written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Steven Robman
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory are walking slowly down the sidewalk]
LORELAI: Mmkay, still walking, alls good. Huh. Mmkay.
RORY: How are you?
LORELAI: I should probably keep moving.
RORY: God, my feet have never been in this much pain before.
LORELAI: Oh yeah, what about that time?
RORY: What time?
LORELAI: The time when I did the thing and your feet were . . .gotta stop.
RORY: Gotta sit.
[they sit down on a bale of hay]
RORY: Ugh. What were you saying?
LORELAI: About what?
RORY: About my feet.
LORELAI: What about your feet?
RORY: I dont know. You were talking about the thing you did to my feet.
LORELAI: What thing?
RORY: The thing that you. . .you and. . .huh?
RORY: I dont know.
LORELAI: Just an observation you and I do not function well on a funky sleeping pattern.
RORY: I feel jet-lagged.
LORELAI: Youve been up twenty-four hours straight.
RORY: Yes, why did I do that?
LORELAI: Because I asked you to.
RORY: And that worked?
LORELAI: At the time. I dont expect it to again.
RORY: A realist, I like that.
LORELAI: How far is Lukes?
RORY: Its right over there.
LORELAI: It looks far.
RORY: Very far.
LORELAI: Maybe if we concentrate really hard, our combined psychic powers will move it closer.
[they stare at the diner]
RORY: I dont think its working.
LORELAI: Its my fault, Im not focusing.
RORY: Yes, that must be why we cant move a half a city block closer to us.
LORELAI: All right then, lets go. On the count of three.
[Neither of them move]
CUT TO LUKES DINER
[Lorelai and Rory walk in]
LORELAI: Oh my God. Thank you.
RORY: I never realized Lukes was a hundred miles away.
LORELAI: Were lucky it wasnt snowing. It wouldve been The Donner Party all over again, but with slightly better hair. Why are you sitting over there?
LORELAI: At that table.
RORY: Huh. How did I get here?
LORELAI: You sat there.
RORY: Well, this chairs very close to that chair, so you understand how I couldve made the mistake.
LORELAI: Move over here with me.
RORY: Why dont you move over here with me?
LORELAI: Because Im not the one who sat in the wrong chair.
RORY: I think its a little presumptuous to assume that my chair is the wrong chair when my chair could just as easily be the right chair.
LORELAI: Because Im the leader of the clan, the provider of the household, the alpha male, and the one whose feet just fell asleep so theres absolutely no chance of movement.
LORELAI: Thank you. See, its nice sitting at the grown-up table, isnt it?
RORY: Uh huh.
[Kirk enters the diner carrying his dance marathon trophy]
KIRK: Oh, excuse me, did my trophy bump you?
LORELAI: No, Kirk, it didnt.
KIRK: Good, because the size of it is so large that sometimes I cant judge where the exact end of it is.
LORELAI: Were fine, Kirk.
KIRK: Im glad, because these shiny golden edges are actually very sharp. They could take an eye out or cause a deep gash completely unintentionally.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
KIRK: Its almost more a weapon than a trophy.
LORELAI: Really? Can I hold it, then?
LUKE: Get out of the way, Kirk. Youre blocking the door.
KIRK: Luke, Ill be needing one of your larger tables this morning, since your smaller tables simply cannot accommodate the sheer size of my massive trophy.
LUKE: Put it on the floor.
KIRK: It needs its own chair.
LUKE: Its gonna need some glue if you dont sit down pretty soon.
KIRK: Everybody hates a winner.
LORELAI: Hey, how bout one person gets pancakes and one person gets eggs and then we can share?
RORY: I cant, I have to go.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? Its
[Rory shows Lorelai her watch]
LORELAI: [gasps] It took us thirty minutes to get here?
RORY: Lots of limping.
LORELAI: Wow, shoot. Well, at least grab a donut before you go. Hey, unh, Luke, uh, we need a couple of donuts, and, uh, some of those extra legs Heather Mills is sending over to Croatia.
LUKE: Coming right up.
[Jess walks down from upstairs]
RORY: I have to get to school.
JESS: Yeah, me too.
JESS: Bye. Bye.
[Rory leaves. Jess goes back upstairs]
LUKE: What the hell was that?
LORELAI: That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.
LORELAI: Rory and Jess are together.
LUKE: Are you serious? What about Dean?
LORELAI: Dean and Rory broke up at the dance.
LUKE: They did? I was at the dance, how come I didnt know about this?
LORELAI: Because youre you.
LUKE: But why, what happened?
LORELAI: Jess happened.
LUKE: Wow, wow. So. . .
LUKE: Wow. Well, this is great.
LORELAI: Ill tell Dean you said that.
LUKE: You know what I mean, Rory and Jess, Jess and Rory. I think this is great. Dont you think this is great?
LORELAI: I think Rorys seventeen and its probably about time for a Jess.
LUKE: Look, I know Jess is a little tough sometimes, but he likes Rory and Rorys a good kid, hopefully shell rub off on him.
LORELAI: You know what, Ive spent a lot of time and energy fighting the whole Jess thing. Rorys made her choice, I want her to be happy. Im just hoping for the best at this point.
LUKE: Very romantic.
LORELAI: Says the man who yelled "Finally!" at the end of Love Story.
LUKE: Ill get you coffee.
LORELAI: Thank you very much.
CUT TO THE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai, Rory, and Richard are sitting at the table. Emily is standing at the doorway to the kitchen]
EMILY: Do it again, please! [walks to her seat at the table] Im not quite sure what other way there is to say no walnuts in the salad except to say no walnuts in the salad.
LORELAI: Mom, she just made a mistake.
EMILY: She doesnt listen, she doesnt care, she has no work ethic.
LORELAI: She has some work ethic. You made her remake the salad four times.
EMILY: I like things done correctly.
RICHARD: Preferably the first time.
EMILY: Thank you, Richard.
LORELAI: You know, Mom, in Europe, they eat the salad last and the main course first.
EMILY: Were not in Europe.
LORELAI: We could pretend.
EMILY: Really, Lorelai, you cant wait ten minutes for another salad? The situations that dire?
