written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino
transcript by Stacy
OPEN IN LORELAIS BEDROOM
[Lorelai is asleep in bed when her alarm goes off. She shuts it off, and a second later, several others start going off around her bedroom.]
LORELAI: You are hilarious!
[She gets up and walks down to the kitchen, where Luke is at the stove making breakfast]
LORELAI: Okay, see, last night, when I said to you, Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at seven, what I actually meant was, Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up at seven in case when seven comes, I actually wanna get up, which as it happened I didnt. Therefore, youre currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of 2002.
[She pulls a container of coffee out of the freezer]
LUKE: No survivors?
LORELAI: The one shaped like a bunny escaped with a mild decapitation. [smells the coffee] This is decaf.
LUKE: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: You switched my coffee again.
[Lorelai searches the kitchen for the regular coffee]
LUKE: Im a busy man. I dont have time to sneak around switching your coffee. I have a diner to run, I have shipments to order, I have things to flip and fry. Will you stop that?
[Lorelai finds the bag of regular coffee under the sink]
LORELAI: Ha, haha, hahaha! Under the sink, very clever, but not clever enough bucko.
LUKE: Okay, fine, you know what? I give up.
LORELAI: Woo hoo!
LUKE: Go one day without coffee.
LORELAI: Thats not giving up.
LUKE: Ill put a toy in your cereal.
LUKE: [hands her a plate of food] Fine, here, you win.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: Youre welcome. Now youre up, youre fed, Im leaving.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, we need q-tips.
LUKE: Ill alert the media.
LORELAI: See, thats better with the accent.
LUKE: The reference is enough, youll learn that one day. Ill be home early, anything besides the q-tips?
LORELAI: Um, cotton balls, world peace, Connie Chungs original face back.
[Luke kisses her]
LUKE: Goodbye crazy lady. [to Lorelais stomach] Goodbye Sid and Nancy.
LORELAI: Leopold and Loeb.
LORELAI: I changed my mind, dont tell Rory.
LUKE: Theyll both have two heads.
LORELAI: More to love.
[They kiss again and Luke walks out the back door]
CUT TO LORELAIS BEDROOM
[In the middle of the night, Lorelai wakes up suddenly from her dream. She falls out of the bed reaching for the phone]
LORELAI: Whoa! Ugh!
[She calls Rory at her dorm in Washington]
LORELAI: You have to come home.
LORELAI: Youre gone and the house is quiet and Bill Mahers canceled. The name of the show was Politically Incorrect for Gods sake. Didnt anybody read the title? He was supposed to say those things, dammit!
RORY: You had another dream.
RORY: The doctor is in.
LORELAI: Okay, Im lying in bed and Im sleeping and Im wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke!
RORY: Was he naked?
LORELAI: No! He was making breakfast.
LORELAI: Okay, youve been in Washington way too long.
RORY: Sorry. Go ahead, he was making breakfast. . .
LORELAI: Eggs and pancakes and bacon, and he put decaf coffee in my regular coffee bag, which of course I knew immediately.
RORY: Hi, the nose.
LORELAI: Exactly. So eventually I find the real stuff under the sink. He hands me my breakfast, and then . . .
LORELAI: He kissed me and talked to my stomach!
RORY: Why would he do that?
LORELAI: Because apparently Im pregnant!
LORELAI: With twins! [pause] Say something.
RORY: You are going to be so fat.
LORELAI: Just analyze my dream, please.
RORY: Okay. Well, your dream was telling you that you are secretly in love with Luke and you wanna marry him and have his twins.
LORELAI: Uh, no, try again.
RORY: What do you mean, try again? You asked me to analyze your dream, I analyzed your dream.
LORELAI: Yes, well, I reject that analysis, so Id like another one, please.
RORY: You cant just reject an analysis and try again. Youre not shopping for bathing suits here.
LORELAI: Give me another analysis or Ill put your Taylor hula-hooping dream into a whole other context.
RORY: I told you, Taylor was supposed to be Dean. I could tell by his freakishly thick head of hair.
LORELAI: Im waiting.
RORY: Okay, maybe youre still upset about what happened with Dad and youre jealous of Sherry because shes having his baby and not you. Mom?
LORELAI: I miss you.
RORY: I miss you, too.
PARIS: [sleeptalking in background] Woodward. . .Bernstein. . .Harry Thomason.
LORELAI: Is that Paris?
RORY: Yeah, she talks in her sleep. . . long in-depth arguments. Im so glad I only have one more day here.
LORELAI: Me, too. What do you have on your agenda for tomorrow? Or, today, actually.
RORY: We have a breakfast mixer with members of Congress and the Senate.
LORELAI: Cool. See if you can steal me something off of Tom Daschles fruit plate.
RORY: Ill see what I can do.
LORELAI: See you Friday, doc.
RORY: See you Friday.
[Rory walks to her desk and sits down, where she tries to work on a letter to Jess]
PARIS: [sleeptalking] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSONS HOUSE
[Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at the kitchen table]
LORELAI: No way.
SOOKIE: I swear.
LORELAI: Huh, Kosher bacon.
SOOKIE: Beef not pork.
LORELAI: I am so Jewish.
JACKSON: [from other room] Hey Sookie, wheres my
SOOKIE: Jackson, hold on! Lorelais here!
LORELAI: [covers eyes] Oh, Jackson, Im in the kitchen! Im eating bacon, so dont . . aye - eh - da - ahhh!
JACKSON: [walks into kitchen] Will you stop it? Im dressed.
LORELAI: Uh, well, how do I know you werent showering and the hot water went out and you rushed down here with nothing but a teeny tiny towel in front of ya.
JACKSON: Once, that happened once.
LORELAI: Well, once was enough.
SOOKIE: Oh, hey, honey, I got those paint chips that we were talking about. Do you wanna look at them now?
SOOKIE: But itll only take a minute and I actually went though and picked out a couple of colors for you.
LORELAI: What are you painting?
SOOKIE: The house.
LORELAI: The whole house?
SOOKIE: Just the inside.
LORELAI: Ah, thats a pretty big undertaking.
