written by Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by Michael Katleman
transcrpt by Vanessa
CUT TO GRANDMAS HOUSE
[Lorelai, Rory and Grandma sitting at the dinner table]
EMILY: Everyones awfully quiet tonight.
LORELAI: Sorry Mom, Im just tired.
RORY: Me too - school.
LORELAI: Dig it man.
RORY: Peace out Humphrey.
EMILY: Mystery. [pause] Well this is just ridiculous. Three intelligent women sitting here in complete silence. There must be something to talk about. Do you know that every night at dinner, the Kennedy clan would sit around the table having lively debates about everything under the sun? They would quiz each other about current events, historical facts, intellectual trivia. Now the Gilmore clan is just as smart and worldly as the Kennedys so come on - somebody - say something.
LORELAI: Do you know that butt models make $10,000 a day? [Rory chuckles]
EMILY: Camelot is truly dead.
EMILY: In here, just follow the crickets.
RICHARD: I am sorry Im late, but I come bearing wonderful news.
EMILY: Siri bring Mr. Gilmore a plate! [getting up and following him to his seat]
RICHARD: I just got off the phone.
EMILY: Would you like to change first?
RICHARD: No, no, no Im fine. So I -
EMILY: Siri, Mr. Gilmore is hungry! [placing napkin in his lap]
RICHARD: Emily, I am perfectly capable of putting a napkin on my lap.
EMILY: Alright Im sorry. You were on the phone.
RICHARD: Long distance.
LORELAI: God lives in London?
RICHARD: My mother lives in London.
LORELAI: Your mother is God?
LORELAI: So, God is a woman...
RICHARD: And a relative, thats so cool. Im gonna totally ask for favors.
RICHARD: [to Rory] Make her stop.
RORY: Oh that I could.
EMILY: You spoke to your mother.
RICHARD: Yes I did. Shes fine, she sends her love and...shes coming to visit.
LORELAI: Youre kidding?
RORY: Im gonna get to meet my great-grandma?
RICHARD: Lorelai I.
LORELAI: I was named after her.
RORY: I figured.
EMILY: Richard when?
RICHARD: Youre going to love her. My mother is brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
LORELAI: We share that also.
EMILY: Im asking a question here, does no one hear me? Am I suddenly invisible?
RICHARD: Im sorry. What was the question?
EMILY: When is your mother arriving?
RICHARD: A week from today. Rory, Im telling you, its going to be such a treat.
EMILY: Excuse me. [leaves]
LORELAI: I still cant get over that Im related to God. Its gonna make getting Madonna tickets so much easier.
[Pan to basement]
LORELAI: Mom? Mom?
EMILY: Its just like that woman, no warnings, no discussions, then out of the blue Im coming next week.
LORELAI: What are you doing?
EMILY: I have to unpack these things.
LORELAI: What things? Excuse me boys [to statue of two dogs]
EMILY: I have to get out everything shes ever given us. 35 years worth of fish lamps and dog statues, lion tables and stupid naked angels with their...butts!
LORELAI: Whoa! Stupid naked angel butts? What did David Manic just stop by.
EMILY: Leave please.
LORELAI: Mom calm down.
EMILY: I cant calm down! That lamp shade is missing, the china is cracked and I cant remember which table it is that she gave us for our 10 year anniversary!!
LORELAI: Mother, Grandma is a very old woman, I highly doubt that shes going to remember everything she ever bought you.
EMILY: She will remember down to the very last shrimp fork and do you know why?
LORELAI: No. [to dogs] Do you guys know why?
EMILY: Because she doesnt just give you a present, she gives you a present and she tells you where to put it, how to use it, what it costs - for insurance purposes of course - and God forbid you should have a different opinion or you dont think it works in the space or you just get tired of waking up every morning with those horrifying animals staring at you!
LORELAI: [to dogs] Shes just upset.
EMILY: Stop talking to the dogs!
LORELAI: Mom! Youre freaking out. Ive never seen you freak out before.
EMILY: Yes you have you were 12, it was the last time that horrible woman came to visit. [tries to pull a rug off a shelf.]
LORELAI: Do you want some help?
EMILY: No! [sighs] Please.
LORELAI: Wheres it going?
EMILY: Third floor.
LORELAI: How about second floor?
EMILY: Third floor.
LORELAI: How about first floor on a ladder?
CUT TO INSIDE CAR
RORY: So tell me more about her.
LORELAI: I dont really know that much.
RORY: Well you know more than I do.
LORELAI: Well lets see. She moved to London when Grandpa died but she didnt like to travel so once a year Mom and Dad would go to visit her, usually leaving me behind, much to my relief by the way, and thats it. The rest I know from stories just like you.
RORY: Grandpa says I remind him of her.
LORELAI: That is the biggest compliment that can be wrenched out of Grumpy McFarlen believe me.
RORY: I hope she likes me.
LORELAI: Shell love you.
RORY: I hope she and Grandma get along.
LORELAI: Shell love you.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Paris, Madeline, Louise, Tristin, Rory and two other guys sitting in a circle working]
PARIS: I think that the basic structure of the Elizabethan government is relatively sound. The division of power between the monarchy, the privy council and the parliament all seem to work. Agreed?
PARIS: Ok, so in establishing our own government, I think duplicating a similar structure would be good, with a few alterations. Queen Elizabeth chose to remain unwed. She took on the burden of leadership all by herself at a time when possibly marrying the Prince of France or the King of Spain would solidify her thrown while expanding her empire. And though it obviously worked for her, and the concept of a woman ruling without man is certainly politically correct these days, I think we need to take a different tact. [in the background while Louise and Madeline talk] I think we need to devise a nation with a truly solidified royal alliance...
MADELINE: [over Paris] She does know this is a make belief government right?
LOUISE: [over Paris] You ask her, Im afraid.
PARIS: [in foreground] So in addition to the different political branches, well also need a King and Queen. Rory, Tristin, what about you?
RORY: Yes, no.
RORY: I just dont want to be queen.
TRISTIN: Me either [pause] King - I dont want to be king.
RORY: What about you? You be queen.
PARIS: Im going to be head of Parliament. I cant be queen.
RORY: Be both.
