. You know? I mean, my life is going really good, just the inn and this new potential opportunity, and, you know. I just got rid of you. Its the first time in my life Ive gotten to feel like a single, grownup woman. Now is just not the right time.
RORY: Okay. Well, maybe its not true.
LORELAI: Yeah. Maybe.
RORY: But what are you going to do if it is?
LORELAI: I could really use my magic eight ball about now. Im going to let you go, hon.
RORY: Keep me posted.
LORELAI: Okay. Bye.
[They hang up. Lorelai watches a pregnant woman get pushed by in a wheelchair.]
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE CONFERENCE ROOM
[Rory is setting out notepads and pencils around the empty table. Mitchum enters.]
MITCHUM: Im early?
RORY: A little.
MITCHUM: Its not ten after twelve?
RORY: Oh, your watch must be fast.
MITCHUM: My wife probably set it ahead to get me home earlier. Never works.
RORY: Its eleven forty-nine.
MITCHUM [re-sets his watch, looks around]: Charmless, isnt it?
RORY: The room?
MITCHUM: Needs plants.
RORY: I can get plants.
MITCHUM: Ever been to the Tribunals? Chicago?
MITCHUM: Cathedrals. Go if you ever get the chance.
RORY: I will.
[Her cell phone rings. She ignores it.]
MITCHUM: Going to get that?
RORY: Um, Im not done here.
MITCHUM: Youve got ten minutes. [He sits.] Im going to stay here, catch up on e-mails and make everyone really uncomfortable that I beat them here.
RORY: Sounds good. [She answers her phone and stands outside the door.] Hey you!
LORELAI: Its a girl.
RORY: A girl? Oh good, we need a girl!
LORELAI: Why do we need a girl?
RORY: I dont know. Arent there enough guys walking around out there?
LORELAI: Well, its a beautiful girl, name to come, and Sookies fine, Jacksons fine, everyones fine.
LORELAI: Fourteen hours of labor was the downside, but Sookie has the rest of her little girls life to get back at her for that.
RORY: I love the circle of life.
LORELAI: And theres more good news.
LORELAI: It was a false alarm. Im not pregnant. The crisis has passed.
RORY: Oh, Mom. Good. Im glad.
LORELAI: Youre glad? Huh. As the sight of babies isnt freaking me out anymore, I can enjoy the maternity ward again.
RORY: So what was with the apple?
LORELAI: I dont know. But I just had a Moonpie and a Ding-Dong and washed it down with an Orange Crush in the cafeteria, so no desire for anything nutritional.
RORY: Oh, thank God. Im glad, Mom.
LORELAI: Yeah. So, listen. How about we reschedule Sookies baby shower?
RORY: How? Its too late.
LORELAI: No. Well throw a Welcome to the Earth, Baby Girl Belleville party. Did you save the decorations?
RORY: Still in my car.
LORELAI: How about Saturday morning? Thats when she gets home. Just come back with me tonight after dinner, well set it up at her house.
RORY: Sounds good. Hey, um, did you ever mention this pregnancy scare to Luke?
LORELAI: My God, no. Can you imagine? Uh, Luke, youre going to be a daddy. Suddenly theres nothing left but a puff of smoke and a baseball cap spinning on the floor.
RORY: Yeah. He never seemed much like a family guy. This is for the best. Listen, um, Ive got to get back. We have a big staff meeting in a few minutes and I want to get back and make sure everythings set up and ready.
LORELAI: Ill see you tonight, my one and only offspring.
[They hang up. Lorelai watches another woman in a wheelchair being pushed along. She smiles and calls out to her husband.]
HOSPITAL SOOKIES ROOM
[Jackson picks up the baby and walks over to Sookie in the bed.]
JACKSON: Shes sound asleep.
SOOKIE: Im not so bright-eyed myself.
JACKSON: Hey, before you go to sleep, we should probably decide on a name.
SOOKIE: I know. Names are so hard.
JACKSON: But the good thing, whatever names we dont use now, we just use on the next one.
SOOKIE: Yeah. You know, we need to talk about that.
