written by John Stephens
directed by Bethany Rooney
transcript by Vanessa
CUT TO MISS PATTYS STUDIO
MISS PATTY: People please pay attention. Now, I want my before Mary over here, and my after Mary over here. Wise men, shepherd line up for the processional. I only have half a donkey? I need the rest of the donkey!
[Kirk standing on stool while Lorelai hemming]
LORELAI: Hold still Kirk.
KIRK: You stuck me.
LORELAI: I did not stick you.
KIRK: You did to.
LORELAI: Ok, be quiet now. [looks at Rory]
RORY: Um, Taylor, the baby Jesus is missing an arm again.
RORY: I was just getting it out of the trunk and -
TAYLOR: Let me see that. Oh for Petes sake! [to everyone] Ok listen up! The arm is missing! I repeat the arm is missing!
RORY: Maybe its just time to get a new baby Jesus, you know, one thats a boy.
TAYLOR: Its a doll, no one can tell.
RORY: Well it has a bow.
TAYLOR: This has been the baby Jesus in every Christmas pageant since 1965. Were you here in 1965?
RORY: No I wasnt.
TAYLOR: Find the arm [Rory looks at Lorelai]
LORELAI: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Youre flinching.
KIRK: You stuck me once. Theres nothing to say you wont do it again.
LORELAI: Ok you know what? Youre done.
RORY: I swear, Ive looked twice.
TAYLOR: Look again.
MISS PATTY: Taylor come quickly. Our before Mary is about to become an after. Who else in town is knocked up?
[Lorelai and Rory look at each other awkwardly then look away. Pan to them leaving]
LORELAI: Find the arm?
LORELAI: [sourly]Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas. [pan to dog with doll arm in mouth]
CUT TO RORY STANDING IN A GAZEBO
[Lane runs up to her]
LANE: Hey, I thought we were meeting at Lukes.
RORY: We were? Oh my God, Im so sorry. I forgot.
LANE: Let me guess. You and Lorelai havent made up yet?
RORY: Nope. Things are still Miracle Worker at my house. God, how did everything get so screwed up?
LANE: I think you staying out all night with Dean had something to do with it.
RORY: And my grandmother being there to witness it didnt help.
LANE: Never does.
RORY: It sucks. Things were good. School was good, Dean was good. Now my mother and I are barely speaking. Mom and Grandma are barely speaking. Deans new name is Narcolepsy boy.
LANE: Hows he taking it?
RORY: I dont know. I havent talked to him since it happened.
LANE: That was four days ago.
RORY: I know.
LANE: Has he called?
RORY: I told him not to.
LANE: And he listened?
LANE: Good boy.
RORY: Ok, I really need to talk about something else now.
LANE: You went shopping.
RORY: Yes I did. I got a mow-ing cow shaped timer for Sookie, some cardio-salsa tapes for Michel, a book for Dean -
LANE: You got Dean a book?
RORY: Yeah. Metamorphosis.
RORY: Its Kafta.
LANE: Very romantic.
RORY: I think it is romantic.
LANE: I know Ive always dreamed that some day a guy would get me a really confusing Czechoslovakian novel.
RORY: I think hell appreciate it.
LANE: A book sends the wrong message.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LANE: You have to look at what a gift says to the other person, not to you. Remember two years ago, I got my mom that perfume?
LANE: Ok, to me that said, Hey mom, you work hard, you deserve something fancy. Now to my mother, it said Hey mom, heres some smelly sex juice, the kind I use to lure boys with and resulted in me being sent to Bible camp all summer.
RORY: Yeah but -
LANE: Just imaging that you actually gave Dean something really romantic, and he gave you a football. Your hypothetical romantic present is saying that you really, really like him. And his present is saying Hey man, lets just be friends.
RORY: And youre saying that this book is -
LORELAI: Is a Czechoslovakian football, yes.
RORY: So then what do I get him?
LANE: What you should do is find out what hes getting you and gauge your gift accordingly.
RORY: But doesnt that kinda take the fun out of it?
LANE: Gift giving is serious business. If you dont believe me try spending a month at Korean Bible camp.
CUT TO INN
MICHEL: Yes right there. Now flip the elf and the fairy.
GUY: Which one is the fairy?
MICHEL: The one with the wand [Guy goes for one] What are you doing?
GUY: Isnt this a wand?
MICHEL: No, that is a staff.
GUY: So this isnt a fairy?
MICHEL: That is Little Bo Peep.
GUY: And you dont want to move her.
MICHEL: I would prefer that you didnt.
GUY: Ok, so were still looking for a fairy.
MICHEL: The search continues.
GUY: No chance youre going to help me.
MICHEL: None whatsoever.
LORELAI: Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
LORELAI: Mom, hello.
EMILY: I wanted to talk to you about the Christmas dinner this Friday.
LORELAI: Ah, Christmas dinner.
EMILY: You forgot.
LORELAI: Well mom, theres been a lot going on around here lately, your Christmas shindigs not exactly high on my list of things to obsess about.
EMILY: Well Im sorry if the timing is bad Lorelai, but the world doesnt always revolve around you.