PARIS: I cant be both.
RORY: Why not? Its our government.
PARIS: Its not done that way.
RORY: It can be though, lets vote.
RORY: Henry VIII started a new church when the old one wouldnt allow divorce.
PARIS: He also cut off his wifes head. Is he still your role model?
RORY: Im just saying we have the opportunity to make any kind of government we want here.
PARIS: Why wont you be queen?
MADELINE: Ill be queen.
RORY: There, make Madeline queen.
PARIS: Fine, youre queen, Tristins king.
LOUISE: Ill be the lady-in-waiting. The one with the low-cut blue velvet renaissance dress.
PARIS: Lady-in-waiting is not a political office.
LOUISE: No but they get all the sex.
LOUISE: Watch a movie.
PARIS: We are talking about government class not the movies. God why cant I get one person to care about this as much as I do?!
LOUISE: Ok fine. Ill be the head of the Quarter Sessions court, but Im still wearing the dress. Happy?
PARIS: Out of my mind. Ok, so, I secured us the class room to work tomorrow and Sunday so that by Monday well be ready.
MADELINE: Were working all weekend?
LOUISE: Youre kidding. [Bell rings]
PARIS: Take this. Its an outline for the entire system - point of methods, some basic laws and penalties plus some random ideas. Please be ready to discuss it tomorrow 9:00 in the morning, dont be late.
MADELINE: Wow, she designed the flag.
PARIS: [in the hallway] Question.
PARIS: Whats up with you and Tristin?
RORY: What do you mean?
PARIS: You just seem weird around each other.
RORY: Nope, no weirder than usual.
PARIS: I disagree.
RORY: You usually do.
PARIS: I just think its strange that you dont wanna be queen.
RORY: You know, not all girls want to be queen Paris. Even Barbie ended up being a stewardess.
PARIS: Ok, if you say so. Read my manifesto, I want your thoughts.
RORY: First thought - lose the word manifesto.
PARIS: Too cabin-in-the-woods?
RORY: Dont open your mail.
PARIS: Right. How about doctrine?
PARIS: Ok, see you tomorrow.
RORY: Bye. [realizes she left her notebook and heads back to the classroom. She runs into Tristin]
TRISTIN: Uh...you left this [handing her her notebook.]
RORY: Oh yeah I did. Thanks.
TRISTIN: Sure. [both try to go through the doorway together and backup]
RORY: Well, that could have been a potential Marx Brothers moment.
TRISTIN: You go first.
RORY: Ok. [starts to exit but then turns back] I think we need to talk.
TRISTIN: About what?
RORY: Tristin you know about what?
TRISTIN: No I dont.
RORY: Look, we have a lot of work ahead of us. We also have about two and a half years of being in the same school. I dont want things to be weird between us. Dont you think itd be good to at least try to talk about this?
RORY: Good. [They both try to go through the doorway at the same time again] Im gonna go first.
TRISTIN: Right [chuckles]
CUT TO INN
LORELAI: Ugh! Its still not working.
MICHEL: Well you did something wrong.
LORELAI: I didnt do anything wrong. I did the same thing I always do when Im pulling up reservations for the upcoming month but nothing happened.
MICHEL: You typed in the name?
LORELAI: I typed in the name.
MICHEL: You clicked on the April 5?
LORELAI: I clicked on the April 5.
MICHEL: You double clicked on confirmation?
LORELAI: I double clicked.
MICHEL: Are you sure?
LORELAI: Yes I double clicked.
MICHEL: You clicked twice.
LORELAI: No I double clicked but I didnt click twice.
MICHEL: Because to successfully double click you must click twice.
LORELAI: I know what double click is.
MICHEL: Well apparently you do not or we wouldnt be having this conversation.
LORELAI: Ooh, Im going to pinch you so hard right now.
MICHEL: Well I dont know what you have done!
LORELAI: Well - ah! [as Michel pushes her out of the way]
MICHEL: Well I cant fix it if you dont move.
LORELAI: I double clicked. [as Michel starts to type] Ooh, whats that?
LORELAI: That flashy red thing [speaks at the same time as Michel] with an x through it.
MICHEL: [speaks at the same time as Lorelai] I do not know.
LORELAI: Ooh, it happened when you pushed something funky.
MICHEL: I pushed nothing funky.
LORELAI: You have the funk my friend. [phone rings] Independence Inn.
EMILY: I need the hat rack.
LORELAI: [whispers] The fish flies at night.
LORELAI: I dont know, who is this?
EMILY: This is your mother.
LORELAI: Oh well hi Mom, I didnt recognize your voice.
EMILY: I need the hat rack back.
LORELAI: What hat rack?
EMILY: The hat rack I gave you.
LORELAI: What hat rack?
EMILY: The hat rack I gave you for Christmas five years ago.
LORELAI: Uh, well...
EMILY: Its large, bronze with dragons or weasels - I dont know, some sort of lizard type animal that you hang your coats on.
LORELAI: Yes, yes, I remember it.
EMILY: Thank God. I need it back.
LORELAI: You need a Christmas present back?
LORELAI: Why Mom?
EMILY: I need it back because Richards mother gave it to us and shell notice if its not there.
LORELAI: You gave me a used present?
EMILY: No, we never used it.
LORELAI: I cant believe it.
EMILY: Youll get it back.
LORELAI: You gave me a second hand present, like something you got at the junk store.
EMILY: Youre being a little dramatic. It was still in the crate.
LORELAI: You actually went Huh, what should I get Lorelai this year. You know what, I cant be bothered. Lets give her something we dont want anymore.
EMILY: Youre not funny.
LORELAI: What would Miss Manners say about this?
EMILY: If she met your grandmother shed understand. Now please, just bring the rack with you when you come tonight ok?
LORELAI: [sighing] Ok, sure.
EMILY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Youre welcome. Bye.
CUT TO OUTSIDE CHILTON
TRISTIN: [sighs] So were supposed to talk.
RORY: Yeah. Look about the other night.
TRISTIN: Look, I was upset over Summer.
RORY: Yes and I was upset over Dean.
TRISTIN: So, then it doesnt mean anything right?
TRISTIN: So then - right, so then thats it. We just chalk it up to a bad night.
