written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy
OPEN AT LORELAIS HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are both reading in the living room. Lorelai glances out the window]
LORELAI: Hurry up! Where are your shoes?
RORY: Ill get em later.
LORELAI: No, get em now.
LORELAI: Why? Because if your Harvard acceptance letter is in that batch of mail and you do not have shoes on, we cant run off immediately and celebrate. All of our happiness will be on hold until you come back inside and put on your shoes. Is that what you want to put a hold on happiness?
RORY: Whats the difference if we wait then or we wait now?
LORELAI: Because we are not happy now.
RORY: Right, okay. [runs to her bedroom]
LORELAI: No laces, just get em on your feet.
RORY: [runs back with shoes on] Lets go!
[they run outside to the mailbox. Kirk is going through his mailbag]
KIRK: Good morning, ladies.
LORELAI: Is there an envelope in there?
RORY: A big envelope, not a little envelope.
LORELAI: Yeah, a big envelope means shes in, a little envelope means she needs to marry rich.
KIRK: Just one second, please.
RORY: Arent you supposed to go through the mail before you get here?
KIRK: Some work that way. Personally, I think it takes the spontaneity out of the job.
LORELAI: Need some help?
KIRK: Sorry, federal law prohibits it.
RORY: Any chance you could go faster?
LORELAI: Yeah, you got a girls future in that sack of yours, Santa.
RORY: Thank you for adding the Santa.
LORELAI: Any time.
KIRK: You know what Ive noticed?
LORELAI: It wouldnt be any mail in there with our names on it, would it?
KIRK: Ive noticed people dont slow down anymore.
RORY: Guess Ive got time to tie my shoes.
LORELAI: Yes, well, cobble yourself a new pair Daniel Day Lewis.
KIRK: No one stops to smell a nice flower or look at a puppy.
LORELAI: Youre absolutely right.
[Kirk pulls a large envelope out of his mailbag]
KIRK: No one stops to ask how youre doing. . .is your family well, did you see that game last night?
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, people suck. Is that ours?
KIRK: What? Oh. [checks envelope] Mrs. Rita Flora. Nope.
LORELAI: It could still be in there.
KIRK: Rita Flora didnt she die?
LORELAI: While you were delivering her mail?
KIRK: She did die. She died last week.
KIRK: Theyre supposed to put your mail on hold when you die.
LORELAI: Okay, lets go back inside.
RORY: What about the envelope?
LORELAI: Well check back on our way to Lukes. . .for dinner.
KIRK: [pulls out another envelope] Hey, one for Kirk.
CUT TO LUKES DINER
[Lorelai, Rory and Lane are sitting at a table. Lane is tapping her drumsticks on a jar]
LANE: Its getting frustrating. I mean, theres so many great songs that have been written post-Cobain, but try and convince Zach of that. I mean, hes impossible, stubborn, and just a tad intellectually challenged, in case you havent noticed.
LORELAI: Lane, honey?
LORELAI: Just, could you, with the sticks there, I cant. . .
LANE: Oh, sorry. Nervous habit.
RORY: Moms a little crabby this morning.
LORELAI: Im not crabby, Im very, very ill.
RORY: With allergies.
LORELAI: Deadly allergies.
RORY: Sorry, didnt mean to minimize your condition. Should we make funeral arrangements now?
LORELAI: Yes. [pulls some medicine out of her purse] But make sure you can get your money back in case this stuff works.
RORY: Where did you get those?
LORELAI: Found em in your room.
RORY: These expired in 98.
LORELAI: So, what, I should take four?
RORY: Yes, thats exactly my point.
[Luke walks over and sets some menus on the table]
RORY: New menus.
LANE: Very fancy.
LORELAI: Whyd you get new menus?
LUKE: It was time.
LORELAI: But I had made little doodles with my name hidden in them on each one of the old ones just like Hirschfeld.
LORELAI: It took me years to hit every menu. And these have super heavy plastic over them. How am I gonna doodle?
LUKE: Has it ever occurred to you that the super heavy plastic is there to discourage the doodling?
RORY: Hey, this looks different.
LUKE: Its not different.
LANE: Its totally different.
LUKE: Its not that different.
LORELAI: There are more salads.
RORY: Three more salads.
LORELAI: Three more salads who needs three more salads?
RORY: One was enough.
LUKE: Well, Nicole said
LORELAI: Nicole said.
LUKE: There wasnt really that much for her to eat on the menu, so I just. . .
LORELAI: Oh, you added three more salads just for Nicole. When I asked you to add chili-topped Pringles, you said no.
LUKE: And I stand by that.
LORELAI: How come Nicole gets three salads and I still get a no?
RORY: Because Nicole is his girlfriend.
LUKE: Nicole is not my girlfriend, Nicole is the woman that I am dating, thats it.
LORELAI: So what happens when you guys get serious, the whole place goes soy?
LUKE: Just order, please.
LANE: Did you take off the Monte Cristo sandwich?
LUKE: Well, I
LORELAI: You did, you took off the Monte Cristo sandwich.
LUKE: I omitted a few obsolete dishes.
LORELAI: I cant believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo. Shes got you menu-whipped.
LUKE: She does not have me menu-whipped. I took off a disgusting ridiculous sandwich that no one has ever ordered, including the three of you.
RORY: But just having it there made us feel like we always could.
LORELAI: It was comforting.
RORY: Like soup.
LORELAI: Exactly. It was comforting like deep-fried ham and cheese soup.
RORY: And even though I never ordered it, I talked about ordering it, havent I?
LANE: On several occasions.
LORELAI: So youve not only eliminated a sandwich, youve eliminated a conversation piece.
RORY: Now what will we talk about?
[Luke walks to the counter and returns with some old menus]
LUKE: Here. Old menus, everythings there. Knock yourselves out.
LORELAI: How come everybody else gets a new menu? [Luke walks away] I feel much better now.
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
[A teacher is passing back papers]
TEACHER: Well, I must say Im glad to see that simply because the SATs are over, most of you are still taking your classwork seriously. Most of you.
LOUISE: Michael Mason. Worth every wrong answer.