LORELAI: Well thanks for the tip.
EMILY: Cocktails are at 6, dinners at 8.
LORELAI: I probably wont be there for cocktails.
EMILY: Why not?
LORELAI: Because I have to work.
EMILY: You cant leave work early?
LORELAI: No I cant.
EMILY: Why not?
LORELAI: Because its not in my job description.
EMILY: Well then dont come.
EMILY: Dont come. Its obviously an enormous burden for you.
LORELAI: Yeah but -
EMILY: Just send Rory.
LORELAI: Youre telling me not to come to the Christmas party?
EMILY: Well youre obviously too busy.
LORELAI: I had the German measles in the 5th grade, I still had to show up to the Christmas party.
EMILY: Lorelai lets be honest here, Im not too happy with you right now and I assume youre not too happy with me.
LORELAI: My polka dot dress matched my face and still I had to sit through 12 courses.
EMILY: I am tired of forcing you to do all those terrible things that infringe upon your life and I do not have the energy to pretend that the way you treated my the other day was in any way acceptable.
LORELAI: So youre uninviting me to Christmas dinner?
EMILY: Yes I am.
LORELAI: Ok, anything else?
EMILY: I believe thats all.
LORELAI: Ok well, great mom, its been swell talking to you.
EMILY: Bye Lorelai.
[Pan to Michel and guy]
GUY: This one?
GUY: This one?
GUY: This -
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
RORY: I wish youd change your mind.
LORELAI: Its not my mind that needs to be changed.
RORY: I dont think she meant it.
LORELAI: Oh she meant it.
RORY: Well maybe she thinks she meant it at the time, but I bet she wont mean it later when I show up there without you.
LORELAI: And without a map to follow that reasoning I say, Take a hot its cold outside.
RORY: You just wanna hold a grudge.
LORELAI: Yes, it burns more calories.
RORY: Thats not true.
LORELAI: Yes it is, how do you think your grandma got those legs of hers? Shes not exactly a Stairmaster gal.
LORELAI: Never saw her on the running track.
LORELAI: I dont remember the country club organizing a Tae-bo class.
RORY: Fine, forget it. Should I put your name on Grandmas present?
LORELAI: Yes, sign it the inn keeper formally known as her daughter.
RORY: You know what I think?
RORY: I think youre acting a little immature.
LORELAI: Im not acting.
RORY: Well what about the apple tarts? You wait all year for those apple tarts.
LORELAI: I can live without the apple tarts.
RORY: Youve made up songs after eating five of them with lyrics that contradict that last statement.
LORELAI: Oh you know what? You have to go, youre late.
RORY: You really wont come?
LORELAI: What, Im sorry, is somebody speaking? Couldnt be Rory, shes already half way to Hartford.
RORY: Fine, Im going.
LORELAI: Drive carefully. Watch out for ice. And bring me back one of those [door closes]..tarts!
CUT TO GRANDMAS HOUSE
RORY: Hi Grandma.
EMILY: Rory, come in. You look lovely.
RORY: This is from me and mom.
EMILY: Well arent you thoughtful? Ill just put it under the tree.
RORY: You know mom actually picked it out.
EMILY: Rory, do you know Holland Prescott?
RORY: I met her last year.
EMILY: Holland, look whos here.
HOLLAND: Hello Rory.
RICHARD: Thats not my proposal.
ALAN: Yes, I know. Henry toned it down a little.
RICHARD: Henry did! Henry is a toddler!
ALAN: He thought your take was a little conservative.
RICHARD: And a moron!
ALAN: Richard, be very careful. This man may be our boss one day.
RICHARD: Oh that will never happen.
RICHARD: Why have you heard something?
EMILY: Richard, Alan, look whos here.
RICHARD: Hello Rory.
ALAN: Wheres your mother?
RORY: Oh, well, she...
ALAN: Over by the apple tarts I assume.
EMILY: Lorelai couldnt come tonight.
RICHARD: She couldnt?
EMILY: No, she had to work. [Rory looks at her]
RICHARD: Ah. Speaking of which, Im going to give that man a call.
ALAN: Richard, youre getting yourself all worked up.
RICHARD: As long as Ive been with this company, it has been run by gentleman. Revising a mans work without so much as a phone call wouldve been unheard of!
ALAN: Its a new world out there Richard.
EMILY: Please stop all this shop talk. We are here to celebrate.
RICHARD: Im going to call him.
ALAN: Richard, its past midnight in London.
RICHARD: Oh, even better.
RORY: Grandma, could I talk to you alone please.
EMILY: You need something to drink.
RORY: I want to apologize about the other night.
EMILY: Rory please, this is a party.
RORY: I messed up, its my fault.
EMILY: This is not the time or place to discuss this, your mother should have taught you that.
RORY: Please dont be mad at her.
EMILY: Im not mad at anyone. Now go back in and join the party.
RORY: But -
EMILY: And take this to Gigi on your way back.