RORY: Ok. Im sorry I cried.
TRISTIN: No problem.
RORY: I swear it had nothing to do with the kiss.
TRISTIN: I kissed you, you cried. That had to do something with the kiss.
RORY: No, I cried because I was confused. Because I hadnt cried. I didnt cry because of the kiss. It was a nice kiss.
RORY: Very nice. Not at all crying material.
TRISTIN: Wanna try it again?
RORY: Well I think someones recovering from their heartbreak just fine.
TRISTIN: Yeah Im all better. [small pause] I think Im going to swear off girls for a while.
RORY: Uh, sorry, nothing. You said you were going to swear off girls - its funny.
TRISTIN: You dont think I can?
RORY: No I think you can, I just think it would be hard for you. Itd probably involve some kind of lock up facility, one of those Hannibal Lector masks.
TRISTIN: Ok yes, it would be hard but not impossible.
RORY: Maybe its not so much swearing off all girls but swearing off a certain kind of girl.
RORY: Meaning next time maybe you should pick a girl with a little more substance. You know, a girl whos smart and is driven and has ambition. You know like Paris.
TRISTIN: Are you serious?
RORY: Yeah why not? Paris is smart and cute and interesting and yes she does bring her own unique set of baggage into the mix.
TRISTIN: A matching set.
RORY: But she likes you. Shes crazy about you. She thinks youre amazing.
TRISTIN: You want me to date Paris?
RORY: Just think about it.
TRISTIN: [exhales loudly] Me and Paris.
RORY: Louis, I think this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship.
TRISTIN: Whos Louis?
RORY: Just think. [leaves]
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE.
LORELAI: [sighs] Come on, lets go.
RORY: Relax, Im almost ready.
LORELAI: Were gonna be late.
RORY: No were not.
LORELAI: Well its Friday night and traffics bad on Friday night.
RORY: Since when?
LORELAI: Since the beginning of time. Here let me do that. [puts on necklace for Rory]
RORY: Whats up with you?
RORY: Youve been ready and bugging me for almost an hour. Usually I have to drag you out of here kicking and screaming to go to dinner.
LORELAI: Now then.
RORY: You whine, you complain, you act like a child.
LORELAI: I do not.
RORY: I had to pay you five bucks once so you wouldnt go in sweats.
LORELAI: Make your point and make it fast, as we move quickly to the front door.
RORY: My point is that you are mean.
LORELAI: I am not mean.
RORY: You are. You want to go to dinner to see Grandma uncomfortable, thats mean.
LORELAI: Oh, ok, look. I will admit, I work very hard and sometimes I am a little tired come Friday night for the Gilmore family dinner. But I had a light day today and my grandmother who I have not seen for years is going to be there.
RORY: And it has nothing to do with the fact that Grandma hates Great-grandma?
LORELAI: Not at all.
RORY: And when you see Grandma miserable and uncomfortable youre going to be sad and sympathetic?
LORELAI: Not at all.
LORELAI: Im kidding.
RORY: I want you to be nice.
LORELAI: I will be nice.
RORY: And no outward reveling in someone elses pain.
LORELAI: I promise, internal reveling only.
RORY: Ok then, we can go.
LORELAI: Ok good. Oh wait [grabs a camera] So the internal reveling can continue for years to come.
CUT TO INSIDE CAR
[Lorelai starts to laugh to herself.]
RORY: Mean, mean, mean.
CUT TO GRANDMAS HOUSE
[Lorelai and Rory are carrying the hat rack]
RORY: God, this thing weighs like a 1000 pounds.
LORELAI: I know, I know. Here, put down.
RORY: What are we doing?
LORELAI: Well, in case Gran comes to the door you know.
RORY: Good thinking.
LORELAI: I mean shes 80. The eyes have got to be gone right?
RORY: Lets just try to keep her inside the house.
LORELAI: Good thinking [knocks]
EMILY: Do you have it?
LORELAI: We got it.
EMILY: Hurry up, bring it in here.
EMILY: Ok, quiet, be quiet.
LORELAI: Ok mom, thanks for the direction and all but, um, we need some help.
EMILY: Oh yeah sorry.
LORELAI: [to Rory] Careful honey.
EMILY: Watch it, watch your head. Get it over here. Ok yes, yeah I think that was about - no I think it was maybe a little more on the left. Oh God I should have put tape down.
LORELAI: Mom, you dont think that the coat rack couldve moved a quarter of an inch in five years?
EMILY: Yeah youre right. Thats it. Ok, put your coats on it.
LORELAI: Howd you get her in here without her noticing it wasnt there?
EMILY: Well I brought her in through the back way then I had Stella wax the floors, also she napped so that took up about an hour.
RORY: Where is she now?
EMILY: In the living room scratching the diamond pendant I bought her against a mirror.
LORELAI: So we shouldnt keep her waiting huh?
EMILY: No youre right, we shouldnt. Oh, heaven help me! [they head for the living room. Lorelai chuckles.]
EMILY: Mom, look whos here?
EMILY: Well, look.
TRIX: If I wanted to look, I would look. I havent looked therefore you must draw your own conclusions. Ah, thank you, dear boy. [Grandpa gives her a drink]
RICHARD: Youre welcome Trix.
LORELAI: Dads pet name for Gran.
EMILY: Isnt it just darling?
LORELAI: Hi Gran.
LORELAI: Yes, its so good to see you again.
RICHARD: Trix, this is Rory. You havent met her yet.
TRIX: No, I dont believe I have.
TRIX: Come. I want to get a very good look at both of you. Theyre tall.
RICHARD: Well yes they are.
TRIX: Hows your health?
LORELAI: Oh, good.
RORY: Very healthy.
TRIX: Good. That means that the majority of your blood is Gilmore blood. Gilmores dont get sick. Am I right Richard?
RICHARD: Oh we wouldnt dare Trix.
TRIX: Thats right. Your mother is always sick.
EMILY: Im hardly always sick.
TRIX: Youre sick right now.
LORELAI: Are you sick now Mom?
TRIX: Gilmores dont have headaches, our heads are perfect. You dont drink?
LORELAI: Uh, well...
