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2.19 - Teach Me Tonight - (40)
This transcript is from the collection found at http://www.twiztv.com/scripts/gilmoregirls.

written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Steven Robman
transcript by Stacy


[Lorelai and Rory are standing in the checkout line. Lorelai flips through a crossword puzzle book]

LORELAI: I hate crossword puzzles. They make me feel stupid.

RORY: Then don’t do ‘em.

LORELAI: Well, but if you don’t do them, you’re not only stupid, you’re also a coward.

RORY: Or you have better things to do with your time.

LORELAI: You think people will buy that?

RORY: The people who line up on a daily basis and ask you if you do crossword puzzles and then, when you say no, challenge you as to why? Yes, I think they will buy it.

LORELAI: Oh, hey, look, new bag boy.

RORY: Oh yeah, that’s Marty. He’s subbing for Dean while he’s out of town.

LORELAI: Wow, Marty does the jar twirl before putting the salsa in the bag. Impressive, very Cocktail.

RORY: Marty’s a nice guy.

LORELAI: Marty’s an ambitious snake in the grass.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: The jar twirl, the double bagging, the ‘have a nice day, ma’am’ after every customer. . .that guy’s got an agenda.

RORY: Which is?

LORELAI: He’s out to take Dean’s job!

RORY: I don’t think so.

LORELAI: Oh, yes, he is. I’m telling you, he wants that position. Dean better hurry back from his grandmother’s house or he can kiss his job goodbye.

RORY: They’re not going to fire Dean.

LORELAI: Really, why not?

RORY: Well, for starter’s, someone stole Taylor’s ladder last week and Dean is the only one who can reach the top shelves.

LORELAI: Huh, interesting.

RORY: What?

LORELAI: Just as Marty, aka Eve Harrington, shows up trying to take Dean’s job, Taylor’s ladder mysteriously disappears, suddenly making Dean invaluable no matter what fancy tricks Lon Chaney Junior over there pulls. Good thinking, Dean – smart thinking, my friend.

RORY: You need to start napping in the afternoons.

LORELAI: Hey Taylor, pulling double duty today?

TAYLOR: Oh, I like to fill in behind the register every now and then. It keeps me in contact with the clientele. Also, it allows me to keep an eye on the ‘take a penny’ pot here, make sure people aren’t pocketing those pennies for their own personal gain but are legitimately using them to make exact change.

RORY: Oh cool. Mom, look.

LORELAI: Oh yeah, it’s Movie in the Square night again, great.

RORY: We’ll be there.

TAYLOR: Ah, excellent. There you are.

LORELAI: What’s the movie this year?

TAYLOR: Oh, it’s going to be something really great.

LORELAI: Really, what?

TAYLOR: A real winner.

LORELAI: What’s it called?

TAYLOR: Well, show up and be surprised.

LORELAI: Why don’t you tell me what the movie is?


LORELAI: Why not?

TAYLOR: Because.

LORELAI: Because why? What is the. . .oh no.

TAYLOR: There is a line behind you.

LORELAI: You chose The Yearling again?

TAYLOR: It is a fine, wholesome motion picture. Moving story, lovely scenes of nature.

LORELAI: You’ve shown The Yearling the last three years in a row!

TAYLOR: You know something, I’m getting a little tired of hearing you complain about this every single year.

LORELAI: I’m tired, too. Pick another movie.

TAYLOR: A lot of hard work and careful planning go into those nights. You never help plan, you never volunteer, you have never once been a ticket ripper as long as I have been involved in that function. Personally, missy, if you can’t participate with a smile and a hug, then you shouldn’t participate at all.

LORELAI: I shouldn’t, but I am. Pick another movie.


LORELAI: Taylor, there’s millions of great movies out there. Any one of them would be better than The Yearling for the fourth time.

TAYLOR: Fine, you do it!


TAYLOR: You pick the movie.

LORELAI: Seriously?

TAYLOR: I’ve had it. You have such strong opinions about everything, you go out and try to find a movie that everybody will enjoy. It’s all yours. I relinquish my movie picking crown to you.

LORELAI: He relinquished his crown.

RORY: I heard.

LORELAI: I got his crown.

RORY: And it looks great on you.

LORELAI: Cool, this is gonna be fun! Let’s go home and make popcorn and pick which movie we’re gonna show.

RORY: I get to help?

LORELAI: Of course.

RORY: Oh, and can I borrow the crown?

LORELAI: I don’t know, honey. We’ll have to see.

[opening credits]


[In Rory’s bedroom, Lorelai is sitting on Rory’s bed putting on makeup as Rory stands in front of the mirror]

LORELAI: The Wizard of Oz.

RORY: The Sting.


RORY: Crimes and Misdemeanors.

LORELAI: The Singing Detective.

RORY: That was a miniseries.


RORY: So it’s like six hours long.

LORELAI: Good point. Ooh, I got it! Arthur.

RORY: Yes!

LORELAI: Or Sophie’s Choice.

RORY: Very similar.

LORELAI: Oh man, I can’t choose, there’s too many great movies. The burden is overwhelming. I’m sinking under the pressure. My grasp on reality is slipping. I can’t do it, I can’t hold on, I just can’t, I just. . .ooh, hey, how about Cabin Boy?

[phone rings]

RORY: Will you get that?


RORY: Why not?


RORY: 6:45.


RORY: Wednesday. Ooh! [answers phone] Dad, hi!

CHRISTOPHER: Hey kiddo, what’s going on?

RORY: Not much. Just getting ready for school and trying to think up movies.

CHRISTOPHER: Movies for what?

RORY: Our town does this big movie festival outdoors every year and this year Mom gets to pick the movie.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh yeah? How’d she get that gig?

RORY: She ticked off the guy that usually does it and he quit.

CHRISTOPHER: Sounds about right.

RORY: So how are things there? How’s Sherry?

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, uh, nothing much is going on here. Same ol’, same ol’. Hey, listen, uh, I’ve gotta cut this talk short but I sent you an email, so read it and add an extra forty minutes onto my time for next week’s call, deal?

RORY: Deal. Do you wanna say hello to Mom before you go?

CHRISTOPHER: Uh, no, I can’t, I really need to run. You say hello for me.

RORY: Okay.

CHRISTOPHER: Okay, I’ll talk to you Wednesday. Bye Sweetie.