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
LORELAI: Yes Joe, I know its Friday night, but I ordered my pizza an hour ago...Oh no I did not hear about the delivery van...Well I am very, very sorry to hear that. Now was it a fairly new van? Great, ok, well Joe, as with most tragedies in life there come a time when you just need to pick up and move one. So whats the next phase of the delivery saga? Mm-hmm...Well how long until your brothers back with the razor scooter? Ok, uh-huh, alright, just call me when it gets there. Bye Joe.
[Goes into the kitchen, grams a salad bag, pours dressing into it, shakes it and sits down to read a magazine and eat. Hears a knocking at Rorys window. Goes into Rorys room and sees Dean at the window. Opens window]
LORELAI: Well, hi there.
LORELAI: How you doing?
LORELAI: Good, good. Shouldnt you have a squeegee with you or something?
DEAN: I was just -
LORELAI: Looking for Rory?
LORELAI: Shes not here.
LORELAI: [sighs] Ill tell her you tapped.
LORELAI: Mm-hmm [goes to close window but Dean hasnt moved] Something else?
DEAN: I just wanted to say that things got all messed up.
LORELAI: Yes they did.
DEAN: And Im sorry.
DEAN: But nothing happened.
LORELAI: Ok, I have to go.
DEAN: We sat down and we were reading this book and then we fell asleep.
LORELAI: Pick a more interesting book next time.
DEAN: So am I like public enemy #1 with you?
LORELAI: #1? I dont know, would you settle for top five? Because Im still a little hot for that crazy bomber guy whos been living in a cave for a year.
DEAN: Please just tell me where I stand.
LORELAI: I dont know where you stand ok? All I know is my 16 year old daughter didnt come home one night and you had something to do with that.
DEAN: I told you - nothing happened
LORELAI: [overlaps Dean] Happened, I heard.
DEAN: Look you can hate me but you have to believe me, I would not let anything happen to her.
LORELAI: You happened to her.
DEAN: I wont hurt her.
LORELAI: You know, I was 16 when I had Rory.
DEAN: I know.
LORELAI: That is the same age she is now.
DEAN: I know.
LORELAI: She wants to go to Harvard.
DEAN: She will go to Harvard and if she doesnt it wont be because of me. [sighs and stands to leave]
LORELAI: I dont hate you.
LORELAI: No. Though I did imagine 20 different ways to remove your head from your body.
DEAN: Yeah? Well which one looked the best?
LORELAI: Hedge clippers.
LORELAI: Dull ones.
DEAN: Well, I mean sure you wouldnt want it to go quick.
DEAN: Ok, uh, Im gonna go.
LORELAI: You know we have a really nice front door. You might want to use it some times.
DEAN: Got it.
LORELAI: See ya.
CUT TO STREET OUTSIDE LUKES
[Lorelai walking to Lukes while people ring bells to the tune of The First Noel]
DIRECTOR: Henry, you ring on 3.
HENRY: I thought I was 2.
DIRECTOR: No, Chuck rings on 2, you ring on 3.
CHUCK: Im on 1.
DIRECTOR: Are you sure?
CHUCK: Nope. Sorry. Youre right. Im 2.
DIRECTOR: From the top. [they start again] Henry!
CUT TO INSIDE LUKES
LUKE: Rory coming?
LUKE: She on a date?
LUKE: Good so youve forbid her to see the bag boy.
LORELAI: Id really rather not talk about it right now.
LUKE: Just tell me you forbid her to see the bag boy.
LORELAI: I did not forbid her to see the bag boy.
LUKE: Are you crazy?
LORELAI: Well, he looks like hes moving up to produce, so hes suddenly become quite a catch.
LUKE: That kid is trouble.
LORELAI: Can I order please.
LUKE: First time I looked at him, I thought he was trouble.
LORELAI: Excuse me, Im the one who told you I thought he was trouble and you told me you thought I was crazy.
LUKE: You are crazy and he is trouble.
LORELAI: He is not trouble! Hes 62...hes beautiful and hes completely in love with my daughter.
LORELAI: Big time.
LUKE: Ill get your burger.
LORELAI: Wait. Can I see a menu?
LUKE: You need to see a menu?
LUKE: You come here everyday.
LORELAI: I know, but I usually order the same thing, and tonight Im in the mood for something a little different.
LORELAI: Piece of paper, list of food offered.
LUKE: Ok, here. [gives her a menu] Its not in Japanese.
LORELAI: Dont you have any kind of holiday special? Something festive?
LUKE: I just got some Grey Poupon. Thats French.
LORELAI: Tonights my parents big Christmas celebration. Theres good food, these amazing apple tarts, big tree. Its the only holiday I actually enjoy going over there for and this year, Im uninvited.
LUKE: Why the hell would anyone celebrate Christmas two weeks early?
LORELAI: Did you even hear the part about me being uninvited?
LUKE: To your parents' fake Christmas party?
LUKE: I did hear that.
LORELAI: Do you care?
LUKE: Obviously you do.
LORELAI: Yes, I do and I dont know why.
LUKE: You liked going...
LORELAI: I did.
LUKE: Rorys there without you...
LORELAI: She is.
LUKE: You and Rory arent getting along right now and you feel bad at being separated during a time you usually share together.
