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3.06 - Take the Deviled Eggs - (49)
This transcript is from the collection found at http://www.twiztv.com/scripts/gilmoregirls.

written by Daniel Palladino
directed by Jamie Babbit
transcript by Stacy


OPEN AT LORELAI’S HOUSE

[A bunch of catalogs are spread on the kitchen table, and Lorelai is going through them as Rory walks out of her bedroom]

RORY: Morning.

LORELAI: Morning.

RORY: Wow, someone woke up in project mode today.

LORELAI: I’m like the army, baby. I get more done before nine o’clock in the morning than others get done all day.

RORY: Well, as long as you don’t abandon it mid-project.

LORELAI: I do not do that.

RORY: Make your own seashell candles.

LORELAI: Aw, not fair.

RORY: The place smelled like melted crayons for three weeks.

LORELAI: This is different.

RORY: Fine, what’s the project?

LORELAI: This is a pile of every catalog we have received for the last three months.

RORY: Okay.

LORELAI: I have gathered them all together, and I will now proceed to call all the companies that are sending us duplicates and tell them to stop.

RORY: That’s very environmental of you.

LORELAI: It’s getting ridiculous. We get, like, eight of some of these.

RORY: You’re kidding.

LORELAI: Check this out. [picks up a stack of catalogs] This is a stack of identical catalogs mailed to Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, Lorelai Rory Gilmore, Lorelai V. Gilmore, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, Lorelai Gilmo, Lorelai Gil, and Squeegy Beckinheim.

RORY: How’d that get in there?

LORELAI: I once told a store my name was Squeegy Beckinheim just to see how many catalogs they would sell my name to, and apparently my name is to catalog companies what Brooke Shields’ picture is to Chinese restaurants.

RORY: How many?

LORELAI: Ten.

RORY: Wow.

LORELAI: Including one we were already getting seven catalogs from.

RORY: So apparently you made the problem worse.

LORELAI: Unintentionally.

[Rory reads the label on another catalog]

RORY: This one is addressed to Tookie Clothespin.

LORELAI: Oh, I forgot my code name at the second store I tested, so I told ‘em it was Tookie Clothespin.

RORY: Which means we get even more catalogs.

LORELAI: Again, it was unintentional.

RORY: When you start a forest fire unintentionally, it’s still your fault.

LORELAI: You’re putting calling myself Squeegy Beckinheim and Tookie Clothespin on a level with starting a forest fire?

RORY: It’s killing trees.

LORELAI: You’re depressing me now.

RORY: Well, get on the phone and stop the madness. That’ll cheer you up.

LORELAI: I need coffee.

RORY: There’s more coffee.

LORELAI: I should get ready, too.

RORY: You’re stopping mid-project.

LORELAI: I’m bored.

RORY: Then don’t start these projects.

LORELAI: I promise I’ll finish. I just wanna check on the seashells.

RORY: These catalogs will be sitting here forever.

LORELAI: No, they won’t. They’re biodegradable.

RORY: Come on, I’ll call half, you call half, okay?

LORELAI: Okay.

RORY: Okay.

LORELAI: You do yours first, then I’ll do mine.

RORY: Hey!

LORELAI: We only have one phone. You’re young. You’ll dial faster. [leaves room]

RORY: Squeegy!

[opening credits]

CUT TO MISS PATTY’S STUDIO

[There’s a town meeting going on]

TAYLOR: The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the street lights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I dare say that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.

BABETTE: You get dumped on, Taylor?

TAYLOR: It’s not just me. . .

LUKE: Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I’ll pay top dollar.

KIRK: I’ll check the internet.

MISS PATTY: Taylor, all animals have to. . .you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?

TAYLOR: Easy. Put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures, then when they land, pow – they’re shish-kabobs.

RORY: That’s cruel.

BABETTE: You can’t do that.

ANDREW: I’d rather have bird crap fall on my head.

LORELAI: There it is – our new town slogan.

RORY: I like it.

LORELAI: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.

RORY: Don’t forget stuffed shish-kabobbed birds.

LORELAI: That moan when you squeeze ‘em.

[a man enters through the large sliding door]

JESUS: Excuse me.

TAYLOR: May I help you, sir?

JESUS: Yes, I was looking for. . .ah, there she is. . .uh, Patricia.

LORELAI: Patricia. . .well, well, well.

EVERYONE: Woooooooo!

MISS PATTY: Now stop it.

JESUS: Are you ready?

MISS PATTY: I’m right in the middle of something, Jesus, but I’ll be right out. Patience.

JESUS: Okay. [walks out]

TAYLOR: Now, as we were saying. . .

BABETTE: Who’s the fox, Patty?

TAYLOR: Excuse me.

MISS PATTY: I met him at a funeral. Great guy, good dancer, Latin. . .

EVERYONE: Wooooooo!

TAYLOR: People, order please.

LORELAI: He better treat you right, this guy.

BABETTE: Yeah, how well do you know him?

MISS PATTY: Well, I just met him.

KIRK: I could look him up on the internet.

TAYLOR: People, please! Now, due to the lack of response, we’ll hold off on the bird spikes.

LUKE: Good.

LORELAI: Let Miss Patty’s date begin.

[Babette hands Patty a camera]

BABETTE: It’s a digital. I want a full visual account.

TAYLOR: Hold it. There’s one more issue that must be addressed before we can adjourn. All right. Now, that weird, taciturn fellow who’s always walking around with his backpack has put in an absurd request to stage a protest in the town square.

LORELAI: The town loner?

LUKE: That guy still lives around here?

BABETTE: Somewhere in the hills, right?

LUKE: I thought he was long gone.

ANDREW: No, he came into the bookstore a couple times last month, never said a word.

MISS PATTY: He’s a bit creepy.

TAYLOR: Very creepy.

LORELAI: But he’s our Boo Radley, and we don’t have a Boo Radley, unless you count the troubadour or Pete the pizza guy or the guy who talks to mailboxes.

RORY: Well, I think the point is that every town needs as many Boo Radleys as they can get.


LORELAI: Yes, that’s my point.

MISS PATTY: What’s he protesting, Taylor?

TAYLOR: Well, that’s not indicated here, but it doesn’t matter, because protesting is not allowed in the town square, period. It’s un-American.

LUKE: You mean like the Revolutionary War?

BABETTE: And Rosa Parks?

TAYLOR: That’s different. They were against the British and buses. No one likes the British or buses.

[Jesus walks in again]

MISS PATTY: Yes, dear, what is it?

JESUS: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I heard my name.

MISS PATTY: No, he said buses, dear, not Jesus.

JESUS: Sounded like Jesus. [leaves]

TAYLOR: Could this meeting be more disrupted?

LORELAI: I could do a soft shoe.

RORY: Yeah, while I pound out a beat on the bongos.

BABETTE: Ooh, that sounds like fun!

MISS PATTY: I got bongos in the back.

TAYLOR: Seeing as how our attention spans are gnat-like tonight, as town Selectman I am refusing the town loner’s request to protest and I am adjourning this meeting.

LORELAI: She’s all yours, Jesus!

LUKE: We got nothing of substance done in this meeting.

LORELAI: And the tradition stands.

[People start to leave; Lorelai, Luke, and Rory walk out together]

LORELAI: Hey, what do you know about this town loner guy?