RORY: Bye Dad. [hangs up] He says hello.

LORELAI: He does not.

RORY: So, are you gonna tell me what it is you two are fighting about?

LORELAI: I’m not fighting.

RORY: Okay, are you gonna tell me what it is you’re not fighting about that keeps you from talking to each other ever again?

LORELAI: What about Desperately Seeking Susan?

RORY: What about, my mother is two?

LORELAI: Never saw it – Angie Dickinson?

RORY: You’re impossible.

LORELAI: You’re right. You’re Impossible was the one with Angie Dickinson.

RORY: Fine, forget it, I give. Stay in a fight, I don’t care. I’m late for school. We’ll finish the list later.

LORELAI: After school, Luke’s?

RORY: I’ll be there.

LORELAI: Bye hon.

RORY: Bye.


[Students are taking a test.]

TEACHER: Fifteen minutes left.

[Jess sneaks in and sits behind Lane]

JESS: Lane. . .Lane.


JESS: I need a pencil.

LANE: I don’t have one.

JESS: Then I need a pen.

LANE: You only have fifteen minutes left.

JESS: Then I need the answers.

LANE: There’s a pen in my bag.

JESS: I can’t go through your bag.

LANE: Yes, you can.

JESS: My mother told me never go through a lady’s bag. . .at least, not until you’re a couple blocks away. I’m just kidding, she never said that. Though it sounds like pretty good advice, doesn’t it?

LANE: Take it and shut up. [hands him a pen]

JESS: Well, I tell you, it’s true – small towns sure are friendly.


[There’s a knock at the door.]


[Luke walks in]

LUKE: Yeah, I got a call you wanted to see me. I’m, uh, Luke Danes – Jess Mariano’s uncle.

PRINCIPAL: Jess Mariano. Ah yes, come in.

LUKE: Thanks. So is everything okay? I didn’t see any cop cars or fire trucks out front so. . .

PRINCIPAL: Mr. Danes, please have a seat.

LUKE: A seat? So this is a seat thing. Okay, what’s he done?

PRINCIPAL: Why do you assume he’s done something?

LUKE: Oh, I don’t know. You’re staring at a folder that’s looking a little thick there. I get a call to come right over here and talk to you, so why don’t you just tell me what he’s done?


LUKE: Nothing?

PRINCIPAL: No homework, no class participation, his attendance record is erratic at best. His attitude towards his teachers, it ranges from indifferent to hostile. He shows no interest in school activities or other students, and there is the issue of the disappearing baseballs.

LUKE: The what?

PRINCIPAL: Every baseball on campus seems to have disappeared.

LUKE: Oh, come on, you don’t think Jess seriously. . . I’ll check when I get home.

PRINCIPAL: I appreciate that. Now, I don’t suspect we’ll solve every problem in one meeting, so let’s focus on the most important one – his grades.

LUKE: Not good?

PRINCIPAL: Not good.

LUKE: Well, I’ll have a talk with him about that.

PRINCIPAL: You’re gonna have to do a lot more than talk to him. You’re gonna have to help him.

LUKE: Me? Oh, no, I’m not the one you want helping him. I went to this school – I’m sure there’s still a note stuffed in there about me with the words ‘trade school’ stamped in really big letters.

PRINCIPAL: Well, if you can’t help him, you’re gonna have to find someone who can.

LUKE: Like who?

PRINCIPAL: A relative.

LUKE: I don’t think so. Believe me, I’m the Einstein of the clan.

PRINCIPAL: Well, maybe you need to hire a tutor.

LUKE: A tutor? Oh geez.

PRINCIPAL: Mr. Danes, Jess is flunking out. He’s not going to make it. Now, if something it not done about that right now, he’s going to repeat this year. I’m sorry, but that’s where we are.

LUKE: Okay, well, if that’s where we are, then I’ll just have to figure something out.

PRINCIPAL: Good. And let’s not forget about those baseballs.

LUKE: Right.

PRINCIPAL: Been using tennis balls for a couple of weeks.

LUKE: Wow.

PRINCIPAL: Very different results.

LUKE: I’m sure it is.


[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the counter going through a list of movies]

LORELAI: If we take off Fletch and Urban Cowboy, we still have seventy-five possibilities.

RORY: How are we gonna pick just one?

LORELAI: I don’t know. Maybe we should do like a movie marathon weekend. You know, just show one movie after the other for three days and charge everyone a fortune, gauge ‘em of bottled water, have those really little disgusting bathrooms – it’d be like our own Woodstock.

TAYLOR: Ah, good, there you are. I have something for you.


TAYLOR: This. [puts a large binder on the counter]


TAYLOR: Now, when you get through this and make your decision, the number of the man you need to contact is inside on the first page.

LORELAI: What man? What is this?

TAYLOR: That is the list of titles that are available for you to pick from for the movie night.

LORELAI: The list of titles? I’m sorry, can’t we just pick our own movie?

TAYLOR: You’re not serious?

LORELAI: Not often, but just there – yeah, I had some serious going.

TAYLOR: My dear girl, movies are expensive and we get fabulous deals with this particular place. They have a wide selection and they’re very friendly and since it all goes to charity, they agree to give us anything on that list for free.

LORELAI: So we have to pick a movie off this list?

TAYLOR: Oh, it’s fun. They put the movie title over here and a brief description of the storyline over here and believe me, there are some excellent movies on that list. Really, top notch.

LORELAI: Arctic Flight – man with plane flies charter to Alaska, hired by bear hunter who turns out to be Russian spy, love story develops with pilot and school teachers, Eskimos do tribal dance. You made this up.

TAYLOR: Don’t I wish. Okay, well, I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Bye girls.


RORY: Killer Shark.


RORY: Shark fisherman on ocean, Mexican cantina with tequila and Mariachi music, has good scene of catching and cleaning shark.

LORELAI: Where Are Your Children? Hip music and singing about kids getting into trouble, sneaking booze into clubs, stealing car, fight between girls, romance starts then guy goes in the Navy.

RORY: Huh. Sudden Danger – mom dies of gas asphyxiation, son blamed, good kiss scene.

LORELAI: Suspense – ice skater falls in love with hired help. Well, at least now I know how Snow Dogs got made.

[Luke walks into the diner]

LUKE: Hey. Listen, have you seen Jess?