LORELAI: Four salads ago, no, not dire. Right now its your money for nothing and your chicks for free.
RORY: She didnt have lunch.
RICHARD: Where are you going?
EMILY: Apparently, were going to be European tonight.
RICHARD: Oh, wonderful. I was getting so tired of being American day after day after day.
LORELAI: God, Im starved.
RORY: Think about something else.
LORELAI: Like what?
RORY: Something disgusting that will take your appetite away.
LORELAI: Ari Fleischer?
RICHARD: Ari Fleischer is our nations mouthpiece, young lady.
LORELAI: Officially not hungry now.
EMILY: Liliana will be right out with the sand dabs. Im afraid were going to have to let her go, Richard.
RICHARD: Oh, if thats how you feel, Emily.
LORELAI: Youre firing someone over putting walnuts in a salad?
EMILY: Im going to fire someone over putting walnuts in the salad after she was told not to put walnuts in the salad.
LORELAI: Mom, you know, if youre not a little nicer to your help, you might find yourself in a Frank Lloyd Wright situation.
RICHARD: Frank Lloyd Wright?
EMILY: What on earth does Frank Lloyd Wright have to do with my salad?
RICHARD: And your walnuts.
LORELAI: Mrs. Wright apparently had this major problem with her help. She was very rough on them and they totally hated her. So this guy who had worked for her forever, he had finally had enough. I believe the incident was over walnuts, wasnt it, honey?
RORY: The exact cause has not been proven.
LORELAI: Anyhow, Mrs. Wright invites this whole posse of people over for dinner and theyre all sitting around eating, and Mr. Disgruntled Servant Guy goes outside and locks all the doors and windows and douses the whole house in gasoline and sets the place on fire.
EMILY: My goodness.
LORELAI: So the house is on fire, and people are freaking out, so they run to the doors but the doors are locked, so a few of them try to get out through the windows, but Mr. Angry-Puss is standing outside with an ax hacking them to death and so they all died.
EMILY: Why on earth would you tell me that story?
LORELAI: All Im saying is sometimes eating a walnut is preferable to getting hacked to death or set on fire during dinner.
EMILY: One of these days Im going to make you eat in your room.
RORY: Im going to go get myself another soda. Would anyone else like something?
LORELAI: Id like a big bag of walnuts, and make sure you tell her theyre for me.
RICHARD: I believe I need a little more ice. Emily, are you fine?
EMILY: Yes, Richard, Im fine, thank you.
[Lorelai sniffs the air]
EMILY: Oh, stop that!
CUT TO THE KITCHEN
[Rory pulls a soda out of the fridge as Richard walks in]
RICHARD: Did you find it?
RORY: Yes, I did.
RICHARD: Good, good. Ah, here we are, ice. And. . .chocolates.
RORY: Bless you.
RICHARD: So, tell me, hows it going at school?
RORY: Its good. Its crazy.
RICHARD: Senior year.
RICHARD: Preparing for college can be a daunting task. I remember when I was preparing for Yale.
RICHARD: I dont believe I slept the entire year. I didnt even cut my hair for two months.
RICHARD: Oh, yes, it was quite a scandal. But in the end, it was all worth it.
RICHARD: My years at Yale were absolutely the most gratifying ones of my life. Just the sheer freedom of knowing that anything I wanted to learn, I could learn right there. Plus, the history of the place, the heritage. . .my father went to Yale.
RORY: I know.
RICHARD: I also made wonderful friends there. Friends I still have today.
RORY: That must be nice.
RICHARD: Im going to be going back there next week. Theres going to be a little reunion of the Whiffenpoofs.
RORY: Im sorry, the what?
RICHARD: Its an a cappella singing group I belonged to at Yale.
RORY: A singing group?
RICHARD: A very famous singing group, actually. Like the Beatles, but with better table manners.
RORY: Ive never heard you sing.
RICHARD: Well, Im no Perry Como, but my shower hasnt kicked me out yet. Anyway, a group of us are going to get together at the old alma mater and have a little dinner, swap some war stories.
RORY: Sounds fun.
[the maid walks by with a tray]
MAID: Excuse me.
RORY: Uh, did you see what I just saw?
RORY: Poor Grandma.
RICHARD: Poor us. You know, you might wanna come with me next week.
RORY: Come with you where?
RICHARD: To Yale.
RICHARD: Oh, I dont mean to the dinner, that would be boring for you, but you might enjoy seeing the school.
RICHARD: Your mother could come to. It would be a fun little adventure.
RICHARD: We could drive down, have a little roadside snack, get there about noon. Have a little tour, and then the two of you girls could go off and have fun, and the old folks can have a somber little dinner. I think youd love to see it. I certainly would love to show it to you.
RORY: Well. . .sure, Grandpa. That would be nice.
RICHARD: Wonderful. Oh, Im thrilled. Uh, do you wanna tell your mother or shall I?
RORY: Oh, you know what, I can tell her.
RICHARD: All right, you tell her. [the maid rushes past them again] Looks like were gonna need a few more of these.
CUT TO OUTSIDE THE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[Lorelai and Rory walk out of the house]
LORELAI: Okay, I officially vote that we send my mother an anonymous note requesting that she never make us the sand dabs again.
RORY: Im not sure how anonymous it would be considering she said we were the first people she ever made them for.
[they get into the car and Lorelai starts the engine]
RORY: I have to tell you something.
RORY: Grandpa talked to me tonight.
[Lorelai turns off the engine]
RORY: Whyd you turn the car off?
LORELAI: Im just getting the sense that I shouldnt be driving a large vehicle when you tell me this.
RORY: Its no big deal.
LORELAI: Uh huh.
RORY: Its not.
LORELAI: Then tell me.
RORY: Okay. Um, well, Grandpa was mentioning that he and Grandma are going on a trip next week, a driving trip somewhere, and he invited me to go. And you. He invited you and me to go on a trip with him and Grandma.
LORELAI: Wheres the driving trip to?
[Lorelai gets out of the car and walks toward the porch. Rory follows her]
RORY: Mom? Mom, wait.