LUKE: Same as everyone. Just kind of skulks around with that backpack, never smiles.

LORELAI: Does he also make cheeseburgers and secretly harbor a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap?

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: [sings] They’re cousins, identical cousins. . .

LUKE: Stop it.

[Jess drives by in a beat-up car]

LORELAI: Well. . . look who’s back behind the wheel. Lovely.

RORY: Mom, I’m gonna get going. I’ve got some studying to do.

LORELAI: Okay, babe. I’ll catch up with you.

[Rory leaves]

LORELAI: When did Jess get a car?

LUKE: Oh, uh. . .recently.

LORELAI: Where’d he get it?

LUKE: He got it from a guy around here, at a place.

LORELAI: A guy at a place?

LUKE: Yeah.

LORELAI: You had no idea he had a car, did you?

LUKE: Not in the least.

LORELAI: Ah, way to have a handle on things, Luke.

LUKE: Well, he doesn’t share a lot with me, you know? And he’s got a license. What can I do?

LORELAI: Stop him before he kills.

LUKE: He’s not gonna kill anyone.

LORELAI: He’s got a bad track record with cars.

LUKE: Yeah, I know, okay? I’m not exactly thrilled with this.

LORELAI: Okay. I’m sorry. It’s your thing. I’ll just butt out now.

LUKE: Where’d he get the money?

LORELAI: What?

LUKE: For the car. Where’d he get it?

LORELAI: I don’t know. Working at the diner?

LUKE: I can barely afford a car on the money I get working at the diner.

LORELAI: Maybe it was a gift from someone. . .who doesn’t know it’s gone yet.

LUKE: Thanks.

LORELAI: I’m helpful, aren’t I?

LUKE: Bye.

LORELAI: Bye.

[Lorelai leaves; Luke walks over to Jess]

LUKE: Hey.

JESS: Hey.

LUKE: So. . .you got a car.

JESS: Motor Trend’s not gonna be giving it any awards, but it’ll get me from point A to point B.

LUKE: Yeah, I guess it’ll get you around. So, uh. . .where’d you get the money for it?

JESS: Mugged an old lady.

LUKE: Jess.

JESS: It didn’t cost that much.

LUKE: What’s not much?

JESS: Less than a lot?

LUKE: Jess, where did you get the money?

JESS: You know that hash you sling at the diner? I scrape it off the plates in the back. Remember I work for you?

LUKE: Yeah, I know you do.

JESS: Okay, then.

LUKE: I also know I don’t pay you enough to buy the car.

JESS: I saved up my pennies and I bought the car from Gypsy. She gave me a good deal. That’s how I got the car.

LUKE: Okay, so you bought a car. Now, the price of the car is just one small thing. It’s just the beginning.

JESS: Oh, yeah?

LUKE: Did you take the additional expenses into account?

JESS: Like. . .

LUKE: Insurance?

JESS: I’m in good hands.

LUKE: Liability, uninsured motorist?

JESS: All the paperwork’s in the glove compartment. Feel free to check it out.

LUKE: Money for gas?

JESS: You mean this didn’t come with a never empty magical tank?

LUKE: Jess.

JESS: I factored that in.

LUKE: You’re gonna have repairs.

JESS: Yeah, and I can fix most of ‘em myself and save up for the rest. Plus, I’m gonna make sure to replace the oil every couple months.

LUKE: Right, I bet you didn’t think of that, the oil. That costs money.

JESS: I’m the one that brought it up. You’re the one that didn’t think of it.

LUKE: No, but. . .I just. . .

JESS: Sign this. [hands him a piece of paper]

LUKE: The registration?

JESS: I’m still a minor.

LUKE: I don’t have a pen.

[Jess hands him a pen]

LUKE: I guess it’s okay that someone else’s name is crossed out on it and that yours it written in.

JESS: Yup.

LUKE: Just checking. [signs it and hands it back]

JESS: Thanks. I’m glad we had this talk.

LUKE: Yeah, same here.

CUT TO LORELAI’S HOUSE

[Rory is studying on the couch as Lorelai walks through the front door with the mail]

LORELAI: Hello!

RORY: I’m in here!

LORELAI: Wow, you beat me home by two minutes and your nose is already in the books.

RORY: I can go from zero to studying in less than sixty seconds.

LORELAI: Very impressive. Mail call. [hands Rory a piece of mail]

RORY: What’s this?

LORELAI: Mortgage payment. You mind picking it up this month sweetie, baby, cookie, honey?

RORY: No, not at all.

LORELAI: It’s just something addressed to you.

[Rory opens it]

RORY: It’s an invitation.

LORELAI: Hm.

RORY: [reads it] Oh.

LORELAI: An invitation to what? Oh, is it the White House again? Those boys never give up.

RORY: It’s to Sherry’s baby shower.

LORELAI: Who?

RORY: Sherry. Sherry Tinsdale. Dad’s Sherry?

LORELAI: You’re kidding.

RORY: It’s at her and Dad’s house on Sunday.

LORELAI: Wow, that is very weird. We haven’t had contact with Christopher in months. She must know we’re on the outs with him, right?

RORY: Yeah, but she may not know how on the outs.

LORELAI: Well, zero contact is maximum on the outs.

RORY: Yeah. . .although there may have been some.

LORELAI: Some what?

RORY: Some contact.

LORELAI: Oh. . .you’ve been in contact with Christopher?

RORY: Yeah, I’m sorry.

LORELAI: On, no, hon, don’t apologize. You’ve always been totally free to talk to him whenever you want. I’ve told you that. I mean, he’s your dad, right? So don’t apologize.

RORY: Okay, I take the apology back.

LORELAI: I think it’s good you’ve been talking to him. It is a little weird you didn’t tell me, though.

RORY: Yeah, sorry.

LORELAI: Will you stop apologizing?

RORY: Even when I feel like I should apologize, I can’t apologize?

LORELAI: Yeah, it’s a little annoying.

RORY: Sorry.

LORELAI: Rory.

RORY: I’m just trying to lighten the mood here.

LORELAI: The mood is light. I just hate that you thought you had to hide something like that from me.

RORY: I just kind of felt like I was betraying you or something.

LORELAI: Well, you weren’t.

RORY: I know that now.

LORELAI: So, how much contact have you had with him?

RORY: Not tons. He emailed me a month or so ago, I emailed him back, and now we occasionally talk on the phone.

LORELAI: Does he ever ask about me?

RORY: What answer will freak you out the least?

LORELAI: The honest one.

RORY: Yes, he asks about you because Dad will always care for you very much, you know that. Do you want me to say hello for you next time we talk?

LORELAI: No.

RORY: Fine. [holds up invitation] What should I do about this?

LORELAI: It’s your call.

RORY: I guess being in Dad’s world automatically means being in Sherry’s.

LORELAI: And it is your little half brother or sister she’s carrying.

RORY: I know, it’s weird.

LORELAI: Sort of a good reason to make some connection with her.

RORY: Yeah, but it’s gonna be one of those brunchy quichey things where I don’t know anyone, and it’s all the way in Boston.

LORELAI: I’ll drive you there if you want.

RORY: Really?

LORELAI: Yeah, I’ll do some Boston shopping while you quiche it.

RORY: And we can set up some sort of SOS signal that I can page you with if I want to bail early?

LORELAI: Sure.

RORY: What should the SOS signal be?

