written by Sheila R. Lawrence
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai, Rory, and Lane are walking through the center of town]
LANE: Are you serious?
LORELAI: I am serious.
LANE: We can really rehearse in your garage?
LORELAI: In exchange for the promise that you never pose naked on the cover of Rolling Stone no matter how much trouble your career is in.
LANE: I promise. I love you. Do you know how amazing your mother is?
LORELAI: No. Tell her, would ya? She forgot this morning.
RORY: Because hot water is enjoyed by all, not just by you.
LORELAI: I wasnt in the shower that long.
RORY: Man, its winter carnival time again already.
RORY: Are you going?
LANE: I have to. We are raising money for the marching band this year, mandatory booth manning is involved.
LORELAI: Man, Lane marching band, rock band.
LANE: Music is my life.
LORELAI: Hi Mrs. Kim!
LANE: So not funny.
RORY: Raising money for the marching band to do what?
LORELAI: Please let it be new uniforms.
LANE: Its for letters so we can finally have letter carriers. For some reason, the powers that be think that the reason we never win at competitions is because no one knows who we are. The fact that we suck has never occurred to them. Whats wrong with our uniforms?
LANE: We look stupid, right?
LANE: The plumes are too big, and it looks like big red fountains of blood spurting out of our heads.
LORELAI: I love the uniforms.
LANE: Its bad enough I have to be in marching band at all without being mocked for what is mandatory for us to wear.
LORELAI: No, no, no, I didnt mean, I. . .remind her that she gets to rehearse in our garage cause I think Im losing points here.
RORY: Your uniforms are great, and people knowing who you are can only help. Now lets just enjoy the snow, okay?
RORY: Especially since some of us have been freezing since our showers this morning.
LORELAI: I wasnt in there that long.
LANE: Im sorry, can we get back to the band uniforms, cause on a scale of one to ten, how much do I not wanna let Dave see me like that?
LANE: Okay, thanks.
CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM
TEACHER: To evaluate the value of a function of X when X equals pi. You want to start by splitting the intregal into two separate intregals. Now, since the left intregal is a variable of a constant exponent, remember C is a constant, add one and divide by the new power.
MADELINE: Paris, what did he say?
MADELINE: Hes talking too fast, I missed it.
PARIS: Ask Louise.
MADELINE: Louise, what did he say?
LOUISE: I dont know, ask Paris.
MADELINE: She told me to ask you.
LOUISE: Why would she do that?
MADELINE: I dont know.
LOUISE: Did you guys have a fight?
MADELINE: Not that I know of.
TEACHER: . . . The right intregal, however, is more complex. You have to use U substitution with U equals 3 feet. [bell rings] Well pick up at the same place tomorrow.
RORY: The bell rang.
RORY: The bell? That loud metal musical contraption that when hit loudly by a vibrating mallet signals the end of this particular educational experience.
PARIS: Class is over?
PARIS: What did he talk about?
MADELINE: Ask Louise.
PARIS: I didnt take notes. I didnt pay attention. Im going to. . .
RORY: Borrow my notes and be just fine.
PARIS: Thank you.
MADELINE: Madeline want notes, too, please.
LOUISE: Add one and divide by the new power? Oh, I thought it said add one and divide by the Jew power. It makes much more sense this way.
PARIS: I cant believe I zoned out for the entire class.
RORY: You must have a lot on your mind.
PARIS: I do.
RORY: Im sure. Okay, so, onto the next thing. I dont think Ill have the prom bids ready for the supplemental student council meeting this week.
RORY: They need a little more time to get the details together, so that leaves a little hole in our agenda. Any thoughts?
PARIS: Well, we can just cancel the supplementary meeting this week.
PARIS: Well, if theres nothing really to talk about, whats the point, right?
LOUISE: You said that one student council meeting a week was not enough.
MADELINE: Yeah, you said that was no way to govern, that meeting once a week was lazy, ineffectual, and if we were going to do it like that, we might as well just buy ourselves a ranch in Texas.
PARIS: Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red.
MADELINE: Ive done that, too. Ooh, its bad.
LOUISE: She was being sarcastic.
MADELINE: Well, I wasnt. I looked surprised for a month.
PARIS: Well just take this week off, and next week well go back to twice a week, okay?
RORY: Sounds fair.
LOUISE: Sounds fab.
FRANCIE: I heard something about the supplemental student council meeting anything I need to know about, a new chart to be made, perhaps?
PARIS: No. We were just saying that the agenda seems light this week, so Ive decided to cancel it, and we can just gather at the regular meeting on Friday.
FRANCIE: Wow, this is quite a change in plans.
PARIS: You have a problem with it?
FRANCIE: No, Im just surprised. You seem so attached to those meetings.
PARIS: Well, I finally got a blankie. Its much better.
FRANCIE: Okay, no extra meeting this week. What will I do with all that extra time? Well, I guess Ill think of something.
PARIS: Take a picture of which outfit wins, will ya?
RORY: Bye Francie.
[Rory and Paris walk into the hallway]
PARIS: I met his parents.
RORY: You did?
PARIS: He bought me a ticket, and I took the train to Philadelphia, and he met me at the station, and I spent Christmas with him and his family.
RORY: Sounds nice.
PARIS: No, not nice. It was perfect. They had a Christmas tree twelve feet tall. Everything was red and silver and there was eggnog. Have you ever had eggnog?
RORY: Yes, I have.
PARIS: Its disgusting.
RORY: Yes, it is.
PARIS: But disgusting in a really great way. And they had tiny wreaths hanging from every doorknob, and mistletoe and candles everywhere. I couldnt believe it. I mean, Ive never had a Christmas before. One year, I asked my mother if we could get a Chanukah bush. She made me watch Shoah the rest of the week.
PARIS: The place smelled like cinnamon all the time, and there was a fire in the fireplace, and a ton of presents. I mean, hundreds of presents. Im looking at this mound of gifts, and Im thinking, Eight days of Chanukah. . . who was the skinflint who thought up that deal?
RORY: Dont the eight days symbolize something?
PARIS: Yes, they symbolize eight days of ripping off the little kids who cant have a Chanukah bush.