LORELAI: No, its okay, I got it.
RORY: Hes going for some nostalgia thing. For a reunion of, I dont know, the Whiffenhoofs.
RORY: Not much better.
LORELAI: I totally agree.
RORY: Well, he got all sentimental and he really just wants to show me the campus. Its no big deal.
LORELAI: Its a huge deal.
LORELAI: Theres a reason he wants to drag you out there, Rory. Hes manipulating you. Trust me, I know, hes a master at it.
RORY: Okay, fine, maybe he is, but he really wants me to go, I can tell. And you dont have to go. I mean, he invited you and I would really love it if you could come, but really, you can stay home. Just please dont make a big thing out of this. This doesnt have to be a fight.
RORY: We go. We look. Hi Yale. Bye Yale. Its over. No harm, no foul.
LORELAI: How many more two-word sentences can you come up with?
RORY: You know, it doesnt have to be a total loss.
LORELAI: Look, as shes leading me back to the car.
RORY: Im sure you and I can figure out a fun thing to do while theyre off at dinner, some cool road trip thing.
LORELAI: In New Haven?
RORY: Well, yeah.
LORELAI: Sweetie, have you ever been to New Haven?
LORELAI: Take a look at the coffee pot tomorrow before I clean it, thats New Haven.
RORY: We can make it fun. It would mean a lot to the grandparents, everybody wins.
LORELAI: Rory, listen to me.
RORY: I know, I am being manipulated. This is part of Grandpas evil plan to take over my life, abolish my free will, pull me in into the Gilmore world, dress me in pearls, and ruin my life. Did I leave anything out?
LORELAI: Mm, let me see. . . manipulate, evil plan, no free will, pearls no, I think you about covered it. Oh, wait did you call my father the Puppet Master?
RORY: No, I did not.
LORELAI: Always call him the Puppet Master.
RORY: I will never make that mistake again.
CUT TO LUKES DINER
[Luke is cleaning off a table as Kirk walks in]
KIRK: Luke, wheres your lost and found?
LUKE: Out back in the dumpster.
KIRK: I need your help. I dont know what to do. Im shaking like a spastic colon.
LUKE: Whats the matter, Kirk?
KIRK: My trophys gone.
KIRK: Someone took her.
KIRK: The last time I remember seeing her, she was next to me at the movies.
LUKE: Stop calling it she.
KIRK: I retraced my steps all day and nothing. I suspect foul play.
LUKE: Foul play?
KIRK: Kidnapping, possibly.
LUKE: Well, then, I think you should go to the police, and if they mention something about staying somewhere for observation, its just routine.
[Kirk starts to leave as Rory walks in]
RORY: Hey Kirk.
KIRK: Rory. [looks into her backpack]
RORY: What are you doing?
KIRK: Where were you this morning at about ten?
RORY: At school.
KIRK: Do you have any witnesses?
KIRK: Can you get them to make a short statement?
KIRK: Oh, well, okay. [leaves]
RORY: Someone took his statue again.
LUKE: Yeah, yeah.
RORY: Every year.
LUKE: Well, theres some things in life that never let you down. So. . .
RORY: So. . .
LUKE: Its nice to see you, Rory.
RORY: Its nice to see you, too, Luke.
LUKE: So, table for one?
RORY: Um, Ill just sit at the counter.
LUKE: Okay. What can I get you?
RORY: Um, I guess Ill have a cheeseburger.
[Jess walks down from upstairs]
LUKE: Hey Jess, look whos here Rory.
LUKE: Okay, time to add another word. Jess, you want something to eat?
JESS: Im not hungry.
RORY: Oh, yeah, Im not hungry either.
LUKE: What about the burger?
RORY: Oh, well. . .could you wrap it up? Im gonna eat it later. I actually prefer burgers after theyve been sitting around for awhile. Lets them age.
JESS: You know, Ive got that book upstairs.
RORY: Oh, the book we talked about?
JESS: We could go upstairs and look at it.
RORY: Look at the book, sure. Lets go upstairs and look at the book.
CUT TO LUKES APARTMENT
[Rory and Jess walk in]
JESS: So, here we are.
RORY: Yup, here we are. Wow, I havent seen it since you guys redid it.
JESS: Oh yeah.
RORY: Its bigger.
JESS: Ripping a wall down can have that effect on a room
RORY: Yeah. That part, over there.
JESS: Thats mine.
JESS: Yeah. You want a soda?
RORY: No, Im fine.
JESS: Okay. You sure you dont want a soda?
RORY: Yeah, Im sure.
JESS: Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.
RORY: Take comfort in the fact that you are not doing it alone.
JESS: Okay, lets just regroup here.
RORY: Yeah, regroup.
JESS: First of all, we should try to get within, say, a foot of each other.
RORY: Okay. I think thats about a foot.
JESS: Huh, that school of yours is really paying off.
RORY: So, now what?
JESS: Now we should. . .
RORY: Well, I think we either need to get a little closer or need to warm up.
JESS: Okay. Hi.
[they start to kiss when Luke bursts into the room]
LUKE: I got the burger.
RORY: Thank you.
LUKE: I also threw in some fries.
RORY: Fries, great. I love fries. Okay, um, Jess, thank you for. . .um, your. . .um I gotta go. [leaves]
LUKE: What was going on up here?
LUKE: Nothing? I walk in here and the two of you are like shrapnel.
JESS: Your timing is perfect, by the way. Next time Ill hang a sock on the door.
LUKE: Hey, there will be no hanging of socks on the door in my house, do you hear me?
JESS: Relax, I was kidding.
LUKE: Oh, really? Hanging socks on doors thats your idea of funny.
JESS: Depending on the sock design, could be hilarious.
LUKE: Okay, thats it, sit down.
LUKE: Its time to lay down a few ground rules, sit. All right, first off, when she is up here, that door stays open.
JESS: Excuse me?
LUKE: You are not allowed on either end of this apartment. You are, instead, to remain here in the middle portion of the room. You may sit on the couch or on the chair, as long as you two are sitting on separate seats, i.e. when youre on the couch, then shes on the chair. When shes on the couch, then youre on the chair.