LORELAI: How about. . .SOS?

RORY: Perfect.

LORELAI: So you’re going.

RORY: I guess I’m going.

LORELAI: Good, I think you’ve made the right decision.

RORY: So do I. And I shouldn’t have hid that I’m talking to Dad. I’m really s–

LORELAI: Ah!

RORY: Starving.

LORELAI: I’ll get some ice cream.

CUT TO LUKE’S DINER

[Luke is behind the counter as Jess walks down from upstairs]

LUKE: You’re up early.

JESS: I got a few errands to run.

LUKE: You got time before school?

JESS: I got wheels.

LUKE: Right, right, you got wheels. [Jess takes a donut from the display] Lid.

JESS: By the way, I owe you ten bucks.

LUKE: When did I loan you ten bucks?

JESS: Last night.

LUKE: I wasn’t here last night.

JESS: You’re always here, Uncle Luke – in my heart.

LUKE: You took money out of the register

JESS: I’m going to the bank now. You’ll get it back today.

LUKE: I told you a hundred times, do not take money out of the register.

JESS: Gotta run.

LUKE: Lid.

[Jess leaves, and Luke watches him out the window. Kirk, sitting at a table, clears his throat]

LUKE: Oh, uh, what can I get you, Kirk?

KIRK: Patty melt and a coke.

LUKE: You want the melt cut into squares or stars today?

KIRK: Half and half?

LUKE: Okay, coming right up.

KIRK: Thanks. [looks out the window at Jess’ car] Man, that car’s a honey. Duel piston cams, diplex overdrive with maximum torque, sixteen liter side by side, firing three on one. . . sweet.

LUKE: Kirk, none of that makes any sense.

KIRK: What?

LUKE: I know a little about cars, that was all gibberish.

KIRK: Oh, well, would you mind not telling people about this? I’ve cultivated a reputation as sort of a car aficionado and in reality, all I have is a Jan and Dean record.

LUKE: I’ll keep it to myself.

KIRK: I should probably listen to it again.

LUKE: Yeah, I would.

KIRK: Man, I wish my mom would let me have a car. . .or a bike. . .or my roller skates back.

CUT TO HEWES BROTHERS’ GARAGE

[Gypsy is looking under Jackson’s truck]

GYPSY: You don’t take care of it.

JACKSON: I take great care of it.

GYPSY: This truck doesn’t like you.

JACKSON: Oh, is it talking to you now?

GYPSY: Your transmission’s shot.

JACKSON: I shift up and down a lot.

GYPSY: Mr. Grind-it-‘til-you-find-it, huh?

JACKSON: Just tell me what needs doing.

GYPSY: Be faster to say what doesn’t need doing.

JACKSON: Whatever you want.

GYPSY: You ride your breaks. Bad for the truck, good for me. I like replacing brakes. Pays for the cable TV.

JACKSON: No problem. How ‘bout I just make the check out directly to your cable company, would that be easier for you?

GYPSY: Yeah, thanks. And get some extra checks ‘cause you’re gonna be making one out to my milkman, too. Oh, and looky here, you just bought me a couch. [Luke walks up to them] Hey Luke.

LUKE: Hey Gypsy. I don’t wanna interrupt.

JACKSON: No, please, interrupt. I need a little break from the gaiety. [walks away]

GYPSY: What can I do for you?

LUKE: Uh, well, uh, Jess came home with this car and it says on the slip that he bought it from you.

GYPSY: Yup, it’s working great, if that’s what you’re wondering.

LUKE: No, I know that, it’s just, uh. . . he paid you for it, right?

GYPSY: Nothing’s free at Gypsy’s.

LUKE: And he paid cash?

GYPSY: Mostly twenties.

LUKE: Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not Alfred E. Newman or someone?

GYPSY: Looked real to me.

LUKE: Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?

GYPSY: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.

LUKE: Really?

GYPSY: No.

LUKE: Good.

GYPSY: Guys are stupid.

LUKE: What?

GYPSY: You strip your gears, you ride your breaks, and if we don’t laugh after we make a joke, you think we’re serious.

JACKSON: I don’t ride my brakes!

LUKE: I just want to make sure it was on the up and up.

GYPSY: Hey, when people come in with cash, I don’t ask where it comes from, do you?

LUKE: Nah, I guess I don’t. Thanks.

GYPSY: Anytime.

[Luke leaves; Gypsy looks under the hood of Jackson’s truck]

GYPSY: Oh, goody, a trip to Florida!

CUT TO LUKE’S DINER

[Taylor, a priest, and a rabbi are sitting at a table in mid-conversation]

TAYLOR: This is outrageous. The town unanimously refused to let that loner freak protest in the square. Why would the two of you consider allowing him to do it from the steps of your church?

REVEREND: The town didn’t refuse him, Taylor – you did.

TAYLOR: So you’re spearheading this revolt, Reverend?

RABBI: Reverend Skinner and I share the church for services, Taylor, so if there’s gonna be a protest, it’ll be a joint decision. Ugh, I can’t even look at this mayonnaise.

REVEREND: I got it, David. [moves the mayonnaise bottle]

RABBI: Thanks, Archie.

TAYLOR: I could still ban it. I could get the town council together, find something on the books. I’m sure there’s a way.

REVEREND: The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.

RABBI: We answer to a higher authority. . . like the hot dog.

REVEREND: I laugh every time you say that.

RABBI: I know. Funny is funny.

TAYLOR: Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.

REVEREND: Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.

RABBI: Thirty years I’m working for God, I haven’t received so much as a card.

REVEREND: Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?

RABBI: Do you have a God phone, Taylor?

TAYLOR: Rabbi, please.

REVEREND: What’s he like? For us common folk who’ve never met him?

RABBI: Is he short, is he tall?

REVEREND: Does he like to laugh?

RABBI: Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials. . .

REVEREND: They look good, huh?

RABBI: Oh, with the melted butter? Oh my God.

TAYLOR: Can we stay serious for a minute here?

REVEREND: You’re too uptight, Taylor.

RABBI: And no matter how much steam blows out of your ears, our decision will be final.

TAYLOR: So it’s hardball, huh? Well, the council gave you special permission to run bingo out of that building. We could withdraw it.

RABBI: At your peril.

TAYLOR: Meaning?

RABBI: You’re gonna tell my little old ladies, my bubbies, you’re shutting down their bingo?

TAYLOR: I’m not afraid of your bubbies, Rabbi.

REVEREND: Oh, God, thank you for letting me be in the room when Taylor said that.

TAYLOR: Well, gentlemen, I would sincerely like to thank you for wasting my time.

REVEREND: Our pleasure, Taylor.

TAYLOR: I can’t believe that you, Reverend Skinner, of all people, would do this to me after all the support I’ve given you over the years.

REVEREND: All the support? Taylor, you’re a Sunday Protestant. You come in, you say ‘Hi God’, you sing a song, and you leave.

TAYLOR: I always leave a dollar!

REVEREND: For your singing voice, you should leave two.

TAYLOR: Well, fine, if you feel like that, maybe I will just stop showing up altogether. Maybe I’ll convert to something else and give them my generous weekly donation.

REVEREND: Do you want him?

RABBI: Not after the whole bubbies thing.

REVEREND: Maybe the Shakers in Woodbury would take him.

RABBI: Yeah, he’s already got the beard. Can you make furniture, Taylor?