SOOKIE: I probably should have brought it up sooner, sorry.
JACKSON: No problem. What?
SOOKIE: Youre getting a vasectomy.
SOOKIE: Youre getting a vasectomy.
JACKSON [laughs]: You got me. You got me. Youre funny. Dark, but funny.
SOOKIE: Im not joking, sweetie. Were cutting that tube. If it is a tube. Im not really up on the procedure. The doctor doing it will be, though, so Im sure hell know.
JACKSON [stunned]: Youre not kidding.
SOOKIE: Im not kidding.
JACKSON: Sookie, come on!
SOOKIE: Jackson, we have one of each. Weve kept the species going.
JACKSON: But I wanted four!
SOOKIE: And I wanted three. This is a good compromise.
JACKSON: Im sorry. Two is not a compromise between three and four.
[A tall male nurse enters behind Jackson.]
SOOKIE: This is Reggie, hes going to take you down and have it done.
JACKSON: Im having it done today?
JACKSON [looks at Reggie]: They sent the big nurse.
SOOKIE: Just in case.
[Another nurse takes the baby away from Jackson.]
SOOKIE: Youll get her back afterwards. Now, its just a quick outpatient procedure! You go in, lie down, close your eyes, snip snip, and youre shooting blanks.
JACKSON: Is this all Im having done today, or do I need to get some glute
implants or something?
SOOKIE: Its everything, I promise. Kiss before you go. [They kiss.] Hey, I just thought of the perfect name. First name Martha, middle name Janice-Lori-Ethan-Rupert-Glenda-Carson-Daisy-Danny.
JACKSON [smiles]: You got them all in.
SOOKIE: Now go get cut.
[Jackson goes. The nurse brings Sookie the baby.]
ELDER GILMORES HOUSE FRONT DOOR
[The doorbell rings. Emily answers it. Lorelai is holding a bag.]
LORELAI: Hi, Mom.
EMILY: Lorelai, come in, come in. I want you to meet my special guest.
LORELAI: Im curious to meet her.
[Emily smirks and lets her in. A young man is standing in the foyer.]
LORELAI: Oh, boy. She sure looked different in her picture.
EMILY: This is Mikhail. Mikhail, my daughter Lorelai.
LORELAI [waves]: Hi.
LORELAI: What happened to Paola?
EMILY: Oh, that annoying little stick? She drove me crazy.
LORELAI: Hm. You loved her.
EMILY: There was something wrong with her. So flighty, so skinny. She made no noise when she walked, so you couldnt hear her coming. I felt like I was being stalked by an elf.
[The maid quietly walks up beside Lorelai and takes her coat.]
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: She had the mentality of a preschooler. If she was sitting when she laughed, she would clap her feet together. Smoked like a fiend, too.
EMILY: And she kept playing with that obnoxious magic eight ball of yours. Shed ask it the same question over and over until she got the answer she wanted. I told her thats not how it works. Youre supposed to accept the first answer it gives you and thats that, but no. She kept going. I wanted to stick the little twig in the garbage disposal. So I exchanged her for Mikhail.
LORELAI: Really? You can do that, just trade her in for another human being?
EMILY: I paid for her, Lorelai, and she wasnt what I wanted.
LORELAI: All right.
EMILY: Isnt he stunning?
LORELAI: Hes easy on the eyes, yes.
EMILY: You should see him stretch. Do you want Luminista to take your bag?
LORELAI: No, Im going to keep it with me. Theres something I want to show you.
EMILY: Oh, good. Shall we go in the living room? Hes learning English, so keep your words short. [Slowly] Living room!
MIKHAIL [gestures for them to lead the way into the room]: Yes, please.
EMILY: What a value.
STAMFORD EAGLE GAZETTE
[The staff meeting is going on. Mitchum has his feet up on the table and Rory is watching attentively from the corner.]
SAM: How interested are Stamford residents in a city forty miles away?
LUCILLE: Theyre interested.
SAM: That just takes resources away from covering local events.
LUCILLE: That are less interesting than events taking place in New York City.
SAM: If theyre that interesting, we should take a couple of our own calendar staffers. Freelancers are a pain in the butt.