TRIX: Emily, get this woman a drink.
RICHARD: Oh Ill do it.
LORELAI: Oh thanks Dad. White wine.
EMILY: Im going to go get the hors douevres.
TRIX: So youre Rory.
RORY: Yes maam.
TRIX: My son speaks of you constantly. He seems very fond of you.
RORY: Oh well Im very fond of him too.
RICHARD: This little girl is as smart as a whip Mom. I think she has a great deal of you in her.
TRIX: How nice. [Grandma enters with a tray of cheese] Is this cheese?
EMILY: Yes it is.
TRIX: Am I supposed to eat that cheese?
EMILY: Well only if you like.
RICHARD: Emily, where are those spiced nuts that Trix likes so much?
EMILY: Ill get some.
TRIX: So Lorelai, since Ive seen you last, youve grown up, gotten pregnant out of wedlock, raised a child and still havent bothered to get married. Have I left anything out?
LORELAI: Well sometime in between growing up and getting pregnant, I got my ears pierced.
TRIX: Ive always hated a scandal. However Ive always appreciated self-sufficiency. Tell me, how do you support this child?
LORELAI: I run an inn.
TRIX: Hard work?
LORELAI: Yes it is.
TRIX: Good. Hard work is good for a woman - makes her stronger. I admire people who enjoy hard work.
EMILY: Here we go, spiced nuts.
TRIX: Thank you Emily. I suppose I can just put these nuts in my hand.
EMILY: Ill be right back.
LORELAI: So Gran, um, when was the last time I saw you?
TRIX: You were still in your teens, wild hair flying everywhere. I see youve taken care of that.
LORELAI: Yes, I joined a support group, bought a hair brush and just taking it one day at a time.
TRIX: That was a joke?
LORELAI: Yes it is.
TRIX: Very good.
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: I have dishes and napkins.
TRIX: Good for you. Richard, I would like to be escorted into the dining room now.
RICHARD: Your wish is my command.
EMILY: Well, uh, Im not sure that dinner is ready just yet.
TRIX: Well perhaps our presence in the dining room will teach your help that when one is told dinner is at 7:00, people often expects dinner at 7:00.
EMILY: But its only five after Mom.
TRIX: Only five after? Richard, in the even that I am kidnapped and a ransom is demanded at a certain time, I would prefer that Emily not be in charge of the drop off. [Lorelai and Rory get up and follow. Lorelai gives Emily a what can you do shoulder shrug]
[Pan to later that evening.]
RORY: Grandma, this dinners delicious.
TRIX: Very good young lady, well all believe you. Now, lets talk about your education. Where are you attending school?
RICHARD: Rory is in the top ten percent of her class.
EMILY: Were very proud of our Rory. Shes going to Harvard.
RORY: Yes maam.
TRIX: Richard, how can you allow this girl to go to Harvard?!
RICHARD: Now Trix -
TRIX: Youre a Yale man, your father was a Yale man!
LORELAI: Well we want Rory to be whatever kind of man she wants to be.
TRIX: Thats enough jokes for this evening Lorelai.
TRIX: Now if you dont mind my asking, Chilton is rather an expensive institution, Im curious how the manager of an inn can afford such a luxury?
LORELAI: Ah well...
EMILY: Were helping Lorelai out a little.
RICHARD: Yes, weve seen to it that Rorys education is taken care of.
LORELAI: But its temporary. Its a loan. I plan to pay them back every cent. They know this.
TRIX: Thats it, Im done. Richard. Tomorrow, Rory, I shall plan the menu. When youve lived in Europe you learn a thing or two about food.
RORY: Oh, I cant. Im studying tomorrow. Im in a study group and our presentation is due on Monday
TRIX: Oh very well, your mother can tell you all about it.
LORELAI: I will, I promise.
EMILY: Wont you have dessert?
TRIX: I once traveled to a small village in Cambodia, I did not eat dessert there either.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Louise is laying across several desks with her eyes closed]
LOUISE: What time is it?
MADELINE: Its almost nine. Hey maybe Ill own a magazine some day. Then Ill get all my nail polish for free.
LOUISE: Im going back to sleep. Tell Paris I hate her.
MADELINE: Hey Paris. Louise hates you.
PARIS: Youll thank me when you get into Sarah Lawrence.
LOUISE: Wanna bet?
MADELINE: Wow, did you bring coffee?
RORY: And doughnuts in the shape of clowns.
MADELINE: Hey theyve got hats.
RORY: Well a clown just isnt a clown without a hat. [to Paris] Here is your decaf with soy milk.
RORY: Youre welcome. So I read your doctrine and I thing our imaginary kingdom is off to a pretty good start.
RORY: Yeah. I mean the taxes are a little high and the landowners power should be regulated a little more.
PARIS: It was a different time back then.
RORY: Yeah but the fundamental human needs were the same.
PARIS: Were supposed to set it up within -
LOUISE: Ding, ding, ding. No debating until Ive had coffee.
MADELINE: And a clown.
MADELINE: Hi Tristin.
TRISTIN: Paris, can I talk to you for a sec?
LORELAI: Oh, sure ok.
LOUISE: And that is about what pray tell?
MADELINE: I dont know. The project - maybe?
LOUISE: They couldve talked project here. Its something else. Something private.
LOUISE: Maybe. Though it is Paris.
MADELINE: Scandal lite.
LOUISE: All the taste, but much fewer calories.
MADELINE: We could spy.
RORY: Or we could wait for her to come back in to see if she wants us to know.
LOUISE: Those who simply wait for information to find them, spend a lot of time sitting by the phone. Those who go out and find it themselves, have something to say when it rings.
RORY: My next guess. [Paris comes back in.]
LOUISE: So, what was with the confab in the hallway?
MADELINE: Were dying here.
PARIS: Well, Tristin, he...asked me out.
LOUISE: My, my, my.
MADELINE: Wow, this is amazing. God Im jealous.
LOUISE: Details please. Dont leave out anything. We want every comma, apostrophe and ampersand.
PARIS: Well he just asked me out.
PARIS: No, you hmmed. Why did you hmm?
LOUISE: Forget it.
PARIS: Louise tell me why you hmmed.