TAYLOR: Goodbye gentlemen.

[Taylor leaves; Luke enters the diner and walks up to Caesar]

LUKE: How’s it going?

CAESAR: Ah, pretty slow.

LUKE: Hey, is Jess upstairs?

CAESAR: I haven’t seen him.

LUKE: Okay, thanks.

[Luke goes upstairs and walks into his apartment]

LUKE: Jess?

[Luke starts going through Jess’ dresser drawer. The phone rings, startling him]

LUKE: [answers phone] Hello? . . . Oh, hey Randy, what’s up?. . . Well, someone’s gotta take care of it, you know? It’s not going to take care of itself. . . .I understand, I get it. What else?. . . Mmhmm. . .

[While on the phone, Luke continues looking through Jess’ stuff]

CUT TO SIDEWALK

[Rory and Lane are walking down the street]

RORY: So do you think I got a good gift?

LANE: It’s foolproof.

RORY: It’s not very original.

LANE: A new mother can’t have too many baby blankets. Not with the insane amount of stuff constantly oozing out of a baby’s every orifice.

RORY: Ew.

LANE: I just call it like I see it.

RORY: Well, call it less graphically.

LANE: The very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.

RORY: Yeah. Kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.

LANE: Definitely thought up by a man.

RORY: My mom said that when she told me where babies come from.

LANE: My mom still hasn’t told me.

RORY: Really?

LANE: When my cousin got pregnant, she said it’s because an angel brushed its wings against her face.

RORY: I could fill you in on the details sometime if you want.

LANE: No thanks, I’ve picked it up off the streets.

[they pass Jess’ car]

LANE: That’s new.

RORY: Is it?

LANE: I’ve never seen it before, and I’m very into the minutia around here.

RORY: That’s for sure.

LANE: Do you know whose it is?

RORY: Yup.

LANE: Whose?

RORY: Jess’.

LANE: Jess? Jess, the guy who wrecked your car? He’s got a car now?

RORY: Mmhmm, looks that way.

LANE: That’s outrageous! That’s a travesty!

RORY: It’s not that big a deal.

LANE: Oh, it’s a humongous deal.

RORY: You’re taking this very hard.

LANE: Because we’re best friends, Rory. We’re linked. I feel what you feel. Except for right now because you don’t seem to be feeling anything and I’m incensed.

RORY: It’s just a car. It’s nothing to get excited about.

[Jess walks over]

JESS: Hey.

RORY: Hey.

JESS: Hey Lane.

LANE: Hey back at ya, tough guy.

JESS: What?

RORY: Lane. . .

JESS: Something wrong?

RORY: No. . .

LANE: Yes! You have a car.

JESS: I know.

LANE: Don’t give me lip!

JESS: Lip?

RORY: Lane. . .

LANE: How’d you get the car, Jess?

JESS: I bought it.

LANE: Really, I thought you might’ve built it from parts left over from cars you’ve totaled.

JESS: What is your problem?

LANE: Don’t play dumb. You know what you did.

JESS: I gotta go.

LANE: Yes, drive on away, we’ll just keep walking. That’s all Rory’s been able to do these past few months – lots of walking. She’s got bunions because of you, mister!

JESS: Bunions?

RORY: I don’t have bunions.

LANE: She’s too nice to complain about her foot ailments.

JESS: Knock if off, Lane.

RORY: Just get in the car and go, Jess.

JESS: I didn’t start this.

LANE: Well, you started it when you wrecked Rory’s car.

JESS: Tell your friend to walk it off.

RORY: You walk it off.

JESS: I’m trying to drive off.

RORY: Then go.

JESS: Geez, how Andy Griffith is this town that people get so excited by a car?

RORY: It’s not the car, it’s who’s got the car.

JESS: Okay, fine, you want it? Take it, I’m sick of this.

RORY: I don’t want this piece of junk.

JESS: Right. I suppose Dean is already building you another car, something really snazzy.

RORY: Shut up and go.

JESS: Gladly.

RORY: Let’s go.

LANE: Gladly.

RORY: [to Jess] Oh, and by the way, you left your bra in the back seat.

CUT TO BOSTON

[Lorelai and Rory pull up in front of Sherry’s house. There are green balloons out front]

LORELAI: This must be the place.

RORY: I think the balloons confirm it.

LORELAI: No pink, no blue.

RORY: All green.

LORELAI: Aren’t baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls.

RORY: You would think.

LORELAI: What’s green for, aliens?

RORY: I’ll ask when I go in.

LORELAI: We’re all set, right? Anytime you want out, just send up a flare.

RORY: I will.

LORELAI: Even if I’m half-naked in a changing room, I’ll just grab everything and rush out.

RORY: You making a half-naked entrance would be funny.

[Sherry comes to the car window]

SHERRY: Hi!

RORY: Whoa!

SHERRY: Oh, I’m sorry, I totally snuck up on you.

RORY: It’s okay, hi.

SHERRY: Hi, Rory. Lorelai, I’m so excited you came.

LORELAI: Oh, I’m just dropping Rory off.

SHERRY: Oh, don’t go. Stay.

LORELAI: What?

SHERRY: Come to the party, please?

LORELAI: Oh, I don’t know.

SHERRY: I know that you weren’t invited, but it’s just ‘cause my friends didn’t think that you’d be comfortable. I told them not to worry.

LORELAI: Thanks, but I’m not really dressed for a party.

SHERRY: Oh, please. We’re not formal here, you look fine.

LORELAI: Well. . .um. . .

RORY: Um, Mom kind of has plans.

LORELAI: Yeah, I got a couple credit cards burning a hole in my wallet.

SHERRY: Oh, go shopping some other time and come play with us. Please? There’s just a bunch of people in there that Rory doesn’t know, and having you here would make her so much more comfortable.

RORY: Oh, I don’t mind not knowing anyone at the party, really.

SHERRY: That’s nice, honey, but very unconvincing. Lorelai, I meant to extend the invitation to both of you. I just wasn’t sure if you’d. . . Well, you know, there’s lots of food, and booze for the lucky non-pregnant ones, and cake. . .it’ll be fun.

LORELAI: Well. . .

SHERRY: I’ll block your car with my stomach.

LORELAI: No, don’t do that.

SHERRY: Please, it would mean so much.

LORELAI: Well. . . um, okay, sure.

SHERRY: Really?

LORELAI: Yeah, let’s have a party.

SHERRY: Yay! [jumps up and down]

LORELAI: Ooh, watch it, you’ll jiggle that thing right out of you.

SHERRY: A mother’s perspective, thanks.

CUT TO SHERRY’S HOUSE

[Lorelai, Rory, and Sherry walk into the house]

SHERRY: Come in, come in.

LORELAI: Nice place.

RORY: Very nice.

SHERRY: Well, it’s a work-in-progress. It was so bachelor pad before: rock posters, modular furniture, magazines everywhere. I would pick up a TV Guide and it would be three months old. [leads them to the living room] Well, here’s the gang.

[Six women are gathered in the room, and they greet Lorelai and Rory]

SHERRY: You’ve got Gail, Jody, Maureen, Linda, Susan and Alice.

LORELAI: Hi.

RORY: Hey.

SHERRY: This is Christopher’s daughter, the famous Rory, and I did a little arm twisting and got her mother Lorelai to come in, too.