JACKSON: Its not such a big undertaking since were not undertaking it.
SOOKIE: I know, but itll be fun.
LORELAI: Rory and Ill help if you want.
JACKSON: Okay, if youre gonna come over here everyday, you have to actually hear both of us.
LORELAI: Oh. Well, tell me why youre not painting just the inside of the house?
SOOKIE: Because it was my house and now its our house and I want it to feel like our house.
JACKSON: Im totally happy with the way this house feels.
SOOKIE: How can you be? Theres flowers everywhere.
JACKSON: I like flowers Im a produce guy.
SOOKIE: The curtains are ruffly.
JACKSON: I like ruffles.
SOOKIE: How can you like ruffles?
JACKSON: Because Im very, very gay.
JACKSON: Judy, Vincent has to go to work now. Goodbye Lorelai. Tell her Im fine, I like things just the way they are.
LORELAI: Ill try.
LORELAI: All right, Ive only got a minute and then I have to leave. Is there any more bacon?
SOOKIE: Have mine. What do you think about mahogany for the living room and then midnight blue for the hallway and the bedroom?
LORELAI: Sookie, Jackson just said hes fine with how everything is. I dont think its bugging him.
SOOKIE: Well, he may not think so now but itll bug him eventually and then hell resent this place and me by extension and I would like to avoid that. And I can I just need to butch the place up a little. Now, help me pick a color.
LORELAI: Okay, I cant now, but Ill do it later.
LORELAI: Thanks for breakfast, it was amazing, I love you, I love the bacon. Oh, hey, bacons manly. Why dont you just nail a bunch of packages of Kosher bacon on the walls, huh? Smells like meat blessed by a rabbi now thats a manly house.
LORELAI: Okay, but if youre still thinking paint, youre still thinking like a chick.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[The town square is being set up for a festival. Lorelai walks toward Taylor, who is in an electric wheelchair giving orders to people.]
TAYLOR: Watch those streamers! And not too much red near that tree light touch, light touch, light touch.
LORELAI: Hey Taylor, hows the leg?
TAYLOR: Its just fine.
LORELAI: Still havent found out who put that banana peel on your doorstep, huh?
TAYLOR: No, but I have a list of suspects.
LORELAI: Hey, um, whats all this for?
TAYLOR: This, young lady, is for the first annual Stars Hollow End of Summer Madness Festival.
LORELAI: You finally found a way to fill September, didnt ya?
TAYLOR: This is gonna be a very exciting day. Im really gonna go all out for this. I even think youll be impressed.
LORELAI: Really, even me?
TAYLOR: Yes-sir-ee, mini-me, I did not put the word madness in the title for nothing. This place is gonna be crazy, wild food, games, weve even got a band coming all the way from New York!
LORELAI: New York thats just nuts!
TAYLOR: And wait til you see the banner I ordered. Its gonna make every other banner weve ever had look downright embarrassing.
LORELAI: Taylor, youre on fire.
TAYLOR: Oh, I love this banner!
LORELAI: I cant wait to see it.
TAYLOR: Well, come on Friday. [to girl walking by] Uh, excuse me, uh, young lady. . .young lady? You know Im talking to you. The blonde woman with the ribbons, please slow down. Im in a wheelchair, young lady, I cant run after you.
[As Taylor follows the girl off camera, Lorelai stares into Lukes Diner then sadly walks away]
CUT TO WASHINGTON
[At the Junior Leadership breakfast, Paris is talking with Senator Barbara Boxer]
PARIS: I mean, come on, Senator Boxer, as one of our foremost Democratic leaders, I ask you do you really think it looks good to have the American Secretary of the Treasury traveling around with Bono? I mean, I know apparently hes a saint, hes going to save the world, yada, yada, yada, but my God! He never even takes the sunglasses off. We have an image to maintain, dont we? I mean, arent we at least trying to pretend were the superpower in this world? I mean, why not just send Carson Daly over to the Middle East next time Cheney goes, huh? Or hey, hook up Freddie Prinze Jr. with Colin Powell next time he meets with NATO. I mean, hell! Lets hear what Freddie has to say, right?
[A man walks by and the Senator grabs his arm]
SENATOR BOXER: Oh, great, Doug. Uh, Paris, do you know Republican Congressman Doug Ose from California? You dont? Great. You two will have so much to talk about. Bye. [walks away]
CONGRESSMAN OSE: Uh, Barbara
PARIS: Ose, right?
CONGRESSMAN OSE: Yes thats right.
PARIS: Lets take a walk.
[cut to Rory at one of the food tables. As she gets herself some coffee, a boy walks up to her]
JAMIE: Last day here.
JAMIE: So, in your opinion, how was our nations capital?
RORY: Well, I got to see Archie Bunkers chair at the Smithsonian Museum, so it was a big thumbs up for me.
JAMIE: Yes, there are times when this countrys priorities are exactly right. So, wheres Paris?
RORY: Hm, not quite sure. Last time I saw her, she was beating the will to live out of our nations representatives.
JAMIE: She is a hammer, isnt she?
RORY: Actually, shes the entire toolbox.
[Paris walks up to them]
PARIS: Damn. I always seem to catch the most interesting politicians right when they have to use the bathroom. Hey Jamie.
[Paris walks over to another table and Jamie follows her]
JAMIE: Paris. Just came over to let you know I got a little sneak peak at the final debate pairings for today. It seems like you and I are going to be on the same side this time.
PARIS: Youre kidding? Youd think theyd like to give someone else a fighting chance for once.
JAMIE: Apparently not.
PARIS: God, I love this. You dont realize how unqualified most of Americas youth is until you gather them all up in a room and make them speak. So, who are we up against?
JAMIE: Jason Roundsevault and Ty Fredericks.
PARIS: Perfect. Jasons got asthma and Ty cries.
JAMIE: Okay, so we should meet early and go over strategy, make sure you bought enough Kleenex.
PARIS: Good, good.
JAMIE: And then tonight we should get together and celebrate over dinner.
PARIS: What if we dont win?
JAMIE: Dont lose it on me now.
PARIS: Youre right.
JAMIE: So, dinner?