LOUISE: He asked you out for tonight.
MADELINE: Less than 24 hours notice.
PARIS: So? What does that mean?
LOUISE: Usually that someone else cancelled.
RORY: Or maybe he just got up the nerve to ask her out.
LOUISE: This is so amazing. I mean you are so far from Tristins type.
MADELINE: So, so far.
LOUISE: Tristin usually likes his girls bad.
MADELINE: Looks like were going to have to do the Pink Ladies makeover on you.
LOUISE: Well turn you from a sweet Sandy to a sluty Sandy. Dancing at the school fair with high heels, black spandex and permed hair.
MADELINE: You can borrow my water bra.
PARIS: Excuse me?
MADELINE: My water bra. Its like a padded bra but its filled with some sort of liquid so it moves.
PARIS: It moves?
PARIS: On its own?
MADELINE: It makes you look natural.
PARIS: Great. Thanks, but Ill pass. Everyone come on, lets get to work.
RORY: I think youre gonna have a really good time.
PARIS: Yeah well, its just a date right?
RORY: Oh, right.
PARIS: Ok, focus people.
RORY: Do you want one? [point at the clowns]
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
LORELAI: [running into the house and upstairs] Hi! Five minute talking break while I change. [upstairs] My day - big leak third floor, lots of things going squish that should not be squishing. Michel is not help. And now Im late for dinner which by the way Im completely bummed youre not coming to - [holding up shirts] which one - blue, black, good, bad?
LORELAI: Ok. Are you sure you cant come?
RORY: Yeah Im sure. If Im not prepared tomorrow, Paris is gonna have me sent to the Tower. Although if things go well tonight, I bet itll help tomorrow.
RORY: Yeah, shes going out on a date with Tristin.
LORELAI: Howd that happen?
RORY: I did a little matchmaking.
LORELAI: [in Ricki Ricardo voice] Lucy, how many times have I told you not to butt into there peoples business?
LORELAI: [normal voice] Good going.
RORY: Thats all.
LORELAI: Alright, well I want details tomorrow now how do I look?
LORELAI: [sighs] Ok. My five minutes are up. [grabbing shoes] Lets go. [going downstairs] There is money on the kitchen table and theres really good chocolate cake that I took out and defrosted for you specially this morning and call me if you need me and Ill be home early and what else?
RORY: Dont be mean to Grandma.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah broken record. Ok, Im gone.
RORY: Be good.
[Pan to later, Rory studying and eating cake. Knock]
PARIS: [holding clothes] I dont know what to wear.
PARIS: On my date with Tristin. Im not trendy girl ok? I dont haunt the boutiques hoping to find that one fabulous little top. I study and then I think about studying and then I study some more.
RORY: Do you want to come in?
PARIS: I only have one lipstick at home ok? And its barely even a color. You put it on and it looks like youre not wearing anything which is why I liked it in the first place. But to date you need the fabulous little top and you need a lipstick that you can actually tell youre wearing.
RORY: Do you want to put that stuff down?
PARIS: You said once that if I ever needed to talk to anymore I could come talk to you.
RORY: Yes I did.
PARIS: Well here I am.
RORY: Ok, can I ask you a question?
RORY: Why didnt you go to Madeline or Louise about this? I mean they seem to get that fabulous little top thing.
PARIS: Oh yeah that they get. The whole supportive Youre going to be fine and not throw up 12 times on the way to his car thing - that they dont get.
RORY: Ok, lets just see what you got.
PARIS: I brought everything just in case there was some sort of hidden potential in something that I just didnt see. So?
RORY: Well youd be one well dressed widow.
PARIS: Forget it. Im not going.
RORY: Yes you are. Come on now. This is your entire wardrobe?
RORY: Nothings left at home.
PARIS: Nothing but my Chilton uniform and my bat mitzvah dress which has menorahs on the collar.
RORY: Ok lets think. Come on. [going upstairs]
PARIS: Where are you going?
RORY: to our one stop shopping store.
[Upstairs in Lorelais room.]
PARIS: Is this your mothers room?
RORY: Yes it is.
PARIS: I cant wear your mothers clothes.
RORY: Yes you can, I do it all the time. What about this? [holding up pink blouse]
PARIS: My mother says the color pink makes my head look small.
RORY: Ok, no pink.
PARIS: This whole thing is so insane.
PARIS: Tristin asking me out? Why would he do that?
RORY: Why would he not do that?
PARIS: Because hes gorgeous and experienced and only dates those most likely to become a trophy wife.
RORY: Tristin would be lucky to go out with someone like you. Hes not going to have to read the menu to you or explain that the dancing trash bins in the movie theatre previews arent real. Its going to be much less stressful.
PARIS: All these years Ive hoped this would happen and now it has and I feel...I dont know. I dont have a lot of experience in the dating department. I mean if you cant put it on your transcript whats the point right?
RORY: I know. Before Dean Id never had a boyfriend. Or a kiss.
RORY: I never even thought about dating.
PARIS: Then you met Dean.
RORY: Yeah. And he was so special and nice and made me completely nauseous.
PARIS: The best ones do.
RORY: I couldnt even talk around him.
PARIS: I saw you at the dance. You didnt seem to have any trouble talking. Or gazing annoyingly into each others eyes.
RORY: But that was after wed been dating a little. After we started going out and spending time together, I dont know, it just kind of got easier. And then by the third date everything was perfect.
PARIS: Do you miss him a lot?
RORY: Yeah, a lot, a lot.
RORY: Thanks. But tonight is not about me. Tonight is about you going out with Tristin in this outfit. What do you think?
PARIS: Its ok. [Rory gives her a look] Its great.
RORY: Put it on.
PARIS: Are you sure?
RORY: Yeah. Bathrooms down the hall and Ill get you a lipstick with some actual color in it.
PARIS: Ok. [throws her jacket on the bed and note cards fall out of it.]
RORY: Uh, Paris. What are these cards that fell out of your jacket?
PARIS: Oh yeah. Those are notes for tonight.
PARIS: Yeah. Just some reference points really - you know subjects to bring up in case the conversation lags.
RORY: Well can I suggest that you leave this one about the Spanish Inquisition out?