JODY: The more the merrier.

MAUREEN: Mojito?

LORELAI: Oh, now that you don’t need to twist my arm for.

SHERRY: You know, Rory and I will be the only ones not imbibing. Oh, and G.G.

RORY: Who?

SHERRY: G.G., short for Georgia. The two Gs.

RORY: That’s cute.

LORELAI: So it’s a girl?

SHERRY: Yeah. Christopher would’ve been happy with either, but I really wanted a ballerina.

[Maureen pins a diaper pin on Lorelai]

LORELAI: Oh, ah. . .what’s this?

MAUREEN: It’s a little game. Everyone gets a diaper pin, and if you say the word "baby," the person catching you saying it gets to keep your pin.

SHERRY: Maureen’s the instigator of this little soiree. She has her own publicity firm in New York.

LORELAI: Oh.

MAUREEN: She meant to run all those people down, but you didn’t hear it from me.

[Maureen walks away, Lorelai notices the shelves of CDs on the wall]

LORELAI: Oh, aw, look at this – the famous CD collection. In alphabetical order, too.

RORY: And not stacked up like coasters.

SHERRY: Yeahh, I had to put an end to that. Finding something was impossible. I would be looking for my Wang Chung or Billy Joel and I would just have to give up. So now, everything is at your fingertips. [pulls out a CD] Wang Chung.

LORELAI: Wang Chung.

MAUREEN: Hey, no sub-groups, Sherry. Get over here.

[they walk into the living room and sit down]

GAIL: Mojito?

LORELAI: Oh, thank you.

GAIL: Club soda?

RORY: Thank you.

MAUREEN: Don’t you hate the way she looks?

LORELAI: Who, Sherry?

MAUREEN: You can only tell she’s pregnant in profile. Nothing in the face, nothing from behind. . .

RORY: Yeah, Sherry, you look amazing.

SHERRY: I do not.

LORELAI: You do. When I was carrying this one, doorways had to be widened.

SHERRY: It’s good to have you here, Lorelai. You’re the only one that can give me a motherly perspective.

LORELAI: Oh, I’m the only mother here? None of you have kids?

MAUREEN: Whose got the time?

JODY: Or the guy.

GAIL: There aren’t that many Christophers in the world.

LORELAI: That’s true.

SHERRY: You have to give me your list of books, okay?

LORELAI: Books?

SHERRY: The ones that you read when you had Rory.

LORELAI: Oh, I see. Um, I think I was reading "Deenie" at the time. . .

SHERRY: No parenting books?

LORELAI: No parenting books.

SHERRY: Well, then where’d you get your information on child raising? Your mom?

LORELAI: No, "For Keeps." Uh, Molly Ringwald, Randall Bantikoff, really underrated little post-John Hughes flick. She went to the prom fat. I found it really inspirational.

JODY: Hey, what are we all sitting around here for? Let the games begin!

MAUREEN: Let the games begin!

LORELAI: Games?

MAUREEN: Susan, help me move the couch.

LORELAI: [to Rory] They’re moving the couch.

RORY: [to Lorelai] Bless you for being here.

GAIL: Up, up.

CUT TO LATER AT THE SHOWER

[The women are playing a game where they have to use a large spoon to feed cotton balls to a shoebox decorated like a baby.]

SHERRY: Feed the baby! Feed the baby!

WOMEN: Go, go!

JODY: You’ve got twenty seconds!

[Lorelai is having trouble. She hides some cotton balls in her shirt, then tosses some more over her shoulder]

CUT TO LATER AT THE SHOWER

[Rory is singing karaoke to the song "Baby Face." Every time she gets to the word "baby," the women gesture for her to leave it out so she doesn’t lose her diaper pin]

RORY: [singing] ... - - - Face, you’ve got the cutest little - - - face. There’s not another one could take your place, - - - - face. . . .my poor heart is jumpin’, you sure have started something. . . .- - -- Face . . .

CUT TO LATER AT THE SHOWER

[Disposable diapers are being passed around, and the women must sniff them and write down what they think is inside.]

SUSAN: [sniffs one] Horseradish.

SHERRY: Write it down, write it down.

RORY: [sniffs one] Hoping it’s ammonia.

SHERRY: You’re not supposed to say. Write it down.

[Lorelai sniffs one, then takes off her baby pin and hands it to Maureen]

LORELAI: Baby crap.

CUT TO LATER AT THE SHOWER

[Sherry is opening presents, and some of the women are holding poppers]

MAUREEN: One, two, three – pull!

[They pull the strings of the poppers and confetti pops out]

LORELAI: Wow.

RORY: Loud.

SUSAN: Oh, keep opening, keep opening.

SHERRY: You guys got me too much stuff. You should’ve just chipped in and bought me one thing. [opens a gift] Oh, it’s a mobile. I love it, Gail. Thank you.

LORELAI: Green again.

SHERRY: Pretty green, too.

LORELAI: Isn’t it supposed to be pink? Pink for a girl?

GAIL: Oh, pink’s out.

SUSAN: It’s last week.

MAUREEN: It’s in all the magazines.

SHERRY: Green’s the new pink.

LORELAI: I did not know that. [to Rory] Did you know that?

RORY: Oh, sure.

MAUREEN: Hey Sher, let me ask you. . .how in the world are you gonna finish that Spring campaign you’re working on?

SHERRY: Oh, just barely. I have the final presentation on the seventeenth at noon, which gives me plenty of time to do G.G. at five.

RORY: To do G.G?

SHERRY: My Cesarean. I scheduled it months ago.

LORELAI: Wow.

SHERRY: Didn’t you schedule yours?

LORELAI: Not quite. A half hour before I had Rory, I was eating a pepper sandwich and watching TV. [to Rory] You were almost named Quincy.

RORY: Thanks for refraining.

SHERRY: Oh, scheduling it like this was beyond necessary. I would die without organization. I mean, which is why I was so thrown off at the beginning.

LORELAI: What do you mean?

SHERRY: Well, Christopher and I didn’t exactly plan for this to happen. I thought I had the flu or something. When I finally went to the doctor and he told me, he had to pick me up off the floor.

MAUREEN: Okay, I’m drunk, which is why I’m telling you that we were very shocked when you told us because you are so not a baby person.

SHERRY: Oh, I’m still not. I mean, she’s all mine when she’s got the legs to dance, but Christopher’s the baby person.

GAIL: She’s going to be beautiful.

SUSAN: Yeah, you and Christopher are like a poster for Aryan breeding.

SHERRY: Well, I can only hope that G.G.’s as beautiful as Rory. And half as smart, too. She’s going to Harvard, you know.

MAUREEN: Wow, really?

RORY: I’m not in yet. I’ve just applied.

LORELAI: Oh, she’s as good as in. I’m not just saying that. I can also sign it, mime it, Morse code it, and do an interpretive dance to it. It’s gonna be Harvard.

SHERRY: Well, I certainly hope so. It’s just minutes from here. Did you know that?

LORELAI: Minutes, really?

SHERRY: I’ve already clocked it – two point seven miles, which is nothing. I’ve already checked out the best late afternoon route for her to take to come over after classes.

RORY: To come over here?

SHERRY: Well, your little sister’s going to demand it. You can even sleep over if you want.

RORY: Oh, well, I’ll have a dorm room.

SHERRY: I know, but dorm rooms are awful. You can even spend the weekends, too.