RORY: I think I saw him go upstairs earlier.

LUKE: Oh, great, thanks.


[Luke walks in as Jess is going through his CDs]

LUKE: Oh, good, you’re here. So, you file those under the band names?

JESS: Genre.

LUKE: Right, genre, that makes sense, makes a lot of sense. Oh, what is that? Something for school?

JESS: Nope.

LUKE: Oh, well, shouldn’t you be reading something for school?

JESS: Why?

LUKE: I don’t know. I mean, I know you like reading and since you like reading, you might as well read something you’re gonna get graded on so you can get graded on something you like because you like reading.

JESS: What are you babbling about?

LUKE: I went to see your principal today.

JESS: Huh.

LUKE: He says you’re flunking out. He says you’re not showing up for class. He says you stole their baseballs. You stole their baseballs? Why would you do that? What could you possibly need five hundred baseballs for?

JESS: Can we talk about this later?

LUKE: Why, you got a big Frisbee heist going down at six? Jess, Mr. Mertin said if you don’t start doing better, they’re not gonna let you be a senior.

JESS: Bummer.

LUKE: They’re gonna hold you back.

JESS: Well, at least I’ll know where my classes are.

LUKE: Jess, this is serious. You’re flunking out. You’re looking at being in the eleventh grade for the rest of your life. You’re gonna be the kid in the back of the room with a beard and a racing form babbling incoherently about Steely Dan.

JESS: Steely Dan?

LUKE: The group may change, the freak in the back never does.

JESS: I’m going out.

LUKE: Don’t you wanna go to college?

JESS: Don’t wait up.

LUKE: What do you wanna be when you grow up?

JESS: About twenty miles south of wherever you are.

LUKE: You have to think about the future. If you don’t get through high school, who’s gonna hire you? You’re not gonna have any skills.

JESS: Stop.

LUKE: How you gonna work, huh? How you gonna eat? How you gonna pay rent? What are you gonna do, Jess?

JESS: Geez, I don’t know, maybe I’ll work in a diner.


[Lorelai is sitting at the kitchen table going through the book of movie titles as Rory walks in]

LORELAI: Marshmallow?

RORY: Thank you.

LORELAI: Okay, I have now finished going through every single one of these movies. I’ve read them, reviewed their merits, and I’m proud to announce that I have chosen our movie. How does The Yearling sound to you?

RORY: Perfect.

LORELAI: And buh-bye.

[there’s a knock at the front door]

LORELAI: Oh, that must be Pauline Kale rising from the dead.

RORY: Tell her hey.

[Lorelai goes to answer the door, Luke is standing on the porch with a box]

LORELAI: Pauline!

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: Never mind. What are you doing here?

LUKE: Uh, I made some brownies, I thought you might like some.

LORELAI: Oh, gee, since I just ate half a bag of marshmallows, six Pop Tarts, four bagel dogs and a really stale Cheese Nip – yup, it’s brownie time, thanks. Hey, here’s a question for you.

LUKE: Yeah?

LORELAI: Well, you probably have a diner full of people who would love these brownies – plus, I bet they’d pay you for ‘em.

LUKE: Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance – only one name came to mind.

LORELAI: God, I love being special. What?

LUKE: Nothing. I just. . .hey, uh, is Rory here by any chance?

LORELAI: Yeah, she’s in her room.

LUKE: Can I talk to her for a sec?

LORELAI: Sure, go right ahead.

LUKE: Hey, thanks. [knocks on Rory’s door] Rory, it’s Luke. Can I come in for a minute?

RORY: [opens door] Hey, what’s up?

LUKE: Not much. Can I . . .

RORY: Uh, yeah, come on in.

LUKE: So I see you’re studying.

RORY: Yup.

LUKE: That’s good. Studying is very, very good. What you’re doing right there with the books, very good.

RORY: Thank you.

LUKE: Okay, look, I wanted to ask you a favor. Oh. Uh. I was wondering if you could tutor Jess.

RORY: What?

LUKE: He’s not doing too well in school. The principal said he’s not gonna let him move on unless something changes. I was wondering if you could help.

RORY: That doesn’t make any sense, he’s smart enough to pass any subject.

LUKE: I don’t think it’s his lack of smarts, more like his lack of proximity to the actual classes that’s the problem.


LUKE: Yes.

RORY: Okay, what subject does he need help in?

LUKE: I’d say all of them, probably.

RORY: Huh.

LUKE: Look, I don’t expect you to work miracles and it doesn’t have to be a full time everyday thing. If you could just get him through a couple of his next tests, maybe make the school see that he can do it, that would probably help out a lot.

RORY: Sure.

LUKE: Great, tonight?

RORY: Tonight.

LUKE: I really appreciate this. Ah, okay, you should get back to your studying, otherwise you’re completely useless to me. [walks into kitchen] Okay, so I’ll see you guys at dinner probably.

LORELAI: Wait, hold on – what was that all about?

LUKE: Oh, Rory’s gonna tutor Jess.

LORELAI: She is?

LUKE: Yeah, just for a little while, help get him on the right track.


LUKE: Okay, I should be getting back. Enjoy the brownies, I’ll see if I can screw up a cake for you later on.

LORELAI: Sounds great.

[Luke leaves]


[Lorelai follows Luke out into the front yard]

LORELAI: Hey Luke, hang on just a sec.

LUKE: Yeah?

LORELAI: Um, listen, about Rory doing this tutoring thing.

LUKE: I really appreciate it, by the way.

LORELAI: I know you do. I just. . .Rory’s so sweet and she would never say no to anyone ‘cause she loves to help, but I’m not sure if it’s the best idea.

LUKE: Why not?

LORELAI: Well, she’s got her own studies to worry about.

LUKE: I know, and I promise this is not gonna take up all her time. It’s just for a little while.

LORELAI: Okay, but - .

LUKE: Plus, Rory’s pretty serious about school. I don’t think she’d say she had the time if she didn’t.

LORELAI: I know, Rory is a great student, but she’s just a kid. Don’t you need like a professional tutor to help with Jess? You know, somebody with a degree and a pipe and one of those coats with the elbow patches on it?