LUCILLE: So, Franz Ferdinand comes to New York, forget freelancers, youll go cover it?
SAM: I didnt say that. Whos he?
[The other staff laugh at him.]
HARRY: Hes a band.
SAM: Watch it, Pisher.
MITCHUM: Even I knew that, Sam.
SAM: Mitchum, please. Arbitrate.
MITCHUM: And spoil the fun? No way.
SAM: Its your money.
LUCILLE: Money well spent.
LLOYD: Its not your money, Lucille.
MITCHUM: Look, keep the system as is. We dont even have office space for extra people, let alone the budget. Go to Universities. [He glances at Rory. She nods back.] Yale, wherever. Get volunteers to pick up what our staff cant cover. Those kids jump at the chance.
HARRY: Ill pick up some slack.
SAM: After you pick up my dry cleaning, right?
HARRY: Ill pick that up too.
MITCHUM: Good, Harry, dont let him push you around.
CHARLIE: Are we going to end this marathon before we get to subscriptions? Please say no.
SAM: Charlies feeling neglected again.
MITCHUM: Where are we with our sales department, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Abundant turnover. We have to start paying more.
LUCILLE: That got the boss where it hurts.
MITCHUM: Minimum wage plus twenty percent commission?
CHARLIE: And all the stale pastry they can eat.
MITCHUM: Up it to thirty.
LLOYD: Okay, now Im in pain.
MITCHUM: Crunch the numbers, Lloyd, and get them to me. You never go behind the back of Captain Crunch!
LLOYD [to Charlie]: We should get together Monday.
MITCHUM: Lets all resume this Monday. Go home! [They get up to leave.] Meet your kids, feed your dogs! Have a good one.
[The room empties.]
RORY: That was fun.
MITCHUM: Yeah. Yeah, thats the way those things should go. Give and take. The less I say, the better.
RORY: Can I get you anything?
MITCHUM: No, Im about to take off, here.
MITCHUM: So, Im going to be pulling back here soon.
RORY: From the paper?
MITCHUM: Ive done my damage. Its time for them to take it and make something of it.
RORY: Oh. Okay.
MITCHUM: Ill probably be in Monday, maybe Tuesday, then not so much, after that.
RORY: Well, Im happy to keep going. Even without you here.
MITCHUM: You know, you and I havent really sat down and talked about the situation, about how youre doing here, and all.
RORY: Well, youve been busy.
MITCHUM: Ive meant to. Offered you the job, took you under my wing. Its part of the deal.
RORY: Great! Id love your feedback.
MITCHUM: Go on and sit.
[They sit down, Rory with a notepad.]
MITCHUM: Ive worked with a lot of young people over the years. Interns, new hires. Ive got a pretty good gut sense for peoples strengths and weaknesses. Whether they have that certain something to make it in journalism. Its a tough business. Lot of stress.
RORY [smiling]: Definitely.
MITCHUM: And I have to tell you. You dont got it.
[Rory is stunned.]
MITCHUM: Now, guts can be wrong. Mines been wrong before. But not often.
RORY: I thought I was doing okay.
MITCHUM: I just dont really think that you have the drive to put yourself out there, to be honest. To get a story. To dig. I mean, just now in this meeting, I encouraged everyone to say whatever they wanted. You said nothing.
RORY: I wasnt sure if I should.
MITCHUM: Exactly. I mean, you saw Harry. He jumped right into the fire. You didnt.
RORY: But Harrys not an intern!
MITCHUM: Doesnt matter.
RORY [near tears]: Ive always done whats asked of me.
MITCHUM: See, the thing is, in the real world, its not always good enough to do just whats asked of you.
RORY: But I thought I was in a really good rhythm with everyone here.
MITCHUM: Im not saying youre not competent. Youre smart. Youre terrific at anticipating needs. Actually, youd make a great assistant.
MITCHUM: Im sorry. Its not my pleasure to disappoint someone like you. Especially you. What with the extenuating circumstances. But its healthy. I dont know any other way. I dont B.S.
RORY: I should get back.