LORELAI: Right – the ones she’s not visiting me on.

SHERRY: Oh, well, that’s a given Lorelai. Really, anytime. We’ve already for a key for you.

RORY: Well, thank you. I’ll definitely visit.

SHERRY: You too, Lorelai. I mean, you’re sort of G.G.’s aunt.

LORELAI: Oh, I guess I kind of am. I’m gonna get some more potato salad. Excuse me. [walks away]

SHERRY: Isn’t it the best? I’m think I’m gonna get some more, too.

MAUREEN: No, no, let me get it.

SHERRY: No, no, no, no. . .it’s okay.

[Sherry follows Lorelai to the food table.]

SHERRY: I can’t believe my appetite. It’s so weird what a baby does to you.

LORELAI: Well, you’ve got a lifetime to get back at ‘em.

SHERRY: Right. Thanks for that. I’m glad you’re here.

LORELAI: Good.

SHERRY: Chris would be happy you’re here, too.

LORELAI: Oh, great.

SHERRY: I have to tell you, he has been so amazing the past few months, so involved with the baby.

LORELAI: Good, good. [some poppers go off in the next room] Wow, you’d think those things would be against the law or something.

SHERRY: He talks to it every night.

LORELAI: Who?

SHERRY: Christopher. To the baby. He sings, too.

LORELAI: That’s nice.

SHERRY: He has a terrible voice, but it’s sweet. And he’s so protective. If he was here right now, he would insist that I lie down. I keep kidding him that one of these days he’s gonna come home with one of those sofas with the pole and the four men to carry me around everywhere.

LORELAI: Well, if you turn it down, feel free to send it to my house. [more poppers go off] She get a bulk rate on those things or what?

SHERRY: You know, when I first found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t quite sure how Christopher would handle it, but I just never expected it would be like this. He’s been unbelievable.

LORELAI: That’s great, Sherry, really.

SHERRY: Yeah, well, I wanted to thank you.

LORELAI: Thank me?

SHERRY: Yeah. I mean, it’s all because of you.

LORELAI: What?

SHERRY: Yeah, I’ve been wanting to tell you, actually. Chris and I had a rocky stretch. I thought for sure he was out the door. I mean, he was so distant and hardly ever talked. I wasn’t even sure if I was gonna tell him about the baby. I thought I was gonna either go it alone, or not go through with it at all. I mean, I was kind of in the same position that you were in when you were pregnant, do you know what I mean?

LORELAI: Yeah, I guess.

SHERRY: I decided that I would tell him before I made any decisions, and that was the weekend he was with you and Rory, remember? There was a wedding or something. . .

LORELAI: Yes, I remember.

SHERRY: Well, I don’t know what happened or what you said, but whatever it was, it worked. He came back a changed man. All of a sudden, he was so attentive and devoted, and so willing to make it work. He said that he’d missed out before, and he didn’t want to miss it again. And I just credit a good portion of that to you.

LORELAI: Yes, well, I can be very persuasive. [more poppers go off] God, I’m getting to hate those things.

SHERRY: Guys, cool it with the poppers.

MAUREEN: Party pooper.

SUSAN: Popper pooper.

SHERRY: They’re children. Are you okay?

LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, I’m. . . uh, it was just, uh, one hell of a Mojito. Listen, could you point the way to the bathroom?

SHERRY: Oh, sure. Just through there and to the right.

LORELAI: Thanks.

[Lorelai walks to the bathroom. She washes her hands and throws the paper towel on the floor, then starts rearranging the medicine cabinet. There’s a knock on the door]

LORELAI: Uh, just. . .just a minute.

RORY: It’s me.

LORELAI: Come in.

[Rory walks in]

RORY: Hi.

LORELAI: Hi there.

RORY: Are you okay?

LORELAI: I’ve been better.

RORY: You rearranged her medicine cabinet?

LORELAI: Yes, and it’s going to rock her world.

RORY: Are you having a meltdown?

LORELAI: Pretty much.

RORY: From something that Sherry said?

LORELAI: From everything Sherry said.

RORY: About my visiting her?

LORELAI: Okay, sure, we’ll start there. As if you’re gonna have all this free time to pal around with her. You’ll be in classes, does she know that?

RORY: She was just asking.

LORELAI: And what are you doing agreeing to come over here all the time?

RORY: I was just being polite.

LORELAI: By agreeing to be here every weekend you’re not with me?

RORY: I did not agree to that.

LORELAI: Well, you’re spending all your weekends with me. That’s a given. And she. . .she had to have a girl. That kills me!

RORY: That her baby’s a girl?

LORELAI: Yes, because I have a girl. She’s just a copycat.

RORY: She can’t control the sex of her baby.

LORELAI: Oh, really? Little Miss "Mani-pedi-I’ll-give-birth-before-five-o’clock"? Uh, I think she can.

RORY: Mom. . .

LORELAI: "All I want’s a ballerina." Poor thing’s gonna pop out of her womb and land in a tutu.

RORY: Boy, I hope not.

LORELAI: And what is with that name – G.G.?

RORY: It’s a cute name.

LORELAI: It is, ‘cause she’s copying me there, too. Rory, G.G. Rory, G.G. They’re identical.

RORY: They are not identical.

LORELAI: Two syllables, repeating consonants. Rory. . . .G.G.

RORY: Oprah, Uma.

LORELAI: Don’t mock.

RORY: I’m just trying to joke you down off that ledge.

LORELAI: And that music, God, that music!

RORY: Yeah, I’m with you on that. The music’s driving me crazy, too.

LORELAI: I mean, they’ve been playing the same nondescript, soft, generic jazz for two straight hours. And who is that playing that stupid saxophone like that?

RORY: It’s music you eat brunch to.

LORELAI: Thank you for finally being on my side for something.

RORY: Mom, I’m always on your side.

LORELAI: Oh, she probably makes Christopher listen to that garbage. And – and – and then there’s the whole thing of rearranging his CDs. I mean, to her they’re just identical little metal discs full of annoying sounds that you alphabetize like files in an office.

RORY: I’m with you on that, but you’ve got to calm down.

LORELAI: I just wanna rearrange her whole house.

RORY: You can’t do that.

LORELAI: Please? Let me just mess up her bed. You make a distraction, like setting a fire, and I’ll run up and un-color-coordinate her sheets.

RORY: I think the fire would be the thing that she’d remember.

LORELAI: I could’ve been shopping. I could’ve been out buying shoes I’ll never wear. And all that stuff about me and thanking me and . . .

RORY: What?

LORELAI: Nothing. I know you’re always on my side.

RORY: It’s okay.

LORELAI: I’m sorry.

RORY: It’s okay. We should probably get back.

LORELAI: Yeah, probably. I’m gonna take one of Maureen’s little poppers and pop her right up her -

RORY: Mom. . .

LORELAI: Okay, let’s go. [Rory opens the door to leave, then Lorelai closes it] Uh, just. . .green’s the new pink?

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: Come on.

RORY: It’s stupid.

LORELAI: Thank you.

RORY: Let’s go.

CUT TO LUKE’S APARTMENT

[Luke walks in with some containers of food]

LUKE: Hey, I got dinner. Half an apple pie, too. Told the last couple people that wanted some that a fly landed in it.

JESS: Why are you going through my stuff?

LUKE: Huh?