LUKE: I need someone Jess is gonna listen to, someone he’s gonna. . .I don’t know, look up to. That sure isn’t me and it sure isn’t some tutor. He likes Rory and Rory’s on the path that I’d like to see Jess on – school and college. He needs to see somebody he respects doing what he should be doing and Rory’s the only person I can think of who fits that description.

LORELAI: Yeah, but you don’t know for sure that he’ll listen to Rory.

LUKE: No, but I gotta do something, don’t I? I mean, what would you do if you were me?

LORELAI: Nuh. Okay, just make sure it’s not too much time, okay?

LUKE: I will.


LUKE: Enjoy the brownie.


[Luke leaves; Lorelai tries the brownie and makes a face]

LORELAI: Oh my God. Mmm, that’s good.


[Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table as Kirk walks up to them]

KIRK: Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time.

LORELAI: I’ll give you two because you scare me.

KIRK: I hear through the grapevine that you are the one in charge of selecting the movie for this year’s movie night?

LORELAI: Yes, I am.

KIRK: Okay, well, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I have great creative ambitions.

LORELAI: I did not know that about you, Kirk.

KIRK: It’s true. Don’t get me wrong, I love the blue collar work. I enjoy the plight of the every man. But as much as the mail letter delivered and the DSL line installed and the latest J. Lo flick rented fills me with a deep sense of pride, in my soul I am Akira Kurosawa.

LORELAI: Seven Samurai, great movie.

KIRK: Excuse me?

LORELAI: Seven Samurai.

KIRK: I’m sorry, I don’t – .

LORELAI: Akira Kurosawa directed Seven Samurai. It’s a great Japanese movie.

KIRK: Japanese movie? No, I’m sorry, I have the wrong person. Who’s the guy who directed all those Facts of Life’s?

LORELAI: I don’t – .

KIRK: Asaad Kelada, sorry. In my soul I know I am Asaad Kelada.

LORELAI: What do you need from me, Kirk?

KIRK: I’ve made a short film that I’ve been working on for about five years now and if I rush, I can have done my Thursday night. I’m very proud of it, and I was wondering if you would consider screening it before the movie tomorrow. It would mean a great deal to my career.

LORELAI: Well, uh, what kind of movie is it?

KIRK: Oh, you mean is it blue? No, perfectly PG.

LORELAI: Uh huh.

KIRK: It’s not exactly Babe, it’s more like Babe 2.

LORELAI: Got it.

KIRK: Same pig, harder edge.

LORELAI: Okay, Kirk, I hear you. I wanna help you. Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you.

KIRK: Here’s a copy of the film. Take a look and call me. And remember, I can edit out two of the hells but I need to keep all the damns. It’s a street cred thing.

LORELAI: Bye Kirk.

[Kirk leaves]

LORELAI: Well, at least now I have something fun to do tonight.

RORY: You’re not watching that without me.

LORELAI: Okay, I’ll wait. So, um. . .ooh, do you wanna get some pie?

RORY: No, I’m full.

LORELAI: Coffee? How ‘bout some coffee?

RORY: I’m good.

LORELAI: Hot chocolate?

RORY: No, thanks.

LORELAI: Egg cream? Now, I never had an egg cream but it sounds just disgusting enough to be fabulous.

RORY: We’re just going to study.

LORELAI: I know.

RORY: And we’ll be right here doing it.

LORELAI: I know.

RORY: So all this stalling is completely unnecessary.

LORELAI: I know.

RORY: So go.

LORELAI: I will. Just finishing up the coffee that I paid for already. All right, that’s enough, I’m going. Goodbye.

RORY: Bye. Um, Mom?


RORY: Listen, just in case, and I don’t think he will, but if Dean calls, will you tell him I’m with Lane?

LORELAI: I thought you said this was nothing.

RORY: It is nothing.

LORELAI: That you guys were just studying.

RORY: We are.

LORELAI: Then how come I have to lie to Dean?

RORY: Well, you know as well as I do that it’s not gonna be okay with Dean if I’m studying with Jess.

LORELAI: Then maybe you shouldn’t be. I mean, if you feel weird enough about it that I have to lie to Dean.

RORY: I’m not asking you to lie to Dean.

LORELAI: You told me to tell him that you’re with Lane.

RORY: Well, that was just because – .

LORELAI: I don’t see Lane here – sounds like a lie to me.

RORY: Fine, forget it. Just don’t answer the phone.

LORELAI: Hello, I get calls there, too. I’m not ‘whatever happened to Baby Jane?’ yet, thank you very much.

RORY: Just tell him that I’m studying, which is what I am doing, so you will not be lying, okay?

[Jess walks over to them]

JESS: Hey Teach.

RORY: Hey.

JESS: You guys done yet?

LORELAI: Just not yet.

JESS: Okay, well, I’ll be right over there when you are. I just can’t wait for that learning to begin. Hey, are we gonna do some of those Schoolhouse Rocks songs?

RORY: I’ll be right there, Jess.

JESS: ‘Cause they say if you just make learning fun. . .

LORELAI: Give us a minute, okay?

JESS: Well, hurry – a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

RORY: I’ll be home early.

LORELAI: Fine. Bye.

RORY: Bye.

LORELAI: Bye Jess.

JESS: Ma’am.

[Lorelai leaves]

RORY: So, are you ready to start?

JESS: Yes, I am.

RORY: Where are your books?

JESS: Huh, I don’t know.

RORY: How are we gonna study without your books?

JESS: I guess we can’t. Too bad. So, what now – movie?

RORY: Get your books.

JESS: The cat ate ‘em.

RORY: Get your books or I’m going home.

JESS: Wait there. [does magic trick]


[Rory and Jess are sitting at a table. Rory is going through a book as Jess plays with a deck of cards.]

RORY: Explain to me the political ramifications of the Marshall Plan.

JESS: Pick a card. [Rory throws the whole deck on the floor] Huh, well, that just made the trick a little bit harder.

RORY: Jess, focus.

JESS: Where’s Dean tonight?

RORY: We just went over this. There’s no way you already forgot it.

JESS: Work?

RORY: I will make you write it out fifty times on the specials board if that’s what it takes.

JESS: ‘Cause if he’s not at work, he must be free, so he doesn’t care that you’re here?

RORY: No, he doesn’t. He’s visiting his grandmother.

JESS: Where?

RORY: Chicago.

JESS: So he doesn’t know.

RORY: It wouldn’t matter.