[She gets up and heads for the door. Mitchum stands up.]
MITCHUM: Hey, listen. I know this is rough, but, uh, I may have just done you a big favor.
RORY: Oh. Okay. Thanks.
[She walks out and back to her workstation. She looks extremely troubled.]
[Kirk and Luke are standing before the town elders. Kirk is in a towel. Luke is fully dressed.]
KIRK: He had no contract. He had nothing in writing. Granted, his offer matched the fair market value of the property but it was a rigged bid situation. The house wasnt even officially listed for sale.
TAYLOR: It wasnt a rigged bid, Kirk!
ELDER #1: Thats for the courts to decide.
ELDER #2: Get to the point, Kirk.
KIRK: The house should be re-listed. You should take the best offer from the person with the best chance of securing financing. That person is me.
ELDER #2: All right. Luke, what do you have to say to that?
LUKE: What the hell are we doing in a steam room?
TAYLOR: Luke, I explained to you that if you wanted to see the town elders you had to do it on their terms.
LUKE: This is ridiculous. I cant think in here.
ELDER #1: You should strip and get in a towel!
LUKE: Im not getting in a towel.
KIRK: I think hes got body issues.
LUKE: I dont have body issues. I just dont agree with whats going on. How its going on.
KIRK: Town elders, I dont think its appropriate for the defendant to address you in this tone, is it?
LUKE: Im not the defending, Kirk. This isnt a court. Its not even a room. Its a box full of hot air.
KIRK: Now hes insulting you.
LUKE: Listen. Old guys. I should get the house.
ELDER #2: Watch your manners, young man!
LUKE: I can get a loan
KIRK: But I have deep pockets! Not now, I mean, right now Im naked, but my pants have pockets.
LUKE: Who are you guys, anyway? What gives you the authority to make town decisions?
TAYLOR: Luke, this isnt helping.
KIRK: Hes a hothead with body issues and shallow pockets.
LUKE: This isnt right. Taylor and I had an agreement.
KIRK: He needs therapy and probably pills.
[The elder in the back corner, who has kept his face hidden, speaks up.]
SUPREME ELDER: Luke should get the house.
SUPREME ELDER: Its the right thing to do. Kirk may have a better claim technically, but Luke wants it more.
SUPREME ELDER: I knew Lukes father. His grandfather. We all did. Hell care for the house because he cares so much about it. He wants it for him and Lorelai.
LUKE: For me and - [He points accusingly at Taylor] Did you
SUPREME ELDER: We all watched Luke pine for Lorelai for nine long years. He waited for her while she went through her many relationships. He won her. Now he wants this for her. And for the others.
LUKE: Others? What others?
SUPREME ELDER: Youll bring children into the house.
KIRK: Ill bring children into the house, too! Maybe not my own.
SUPREME ELDER: Its right for Luke to have it. Kirk is young. Therell be other places for him to go. Thats what I think.
ELDER #2: Well I agree.
ELDER #1: Me too. Luke should get the house.
LUKE: Thank you. Thank you, sir.
KIRK: Hey, Luke, its a big yard youll have there. A lot of lawn. I was wondering if we could talk about my rendering garden services? I have tools.
[Luke walks out of the steam room, followed by Kirk.]
ELDER GILMORE HOUSE
[Lorelai, Emily and Mikhail are in the living room.]
EMILY: And where is your town, Sarrusta?
MIKHAIL: Just outside Moscow.
EMILY: It sounds wonderful.
MIKHAIL: Our people die very young there.
EMILY: Oh. Well, that doesnt sound so good. [To Lorelai] Whats in the bag?
EMILY: Youve been clutching that bag all night. Whats in it?
MIKHAIL: Shes got mystery bag.
EMILY: A mystery bag! Yes! Whats in the mystery bag?
LORELAI: Oh. Well, um, this is my cover story.
EMILY: Your cover story? I thought it wasnt coming out for two weeks. Let me see that.
[She reaches out for it.]
[She smiles nervously and pulls a magazine out of the bag. She passes it across to Emily.]