JESS: Why are you going through all my stuff?

LUKE: I’m not.

JESS: So someone else is?

LUKE: I’m not going through your stuff.

JESS: You suck at lying.

LUKE: You’re paranoid.

JESS: Fine, I’m being paranoid, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going through my stuff.

LUKE: Get the forks.

JESS: Practically everything I own is in a slightly different place than when I saw it last. Now why are you going through my stuff?

LUKE: For your own good.

JESS: My own good? Can we be a little more Totalitarian here?

LUKE: Hey, how ‘bout I ask a question, Jess?

JESS: If it has to do with this, be my guest.

LUKE: Where’d you get the money for the car?

JESS: What?

LUKE: The car. Where’d you get the money?

JESS: I told you, I worked for it.

LUKE: I know what I pay you.

JESS: Okay, well, I do jobs around town.

LUKE: What jobs?

JESS: I clean rain gutters.

LUKE: Jess, if you cleaned every rain gutter from here to Vermont, you wouldn’t have enough money to buy that car. Now tell me where you got the money.

JESS: I’m not just doing rain gutters when I’m not working at the diner.

LUKE: What are you doing?

JESS: I go to a. . .a place that gives me money.

LUKE: For what?

JESS: For my services.

LUKE: What services? What place? [pause] Jess, are you a gigolo?

JESS: What?

LUKE: Well, I don’t know. You say you go to a place where they give you money. . .

JESS: I do.

LUKE: Where?

JESS: Wal-Mart.

LUKE: Excuse me?

JESS: I’ve been working there twelve hours a week for the past few months to get extra money for the car.

LUKE: Wal-Mart.

JESS: Yeah.

LUKE: You work at Wal-Mart?

JESS: Yeah.

LUKE: I cannot picture you working at Wal-Mart.

[Jess pulls a card out of his pocket and shows it to Luke]

LUKE: Oh my God, you work at Wal-Mart.

JESS: Let’s drop this now.

LUKE: Yeah, sure, fine. You’re not the guy that greets people at the door, are you?

JESS: We were dropping this.

LUKE: Come on.

JESS: I work in the back. I move stock around on a forklift.

LUKE: That takes a special license, doesn’t it?

JESS: I spent a Saturday afternoon taking the class and I got it like that, no biggie.

LUKE: Wow.

JESS: We done here?

LUKE: Yeah. You wear a vest and everything?

JESS: It’s the uniform, I have to.

LUKE: You’ve been sneaking out of here with a little vest hidden on you?

JESS: It’s not a little vest.

LUKE: Is it blue?

JESS: Will you stop talking about the vest?

LUKE: Do you get a store discount?

JESS: Fifteen percent. And if you want fifteen percent off anything, you’re not gonna get it ‘cause you’re being a jerk.

LUKE: My enjoyment is worth the loss.

JESS: I’m eating and ignoring you.

LUKE: Ah, you’re like the all-American boy.

JESS: Call me Dirk Squarejaw.

LUKE: Look at you.

JESS: What?

LUKE: Eating apple pie.

JESS: I’m outta here.

LUKE: Hey, wave a flag and sing "God Bless America", please?

JESS: Goodbye.

CUT TO INSIDE LORELAI’S CAR

[Lorelai and Rory are driving home from the shower]

RORY: You’re okay to drive, right?

LORELAI: I barely drank a thing.

RORY: I’m talking about your mood.

LORELAI: My mood is fine.

RORY: You’re still mad at Sherry.

LORELAI: No, I’m fine, and I’m fine to drive. Although sometimes, when I’m driving and it’s dark like this, I get the sudden urge to turn the wheel into oncoming traffic.

RORY: No, do not do Duane from "Annie Hall!"

LORELAI: I can see the flames, I can smell the smoke. . .

RORY: I hate this bit.

LORELAI: Okay, I’m creeping me out, too. Move those things, will you? They’re not the most fragrant food in the world.

[Rory moves a container away from Lorelai]

RORY: We shouldn’t have taken them.

LORELAI: We had no choice.

RORY: She was insistent.

LORELAI: "Take the deviled eggs!" How many times did the woman say it? And then her drunken friends hear it and they’re all shouting, "Take the deviled eggs!"

RORY: Every one of those ladies was slobbering drunk.

LORELAI: Maureen and Susan almost coming to blows was worth it, though. How did that happen, anyway?

RORY: From what I can tell, Susan said, "Bla ra um beh bleh," and Maureen took great offense.

LORELAI: Well, yeah.

RORY: You know, we didn’t have to stay that long.

LORELAI: Not according to Sherry. She made a very persuasive argument that if we left at six, there’d be an extra hour of sitting in traffic, so by leaving at seven we’d get home at the same time as leaving at six.

RORY: She’s very up on traffic flow and rush hour and all that.

LORELAI: She’s Rand McNally.

RORY: She should do traffic reports on the radio.

LORELAI: "Hi, this is Sherry Tinsdale. Looks like there’s a tie-up on the boulevard. They appear to be moving every building in Harvard University so now it’s just one point three miles from my house. Nice job, guys."

RORY: You’re awful.

LORELAI: "Oh, and lots of cars stopped at a blue light on Garvey Avenue. Why a blue light? Well, ‘cause blue’s the new red."

RORY: I like that you’re feeling better.

LORELAI: I’m not feeling better. I’m still. . .grrr! That medicine cabinet was not enough.

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: It was tame, and any one of those drunken yuppies could have messed it up.

RORY: They wouldn’t dare. Plus, when I went back in there, I cleaned it up.

LORELAI: Rory!

RORY: Let it go.

LORELAI: That was my catharsis.

RORY: Let it go.

LORELAI: No, that woman does something to me.

RORY: You’ve got to live and let live.

LORELAI: And bringing up Christopher like that. . .she must know what she’s doing.

RORY: I’m not sure she did.

LORELAI: I almost wish she was doing all this on purpose. I would respect her more.

RORY: I just hope Dad’s happy.

LORELAI: Happy? With Sherry and G.G., the five o’clock ballerina? No way. And to think that I sent him back to her a new man? Man!

RORY: Stop the car.

LORELAI: [stops the car] What? Why?

RORY: You want catharsis?

LORELAI: Yes.

RORY: I know what’ll do it for you.

LORELAI: What?

RORY: Jess’ car.

LORELAI: What?

RORY: We egg Jess’ car. It’s perfect.

LORELAI: Are you serious?

RORY: No one’s around, and it’s just sitting there.

LORELAI: Rory, if rearranging Sherry’s medicine cabinet is immature, what’s this?

RORY: Off the chart.

LORELAI: We can’t egg his car.

RORY: Sure we can.

LORELAI: Doose’s is closed and we don’t have any eggs at home.

[Rory holds up the container of deviled eggs]

LORELAI: You want to devil-egg Jess’ car? And how is that gonna make me feel better about Sherry?

RORY: Because it’s active! It’s aggressive! It’s destructive, but not too destructive! I don’t know. . .can you make something up?

LORELAI: Let’s do it.

RORY: Leave the engine running.

LORELAI: Good thinking.

[they get out of the car with the container and walk over to Jess’ car]

LORELAI: You first.

[Rory takes a deviled egg and throws is at Jess’ car]

LORELAI: Wow, nice.

RORY: It made a good sound, too.

LORELAI: How’d it feel?