LUKE: Did I mention you come here every damn day?
LORELAI: Ill have a burger.
LUKE: Coming right up.
CUT TO GRANDMAS HOUSE
GIGI: Emily, youve out done yourself yet again.
ALAN: Yes, I cant imagine the hours you spent slaving over a hot stove.
EMILY: Youre teasing me, Alan.
ALAN: Its delicious Emily.
EMILY: A compliment for my chef is a compliment for me, thank you Alan.
RICHARD: I for one would like to know where Henry is at this hour. Probably gallivanting around London like a bull out to stud.
EMILY: Richard please.
RICHARD: Well how is he supposed to negotiate the contract tomorrow morning if hes been out at all hours with some cheap tramp.
ALAN: Knowing Henry, she wasnt cheap.
EMILY: This is wildly inappropriate dinner conversation especially in front of a young lady.
RICHARD: Is it unbearably hot in here?
EMILY: Richard dont loosen your tie at the table.
HOLLAND: So what are your plans for the Christmas holidays Rory?
RORY: Ill probably just be hanging out with my mom.
GIGI: Oh its such a shame she couldnt come, shes always such a kick.
EMILY: Lorelai wasnt feeling well so I suggested she stay home.
RICHARD: It is hot in here, Im going to lower the thermostat [leaves].
HOLLAND: Poor thing, whats wrong with her?
EMILY: She has a touch of the flu. Richard forget the thermostat! [Rory looks at her again]
GIGI: I thought you said she was working?
EMILY: Well she was supposed to work but then she caught the flu so one way or another she couldnt have made it.
GIGI: Tell her we missed her.
RORY: I will.
EMILY: Richard! For heaven sake [getting up to find him]. Richard!
CUT TO LUKES
[Slides a Santa face hamburger in front of Lorelai]
LORELAI: What did you do?
LUKE: You wanted something festive.
LORELAI: You made me a Santa burger.
LUKE: Its not big deal.
LORELAI: He has a hat and everything.
LUKE: Yeah, I just cut a piece of wonder bread, you know, poured a little ketchup, piped on a little cream cheese.
LORELAI: No one has ever made me something quite this disgusting before. I thank you.
LUKE: Youre welcome.
[Cell phone rings. Luke point at the no cell phone sign]
LORELAI: Are you kidding? Its like the North Pole out there.
LUKE: Hey, this sign isnt just a decoration.
LORELAI: Honey, nothing in here is a decoration.
LUKE: Its disturbs the other customers.
LORELAI: Oh really? Maybe we should take a vote. [to customers] Who thinks we shouldnt use cell phones in here? [all raise their hands] Well screw democracy. [goes to answer but stops ringing] Perfect, Now I have to check my voice mail.
[Taylor and carolers enter]
ALL: ...the new born king.
LUKE: Whoa, whats going on?
TAYLOR: Well we were caroling around town and we got a bit chilly and we thought maybe we could trade you a song for some hot chocolate.
LUKE: You want free hot chocolate?
TAYLOR: No no, well sing for it, any tune you like.
LUKE: And then I give you free hot chocolate.
LUKE: Tell you want, you can have your hot chocolate, and pay for it, then go next door and sing for the marshmallows.
LORELAI: Oh my God!
TAYLOR: These are your neighbors Luke!
LUKE: Shut up Taylor. Whats going on? [to Lorelai]
LORELAI: My fathers in the hospital.
LORELAI: Yeah, he collapsed or something. I dont know. I need a cab. I need to call a cab. Wheres the phone? I need - can anyone give me - Im holding a phone.
LUKE: Whoa, calm down.
LORELAI: No I cant calm down. I need a cab. Whats the numbers? God, its something-cabs, cabs-something-something, 1-800-cabs? Can somebody tell me the damn number of the cab guy?!
LUKE: Ill drive you.
LORELAI: But theres food and theres people and theres a burger with a face.
LUKE: Ok, everybody out! Were closed, lets go. Foods on me. [to Lorelai] Put on your coat and get your stuff. [to Taylor] Taylor, have your hot chocolate then lock up. [to Lorelai] Come on, my trucks out back.
LORELAI: Luke, Im -
LUKE: I know, lets go.
CUT TO INSIDE TRUCK
LORELAI: Were being passed by senior citizens.
LUKE: Im going as fast as I can.
LORELAI: Bye Grandma, bye.
LUKE: Theres ice on the road, those people arent being safe.
LORELAI: Well maybe theyre not being safe but at least theyre getting somewhere.
LUKE: You checked it five times already, Ive listened to it twice, its not changing.
LORELAI: Grandpas in the hospital, please come. No details, no info. Who taught her to leave a message like that?
LUKE: Im sure she was in a hurry.
LORELAI: A person needs details. Why is he in the hospital? How bad is it? What are the circumstances involving him being in the hospital? These are simple questions.
LUKE: Well be there very soon and youll know everything.
LORELAI: What if hes dead?