RORY: Youre making me sad.
PARIS: His mother bought me a present.
RORY: Well, that says something.
PARIS: What does it say?
RORY: It says that Jamie likes you enough that she felt compelled to buy you a present.
PARIS: I had the most amazing time. Sitting around the tree opening presents, and they played Christmas music and we drank apple cider. . .it was so nice. And then his grandfather and I wound up in a theological discussion. Jesus Messiah or nice Jewish kid with a hammer? It got pretty heated.
RORY: Okay, skip to the end, I cant take it. How did it turn out?
PARIS: He told me he loved me.
RORY: Aw, Paris!
PARIS: I never thought Id hear a boy tell me he loved me.
RORY: Thats great.
PARIS: He invited me back up for Easter break.
RORY: Youre going, I assume?
PARIS: Are you kidding? And miss a chance to debate Christ rising from the dead? Im so there.
RORY: Jamies a lucky man.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai walks through the dining room as Michel speaks Hungarian to a group of guests. The guests get angry, and Michel runs out of the room]
MICHEL: Move, please.
LORELAI: Whoa, whats going on?
MICHEL: I cannot talk now, please.
LORELAI: Michel, they sound really angry.
MICHEL: They do, dont they?
LORELAI: What did you say?
MICHEL: I dont know.
LORELAI: What do you mean you dont know? All you had to say was Welcome to Stars Hollow, thats it.
MICHEL: I know, I thought I did, and then they got angry and threw breadsticks and butter pats.
MICHEL: Im looking. [flips through a dictionary]
LORELAI: You only had to say one word in Hungarian welcome, thats it. How bad could it be?
MICHEL: Very bad.
LORELAI: Oh, Michel.
MICHEL: Very, very bad.
LORELAI: Be careful.
[Michel walks back to the guests as the phone rings. Lorelai answers]
LORELAI: Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
EMILY: Well, your fathers sixtieth birthday dinner is back on.
LORELAI: What sixtieth birthday dinner?
EMILY: The one that I had planned for Wednesday night.
LORELAI: Oh, were we coming?
EMILY: Of course you were coming. You think you wouldnt be invited?
LORELAI: Well, apparently, we werent invited.
EMILY: I had just started planning the whole thing when he came home in a mood and declared that parties were for children and it was canceled.
LORELAI: Were we disappointed?
EMILY: However, today he came in and changed his mind, so I expect the two of you at eight. And bring a gift, but dont get him a cigar humidor.
EMILY: I bought him a cigar humidor.
LORELAI: I assumed.
EMILY: Its gorgeous. It belonged to a lieutenant in the army in World War I. Apparently, he kept it in his field office in France. There are carvings in the bottom that the dealer said could possibly be coded messages.
EMILY: I think so, too. All right, eight oclock, do not be late.
LORELAI: Okay, we will not be late. Bye. [hangs up the phone as Michel walks back to the desk] Well?
MICHEL: Its fine. All we have to do is pay the ransom and they will give us the busboy back.
LORELAI: Oh, whoa, uh. . .
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen and starts screaming. She traps a spider under a cup on the floor. Theres a knock at the back door.]
LORELAI: Come in. [Dean walks in] Dean, hi.
DEAN: Hi. Uh, I hope Im not disturbing anything.
LORELAI: Oh, no, absolutely not.
DEAN: Good. Um, I just wanted to. . .
LORELAI: Ah, ah!
LORELAI: Dont kick the cup.
DEAN: The what?
LORELAI: I have a spider whose previous credits include the bathtub scene from Annie Hall trapped under that cup.
DEAN: The size of a Buick?
DEAN: I see. And what are you planning to do now that youve got him trapped?
LORELAI: Well, I was thinking of just giving him the kitchen.
LORELAI: Cause, you know, we dont use it very much anyhow, so, uh. . .
DEAN: I could get rid of it if you want.
LORELAI: Yeah, thatd be great. Just, careful . . . He heard me talking, so dont let him get away. He knows Im behind this, hell come after me. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I guess you can see why campings completely out of the question for me.
DEAN: Got it.
LORELAI: Okay, great. Could ya. . .uh. . .[gestures to the back door]
DEAN: Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.
LORELAI: Dont let his family see you. Spiders are vindictive.
[Dean takes the spider out the back door]
RORY: [calls from front hall] Mom?
LORELAI: Uh, Rory.
[Rory walks into the kitchen]
RORY: Can we do pizza tonight? Ive got a ton of studying to do.
LORELAI: Sure, pizza sounds great.
RORY: Good. Whys the door open?
LORELAI: The door is open because. . .Deans here.
[Dean walks in]
LORELAI: Um, Dean threw out a spider for me.
DEAN: I just came by to drop off some of your stuff.
DEAN: Just some books you loaned me, a couple of CDs.
RORY: Okay, thanks.
DEAN: Yeah, sure. Okay, so, Im gonna go.
LORELAI: Thanks Dean.
LORELAI: It was a really big spider. I think it had a gun. What are you feeling right now?
LORELAI: Not weirded out, even a little?
RORY: Why would I be weirded out?
LORELAI: Well, Dean coming over, bringing your stuff back.
RORY: No, Im fine.
LORELAI: Okay. Although, you know, if you were weirded out a little, it would be okay. It wouldnt mean that you dont like Jess, or that you made a mistake. It would just mean the guy who was in your life for two years isnt there anymore.
RORY: I was just surprised, thats all.
LORELAI: If you say so.
RORY: I do.
RORY: Im gonna go start studying.
LORELAI: Ill order the pizza.
RORY: Thank you.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Jess are walking through the town square]
RORY: You know what just occurred to me? That we are very fortunate to have good teeth.
JESS: Yes, very fortunate.
RORY: Can you imagine if braces were involved in this interaction?
JESS: Itd be a bloodbath.
RORY: I cant catch my breath.
JESS: Youre not supposed to.
RORY: Hey, listen, Thursday night is the Stars Hollow High Winter Carnival.
JESS: Oh yeah?
RORY: Yeah, I thought we could go, meet Lane there.