PARIS: Its not very romantic?
RORY: Not really.
PARIS: Ok, Im dressed.
RORY: Hows it look?
RORY: Well I dont really trust your opinion on that subject so come out here please.
PARIS: Fine but it looks bad. [opens bathroom door]
RORY: You look great!
PARIS: I feel weird.
RORY: Well then weird works for you because you look amazing.
PARIS: Really? Youre not just saying that?
RORY: I swear to God.
PARIS: Are you atheist?
RORY: Excuse me?
PARIS: Because that affects the validity of your swearing to God.
RORY: You look great. And I wouldnt tell you you did if you didnt.
PARIS: Ok, well if you think it looks ok.
RORY: I believe the word amazing was used.
PARIS: Then Ill wear it. Thanks.
PARIS: I have to go.
PARIS: Youre going to hold this evening over my head for the rest of my life arent you?
CUT TO GRANDMAS HOUSE
TRIX: What did you think about the rabbit?
LORELAI: Oh, I thought it was wonderful.
TRIX: You know I brought it with me.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
TRIX: From London. London has the best game.
LORELAI: You brought it with you from London?
LORELAI: What, did you get it a seat?
EMILY: Dry ice.
LORELAI: Wow! Thats inventive.
TRIX: Well it looks like were finished here.
RICHARD: Lets retire to the living room for a brandy.
TRIX: Yes. Lorelai, walk with me. I have something that I want to discuss with you.
TRIX: Ive been thinking about something I heard the other night.
LORELAI: What was that?
TRIX: That you borrowed money from your parents for Rorys school.
LORELAI: Well if youre worried about them getting the money back -
TRIX: You know Shakespeare once wrote Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Do you consider Shakespeare a wise man?
LORELAI: Uh, sure, yeah.
EMILY: We certainly dont mind loaning Lorelai the money if thats what youre worried about.
RICHARD: Certainly not. Rory is first priority in this house.
TRIX: Im not concerned about whether you mind or not. Loaning money is a dirty business. Its distasteful and I dont care for it. As you know, I came into town to check up on the family investments and to talk with our lawyers. I have some things to put in order, and one of them is setting up a trust fund for Rory.
LORELAI: Wh - thats amazing. Really?
TRIX: Now normally I would set up a fund that she would have access to when shes 25. However, considering the situation, if you like, I will arrange for her to get it now.
TRIX: That way she can use it to pay for Chilton.
LORELAI: Oh Gran, I dont know what to say, that is so generous of you.
RICHARD: My mother is a very special woman isnt she?
TRIX: You talk about me like Im dead.
RICHARD: Oh youre never going to die! Youre too stubborn!
LORELAI: Gran this is - I dont know what to say.
TRIX: Nothing now would be preferable. I have arranged for you and your mother and I to have tea tomorrow before I leave. Say it then. Good night Emily.
EMILY: Good night.
RICHARD: Well Ill just uh, walk mother upstairs and be right back.
LORELAI: Wow! That was quite a bomb she just dropped.
EMILY: It certainly was.
LORELAI: God! Um, I guess I should be going. Thanks for dinner Mom. Ill see you tomorrow. [leaves]
EMILY: Lorelai...[follows her to foyer] Youre not honestly considering accepting that money are you?
LORELAI: Um yeah, of course Im considering it.
EMILY: I dont think thats very wise.
LORELAI: Why not?
EMILY: Because shes a young girl. She wont know the first thing about managing that money.
LORELAI: Yeah, well, Ill help her.
EMILY: You dont know the first thing about managing that money either.
LORELAI: No, but Ive very familiar with the second thing.
EMILY: How can you not see the pitfalls in accepting that money?
EMILY: I mean youre the one that brags about how special your relationship with Rory is. Im stunned that you want to jeopardize it like this.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
EMILY: Well you know as well as I do that money is freedom.
EMILY: If Rory has that money she wont need you anymore.
LORELAI: I dont know Mom, shes 16. Theres still a couple of ways I might come in handy, you know buying the beer that kind of stuff.
EMILY: Well Im glad you thing losing your daughter is so funny.
EMILY: Shell be self sufficient, she wont need you to pay for anything, she wont have to turn to you.
LORELAI: Everything in a relationship isnt about money mom.
EMILY: Shell move out as soon as she can.
LORELAI: So what.
EMILY: She wont need your help to put her through college, she wont need you to buy a car.
LORELAI: Ok you know what? Say goodbye to Dad for me as soon as the voices in your head subside.
EMILY: Why should she wait to backpack around Europe with you? She could afford to go herself. And she could take a friend or a boyfriend or anyone.
LORELAI: Yeah well she wants to go with me.
EMILY: Well now of course she does she doesnt have options. But the minute you give her options...
LORELAI: Ok, thats it. Youre nuts and Im going - in that order. [leaves]
EMILY: Its terrible not to be needed. Youll see!
[Pan to Gilmore house, Lorelai walks in and goes into Rorys room to find her asleep. She takes away the books from Rory and covers her. She holds up a Harvard brochure and we see Rorys room has posters of places from Europe up.]
CUT TO STREET
[Sookie and Lorelai at flower shop]
SOOKIE: That is amazing!
LORELAI: I know. One minute its pass the pot roast the next minute its hey, heres have a pile of money. Things are never boring at the Gilmore house.
SOOKIE: What did Rory say when you told her?
LORELAI: I havent told her yet.
LORELAI: She was asleep when I got home.
SOOKIE: Hi, for that much money you wake her up! You hire a singing telegram! Women jump out of cakes! People dress up like bankers and dance around with those toasters!
LORELAI: Well shes been working her butt off all week on this Chilton paper, so I let her sleep and Ill tell her tonight.
SOOKIE: Call her now. Ooh, page her, or page her and have her call my cell phone and we can sing the money song from Cabaret. You be Liza, Ill be Joel.
LORELAI: I dont know.
SOOKIE: Hey Im Joel.
LORELAI: I dont want to bother her while shes at school. I can never decide, carnations tacky or trendy?
SOOKIE: You dont want to tell her.
LORELAI: Yeah I do. I think.
SOOKIE: Oh well I understand the hesitation.
LORELAI: You do?