JAMIE: Good, Ill swing around for you about seven.
JAMIE: Okay, see you at the slaughter.
[Jamie walks away and Rory walks over to Paris]
PARIS: Yeah, can you imagine pairing me with Jamie? I mean, why not just line the hallways with self esteem counselors right now.
RORY: What do you mean what? He just asked you out on a date.
PARIS: He did not.
RORY: Yes, he did. Youre having dinner with Jamie tonight.
PARIS: Its a victory dinner, thats it.
RORY: Paris, if he just wanted to celebrate winning a debate, you guys couldve had coffee afterward, but he asked you out on a date.
PARIS: He did?
PARIS: Did I accept?
PARIS: Im going on a date?
RORY: Yes, you are.
PARIS: Oh man, I cant believe this! I finally get asked out on a date and I missed it? Was it a good ask-out?
RORY: It was a very good ask-out.
PARIS: God, I wish Id been there.
RORY: Well, youll be there tonight.
PARIS: Tonight? Tonight I have a date. Tonight I have a date with Jamie a Princeton man. I can overlook that. Oh my God, I cant believe it. . .I have a date.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Michel is at the front desk talking to Kirk]
KIRK: One day it occurred to me, cows never wrinkle.
KIRK: Think about it have you ever seen a wrinkled cow? No, not once. So I thought to myself, "That is weird."
MICHEL: Yes, that and other things.
KIRK: So I decided to do a little research. I studied cows, I studied humans, and finally I discovered the secret the secret of the cows.
LORELAI: [walking up to them] Michel, could you, uh. . .hi Kirk.
MICHEL: Oh, good, just in time. Kirk here is about to tell us the difference between cows and humans.
LORELAI: You mean, other than ones a cow?
MICHEL: Shh. Go ahead, Kirk.
KIRK: Hay, its hay cows eat hay. And after some experimentation and a great deal of research, I developed what I believe to be the next great skin care product to sweep the nation. [shows them a bottle]
LORELAI: [reads the label] Hay There.
KIRK: A complete line of creams, balms, toning lotions, and cleansing liquids.
LORELAI: Kirk, we already have a skin care line here, Im sorry.
KIRK: I am willing to give you three cases of "Hay There" skin products absolutely free of charge. Try them, you will see what Im talking about.
LORELAI: Well, uh, thank you very much, Kirk. . . but, Im sorry dont cows eat grass?
KIRK: Sometimes, but "Grass There" is a bad name. [leaves]
MICHEL: So sad not to have a cocktail in your hand every time he comes by, no?
[the phone rings]
LORELAI: [answers] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
EMILY: What day is this?
EMILY: What day is this?
LORELAI: Mom, I have a group of
EMILY: Its Thursday.
LORELAI: Thank God. Now, could I possibly
EMILY: Thursday the what, Lorelai?
EMILY: Thursday the third. And what was happening Thursday the third, Lorelai?
LORELAI: I believe it was the day I was supposed to chew my own head off.
EMILY: Your father and I were coming home from Marthas Vineyard.
LORELAI: I know you were.
EMILY: And you said that when we got home, you were going to call us.
LORELAI: I know I did.
EMILY: Well, were home, and yet theres no call, no message, no card.
LORELAI: Mom, its eleven oclock in the morning. I said I would call you on Thursday, I didnt say when on Thursday, I just said Thursday. Technically I havent screwed up for another twelve hours.
EMILY: Lorelai, everyone knows that you are supposed to call people as soon as they have arrived home. Thats the polite way to do it.
LORELAI: You didnt tell me what time you were coming home.
EMILY: Well, you never asked what time we were coming home.
LORELAI: Yes, but you never told me so theres no way I could know, so even though I didnt ask I still didnt know and its only elev. . .Im sorry.
EMILY: Apology accepted. Now I assume well be seeing you and Rory for dinner tomorrow?
LORELAI: Uh, youll see me but Rory doesnt get back til Saturday.
EMILY: Oh, what a shame. I thought she was coming back tomorrow.
LORELAI: Nope, shes coming back Saturday.
EMILY: Well, Im very disappointed. I had it written down for tomorrow.
LORELAI: Well, you mustve written it down wrong, Mom. Shes coming home Saturday.
EMILY: Your father thought it was tomorrow, also.
LORELAI: See you at seven.
EMILY: Hold a moment, Lorelai. Do you know where Christopher is?
LORELAI: Um, why?
EMILY: We wanted him to come with you and Rory tomorrow, even though apparently Rorys getting back Saturday, though I couldnt sworn it was tomorrow.
LORELAI: Christophers away on business but Ill tell him you invited him.
EMILY: And tell him to come with you two next week. I wanna see the three of you together.
LORELAI: Yes, that would be a nice picture.
EMILY: All right, see you tomorrow.
LORELAI: Yes, you will. Bye.
CUT TO WASHINGTON DORM ROOM
[Rory is on the phone with Dean while Paris gets ready for her date]
RORY: My plane gets in at three.
DEAN: Im in at six.
PARIS: Red, purple, green where the hell is it?
RORY: That gives me three hours to look presentable. Hm, perhaps Ill go blonde.
DEAN: I strongly request that you dont.
RORY: Afraid of change?
DEAN: No, I just like what I have.
RORY: I like a man who settles.
DEAN: I miss you.
RORY: I miss you, too.
PARIS: Hey, hey, stop being cute. I need help here.
RORY: I have to go. Paris is melting down.
RORY: She has a date tonight.
PARIS: Dont sound so surprised.
RORY: How do you know he sounded surprised?
PARIS: Because Im a genius, Rory. I have deep and powerful clairvoyant abilities.
RORY: Oh boy.
PARIS: For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like how and why and Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end! will immediately fly out of peoples mouths.
RORY: I have to go.
DEAN: Are you sure its safe?
RORY: Ill be fine. Ill see you Friday.
DEAN: See you Friday. I love you.
PARIS: Thats it, Im shaving my head.
RORY: Gotta go. [hangs up] Okay, Paris, you have got to calm down.
PARIS: I had a black sweater and now its gone.
RORY: Im not just talking about right now in general, you need to calm down.