JESS: I get it, thank you.
LUKE: On weekdays, you will have her home by nine. On weekends, you will have her home by eleven. Any evidence of alcohol, cigarette smoke, or anything else that Nancy Reagan would find unacceptable and you will not be allowed near her without an adult present. Are these rules clear?
JESS: May I speak?
LUKE: If you must.
JESS: Do you want me to have you committed or would you prefer to check yourself in?
LUKE: Im not joking here, mister.
JESS: You know youre my guardian, not hers, right?
LUKE: You dont need a guardian.
JESS: She tried to kiss me.
JESS: She did that thing where you stretch and then you put your arm around the other persons shoulder and then you sneeze and then your hand falls and you try to grab
LUKE: Jess, stop it.
JESS: What do you think is gonna happen?
LUKE: You know what I think is gonna happen.
JESS: No, I dont. Tell me. Tell me what Im gonna do to her.
LUKE: Youre not gonna do anything to her because when youre at her place, theres Lorelai, and when youre here, theres me, and when youre out there, theres Taylor.
JESS: Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know?
LUKE: Well, as soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, Ill get worried. Until then, do your homework.
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[Lorelai walks into the kitchen with a duffel bag]
LORELAI: Rory, lets move! Theyll be here any minute.
RORY: Ill be right there.
LORELAI: And make sure to bring an extra coat.
LORELAI: Do not ask why. Its Gilmore road rules, trust me.
RORY: But that doesnt make any sense. Were only gonna be gone for one day.
LORELAI: Yeah, do me a favor, say those exact words to my mother when she shows up.
RORY: Taking the coat.
LORELAI: Now, I have been doing some research on our trip.
RORY: Oh yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah. I went to the bookstore and I found this. [shows Rory a very thin book]
RORY: "The Best of New Haven."
RORY: Its light.
LORELAI: Its New Haven. Anyhow, I looked through it and it just so happens that one of the best taco places on the East Coast is ten minutes from campus.
RORY: We like tacos.
LORELAI: Yes, we do. [reads] "You havent had a taco until youve spent some time at Hectors, crisp and meaty "
LORELAI: Thank you. "Not greasy. With homemade tortillas, it elevates this fast finger food to the level of haute cuisine."
RORY: Sounds good.
LORELAI: Yeah, so I thought maybe when Dad was busy poofing it up, we could go say hello to Hector.
RORY: I like your thinking.
LORELAI: Good. Wheres your stuff?
RORY: I put the extra coat by the door.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but wheres your stuff?
RORY: What stuff?
LORELAI: Rory, I left a list on your dresser last night.
RORY: I thought you were kidding.
LORELAI: You didnt pack?
[They walk into Rorys bedroom]
LORELAI: Rory, let me explain something to you. The way you survive a road trip with my mother is to make sure you have all your bases covered, leave nothing to chance. Never give her the opportunity to give you a thirty-minute lecture on how, if youd brought the second bathing suit like she told you to, it wouldnt have mattered that the first ones strap broke in a freak poolslide incident that no one, including the Amazing Kreskin, couldve predicted, you wouldve been covered.
RORY: I have to bring a bathing suit? Its thirty degrees outside.
LORELAI: This was an example based on a true story. Now, get a skirt to go with this.
RORY: But Im still confused. When are we changing?
LORELAI: Not the point.
RORY: Were driving, were walking, were eating tacos, and were driving again.
LORELAI: Check the list.
RORY: Why do I need rain boots?
LORELAI: Why are you still questioning me?
RORY: Should I bring both a rain hat and an umbrella, or will one or the other do? Forget it, stupid question.
[Lorelai finds the bracelet that Dean made for Rory on the dresser]
LORELAI: Oh wow. I guess this means there really isnt a Dean anymore, huh?
RORY: Yeah, that and it broke in the shower this morning. Though I probably wouldve taken it off anyway.
LORELAI: Or Jess wouldve done it for you.
RORY: What did that mean?
LORELAI: It just meant Jess wouldnt want you wearing another guys bracelet.
RORY: Or that Jess is a thief and he wouldve stolen it.
LORELAI: It does work on both levels, doesnt it?
RORY: So this is how its gonna be from now on?
LORELAI: What does that mean?
RORY: You like Dean and you hate Jess.
RORY: Jess will always be the evil guy who mouthed off to you and wrecked my car and Dean will always be the perfect guy who would come over and change the water bottle.
LORELAI: Aw, I forgot about the water bottle.
LORELAI: Rory, I said nothing. I didnt mean what you thought I meant about Jess. Im trying to be supportive about this.
RORY: How supportive?
LORELAI: Supportive. You know, go team.
RORY: Im serious, I wanna know how its gonna be. Like, can I invite him over?
LORELAI: Of course you can invite him over.
RORY: Well, can he actually come into the house?
LORELAI: Yes, he can come into the house.
RORY: Are you going to talk to him?
LORELAI: Oh my God.
RORY: Are you going to talk to him?
LORELAI: Ill at least match him grunt for grunt.
RORY: Okay. Now, lets say hes in the house and theres a fire, and you can either save him or your shoes which is it?
LORELAI: That depends did he start the fire?
LORELAI: Rory, I promised you before and Im promising you again, I will cut this kid all kinds of slack. Did I like Dean? Yes. Did I worry about you less when you were with Dean? Yes. But I never expected you to be with Dean forever, just like I dont expect you to be with Jess forever.
RORY: Oh, so now youre just waiting for the day Im not with Jess anymore, is that it?
LORELAI: You know what, Im actually looking forward to my mother getting here.
RORY: Im kidding and thank you.
LORELAI: Youre annoying, and youre welcome. [doorbell rings] Let the games begin.
CUT TO THE FRONT DOOR
[Emily and Richard are standing on the porch]
EMILY: Your drivers have arrived.
RORY: Hi Grandma, hi Grandpa.
RICHARD: Hello Rory, hello Lorelai. What a perfect day for a drive.
LORELAI: Sure is.
EMILY: You brought an umbrella?
RORY: And a rain cap.