LUKE: Hes not dead.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: Oh, youre psychic now? Youre suddenly getting visions while youre driving 20 mph in the oldest truck known to man? [pause] Im sorry, youre killing yourself to get me there and Im yelling at you. I dont mean it.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: I feel like this is one of those moments when I should be remembering all the great times I had with my dad, you know. The time he took me shopping for a Barbie or to the circus or fishing and my mind is a complete blank.
LUKE: Well Im sure it happened.
LORELAI: No it didnt. We never did any of that. He went to work, he came home, he read the paper, he went to bed, I snuck out the window. Simple. He was a very by the numbers guy. I was never very good with numbers.
LUKE: Im sure he loves you.
LORELAI: You know my dad is not a bad guy.
LUKE: Im sure hes not.
LORELAI: He lived his life the way he thought he was supposed to. He followed the rules taught to him by his non-fishing-non-Barbie-buying dad. He worked hard. He bought a nice house. He provided for my mom. All he asked in return was for his daughter to wear white dresses and go to cotillion and want the same life that he had. What a disappointment it must have been for him to get me.
LUKE: I cant imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment.
LORELAI: I bet youd buy a Barbie for your daughter.
LUKE: Yeah, well, Id probably give her the cash to buy it herself and meet her by the baseball cards.
LORELAI: Hmm. Youll make a great dad.
LUKE: You make a great mom.
LORELAI: Yeah. Its just the uh, daughter part I dont have down yet.
LUKE: Ok, hold on. That Camaro is dust.
CUT TO HOSPITAL
EMILY: But why cant I see him.?
NURSE: Theyre running some test.
EMILY: Well I would like to meet this doctor whos testing him.
NURSE: You will.
EMILY: Some strange man is working on my husband, I have a right to meet this person.
NURSE: You will.
EMILY: And I want to see the room youre going to put him in.
NURSE: You will.
EMILY: And stop saying You will. Put a proper sentence together for Gods sake.
NURSE: Maam, please wait here.
RORY: Did you find out anything?
EMILY: Please! They run this place like the CIA [Joshua comes up] Joshua, thank God! This place is infuriating.
JOSHUA: Its alright, Im here, Im going to check on him right now. Have you filled out the forms yet?
EMILY: I dont care about the forms, I want to see my husband.
JOSHUA: [to Rory] Is she being obstinate?
JOSHUA: Let me see whats going on and then well take it from there.
EMILY: And there he goes through the doors.
RORY: Maybe I should call mom again.
EMILY: Never mind, Im sure shes very busy.
RORY: Thats not true, I bet shed -
EMILY: Rory, go get your Grandfather a paper -
RORY: But -
EMILY: The Wall Street Journal or Barrons. Whatever they have, hell want something to read when he gets back to his room.
RORY: Ok, can I get you something? Maybe a coffee?
EMILY: No dear, Im fine.
[Grandma goes around the corner and calls Lorelais house but gets the answering machine and hangs up. Goes back to the waiting area]
NURSE: Ms. Gilmore, uh, I need you to -
EMILY: Its not Ms. Gilmore, its Mrs. Gilmore! Mrs. Gilmore, Im not a cosmo woman!
NURSE: I know this is difficult for you, but if you dont fill out these forms -
EMILY: What? Youll do what? Id like to hear in your most condescending tone what my punishment will be for not filling out these forms in a timely manner. Are there bamboo shoots involved? Some sort of dark deep hole in the ground? Rats nibbling at my toes?
[Pan to Lorelai and Luke in the hospital]
LUKE: Ok, were supposed to follow the blue line, around the corner and then we should be -
LORELAI: Wheres the scarecrow when you need him?
LUKE: Ok, we have to ask someone else.
LORELAI: No! No! We just have to pick one.
LUKE: Ah, well cant just wander around here aimlessly.
LORELAI: Luke, listen to me, somewhere in this hospital are my mother and my father. Now I know I dont get along with them but there has to be some sort of intuition, some sort of blood bond that will somehow lead me to them.
LUKE: Thats crazy.
EMILY: My great uncle founded this hospital -
LORELAI: And thats Emily.
EMILY: You insensitive paper peddler! His portrait is hanging in the lobby, go look. Its right above the sign that says Founder!!!
LORELAI: Whats going on? How is he?
EMILY: You came!
LORELAI: Well of course I came. Hows dad?
EMILY: Thats what Ive been trying to find out but this woman keeps pestering me with idiotic questions like Whats the number of my insurance policy and how long have we had it.
NURSE: I need to get this information.
EMILY: You need to get sensitivity training!
LORELAI: Well, what if I fill out this information and you can go find someone who can tell us how my dad is.
NURSE: Im not supposed to -
LORELAI: Or, I could go and you can stay here and continue to discuss this with my mother
[Nurse looks at Emily]
NURSE: Ill go.
LORELAI: Thank you.
EMILY: You got rid of her.
LORELAI: Yes, so tell me what happened.
EMILY: Thats amazing.
LORELAI: Mom, please.
EMILY: I dont know what happened. He was hot and he went to turn down the thermostat and then - [see Luke] were you on a date?
EMILY: You have an escort?
LORELAI: No, its Luke, Mom.
LUKE: Which is her way of saying we werent on a date.