PARIS: Hes almost here, Im not dressed, my makeups not done, and I havent gone through the Zagat yet to pick out a restaurant.
RORY: Why dont you just let him pick out the restaurant?
PARIS: What if he doesnt have a Zagat?
RORY: Well, then hell wing it.
PARIS: Wing it? How come other girls get planned out dinners? Flowers, candy, rose petals thrown on the floors and I get wing it?
RORY: Well, you dont know that youve got wing it.
PARIS: No, I do. Ive got wing it. I cant do this.
PARIS: Date. I cant date. Im not genetically set up for it.
RORY: Not true.
PARIS: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. Im covered in hives, Ive showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesnt even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we dont wind up in a restaurant thats really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?
PARIS: Its a dare. He was dared to take me out. I bet Trent Lott was behind this.
RORY: Trent Lott did not dare Jamie to take you out. Close. Jamie likes you and he asked you out because he likes you. Now look up.
PARIS: Maybe I shouldnt go. I mean, what if I fall for him and he doesnt like me?
RORY: Then youll find someone else.
PARIS: But what if there is no one else?
RORY: Then youll buy some cats.
PARIS: I wish I knew if he was right for me, you know? So I dont put myself through all of this for nothing. I mean, women fall for men who are wrong for them all of the time, and then they get sidetracked from their goals. They give up careers and become alcoholics and, if youre Sunny von Bülow, wind up in a coma completely incapable of stopping Glenn Close from playing you in a movie.
RORY: I think you should wear your hair down.
PARIS: How do you know if a guy is right for you?
RORY: You just have to feel it.
PARIS: All I feel is my back breaking out.
RORY: Youll know, okay? You just have to let it happen. And then, probably when youre not looking, youll find someone who compliments you.
RORY: Someone who likes what you like, someone who reads the same books or listens to the same music or likes to trash the same movies. Someone compatible.
RORY: But not so compatible that theyre boring.
PARIS: Someone whos compatible but not compatible.
RORY: Yeah, kind of. I mean, you respect each others opinions and you can laugh at the same jokes, but I dont know theres just something about not quite knowing what the other persons gonna do at all times thats just really exciting. Look, just have a good time, youll figure it out.
PARIS: Yeah, well, I hope I figure it out fast. . .before I throw up.
[theres a knock at the door]
PARIS: Thats him.
RORY: Turn around.
PARIS: Thanks. Now get in the closet.
PARIS: If he comes in here and sees you, he wont wanna date me anymore.
RORY: Paris, thats crazy! Hes seen me hes seen me for weeks.
PARIS: Yes, in conferences, crowded lecture halls, badly lit banquet rooms with crappy food smells, not at night when its dating time and hes thinking about dating and youre standing there looking all datable.
RORY: Im not looking datable.
PARIS: Please? I cant risk it. At least if theres nothing to compare me to, then Ive got a fighting chance, please!
RORY: Okay, but when you get home, you need to get a new therapist because the one you have is really not working. [goes into the closet]
PARIS: Thanks for helping me get ready.
RORY: [from inside closet] Any time.
[Paris answers the door]
JAMIE: Hello. You look very nice.
PARIS: Well, this is a really good sweater.
JAMIE: So, shall we get going?
PARIS: Oh, sure, sure.
JAMIE: Do you like Italian food?
PARIS: I love Italian food.
JAMIE: Good. Ive made a reservation at a great place. Well, at least, thats what the Zagat guide says.
PARIS: Youre perfect.
JAMIE: Lets go.
CUT TO KIMS ANTIQUES
[Lorelai and Sookie are browsing]
SOOKIE: How could you not tell them?
LORELAI: Well, they left two days after your wedding and they were in Marthas Vineyard all summer. It just seemed quieter.
SOOKIE: What do you think, manly? [holds up a statue]
LORELAI: In an Oscar Wilde sort of way, absolutely.
SOOKIE: You know, youre gonna have to tell them tonight, right? I mean, the subject will come up. They probably think you and Christopher are heading down the aisle any day now.
LORELAI: Ugh, I know, I know.
SOOKIE: A shaving table, its perfect!
LORELAI: And twelve hundred dollars.
SOOKIE: Twelve hundred dollars for what?
MRS. KIM: What do you mean, for what? This is an antique.
SOOKIE: Where does she come from?
MRS. KIM: This was Shermans shaving table.
MRS. KIM: General Sherman, famous man, burned Atlanta, liked a close shave.
LORELAI: Wow, historical.
MRS. KIM: All original, perfect shape. I give you ten percent off, you want it?
SOOKIE: Oh, well, maybe. I just wanted to look around a little bit first. . .but its very nice.
MRS. KIM: I know its very nice. [walks away]
LORELAI: Boy, she wouldve made a great nun.
SOOKIE: So how are you planning on telling them?
LORELAI: I thought Id do it like Nell. You know, chicka chicka chickabee.
SOOKIE: Yeah, thats a very good idea.
LORELAI: Ill tell them, I promise.
SOOKIE: Oh, oh my God, look! [walks over to a fish mounted on a piece of wood]
SOOKIE: For over the mantelpiece. Its perfect!
LORELAI: Its a dead fish.
SOOKIE: Its an antique stuffed and mounted trout, and I think its manly.
LORELAI: Oh, please!
SOOKIE: It is! Its very Ralph Lauren.
LORELAI: Sookie, Jackson loves you. Youre not seriously telling me the future of your marriage depends on Leon Troutsky over there.
SOOKIE: I guess not.
LORELAI: Just think about it, okay? You dont have to make every decision right now. Do a little more shopping. Maybe youll find something even more disgusting someplace else.
LORELAI: Okay, I gotta go pick up Rory at the airport, and then well swing by and pick up you guys for the festival.
LORELAI: Okay, see you later.
[Lorelai walks toward the door and stops to talk to Mrs. Kim.]
LORELAI: Ten bucks if you dont let her buy the fish.
MRS. KIM: Twenty.
LORELAI: [laughs] Youre kidding?
MRS. KIM: I never kid.
LORELAI: You know, I believe that.