JESS: So you’ll tell him when he gets back?

RORY: We’re studying.

JESS: You’re studying, I’m prying into your personal life.

RORY: Jess, why won’t you at least try to remember the Marshall Plan?

JESS: Have you ever read "Please Kill Me"?


JESS: Oral history of the punk movement. You’d like it – you can borrow it if you want.

RORY: I’m here to help you study. Now, if you want me to go, I’ll go, but if I’m going to stay, then you will stop distracting me and start paying attention, understand?

JESS: I understand.

RORY: Good. And yes, I would like to borrow it, thank you very much. Now open your book.


[Jess finishes writing something on a notepad, then hands it to Rory]

JESS: Done.

RORY: This isn’t Shakespeare.

JESS: It’s not?

RORY: It’s the words to a Clash song.

JESS: Ah, now, but which Clash song?

RORY: Hey, I’m not the one being tested right now.

JESS: Ten seconds.

RORY: Jess.

JESS: Nine, eight, seven.

RORY: Stop it.

JESS: Six, five, four.

RORY: You know you’re really starting to. . .

JESS: Three.

RORY: Ooh, ooh, Guns of Brixton!

JESS: A plus.

RORY: Why would you even agree to this studying thing in the first place?

JESS: Because Luke said I had to.

RORY: You’ve never done anything because someone said you had to.

JESS: I moved here because someone said I had to.

RORY: Very different.

JESS: Yeah, well. . .hey, do you wanna get outta here?

RORY: What?

JESS: I’m sick of studying.

RORY: How can you be sick of studying? You haven’t done any studying. You’ve done card tricks, you’ve made coffee, you’ve tried to explain to me how on earth Coldplay could be considered an alternative band, but as of yet, no studying.

JESS: That’s your car?

RORY: Yes, it is.

JESS: Okay, tell you what. Let’s go get some ice cream, and then when we get back, I’ll study.

RORY: This is a diner, there’s ice cream here.

JESS: Yes, but we don’t have any cones.

RORY: Cones?

JESS: I need cones.

RORY: Well, so, if we go get ice cream. . .

JESS: In cones.

RORY: Then you will be a perfect student for the rest of the night?

JESS: That’s right.

RORY: I could not believe you less. Here, you drive, I’ll read you Othello. Won’t that be fun?

JESS: You have no idea how much.


[Jess and Rory are each eating an ice cream cone]

JESS: Admit it, it’s always better in a cone.

RORY: It’s always better in a cone.

JESS: Putting ice cream in a dish, eating it with a spoon?

RORY: What is wrong with people?

JESS: Hold the wheel.

RORY: What?

JESS: I’m dripping here, hold the wheel.

RORY: I can’t hold the wheel, you’re driving. The person who’s driving has to hold the wheel. That’s the first thing they teach you in driver’s ed.

JESS: Huh, I gotta take that class one of those days. Take the wheel.

RORY: Jess.

JESS: I’m letting go.

RORY: Stop! Take it back. Okay, you are taking this wheel back and when you do, I’m going to kill you. I’m just letting you know that.

JESS: I appreciate the warning.

RORY: Jess!

JESS: Okay, I got it. Geez, you look pale. Are you okay?

RORY: Death, and it’s going to be painful.

JESS: You’re not gonna kill me. Think how dull your life would be without me.

RORY: Serious question?

JESS: Okay.

RORY: You know you’re smarter than most everybody at your school. It takes you like five minutes to finish a book. You read everything, you remember everything, you could ace those classes easily. Why don’t you? You don’t need a tutor. It’s crazy that they’re talking about leaving you back.

JESS: Whatever.

RORY: You can do anything you wanted, you can be anything you wanted.

JESS: Rory.

RORY: I. . .is it like a cool thing?

JESS: I could care less about being cool.

RORY: Well, inform me, please.

JESS: I’m never going to college, why waste the time in high school?

RORY: And why aren’t you going to college?

JESS: Please.

RORY: What? Please what – why is it so crazy?

JESS: Ask my mother, she could give you a couple reasons. Oh, and I’m sure Principal Mertin can chime in with a few good ones. In fact, ask your mother. She doesn’t know me all that well but I’m sure she could improvise a few things.

RORY: Do not give me that whole ‘I’m so misunderstood, Kurt Cobainy’ thing. You are way stronger than that and I don’t even wanna hear it. You have to go to college.

JESS: No, you have to go to college.

RORY: But don’t you have any plans?

JESS: Yes, I plan to get out of Stars Hollow.

RORY: And go where?

JESS: Wherever.

RORY: And do what?

JESS: Whatever.

RORY: Wherever, whatever.

JESS: I’ll live where I live, I’ll work when I need money, and I’ll see where I end up.

RORY: You could do more.

JESS: Oh, here come the pompoms.

RORY: No, no pompoms, just me saying you could do more.

JESS: So, Courtney, what about you?

RORY: What about me?

JESS: What are your big ambitions?

RORY: Harvard.

JESS: And after Harvard?

RORY: I’m gonna be a journalist.

JESS: Paula Zahn?

RORY: Christiane Amapour

JESS: You’re gonna be an overseas correspondent?

RORY: Yes, I am.

JESS: You’re gonna crawl around in trenches and stand on top of buildings and have bombs going off in the background and some wars raging all around you?

RORY: What, you don’t think I can do it?

JESS: No, I do. Just sounds a little too – .

RORY: A little what?

JESS: Just sounds a little too rough for you.

RORY: Well, it’s not a little too rough for me. I hope it’s not a little too rough for me, I’ve been talking about this forever. I mean, I don’t even know what I would do if – .

JESS: Hey, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll do it. You will, I promise. I’ll help you practice, okay? Tomorrow, you’ll stand in the middle of the street and I will drive straight at you screaming in a foreign language.

RORY: Well, you’re gonna have to learn a foreign language first.

JESS: Well, it’s lucky I’ve got me a tutor, isn’t it? Okay, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you went on this ice cream run with me.

RORY: Yes, you did.

JESS: Okay, so I just go straight and we’ll be back at Luke’s.

RORY: Good sense of direction.

JESS: Of course, I could turn right and then we’d just be driving around in circles for awhile.

RORY: Turn right.

JESS: As you wish.


[Lorelai is standing at the kitchen table as the phone rings]


RORY: Mom?