RORY: But itd be really fun. Theyll have really bad games and really bad food and the marching band will play and
JESS: Rory, Im doing some of my best work here and youre just talking right through it.
RORY: Come on, lets go to the carnival.
JESS: I dont go to these stupid town things.
RORY: You went to the Bid-A-Basket festival. You went to the dance marathon.
JESS: That was when I was trying to get you. I now have you. That means I dont have to go anymore.
RORY: Youre serious?
JESS: As a heart attack.
RORY: But itll be fun.
JESS: We can have our own fun.
RORY: I cant miss the winter carnival.
JESS: Rory, come on.
RORY: Well, I never have. I cant. Just go with me, please.
JESS: Look, how bout you go to the festival, meet Lane, and then Ill hook up with you afterwards.
JESS: Thats my final offer, man.
RORY: Were gonna walk right in front of a car one of these days.
CUT TO LUKES DINER
[Rory and Jess walk in]
JESS: So, you want some help with your homework?
RORY: Youre going to help me?
RORY: Dont take this the wrong way, but how?
JESS: Come upstairs and Ill show you.
RORY: Well, you know how important my education is to me.
JESS: Yes, I do.
[Lorelai walks in with some shopping bags]
LORELAI: Rory, hey. Thank God, I need help. Where you going?
JESS: See ya. [goes upstairs]
LORELAI: Were you guys gonna go upstairs and kiss?
RORY: Wow, look at all the bags.
LORELAI: Yes, I went shopping for my fathers birthday present today, which was great for about fifteen minutes, until it all came back to me.
LORELAI: The fact that I totally suck at buying my father presents.
RORY: Hell like whatever you get him.
LORELAI: If I slip him a quaalude, hell like whatever I get him.
RORY: They are not that bad.
LORELAI: My intentions are always good, and I never put a price limit on it. I even went so far as to follow older men around the store who kind of looked like my dad to see what they were buying, which didnt help me with ideas, but I did get asked to the antique car show.
RORY: Just show me what you got.
LORELAI: Fine. Option number one a state of the art, high tech, titanium bathroom scale.
LORELAI: What? He has weight.
RORY: Yes, but Im not sure that his birthday is the time to remind him of it.
LORELAI: Okay, option number two a fabulous mechanical coin sorter. You put the coins in, it sorts em. What?
RORY: Well, its a little generic.
LORELAI: Generic in a good way, or. . .
RORY: Whats the third option?
LORELAI: See, I should have pulled the coin sorter out last, cause. . .
RORY: A tie.
LORELAI: Yes, its silk.
RORY: Its nice.
LORELAI: It is?
LUKE: Whats that?
LORELAI: Its a tie for my fathers birthday.
LUKE: What, no Aramis this year?
LORELAI: No, he likes ties.
LUKE: You know, if you get the big bottle, it usually comes with a tote bag and a soap on a rope.
LORELAI: Go away. My gifts suck.
RORY: Its the thought that counts.
LORELAI: Whatd you get him?
RORY: Nothing big.
LORELAI: Well, what?
RORY: Just a thing.
LORELAI: What kind of thing?
RORY: Chuck Berry Live at the Fillmore on vinyl.
LORELAI: Oh my God, thats perfect. He loves Chuck Berry. How did you come up with that?
RORY: I called him and asked him what he wanted.
LORELAI: Thats cheating.
LORELAI: Well, now what am I gonna do? I cant give him a tie when you give him the worlds most perfect present we already know he likes.
RORY: You want me to go find something for you?
LORELAI: You would do that?
RORY: He gave me a couple other suggestions. I can go see if I can find one of them.
LORELAI: Ugh, my God, I love you. You are my angel.
RORY: Hey, you had one more that you didnt show me.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah it lights up and sings.
RORY: Enough said.
CUT TO SIDEWALK
[Rory is walking down the sidewalk. She stops to look in a store window, then accidentally bumps into Dean.]
DEAN: Oh, sorry.
RORY: I didnt see you.
DEAN: I wasnt paying attention.
RORY: I was just looking in the window and then. . .
DEAN: I was just noticing the new benches in the square.
DEAN: Yeah, uh, sorry.
RORY: Its weird.
DEAN: Whats weird?
RORY: How we keep randomly bumping into each other like this.
DEAN: Well, it wasnt exactly random bumping into you at your house.
RORY: Right, I live there, not so random.
DEAN: Though, this, right now. .
DEAN: Very random.
RORY: Thats probably the most the word randoms been used in a two minutes period in a really long time.
DEAN: Hey, you wanna get a cup of coffee?
DEAN: Maybe talk a little? Of course, if you prefer, we can both just head over to Westons and randomly bump into each other.
RORY: No, uh, thats okay. I can get coffee.
CUT TO WESTONS BAKERY
[Rory and Dean walk in]
DEAN: So, where do you wanna sit?
RORY: Um, theres good, if you like the window.
DEAN: Window is fine.
RORY: Of course, theres that one if you dont like the window.
DEAN: Windows fine.
RORY: The window can be colder because of the glass, but then that one is right by the bathroom, and being right by the bathroom always makes me kind of uncomfortable, which isnt really fair because something has to be right by the bathroom. Otherwise, youre cutting down on tables, which means youre cutting down on profits and. . .windows fine?
DEAN: Windows fine.
RORY: Lets sit down then. [they sit down] This is a very nice table. Good pick.
KIRK: Today we have an almond tort, an apple pandowdy, and various marzipan fruits made by a sect of cloistered nuns in Toledo.
DEAN: Ill have a piece of pie.
KIRK: Cherry, peach, chocolate, pumpkin, custard
DEAN: Custards fine.
KIRK: Theres more.
DEAN: I know, but custards fine.
KIRK: You dont wanna hear the rest?
DEAN: I am really good with the custard.
KIRK: But they made memorize thirty different flavors.
DEAN: Custard is fine.
KIRK: You want ice cream with that?
DEAN: Are there different flavors?
DEAN: Just the pie.
KIRK: Okay. What about you?
RORY: Oh, nothing for me.
RORY: Im not hungry.
DEAN: Youre not hungry?
RORY: Nope, Im not.
DEAN: Shes not hungry.
KIRK: Ill be right back.