TEACHER: All right, before we continue, I would like to remind you that the Chilton Bicentennial celebration takes place next week.
LOUISE: Number four. [shows off her hickey]
MADELINE: Well done.
TEACHER: The official sign up sheet for the speech contest has gone up in the back of the room. The contest will be held on Friday, and the winner will present their speech at the ceremony next week. Now, some of you may be saying to yourself, Hey, I already turned in my college application. Why should I spend all this time entering a speech competition, which if I win means I have to give up a Friday night, when I cant even use it for my resume? Whats in it for me?
MADELINE: Wow, that was spooky.
TEACHER: Yes, the speech will not go on your record. However, the bicentennial is going to be quite a prestigious affair. Past alumni and faculty will be there, some of these people are now professors at the same schools youre planning an attending. Plus, C-SPAN will be broadcasting the event live. All in all, its shaping up to be a very exciting event. Think about it. [bell rings] Oh, I almost forgot to welcome back Brad Langford. He returns to us fresh from Broadway where hes just completed a successful run of Into the Woods. Welcome back, Brad.
BRAD: Thank you. Its good to be back.
PARIS: Sit down, Mary Martin.
TEACHER: All right everyone, have a lovely rest of the day. I will see you tomorrow.
[the students start to leave. Brad walks up to Rory]
BRAD: Rory, hi.
RORY: Hey Brad, good to have you back. How was Broadway?
BRAD: It was great, but Nathan Lane is a very bitter man.
RORY: Ive heard that.
BRAD: You know, I tell you, even more than the actual experience of performing live, the confidence it gives you in every aspect of your life, thats the most amazing thing.
RORY: Well, you do look rather confident.
BRAD: Hey, its the new me.
[Madeline and Louise walk over]
LOUISE: So, Brad. . .Broadway, I must know.
LOUISE: Did you get to keep your makeup?
MADELINE: What about your costumes, cause that seems great.
LOUISE: Ooh, unless youre doing Les Mis.
MADELINE: Or Cats.
LOUISE: Furry spandex with a tail and jazz shoes?
MADELINE: Hurrah. So, do you?
BRAD: Do I?
MADELINE: Get to keep the makeup?
BRAD: I didnt ask.
LOUISE: You didnt ask?
MADELINE: How do you leave the house every morning and not have a piano fall on your head?
BRAD: Well, I make a left on Federal and then
RORY: Brad, that really didnt require an answer.
[Paris walks over]
PARIS: Youre blocking the list.
RORY: Whats that? Will we please move so you may sign up for the speech contest? Why, yes, Paris, wed be happy to. How kind of you to phrase it in that very respectful manner.
PARIS: Are you going to move, or do you need a five, six, seven, eight?
BRAD: Paris, this time on stage has been a very growing experience for me. Im no longer intimidated by you or people like you.
PARIS: Im thrilled to hear it, Chita Rivera. Move. Well, Gilmore, I certainly hope youre signing up, too. Itll be my last chance to trounce you with anything at this school.
RORY: My decision to do this will in no way depend on you, Paris.
PARIS: Im only saying it wont be a totally satisfying victory just beating Jerome Robbins and the rest of the losers here. Id really like to take you down also.
BRAD: Boy, she is really up on her theater references.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Sookie, surrounded by her kitchen staff, has several plates of food on the counter in front of her]
SOOKIE: This is outrageous. I am beyond offended. Did you tell them Im beyond offended? Sending my food back? Thats it, get their names, theyre never eating here again.
SOOKIE: Wait, what wine was he drinking?
WAITER: 1952 Chateau Petrus Bordeaux.
SOOKIE: Hm. Okay, never mind.
[Lorelai walks in]
LORELAI: Hey, is everything okay?
SOOKIE: No, we have got to have a better screening system for customers here.
LORELAI: Yes, we do, since we currently have no screening system for customers here.
SOOKIE: They sent it back. My food. My four star, you havent lived til youve eaten there, says Ruth Reichl, food.
LORELAI: What did they say was wrong?
SOOKIE: You name it. Too salty, too hot, too sewer-y.
LORELAI: Honey, calm down. Some people are just stupid.
SOOKIE: Yes, they are stupid, and stupid people have stupid friends, and they all have to come here and be stupid together.
LORELAI: Okay, now, dont be mad at me, but I have to ask this are you sure theres nothing wrong with the food?
SOOKIE: Of course theres nothing wrong with the food. You dont think that I would know if something was wrong with my food? You dont think that I tasted every last dish that was sent back. I tasted it, Manuel tasted it, Rico tasted it, Louella tasted it. We all tasted it and it tastes fine.
LORELAI: Okay. Do you mind?
SOOKIE: You dont believe me?
LORELAI: I believe you completely, but its easier for me to take on those who doubt you if I actually tasted it myself.
SOOKIE: Fine, go ahead.
[Lorelai tries the food]
LORELAI: Okay, now I get the sewer-y reference.
SOOKIE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Come here. [to waiter] Just, uh, send them out some free desserts.
SOOKIE: Free desserts? Youre giving the stupid people free desserts.
LORELAI: Sookie, I love you.
SOOKIE: I love you, too.
LORELAI: Okay, and I love your food, you know that.
LORELAI: But I have to tell you that that bite I just had over there is one of the worst things Ive ever tasted, and Ive tasted some very bad things.
LORELAI: Are you sure you didnt just accidentally drop something in the food tonight, like, I dont know, uh, strychnine or manure?
SOOKIE: No, I tested each dish every step of the way. I mean, the base, the stock, the sauce, the seasonings.
LORELAI: Are you sick? Cause sometimes the flu or a cold or even allergies can throw your tastebuds off.
SOOKIE: No, Im not sick. I mean, I had a little bug last week, but nothing today.
LORELAI: Well, I think you should think about getting a checkup. Maybe it was more than a little bug.
SOOKIE: The food was really bad?
LORELAI: Oh, honey, it was just. . .well, yeah, it was really that bad.
SOOKIE: I dont understand it.
LORELAI: Ah, Im sure it was nothing. Just have Manuel help you with the tasting for the rest of the night, okay?