CUT TO AIRPORT
[Rory walks out of her gate; Lorelai calls to her from across the room]
LORELAI: Hey Gilmore!
[They run to each other and hug, then fall on the ground]
LORELAI: Ow, ow!
LORELAI: Oh, oh! Luckily there are video cameras everywhere that caught that very graceful moment on tape.
RORY: I am so glad to see you!
LORELAI: No, Im glad to see you!
RORY: Im never leaving home again.
LORELAI: Oh, thats my emotionally stunted girl! Hey, I got you gifts.
RORY: What? Im the one that left town, Im supposed to get you gifts.
LORELAI: Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.
RORY: You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?
LORELAI: Just a little.
RORY: How much is a little?
LORELAI: Learn Russian. Okay, here you go. [pulls a shirt out of the gift bag]
RORY: Wow, a Hartford, Connecticut sweatshirt.
LORELAI: Nice, huh?
RORY: [looks through the gift bags] Hartford, Connecticut notebook, Hartford, Connecticut pencil set, a Hartford, Connecticut shot glass.
LORELAI: And beer mug!
RORY: Hartford baguette, Hartford bear, a Hartford sunglasses.
LORELAI: You like?
RORY: I love.
LORELAI: All right, lets go. Well get your bags, then well hit the road, and I cant wait to hear all about Washington. And, by the way, I got you out of dinner with the Gilmores tonight. I thought you and Dean might enjoy a little Peaches and Herb time together.
RORY: Oh, thanks. Whatd you tell em?
LORELAI: That you get home tomorrow.
RORY: Big fat lie.
LORELAI: Yes, which proves how much I love you. The fact that I was willing to lie to my own parents who I never lie to just so you could have a night of happiness is proof positive of my deep undying devotion that I have for you.
RORY: I appreciate that.
LORELAI: And all that devotion can be yours for the low, low price of $29.95!
RORY: Forget it.
LORELAI: Okay, Ill throw in a set of steak knives.
RORY: My bags, please?
LORELAI: Are you telling me that you want this gesture of love for free? What kind of world are you living in?
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door with Rorys bags]
LORELAI: Oh my God, you do know one option was leaving some of your books at home?
RORY: Hey, I offered to carry that one.
LORELAI: Next time, dont offer insist. Look, Im lopsided now.
RORY: I cant believe Im home. I feel like Ive been away forever.
LORELAI: I agree.
RORY: Hello living room.
LORELAI: Hello Rory, we missed you. Not the ottoman, of course, but everyone knows hes a snob. Napoleon complex, he only really likes the magazine rack.
RORY: Oh my God, I missed everything. My kitchen, my room, my books, my CDs, my stuff. Wheres my pillow?
RORY: You took my pillow.
LORELAI: I did not take your pillow.
RORY: You waited until I left, you went into my room, and you took my pillow.
LORELAI: Well, you werent using it.
RORY: What else did you take?
LORELAI: Nothing. Your comforter came into my room by itself. . .and brought your Bauhaus T-shirt with it.
RORY: I want my stuff back by tomorrow morning.
LORELAI: Just cause you leave doesnt mean the world stops.
RORY: By noon.
[Lorelai pushes the play button on the answering machine]
CHRISTOPHER: [on machine] Lor, its me, please just call
[Lorelai deletes the message]
RORY: Still havent talked to him yet, huh?
LORELAI: No, you?
LORELAI: Hes called.
RORY: I know. Hes called me, too.
LORELAI: I just. . .I dont really know what to say.
RORY: How long are you gonna freeze him out for?
LORELAI: I dont know.
RORY: I dont know either.
LORELAI: I have to tell my parents tonight.
RORY: Are you sure you dont want me to go with you and . . . I dont know, distract em?
LORELAI: No, youve got Dean coming over. Ill be fine. Ill bring them something shiny.
RORY: Okay, Im gonna go change then.
LORELAI: For what?
RORY: The festival.
LORELAI: Hon, you know what, if you dont wanna go, we dont have to go.
RORY: Why would I not wanna go? Of course I wanna go.
LORELAI: You just got home, youve got Dean coming over.
RORY: No, I wanna go. I wanna go because this is our town and we need to support these things.
LORELAI: All right, but. . .you dont have to change for that.
RORY: Well, Ive been away for awhile, I wanna make a nice impression.
LORELAI: On who?
RORY: Whoever has to look at me.
[they walk into Rorys bedroom]
LORELAI: All right, just hustle. I promised Jackson and Sookie Id pick them up along the way.
RORY: Ill just be a minute.
LORELAI: No woman is ever a minute when she changes.
RORY: Do not judge me by your own standards. [pulls out a dress]
LORELAI: Wow, fancy.
RORY: Not fancy.
LORELAI: You know, youll have time to come home and change for Dean.
RORY: Well, I can just change now, then I wont have to do it later.
LORELAI: Okay. Hey Rory, I dont want you to freeze out your dad because I am.
RORY: Im not.
LORELAI: Cause Im fine if you wanna go back to the way things were.
RORY: I think that would be a little hard this time.
LORELAI: Okay, maybe not now, but eventually.
RORY: Eventually, maybe, but for now solidarity sister.
LORELAI: Ya ya!
RORY: Youve been waiting for six weeks to do that, havent you?
LORELAI: Ya ya!
RORY: Ill just be a minute.
CUT TO OUTSIDE
[Lorelai and Rory walk out of some bushes near Sookie and Jacksons house]
LORELAI: See, three minutes faster. I also found a way to get to Als Pancake World that shaves a good forty seconds off our normal route.
RORY: You were really bored when I was gone, werent you?
LORELAI: You have no idea.
[As they walk up Sookie and Jacksons front steps, they hear yelling from inside]
JACKSON: Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
SOOKIE: I dont understand why youre so upset.
JACKSON: How can you not understand? I told you a thousand times.
SOOKIE: I thought you were just being nice.
[Lorelai and Rory peek through the front door. Sookie has redecorated the living room and filled it with masculine objects]
JACKSON: Nice! Sookie, look at this place!
SOOKIE: I think it looks nice.