DEAN: In all the time Ive known you, Ive never seen you not hungry.
RORY: Yeah, well. . .
DEAN: Thanks for doing this.
RORY: Of course. Why wouldnt I?
DEAN: Because youre incredibly uncomfortable.
RORY: Well, its the situation, not you.
DEAN: Yeah, the situation.
RORY: You know, with you and me being. . .
DEAN: Yeah, yeah, I know the situation. So, um, how are ya?
RORY: Im fine. You?
DEAN: Im doing okay.
RORY: Hows school?
DEAN: Not bad. Ive got McKellan for History.
RORY: Oh, has he done his Napoleon having dinner with Charlemagne bit yet?
DEAN: Catherine the Great shows up for dessert.
RORY: Oh, wow, hes revised it. Good for him. Hes a unique man, but a decent teacher.
DEAN: Yeah. You know, um, I wanted to tell you I applied to Southern Connecticut State.
DEAN: McKellan actually wrote me a letter of recommendation.
RORY: Wait a minute you do know that Southern Connecticut State is a four-year college?
DEAN: Yeah, I read that in the brochure.
RORY: But what happened to Im going to community college?
DEAN: I changed my mind.
DEAN: All your Harvard talk, all those crazy books you pushed on me, all that talk about you can do more.
RORY: You can do more.
DEAN: So I decided to do more.
RORY: Wow, Im so glad.
RORY: Well, if you need any help with anything, Ive become the Rain Man of college application requirements.
DEAN: Thanks. I might take you up on that.
KIRK: Custard pie, no ice cream.
DEAN: Thanks, Kirk.
RORY: Wow. Southern Connecticut State, thats exciting. When did all this happen?
DEAN: The last few weeks. Uh, its funny. I got the envelope, and I wanted to call you, and then I realized, uh, I cant do that.
RORY: You couldve done that.
DEAN: I guess. I dont know, I cant get over how weird it is. I go from seeing you everyday to. . .
RORY: I know.
DEAN: I mean, Im used to talking to you.
RORY: I know.
DEAN: Thats a hard thing to just let go of.
RORY: For me, too.
DEAN: I dont know, Rory. Maybe. . .maybe, um. . .is there a way we could be friends?
DEAN: If you want to.
RORY: Oh, I want to. I really want to. But
DEAN: Dont ask me how Im gonna deal with him. I have no idea.
DEAN: Lets just take this one step at a time.
RORY: Absolutely. Slow and steady wins the race.
DEAN: This is really good. You sure you dont want a bite?
RORY: One bite. So hows Claras horseback-riding lessons going?
DEAN: Not bad. I think she actually got within three feet of the thing last week.
RORY: Hm, very impressive.
DEAN: She thought so.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, Emily and Richard are sitting in the living room for Richards birthday party]
RICHARD: This man is a genius. Listen to him play.
RORY: Im glad you like it, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Oh, I must say, I am a very spoiled man. Chuck Berry, and the complete history of the Peloponnesian War.
LORELAI: Well, sure, cause a partial history would skip all the dirty stuff.
RICHARD: I especially like the way you wrapped the books in a bow tie. Its very, very clever.
LORELAI: I thought it would be appropriate.
EMILY: And, of course, youre not forgetting your favorite gift.
RICHARD: Oh, yes, my beautiful humidor from my beautiful wife.
EMILY: Thank you.
RICHARD: No, thank you. Its been a wonderful birthday.
[the doorbell rings]
EMILY: Would you like some more champagne?
RICHARD: Oh, why not?
TRIX: [from hallway] One of the porch lights is burned out. Perhaps the simple act of glancing outside a window once in awhile might have alerted someone to the situation.
RICHARD: Trix, is that you? Well, Ill be. What a surprise. [leaves room]
LORELAI: Mom, did you know Grandma was coming?
EMILY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: Okay, no seems like a safe answer.
RICHARD: [from hallway] Emily, come here! Come say hello to this delightful creature that just walked in.
EMILY: Oh my God.
LORELAI: Come on, lets see if she tries to make a break for it.
[they all walk to the front hallway where Richard is standing with Trix]
RICHARD: Emily, did you know about this?
EMILY: Why, no, I didnt.
RICHARD: Well, Im floored.
TRIX: Good. Hello Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hello Gran, good to see you.
TRIX: Youre well?
LORELAI: Im well.
TRIX: Youre working?
LORELAI: Im working.
TRIX: Youre single?
LORELAI: Im single.
TRIX: By choice, or do you scare the men with your independence?
LORELAI: Actually, I scare them with my Minnie Pearl impression.
TRIX: The lady with the hat. Rory, as soon as I get settled, I want to hear all about your schooling and your college plans.
RORY: Okay, Gran.
TRIX: Well, Emily, I dont know if you realize it or not, but its not proper to receive guests in the foyer. It puts one in the awkward position of having to invite oneself in.
EMILY: Uh, yes, uh, please, I - Im sorry. Please, come in.
RICHARD: This way. [Richard leads her to the living room]
EMILY: What is she doing here?
LORELAI: Shes visiting.
EMILY: She didnt call, she always calls.
LORELAI: Oh, its Dads birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise.
EMILY: But I havent prepared. I havent shopped or set up the guest room and oh God, her horrible gifts are still in the basement. What do I do?
LORELAI: Leave em there.
LORELAI: Its too late to do anything about that now. Come on.
[they walk to the living room]
TRIX: Oh, Emily, youre still here.
EMILY: Yes, of course Im still here. Can I get you some champagne?
TRIX: Well, if you wish me to be violently ill tomorrow, absolutely.
LORELAI: Do not answer that.
RICHARD: Ive got you covered Trix. Now, tell me what on earth youre doing here. You didnt travel all the way from England just for my birthday.
TRIX: Oh, I think your birthday is a good enough reason to travel all the way from England. However, it did also happen to coincide with some business I needed to attend to.
RORY: What kind of business?
TRIX: Well, for the past year, Ive been renting my home in Hartford to a group of musicians. Theyve recently moved out, so I had to come check on the house and secure a new tenant.
LORELAI: What kind of musicians?