[Rory walks into the kitchen]
RORY: Paris is going to drive me completely insane. Ooh, that looks good.
ENTIRE KITCHEN STAFF: No!
LORELAI: Be happy youre loved, hon. I got a Kit Kat in my purse.
[Lorelai and Rory walk into the lobby]
RORY: Whats up?
LORELAI: I dont know. Its weird, Sookie must be sick or something.
RORY: Sookie never gets sick.
LORELAI: Shell be fine. So, tell me, what did Paris do now?
RORY: Its nothing, its just Paris. Theres this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasnt even going to enter it, but I dont know with the whole its my last chance to crush you before graduation comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying I win, I win, I win!
LORELAI: Wow, youre getting more and more like me everyday.
RORY: But I know, it was petty and stupid and I should probably just ignore her.
LORELAI: Yes, that is what you should do.
RORY: Okay, that is what I will do.
LORELAI: How come you werent gonna enter the contest?
RORY: I dont know.
LORELAI: You love doing school things.
RORY: I dont love doing school things when it involves the entire school staring at me while Im doing em.
LORELAI: You had to give your vice presidential acceptance speech in front of the entire school.
RORY: Yeah, but I had to do that.
LORELAI: Oh, so youre just gonna go through life only doing what you have to do.
RORY: Well, no.
LORELAI: Because a person who wants to be a foreign correspondent for a living should probably embrace the opportunity to practice her speechin skills in front of a crowd.
RORY: You had the motherly edge going there until you threw in the speechin skills comment.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, you know what I mean.
RORY: I know what you mean. Okay, Ill go out for the speech.
RORY: And if I get to do the I win, I win, I win dance, then so much the better.
LORELAI: For everyone involved.
LORELAI: Oh my God. Oh my God.
[Lorelai walks across the lobby. Sookie is walking toward her]
LORELAI: Youre pregnant!
SOOKIE: Im pregnant!
[they scream and jump up and down]
SOOKIE: Oh my God, Im pregnant!
RORY: Youre pregnant?
SOOKIE: Im pregnant!
LORELAI: Thats why!
SOOKIE: Im pregnant!
RORY: Thats great!
[they all scream and hug]
CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY
[Students are outside a classroom awaiting their turns in the speech contest. Paris walks up to a girl and looks at her speech]
PARIS: That just looks like more than four thousand words, but Im sure you counted them.
GIRL: I did.
PARIS: Good. [to another girl] Hey Shelly, good luck. Although Im sure youre going to be great. After all, theres hardly anything on stage for you to trip over this time, right? [sits down next to Brad; sings] Ive got my beans at Grandmas house, my magic beans at Grandmas house.
BRAD: Stop it.
PARIS: [sings] Ill take my beans, my magic beans, whos got the beans, we need some beans, I love the beans.
BRAD: You cant rattle me.
PARIS: [sings] Into the woods at Grandmas house.
BRAD: Look, Im proud of my part, okay? The New York Times called me winningly naïve.
PARIS: [sings] Into the woods, into the woods, into the woods.
RORY: Stop it right now.
PARIS: I know, that is one annoying song.
RORY: Leave Brad alone, and stop terrorizing everyone in this hallway.
PARIS: Terrorizing? What are you talking about, terrorizing? Im simply talking to my fellow classmates.
RORY: Youre trying to scare them into doing badly so youll win easier.
PARIS: I am not.
RORY: Oh really? And that magical bean recital back there?
PARIS: Hey, I was trying to give the kid some human contact. Hes been talking to nothing but a cow for a year and a half.
BRAD: There was a person inside that cow, Ive told you that!
TEACHER: [walks out of classroom] Brad Langford.
BRAD: Im winningly naïve.
PARIS: Brad, you got your beans?
RORY: Stop. Go Brad, youll do great.
[Brad walks into the classroom]
RORY: Its amazing how you manage to hide those bolts on the side of your neck. What is that, just really good cover up?
PARIS: Rory, lower your voice. People are trying to concentrate.
PARIS: Wow what?
RORY: Your speech must really suck.
PARIS: Excuse me?
RORY: I mean, if youre going to all this trouble to psych out everyone else, then you must know you have a loser there.
PARIS: Mind games. Not your forte, cupcake. Stick to talking to losers off the train tracks, will you?
RORY: Youre horrible.
PARIS: And Im going to win. [a girl sits next to her] Cherry, hi. Man those braces are shiny.
CUT TO LORELAIS FRONT YARD
[Lorelai walks out of the house toward the Jeep; her cell phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers phone] Hello
SOOKIE: Its me.
LORELAI: Every detail, leave nothing out.
SOOKIE: Well, I told him.
LORELAI: Did he flip? Did he cry? Did he scream?
LORELAI: No? Did he hear you?
SOOKIE: Yeah, he heard me.
LORELAI: I dont understand, what happened?
SOOKIE: Well, I came home and I got some flowers and I chilled some glasses and I put some music on and I opened a bottle of champagne, and the cork broke the window so I had to clean up the glass, and then I taped some cardboard over the hole, and then I knocked over the bottle of champagne, so I had to get out the mop.
LORELAI: My fingers hitting the fast forward button, hon.
SOOKIE: So, he came home and I handed him a beer, and I smiled and I kissed him and I told him he was gonna be a daddy.
LORELAI: And then he did what?
SOOKIE: Then he got out the calculator.
SOOKIE: Hes been crunching numbers for two hours.
LORELAI: He didnt say anything?
LORELAI: Mr. I-want-four-in-four hears he can check off number one and he says nothing?
SOOKIE: Okay, not nothing.
LORELAI: Thank you.
SOOKIE: Every fifteen minutes, he says, Oh, boy.
LORELAI: Oh, boy like Oh, boy!?
SOOKIE: No, Oh, boy like Oh, boy.
JACKSON: [in background] Oh, boy.
SOOKIE: Did you hear that?
LORELAI: Well, maybe hes in shock.
JACKSON: Oh, boy.
JACKSON: Oh, boy.
LORELAI: Honey, Id go in there and take that calculator away from him if I were you.