RICHARD: Here, let me help you with those.
[As they walk to the car, Emily notices Lorelai is carrying a coffee travel mug]
EMILY: Where are you going with that?
LORELAI: To the car.
EMILY: You cant have that in the car.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: Well, then, what are you doing with it?
LORELAI: Walking it.
LORELAI: Mom, I know I cant have it in the car. It will not be in the car.
RICHARD: Is that everything?
LORELAI: Yes, I think so.
RICHARD: All right, then. Lets get this show on the road.
[Lorelai gets in the back seat and holds the mug out the window]
EMILY: Now lets see you drink it.
[Lorelai sticks her head out the window and takes a sip]
LORELAI: Mm, good to the last drop.
EMILY: You stay that way until its gone.
LORELAI: Aye, aye, captain.
EMILY: Lets go Richard.
RICHARD: All right-y.
[Richard pulls away while Lorelai drinks her coffee out the window]
CUT TO YALE UNIVERSITY
[The four of them are walking through the campus]
LORELAI: Wow, does that guy look smart. I mean it, hes got the smart look down. The glasses, the furrowed brow, the ticky walk.
RORY: The Kierkergaard.
LORELAI: I really think its the walk.
RORY: Well, we are at Yale, you know. There are smart people here.
LORELAI: I know there are smart people here. I just didnt realize how many. I bet if I pulled my checkbook out now, twelve guys could help me balance it.
RICHARD: Thirteen if you were near the right building.
RORY: Grandpa, that art gallery was amazing. Thank you.
RICHARD: Yale has one of the finest collections of British art in the world.
LORELAI: Louvre, schmouvre.
RICHARD: Oh, I spent a lot of time in that gallery as a young man.
EMILY: Ill say you did.
LORELAI: What was that Ill say you did?
EMILY: I just remember that that gallery was one of your fathers favorite places to bring the ladies.
EMILY: Its where you took me on our first date.
LORELAI: So, Dad liked to impress em with the paintings.
RICHARD: Why did you bring this up?
EMILY: He was a master of the frown, step back, wrinkle and sigh.
LORELAI: The what?
EMILY: Frown. Step back. Wrinkle. And sigh.
RICHARD: I did no such thing.
EMILY: And then hed talk about the paintings he had seen in Paris and the colors of Titian, and by the end of the date, you thought he was the most brilliant man in the entire world.
LORELAI: Using Titian to score. Even Titian didnt do that.
RICHARD: You shouldnt tell them this. Theyll think I was some kind of lothario.
EMILY: Well, you were.
RICHARD: I was just a young single man who wanted to experience life.
LORELAI: Dont ever fall for that line.
RORY: I promise.
RICHARD: You know, Emily, you werent such an innocent little doe lost in the woods yourself.
EMILY: I beg your pardon?
LORELAI: Theyre turning on each other, I love it.
RICHARD: Ill have you know, I was happily involved in a very serious relationship when your mother decided she simply had to have me.
EMILY: Oh, the size of your ego, I swear.
RICHARD: Linny Lott.
EMILY: That mouse?
RICHARD: Oh, that mouse and I were engaged.
EMILY: Oh, you were not.
RICHARD: Id given her my pin, Id introduced her to my parents.
RICHARD: The date was set, invitations mailed out.
EMILY: Well, you couldnt marry Linny Lott. That woman needed directions to get to a point.
EMILY: Richard Gilmore, you are going to give these girls the wrong impression.
RORY: What impression is that, Grandma?
LORELAI: That you were the Helena Bonham Carter of the society set?
EMILY: I did not steal your grandfather, I simply gave him a choice.
RICHARD: When you showed up at my fraternity party in that blue dress, I had no choice.
LORELAI: You stole my father with fashion.
EMILY: I cant believe you remember the dress.
LORELAI: I cant believe you were the other woman.
EMILY: Oh, this is ridiculous.
LORELAI: Another woman should be saying this is ridiculous.
EMILY: Will you stop?
[they stop next to a trash can]
RICHARD: Well. . .
EMILY: Well what?
RICHARD: You mean you dont remember?
EMILY: Oh my God! There was a bench here.
RICHARD: They moved it last year.
EMILY: I cant believe this.
LORELAI: Me either. What if we wanted to sit down?
EMILY: This is where your father proposed?
RICHARD: Thats right.
LORELAI: By the trash can.
EMILY: Thats right.
LORELAI: Well, thats very romantic. . .especially if you need to spit your gum out.
EMILY: We were going to meet my girlfriends who were going to drive me back to school.
RICHARD: And you were angry with me.
EMILY: Because you wouldnt commit to plans for the holidays.
RICHARD: Because I was going to invite you to the house to meet my parents after I proposed.
EMILY: Which I didnt know because you gave me no indication whatsoever.
RICHARD: Anyway, you had just finished calling me a spineless jellyfish.
EMILY: And you got very annoyed, reached in your pocket, pulled out a box and said, "Here."
RICHARD: And you opened the box, showed no emotion, slammed it close and said, "Fine."
EMILY: Yes, I did.
[they kiss over the trash can]
RORY: Thats so sweet.
EMILY: Oh no, my button broke.
LORELAI: Oh yeah? Let me see.
EMILY: It just broke in two and fell.
LORELAI: Well, let me look, Mom.
EMILY: Its a broken button, what is there to look at?
LORELAI: All right, then, I think theres a bathroom over there.
EMILY: What can we do in a bathroom?
LORELAI: Meet George Michael.
LORELAI: Lets go.
[cut to inside the bathroom]
EMILY: I dont believe it. This is a brand new skirt.
LORELAI: Mom, let me see.
EMILY: I have this dinner to go tonight. What am I going to do?
LORELAI: Drink a lot. Its easier to explain not wearing a skirt if youre falling down drunk.
EMILY: Thank you for the advice.
LORELAI: You know, I can rig this til you get home.
EMILY: You can?
LORELAI: Yeah, just give me five seconds here.
[pulls something out of her purse]
EMILY: What is that?
LORELAI: Its a paper clip.
EMILY: And what do you intend to do with that paper clip?