JACKSON: Nice. . .nice? This is nice. . .this is nice? [points to a life-sized stuffed grizzly bear]
SOOKIE: Well, its masculine!
JACKSON: No, its terrifying! I swear Im gonna come out in the middle of the night for a drink of water, turn around, hit the floor and play dead!
SOOKIE: Okay, so, we have a little work to do.
JACKSON: Just put it back the way it was.
SOOKIE: No, I want you to be happy!
JACKSON: I was happy, I told you I was happy, you just didnt wanna believe I was happy!
[Lorelai and Rory walk away from the house and walk toward the festival]
LORELAI: Well just check on them a little later.
RORY: Excellent idea.
[they walk into the crowd]
LORELAI: Okay, so, do we do cheese stick, hot dog, cotton candy, or do we mix it up a little start with the cotton candy and end with the cheese stick? Who are you looking for?
RORY: No one, Im just taking in all the madness, thats all.
[Kirk walks up to them]
KIRK: Lorelai, good. Have you used the cream yet?
LORELAI: Uh, not yet, Kirk.
KIRK: Good, theres been a little problem.
LORELAI: What kind of problem?
KIRK: Nothing of major concern. It just seems that with continual use, the cream develops some weird reactions to light. . .and air. . .and movement.
LORELAI: Are you serious?
KIRK: Dont worry, its just a small kink. Itll all be worked out soon.
LORELAI: I have three cases of that stuff sitting at the inn.
KIRK: Well, get rid of it.
KIRK: Uh, but dont throw it in the trash. Apparently, that would be an EPA violation.
LORELAI: What am I supposed to do with the stuff?
KIRK: Shooting it into space is about all Ive got now.
KIRK: Ill pick up the cases tomorrow.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Kirk walks away]
LORELAI: Do you sometimes think this town is weird or is it just me?
[Lorelai and Rory walk up to Taylor]
LORELAI: Hey Taylor, is this where the mosh pit starts?
TAYLOR: Well, hello Lorelai, Rory. So what do you think of the band? Pretty big city, dont you think?
LORELAI: Mm, I sure do.
LORELAI: What? Im agreeing with you. They are smokin!
TAYLOR: I do not care for that sarcastic tone, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well. . .uh. . .no, Im being nice here!
TAYLOR: You have an opinion on everything. Nothing is ever up to your standards.
LORELAI: That is not true. Im sure these guys are all great barbers.
TAYLOR: I dont even know why I bother. [leaves]
LORELAI: That is it I have been it for the last. . .[sees Rory staring off at something] What? [sees Jess and a girl kissing against a tree] Oh, well, looks like hes got his what I did this summer essay all researched and ready to go. Guess you dodged a bullet there, huh?
RORY: What do you mean?
LORELAI: I dont know. It seems kind of lucky that you didnt throw everything away for Jess when you see. . .
RORY: See what? What am I seeing?
LORELAI: Youre upset.
RORY: No, Im not upset.
LORELAI: Yes, you are upset. I know when youre upset cause you look like my mother.
RORY: Thanks a lot.
LORELAI: You like my mother.
RORY: Yes, but you dont like your mother, so when you tell me that I look like your mother, its not exactly a compliment.
LORELAI: Honey, what is wrong?
RORY: Oh God!
LORELAI: What is it?
RORY: Its that!
LORELAI: Youre upset about Jess?
RORY: I said yes.
LORELAI: Yes, its Jess?
RORY: Youre not being funny.
LORELAI: Its not my fault that yes and Jess rhyme. Did I exploit the opportunity, of course I did, but . . .Rory, come on. I know you had this crush
RORY: It wasnt a crush.
LORELAI: Well, I thought it was over. I mean, you havent talked to him since
RORY: Sookies wedding.
LORELAI: You talked to him at Sookies wedding?
LORELAI: He wasnt at Sookies wedding.
RORY: Yes, he was. He had just come back and he came to see me.
LORELAI: Okay, so he crashed Sookies wedding, and. . .
RORY: And nothing. He told me that he was back in town, that hed moved back, and. . .
LORELAI: What Rory? Come on.
RORY: And we kissed, okay?
LORELAI: You kissed?
LORELAI: You kissed, like. . .you kissed?
LORELAI: Okay, who kissed who?
RORY: What does that matter?
LORELAI: Because it matters. Did he kiss you, did you kiss each other, did you trip and your faces accidentally .
RORY: I kissed him.
RORY: And I dont know, I thought he came back here because he liked me or something, and I kissed him and he kissed me back, and now hes over there and I feel so stupid and. . .that girl isnt even his type and -
LORELAI: Rory, what are you doing?
RORY: What do you mean, what am I doing? Im ranting. You should recognize this, I learned it from you.
LORELAI: Yeah, but you went to Sookies wedding with. . .with Dean.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: And then you ran off to have some thing with Jess.
RORY: It was a kiss, not a thing.
LORELAI: A kiss is a thing.
RORY: Well, it wasnt planned, it just happened.
LORELAI: I cant believe it. All this time Im thinking, Shes with Dean.
RORY: I am with Dean.
LORELAI: No, Rory kissing another guy is not being with Dean. Ask him, I bet hed back me up on that.
RORY: It was nothing.
LORELAI: Well, then why are you so freaked out?
RORY: Im not freaked out.
LORELAI: Look, kid, you have gotta make up your mind. Jess, Dean, Jess, Dean its enough already. If you want Jess, thats fine go get him, there he is. If you think thats the great love of your life, then great. . .grab a liver treat and a squeaky toy and run to him. Dont worry about that girl because Im sure he will have moved onto somebody else in about an hour. But do something. Dean has been sweet and supportive and incredibly patient, and now you are officially treating him like dirt, and Im sorry, but not only is that not you, he doesnt deserve that. God, I wish they knew another song!
RORY: I know all of this about Dean.
LORELAI: You do?
RORY: Yes, I do. I know how great he is. I knew it before you did!
LORELAI: Well, knowing this has apparently not stopped you from dragging his heart all over this town.
RORY: Not fair!
LORELAI: Yes, fair, the fairest, the Snow White of fair.
RORY: I dont wanna talk to you about this anymore.