SOOKIE: Absolutely. I mean who wants to be the bearer of good news. All that hugging and happiness - nightmare.
LORELAI: I was, I was thrilled when Gran told me about it and I was going to tell Rory about it right away.
LORELAI: My mother...
LORELAI: ...cornered me by the door saying all this stuff about how when Rory gets the money shes not going to need me and shes gonna move out of the house sooner.
SOOKIE: What? Thats crazy!
LORELAI: I know it is, its crazy and yet...
SOOKIE: Honey come on. The womans just trying to mess with your mind, you know that.
LORELAI: I do.
SOOKIE: She just doesnt want to lose control of you. She wants you to be permanently obligated to her.
LORELAI: I know, I know that.
SOOKIE: So then what? You dont believe what she said do you?
LORELAI: I dont know. I mean youre right - what youre saying about she wants to mess with my mind and make me feel obligated but I mean, what if the money does change our relationship?
LORELAI: Well anythings possible.
SOOKIE: Come on.
LORELAI: I couldnt stand that. I like things the way they are now.
SOOKIE: Lorelai, this is Rory were talking about.
LORELAI: I know.
SOOKIE: Shes like the most unmaterialistic kid in the world.
LORELAI: Not its not about what she would buy. I dont care if she buys a house or a boat or the elephant mans bones. Its just that - you know, its about the freedom. I mean if I had access to all that money as a kid I would have left the house so fast.
SOOKIE: Faster than 17?
LORELAI: No I mean - God I know this is crazy. I have my mothers voice stuck in my head. Its like that annoying Cranberries song. I hate that I let her do this! I have that I let her get to me!
SOOKIE: Well then dont let her. Call Rory and tell her about the money and youll see that nothing will be any different.
LORELAI: I dont want her to go to Europe without me. That was going to be our thing.
SOOKIE: Shes not going to go without you. I promise.
LORELAI: Hey - [looks at Sookies watch] Aw! No! Ive got to go home.
SOOKIE: Why? What are you doing?
LORELAI: I have to change and go to tea with Gran and the cast of Gaslight.
SOOKIE: Wow, Ill see you later.
CUT TO GRANDMAS HOUSE
RICHARD: Youre hysterical, I cant talk to you when youre hysterical.
EMILY: Well you make me hysterical.
RICHARD: I am tired of fighting about this.
EMILY: You have to got to get her to take that offer back.
EMILY: Richard Gilmore I have put up with a lot from this woman over the years...
RICHARD: Keep your voice down.
EMILY: But this time shes gone too far!
RICHARD: Emily please.
EMILY: I can go louder!
RICHARD: If I do as you ask, Ill be insulting my mother. I will not do that.
EMILY: Now you listen to me. I dont care if she demeans me and looks down on me. I dont care if she thinks Ive tarnished the Gilmore name. I dont care if she thinks Im the whore of Babylon. Ive long ago given up any hope of getting into her psychotic good graces, but that woman is horrible and selfish. And shes not going to get away with it. I wont let her.
RICHARD: This is my mother youre talking about.
EMILY: Yes it is. Your mother, the one who stepped in without being asked and single-handedly wrecked everything!
RICHARD: Emily, what is this about?
EMILY: Shell never come back here you know.
RICHARD: Who? Mother, of course she will she -
EMILY: If she gets that money, Lorelai will never come back here. She wont have to.
TRIX: Ive ordered a car, women shouldnt drive. Are you ready? [heads for the door]
EMILY: Yes Im ready. [looks at Richard]
TRIX: I shall die soon you know!
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory sitting outside classroom]
PARIS: Well arent we early. Trying to suck up to Parliament?
RORY: Hey howd it go last night?
PARIS: It went.
RORY: It went well?
PARIS: Well he picked me up. We went to dinner and a movie. I didnt use my note cards once and he kissed me good night.
RORY: Paris Im so glad!
PARIS: It was a great kiss.
RORY: See? All that nervousness for nothing.
PARIS: Yeah. God this is so weird. I cant stop smiling.
RORY: Good, then its a good time to talk about our over taxed peasants.
PARIS: Oh let them eat cake.
TRISTIN: [walking by them] Hey.
RORY: Dont look at me. I didnt kiss you.
[Paris follows him in.]
PARIS: I just wanted to tell you again that I had so much fun last night.
TRISTIN: Yeah, after five messages on my answering machine, I kinda got that impression.
PARIS: Too much, sorry.
TRISTIN: No forget it, it was cute.
PARIS: You know, maybe we could do it again sometime. I mean a different movie of course but the same basic plan.
PARIS: Great, because it was really fun.
TRISTIN: It was fun and we should do it again. I mean you know - as friends.
PARIS: Oh, yeah as friends. [disappointed]
TRISTIN: You noticed it too right? That were sort of more friends material than dating material?
PARIS: Yes I did notice. I have excellent deductive skills.
TRISTIN: But hey, Im glad we did it.
PARIS: Oh sure.
TRISTIN: When Rory first suggested us going out I thought the idea was crazy but she made some good points. We do have some history and well, you never know right?
PARIS: Yes you never know. Ok, so were done here right?
TRISTIN: Uh sure.
PARIS: Great. Excuse me. [walks over to Rory who just entered classroom]
PARIS: It was your idea?
PARIS: So what, I get all your cast offs now?! Im just that pathetic?! Jee I dont want them so maybe I can con the suckers into taking out Paris the loser! Throw the dog a bone!
RORY: Ok let me -
PARIS: I am not your charity case!
RORY: No its not like that, I swear. I just thought you guys would make a good couple thats all.
PARIS: We did make a good couple - for one night! But obviously were more suited to just being friends or at least that was what was conveyed so humiliatingly to me just five seconds ago.
RORY: Paris, Im sorry -
PARIS: I hate you! [storms out and Madeline and Louise who came in and caught the tail end follow her]
RORY: [goes up to Tristin] You told her?
TRISTIN: I didnt know it was a secret.
RORY: Why would you tell her? What is wrong with you?!
TRISTIN: Rory relax, we tried ok, it didnt work out, its not big deal.
RORY: Its a huge deal to Paris and you didnt try. One date isnt trying.