TRIX: A rock and roll group of some sort. I believe they call themselves Korn.
LORELAI: You rented your house to Korn?
RORY: Thats so cool!
TRIX: They were fine tenants. Took wonderful care of the place. They planted some lovely tulips in the front yard.
EMILY: So, Mom, if youre going to be here for awhile, I can plan some things for you to do, some outings you might enjoy.
TRIX: Like what?
EMILY: Like the arboretum.
TRIX: I have no desire to spend the entire day with plants, Emily. Im not a bee. Besides, I already know what I would like to do. I would like to see where Lorelai works.
LORELAI: The inn?
TRIX: I thought we could all have dinner there.
LORELAI: Oh, well, sure. That would be great.
TRIX: Wonderful. Tomorrow night, then.
RORY: Oh. . .
LORELAI: Well. . .
LORELAI: Its just that tomorrow night we were planning to go to this winter carnival at the high school. . .
RORY: But we can skip it.
TRIX: Absolutely not. Rory, youre a young person who works hard. Its equally important to have fun. You go to the carnival.
RORY: Thank you.
TRIX: Lorelai, youve had enough fun in your life.
LORELAI: And then some.
TRIX: Dinner will be for the grown-ups. Now, how is the birthday going?
RICHARD: Wonderfully. Theyre spoiling me rotten. Emily got me the most beautiful humidor. Its from 1917, and was owned by a lieutenant in World War I.
TRIX: You know, your father had a humidor that was owned by Victor Hugo.
TRIX: I still have it if youd like it.
RICHARD: Well, Id love it.
TRIX: Fine. Ill take care of it as soon as I get back to London. Now, if you will excuse me, I should like to freshen up.
EMILY: Ill make sure the guest rooms ready.
RICHARD: Oh, I can do that, Emily.
TRIX: Thank you, Richard. Emily, I expect to return in twenty minutes. That should give you enough time to pull my gifts out of storage and place them around the room as if they actually stand there all year. [leaves room]
LORELAI: You want some help with those gifts?
EMILY: Yes, please.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN
SOOKIE: Twelve courses, each paired with a specific wine, and for dessert, individual chocolate amaretto mousse cakes in the shape of a G.
LORELAI: Sookie, look what youve done.
SOOKIE: Over the top?
LORELAI: On a monumental scale.
SOOKIE: Exactly what I was going for. Im also going to have individual little menus printed up and placed at each setting.
LORELAI: I love you for doing this.
[Michel walks up to Lorelai with the phone]
MICHEL: Your mother is on the phone.
LORELAI: Oh, can you take a message?
MICHEL: You mean, do I have the physical and mental capabilities to take a message? Why, yes, I do, however. . .
LORELAI: I got it. [takes the phone] Hey Mom.
EMILY: She wants to see your house.
EMILY: Tonight, before the dinner.
LORELAI: Oh, okay.
EMILY: Okay? Did you hear what I said? That horrifying woman wants to see your house. Your house the one with the monkey lamp.
LORELAI: Mom, relax.
EMILY: Is it clean?
LORELAI: Yeah, its clean.
EMILY: If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?
LORELAI: That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat?
EMILY: I dont know what to do. Oh, nevermind, Ill just figure it out when I get there.
LORELAI: When you get where?
EMILY: Ill call you later, Lorelai.
LORELAI: When you get where, Mom?
EMILY: Im turning onto your street now.
LORELAI: Mom, no!
EMILY: Ill just let myself in. I know you keep a key in the turtle or some ridiculous thing like that.
LORELAI: Mom, I beg of you, make a very dangerous u-turn right now and go back where you came from.
EMILY: Im here. Ill talk to you later, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Mom. . .mom!
CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY
[Rory walks past a classroom as Francie opens the door]
FRANCIE: Oh, Rory, super. Could you step in here for a sec?
RORY: Oh, okay.
FRANCIE: Thanks. Im just so lucky I caught you.
RORY: What is this?
FRANCIE: The supplementary student council meeting, silly.
RORY: But Paris canceled that.
FRANCIE: She did, didnt she? Hm.
RORY: Whats going on?
LOUISE: You tell us.
RORY: I dont know.
MADELINE: Francie said there was an issue that has to be discussed.
LOUISE: We figured you oked it.
RORY: I did not okay it. Mr. Hunter, theres been a mistake. Paris canceled this meeting and
MR. HUNTER: I know, Rory, but Francie approached me and said there was an issue that she had planned to discuss at the meeting today, and it has a bit of a ticking clock on it.
RORY: You did not mention that you had anything.
FRANCIE: I was just so surprised that Paris was canceling the meeting that it flew right out of my head. It was New York to London in three hours or less.
RORY: Ill bet.
MR. HUNTER: Rory, if you take a seat, we can get started.
RORY: I move that we postpone this meeting until Paris can be reached.
MR. HUNTER: Were all here now, lets just hear what Francie has to say. You can fill Paris in later. By the way, did anyone try to find her?
FRANCIE: I saw her walking off with. . .who was that, her brother?
LOUISE: Paris doesnt have a brother.
FRANCIE: Really? Well, she certainly seemed to know him.
RORY: Francie, why dont you just tell us all why were here?
LOUISE: And how long were staying.
FRANCIE: The Wadsworth Mansion has just had a cancellation, which means that we can get it for prom, if we move quickly. Shall we vote?
RORY: Hold on the Wadsworth Mansion is too expensive. Weve already discussed this.
FRANCIE: There are plenty of funds there to cover it.
RORY: Not if we want a telescope to be the senior gift.
FRANCIE: You mean, not if Paris wants a telescope to be the senior gift.
RORY: We all thought it was a good idea.
FRANCIE: Reach for the stars? Nice theme, original. Was Be all that you can be taken?
RORY: Its a good gift.
FRANCIE: Its a fine gift. However, so is planting a nice tree in the quad.
RORY: Every class plants a tree.
FRANCIE: Well, then, who are we to judge those who came before? I say, lets put it to a vote.
RORY: This isnt right. Paris should be here.
FRANCIE: I agree, Paris should be here. However, shes not, so once again, shall we vote?