LORELAI: Okay, listen, if you dont wanna be with Dean anymore, cut him loose. Let him find someone who does because this is just so. . .wrong!
RORY: All right, I get it, I . . .just stop!
DEAN: [calls from across the street] Rory! [walks over to them] Hey.
LORELAI: Hi Dean.
RORY: I thought your plane didnt get in til six.
DEAN: Well, I managed to get an earlier flight.
LORELAI: Well, Im off to dinner with the parents.
DEAN: Do you have
LORELAI: No, shes off the hook. You guys have all night to. . .talk. Enjoy. Good to have you back, Dean.
LORELAI: See you later. [leaves]
DEAN: So, did I interrupt something?
RORY: No, nothing. Uh, we were just. . .hi, youre back.
DEAN: Yeah, Im back and Im glad to find you not blonde.
RORY: Yeah, I was just having way too much fun, so . . .
DEAN: I missed you.
RORY: I missed you, too.
CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE
[The doorbell rings; Emily answers the door]
EMILY: Lorelai, nice to see you.
LORELAI: Oh, sorry Im late, Mom.
EMILY: No, dont be sorry. Thats what the warm setting was invented for. Richard, Lorelais here!
LORELAI: Um, Mom, before we get the evening started and all, I wanna tell you something.
EMILY: Well, tell me outside.
LORELAI: No, Ill just do it here.
LORELAI: Oh, theres just something about standing near the exit thats really working for me.
EMILY: Youre being silly, you dont discuss things standing by a door. Come outside, come on.
RICHARD: I may have to take one more call tonight, Emily. Ben Stellen and I got cut off. Hello Lorelai.
EMILY: Well, come outside with us until he calls back. Lorelais about to tell us something.
RICHARD: Oh, perhaps that shes decided to buy an accurate timepiece.
EMILY: Oh, Richard. [they start walking to the back patio] Is Rory okay?
LORELAI: Oh, yes, Rorys fine, Im fine, everythings fine, its really not that big a deal.
RICHARD: What would you like to drink?
LORELAI: Oh, whatever.
RICHARD: I cant read minds, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I really dont care, Dad. Whatever you have.
RICHARD: We have everything, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Al right, Ill have a Yaegermeister and a Jell-O shot.
RICHARD: Uh, excuse me?
LORELAI: White wine.
EMILY: All right, sit, sit. [they sit down] Now go ahead, tell us.
LORELAI: Okay, well
EMILY: Oh, wait just a second. We brought you something from Marthas Vineyard.
LORELAI: Oh, thats great, but maybe we could just do. . . [Emily hands her a gift bag]. . .okay, I guess its present time.
EMILY: Open it.
[pulls something out of the bag]
LORELAI: Scone mix, wow.
EMILY: This new little place opened right down the road from our house and they make these wonderful scones, and that is their mix so you can make them right in your own kitchen.
LORELAI: Well, thanks, Mom. I will put this right on the counter and stare at it for many years to come.
EMILY: Youre not going to make them?
LORELAI: Oh, Im not really much of a baker.
EMILY: But the instructions are right there on the back.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know, but still.
EMILY: Still what? Those are good scones.
LORELAI: Hey, maybe Ill give this to Sookie and shell bake them.
EMILY: I dont understand why you simply cant follow those directions and make the scones.
RICHARD: Rory would love those scones.
LORELAI: Okay, I promise one way or another, the scones will get eaten. That being said, can we please move on?
EMILY: Fine, go ahead, talk, were listening.
LORELAI: Um, okay, well, um, its about Christopher.
EMILY: Oh, that reminds me, we got him a captains hat. Richard, where is that hat? Lorelai can bring it to him.
LORELAI: No, I cant!
EMILY: Why not?
LORELAI: Well, its just, um. . .Chris and I arent . . .
RICHARD: Arent what?
EMILY: They arent together anymore, Richard.
RICHARD: Why not?
EMILY: Im sure a vague reason is forthcoming.
LORELAI: It just didnt work out, thats all.
EMILY: And there it is.
LORELAI: I know youre disappointed.
EMILY: Disappointed, oh please! Lorelai, this is ridiculous. The two of you arent in high school anymore.
LORELAI: I know.
RICHARD: Emily, lets not talk about this.
EMILY: No, we are going to talk about it. Youre running around like you have no responsibility in life, like you can flit from thing to thing. . .
LORELAI: Thats not true.
EMILY:. . .from man to man.
LORELAI: I dont flit from man to man.
EMILY: You have a daughter, this affects Rory too, you know!
RICHARD: Emily, youre wasting your breath.
LORELAI: I know this affects Rory. Im not doing this lightly. In fact, Im not doing anything at all.
RICHARD: Theres no reason to raise your voice.
LORELAI: I cant believe this.
EMILY: I wanna know why. I want a reason. I dont want any of this just because and it just didnt work out nonsense. I want a solid, adult reason why the father of my granddaughter and her mother cant seem to put a family together.
LORELAI: His girlfriend is pregnant.
LORELAI: Sherry is pregnant, and when Christopher found out, he went back to her and that, Mother, is the reason.
EMILY: Are they getting married?
LORELAI: I dont know probably.
RICHARD: Oh, of course theyre getting married.
EMILY: How do you know?
RICHARD: I know because I know Christopher, and Christopher always tries to do the right thing.
EMILY: The right thing is for him to be with his family. Lorelai and Rory are his family. He met this woman two minutes ago.
RICHARD: Emily, he is going to be a father.
EMILY: He already is a father!
LORELAI: I really really dont wanna discuss this anymore.
EMILY: Lorelai, you have to talk to him.
LORELAI: Theres nothing to talk about.
EMILY: Tell him you wanna get married.
LORELAI: Okay, Mom, please stop.
RICHARD: Yes, Emily, please stop. You know that Lorelai never does anything unless she wants to no matter the consequences to anyone else.
LORELAI: Whats that supposed to mean?
EMILY: Lorelai wants to be with Christopher, she told us that at the wedding.
RICHARD: Yes, and now the wind has changed.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
RICHARD: Christopher is living up to his responsibilities as he tried to do many years ago with Lorelai, then she turned him down and turned him away.