TRISTIN: Rory -
RORY: You said youd try.
TRISTIN: Hey, Im sorry Paris is upset ok? But is it better that I keep dating her even thought I like somebody else?
RORY: I didnt realize. So...youre still not over Summer huh?
TRISTIN: [semi-sarcastically] Yeah, Im not over Summer yet. [leaves, Rory looks confused or feels bad for him]
CUT TO TEA
LORELAI: Wheres Gran?
EMILY: Torturing the bathroom attendant I suppose.
LORELAI: Ah. So um, this place seems clean.
EMILY: Yes, its famous for its cleanliness. So what did Rory say when you told her? About the money I mean. She must have been very excited.
LORELAI: Yes she was. Rose tea. Thats funny. Thats not really tea is it? Its like rose petals in hot water. More like a bad floral arrangement.
EMILY: Well what did Rory say, fill me in?
LORELAI: She was happy.
LORELAI: Yeah - she screamed she did that air-lasso thing over her head.
EMILY: Lorelai be serious.
LORELAI: She was asleep when I got home Mom so I couldnt tell her.
EMILY: She doesnt know?
EMILY: Well...something I said mustve really struck a chord with you.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
EMILY: You didnt tell her so you must have had a reason.
LORELAI: Ah she was asleep Mom, I just told you that.
EMILY: The only thing I can think of is that you must have reconsidered based on our conversation.
LORELAI: I didnt reconsider.
EMILY: I mean yesterday you could hardly wait to get home to announce your great fortune to her. Today all you can talk about is rose petal tea.
LORELAI: Yes well, its a little weird.
EMILY: And you havent told her that now she has her own money to put herself through school, to go to Europe -
LORELAI: Stop right now. This is just like you to take something that should be great and twist it into something ugly. Why do you do that? What is wrong with you?
EMILY: Theres nothing wrong with me.
LORELAI: Yes there is. Theres something seriously wrong with you. You should be studied.
EMILY: I dont understand why youre getting so upset. I respect the decision that you made.
LORELAI: I made no decision.
EMILY: Whatever you say.
LORELAI: Ok, you know what? Im going to call her and uh, tell her right now. [looks for her cell]
EMILY: No youre not.
LORELAI: Yes in fact I am. [moving phone around her]
EMILY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: The reception sucks in here.
EMILY: Stop it, you look like youre having a fit.
LORELAI: Ok, well Im gonna go find a payphone. [gets up]
EMILY: [stopping her] Youre grandmother will be back any second. Just have a sandwich.
LORELAI: Have a sandwich? Thats what you have to say to me? Have a sandwich.
EMILY: Well what do you want me to say?
LORELAI: I want you to say that you are sorry you tried to talk me out of taking this money. That you realize that youre just being petty and controlling and mean and that you know theres no amount of money that can change the relationship Rory and I have. Thats what I want you to say - say that.
EMILY: I will not.
LORELAI: Well say it Mom, or Im finding a payphone.
TRIX: Lorelai - youre here.
LORELAI: Hi Gran.
TRIX: So have you ordered the tea yet?
EMILY: No not yet.
TRIX: Well good because Im afraid Im going to have to take my leave of you a little earlier than I had anticipated.
LORELAI: What, why?
TRIX: My train leaves tonight and I have a little last minute packing to do.
EMILY: Well I can help you with the packing.
TRIX: Plus I really dont wish to witness anymore of this ugly little fight you two seem to be having. Raising your voice during high tea, who ever heard of such a thing. Its like Fergi all over again.
LORELAI: Oh Gran please, Im so sorry. Were done. Please dont leave.
TRIX: I can see now that offering that trust fund was a bad idea. After all, taking into account the maturity level of those involved, this large amount of money would probably not be safe.
LORELAI: No Gran, that isnt true. Rory is an incredibly mature kid.
TRIX: Oh Im sure she is. Its you Im worried about.
LORELAI: But -
TRIX:. [to Emily] And Im sure she gets it from you.
EMILY: But -
TRIX: Tell Rory goodbye for me. You two are welcome to visit me in London anytime. Emily, please get my coat. I will meet you outside. [leaves]
LORELAI: Well you won.
EMILY: I did not win.
LORELAI: You didnt want me to take the money and Im not taking the money. Thats called winning.
EMILY: Im sorry.
LORELAI: No youre not.
EMILY: Well...yes I am.
LORELAI: Forget it Mom, its not big deal.
EMILY: No it is a big deal. Here Rory had this wonderful opportunity and we - and I...maybe I can talk to her.
LORELAI: Oh yes thatll work.
EMILY: Well Ill go to your father.
EMILY: He can talk to her. He can fix it. Ill make him fix it. [takes out cell and dials] Ugh damn reception. Well Ill go to a payphone.
LORELAI: Mom, Mom, stay here.
EMILY: Yes but Chilton.
LORELAI: Rory can still go to Chilton unless youre rethinking our agreement.
EMILY: No, not at all. Im not rethinking anything.
LORELAI: Ok then were good.
EMILY: Are you sure?
LORELAI: Were good.
EMILY: Well Id better get out there before she leaves me here.
LORELAI: Im sure youll be sorry to see her go.
EMILY: Oh yes, I dont know what Ill do with my self. Well see you Friday?
LORELAI: See you Friday. [Emily turns to leave] Hey Mom?
EMILY: Yes? [turning back]
LORELAI: Can I ask you a favor.
EMILY: Anything, anything at all.
LORELAI: Dont make us take the coat rack back.
CUT TO BUS STOP
[Lorelai waiting, coffee in hand, as Rory gets off the bus.]
LORELAI: Here [giving her a coffee]
RORY: Thanks. I thought you were gonna have tea today.
LORELAI: Uh, we did, we finished.
RORY: Finished early.
LORELAI: Yeah well once youre done with those little sandwiches, theres not reason to pretend you like tea anymore.
RORY: Oh I totally understand. Listen theres something I have to tell you.
RORY: I loaned Paris your black mini and theres a good chance you may never see it again.
LORELAI: Oh well theres something I have to tell you.
LORELAI: You lost out on $250,000 dollars today.
[Lorelai nods as they walk down the street.]