MR. HUNTER: Rory, as student body vice president, I need you to call for a vote.
RORY: All those in favor of using the funds for the Wadsworth Mansion, even though we will be cheating the next generation of Chilton students who would love a nice telescope, say aye.
RORY: Wadsworth Mansion it is.
FRANCIE: Meeting dismissed. Chin up, well make it a really big tree.
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[Lorelai pulls up to the house and goes inside. Emily is trying to move Lorelais couch]
LORELAI: Hold it right there! Step back and move away from the couch.
EMILY: This couch cannot stay.
LORELAI: Yes, it can.
EMILY: Its awful.
LORELAI: It can hear you.
EMILY: Well, what about the chair? Let me move the chair.
LORELAI: No, the chair stays also.
EMILY: Well, we have to do something. I brought flowers over and cant find a decent vase. All I could find was a ceramic Betty Boop head.
LORELAI: Mom, youre making yourself crazy.
EMILY: I know. Well get some tarps and throw them over everything and tell her that youre painting.
LORELAI: Mom, stop it. What is so horrible about this room?
EMILY: Well, look at it.
LORELAI: I am. I like it.
EMILY: Well, you may like it, but your grandmother will not. Shes going to take one look around here at the junk store collection of hobo furniture and shes going to blame me.
LORELAI: For what?
EMILY: For letting you live like this. For not teaching you better. For not redecorating while youre out of town.
LORELAI: Well, were never out of town.
EMILY: For not sending you out of town so I could redecorate!
LORELAI: Mom, you dont believe that.
EMILY: Everything thats wrong in your life is my fault. Everything thats wrong in your fathers life is my fault. Basically, everythings that wrong is my fault.
LORELAI: Mom, would you sit down for a minute.
[They both sit on the couch]
EMILY: And its lumpy, perfect.
LORELAI: Mom, if I may, Id like to give you some advice.
EMILY: You would?
LORELAI: You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma.
EMILY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example.
EMILY: What about you?
LORELAI: Well, I know there are many things in my life you dont approve of.
EMILY: Like what?
LORELAI: Like this couch.
EMILY: Well, this couch is terrible.
LORELAI: Okay, good you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible mightve hurt my feelings, but not anymore.
EMILY: Why not?
LORELAI: Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, Im gonna be amused. Im gonna find it funny. Im even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it.
EMILY: You take pleasure in my disapproval?
LORELAI: I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh.
EMILY: I dont know what to think of that.
LORELAI: Think, hey, thats brilliant, because this idea could set you free.
LORELAI: Mom, what are you thinking about?
EMILY: That ridiculous Betty Boop head.
LORELAI: [smiles] Mmhmm. So am I.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Francie is walking down the hall when Rory pulls her into the bathroom]
RORY: Francie, so good of you to stop by. I know how busy you are. Gum?
FRANCIE: Whats your damage, Gilmore?
RORY: Damage? No damage. I just thought we should chat.
FRANCIE: Yeah? Well, I dont have any
RORY: Oh, you know what, I changed my mind. I dont think we should chat, I think I should chat. Ready? Okay. That little stunt you pulled not good.
RORY: Paris canceled that meeting.
FRANCIE: Something came up.
RORY: Then you should have brought it to Paris.
FRANCIE: Paris wasnt around. She was off yet again with the mystery man.
FRANCIE: Of Paris lobotomy victim? I think not.
RORY: What is wrong with you? So what if Paris has a boyfriend? You dont think that as hard as Paris works in school or on the Franklin or on student council - you dont think that she deserves to have a boyfriend and to enjoy it?
FRANCIE: Hey, no one is denying Gidget a chance to snag Moondoggie for the clambake, but the rest of us have things to accomplish.
RORY: Youve had one goal since the beginning of the year.
FRANCIE: To achieve the perfect liquid line.
RORY: To take Paris down.
FRANCIE: And to achieve the perfect liquid line.
RORY: I tried to intervene, I tried to smooth the path between both sides, but you know what? Thats over.
FRANCIE: Oh, it is?
RORY: Yes, it is. Im finished being your go-between. Youre a jerk, and if you wanna play it this way, then fine. All bets are off. Im no longer your ally. You wanna play rough fine. Ive read The Art of War. I can be just as big a pain in your butt as you are in Paris, capiche?
FRANCIE: You do not wanna be my enemy, Marlo Thomas.
RORY: I think I do, Tina Louise.
RORY: It is fine.
FRANCIE: Can I go now?
RORY: The doors right there.
FRANCIE: Youre gonna be very sorry.
RORY: Am I?
FRANCIE: Oh yes. . .you are.
RORY: Im good with that.
CUT TO LORELAIS LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai is upstairs, Rorys in her bedroom. They holler back and forth to each other off-screen]
RORY: Im running out of space.
LORELAI: How many bouquets you got left?
LORELAI: Can you put em on your dresser?
RORY: Dressers full.
LORELAI: Can you squish em in with another bunch?
RORY: Already squished.
LORELAI: Can you toss em out the window like I did my last five bouquets?
[Lorelai walks down the stairs as Rory walks to the living room]
LORELAI: Okay, so monkey lamps in the closet, singing rabbis in a drawer, and all Spice Girl memorabilias under your bed. How do I look?
RORY: Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia.
LORELAI: You look pretty, too.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: And I want a play-by-play of the carnival tonight.
RORY: I promise.
LORELAI: And you can leave out all the
RORY: Hand kissing sounds, gladly.
[theres a knock at the front door]
LORELAI: Oop, theyre here.
RORY: Hey, if she doesnt like the house what happens then?
LORELAI: I think we have to move. Smile pretty.
[they open the door]
LORELAI: Hi Mom, hi Dad, hi Gran. Was your trip good?
TRIX: The trip was fine. Hello Rory.
RORY: Hi Gran. Hi Grandma, hi Grandpa.
TRIX: Now that weve exhausted the greetings, kindly move aside. Id like to see your house.
LORELAI: Oh, come on in.
EMILY: If I pass out. . .
LORELAI: Ill yell timber. So, Gran, what do you think? I mean, its not much. Probably too modest for Korn, but Weezerd be pretty comfortable.