RORY: Fantastic.

[Lorelai throws an egg at the car]

LORELAI: You’re right, that’s good.

RORY: Fun, huh?

LORELAI: I don’t think there’s been a better use of deviled eggs in culinary history.

[They each throw several more eggs until they run out]

LORELAI: That’s it?

RORY: All out.

LORELAI: Damn that Sherry for not sending more home with us!

RORY: Don’t lose your catharsis.

LORELAI: Right, sorry. Wait. . .

RORY: What?

LORELAI: Is that a siren?

RORY: I don’t hear anything.

LORELAI: Neither do I. It just seemed a cool thing to say at that moment.

RORY: It was.

LORELAI: Hey, let’s run back and speed off like we did something really awful and the cops are after us!

RORY: Run!

[they run toward the car]

LORELAI: Be prepared ‘cause I am gonna squeal out of here!

RORY: Go!

[they get into the car and shut the doors. Lorelai guns the engine, but the car doesn’t squeal]

RORY: Try again, try again.

[Lorelai tries it again, but it doesn’t squeal]

RORY: We’ll just make the noise ourselves.

LORELAI: Good deal.

[As they pull away, both of them make squealing noises]

BOTH: Eeeeeeeeeee!

CUT TO TOWN SQUARE

[The next morning, Lorelai and Rory walk past Jess’ car]

RORY: I wonder if he’s seen it yet.

LORELAI: Doesn’t look like it. Maybe we should’ve headed for the border.

RORY: Which border?

LORELAI: The one between America and Sephoraland?

[they meet up with Luke walking from the other direction]

RORY: Hey Luke.

LUKE: Hi. Just seeing what the mob scene is.

[He points to a group of people nearby]

LORELAI: The protest!

RORY: We almost forgot!

LORELAI: Come on!

[They walk over to the crowd]

LORELAI: So it’s the big day, huh?

BABETTE: Oh, it’s supposed to happen any minute.

RORY: Goody.

TAYLOR: This is hardly a goody, young lady. [to police officer] Are you locked and loaded, Officer?

OFFICER: I’m a tiger ready to pounce, Taylor.

LUKE: What’s with having the law here, Taylor?

BABETTE: Yeah, Taylor, this protest is gonna be very mellow, very peaceful.

TAYLOR: Well, you can hang out in Haight-Ashbury and drink as much electric Kool-Aid as you want, Babette, but I’m preparing for the worst.

KIRK: There he is.

[the Town Loner walks toward the church carrying a rolled up banner]

LUKE: What’s he carrying?

MISS PATTY: Something all rolled up.

TAYLOR: Probably a body.

RORY: It looks heavy, too.

LORELAI: Well, bodies are heavy.

TAYLOR: That’s not funny.

RORY: Somebody should give him a hand.

BABETTE: Oh, here comes someone.

[a man tries to help the Town Loner, but the Town Loner waves him away]

RORY: Oh, guess he doesn’t want help.

LORELAI: There’s a reason his name isn’t Town Gregarious Guy.

RORY: Very true.

TAYLOR: Do you even have bullets in that thing?

OFFICER: Oh yeah, I’m ready to pop some caps here.

[the Town Loner walks into the church]

RORY: There he goes.

MISS PATTY: Well, this is a very nice protest so far.

LORELAI: One of the best I’ve ever been to.

BABETTE: It’s fun seeing everybody like this.

LUKE: We see each other every day.

LORELAI: But we don’t all stand around in a clump like this.

LUKE: True.

ANDREW: We should have brought food.

MISS PATTY: Well, we’ll know better next time.

ANDREW: There he is again.

[the Town Loner appears at an open window in the church, ready to drop the banner]

MISS PATTY: It’s a banner.

TAYLOR: Probably laced with obscenity.

RORY: He’s dropping it!

LORELAI: This is exciting!

[the Town Loner releases the banner, but he releases it backwards so the displayed side in blank]

TAYLOR: It’s blank.

BABETTE: It’s the wrong side.

LORELAI: Turn it over!

[The Town Loner tries to fix it, but the banner rips and falls to the ground]

ANDREW: Did anyone see what it said?

KIRK: Just the flash of a word. It started with an "R."

LORELAI: Well, all right, then all we have to do is think of everything that someone could protest that starts with an "R", and then we’ll know what he’s protesting.

RORY: Ragu.

LORELAI: Ragu, yes, he could be protesting Ragu.

BABETTE: Reptiles.

LORELAI: That’s another.

KIRK: Robots.

LORELAI: Could be.

[the Town Loner yells something from the church tower, but it’s too muffled for anyone to understand]

TOWN LONER: Ix crosti sonnicello.

MISS PATTY: What did he say?

KIRK: His diction’s terrible.

BABETTE: I heard Jello, something about Jello.

ANDREW: Well, is he for Jello or against Jello?

LORELAI: It’s not clear.

TOWN LONER: Dopbanoodlestooz!

LORELAI: That was clearer. He said, "Stop the noodle scooz."

RORY: Stop the noodle scooz?

TAYLOR: That’s not even English.

BABETTE: And what does it have to do with Jello?

LUKE: I heard "Drop the student schools."

ANDREW: That must be it.

MISS PATTY: No, but that doesn’t make any sense either.

[The Town Loner yells something else]

TAYLOR: Oh, look, now we have to stop this. He could be saying horrible things, blasphemous things.

BABETTE: But how would you know?

RORY: Yeah, what’s the harm if we can’t even understand what he’s saying?

LORELAI: Hey, maybe that’s the Town Loner’s point. That, like, he’s protesting man’s inability to communicate by not communicating and getting us all to talk about communication.

RORY: Whoa, you are blowin’ my mind here.

KIRK: I’m seeing trails.

[Jess walks up to his car and sees the dried up eggs on it]

JESS: [calls to Luke] Luke! [Luke walks over to him] Did you see this?

LUKE: See what? What happened?

JESS: Someone egged my car.

LUKE: Geez, it stinks.

JESS: It’s gonna take me forever to clean this up.

LUKE: These eggs are cooked.

JESS: What?

LUKE: They’re not raw eggs. They look like. . . deviled eggs.

JESS: Someone devil-egged my car?

LUKE: Well, that is paprika.

JESS: Someone prepared deviled eggs to throw at my car?

LUKE: Man, they must hate you a lot. Hey, maybe it was the guy in the garden department.

JESS: I’m gonna go get something to clean this up.

LUKE: Or maybe it was the assistant night manager. You guys have words in the snack room?

[Luke and Jess walk away]

TAYLOR: First protest, now vandalism. Makes you think about leaving this town.

LORELAI: I never wanna leave this town.

BABETTER: Oop, guess he’s giving up.

LORELAI: It’s back to the hills, Town Loner, to protest another day.

[The Town Loner walks out of the church and picks up the banner, then walks away]

MISS PATTY: He doesn’t litter. That’s nice.

RORY: He looks so sad.

LORELAI: He’ll be fine. Mrs. Town Loner will cheer him up.

BABETTE: Whew. Let’s get upwind from Jess’ car.

[Lorelai and Rory walk toward Luke’s]

LORELAI: Breakfast?

RORY: Anything but eggs.

[They pass Jess, who is getting ready to clean off his car]

RORY: I was home all night last night.

LORELAI: So was I. We have alibis and everything.

THE END

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