LORELAI: Im sorry, I didnt mean it like that.
EMILY: Well how am I supposed to know you werent on a date. Its Friday night and you show up here with a man.
LORELAI: With Luke, Mom.
EMILY: Its not insane to assume a date was involved.
LORELAI: Youre right, ok, its entirely possible that I was out on a date.
LUKE: Just not with me.
LORELAI: I was eating at Lukes when I got the message. He gave me a ride, end of story. Is Dr. Reynolds here?
EMILY: Yes, Joshua got her a while ago. He was supposed to come back the minute he knew something but he hasnt been back yet.
LORELAI: Well lets go find him.
EMILY: You cant find him! You cant find anyone! Everyone just keeps disappearing behind those doors!
LORELAI: Well come on, lets go [goes through doors]
EMILY: I didnt know you could do that. [follows Lorelai]
LUKE: Ill wait here.
[Rory come up]
LUKE: I gave your mom a ride. We werent on a date.
RORY: Oh, ok.
LUKE: She and your grandmother just went back to see if they can find a doctor.
RORY: Did they find out anything else about Grandpa?
LUKE: I dont think so, but give your mom a couple of minutes back there, I bet she finds something out.
RORY: Thanks for bringing her.
LUKE: Youre welcome. Hey, you ok?
RORY: I dont want him to die.
LUKE: Well you tell him that when you see him ok? People like to hear that.
[Lorelai comes through doors]
LORELAI: Hey, you! Hi.
RORY: It was horrible! It happened so fast.
LORELAI: Theyre about to bring him out of the big test room any minute so just hang in there.
RORY: Wheres Grandma?
LORELAI: Kicking some patient out of the room with the good view.
LORELAI: I hope they get him unhooked fast, otherwise hes going without the life support machine.
RORY: So how long before they bring him back?
LORELAI: Very soon.
RORY: Id like to do something?
LORELAI: Like rollerblade?
RORY: Like get some coffee or make phone calls or do something that isnt standing here waiting.
LORELAI: Ok, go it. Well as partial as I am to the phone, Im voting for the get coffee idea.
RORY: Ok, good. Luke tea?
LUKE: Ah, peppermint preferably.
RORY: Ill be right back.
LORELAI: Hey, hes gonna be fine.
RORY: I was just getting to know him.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: I dont want him to -
LORELAI: Hes not. Go get your coffee. [Rory leaves] Oh man! [sits with Luke]
LUKE: Youre very brave for her.
LORELAI: Yeah, well its my turn. God this sucks.
LUKE: Hey come on, you gotta think positive here - bright side, good thoughts. Rainbows, unicorns, clowns, little cute...furry - ok Im out.
LORELAI: Thank God.
[Grandma comes through doors]
EMILY: Alright, weve secured him the room but the pillows are completely unacceptable. Im gonna see if I can find him some down ones and some slippers. Ill be right back.
LORELAI: Well be right here [gurney passes. Luke breathes deeply, head back] Jeez are you ok?
LUKE: Yeah, Im just not big on hospitals you know the smell, people being wheeled by with tubes sticking out of them, you know, drainage, fluids, gaping holes -
LORELAI: Ok, listen, why dont you go home.
LUKE: You want me to go?
LORELAI: You dont look so good.
LORELAI: Thats not what I meant. You know you always look good.
LORELAI: I mean you always look healthy.
LORELAI: But you dont look so healthy now. Now you look...
LORELAI: Oh what? So I said you look good. Were not in 5th grade. You look good, big deal. Stop staring at me.
[patient passes by]
LUKE: Ah, jeez.
LORELAI: See thats what you get for being cocky.
[Grandpa wheeled out]
LORELAI: Uh, how is he?
ORDERLY: Hes a little groggy right now.
LORELAI: Whats going on? How are the tests?
ORDERLY: The doctor will have to tell you that, Im just the transport guy.
LORELAI: When is the doctor coming out?
ORDERLY: Im not sure but you can go in with your dad until he gets here.
LUKE: Go ahead, Im good.
LORELAI: Thats ok, uh, Im gonna go find my mom and Rory and tell them hes back up.
LUKE: I can tell them when they get here.
LORELAI: Thats ok, uh, I think theyd like to know now [turns around and almost knocks over her mom] Ah!
EMILY: Lorelai, you almost ran me over.
LORELAI: Well, good thing were in a hospital.
EMILY: Where were you going?
LORELAI: To find you, they just brought dad up.
LORELAI: Just now.
EMILY: Well how is he? Did you talk to him?
LORELAI: No not yet, I was coming to find you.
EMILY: Well come on.
LORELAI: You go ahead mom, Im gonna go find Rory.
EMILY: Fine. [goes into room]
LUKE: You know I could look for Rory.
LORELAI: No thats ok, Ill do it.
LUKE: I thought so. Hey look, its Rory. [Rory comes up to them]
RORY: The coffee machine was jammed so I got us some chicken soup and some Pez.
LORELAI: I was just coming to look for you.
RORY: Why, is everything ok?
LORELAI: They just brought Grandpa back up. Hes in room 202.