LORELAI: I intend to carve something really dirty into the bathroom door.
LORELAI: What rhymes with Nantucket?
EMILY: Im standing here holding my skirt.
LORELAI: Im gonna put this paper clip through the buttonhole and then through the thread that used to hold the button, and then youre gonna put your jacket back on and there you go.
EMILY: Thats ingenious.
LORELAI: I know. If I had a thumbtack, I could make a scud missile.
EMILY: You know, your fathers having a wonderful time.
LORELAI: Well, good.
EMILY: It means a lot to him to share this with Rory.
LORELAI: I know.
EMILY: Actually, it means a lot to him to share this with you and Rory. Its very nice that youre here.
LORELAI: Nice for you. I just found out youre not supposed to be my real mother, so Im a little scarred.
[cut to Richard and Rory outside]
RICHARD: See that? That is my favorite building in the whole school.
RORY: It is?
RICHARD: Yes, it is.
RICHARD: Because thats where the Timothy Dwight Dining Hall is.
RORY: I thought campus food was supposed to be disgusting.
RICHARD: Not Yale food. They have the most delicious pot roast youve ever tasted.
RORY: I love pot roast.
RICHARD: Who doesnt love pot roast? Are you having a good time?
RORY: Im having a very good time.
RICHARD: Im glad. Its nice being able to show this place to another Gilmore generation. You know, one day, when your mother was ten years old, she ran into my office and she said, "Im going to go to Yale, just like you." She actually took my diploma out of my office and put it in her room. She wouldnt give it back to me for about six months. This place makes you remember things. Hopefully, things youre being graded on.
[Emily and Lorelai walk over]
EMILY: All right, were all in one piece again.
RICHARD: Oh, glad to hear it. Shall we continue?
LORELAI: Okay, but youre not gonna show me the vending machine where I was conceived, are you? Cause I dont think I can take it.
CUT TO INSIDE THE YALE ADMINISTRATION BUILDING
[The four of them are walking through a large building]
LORELAI: Lions and tigers and bears. . .
RORY: Oh my.
RICHARD: Its impressive, isnt it?
LORELAI: Yeah, Id like to open a checking account, please.
RORY: What is this place?
RICHARD: This is the main administration building. Professors offices, the deans office. Some of the best scotch in the country can be found behind those doors.
LORELAI: Not sure how to take that, Dad.
RICHARD: Come on. Ah, follow me, please.
LORELAI: Whats he so excited about?
EMILY: Oh, who knows? Dickens must have dropped a pencil here at some point.
RICHARD: Rory, this is the office of a very dear friend of mine. His name is Harris Fellows, and he just happens to be the Dean of Admissions.
RICHARD: Thats right. And I called him just before we came down and I asked him if he had a little time to squeeze you in and he said yes.
RORY: Squeeze me in?
RICHARD: For an interview.
LORELAI: An interview for what, Dad?
RICHARD: An interview for Yale.
RICHARD: Oh, I told him all about you and your grades and how well you were doing at Chilton. Well, of course, he insisted on seeing you. He wouldnt let me off the hook.
RORY: But I havent applied to Yale.
RICHARD: Oh, I told him that you werent finished deciding, that you were being very picky. I think that made him want you even more. They can be very competitive, these Ivy League schools. Hes expecting you at three. Oh, look, its three now. Well, we timed this perfectly now, didnt we? Come on, Ill walk you in. Uh, well be right back.
LORELAI: Rory, honey, you dont have to go in there.
RICHARD: What? Well, of course shes going to go in there.
LORELAI: Rory, honey, the only person Im talking to, you dont have to go in there if you dont want to.
RICHARD: Lorelai, the man is waiting.
LORELAI: You wanna leave? Cause we could just leave.
RORY: No, its okay. Ill go in.
RICHARD: Harris is a very nice man, Rory. I think you two are really going to hit it off. Come on, Ill walk you in.
[Richard and Rory walk into the office while Lorelai and Emily wait in the hall]
EMILY: My skirt seems to be holding up very well. Lorelai
[Richard walks out of the office]
RICHARD: She shook his hand. She just reached out and shook his hand. It completely threw him off. I swear, that girl.
LORELAI: You know what, I almost feel like a standing ovation is in order.
RICHARD: If youre going to get dramatic, lets go outside. It echoes in here.
LORELAI: What did you think you were doing?
RICHARD: I thought I was helping my granddaughter get into what is, in my opinion, the best Ivy League school in America.
LORELAI: Even though she doesnt wanna go here?
RICHARD: She doesnt know she doesnt want to go here.
LORELAI: Youre unbelievable, Dad. You corner her alone the other night, without me there.
RICHARD: Of course I did. You wouldnt let her go.
LORELAI: Oh, I wouldnt?
RICHARD: I knew that the last thing in the world that you could want would be for Rory to go to Yale.
LORELAI: And the reason for that would be?
RICHARD: I went to Yale, therefore Rory cant.
LORELAI: Oh, thats right, the crazy reason.
RICHARD: Thats all right. Its your prerogative to feel that way. Its mine to make sure that Rory at least knows all her options.
LORELAI: Arent you supposed to slap my face with a glove before you do this?
RICHARD: Im not going to discuss this with you.
LORELAI: Well, you lied to everybody, Dad. You lied to me, you lied to Rory, Im looking at Mom and Im thinking you lied to her, too.
EMILY: Lorelai, please, lets try and calm down.
RICHARD: This is for Rorys own good.
LORELAI: Rorys going to Harvard.
RICHARD: Well see.
LORELAI: No, Rorys going to Harvard. Its already been decided without you, get it? You dont control it. And that little stunt of yours doesnt change that fact one bit.
RICHARD: Im sorry about the way it had to be done, but I didnt want to argue with you about it.
LORELAI: My whole life, you have tried to control everything, and if you didnt get to control something, then you just didnt deal with it.
RICHARD: Thats ridiculous.
LORELAI: When you couldnt control me, you didnt deal with me.
RICHARD: This has nothing to do with you.