LORELAI: Oh, Rory, great. Tell me, was it the China Ball, the China Doll, or the China Wall that had the really good shrimp balls?

RORY: I think it was the China Doll.

LORELAI: Okay, these can go. You’ll be so proud of me, I’m organizing the takeout drawer. I’m weeding out all the dogs and I’m putting happy face stickers on the dishes that have been huge successes to make our ordering more efficient. Where are you?

RORY: I need you to be calm.

LORELAI: Calm about what?

RORY: Calm about what I have to tell you.

LORELAI: What – where are you?

RORY: I’m all right.

LORELAI: Well, of course you’re all right – why wouldn’t you be all right?

RORY: Because. . .I got in an accident.

LORELAI: What? What accident? What do you mean you got in an accident?

RORY: Jess and I went for ice cream and we were just driving and it was dark and this dog or cat or possum, I don’t know – it was small and furry, and it ran out into the middle of the road and Jess swerved and – .

LORELAI: Jess swerved?

RORY: Yes.

LORELAI: Jess was driving?

RORY: Yes.

LORELAI: Jess was driving your car and you got in an accident?

RORY: But I’m fine and he’s fine and the furry thing is fine. The car’s a little messed up, but there’s nothing for you to be worried about.

LORELAI: Where are you?

RORY: I’m in the hospital.


[Lorelai walks up to the nurse’s station]

LORELAI: Um, hi, hi, excuse me, uh, my daughter’s here, she was in a car accident. Her name is Rory Gilmore.

NURSE: Okay, just take a seat.

LORELAI: I don’t wanna take a seat.

NURSE: It’ll be one minute.

LORELAI: Hey, do you remember in Terms of Endearment, that scene where Shirley MacLaine is in the hospital and freaks out because they won’t give her daughter a shot? She got that from me and she toned it down a little. So, once again, I’m looking for my daughter, Rory Gilmore?

NURSE: First door on your left.

LORELAI: Thank you.

[Lorelai walks into the room – a doctor is wrapping Rory’s arm]

LORELAI: Rory, good. Are you okay?

RORY: I’m fine.


RORY: Please tell her that I’m fine.

DOCTOR: She’s fine.

LORELAI: Well, then, what’s with the wrapping?

DOCTOR: Well - .

LORELAI: If she’s fine, there’d be no wrapping. There’s no wrapping if she’s fine.

DOCTOR: Her arm hit the dashboard. She sustained a minor hairline fracture to her wrist.

LORELAI: So she broke her wrist?

RORY: No, it’s just a fracture.

LORELAI: Honey, let George Clooney talk here, okay?

DOCTOR: It’s a tiny fracture, absolutely nothing serious. I’m gonna put a cast on it. She’ll wear it for a couple weeks, that’s it.

LORELAI: A cast?

RORY: It barely hurts, I swear.

LORELAI: And that’s it – just the wrist, everything else is fine?

DOCTOR: She seems perfectly healthy.

LORELAI: She seems healthy? Did you check everything out?

DOCTOR: Well, we checked almost everything that could’ve been affected, yes.

LORELAI: Almost everything?

DOCTOR: Miss Gilmore, I assure you, we were very thorough.

LORELAI: I’m sure you were, I just would like some extra thorough. Uh, anything that could’ve possibly, in any scenario, affected this body, I want it checked out.

DOCTOR: I’ll run a few more x-rays if that’ll make you feel better.

LORELAI: It will, thank you.

DOCTOR: And then we’ll put the cast on her, so it’s gonna be a little while before she’s out of here.

LORELAI: I can wait.

DOCTOR: Okay. Rory, I’ll be right back. You sit still for a minute, okay?

RORY: Okay.

[doctor leaves]


RORY: The car’s not so good.

LORELAI: Oh, nobody cares about the car.

RORY: Jess made sure that he called the ambulance and that I was okay before he even talked to the police and – .

LORELAI: Let’s just hear about the details later, okay? I just want you to relax now.

RORY: You’re not mad?

LORELAI: No, I’m not mad. So they, they uh, brought you in the ambulance?

RORY: Yeah.

LORELAI: Did they use the siren?

RORY: Yeah.

LORELAI: I hope Taylor was in bed already.

RORY: It was after nine so there’s a good chance he was.


[the doctor returns]

DOCTOR: Okay, Rory, I’m gonna have the nurse take you down to x-ray now.

RORY: Okay.

LORELAI: Oh, can I go with her?

DOCTOR: I’m sorry, you have to wait outside. It’ll be about an hour if you wanna go grab some coffee or something.

LORELAI: Okay, thanks. Smile pretty for the camera.

RORY: Okay.

LORELAI: Thanks.


[Lorelai bangs on the door]

LORELAI: Luke! Luke!

[Luke opens the door and Lorelai rushes into the diner]

LUKE: Hey, I was – .

LORELAI: Where is he?

LUKE: Who?

LORELAI: Jess! Where’s Jess, Luke?

LUKE: I don’t know, I just got back. What’s going on? I got here and they weren’t here.


LUKE: Hey, talk to me!

[cut to the upstairs hallway]

LORELAI: Jess, answer me right now!

LUKE: What’s wrong, what happened?

LORELAI: There was an accident.

[they walk inside the apartment and Lorelai looks around for Jess]

LUKE: What - what accident?


LUKE: What accident?

LORELAI: Jess was driving Rory’s car and he crashed it.

LUKE: What, when?

LORELAI: What do you mean, when? Tonight, tonight – he crashed it tonight! Jess, dammit!

[Lorelai walks out of the apartment]

LUKE: What happened? Is anyone hurt? Lorelai!

[Luke follows her down into the diner]

LUKE: Hey, I’m talking to you here.

LORELAI: Where would he be? Where would he go?

LUKE: I asked you if anyone was hurt?

LORELAI: Uh, was anyone hurt? Well, let’s see. Uh, Rory’s in the emergency room now with a fractured wrist, so yeah, I’d say someone was hurt.

LUKE: Rory fractured her wrist?

LORELAI: Yes, she has to wear a cast for two weeks, she’s getting x-rays and tests.

LUKE: What about Jess – is he hurt?

LORELAI: No, Luke – Jess did the hurting. That little punk nephew of yours almost killed my kid tonight.