EMILY: Lorelai owns an inn, uh, what would you call it, maybe a dacha?
MIKHAIL: Dacha? Yes.
EMILY: This is it. [She shows him the photo on the cover.]
MIKHAIL: Ah, fantastic!
LORELAI: Thank you.
MIKHAIL: Great dacha, this dacha!
EMILY: Are there other pictures with the article?
LORELAI: Uh-huh. Go ahead and read it. We have time before dinner, right?
EMILY: We cant start dinner till Rory gets here. [To Mikhail] Youre going to love my granddaughter. Youll just want to pick her up and throw her in the air. Give one to Mikhail, its how hes learning English.
LORELAI: Got plenty to go around.
[She passes him a magazine. Emily flips hers open.]
EMILY: Oh, gorgeous!
EMILY [smiles up at Lorelai]: Its a rave.
LORELAI: We got lucky.
[Lorelai watches Emily read. Emilys expression gets more serious. Lorelai jumps up.]
LORELAI: Ill be right back.
[Mikhail stands politely.]
EMILY: Where are you going?
LORELAI: Uh, Ill just, Ill be right back. Sit, Mikhail. I mean, I didnt mean that as a command. But please, have a seat. Ill just, Im going to
[She leaves the room. Emily and Mikhail keep reading.]
[Lorelai enters and closes the door behind her. We hear Emilys reaction to the article.]
EMILY [OS]: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Lorelai!
[Her brisk footsteps approach the door. Lorelai locks it.]
EMILY [OS]: Lorelai! Are you in there?
[Emily jiggles the door.]
EMILY [OS]: Come out of there.
EMILY [OS]: This is pathetic!
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY [OS]: The things you say in this!
LORELAI: I, I know.
EMILY [OS]: Calling me Pol Pot!
LORELAI: Mom, it was meant as a joke! The Pol Pot, the walking anthrax. I was just being edgy, like Chris Rock!
EMILY [OS]: Walking anthrax!
LORELAI: You havent gotten to that part yet?
EMILY [OS]: No!
LORELAI: Well, something to look forward to!
EMILY [OS]: Im not going to continue talking about this through the door.
LORELAI: Look, Mom, I was mad at you when I did the interview, okay? And I said things, but I didnt mean them, it just happened! And Im not used to talking to reporters. I didnt know about the whole off the record, on the record thing. But I know now. And Im really sorry it happened.
EMILY [OS]: I did not force Jimmy Carter out of his room at that hotel.
LORELAI: See, now that I thought was just an amusing anecdote.
EMILY [OS]: I did not get into a, quote, bitch-fight with him. Hes an ex-president! It was with that insufferable Rosalyn.
LORELAI: Again, Mom, I am really, really sorry, and unless you forgive me, I, I am going to camp out in here possibly forever. Mom, Im just dont tell your friends about the article, so they wont read it, and the ones who do, just tell them I was misquoted and I would recommend that you stop reading the article right now, and just look at the pictures. The pictures are really pretty. [Pause, Lorelai waits for a response.] If you are applying explosives to the door, please tell me, so I can step away.
EMILY [OS]: Ill stop reading.
LORELAI: And we wont talk about it again, ever?
EMILY [OS]: Fine. Come out.
[Lorelai cautiously opens the door.]
EMILY: Lets go back to the living room.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom.
[Mikhail puts his jacket on and walks angrily toward the front door.]
MIKHAIL: Goodbye, Mrs. Gilmore.
EMILY: Mikhail, where are you going?
MIKHAIL: I must leave!
EMILY: Leave? Why? Mikhail!
[She runs after him.]
[Night. Rory walks down the dock. We can hear laughter from the party on the yacht. She sees Logan talking to a girl at the edge of the boat. He is happy to see Rory.]
LOGAN: Hey! Youre here early!
RORY: I guess.
LOGAN: Way early. Did you skip your dinner?
RORY: Come down here, so I dont have to yell.
[Logan comes down.]
LOGAN: So there she is.
LOGAN: The boat. Calling them she is one of the most fun nautical traditions.
RORY: Right. Something sexist in that, Im sure.