RORY: Well come on.
LORELAI: You go ahead, I just - I have to make a call.
RORY: Well hurry up.
LORELAI: Ill meet you there.
LUKE: So who are you gonna go find now?
LUKE: How about Jimmy Hoffa? Thatll keep you busy for a while.
LORELAI: I said stop.
LUKE: You cant avoid going into that room forever.
LORELAI: Im not avoiding anything. Im going to find coffee.
LUKE: The machines jammed.
LORELAI: Well there are other machines.
LUKE: Admit youre afraid.
LORELAI: You have no idea what youre talking about.
LUKE: The truth hurts.
LORELAI: No you know what hurts? Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head [pointing behind Luke]
LUKE: What? [turns around] Oh my God!
CUT TO INSIDE HOSPITAL ROOM
RORY: Year end optimism in recent earnings reports, have pushed shares of the telecommunications giant about $65.
RICHARD: [weakly] Oh, rubbish.
RORY: However, some experts say that the stock is dangerously overvalued.
RICHARD: Ahh. Hmm.
EMILY: [Comes into room] Well how are we doing?
RORY: Were done the front page of the Financial Times and all of The Wall Street Journal.
EMILY: Very good progress. Rory dear, why dont you save the rest of the paper till later hmm?
RORY: Ok. [to Grandpa] If I hug you, is it gonna hurt?
RICHARD: Pain is part of life. [she hugs him]
EMILY: This little girl likes you.
RICHARD: Well, she has good taste.
[Pan to Rory coming out of room and finds Luke sitting in the chairs beside the room]
RORY: Wheres mom?
LUKE: Looking for coffee.
RORY: What are you doing?
LUKE: Staring at my shoes.
RORY: Ok, carry on.
[Pan back inside room]
EMILY: Well I finally found you some decent pillows, theyre not down but at least they give a little.
RICHARD: Emily, we need to talk.
EMILY: Can you life your head at all?
RICHARD: This is serious.
EMILY: Just a little.
RICHARD: There is a key in my top desk drawer.
EMILY: Better yes?
RICHARD: It is to the safe.
EMILY: One more time.
RICHARD: All of our stock information is in there, plus all of the insurance information.
EMILY: Now if I could just find you some different sheets.
RICHARD: Our will is in my lower left drawer, Denis has a copy in case theres a problem.
EMILY: Maybe I could get Dava to bring some from home -
RICHARD: Emily, this is serious. We have to be practical.
EMILY: Im gonna have Dava get those -
RICHARD: Emily listen to me, if I die -
EMILY: Richard Gilmore, there may be many things happening in this hospital tonight but your dying is not one of them.
RICHARD: But -
EMILY: No! I did not sign on to your dying. And it is not going to happen. Not tonight, not for a very long time. In fact, I demand to go first. Do I make myself clear?
RICHARD: Yes Emily. You may go first.
EMILY: Good. Im gonna get you those sheets. [picks up the phone as Richard takes her hand and holds it.]
[Pan to Lorelai and Rory by the coffee machine.]
RORY: No luck?
LORELAI: I think Im wearing it down.
RORY: Youre pathetic.
LORELAI: Is the doctor back?
RORY: Not yet.
LORELAI: So, you have a visitor tonight.
RORY: Yeah? Who?
LORELAI: Narcolepsy boy.
RORY: Dean came over?
LORELAI: Oh yeah. He pulled the old tapping on the window bit.
RORY: Were you mean?
LORELAI: Excuse me, I am never mean.
RORY: You were mean.
LORELAI: He told me nothing happened.
RORY: Nothing did.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: You do? Really?
LORELAI: Rory, there are only two things that I totally trust in this entire world. The fact that I will never be able to understand what Charo is saying no matter how long she lives in this country - and you.
RORY: Hopefully not in that order.
LORELAI: You just have to understand the major panic factor that went on there.
RORY: I do, I really do and Im so sorry. Nothing like that will ever happen again. I swear.
LORELAI: Dont swear.
RORY: Why not?
LORELAI: Because you are your mothers daughter.
RORY: What does that mean.
LORELAI: It means things can happen, even when you dont really mean for them to happen.
RORY: They will not happen.
LORELAI: Hmm. Ok
RORY: I hated going to that party tonight without you.
LORELAI: I hated you going to that party tonight without me. How were the apple tarts?
RORY: Oh, Grandma didnt make them this year.
LORELAI: Thats weird.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: Hmm, are you lying?
RORY: Through my teeth.
LORELAI: Good girl.
[pan to outside Grandpas room]
EMILY: Oh, hello [sees Luke sitting there.]
EMILY: If you dont mind, I think I need to just -
LUKE: Oh sure. Sit, please. How is he?
EMILY: Oh you know hes - I dont know. [playing with Grandpas tie]
LUKE: Its a nice tie.
EMILY: Its Brooks Brothers.
EMILY: It was bothering him tonight. I told him not to loosen it. I wanted him to look nice for our guests, so he didnt. And then well...The paramedics took it off him on the way here. I just havent been able to put it down yet [sniffles] I must sound crazy.