LUKE: Look, I’m sure it was an accident. Accidents happen.

LORELAI: Not with my kid in the car, they don’t.

LUKE: Okay, you just need to calm down.

LORELAI: Why did you do this?

LUKE: What are you talking about? Why did I do what?

LORELAI: Why did you bring him here?

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: If you hadn’t brought him here, none of this would’ve happened.

LUKE: This is my fault?

LORELAI: Yes, it is your fault! You told him to come, you let him stay. Everybody hated him, everybody knew he was trouble but you wouldn’t listen and you wouldn’t send him home and now my daughter is in the hospital!

[Luke walks out of the diner and Lorelai follows him]

LORELAI: You kept pushing them together. You asked her to help him study, you knew she’d never say no. I told you it made me nervous, I told you I didn’t like it and I should’ve stopped it right there. But you thought Rory would be good for Jess, never mind what he’d be for her. That wasn’t important at all, was it?

LUKE: Of course it was important.

LORELAI: Why didn’t you put a stop to it at the first sign of trouble? Why didn’t you make him leave?

LUKE: He’s my nephew. I had an obligation to take him in, I had an obligation to care for him.

LORELAI: You had an obligation to this town and to me and to Rory. Where are you going?

LUKE: I have to find out where Jess is.

LORELAI: Well, I’ll tell you where he’s not – he’s not in the emergency room having him arm plastered up!

LUKE: Hey, I am sorry about Rory. You know I care more about her than I do myself, but at least you know where Rory is and at least you know that she’s okay. Now, I have to find Jess and I have to make sure that he’s okay, and if that cuts into your screaming time, well that’s just too damn bad!

LORELAI: Go to hell!

LUKE: Right back at ya!

[Luke walks away. Lorelai sees Rory’s car being towed away and starts to cry, then pulls out her cell phone]



[Jess is sitting on the bridge as Luke walks up to him]

JESS: I made sure she was okay.

LUKE: I know you did.

[Rory is lying in bed, Lorelai stands next to her near a small table of items]

LORELAI: Okay, you’ve got your TV, you’ve got your books, your magazines, your refreshments, you have your CD player, your assorted CDs. Stan Freberg, Ash, you have your Sinead O’Connor – because when life really gets you down, Sinead’s really the one to teach you some perspective. You have a pad of paper in case you decide to write the great American novel. And over here you have a tiny but annoying bell in case there’s something here that you need but you don’t have and you want to summon the common but lovely house wench who will promptly leave her talking mice and come to fetch the Contessa whatever she may require.

RORY: I think what Contessa requires right now is sleep.

LORELAI: Is your arm hurting you?

RORY: Unh uh, but the stuff they gave me at the hospital made me a little dopey.

LORELAI: My little Marianne Faithful. Scooch down now and go to sleep.

[Lorelai moves Rory’s armchair]

RORY: What are you doing?

LORELAI: Just a little feng shui, go to sleep.

[Lorelai brings in a pillow and blanket]

RORY: Mom, you don’t have to sleep in here tonight.

LORELAI: I know, I just think the chair looks nice here.

RORY: And what’s the blanket for?

LORELAI: In case the chair gets cold.

RORY: And the pillow?

LORELAI: To keep the blanket company.

RORY: Uh huh.

LORELAI: Okay, everything’s in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing. . .oh, yeah. [sits down in chair] Goodnight.

RORY: Freak of sideshow proportions.

LORELAI: I love you, too.

RORY: Mom?


RORY: I’m sorry.

LORELAI: Shh, the chair is trying to sleep.


[Rory is asleep in her bed, Lorelai is asleep in the chair. Lorelai wakes up and finds Christopher sleeping in a chair next to her.]


CHRISTOPHER: [wakes up] What? Lor. . . is everything. . .

LORELAI: Shh. Come on.

[they walk into the kitchen]

LORELAI: Hey, what are you doing here?

CHRISTOPHER: Uh, I have a really crappy mattress at home.


CHRISTOPHER: I drove here as fast as I could and I went to the hospital but you guys had already left so I tried your cell phone but all I got was the voice mail so I came here but the place looked dark so I got the key out of the turtle and came in but you guys were already asleep so I just grabbed a chair and. . . and apparently my evil plan worked exactly as I anticipated.

LORELAI: I’m so glad you’re here.

CHRISTOPHER: Me too. How’s she doing?

LORELAI: She’s in a cast.


LORELAI: The doctor said she’ll be fine, he’ll take it off in a couple of weeks. The car is totally gone and I have to call the insurance guy tomorrow and. . .I don’t know.

CHRISTOPHER: Did you find that kid?


CHRISTOPHER: Jess, dead meat, whatever his name is.

LORELAI: No, the little ferret’s hiding out somewhere, I’m sure.

CHRISTOPHER: Okay, well, I’m gonna deal with the car tomorrow and I still wanna talk to the doctor, if that’s okay, and I’m gonna need a picture of this Jess so I don’t accidentally rip the head off the wrong kid ‘cause that would be bad.

LORELAI: Look at you all springin’ into action.

CHRISTOPHER: About time, don’t ya think?

LORELAI: I like the superhero you.

CHRISTOPHER: Just trying to keep up.

LORELAI: So, are you staying here tonight or do you have to rush back?

CHRISTOPHER: No, I wanna spend some time with Rory tomorrow.

LORELAI: And Sherry’s cool with you staying here?

CHRISTOPHER: Rory comes first.

LORELAI: Okay. Do you want some coffee?

CHRISTOPHER: I’ll get it.

LORELAI: Do you know how to make coffee?


LORELAI: My coffee?

CHRISTOPHER: One bag of coffee per cup of water, right?

LORELAI: Perfect. Oh my God. When Rory called me tonight and said the word hospital, I just legitimately thought I was having a heart attack, and let me tell you, it was not fun. I’m joining a gym tomorrow, that’s how not fun it was.

CHRISTOPHER: See if you can get a two for one membership.

LORELAI: Anything could’ve happened. It could’ve been so much worse.

CHRISTOPHER: But it wasn’t.

LORELAI: No, it wasn’t, but it could’ve been.

CHRISTOPHER: It wasn’t. It’s okay, everything’s gonna be okay.

LORELAI: Hey, about the fight we had the last time you were here. . .

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, yes, that was a doozy, wasn’t it?