RICHARD: This is about Rory and Rorys education. Which, frankly Lorelai, is something you know nothing about.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RICHARD: You never went to college, let alone an Ivy League college. You dont know the first thing about the system, the way it works. I do, I went through it. You want Rory to go to Harvard that badly? Well, so do thousands of other mothers. Yale is an excellent school, the equal of Harvard in every way except one I went here. Im an alumnus. That makes it easier for Rory to get in. And if you had any idea about the way the system works, youd know this.
LORELAI: Oh, so, here it is. I knew we would eventually get to the big "my daughters a loser, poor me, the future squandered, the Gilmore names sullied" speech.
RICHARD: I am not going to leave Rorys education to chance simply because I might risk offending you. Her future is more important than your pride. If you dont like that, Im sorry. If it makes you angry, well, what else is new? But that, my dear girl, is the way it is.
LORELAI: Im calling a cab. Were leaving.
[Lorelai walks out of the building, Emily follows her]
EMILY: Lorelai, come back inside. Lorelai, put the phone away and come back inside.
LORELAI: [on phone] Yes, hi, in New Haven, I need a number of a cab company. Um, anyone, pick one. Thanks.
EMILY: You are not going to take a cab all the way back to Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: He lied to you, too, Mom. Dont you care about that?
EMILY: That is between me and your father.
LORELAI: Great, whatever. Damn, I just forgot the number.
EMILY: If you would just calm down and look at it from his point of view.
LORELAI: [on phone] Hi, um, uh, in New Haven, I need a cab company, any cab company.
EMILY: Your father is a very strong-willed man, Lorelai. You know this, you take after him.
LORELAI: [on phone] Thank you.
EMILY: He wants the best for Rory. He thinks this is the best.
LORELAI: It doesnt really matter what he thinks. It matters what I think and what Rory thinks and the list ends there.
EMILY: So Rory takes a meeting at Yale. That doesnt mean she still wont go to Harvard.
LORELAI: I know it doesnt, because she is still going to Harvard.
EMILY: If she applies to Yale
LORELAI: Shes not applying to Yale!
EMILY: And gets into Yale, that might even make her more appealing to Harvard. Have you thought about that?
LORELAI: No, I havent, because Im not trying to reason away a crazy mans actions.
EMILY: Oh, dont do this. Dont turn this into yet another one of your crusades against your childhood. Just let it go. Realize that despite the matter in which your father did this, his intentions were honorable.
LORELAI: You know what, Mom? Sometimes I literally sit around and try to figure out why Dad and I have such an awful relationship. I try to figure out why we cant communicate and why we cant seem to break through whatever crap it is that stands between us, and then something like this happens and suddenly its like, Oh yeah. Thats why.
EMILY: Fine, Lorelai, your fathers a demon. Hes cruel and out to destroy your happiness. But think about this youre fighting so hard to send Rory off to Harvard no matter what that you havent even stopped for one second to consider that if she went to Yale, she could live at home. Consider that on your cab ride.
LORELAI: [on phone] Hi, yes, in New Haven, I need a cab company.
CUT TO INSIDE THE ADMINISTRATION BUILDING
[Rory and the Dean of Admissions walk out of the office]
HARRIS: It was a pleasure to meet you. Ill read that book you recommended.
RORY: And dont be fooled by the Oprah seal on the cover, its actually very good.
RICHARD: Well, how did it go? I see that everyone is smiling.
HARRIS: Richard, your granddaughter is everything you said and more. You should be very proud.
RICHARD: I am, very proud.
HARRIS: It was very nice meeting you.
RORY: Same here.
HARRIS: Ill see you at dinner later, Richard.
RICHARD: Thanks, Harris.
[Harris walks away]
RICHARD: Well, that that sounded like it went very well. Uh, what did you tell him to read?
RORY: Why did you do that?
RICHARD: Do what?
RORY: Why did you make this appointment without telling me about it?
RICHARD: Rory, I know this appointment upset your mother, but this was an important opportunity.
RORY: I know it was an important opportunity. Thats why I cant believe you didnt prepare me for it. I didnt have my transcripts, my letters of recommendation. I couldnt even remember what I wanted to major in when he asked.
RICHARD: Im sure he knew you were nervous.
RORY: But I didnt have to be that nervous. I couldve been calm. I couldve brushed my hair. I never wouldve worn this.
RICHARD: Oh, Rory, none of this matters.
RORY: It matters to me. I like to be prepared. This has nothing to do with Mom. If you had really wanted me to take this meeting, I wouldve done it just because you asked me to. And I wouldve done it right.
[Lorelai and Emily walk back into the building]
LORELAI: Rory, a cab is meeting us at the main gate. Lets go.
RORY: Im coming. Bye Grandma.
EMILY: Goodbye Rory.
[Lorelai and Rory leave]
EMILY: [to Richard] Dont you even look at me.
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai and Rory get out of a cab and start walking down the sidewalk]
LORELAI: Thanks. Uh, well, heres the good news. You no longer have to worry about which college to go to cause that cab ride was your college tuition.
RORY: Can we not say the word college for at least forty-eight hours?
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: How bout collage, can we say collage? Cause it sounds the same but its actually very different.
RORY: Collage is fine.
LORELAI: Okay, good, cause I dont even know how to get through a conversation without the word collage.
RORY: I shouldve listened to you about today.
LORELAI: Oh, no. Theres no way even I couldve seen this one coming.
[they walk into the diner]
RORY: I cant believe I had a meeting at Yale today.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: And I cant believe the only name that popped into my head when he asked for my role model was Gloria Estefan.
LORELAI: Well, you dont work great under pressure.
RORY: Sucky day.
LORELAI: But excellent tacos.
RORY: Yeah, Hector really came through.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Were coming from a day with my parents. Want a taco?
LUKE: Uh, no thanks. See, I already have food here. We sell it to the other customers who dont come quite as prepared as the two of you.
LORELAI: Mm, be nice and get us some salsa.
LUKE: At least order a cup of coffee.
RORY: Coffee and tacos?
LORELAI: Sounds just gross enough to work.
LUKE: Please, Ill finish it hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Im getting the coffee.