SOOKIE: This wasnt how it was supposed to go.
LORELAI: I know, sweetie, but give it time. Its a big thing.
SOOKIE: He said he wanted this.
LORELAI: He loves you, he wants this.
JACKSON: Oh, boy.
SOOKIE: Uh huh.
LORELAI: Hang in there, Ill call you later.
SOOKIE: Ill be here.
JACKSON: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
CUT TO DOOSES MARKET
[Several people are standing around Kirk, who has the mail spread out in a pile on the floor.]
DEAN: Its right there!
KIRK: Just a second.
DEAN: I see it. Can I just
KIRK: Yeah, I can do it.
DEAN: Kirk, its right there!
KIRK: You are yelling at me, and I have to tell you that that is not the way to get results.
DEAN: You keep passing it.
KIRK: You are making me crazy.
[Lorelai walks up to them]
LORELAI: Dean, I just need. . .oh, hey, thats my water bill.
DEAN: Hes been down there for twenty minutes.
LORELAI: Kirk, you have to sort the mail first.
KIRK: Everybody is always telling me what to do. Everybody else is always right. Well, Im sorry, but I am the mail carrier in this town and I will carry the mail the way that I carry the mail, and if you dont like that, then you can carry the mail. But youll have to apply for the job first and get hired. And theres a test, and it is a hard test, my friend. Ow, paper cut.
LORELAI: Dean, I need some of that non-drowsy allergy medicine stuff.
DEAN: Did you check in the back with the aspirin?
LORELAI: Yeah, nothing.
DEAN: Then were probably out. I could tell you when theyre expected in, but I havent gotten the mail yet.
KIRK: Shut up.
LORELAI: Okay, nevermind, Ill just grab some when I get to Hartford. See if you can get my water bill for me.
DEAN: All right, Ill do my best. [to Kirk] Im giving you five minutes to get up, then Im getting the mop.
KIRK: You will not touch this. This is the property of the United States Government.
CUT TO HARTFORD DRUGSTORE
[Lorelai walks to the allergy medicine aisle and looks at the selection]
LORELAI: Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, show me a difference, people. Why cant I pick one? Ooh, on sale, thats it, good, done.
[Lorelai picks a medicine, then walks to the end of the aisle, where she sees Max]
MAX: Hi back.
LORELAI: I didnt know you had a cold.
MAX: I just recently found out myself.
LORELAI: Well, wow. You. Hi. How have you been?
MAX: Ive been good.
MAX: Ive been in California.
LORELAI: Well, cowabunga dude.
MAX: Yes, thats my official California name.
LORELAI: So, California, huh?
MAX: Stanford, actually. I was teaching a class there.
LORELAI: Well, good. Its about time that dump got some decent teachers.
MAX: Yes, theyre really trying to turn the place around.
LORELAI: Well, so, if you were living in California, then what are you doing back here?
MAX: Well, this place has the best selection.
LORELAI: In Hartford.
MAX: My class ended, and I thought Id come back for the Chilton Bicentennial.
MAX: What are you doing here in Hartford?
LORELAI: Friday night?
MAX: The infamous Gilmore dinners.
MAX: Hows that going?
LORELAI: Uh, great. We had to add on an extra room for all the emotional baggage, but other than that, theres been no bloodshed as of yet.
MAX: Well, Im glad to hear it. And Rorys good?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, shes the Encyclopedia Britannica definition of good.
MAX: Same boyfriend?
LORELAI: Different boyfriend.
MAX: You hate him.
LORELAI: No, I dont.
MAX: You really hate him.
LORELAI: I smile, I say hi, I let him eat the good cookies.
MAX: You wanna have him killed.
LORELAI: Only if I get a really good price.
MAX: Shes young, shell move on, shes got college next year.
LORELAI: Great. Frat boys, I cannot wait.
MAX: Just get a keg, keeps em distracted.
LORELAI: Oh, well, thanks for the advice. Im gonna lock her up in a tower when I get home.
MAX: Glad I could help. Well, listen, I, um, have this dinner I have to get to.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, yeah. Me, too. Me, too. So. . .
MAX: It was nice to see you.
LORELAI: It was nice to see you, too.
LORELAI: Uh, bye.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai rings the doorbell, Richard answers the door]
RICHARD: Ah, youre here.
LORELAI: And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.
RICHARD: Its chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.
LORELAI: Come again?
RICHARD: Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
[they start walking to the living room]
LORELAI: Three DAR strokes. Whats in that water theyre drinking?
RICHARD: Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and youre forgetting Liesl.
RICHARD: Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.
LORELAI: Right, the muttonchops.
RICHARD: Here is Rory.
LORELAI: Thanks, I wouldnt have recognized her. Hi hon.
RORY: Hi. Did you hear about the strokes?
LORELAI: Yes, stay away from whiskey and the DAR.
RICHARD: Your mother would make you throw that out at this point.
LORELAI: How about I exchange it for a martini?
RICHARD: Ah, coming up. [phone rings] Oh, good Im expecting an important call. This could be it.
LORELAI: Uh, Dad, if the maid is busy with dinner and the second ones out and Moms at the hospital. . . you know.
RICHARD: Oh, right, right. Ill get it! [leaves room]
LORELAI: Alone at last. Have I got something to tell you.
LORELAI: Or maybe you have something to tell me.
RORY: Dont do that, I have nothing.
LORELAI: Or are you minimizing what you know? Maybe you should maximize it.
RORY: Im confused.
LORELAI: Maximize it.
RORY: Im maximum confused.
LORELAI: I ran into Max.
LORELAI: At the pharmacy. Did you know he was back?
RORY: No. He was, like, on loan somewhere.
LORELAI: Yeah, at Stanford. But hes back now, for a little while at least, and I am happy to report that either hes forgiven me for treating him so badly or it wasnt that bad and I just built it up worse in my head.
RORY: Oh no, you treated him like crap
LORELAI: Well, he was very big about it. He didnt recoil or blow me off. We had a nice chat. It was good to see him.
RORY: Hes a great guy.
LORELAI: He is.