[Gran walks around silently exploring the main floor of the house as the others follow behind her. They follow her back to the living room.]
TRIX: Lets go.
RORY: Are we moving?
LORELAI: I dont know.
EMILY: Lorelai, I swear to God, if you prolong this evening. . .
RORY: Have fun.
EMILY: No one appreciates your sarcasm, young lady.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Rory and Jess walk down the sidewalk]
RORY: Boy, its pretty out tonight, isnt it?
JESS: Sure is.
RORY: Like a snow globe.
RORY: Sparkly. I mean, I dont think a night comes any prettier than this one. And if you take a really pretty night and add a corndog. . .
JESS: Im not going to that carnival with you.
RORY: Why not?
JESS: I will be in front of Miss Pattys at nine as promised.
RORY: You are stubborn and impossible.
JESS: See you at nine.
[Dean and his sister walk toward them]
RORY: Clara, hi!
CLARA: I havent seen you in forever.
RORY: Longer than forever.
DEAN: She got away from me.
JESS: Buy a stronger leash.
DEAN: Hey, uh, did you see they got the crazy psychic from Woodbury again?
RORY: Youre kidding. I thought she got arrested.
DEAN: Shes out now and sitting right over there.
RORY: I love her. She always tells me Im gonna be rich and famous.
DEAN: She tells everybody that theyre gonna be rich and famous.
CLARA: Who are you?
JESS: No one.
CLARA: Yes, you are.
JESS: No, Im not.
RORY: Thats Jess. Jess, this is Clara.
CLARA: Are you guys going to the carnival?
RORY: Im going, Jess isnt.
CLARA: Why not?
RORY: He has things to do.
CLARA: Then you can go with me and Dean, right?
RORY: Oh, well. . .
JESS: Im going.
JESS: To the carnival. Im going to the carnival.
CLARA: I thought you had things to do.
JESS: Well, I dont.
CLARA: Rory just said you had things to do.
JESS: Hey Tatu, just look at the plane, will ya?
RORY: Jess, you dont have to go. We can meet later like you said.
JESS: What? No. Come on, how many chances does a guy have to go to a Stars Hollow High winter carnival, right?
JESS: Okay, then. Lets go.
CLARA: To the carnival!
JESS: To the carnival.
CLARA: I want a pretzel and a snowcone and a cheese stick. . .
DEAN: Pace yourself.
CLARA: Rory never tells me to pace myself.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Lorelai, Emily, Richard, and Trix walk into the dining room]
LORELAI: And this is our dining room.
LORELAI: Or quaint.
RICHARD: Oh, youre in for a real treat, Trix. This Sookie is one of the best chefs around.
LORELAI: Heres our table, Gran. Why dont you sit here?
TRIX: All right. Well, Lorelai, I must say, on first viewing, this little inn of yours looks quite impressive.
LORELAI: Thank you.
TRIX: I mean, its certainly no arboretum, but its nice just the same.
EMILY: It was just a suggestion, Mom.
TRIX: Yes, it was. Oh, look, a menu.
RICHARD: Well, thats a nice little touch.
LORELAI: Well, Sookie wanted everything perfect for tonight.
MICHEL: Hey, there you are.
LORELAI: Oh, Michel, great. Gran, Id like you to meet Michel Gerard, our concierge. Michel, this is my grandmother, Lorelai.
MICHEL: Very pleased to meet you.
TRIX: Do you have a pen?
MICHEL: Uh, why, of course.
TRIX: Now, please take this to your chef. These are the times I would like each course to appear at this table. I like a brisk pace, twelve minutes per course is best for my digestion. However, please tell your servers that they are not to clear until everyone has finished. Thank you.
MICHEL: Oh, no, thank you. It is so rare that I get to carry a note anymore.
CUT TO CARNIVAL
CLARA: Is Jess your real name?
CLARA: Do you like it?
JESS: Its fine.
CLARA: Would you rather be named Bill?
JESS: Does this belong to you?
DEAN: Clara, you want a snowcone?
CLARA: Yes. Will you go get me a snowcone?
JESS: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, Ill be right back.
DEAN: Ill get your snowcone.
CLARA: And one for Rory, too.
DEAN: And one for Rory, too.
[Dean walks away]
CLARA: Do you wash your hair?
JESS: Yes, I wash my hair.
CLARA: Then why does it stick up like that?
CLARA: It looks crazy.
[Rory walks over to Lanes booth]
RORY: Hey, hows the fundraiser going? The turnout looks good.
LANE: The turnouts great. Apparently, people are starved for entertainment around here.
RORY: Well, hurrah for bad cable reception.
LANE: So, Im sorry, but did I just see you with Jess and Dean, or do I need a new prescription?
RORY: Your prescriptions fine.
LANE: So explain.
RORY: Tomorrow at Lukes. I need to get back before theres a more exciting ending to the evening.
LANE: Forget nothing.
RORY: I promise.
[Rory walks back to Jess and Clara. Jess is playing the Bottle Toss game]
CLARA: You missed. You missed. You missed.
JESS: Hey, you wanna learn how to fly?
RORY: Hows everybody doing?
CLARA: Jess cant throw.
JESS: I can, too.
CLARA: You missed every time.
JESS: I cant concentrate with your annoying midget voice yammering on and on. Its like having Stuart Little shoved in my ear.
[Dean walks over and hands Rory and Clara each a snowcone]
DEAN: Here. They only had cherry.
RORY: Oh, thats all we need.
DEAN: So, you play any of the games yet?
CLARA: Nope, Ive been watching him lose. You dont get a bear, but its still pretty fun.
DEAN: Well, how about I go beat you at ice bowling?
CLARA: You cant beat me.
DEAN: Oh, I think I can.
CLARA: Lets go!
DEAN: Well be back.
RORY: Okay. So, how much to play?
JESS: A dollar.
JESS: I got it.
RORY: Just for the record, Im a girl and we are supposed to throw like this.
JESS: So you got anything you wanna tell me?
RORY: I like your crazy hair.
JESS: You werent just gonna go to the carnival with Dean?
RORY: No. Running into them was a total coincidence. I swear.