JESS: I gotta run out for a second and get a part for my car.
LUKE: Get a receipt this time.
JESS: Ill be back. [leaves]
LORELAI: Hey Luke, whats the record for most tacos eaten in a diner that doesnt actually sell tacos?
LUKE: I have no idea.
LORELAI: Find out, will you, cause if its less than five, were famous.
LUKE: Whered you get those things anyhow?
LORELAI: New Haven.
LUKE: Really? That dump was close?
LORELAI: We paid a little visit to Yale today.
RORY: Yes, one that I would prefer not to relive, thank you very much. Im gonna go study.
LORELAI: Okay hon, see you back home.
RORY: Bye Luke.
[Rory leaves; Luke sits down with Lorelai]
LUKE: Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.
LORELAI: You did?
LUKE: Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.
LORELAI: Oh good.
LORELAI: You know, theyre together now.
LORELAI: Oh yeah. I have to get a part for my car, Im going to go study thats kid code for Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle.
LUKE: Youre kidding me, right? You dont really think that. . .damn, they are! Theyre together. They used the kid code and now theyre together!
LORELAI: Its okay, Luke.
LUKE: Its okay, Luke? They are out there right now doing God knows what, completely unsupervised. How did you let this happen?
LUKE: Yes, you. I thought you were against this.
LORELAI: I thought you were all, This is so great and Rorys gonna change Jess.
LUKE: What is she, a miracle worker? Come on, Lorelai, wake up the guys trouble. I have to find em. Caesar, Ill be back in a little while.
LORELAI: Youre seriously gonna run all over town looking for Jess and Rory?
LUKE: If I have to, yes. And if you were really a concerned mother, youd go out there with me.
LORELAI: No, I cant do that. But if you like, Ill let you sniff Rorys sweater. Maybe her scent will help you track them down.
LUKE: The things you find amusing astound me sometimes.
[Luke grabs Rorys sweater from the chair]
LORELAI: Youre not really gonna sniff it.
LUKE: No, its cold out. She might need it.
CUT TO GAS STATION
[Jess stands next to a gas pump holding an unlit cigarette as Rory walks up to him]
RORY: You going to smoke that or mind meld with it?
JESS: It depends.
RORY: So wheres the part for your car?
JESS: Huh, I dont know. Gypsy said she was gonna leave it for me somewhere. Guess she forgot.
RORY: Shes bad that way.
JESS: Im just gonna have to take my business elsewhere.
RORY: Looks that way.
JESS: Here we are.
RORY: Yeah, here we are. So, tell me, whats your decision about smoking that depending on?
JESS: On whats gonna happen.
RORY: Im glad you didnt smoke it.
JESS: Oh yeah?
[they kiss again]
JESS: Well, whatever else happens between us, at least we know that part works. What?
RORY: I have to go.
JESS: What? Did I do something or
RORY: No, no. This was. . . you were are. . .it was wonderful, and I look forward to many similar occurrences in the future, but right now, I have to go. Understand?
JESS: Not at all.
RORY: Its more fun that way, isnt it?
JESS: Come here. [kisses her] Beat it.
RORY: Ill see you tomorrow.
CUT TO DEANS HOUSE
[Rory knocks on Deans bedroom window, he opens it]
DEAN: What are you doing?
RORY: I climbed a tree.
RORY: Well, I was afraid to ring the doorbell cause your mom would answer and I assume she knows, so I assume she hates me and I just wanted to talk to you, so. . .
DEAN: She doesnt know.
RORY: She doesnt.
DEAN: I havent really been in the mood to talk about it.
RORY: But youre going to have to tell her eventually, so if she did answer the door and was nice to me, then I wouldve known that she was going to be hating me soon, and that just wouldve been really hard because I like your mom. I guess youre probably gonna tell your sister also, so shes probably gonna hate me, too.
DEAN: Well, too bad, Rory. Somebody doesnt like you for once.
RORY: I didnt mean
DEAN: What do you want?
RORY: Do you remember that girl Butterfly who lived in a tree for a year? I can officially attest that she was nuts.
DEAN: I have to go.
RORY: I wanna say that Im sorry.
DEAN: For what?
RORY: For treating you the way I did. For doing all the things you said I did. I am so, so sorry. Its all my fault. I dont know whats wrong with me. You were the most amazing boyfriend in the world. You made me so happy. You made me laugh, you made my mother like you, you were nice to my friends, you protected me, you even came with me to that stupid debutante ball.
DEAN: I dont need the list.
RORY: I really did love you. Please believe that.
DEAN: You with him now?
RORY: I dont wanna talk about him. I just came to tell you that Im truly sorry that I hurt you, and that Im going to miss you so much, and I just hope that someday you wont hate me anymore.
DEAN: I hope so, too.
[Dean closes the window]
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[Rory is studying on the couch as Lorelai walks into the room with two mugs]
LORELAI: Coffee and Ovaltine.
LORELAI: Its getting late, you almost done?
LORELAI: Dont study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay, cause I wanna go shoe shopping this weekend.
RORY: Promise, I will not go mad until we get you some boots.
LORELAI: Thank you. [starts to walk upstairs, then turns around] Hey.
LORELAI: How was the rest of the evening?
RORY: It was eventful.
LORELAI: Eventful. . . well, okay. Goodnight hon. [starts to go upstairs]
LORELAI: [turns around] Yeah?
RORY: Details tomorrow.
LORELAI: Ah, thank God. Cause you know what not knowing these things does to me.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: I cant sleep. I wonder what I did wrong. Should I not have left you that first day in kindergarten when you begged me not to? Are you holding it against me?
RORY: I was fine staying at kindergarten. You were the one that had trouble leaving.
LORELAI: See, see how irrational I get when you hold out on me? I invent crazy reasons why you hold out on me.
RORY: Night Mom.
LORELAI: Night babe. [goes upstairs]
[Later that night, Rory walks into her bedroom, turns out the light and tries to go to sleep. A moment later, she turns the light back on, grabs her Yale brochure from her night table and starts reading it. Upstairs, Lorelai is reading the same brochure in her bedroom.]