RORY: And a great teacher, too. Im glad hes back.
LORELAI: Good. He seems glad, too.
[Richard returns to the room]
RICHARD: That was not my call, and for a second there, I thought a fourth friend of your mothers had had a stroke.
RORY: Oh, no.
RICHARD: But then I realized that it was one of the original stroke ladies husbands calling to inform me of her stroke, which we already knew about, so here we are.
LORELAI: Thank God.
RICHARD: So, Rory has been telling me about the Chilton Bicentennial and her speech.
RORY: Well, its not my speech yet. I have to qualify for it.
RICHARD: Oh, youll get it.
LORELAI: Shell be on C-SPAN if she does.
RICHARD: Very good.
RORY: Its not like anyone would watch it.
LORELAI: Yes, they will. Youre a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.
RICHARD: Thats a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.
LORELAI: Its like watching the Mens Warehouse security camera.
RICHARD: When is your speech? Id like to be there.
RORY: Again, its not my speech yet, but its Friday at five.
RICHARD: Oh, well, thats tough. Could they move it to six?
RORY: I dont think so.
RICHARD: Well, maybe Ill move my thing.
RORY: That might be best.
RICHARD: Oh, Ive got it, Ive got it, Ive got it!
[As Richard rushes out of the room, Lorelai laughs]
LORELAI: [holds up her cell phone] Speed dial. I just like seeing him do that.
RICHARD: [from other room] Ive got it.
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSONS HOUSE
[Lorelai walks up to the house, Sookie is sitting on the front porch swing]
SOOKIE: Ah, thank God, someone sane. Come on up.
LORELAI: Your phone has been busy all night and I am dying to know what the doctor said.
SOOKIE: He said, "Congratulations, its an It!"
LORELAI: Ah, I loved being pregnant.
SOOKIE: Youll give me lots of tips?
LORELAI: Oh, what I can remember.
SOOKIE: Get your diary out from that year cause I wanna know it all.
LORELAI: A lot of my diary from that year was, um, a debate over which member of Tears for Fears I loved more at that particular moment.
SOOKIE: Thats probably not going to help me much.
LORELAI: What are you doing out here? Its cold.
SOOKIE: Well, we finished eating and I needed a break. Rough day. We didnt get home until eight.
LORELAI: Eight? Your appointment was at six.
SOOKIE: Jackson wont drive home faster than seven miles an hour. He doesnt wanna jiggle Baby.
LORELAI: Oh my God.
SOOKIE: We spent ten minutes on one speed bump. I couldve walked home faster. And hes got this wild look in his eye like hes some kind of death rocker or something, and hes making lots of calls, and he punched the calculator so much he broke it.
[Jackson walks out of the house]
JACKSON: Were selling the truck.
JACKSON: Its the only way were going to afford the minivan.
SOOKIE: I thought you broke the calculator.
JACKSON: Im using a pencil. Hi Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hi Jackson, congratulations.
SOOKIE: We dont need a van.
JACKSON: And Im getting a haircut and buying a second tie. [the phone rings] Oh, Ill get it. Its probably the contractor.
SOOKIE: What contractor?
JACKSON: The add-on.
SOOKIE: What add-on?
JACKSON: The expansion, Sookie, the expansion. [walks into the house]
SOOKIE: Hes expanding something.
LORELAI: Hes, uh, being very cryptic.
SOOKIE: I dont wanna expand anything. And did you see his eyes?
LORELAI: Tasmanian devil.
SOOKIE: When I came home, he was baby-proofing the house, hed thrown away all our prescription drugs, and he was stuffing newspaper into the electrical sockets. Hes insane.
[Jackson walks out with the phone]
JACKSON: [oh phone] Hold on, Tom. [to Sookie] He says we have to move out for three months to do the add-on. We probably dont wanna do that.
SOOKIE: Probably not.
[Jackson walks back into the house]
LORELAI: Have you tried slapping him?
SOOKIE: No, he wont let me lift my arm above my head in case it stretches Baby. This stinks. We never even got to celebrate. He went straight to budgets and minivans.
LORELAI: Aw, well, what hes doing is sweet in its own obnoxious way.
SOOKIE: I guess Ill have to let him be male.
LORELAI: So, listen, um, I ran into Max Medina.
SOOKIE: Oh my God, really? How weird was that?
LORELAI: A little. Not as much as I would have thought.
SOOKIE: Hes such a good guy.
LORELAI: Yeah, people are pretty unanimous on that.
SOOKIE: Well, was he nice to you?
LORELAI: Very. I mean, what happened with us was so long ago. Do you think what I did to him was really horrible?
SOOKIE: You mean dumping him in the gutter? Sure.
LORELAI: Yeah, people are pretty unanimous on that, too.
SOOKIE: So, Max Medinas back.
LORELAI: Not for long, though. I just hope he doesnt hate me. He was probably just being nice. I just dont want him to hate me.
SOOKIE: You didnt mean to hurt him.
LORELAI: Ill write him a note or something. I owe him that.
[Jackson walks out of the house and holds up a cleaver.]
JACKSON: What is this?
SOOKIE: Its my cleaver.
JACKSON: What if Baby fell on it?
SOOKIE: You mean, what if Baby rolled off the sink and into the open second drawer? It wouldnt be good.
JACKSON: It has to go.
SOOKIE: I need it to chop stuff.
JACKSON: Were switching to plastic.
SOOKIE: I cant use plastic.
JACKSON: And the Saran Wraps history, too.
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[Rory walks through the front door. The phone is ringing]
RORY: [answers phone] Hello?
WOMAN: Rory Gilmore, please.
RORY: This is Rory Gilmore.
WOMAN: Please hold. Im connecting Headmaster Charleston and Paris Gellar.
RORY: What? Youre what, hello?
WOMAN: Miss Gilmore?
RORY: Im here.
WOMAN: Miss Gellar?
PARIS: Im here.
WOMAN: Please hold, Im connecting Headmaster Charleston. [pause] Miss Gilmore, Miss Gellar, you have Headmaster Charleston.
HEADMASTER: Ladies, hello. I hope youre having a pleasant evening.