LORELAI: I was sixteen.
RICHARD: If Christopher has found someone who will actually allow him to be a father to his own child, then of course, thats what hes going to do.
EMILY: So you support this?
RICHARD: I understand this.
EMILY: I am appalled by your attitude.
RICHARD: And I am shocked by your naïveté. Did you really expect this to work out? Did you really have pictures of Norman Rockwell family Christmases dancing in your head? Lorelai had her chance for a family, she walked away from it. That was her choice. He has a chance to be a father. I applaud him.
EMILY: Then youre an idiot.
RICHARD: If youll excuse me, Im going into my study.
EMILY: Richard! You do not walk out on me when we are having a discussion. Richard!
[While Emily and Richard are arguing, Lorelai walks into the house and leaves through the front door]
CUT TO STARS HOLLOW
[Lorelai pulls up in the town square. She looks around, then walks into Lukes Diner. Luke is standing at the cash register.]
LUKE: Were closed.
LORELAI: I know. Look, I didnt come here to make up, or to try to get you to forgive me, or talk. I wouldnt even have come here at all but I had a really crappy night and I really, really need a cup of coffee. Just pretend Im not me. Im Mimi, a new customer. Ive never been in here before. I was just walking down the street and I spotted this place. Ooh, hey, nice place. And I came in. Now Mimi is going to pour herself a cup of coffee and sit over here way far away from you, and she promises, just as soon as shes done, she will rinse out her own cup and leave.
[Lorelai pours herself a cup of coffee and sits at the end of the counter.]
LORELAI: This is the second time I let myself do this.
LUKE: Do what?
LORELAI: Think I finally found it.
LUKE: Found what?
LORELAI: Love, comfort, safety.
LORELAI: I mean, first with Max, which of course, I screwed up, and then with Christopher, which of course, all the elements of the universe got together to screw up.
LUKE: Yup, its tough when the universe is against you. Thats like taking on the Manhattan garbage union.
LORELAI: I always thought if he could just get it together, grow up maybe we could do it. Maybe we could really be a family, in the stupid, traditional Dan Quayle, golden retriever, grow old together, wear matching jogging suits kind of way. And then he did get it together he became that guy. . . and he gets to be that guy with her. Chris is gonna have a baby with his girlfriend. Hes gonna marry her. . .and hes gonna be there for her while shes pregnant and hes gonna be there with her while her child grows up, and hes gonna be there for her while she does. . . whatever it is she does. And I am in exactly the same place that I was in before.
LUKE: Is that so bad? I mean, you got Rory.
LORELAI: Yes, I do.
LUKE: You got friends, you got a house, a job, apparently an iron stomach.
LORELAI: No, its not so bad. Im lucky, I know. I just. . .I feel like Im never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it the whole package.
[Luke puts a donut on a plate, then slides it down the counter to her]
LUKE: Youll get it.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: Because I know, okay? I know. Now eat your donut.
LORELAI: Im really not very hungry.
LUKE: Well, take it with you. You will be later.
[Lorelai wraps up the donut and puts it in her purse, then pulls out some money]
LUKE: Forget it, first time customers are on the house. Mimi, was it?
LUKE: Come again, Mimi.
LORELAI: Thanks, I will. Seems like a very nice place.
CUT TO LORELAIS HOUSE
[Rory is in the living room as Lorelai walks into the house]
LORELAI: Hey, youre home.
RORY: Yup, Im home.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, I figured how to get the Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer out of our heads to sing the Small World song over and over for the next forty-eight hours. Of course, how we get the Small World song out of our heads, I have not worked out yet. Okay, see, that was not how that whole scene between us was supposed to go.
[They sit down on the couch]
LORELAI: No. I mean, yes, I was surprised and I do think the basic sentiment of make up your mind was kind of called for.
RORY: Absolutely called for.
LORELAI: But I didnt mean to upset you and yell at you and make you feel bad, Im really sorry, hon.
RORY: I know, but you were right.
LORELAI: Ah, well, thats once, I guess.
RORY: So how was dinner?
LORELAI: So how was Dean?
RORY: So how was dinner?
LORELAI: So how was Dean?
RORY: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Williams sisters take center stage at Wimbledon once again.
LORELAI: Dinner was bad.
LORELAI: Thats okay, I knew it would be. Oh, but the good news is we can now go back to Lukes.
RORY: You made up! How did you make up?
LORELAI: Well, Im Mimi now.
RORY: Oh, sure.
LORELAI: So speaking of Dean, is there still a Dean?
RORY: Yeah, theres still a Dean.
RORY: I dont know what I was doing. Maybe its because I havent dated a lot but this Jess thing was crazy. And I do love Dean and you were absolutely right I was treating him like dirt and I wasnt appreciating what was right in front of me, but Im going to now.
LORELAI: Rory, I dont want you to stay with Dean because of me.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: Cause I was upset earlier.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: I still have this Christopher thing bugging me and the pressure of tonights dinner.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: I didnt wanna upset you and I certainly dont want you to make an important decision off of
LORELAI: Because its too important
LORELAI: And I just want you to be happy.
RORY: Mom! All I did was think about what you said, thats all. Then I analyzed the situation.
LORELAI: And then you made a pro and con list.
RORY: Youre mocking me, but yes, I did. And after all of this, I came to the conclusion that I want to make things good with Dean, and he deserves my undivided attention.
LORELAI: And you feel good about this?
RORY: I feel really good about this.
LORELAI: Okay, because if you decided you really did wanna date Jess, I would help you. . .get vaccinated.
RORY: Thank you, but Im good.
LORELAI: All right, as long as youre good.
RORY: I am good.
LORELAI: Well, okay, good.
RORY: What about you, are you good?
LORELAI: Me? Well, Im gonna be good.
RORY: Is there anything I can do to help?
LORELAI: Your existence is a huge help.
RORY: Were both gonna be good.
LORELAI: Yeah. I wonder if Christopher and Sherrys baby is going to look like me?
RORY: Well, if the kid knows whats good for it, it absolutely will.
LORELAI: Hand me my purse, will you? Im hungry.