LORELAI: I just, I didn’t mean to. . .

CHRISTOPHER: No, I shouldn’t have. . .

LORELAI: No, but if I implied that. . .

CHRISTOPHER: You didn’t. . .I just snapped. . .

LORELAI: I understand.


LORELAI: Me too. Hey, did I mention I’m really glad you’re here?

CHRISTOPHER: I believe you did.

LORELAI: Well, good for me, then.


[On Movie in the Square night, rows of chairs are set up in front of a large movie screen near the gazebo. Lorelai, Christopher, Rory, and Sookie walk toward the seats]

CHRISTOPHER: The Yearling?

LORELAI: Uh huh.

RORY: Great movie.

CHRISTOPHER: Boy, you think they could’ve gotten the genius in charge of this to come up with something other than The Yearling.

LORELAI: You know, picking a movie that will appeal to a large group of people is hard.

LANE: Rory!

CHRISTOPHER: We’ll get seats.

[Lorelai, Sookie, and Christopher walk away]

LANE: Oh my God! Let me see. Oh, that sucks, that so sucks. Does it hurt?

RORY: Only when I remember how I got it.

LANE: Okay. Here – angry girl for an angry arm.

RORY: Oh, cool! Thank you.

LANE: You’re welcome. [Lane puts a sticker on Rory’s cast] So, tell me what happened.

RORY: Oh, Lane, it was horrible. I have never been involved in anything so horrible in my life.

LANE: But what happened?

RORY: An animal ran out into the road and we swerved and we hit a pole, and my car – my beautiful car. . .

LANE: How bad?

RORY: Bad.

LANE: Have you talked to Dean?

RORY: No, he gets home tomorrow.

LANE: What are you gonna say?

RORY: I don’t know.

LANE: He’s gonna freak.

RORY: I know.

LANE: And Jess?

RORY: Not since last night.

LANE: Wow.

RORY: Yeah, everyone is so upset right now. And my dad’s in town and something happened between Mom and Luke and she won’t tell me what. I don’t know, they just need time to cool off and then everything will be fine. Everyone just needs time. Maybe I’ll try to call him tomorrow.

LANE: Tomorrow. Oh yeah, that’s plenty of time. No one will still be mad then.

RORY: Sarcasm does not become you.

LANE: Maybe not, but it does sustain me.

[cut to Lorelai, Sookie and Christopher finding seats]

LORELAI: Hey, why isn’t Jackson here?

SOOKIE: Oh, he’s singing to his persimmons tonight. They’ve been a little sour lately.

LORELAI: Oh, right.

CHRISTOPHER: Right? You just accept that explanation?

LORELAI: Yeah, why shouldn’t I?

CHRISTOPHER: Because she just told you the man isn’t here because he’s singing to fruit.

LORELAI: That’s better than dancing with it. Remember last year’s watermelon crop?

SOOKIE: Oh, yeah – threw his back out.

LORELAI: Mm hmm.

CHRISTOPHER: I’m facing the screen now.

SOOKIE: The movie’s already starting? I thought it started at eight.

LORELAI: No, this is a little pre-movie treat.

[On the screen, the words "a film by kirk" appear. Kirk and a woman walk up to a house]

KIRK: I can’t wait to meet your family.

WOMAN: I’m very close to my family.

KIRK: I know this. That’s why I can’t wait to meet your family.

WOMAN: Remember, Daddy is quite protective. I’m his favorite daughter.

KIRK: He has good taste. I intend to tell him that.

WOMAN: I love you.

[They knock on the door and a man answers]

WOMAN: Daddy.

DAD: You are with my favorite daughter.

KIRK: You have good taste.

DAD: Come in the house.

WOMAN: I love you.

[inside the house, Kirk, the woman, and her parents sit in chairs in the living room just staring at each other. Finally, Kirk stands up]

KIRK: I love your daughter.

DAD: Who are you to love my daughter? What can you offer her?

KIRK: Nothing. Only this. [starts dancing]

[cut to the audience]


LORELAI: He raps later.

SOOKIE: Okay, Jackson needs to see this. Hey, if I can’t get him here quick enough. . .

LORELAI: Oh, we are so playing this again after the movie.

SOOKIE: Great, I’ll be back. [leaves]

CHRISTOPHER: This town is like one big outpatient mental institution.

LORELAI: Glad you could join us.

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, me too.

LORELAI: It’s so nice you decided to stay for the movie. I mean, it’s really fun being able to say, ‘hey, look, I know that person. I talk to him everyday and so far, he’s never bitten me.’

CHRISTOPHER: That’s it, I’m definitely coming around more often. You need protection.

LORELAI: Coming around more sounds good.

CHRISTOPHER: I wish I could stay longer.

LORELAI: Well, you gotta get back to Sherry. Don’t worry, we understand.

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well, I wish I could stay.

[Rory sits down with them]

RORY: Hey, where did Sookie go? Oh my Lord.

LORELAI: Quick, cover her eyes. She’s just a child, she shouldn’t have to see this.

RORY: He’s taking his shirt off.

CHRISTOPHER: I shouldn’t have to see this either. I’m going for popcorn.

LORELAI: Me please.

RORY: Me too.

CHRISTOPHER: Got it, be right back. [leaves]

RORY: I like it when he’s here.

LORELAI: Yeah, me too.

[on the screen, Kirk finishes dancing and the dad stands up.]

DAD: Let’s eat.

[the movie ends and the audience claps. Patty walks up to Lorelai and Rory]

MISS PATTY: I did the choreography.


BABETTE: Patty, doll, come here!

MISS PATTY: I’ll see you later.

LORELAI: Bye Patty. [to Rory] So, how are you feeling?

RORY: Haunted by the sight of Kirk’s bare chest.

[pan over to Babette and Miss Patty talking]


BABETTE: I swear to God!


BABETTE: Last night, not long after the accident happened, Luke walked him straight to the bus station, stuck the kid on a bus, sent him home to his mom.

MISS PATTY: I can’t believe Luke would send him off like that.

BABETTE: Well, I heard the kid wanted to go. I don’t know. All I know is that Jess is gone.

MISS PATTY: Well, well, well. What will we do for entertainment around here?

BABETTE: Beats the hell outta me.

[pan over to Lorelai and Rory, who heard the conversation]


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