RORY: Yes, sir.
PARIS: Very pleasant.
HEADMASTER: Wonderful to hear. Well, lets get down to it, shall we? I was very impressed with both of your speeches today. They were well written, well researched, and eloquently delivered. You should be very proud.
RORY: Thank you, we were.
PARIS: Who won?
HEADMASTER: Just the simple act of completing a task well is in itself a win, is it not Miss Gellar?
PARIS: Yes, sir.
HEADMASTER: Wonderful. Anyhow, as I was listening to you both this afternoon, a thought kept rolling around in my head. I was thinking what a pity it is I will have to choose just one. But then I realized, Hold on a minute here. Im the headmaster at this school, Im in charge of this competition, I can change the rules if I wish to. So I am.
RORY: You are?
PARIS: You are what?
HEADMASTER: I am changing the rules. Instead of having one speaker at our bicentennial, we will have two. You will combine your speeches and present them together.
PARIS: Youre kidding.
HEADMASTER: I assure you I am not. I think it will be an excellent way to pay proper tribute to our school. So, what do you think of my little plan?
RORY: Well. . .
PARIS: Its, uh. . .
HEADMASTER: Brilliant. Yes, I think so, too. Thats all. Congratulations. I would like the revised copy of your speech on my desk by Tuesday. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. [hangs up]
PARIS: Well, look whos suddenly decided to become Kofi Annan.
RORY: Excuse me?
PARIS: Charleston thinks we need to play nice with each other, so he screws up the whole bicentennial. This sucks.
RORY: Yes, it does suck.
PARIS: So, what do we do now?
RORY: Do we have a choice?
PARIS: Of course we have a choice. You could say no.
RORY: Why could I say no? You could say no.
PARIS: I could not say no. C-SPAN is going to be there.
RORY: Well, I like C-SPAN as much as you do.
PARIS: You do not.
RORY: I do, too. Ask my mom, its all I talk about.
PARIS: So, I guess we need a game plan now.
RORY: Okay. We can meet at school tomorrow and work on it.
PARIS: Or we could do it over the phone.
RORY: Over the phone?
PARIS: Were just combining two speeches, Rory. Theres no reason we have to sit in the same room and stare at each other.
RORY: Fine, whatever you want.
PARIS: Tomorrow night, six oclock, Ill call you.
RORY: I cant wait.
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[The doorbell rings. Rory answers the door, Paris is standing there]
RORY: What are you doing here?
PARIS: We have a speech to write.
RORY: Yes, but we were supposed to do it over the phone. That was the plan.
PARIS: Well, its a ridiculous plan. We have to put two speeches together. We have to rehearse them, we have to hone our timing. None of that can be done effectively over the phone.
RORY: But it was your idea.
PARIS: Oh, like you fought me on it?
RORY: Of course I didnt fight you on it.
PARIS: Well, okay then.
RORY: What, okay then? Our conversation did not just come to a close. There was not a decision made back there just now.
PARIS: Look, Im here, we should just do this and get it over with. Do you wanna study here or in your bedroom? Fine, Ill go to a payphone. Do you have payphones in this town or are you still using a town crier?
RORY: Well do it here.
PARIS: Whatever you say.
[they walk into Rorys bedroom]
PARIS: So, I think the first thing to do is to acquaint ourselves with each others speeches so we can judge who hit which point best. Here. [hands Rory her speech]
RORY: Mine. [hands Paris her speech]
PARIS: Good. Lets read. Why did you use this font?
RORY: Because I was on the crack.
PARIS: Did you check these facts?
RORY: Yes, I did.
PARIS: And the spelling of these names?
RORY: Yes, I did.
RORY: What, Paris?
PARIS: I slept with Jamie. Last night, after we talked.
RORY: Was it something I said?
PARIS: I went over there to study and he lit a fire and then we did it. What are your thoughts on that?
RORY: My thoughts?
PARIS: Because Im not exactly sure how I feel about it myself yet. Ive been going over it in my head. I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice and thank God he didnt try to put on any ridiculous makeout music, and then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it because I wasnt wearing anything particularly alluring, and in the moments just before the act. . .
RORY: Oh, God.
PARIS: We were actually discussing modern day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a come and get it sort of conversation, but nevertheless, he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So, I thought maybe if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now. So, come on, talk. What do you think?
PARIS: Are you pro?
RORY: Paris, just stop talking for one second and let me get my mind around this.
PARIS: Sorry, go ahead, focus.
[Lorelai walks in through the front door and overhears their conversation from the hall]
PARIS: Could you focus faster because I really need some feedback here.
RORY: Okay, so you are telling me that you and Jamie. . .
PARIS: Had sex.
RORY: Okay, so, were you safe?
PARIS: Yes, it was a regular after school special.
RORY: Well, was he nice to you?
PARIS: Yes, he was very nice to me.
RORY: And the two of you had discussed this. . .
PARIS: Well, I dont know that we actually discussed it, it was just sort of implied.
PARIS: Yes, implied. When youre dating a boy and youre together for a given amount of time and youre not Amish, then the eventual occurrence of intercourse is inevitable. I mean, wasnt it with you?
PARIS: With Dean.
RORY: No. I never did it with Dean.
PARIS: Oh. Well, then with Jess, right?
RORY: Um, no.
PARIS: Youre lying.
RORY: No, Im not lying.
PARIS: You havent?
PARIS: Why not?
RORY: I just havent. Its just not the time.
[Lorelai quietly walks back out of the house]
PARIS: Why is it not the time? I mean, if its not the time for you, then maybe its not the time for me either.
RORY: Paris, you cant judge whats right for you against whats right for me. I mean, we are different, and Jamie and Jess are different.
PARIS: Well, yeah.
RORY: Maybe it was the time for the two of you.
PARIS: I guess. I just wish I had the data to back it up.
RORY: Some things cant be analyzed.
PARIS: Listen, Rory, these last few weeks, Francie got things all twisted around.
RORY: You let her get things all twisted around.
PARIS: I know. I just tend to believe the worst in people, you know?
RORY: Oh yeah, I know.