LOGAN: Im sure. [He kisses her.] So howd you get away?
RORY: I dont know, I just got away.
LOGAN: Im glad.
RORY: So, who is she?
RORY: The girl on the boat.
LOGAN: Okay, Im sorry, we were just calling the boat a she. Im a little bit behind but Im catching up. Shes a friend of my sisters.
RORY: Well, I didnt mean to interrupt anything.
LOGAN: You werent interrupting anything.
RORY: Looked like I was.
LOGAN: Ive known her forever.
RORY: Well, I didnt mean to pull you away.
LOGAN: We were just talking. Me, her, and her husband. If you want, I can have them pull out pictures of their two-year-old. Ben has them in his jacket pocket.
RORY: Do you even want me here?
LOGAN: Ace, I invited you here.
RORY: Right. On Friday night, when you knew I couldnt come.
LOGAN: Its my sisters party. I didnt pick the night.
RORY: Traffic sucked getting here.
LOGAN: Sorry, but I cant do anything about the traffic either. Can we just, um
[He points down the dock, where they can talk without anyone overhearing. They go there.]
LOGAN: What the hell is wrong with you?
RORY: Nothing. Im just in a weird mood.
LOGAN: Ill say.
RORY: Im sorry, I just can we go somewhere else?
RORY: Lets go somewhere else. I dont really feel like being around people.
LOGAN: Okay, name it.
RORY: Will your sister mind?
LOGAN: Ive been here for an hour and a half, Ive talked to everybody. My duty is done. Where do you want to go?
RORY: I dont know. Somewhere. Far. Out there.
RORY: Out to sea.
LOGAN: Out to sea.
RORY: Yeah. Lets take that fancy-pants yacht of yours for a spin.
LOGAN: Tricky, since its about to head out with all of my sisters friends on it.
RORY: Oh. Well, dont you have another one?
LOGAN: Not here.
RORY: Well, wheres the other one?
LOGAN: Far away. Lets just drive somewhere. Lets go to New York.
RORY: I dont want to drive. I want to be out there, just the two of us. Alone.
RORY: You know the beginning of Moby Dick, when the narrator says that when he finds himself growing grim about the mouth and wanted to knock peoples hats off, he takes to the sea?
RORY: Well I feel like knocking peoples hats off.
LOGAN: So I guess we got to take to the sea.
RORY [nodding, looks around]: That one looks good.
RORY: Nice and seaworthy.
LOGAN: Not ours to take.
RORY [shrugs]: That ever stopped you before?
LOGAN [smiles]: I think Ive been a bad influence on you, Ace.
RORY: Lets go, Huntzberger.
LOGAN: Lets go.
[Rory grabs his hand as they run down the dock.]
ELDER GILMORES LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai explains to Mikhail, who is sitting, arms folded across his chest, glaring at her.]
LORELAI: See, I was mad at Mom Mrs. Gilmore, here, at the time, and I ended up saying things I shouldnt have said, because, you see, normally, I dont make jokes about Joseph Stalin. Theyre inappropriate. I just said it, and just to this writer, and she printed it. I mean, shes not Joseph Stalin. And, not that theres any excuse, but there is no way I could have known that a Russian man whose entire family and their village was killed by Stalin would be reading this in front of me, I mean, theres just no way.
EMILY: She has this off-putting sense of humor, Mikhail. Youd know that if you spent time with her.
LORELAI: Yes, you would. You would know that.
LORELAI: I mean, Joseph Stalin was a monster. So, please, stay. You just caught us on a bad day.
MIKHAIL: All right.
[Lorelais cell phone rings.]
LORELAI: Um, this must be Rory. [She pulls the phone out of her bag.] Excuse me. [She gets up.] Hello?
LORELAI: Hey, um, when are you getting here? I really, really want you here.
RORY: You need to come and get me.
LORELAI: Where are you?
5X21 - BLAME BOOZE AND MELVILLE
Original Airdate: 05/10/05
Written by Daniel Palladino
Directed by Jamie Babbit
Transcribed by KRISTINA SMITH for TWIZ TV.COM
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