LUKE: Ive kept my fathers entire store just the way he left it.
LUKE: Well I turned it into a diner, but I kept all his stuff on the walls, his pictures in the office, even the Hardware sign.
EMILY: Im sure he wouldve appreciated having his lifes worked being honored like that.
LUKE: He wouldve called me a damn fool.
EMILY: Oh, well. I dont know what Lorelais told you about her father, I can certainly imagine, but hes a very good man. He always did the right thing for his family.
LUKE: Thats what she told me.
EMILY: So what exactly is going on between the two of you?
LUKE: Nothing. Really. Were friends, thats it.
EMILY: Youre idiots, the both of you.
[Lorelai and Rory come back]
EMILY: There you are, where have you been?
LORELAI: Coffee hunt. So whats going on?
LUKE: Your mother called me an idiot.
LORELAI: Wow, you must have sucked up good.
EMILY: Well Im going to go wash my face [leaves taking Rory with her.]
[Lorelai stands in front of the door to Grandpas room.]
LUKE: So whatcha gonna do?
LORELAI: [sighs] Ok, well, Im just gonna...
LUKE: Ill be here.
[Lorelai looks at Grandpa who opens his eyes. They look at each other for a couple of seconds and are about to say something when the doctor, Rory and Grandma walk into the room.]
EMILY: ...Ive heard for such a long time. Richard, how are you darling?
JOSHUA: Well Richard, it looks like were gonna be stuck with you for a while longer. It was just a touch of angina.
EMILY: But you have to watch your diet.
JOSHUA: Yes, thats going to be very important. No more red meat, heavy desserts and youre going to have to exercise regularly.
EMILY: Golf doesnt count.
RORY: So can he go home?
JOSHUA: Wed like to keep him over night though, just to be sure.
RORY: But hes fine.
JOSHUA: As long as he does what hes told, yes. [Lorelai sneaks out]
[Luke comes around the corner]
LUKE: I heard, everythings ok.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. Theyre going to keep him over night but - but hes going to be fine. [cries]
LUKE: Hey. [Luke hugs her] Ok, see heres where the guy is supposed to give the girl his handkerchief but I dont have one...and plus I find the practice a little revolting so...
LORELAI: No, Im ok.
LUKE: You sure?
LUKE: Alright. Oh hey, I got this for you.
LORELAI: Ah, whered you get that?
LUKE: Nurses lounge.
LUKE: What? Youre not the only one who can flirt [Lorelai laughs] The door was open.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LUKE: Anything else I can do?
LORELAI: Could you take Rory home?
LUKE: Yeah sure. What about you?
LORELAI: Im gonna stick around here for a while and make sure everythings are settled you know. You take her and Ill drive the jeep back.
LUKE: Ok. [Rory comes out]
RORY: Hes gonna be fine.
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. I think it was those financial papers that really did the trick. [they giggle] So, um, Lukes gonna take you home ok, Im gonna hang out here for a while.
RORY: Ill stay too.
LUKE: No, go, call Dean. Talk mushy to each other and then spend an hour arguing over whos going to hang up first.
RORY: You are gross.
LORELAI: Ill call you later.
RORY: Ok, well tell him good bye for me. And tell Grandpa Ill come back tomorrow.
LORELAI: Ok, I will, bye.
LUKE: Ok, walk fast and look straight ahead.
[Grandma and Joshua come out, Joshua leaves]
EMILY: Hes almost asleep.
EMILY: Wheres Rory?
LORELAI: I sent her home with Luke.
EMILY: What about you?
LORELAI: I thought Id stick around in case anybody needed anything.
LORELAI: I mean not you. You obviously dont need anything, but somebody somewhere in this hospital might at some point need something and Im gonna be the person who gets it for them.
EMILY: Would you like to go down to the cafeteria for something to eat?
LORELAI: Yes. Maybe somebody in the cafeteria will need something.
EMILY: Oh dear.
LORELAI: And wont they feel lucky when they see me. Hey I needed something and there you were, its going to be a great moment.
CUT TO LUKES
LUKE: Hey, hows your dad?
LORELAI: Better, though he says that life is not life unless it includes a steak. How come youre not out with everybody?
LUKE: I had some things to do.
LORELAI: Right, anyways, this is for you. [giving him a bag]
LUKE: Whats it for?
LORELAI: Just thank you, Christmas, whatever.
LUKE: Christmas isnt for two weeks.
LORELAI: Do we really have to do this again? [he opens the present. Its a baseball hat] I just thought, you know, God forbid something happens to that one, you might need a spare. Here [put it on forwards] Does that look wrong. [puts in on backwards] There! Oh hey turn out the lights [going to the window]
LUKE: For what? Its not the real procession, its just the rehearsal.
LORELAI: So, its pretty.
LUKE: And why do they need to rehearse it? Its the same thing every year.
LORELAI: Come on Luke, please. [he turns out the lights and joins her by the window] Its hard to imagine living somewhere else isnt it?
LUKE: Thanks for the hat.
LORELAI: Youre welcome. Looks good on you.
LUKE: Good how?
LORELAI: Just watch the procession.