RORY: Not even close.
JESS: So when did you and Dean get so buddy-buddy again?
RORY: Were not so buddy-buddy.
JESS: Last time I checked, you werent even speaking. Now hes fetching you snowcones?
RORY: He was getting one for Clara.
JESS: You guys talking?
RORY: No, were not talking. We talked, once.
JESS: You got my interest.
RORY: We ran into each other and he wanted to get coffee, so I did, and we talked.
RORY: Just boring things. Claras horseback riding, his college application, nothing earth shattering.
JESS: Uh huh.
RORY: And he asked if we could be friends, and I said sure.
RORY: Jess, he knows were together, okay? And its a small town. Dean and I will see it each other, and I just thought it wouldnt hurt to be polite.
JESS: So youre just being polite?
RORY: Yes. Dean has never done anything bad to me, and I just, I want to
JESS: I got it.
RORY: Youre mad.
JESS: Nope, just figured you couldve told me.
RORY: Im sorry.
JESS: No biggie. You gonna throw that?
RORY: Youre really not mad?
JESS: Nope, not mad at all.
RORY: And you understand?
JESS: I understand.
RORY: And you believe me?
JESS: Like youre standing with an ax next to a cherry tree.
RORY: And youre okay with it?
JESS: Will you just throw the ball?
RORY: Oh my God, I did it!
JESS: Very impressive.
BOY: Here you go, congratulations. [hands her a stuffed bear]
RORY: Thanks. Hello sad, pathetic bear.
JESS: You know, I couldve bought you that thing for a quarter.
RORY: No, its better that I won it. Maybe Clara would like it.
JESS: Yes, shoved in her mouth.
RORY: Shes cute.
JESS: Oh, just darling.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
RICHARD: And so far, knock wood, things seem to be picking up.
TRIX: Well, its about time you went into business. Oh, Emily, you shouldve encouraged him to do this years ago.
EMILY: Yes, I shouldve.
TRIX: Hes a go-getter, your father. Not completely dissimilar to yourself.
LORELAI: Thank you, Gran.
[Sookie walks over to them]
SOOKIE: Hello. Just wanted to check and see how your dinner was coming along.
LORELAI: Sookie, its amazing. Gran, this is our chef, Sookie.
TRIX: The food is excellent.
SOOKIE: Thank you very much.
TRIX: Young lady, your uniform has a large cut down the middle of your back.
SOOKIE: It does? Oh yeah, I did get myself, huh.
EMILY: Sookie, how on earth did you do that?
SOOKIE: Oh, well, I. . . and the the chop flew, so I lunged. . .and then the floor slipped. . . and then. . .ooh! You know, and I just. . .did a flip, ya know. I guess you just kind of had to be there.
TRIX: Yes, apparently so.
SOOKIE: Okay, well, nice to meet you. I have to get back. We have quite a tight schedule to follow.
TRIX: Yes, we do.
[Sookie walks away]
RICHARD: So, Trix, lets talk about the Hartford house. Do you have a new tenant lined up yet?
TRIX: Yes, I do.
RICHARD: Hmm. Who?
TRIX: I wasnt going to bring this up tonight, but since you asked, my health hasnt been too good lately.
RICHARD: What, whats the matter?
TRIX: What the matter is, Im not twenty. Anyhow, the weather in London is quite damp, and I have a yearning to be a little closer to my immediate family, so now that Korn has moved out of my house, I thought perhaps I would move back in.
LORELAI: Um, when, Gran?
TRIX: As soon as I can close up the London house and get my affairs in order.
RICHARD: Well, I think thats a wonderful idea. Im thrilled. In fact, Im so thrilled, Im not going to be angry with you for not telling me you were in ill health.
TRIX: I will be fine, Richard.
RICHARD: You will be fine, because as soon as youre back here, Im going to send you to the finest doctors.
TRIX: Whatever you say.
RICHARD: And Emily and I are going to look after you completely, day and night. You can count on us.
TRIX: I knew I could. Oh, its time for the next course. Waiter, our next course please.
EMILY: Im not done.
TRIX: What do you mean, youre not done? You had twelve minutes.
EMILY: Im not done.
TRIX: Fine, we will wait.
[Emily begins to slowly eat the rest of her meal]
LORELAI: Thatll do, pig. Thatll do.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH
[Dean is reading a bulletin board in the hallway]
JESS: Need some help with the big words?
DEAN: Sure. Why dont you come over here and Ill show you which ones giving me a hard time.
JESS: Youre getting a little pathetic man.
DEAN: Thanks for the heads up.
JESS: Lets be friends?
DEAN: No thanks.
JESS: You dont think I know what youre doing? You dont think its so pathetically transparent?
DEAN: Get out of here, Jess.
JESS: Rorys taking pity on you. Thats why the sudden interest in being your friend. You know that?
DEAN: Whatever you say.
JESS: The saddest part of this whole thing is. . .
DEAN: Man, you like hearing yourself talk.
JESS: You really think that by being her friend, youre gonna get her back.
DEAN: I dont know what youre talking about.
JESS: No, huh?
DEAN: Rory and I are just friends, just like you and Rory were just friends. And hey, look how it turned out for you.
[Clara walks out of the bathroom]
CLARA: Okay, Im ready for popcorn.
DEAN: You got it.
CLARA: Bye Jess. You think Rory wants some popcorn?
DEAN: I dont know. Lets go ask her.
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the front porch]
RORY: This is very impressive.
LORELAI: Not as impressive as my mother making four green beans last an hour and a half.
RORY: I wish Id seen that.
LORELAI: When she finally got to the last bean, she cut it in six pieces. I swear, I thought Gran was gonna lunge across the table at her.
RORY: The student surpasses the master.
LORELAI: I was a little proud. Although Im bummed I missed the carnival.
RORY: Theres a snowcone in the freezer for you.
LORELAI: Howd it finally end with Cheech and Chong?
RORY: Jess knows Im friends with Dean, Dean knows Im dating Jess, and they both seem fine with it. What?
LORELAI: I just like that once in awhile, you still seem like a little kid.
RORY: They do, I swear.
LORELAI: Lets just watch the snow.