PARIS: Im. . .
RORY: Thats okay.
LORELAI: [from kitchen] Hello, Mommys home!
RORY: Were in here.
LORELAI: Were, whos were? Oh, hey Paris. I didnt know you were coming over tonight.
PARIS: It wasnt planned.
LORELAI: Oh, well, I brought pizza if you guys are hungry.
PARIS: I have to take my retainer out first.
RORY: Ill get the plates.
[Paris walks toward the bathroom, Lorelai hugs Rory]
LORELAI: Im taking you shopping tomorrow.
LORELAI: It just seems time. . .for new shoes.
RORY: Okay. [walks away]
LORELAI: Ive got the good kid.
CUT TO CHILTON AUDITORIUM
[The headmaster is on stage addressing the audience]
HEADMASTER: . . .of two hundred years of tradition, Chilton begins its third century of educating this countrys young students. . .
[Rory is waiting in the hallway outside the auditorium. Lorelai walks over to her]
LORELAI: Okay, I got the coats hung, and I slipped the girl a buck to get the really good hangers. You know, the ones with the dry cleaning foam strips still attached. Why are you frowning? Are you nervous?
RORY: What? No. I mean, yes. Paris is supposed to be here and shes not.
LORELAI: Well, maybe shes just had a clothing crisis.
LORELAI: Do you wanna call her?
RORY: I did, no answer.
LORELAI: Im sure shes fine, theres traffic. Just relax.
[Richard walks up to them]
RICHARD: There you are.
RORY: Grandpa, you came.
RICHARD: Of course I came. I wouldnt miss my granddaughter talking on national TV. Thats quite a nice turnout you have here.
LORELAI: Yes, well, were very proud of the number of people who have nothing to do on a Friday night.
RICHARD: Your mind never tires for a moment, does it?
LORELAI: It will once people start talking.
LORELAI: Okay, well, Im gonna go track down some coffee cause theres no way theyre not serving coffee at this thing. Ill be right back. Relax, shell be here.
CUT TO ANOTHER HALLWAY
[On her way to the coffee table, Lorelai passes Max, who is talking to someone]
MAX: [to man] Stanford has been really fantastic.
MAX: Hi. [to man] Will you excuse me for a moment?
[Max follows Lorelai to the coffee table]
MAX: We seem to be running into each other a lot lately.
LORELAI: Oh, come on, you know where theres C-SPAN, theres. . .me.
MAX: Is Rory around?
LORELAI: Um, shes looking for Paris and panicking shes gonna have to do this alone.
MAX: Well, Parisll come.
LORELAI: I told her that. Listen, do you have a second?
LORELAI: I just, um. . .I just wanna talk to you about. . .uh. . .
[they walk to an empty classroom]
LORELAI: I just wanted to get away from. . .anyhow. We just havent really talked since. . .
MAX: No, we havent.
LORELAI: I always meant to call you, but Im not good at calling when a call is really necessary. And then, you know, uh, if you dont call for awhile, it gets harder to call, and then after awhile, it feels like its too late to call, and so you dont, although you always know that you shouldve called, and I shouldve called.
MAX: Its okay.
LORELAI: No, its not. I never really explained what happened.
MAX: You didnt marry me.
LORELAI: Yes, I know, but I never really explained why. I just didnt.
MAX: You didnt love me.
LORELAI: I dont think I didnt love you. I think. . .I think I was not ready to get married.
MAX: Because you didnt love me.
LORELAI: No, I really dont think that was it. Sometimes the person you love is not the person youre ready to live with forever. Im not saying this is right, but
MAX: Lorelai, listen to me. I appreciate this, I really do, but theres no need for it. Im really okay.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I know youre. . .no, Im sure youre okay. Im not saying this because you dont look okay. You look great. Really great. Although, Im not saying this because you look really great, although you do. Did you join a gym in California?
MAX: Lorelai, look. Ive always wanted to teach at a university like Stanford. And finally, the opportunity came up, I went, and it was wonderful. And, frankly, if we had been getting married, I wouldnt have been able to take it.
LORELAI: Youre welcome.
MAX: And being away gave me time to think. I thought, and now Im fine.
LORELAI: Its just, we never had any closure.
MAX: Lifes not really about closure, is it?
LORELAI: No, I guess not. So, youre okay?
MAX: Im okay. Im over it.
LORELAI: You sure?
MAX: I am completely sure.
LORELAI: Well, then. . .boy, dont I feel stupid.
MAX: You are many things, but stupid is not one of em.
LORELAI: Well, Im really glad I got to see you again.
MAX: Me, too. I better get back.
CUT TO OUTSIDE THE AUDITORIUM
[Rory and Richard are waiting in the hallway. The headmaster walks over to them.]
HEADMASTER: Rory, you and Paris should get ready, youre going on next. Richard, I didnt know you were coming, how are you?
RICHARD: Very, very well, Hanlin.
HEADMASTER: Wonderful. Here, let me find you a seat.
RICHARD: Ah, Im also with my daughter.
HEADMASTER: Well, then let me find you two seats. Rory, wheres Paris?
RORY: I dont know, I havent seen her and I called her house.
HEADMASTER: Oh, dear. Well, I hope you know both parts. [walks away]
RORY: Okay, great.
RICHARD: You are going to be wonderful, trust me. Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear?
RICHARD: Well, dont do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos.
RORY: Say no more.
[Lorelai walks over to them]
LORELAI: Hey, theyre rounding us up. Is she here yet?
LORELAI: Oh, well, just. . .oh, there she is.
RORY: Where? [sees Paris down the hall] Oh, thank you God.
LORELAI: Okay, be great. Well see you afterward.
RORY: [walks over to Paris] Where have you been? Paris, you okay?
CUT TO AUDITORIUM
[The headmaster is addressing the audience]
HEADMASTER: And it is with great pleasure that I introduce two young ladies that epitomize the very best of what Chilton has to offer.
RORY: Paris, are you okay?
HEADMASTER: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore.
[The crowd applauds as Rory and Paris walk onto the stage]
RORY: "Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then do something. Dont just stand there, make it happen." Lee Iacocca. "Educations purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." Malcolm Forbes. "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." Oscar Wilde. These are only three of many countless views on the expansion of the human mind. I personally believe in all of them, and fortunately for me, so does Chilton. An institution not just because of age and standing, but because of ideas. Because it encourages ideas and it will accept nothing less than everything you have to give. This is the place where our lives start.
PARIS: You know, its funny, me standing here before you right now. Ive thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And heres the really funny thing after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] Im not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. Were not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing thats really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard Ive worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that Im not go
PARIS: And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.
RORY: Thank you and good night.
PARIS: Im being punished. I had sex, so now I dont get to go to Harvard.
RORY: Paris, come on. [leads Paris off the stage]
PARIS: Shes never had sex. Shell probably go to Harvard. Shes a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore youre going to Harvard!
RORY: Come on!
[In the audience, Lorelai glances at Richard, who is sleeping]
CUT TO BACKSTAGE
[Rory and Paris sit on a staircase. Paris is crying]
PARIS: How could I have not gotten into Harvard? Five generations of Gellars have gotten into Harvard. Even if I was the Billy Carter of the family, the name is still supposed to carry some weight.
PARIS: They had to really not like me for me to not get in.
PARIS: Its like they know me or something.
RORY: Stop. I know how much this meant to you, Paris, but you are going to get just as good an education at one of the other great schools youre destined to get into. And you know what? Maybe its a good thing that youre going to a different school than the rest of your family. Youll be doing your own thing, starting your own tradition. Doesnt that sound exciting?
PARIS: I cant believe I slept with Jamie. Im a slut.
RORY: No, youre not. You love him.
PARIS: What if he doesnt love me anymore? What if he doesnt think Im special anymore? How am I going to tell him I didnt get into Harvard? What am I gonna do?
RORY: Paris, I dont know why you didnt get into Harvard, but you are so smart and so special and youll see, everythings gonna be fine.
[Lorelai opens the door]
LORELAI: Hey, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.
RORY: Yeah, weve got everything under control, thanks.
LORELAI: Okay. Ill be outside when youre ready. No rush.
PARIS: Well, all Ive gotta say is, after all the trouble this sex thing has caused me, I better have been good.
RORY: Thats the perspective I know and love.
CUT TO HALLWAY
[Lorelai walks up to Richard by the coat racks]
LORELAI: Dad, hi, sorry. I was just checking on the girls.
RICHARD: Well, I hope theyre feeling very good about themselves. They did a wonderful job.
LORELAI: Yes, well, Im sure theyll be very pleased to hear you think so.
RICHARD: Listen, um, I need to get home. Uh, Im expecting a very important call from China that unfortunately I cannot miss.
LORELAI: Thats fine, Dad. Ill tell Rory you had to go.
RICHARD: All right. And tell her Ill call her later, and give her this. [hands Lorelai an envelope]
LORELAI: Aw, thats very nice. Now how about my finders fee?
RICHARD: Youre very amusing. Thank you for a lovely evening, and Ill see the two of you on Friday.
LORELAI: Good night. Sleep tight.
LORELAI: [to coat-check woman] Um, excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
WOMAN: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there, take a look. Otherwise the staircase to the roof is on your right.
LORELAI: Thank you. Hm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
CUT TO CLASSROOM
[Lorelai walks in and finds her coat in the racks. Max walks in]
MAX: Okay. So, this is where they keep the coats theyre ashamed of.
LORELAI: Well, this school has taken snobbery to a whole new level.
MAX: So, is Rory okay?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I just went back there. Shes taking care of Paris, but shes good, thanks.
MAX: I must say, Ive been a teacher for ten years now, and it wasnt until today I realized, it must be really hard to be a girl.
LORELAI: And with the invention of Sephora, really expensive, too.
MAX: Im very sorry.
LORELAI: Oh, dont be. At least we get to wear skirts without being Scottish or riding a float in the gay pride parade.
MAX: Well, thatll change someday my friend, and when it does, I still wont wear a skirt. But Ill applaud those that do, and then cross the street so nobody sees Im with them.
LORELAI: It was nice seeing you.
MAX: Nice to see you, too.
LORELAI: Take care of yourself.
MAX: I will.
MAX: And apparently, Im not over it.
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSONS BEDROOM
[Jackson taps Sookie on the shoulder]
SOOKIE: Im not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. Im a chef, I have to have knives.
SOOKIE: And Im also not cutting off the water supply and Im not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, Im sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and Im sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the automatic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep.
JACKSON: Did I tell you how happy I am?
SOOKIE: No, you didnt.
JACKSON: I have never been happier about anything in my entire life.
JACKSON: Our wedding day, but this is running a really close second.
JACKSON: Now if you would just get rid of the knives, I think it could make it a tie. I wasnt kidding about the knives.
SOOKIE: Goodnight Jackson.
JACKSON: If I could read you the statistics just one more time.
SOOKIE: I love you, Jackson.
JACKSON: Hold on, Ill find them.
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk across the yard toward the mailbox]
LORELAI: I dont know.
RORY: What does this mean?
LORELAI: I dont know.
RORY: What are you gonna do?
LORELAI: I dont know.
RORY: What about Alex?
LORELAI: I dont know.
RORY: But is Max going to
LORELAI: Oh, honey, have you gotten the clue? Theres not gonna be a wealth of information tonight.
RORY: Sorry. [they stop at the mailbox] Its just so. . .
[Lorelai opens the mailbox. She pulls out a large envelope and hands it to Rory]
LORELAI: The big one.
RORY: Looks like Paris was right.
[Lorelai pulls out two more large envelopes]
LORELAI: Apparently, you are the biggest virgin in the world. Wow. So, what?
RORY: I dont know.
LORELAI: Well, what does this mean?
RORY: I dont know.
LORELAI: Which one are you gonna choose?
RORY: I dont know.
LORELAI: I guess we better go inside. We both have a lot of things to figure out, huh?
LORELAI: Yeah. So what are the odds that Paris is ever gonna have sex again in this lifetime?
RORY: I dont know.